Ep. 76 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

would it be crazy to you if while you're in rehab i met jennifer aniston it's not crazy it's a betrayal [Laughter] i'm just putting this out right now yeah if you bring one of your sidekicks from the next [ __ ] month to meet jennifer anderson i will lose my [ __ ] 100 this podcast is brought to you by mudwater i love my work sometimes i'm looking for a coffee but i don't want coffee if you know what i mean a mud water is a coffee alternative with four adaptogenic mushrooms and ayuvertic herbs with the seventh of the caffeine as a regular cup of coffee you get the energy without the anxiety the jitters or the crash of coffee that we all get midday i love it before a workout each ingredient has added for a purpose they got cacao and chai for mood and micro dosing of caffeine lion's mane which we all love for an alertness uh cordyceps to help support physical performance chaga and riasha to support your immune system i don't know if if i can't say it you know it does great stuff for your 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you enjoy them get yourself a bear oh by the way they have women's pairs now so they have women's pairs leanne's size flip-flops so get yourself get your wife a pair freewaters.com don't worry he's not white i can't wait to start booking the show with other people that's all i'm saying you're not available i have a lot of big guests you're not available guys enjoy the show with tom and i now okay cause we're doing different things oh we certainly are go ahead and tell people no i'm not i'm not no why no because you're doing your own thing man i'm not doing my own thing i am not doing my own thing i feel like roger clinton right now hey you're doing very exciting things and i'm stop saying you're doing very exciting things very exciting things i'm very happy for you i think it's going to be amazing but i'm going to rehab everybody after your rehab stint i'm i'm i have to try to bank these so that while you're in rehab and while i'm traveling and moving that these still come out i know that's right you're going to move yeah and you're getting maybe you just don't move that's something i've thought about it's really annoying to move i know and like like what do you have like how do you do the whole sell your house buy a new house what do you do in the middle team like just drive no i'm staying in a hotel for a minute and then yeah it's really with your kids yeah it's a nightmare it's a nightmare oh the last time you did that it's a nightmare so wait you're moving when you are you moving before your birthday or after your birthday cause i gotta figure out delivery of your present after my birthday and i won't be home for my birthday so how do i do your present well as soon as i get back i'm not gonna i don't get out of rehab until like [ __ ] july i don't know man you gotta coordinate it somehow it's coming up though i know april 15th 16th same same yeah i do midnight on the 15th okay i'll be gone that day too wait where are you going to be i'll be in kentucky doing what i just love horses dude you know that oh my god what if i bought you a horse for your birthday that would be so upsetting i would immediately call whitney and be like i got you something there's another one around i know we don't talk much but i got you a horse um uh yeah no don't get me a horse oh i got a good present for you really yeah really hard to get present too is it loud yeah oh yeah it's loud you like it you're gonna like it and your boy's gonna like it oh i can't wait yeah you're gonna like it christina's gonna be like oh i don't care yeah that means it's good yeah yeah it's gonna be it's gonna be good i wish i can't even tell but you gotta remind me off mike because because of the fact that they lit that they listen a friend of mine told me the best worst gift that his wife gave him that is the funniest [ __ ] thing oh my god it's so disappointing for real can't say anymore yeah why because i can't because they listen they probably already figured it out [Laughter] oh [ __ ] oh my god this was fun while it lasted though it was man we had a lot of good time remember jennifer aston we got her to hit us up yeah yeah yeah that was fun kate beckinsale you know what's so funny would it be crazy to you if while you're in rehab i met jennifer aniston it's not crazy it's a betrayal [Laughter] i'm just putting this out right now yeah that is a betrayal how is it betrayed because that's how this whole thing started is we made a promise that if we ever met jennifer aniston we would bring the other person if you bring one of your sidekicks from the next [ __ ] month to meet jennifer anderson i will lose my [ __ ] by the way if i swear to god i swear to you on my children if i'm in a restaurant jennifer anderson comes up sees me walks over and says i just want to say hi i'm going to go like this i can't talk to you right now i can't talk to you i'm i'm so sorry i have to cancel you in my eyes yeah because because i made a promise to my best friend that i would meet her with him well i would i would never um i would never betray you okay do people plan out rehab like a month out like i'm going to rehab next month i think they um they they usually kind of go in the moment it's kind of a spur yeah yeah i mean i think some people try to go i'm going to go next month and then you just never make it how many of our fans do you think get the jokes sometimes don't just jokes that we make like like when i go i think most people get the joke i bet there's some that don't of course someday that's obvious that go it's interesting what this show means to them when like the kind of person that watches this and goes that really believes everything and goes [ __ ] bert is not stronger than tom like and then you're like yeah i know [ __ ] [ __ ] face his dad's a powerlifter he's been powerlifting his whole [ __ ] life not a powerless your dad was a [ __ ] power lifter he was an olympic lifter he was olympic lifter for the state of peru but you know all those movements so you have been powerlifting like you i'll say this i'll say this i'm familiar to like in an amateur way with the sport because i was around it so much yeah i never dedicated myself to it i never was like fully invested in it so i i don't have crazy connect or anything you can power lift you can out power lift any comedian the same way i can out golf any comedian i can not out powerlift any comedian you said that earlier you said okay let's name the comedians you think you get out powerlift sebastian easy peasy okay well first of all we're talking about when i'm healthy right oh yeah yeah not now not now not no uh let's name one comic you don't think you could have power lift joe that's it uh shobb okay um i bet you there's there's really strong dudes i bet you godfrey's strong as [ __ ] i bet you took some sewing power lifts um i bet you uh it's a deadlift let's just do out deadlift out deadlift yeah i mean i'm sure there's people that like that's part of has been part of their routine and sometimes it's it's surprised like i've been around like 170 pound guys that are insanely strong so it's not just like really yeah yeah if you're like into it like if you're people who really make that part of their life yeah they get really strong man and it's it's stunning to see a guy that that small like 175 pull 500 or more it's crazy yeah i'm saying george did her body weight georgia did yeah she we were [ __ ] around and i was and all right trainer was there and i was like george let's see what you can deadlift and she was like uh well come on just see it she was like ah and then we're like well okay if you're not weak she was like i'm not weaked out i can do it yeah so she went and did like did the bar did the bar with tens did the bar with twenties starts doing it and then all of a sudden we're like how much do you weigh she was like i have no idea it was just i was so nice to hear that your daughter isn't bulimic yeah you're like you don't know how much you weigh oh thank god yeah yeah oh my god you don't know you don't care how much you weigh oh my god victory that's a big one dodge the bullet what do you weigh 86 pounds oh [ __ ] and so um is that what she weighs no i don't she's eyeless tiny islands i don't want oh never mind anyway so i got [ __ ] i gotta learn i'm feel like i'm biting my tongue a lot lately why i don't know and i don't like it because i'm always wrong like i'm living in a world right now where i'm always wrong where every thing i think i go i'm wrong like i even for thinking thoughts i go shouldn't thought that oh thank god i didn't say that out loud it's all getting to you man that's why i don't tweet anything i don't read anything anymore i don't like anything real only thing i tweeted the other day and [ __ ] bill burr's wife lit me up was uh uh i want hot mustard chips potato chips she let you up about that she was like i go hey how about you're gonna say something way more inflammatory [Laughter] like there's no asian hate like that kind of thing no can i tell you even this is how measured i am on twitter i swear to you i wanted to tweet out i want chinese mustard potato chips awesome yeah oh except for the all this just going on in the asian community i was like just keep the word chinese out i don't why even be a white guy and tweet that you like chinese mustard like don't and then because you know someone's gonna be like oh why's it gotta be chinese mustard you're like yeah cause it's the best because it's spiciest [ __ ] [ __ ] and it's also the one i'm familiar with yeah and it's if that chinese mustard when you get like uh uh egg rolls with that little bit of sweetness yeah that little bit that whatever that pink sauce is yeah yeah that is a potato chip would be so good i'm really thinking i might have missed my calling in in like the snack food category i can see that my mouse wait what did his wife say to you i said to her i said something about hi how about you follow me back on twitter she goes why can i so i can read stupid chip recipes and i go huh i thought that would be a good idea and she goes oh yeah oh mustard potato chips and i go wait wouldn't chinese mustard potato chips got work be good she goes oh actually they would be good when she followed me let's see if she followed me let's see i don't think she did dude how much of a nightmare was the bad friends thing i will i will tell you she follows me um i will tell you it's i don't for whatever [ __ ] reason when you start laughing my laughter quota quotient question whatever question yeah question goes up so [ __ ] high for when you start laughing like i'm an easy laugh right like i can laugh easy but when you start laughing i can't i can't hold it in because i watch you you do this thing when you laugh where you get really excited your face is all red and your eyes are red and you when she didn't know the game we were playing yeah that is the hardest i've laughed all week did you know that the first song was a real song no yeah for real yeah the daddy why did you die daddy daddy where are you yeah oh i thought no i didn't know that that's a real song from who from bobby and and andrew from bobby's dad dying for real yeah yeah yeah oh yeah his dad's dead yeah dude you want to talk about cancelable the outtakes on the cabin oh yeah i mean me him and bobby doing scream therapy and uh trying to communicate to their fathers and then they just take over the roles of each other's fathers you and i stayed out of it but him and bobby are who's him donnell's playing bobby's father oh bobby and i'm like hey guys you can't do that and bobby's like damn darnell and i'm like okay neither can you but it's so [ __ ] funny it's so [ __ ] funny i'm so i'm afraid can i tell you i actually like someone said something funny to me that was horrific yeah and i started laughing and georgia looked at me like and i'm like okay if you guys are gonna start [ __ ] regulating laughter yeah i don't know what [ __ ] world i belong in yeah i laugh at [ __ ] up [ __ ] of course but i mean that's part of like being a kid too is seeing your parent joke or laugh and being like the [ __ ] are you laughing she tells me she'll tell me that that's not funny actually that's not funny and i'll be like that's kind of funny which one of us is a professional here sweetie i've said that to her do you like your cell phone i said that to her yeah you like your teeth yeah that was dick jokes yeah it was a joke about your mom sleeping at me sliding my dick in her mouth while she was sleeping and going you're streaming i don't think you need to be that specific you could just say it's jokes that's a myth that's about me and your mom's [ __ ] and she farted huh you like that she farted on my chin almost [ __ ] in my mouth scream fire in the hole if you're gonna do that [ __ ] that's what i said and then you got braces and then you got braces uh there's a joke about me [ __ ] your mom about doggy style because she was sick i didn't want to cover the wall [ __ ] their studio sucks though oh yeah yeah their studio is very like is very uh death squad 2004. yeah yeah we have the ice house [ __ ] vault annex room uh i remember that was the first that desk squad studio was the first studio we went like we went and it's so funny like i would love to know where the technology stood at the time because i bet it's still past what bobby and andrew are at yeah like it like because what's red band doing he's in austin and they're doing shows they're doing he does oh he's killed tony and he does secret show okay he's still doing all his podcasts all the stuff he was doing here yes he shaved his head he did yeah did you see that go to pull up red bands uh did you have a full head of hair yes he has a great head of hair you know brian i gotta be honest with you brian is one of the better looking dudes that i know he's a good looking man okay uh that's not it and that's hugo i think go up go up it's gotta be one of i guess he grew his hair back very quickly go go to his stories go to his stories go to stories go to his stories okay kill tony 500 sold in less than 24 hours good job breadband here we go that looks like duncan trestle painting what's that that's his lady yeah how many chick live in vr jesus wow he shaved his head i i'd facetime him but i'm certain he's asleep definitely definitely asleep and that was that was the most i mean i've we've talked about it before but one of the most [ __ ] mind-numbing things is the way bobby can sleep i just it's so insane i was up at six o'clock this morning yeah i was up six o'clock got in i took a shower i love showering before i work out really yeah a little shower you're so goddamn weird i like a hot shower before i work out because i go in the shower and i start sweating immediately okay and then i sweat it's a clean sweat yeah it's like not a dirty like yeah grimy sweat it's a clean sweat dude i killed it this morning you want to try yeah i've had this new theory about about if i do i'm trying to like learn just a bottle of wine like just a bottle of wine at night at night just uh like under a bottle it's the johnny depp diet where johnny depp on his sets would get these really expensive bottle of wines and then he'd get to the end and he just put a cigarette out in it and then be like i'm done with that and it was under a bottle of wine it's 130 23 calories for a bottle of wine i can't be right that's for one serving as well that's a glass of wine anyway i did under a bottle of wine last night watched the von erichs on um watch the documentary on the vaughan eric's you know the van big russell you're a big wrestling fan right yeah yeah big and uh and then uh alarming and then i went to went to sleep by myself dude the von erics were the [ __ ] yeah carrie von erick look at that [ __ ] stud look at him with his jawline these are brothers yeah kevin carey and mike i actually followed their sons ross and marshall where did you have my sons last night what that's dad right there in the front fritz one eric brittsford eric was a nazi do i have no hold on let me phrase that let me phrase that that came out wrong fritz von eric played a nazi oh he that's a really different sound yeah yeah yeah it's a very different sentence he played a nazi as a wrestler he wasn't he would come in in the 40s dressed as a nazi and he ran all of texas wrestling and he had these [ __ ] gorgeous boys and they uh and they and he just kind of groomed them to be the the champs that's lance get rid of the lamp how do you know about these guys because i was really interested when i was a kid i didn't realize i was in wrestling until i started hanging out with cody rhodes yeah and he started i started talking to him about stuff and he was like wait you watched the match where carrie von erick beat rick flair and i was like [ __ ] yeah i was like wait you didn't and he was like no i didn't i'm a [ __ ] wrestling fan yeah yeah and i was like well yeah because the von eriks we used to get texas wrestling in tampa and and i i loved the vaughn eric kevin von eric wrestled barefoot so i identified with him no he really came in with a swastika he came in with a swastika jesus christ that's [ __ ] yeah and now that'll wake you up right yeah he came in swastika hey get this guy out like he was yeah there he is these are pictures he put which is yeah he's like i'm doing a character guys jesus they had the claw the claw the dude all the von ericks like half of them died from suicide why are they enormous because they oh they're big [ __ ] big huge [ __ ] carry von erich was carrie von erick was probably the go to type in carrie von erich carrie von erick was a god lost his foot in a motorcycle accident uh you wanna hear something weird yeah think about this this is totally could have happened it's a big old [ __ ] man dude that's not even at him in his biggest he gets bigger there's like pictures of him he's just a [ __ ] beast yeah he looks like it jesus i mean he was a monster he committed suicide he did yeah yeah committed suicide well he lost his foot in a motorcycle accident he goes in gets his foot repaired right he's laying in bed in the hospital he smells mcdonald's and he gets up to go to mcdonald's and steps on his bad foot and destroys all the surgery they did to it and they have to cut off his [ __ ] foot all because he smelled mcdonald's this is in the documentary yeah i'm not sure if that's real or not didn't you he suffered dissipated hit doctor we're unable to type in wait wait uh you're you're not sure if that's true or not almost sure it's true sometimes i hear things and i don't know if i'm i'm not certain uh i i i'm pretty sure you smell me he attempted to walk on it prematurely because he smell mcdonald's it says that no but that's what i know that happened he smelled mcdonald's and he tried to walk down the hall to get some mcdonald's and he stepped on his foot and it [ __ ] it up and they had to amputate it and then he wrestled with one foot he wrestled with one foot in the wwe f at the time and uh and there's a there's one thing um i don't know if cody if i'm supposed to talk about this or not oh anyway if you're a wrestling fan and i'm breaking the rules yeah kfab or whatever someone yanked his [ __ ] foot off one time they're wrestling oh and they grabbed the boot because no one knew that carrie didn't have a foot oh they said it's kept a secret yeah he's kept secret so one guy grabbed his boot and ripped his boot off and there's like ripped foot off can you imagine pulling a boot [Laughter] oh my god dude i've been lifting a lot i didn't think i could do this i'm on steroids i gotta tell everybody i just ripped the man's foot off where's the blood how come there's no blood i ripped it clean oh my god oh my god oh yeah and so uh that's him right there probably right yeah he wore these like razzle dazzle boots when he didn't have a foot he was the best man and i followed kevin von errick lives in like kauai now or lanai in hawaii with his two sons his two sons are wrestlers and so i'm like oh they are yeah ross and marshall and i followed them last night on twitter i cannot believe [ __ ] studs jesus yeah right holy [ __ ] these guys are [ __ ] they have genetics that are through the [ __ ] it's a little more than genetics pal dude yeah [ __ ] it's got to be a little bit right yeah it's got to be there i mean the whole family had to be at some point come on except for michael i think michael was the tall one he was like six seven yeah i mean they're [ __ ] because they're big shots yeah i wonder how tall though i mean you're working out a lot you're gonna look like that pretty soon my arms kind of do look like that a little bit right now like i'm concerned i took a picture of myself you're concerned i'm concerned that people are going to be like it'll be hard to watch my act oh yeah because it's funny when we did bad friends his bad friends already aired at this time yeah yeah when we did bad friends i put on that shirt as a joke and you can tell that everyone was like wow man you're really muscular i took a picture of myself naked this morning i had it look not bad not bad a little muscular in the dark is a shadow i am running like crazy and the number one thing i care about when i run is socks socks that cramp up in the front of the toe i don't know if you've ever had time to have that happen to you it make they make you crazy that's why i love features if you want to perform at your best you need to feel the best from head to toe and features is obsessed with making the perfect sock ones that you don't have to think about because they're custom like fit means they don't slip they don't bunch and they certainly don't give you blisters that is number one if you plan on running 12 miles man the last thing you want to feel is a little nudge on the back your heel that's not going to happen with features they've got 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for ten dollars off your first pair of features this episode of two bears one cave is brought to you by squarespace my website berberbert.com was designed by my wife in a moment of giving up desperation she said i've got to be able to do better than these prices that are coming in and we teamed up with squarespace they were sponsored the birdcast at the time and my wife designed our website by herself with squarespace she decided i have a cool idea she turned that cool idea into the website you if you have a website you can showcase your work with it blog publish content sell your products services of any kind and they have gorgeous templates created by world-class designers a powerful ecommerce functionality that allows you to sell anything online and you get to customize the look feel setting and the products in just a few clicks if you want to buy a new domain choose from over 200 extensions built-in search engine optimization free and secure hosting and the best and this is why leanne loved it 24 7 award-winning customer service go to squarespace.com for a free trial when you're ready to launch and use the code bears to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain that's squarespace.com enter the code bears anyway um speaking of hitler can i tell you something yeah i have been tripped up on the fact that bad guy or good guy bad guy a bad guy okay bad guy but i wonder right now you know how like when people you know like when people get like canceled and then they come back and like i didn't realize my actions what i was doing i didn't i wonder if hitler was like came back to life and he'd be like oh [ __ ] they look badly on what i did yeah because everyone was agreeing like i mean yeah yeah everyone was co-signing on like now i'm the bad guy no i'm the bad guy yeah like i would love to hear his his apology and i am so sorry or if he just like showed up with a bunch of papers like let me first of all let me just say that when i gave this speech everybody was applause they were all applauding everybody it's almost like when sarah had to apologize for the britney or for the britney sp or the paris hilton joke and she was like she was like i felt bad at the time but you know what the t you know part of sarah had to be i had to be like hey guys i wasn't the only one making fun of her i don't remember this what is this sarah apologized silverman silverman apologized to britney spears not britney spears paris hilton yeah recently like last week for a joke yeah she made a joke about here by the way i think still think paris hilton's [ __ ] hot as [ __ ] except paris hilton i think periscope's hottie [ __ ] yeah [ __ ] so hot of course she is so hot okay apologize for mocking her in 2007. 2007 just to be fair like just to be fair and across the board they've tried they're trying to cancel david letterman because um he was pretty uh aggressive i guess to her i don't remember i didn't see that interview i was like can i tell you something what i disagree with though what's that doing like apologizing for old stuff because like it's true that if you go i told this joke in 2005 it killed today in 2021 it's not okay it's like yeah but we're not we're not in 2005 like i don't have to apologize for saying [ __ ] up things 15 years because back then it wasn't as [ __ ] up you know it's yeah how you're supposed to like uh i should apologize because the culture was different and the environment was different it's it's it's super uh monday morning quarterback for everyone to go that shit's out of bounds today where you go well what about back then how come you didn't call her out then above that she said uh she said something like she's going to jail it doesn't say the joke i'll tell you the joke i mean i i wonder if sarah's going to be upset that i quote her joke we're talking about it yeah it makes sense her joke was um something to the effect of the she's going to jail tomorrow because she was going to jail the next day which i would have been like if i was going to jail the next day i would have been like i don't want to hear i'm not maybe i'm not going to go to a roast and here i have a feeling i'll be brought up i'm going to jail tomorrow but um they've pinned the bars to look like dicks so she'd feel more at home anyway stop stop stop i know it's really difficult you know to apologize and for someone to do that really means a lot apologies are never late so it's okay okay well and apparently she said in sarah's defense she felt she felt not cool with that joke the night she told it you know that she got it they [ __ ] she's doing a roast for mtv they slide her a bunch of jokes yeah she probably wrote a bunch of that were the good ones yeah and then a bunch of writers slit or saw me she's like i gotta fill time yeah i'm gonna [ __ ] tell these jokes she read it it killed she looked at paris paris was not cool with it and i bet in all honesty that's why i don't do roasts i don't like hurting people's feelings i bet sarah's like that's not who i am i feel bad she wrote paris a letter that day she did and gave it gave it to paris's assistant and said hey can you give this to her because like i felt bad about that joke paris uh was on her way to jail so she didn't get any letters right then had a rough time in jail and then kind of disappeared right and then today was she going to jail for dui and and the joke was something about she's going to jail tomorrow um they painted the bars to look like dicks so she'd be more at home okay oh shouldn't chip her teeth or something whatever i don't know and so but it's it's funny and it's not funny look i just think it's crazy that i remember that back then people were angry with paris hilton because she i'm just saying what it was was that she didn't have any talent is what everyone assumed but she was famous and that was the beginning of that happening of like the snookies and the the situations and the pauly d's and the all of a sudden we're getting inundated with this fame everyone you know like the kardashians and now we kind of know that those are our that's our royalty now we realize oh if you do get fame like snooki is kind of like royalty to us now is that people look at her and go i mean even i go [ __ ] snooki's been around for a while you know i made fun of her when she was coming out but i maybe that you know whatever but it's it's funny that no one has any like no one has any like awareness of how they behaved in 2007 regarding paris hilton right did they they think they all went to dinner parties with their friends and they're like i really like her and i think that she's gonna have a great career like like no one [ __ ] talked like that no of course not and they didn't do that about anyone the situation or all that [ __ ] they came out and everyone mocked them and the comedian simply did what was happening at that time which is [ __ ] crazy to me yeah i i i think that like sarah's doing something that it's very mature and like very mature and grown up and everything but i just don't think you need to you know i mean she i get it she feels bad she feels bad she's perfect if you feel genuine you feel bad but i'm saying i'm i'm making more of a a general statement that i don't think as a comedian you are obligated in any way to be like let me defend this uh 20 year old i have a bit that i did i looked at i look at my first special and i go i'm not going uh what yeah okay yeah that's what i was doing at the time right [ __ ] comfortably dumb is not speak it didn't age well let's just say let's just say that uh that someone off asked to buy it and i was like i think i'm gonna keep that yeah it's like the [ __ ] the track list from comfortably dumb is like let's talk about mexicans let's talk about blacks let's talk about gays and i'm like jesus christ bert what the [ __ ] [Laughter] it's so funny thinking about watching that i remember watching i'm not selling it as an nft [ __ ] that i think i'll just keep my career by the way do you remember watching that at your apartment yeah i remember watching that coming over and watching it i remember i mean like i was that was all did it change things the next day no or not at all nothing no one saw it no one saw it no one's i mean it's online was that like so disappointing that not like no one's thought but like meaning like it's out and you're like so what happens now i remember running into bill burr and asking him like he was like yeah special and i was like yeah and he was like nothing i said yeah he goes what the [ __ ] what what do we do these and no one sees them and it was because comedy central's business paradigm at the time was was was that joke on there that was a good special [ __ ] off i don't give a [ __ ] i i i stand by everything in that special that was a good special you just really did a 180 right then yeah yeah i just remembered i had the carrot cucumber joke's a great [ __ ] joke yeah carrot cucumber is a great joke fighting a black guy's a great joke yeah the ma the [ __ ] latino jokes in there are great hey man everything's [ __ ] good it's not bad disneyland on ask that's a good [ __ ] special you literally went from that thing is a problem and i am not so comfortable with it and you're like you know what [ __ ] it you know what it is you know what it is i dealt with a lot of i dealt with a lot of uh backlash because i had one joke about that i wrote on my way there i wrote on my way there and i was on your way to tape on my way to say there's like three jokes in there that i wrote on during the special yeah i was i had i really enjoyed that especially when no one watched it i mean yeah i enjoyed it yeah i mean here's the thing is i i don't it's not as much as like i don't give a [ __ ] you can watch a special you can find it online i'm certain those jokes are online certain people ripped it put them online and i'm i have people have seen them recently i haven't been cancelled my profile's increased i haven't been cancelled so i'm i'm fine with that special but i just don't that material i think i graduated from that she did like where i look at the stuff i write now and i go it's it's not more woke i'm definitely not more woke i'm just but it's just i'm a better comedian now that's exactly what that's why i really didn't want to sell it so i was like i don't really care for people to see that because i was young and i was like trying to break walls down and it just is it's embarrassing when you are a good comic and you're like i can just [ __ ] tell a story now yeah yeah yeah um what is what is your mima thing what do you mean i mean dude i didn't know [ __ ] about kamala harris okay i didn't know anything about her like i really honestly it's interesting how little what little information comes into my brain from the news cycle yeah like all i knew is that technically i thought everyone hated kamala harris technically like like his like all the all the democrats hated her when she was running for president like all the democrats were like she went back on her prime bills she's a liar and then and then and i i and then i thought biden hated her and then when they teamed up i was like okay fine whatever she she she got him good at one of those early debate like she slammed him yeah she lit him up and then all of a sudden they got there i was like this is a little [ __ ] flip-floppy but um i didn't realize how [ __ ] brilliant her family is last night upset her sister meem her niece mina mina mina i don't know by the way mina harris is gorgeous just fyi and [ __ ] brilliant that's her sister is her niece her niece okay gorgeous by the way they're both gorgeous by the way their whole [ __ ] family's gorgeous nina's mom is a [ __ ] smoke show too who's and mina mean uh is what is she she is uh for lack of better words and this is why i keep bringing up roger clinton she's roger clinton like remember robert clinton yeah yeah roger clinton is a is a real treat i miss that guy i gotta be honest with you i would roger clinton yeah is burt i you took the words out of my mouth yeah i mean this guy was a real piece of work you know what is you know what you know what you know what they you know a secret service called him no operation headache really because he was a pain in the ass so it shows you what a great dude by the way i'm nervous saying bill clinton was a great dude because i'm certain [ __ ] cuz gonna come out about that guy but it shows you what a great dude bill clinton has a sketchy pass yeah i think a lot of it's out i don't think it's stuff that's coming out yeah but it got cuomo'd under the rug yeah it's uh but bill clinton was like good big brother to that guy he bought him [ __ ] houses pardon duis i mean i meant allegedly i don't know yeah he like roger clinton would show up and be like yo i got these buddies i was part of the last night yeah can you pardon them real quick and bill's like all right and just write them off and like like it would he was such a [ __ ] headache at one point you would so be that guy at one point this is by the way this is from what little i realized what researched because i was like obsessed with roger i i i saw mina harris trending so what does she what does she do she just is she's just apparently i got a buddy that works at the white house and he texted me and he's like uh she's a [ __ ] nightmare this lady is yeah because she's she doesn't really lawyer children's book author producer founder of the phenomenal woman action camera she's trying to grow her brand through her her aunt sure which is fine i would do the same [ __ ] thing yeah i would do the same thing but it's sometimes in growing your brand you'd scroll through you gotta like tweet off [ __ ] and she like tweeted something about the [ __ ] boulder shooter she was like [ __ ] another white guy she's killing everyone and then everyone was like here's my there you go scroll down or whatever he wants she wrote violent white men are the greatest terrorist threat to our country by the way her her aunt is the vice president it makes you seem like she deleted the tweet oh yeah she had to if he was a [ __ ] wife he's a syrian born but she her aunt her aunt is the vice president it means it's it's sunday's supper the conversation isn't so [ __ ] even killed it's like god [ __ ] these white people you know biden must be like hey push open couples door your [ __ ] niece is at it again [Music] i just by the way just for the record am i gonna say this i thought he was white too before i saw that he was i didn't you the the suspect yeah before you knew what he was i was like i figured he was a white guy i thought he was like everyone did but i didn't tweet it who [ __ ] tweets there's a lot of things i think i just don't see them and i say a lot of [ __ ] up [ __ ] oh anyway anyway so i what were we talking about roger clinton yeah anyway mina harris is by the way smoking she's super smoking hot yeah smoking by the way i don't you know i don't mind [ __ ] people who [ __ ] shoot from the hip and just [ __ ] inflammatory [ __ ] i don't mind that i know you don't mind that i love it i love it more of that [ __ ] more roger clinton's yeah more roger clinton's in my opinion someone's like hey roger how do you have such a nice house he goes well me and my brother split at 50 50. yeah and they're like wait you paid for this he's like yeah they're like you pay taxes on that money he's like oh my brother bought it for me my bad my bad i thought we were gonna [ __ ] right we're not [ __ ] i got two chicks fighting in the backyard you won't see it wanna see it they're gonna sue me they're gonna sue me he is a [ __ ] real like mina's too smart if we could get a dumb niece like a real dumb niece to roger clinton it up anyway a little sidebar okay a little sidebar uh mina harris is the all kamala harris's family they're all geniuses really every person in that family would run circles around the average person like yeah they're all look at this donald harris he's like a geneticist that's her dad that's her dad he was what does he do he's an economist and a professor at stanford yeah [ __ ] or her mom's a geneticist i think her mom did research breast cancer really yeah yeah i researched a little bit of this let's see you're right american biomedical scientist born in british india isolating characterizing progesterone receptor gene that's all that's that's brains you can't shake that out of their dna that's brains those two parents are your parents you're going to be a genius you're [ __ ] everyone in your family is going to be a genius so what we need is we need a dumb harris a harris like a robin harris that we can hang out with remember robin harris yeah comic he was oh he was brilliant kids yeah baby's kids wouldn't it be great we found that robin harris was related to comments oh man he was the [ __ ] best robin harris is the best man he was the best look look at this [ __ ] he would he would just roast the [ __ ] out of people front row you wanted no part of that he would destroy you man so good his special that ended up leading to beybased kids is so [ __ ] funny just him eviscerating people just for showing up to his special and he had that he was like one of the like it would sound you know like an old school thing now because it but he was the original and when someone was like hey um do you have any extra change you can spare you like you can get a job i could spare like he would just like tell people to get [ __ ] jobs for asking him for money he was great though man his cadence was hilarious yeah a lot of people said that he's good he uh you know his his cadence is what like bernie mac took you know really i mean people have said that bernie mac uh hems downstairs yes himself kim's downstairs because i believe robin would be chicago too right no i thought he was i thought he was compton chicago or st louis i'm guessing no i think he's l.a almost certain he's la we're about to find out chicago illinois [ __ ] yeah born in chicago died in chicago that's baby's kids yep he was how old would he be today uh let's see when was he born 53. he died at the age of hold on what that was he he was 36 he died at what that's so young i didn't realize he was that young he had like an older guy's vibe you know like even in that special i thought he was 50. yeah he was 36 tom that's crazy that is how old i was when i did my first special probably me too wow yeah and then what's crazy is that he i mean that's insane that's insane he's got a son robin harris jr i wonder if he does stand up he started to do stand up he did yeah stand up's weird it doesn't really get trans it doesn't go down he doesn't but i don't know i don't know if he does or not oh it kind of looks like his dad yeah he does this podcast is brought to you by expressvpn expressvpn lets you change your online locations so you can control 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meundies.com bears that's meundies.com bears trust me you're going to love these undies yeah that's a that's that's tough to live up to for sure it's tough because it's you you ex i think i wonder if you know it's it's a voice so once you get you establish that voice as a comic then people see your child and if your child has a similar voice yeah then you're like well i always thought it was i thought the craziest thing i'd ever heard when i first heard it was that chris rock had a brother doing stand-up i heard that and i was like how how why would you even but then i found out like i learned that tony's really good comments tony's really good and by the way if i'm not mistaken but they both say jordan their youngest brother yeah is funnier than all of them really yeah they uh all and by the way right now tony's going i've never said that once yeah yeah no i remember i've heard chris say it about tony i think tony's i mean i don't know it's hard to say i think i just i just mean like i didn't even know tony was and i heard chris brock's brother does stand up and i go why would you do that why would you do that their cousin does it too yeah yeah i mean i remember starting tony i think it already started but i was working the door when tony started coming by tony's definitely better looking than chris tony's a good looking man tony murdered at the store one time and i had to follow him and i was like what [ __ ] bit it was a it was an old school cadence bit where it was like dot dot dot dot dot dot found down and it it was murdering and i was i had to go next i go the [ __ ] is that i couldn't unders i couldn't i'm in the back cause i couldn't hear it i go to the bucket of that bit and he was almost like huh oh i don't yes it's my little bit and i was like yeah you know that at the um tony woods did that when we would uh i did shoreline amphitheater with him in chicago oh yeah and tony woods goes up there and we're doing 20-minute sets before dave tony does a 20-minute set there's 22 000 people at the show and after his 20-minute set he gets a standing ovation and we were all like okay like no dude and he walks off like oh what the [ __ ] man he goes that's like a college set man he's like so he was like this is just some [ __ ] he you know he used to have this bit that he did back when i started about uh having his he had a monkey at a pet monkey and he used to dress him up like he'd shave him and dress him up like himself and we'd walk around tiny his stories about him and his monkey going on adventures and i talked to him the other day and i was like i used to love that bit like about you and the monkey picking up [ __ ] and he was like you know i really had a monkey right i was like no he was like yeah remember i was dating that girl from yemen or something i was like yeah he goes well she had a monkey and we smuggled it into the country and i was like wait you really had a [ __ ] monkey he goes oh yeah and my girlfriend got pissed that i was telling that joke she was like if they find out we have a monkey we're in a lot of trouble we brought it in from a different [ __ ] country i go you really had a [ __ ] monkey and he was like yeah and i would dress it up to look like only tony would do only tony he's the [ __ ] greatest man yeah he called me up one time he goes he goes hey shawty hey shorty i'm in uh i'm in australia watching some [ __ ] tell our tracy morgan story i said really goes yeah i'ma go up and talk to the [ __ ] some guy was telling the [ __ ] oh i heard about that and tony just walked up he's like that's a great story man what bar was you at and the guy was like uh tony just busted him tony's the [ __ ] greatest wasn't that didn't that trend somewhere like didn't that get online yeah something did somebody was doing that yeah yeah remind me to tell you about something on the dl okay yeah boy boy oh boy yeah um yeah i yeah i got one for you too what i gotta tell you i'll write it down are you left-handed yep and i'm riding with my left hand again so go suck my left ball nice i got one of those for you no way yeah oh wow oh i almost want to end the podcast now um so i was always hung up on hitler that he um he didn't grow up in germany right but then he took over germany you're you're fixed on this well yeah because a lot of a lot of these so i've been obsessed with revolutions ever since that storm the capital thing i've been obsessed with revolutions i've been obsessed with revolution were you at the capitol no no no no no no yeah i was getting vaccinated there and so so i uh i go i i was obsessed with the fact that lenin i think lenin wasn't russian right he was georgian okay um hitler grew up in austria in austria right but then i found out that it's kind of like nate barghotzi he's going to love this let me get this cleaned so someone can cut hitler and nate pargotzi have a lot in common and i'll explain why on the next episode of two paragraphs you know how nate you know how nate represents vanderbilt on everything and he didn't go to school there i got you that's hitler that's hitler so that that type of personality of someone who didn't go to school somewhere that loves wearing their hats is very similar to hitler's personality of not growing up in germany but wishing he had gone to germany yeah yeah and like he went to high school and then never went to college right right and so nate and hitler have a lot in common yeah hitler and dave williamson have a lot in common let's go back to nate okay hitler cause he's probably got a big tour coming up and maybe he could he could brand it like ooh that's not a bad idea i'm a lot like hitler tour no no it's nate pargotzi and then call it my struggle mind comp [Laughter] and then just be like and have his vanderbilt hat off to the side like don't you wish you a guy and a little mustache right now nate's gonna be like i don't find any of this funny i believe it i don't find any of this funny i do a christian podcast where we talk about uh waffles and biscuits and gravy i bet i think i think you're probably pissing them off more right now yeah no it is the same is it is that hitler did just identified with being german yeah it's like and he is you didn't go to vanderbilt that's what you're saying yeah he didn't go to vanderbilt and so and he but he would bring up germany all the time the way nate brings up vanderbilt games you're like didn't go to school there right he was like i know but i've been a big fan and you're like okay we know where this leads [Laughter] i was i was stuck on that by the way it's a perfect analogy like that's a perfect it's my my wife's family who are all alabama fans but they don't even live in alabama never been to alabama that's a big southern thing though a lot of southern folks [ __ ] have a bama fan as hitler hitler was a big germany fan that's crazy he was a big germany fan he was a fan of he faked an accent so that he sounded more german do you want to run this by nate real quick yeah i would love to yeah because i think nate would really appreciate it like once you once you he hears should we facetime him the way normal people call each other yeah yeah do it do it definitely on the golf course nate bargotsy facetime okay okay see what he says congrats on his new special of course too we should new special average american hero average american average american um i think who doesn't answer a facebook most average american as average american i'm pretty sure i thought it was the most average american the greatest average american oh all right what are you doing a bunch of interviews okay well perfect we're doing two bears one cave you're here with tom sagara hey nate hey what's up dude first of all congrats on the netflix special i'm putting you towards camera so people can see your reaction when i run this idea by you oh yeah and i'd like to see his face oh man go ahead okay i was pointing out how you and hitler are similar because hey hey nate nate this isn't the first time hearing this go ahead nate [Laughter] nate just so you know this is all bert okay go ahead burt i go you know hitler was austrian but he was a big fan of germany that's like you and vanderbilt like you didn't go to vanderbilt but you're a big fan of vanderbilt and you talk about vanderbilt hey nate he's really he really likes this theory that you and hitler are very similar in this regard because yeah like hitler was always talking about germany and we're in germany hats on stage and people go oh you germany he's like no i'm a big fan i like what they do yeah he's always talking about their players and all that and maybe you can start throwing this out in these interviews you're doing so the name of your next tour we're thomas thinking you can call it my struggle talk about it just just go full in and just say okay i went to vanderbilt as a matter of fact i'm running for president of vanderbilt you like it nate am i running for president vanderbilt yeah or if you're yeah i got some good ideas that i think vanderbilt should be [Laughter] doing yeah letting those be known soon we're leaking them out slowly and slowly yeah like for instance there's some of the student body they should throw out probably right causing a lot of problems congrats on the special name and you're welcome for this treat of a phone call all right all right i love you i'll talk to you later bye bud bye jesus christ oh that went well someone called kamala harris do you think kamala harris would like our show no for real no doing joe bidenwood joe biden to politicians we think that would love our show versus politicians that would hate our show bernie sanders no no no they're not fun dude politicians aren't fun dems they're not fun oh you think republicans would like our show for sure for real yes they have a better sense you know a registered republican i didn't no yeah i get i was [ __ ] i get emails from donald trump all the time and i'm like why the [ __ ] you probably signed up for a man i signed up when i was 18 and i registered to vote i just picked one and i picked republican and then when i found out i said it's a leanne i go i'm a registered republican and she goes yeah i know i was like wait how did you know she goes because you went to sign up you went to go vote for the democratic when we first got married yeah i went to go vote for something and they wouldn't let me focus i wasn't registered for that and then she said don't change it because you already know who you're going to vote for on our side stay on that side and you can help pick the person on that side and i was like uh well i don't know i don't know what the [ __ ] riddle that was but uh yeah no i'm saying that like if you had a if you said like you can perform to a room full of republicans or democrats i would choose republicans every time because they have a way better sense of humor yeah i did a [ __ ] like a polit like somebody asked me to be on a show my my fundraiser my inside spy on the in the white house is a republican yeah he's not in the white house right now but my insider on washington dc oh god yeah they republicans will laugh they're they they think i'm [ __ ] brilliant he thinks you're brilliant what the [ __ ] does this guy do i got a couple inside spies yeah yeah i got a few inside spies okay cool you ever do you ever done like a woke crowd yeah yeah that's that's like the damn party now ugh so like if you're doing a show i'm saying i'm talking about like having a conversation or whatever i'm saying like doing a show oh god it's a [ __ ] total nightmare oh yeah it's like the difference between performing in like i guess i i yeah i bet i wonder why it would be interesting to know what the majority of the listeners of our podcast what their politics are i don't really care i don't really give a [ __ ] i didn't really think about it there's a lot of our fans that are like what are politics yeah i don't think they're coming here for politics you don't think so i don't think so you think when i was like me and harris are like i have no idea who that is i i didn't know who that was yeah overall no yeah i just uh yeah whatever i haven't been paying attention that much to it i also i've been watching way less news i used to be around i mean i still read articles but i i watch way less news i was on twitter a lot yesterday i don't even know why i'm on twitter i have nothing i don't even tweet i just read [ __ ] i opened my phone and twitter and you had tweeted like 16 things in a row oh i do because what i'll do is because because i don't have anything good to tweet i tweet like you close tweet i quote tweet people like people uh nutella i hadn't tried nutella before right i did a crazy mashup so you do this though yeah like i laugh hard as [ __ ] when these guys laugh yeah like i try to get stay out of the [ __ ] yeah because i don't want to be in [ __ ] i don't want to i don't like the negativity like i want to read eddie eddie uh eddie hwang i i don't know the right way to say it i don't know i'm i'm watching i think it's fighting no no i think it's wrong i don't know but he's friends with joe and i like him on joe's podcast and he did fresh off the boat but he hated it and he's got a new movie called boogie that's out now and i wanted to read the article because i've always liked it i've always liked his perspective it's always kind of similar to comics okay um someone wanted to photoshop my jay cutler's hair because we remember we were talking about getting hair transplants oh yeah so did they uh yeah and it doesn't look good why i i just don't look good before can you open that can you open that tweet cause it'll probably be underneath it jay cutler has the yeah that's very terrifying are there any more that's super scary john mayer's hair like i was going through a hair phase mm-hmm john mayer's hair who oh oh my god that's really me yeah i didn't know that was me that's gross you don't like that oh [ __ ] why it's so skinny now compared to that you know probably the exact same weight as i am there but i'm in so much better shape from all your workouts for all my power lifting i love when people okay let's not do my hair anymore why where they're [ __ ] my head up like my head doesn't look like that like they're taking i'm enjoying this keep just okay scroll oh these are all [ __ ] hair pictures i didn't see any of these yeah of course they did what you asked don't you think that's not that good that looks like it looks really good i wish i should retweet that and tell them to fix my teeth too the teeth look great there yeah scroll oh that's not so bad man i'm a good looking guy like on a scale of one to ten i'm like a solid seven do you think do you think kate beck can still think i'm attractive that's never occurred to me look at that guy that hair looks good that body looks good that body looks good that body looks good that body doesn't look bad let me rephrase that okay the fupa i could get rid of but it's not bad not bad not bad at all okay keep going and dobb let's see it okay that's a weak photoshop job right pretty bad who is that oh who's that they're saying it's your face i don't know who it is though but she's making a similar expression who is she she's beautiful yeah you're both beautiful you're seven she's up there too yeah we're both sevens my face looks slimming right there yeah like it looks i look skinnier right there this expression by the way i think i was skinnier there way skinnier than i am now i think i was like 130 235. what do you weigh now it's still 240. still yeah because i'm gaining so much muscle that as the weight shreds off i just gained the weight back with muscle i didn't need i need to eat today you haven't eaten yet i [ __ ] i've had a busy morning tommy i was doing research for the show i had a list of things i wanted to talk about we never even got through them i mean what's uh what's the a sponsored event you wanted to do so i've kind of kind of run with this two bear sports management thing i should tell you that i'm looking at more clients do you know that we um we we have a logo no yeah oh shut up yeah you know people have hit me up and said this is not your worst idea no it's not it's not this isn't a bad idea and so i was talking to nathan fletcher fletcher nathan florence my bad nathan florence and uh he's a pro surfer i had him on my podcast and he was saying you have it can you pull it up okay and he was saying yeah like don't show the don't show the audience that's great oh that's [ __ ] great oh yeah okay so here's what here's what nathan flores was saying he was talking about he was talking about he's in a big way of surfing a big wave surfing gets so much traction online right online when dudes charge big waves like like uh wherever [ __ ] yeah jaws or or or or mavericks those videos go viral very easily okay so i thought what if i said to him i said how do you like so how do you pay for those trips you go sponsors sometimes sometimes i pay for it i go you pay for it and he goes yeah you know i get done a whole season like all winter they stay in hawaii and then the end of winter they start traveling around the world to go do crazy trips and i said what's the i want my favorite wave is a place called spell it out t-e-a-p-u-h i think it's tahiti it's in tahiti okay and so i said yeah that's it that's it that's it do you see that wave yeah it's [ __ ] massive right yeah so what happens also is a lot of people don't surf it a lot of people just sit in boats like sit on boats on the side because in the channel and just watch people charge these waves sure and so i was like all right what's a trip like that cost and he's like ah like 10 grand i said for like a bunch of you guys he's like yeah i was like what if i do a two-bear sports management sponsored event right where we take a bunch of you guys and me i'm just going to kill beers and titi okay i'm going to sit in the boat and comment like watch these news charge waves shoot up i go to sponsored event so all the content we get to [ __ ] put on our show put on social media they can shoot their own content and put it on we're not going to [ __ ] right we're not going to restrict them from doing that yeah yeah yeah but but i go at times you're going to have to go charge the biggest wave they're like can you get your biggest wave you've got to come out and be like bird chrysler's going back on tour so it's time to go you know like yeah like like really get us some [ __ ] eyeballs and he's like i'm [ __ ] in if you're gonna fly us all to tahiti and put us up and then he starts going let's go big and i was like really and you're like yeah if you're gonna hit tahiti why not hit another place right sure and [ __ ] fiji or something oh and just [ __ ] try and then find some waves like where me and you can go smaller right smaller but we do like your brain is so yeah and and then all of a sudden you've got like these the greatest surfers out there right professional surfers who just are like yeah i want to go charge waves i want i want someone to pay for it and you're like i pay for it flying coach i mean i'm gonna fly first class definitely i'll bump him up five miles you know but i'm not gonna [ __ ] throw everyone in [ __ ] first class then the [ __ ] gets really pricey yeah yeah but we and we have and we shoot a ton of content do a live show around it where we chart like maybe like maybe like we go surfing with them or we do something fun they toe us into some [ __ ] waves but we do something epic yes and we do something crazy and it and i guarantee it it goes viral uh dude type in kai lenny kailani has been is like the guy i'm obsessed with also you're definitely not spelling that right but there you go there you go he go to his instagram go to his instagram look at he he goes hi i think he's good friend they're all good friends he's skiing right now sure but scroll down scroll down scroll down go to a big wave he's a big wave surfer oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah right there look at all these [ __ ] crazy thing these guys are doing and you want to you've really been in this wave kick for a while now i know so much about surfing without the ability to do it it's amazing it is amazing it's amazing that i am so interested in it are you going to do it yeah oh yeah oh first of all first of all i'm going to [ __ ] hawaii when i get a chance i'm going to hawaii i'm going to [ __ ] work out with these dudes and eat clean and i'm going to learn how to surf i'm going to get spit out of a barrel definitely i've already have nations promised me that yeah and then [ __ ] two bears sports management sponsored surf trip to tahiti why not i literally i thought wait who's the sponsorship coming from me and you oh we're paying for it i thought we were going to get a sponsor you mean we're the sponsor i haven't thought this totally through okay and maybe i should have run it by my business partner first okay but we can hey we still early we're still early it's still early we can definitely get a sponsor oh yeah we'll just get bear bottoms or something like someone who makes bathing suits because like this you know we could just or we could just write these guys a check be like have a good trip that's what i was thinking great i guess we probably could get sponsorship yeah probably we could build a deck and just kind of be like hey do you guys want to sponsor it your name will be everywhere yeah it's a good call why don't we do that i'm not the business guy in this [ __ ] hey man it's all good i'm not the i don't have like business like today i was like you're djing right i freestyle yeah we should have a summer jam we should definitely have a summer we should have a summertime we should have the biggest jam of the summer and like it's time to get it like we need to start writing we got to work on it now now we need beats stat like you got to come up with beats okay and then i'll i'll freestyle lyrics we'll put it together we'll mix it right yep drop it what do we drop it july 4th uh when do summer jams type in when summer jam i feel like it's got to come in june sometimes yeah okay we drop it in june yeah i got nothing but studio time in rehab yeah did you know that 66 of men start losing their hair by the age of 35. i was one of those guys and i have a illustrious beautiful head of hair why did i why do i have this hair well back then back in the day you had to go to a doctor you had to go to a pharmacy you had to wait in long awkward lines you don't have to do that anymore you can get in front of this problem right now if you're one of those 66 percent of men all you got to do is go to for hims.com hymns was created by a guy who knew that a lot of these conversations for us guys are much easier to have online so he created hims hymns is one stop shopping for basically male wellness skin care sexual wellness hair loss all for men he wanted us to write a new chapter in our lives and it starts with hair all you got to do is go to a medical go to for hims.com answer a few quick questions medical professional will review they're going to determine if it's right for you they can prescribe you all the mechanic medication to treat your hair loss that's shipped directly and discreetly to your door today hems is giving you their best offer yet if you're not happy with your results and after 90 days hymns will give you a full refund and right now our listeners can get their first visit absolutely for free go to for hymns.com bears that's for hims.com bears disclaimer prescription product requires an online consultation with a healthcare provider who will determine if a prescription is appropriate restrictions apply see website for full details and important safety information remember that's for hims.com pairs if you spend a lot of times outdoors you're going to find out pretty quickly that mother nature doesn't always play nice for me uh it's dust man if i go for an outdoor jog these days i don't know if because it hadn't rained but the dust gets up in the air and if i breathe in too much stuff my allergies kick in and if i get too many allergies i all the sudden get sick no one wants to get sick right now and so that's why i'm using face shields and the face shields they have at sa are next level they're beautiful breathable spf friendly i mean let me tell you what they say uh dozens of eye-catching designs for men and women they do i have the black uh camo and it looks [ __ ] dope throwing some sunglasses black camo black hat gangster the feet the shields are breathable they give you protection from everything outdoors the sun the wind the cold insects dust dirt moisture and one size fits all machine washable with a lifetime guarantee that is zero risk for you and what is so great about this i think this is still oh this is what's amazing you stay protected because right now you're gonna get this insane deal if you buy one of their face shields you get four for free [ __ ] that's 150 value for 24.99 just go to sa fishing dot com slash cave get five face shields for the price of one plus a lifetime warranty that gives you free returns if you're not satisfied that's safing dot com slash cave what when do you leave for rehab april 12th april 12th yeah okay that gives you time to give me my present no that's what i'm saying if your birthday's on 15th yeah but give it to me a few days around i kind of got to give it to you i was going to give it to you in texas in texas when do you get to texas may 10th i think 9th or 10th huh say it again may 9th or 10th god damn it okay i'll figure out i'll figure out a way to do it um i'll give it to you on your birthday kind of okay okay and then i guess i'll just i'll just have to present a video that you can watch here with one of your awesome co-hosts why do i you know you know i get sensitive about it right yeah but this but why do i get sensitive about it i don't know why why but you wouldn't be sensitive no but why do i get sensitive well let's talk how do i get rid of how do i get rid of this i don't like being sensitive okay let's talk about this when was the first time you noticed i get sensitive it's been years but listen listen what okay this is our show right and we stick to the like i think the the rule that you do not you are you put every effort in to not miss a week of your [ __ ] you don't want to right yeah we want to do that i feel like that for your mom's house for for two bears every week's gotta be a show you got to have a show for me yes i agree so because you are going where you're going and i'm also moving there's like a lot that oh so i i understand there's weeks you also can't do it yeah so like the and and since you'll be gone you can't sub in for me you don't understand yes so i have to do you have to be on every single one of them i have to do as many of these as possible no matter so you having a commitment for us to do a second one later means i go i i don't even have that much time okay then i will allow jennifer anderson to co-host with you okay okay if jenna ransom wants to go host you can co-host would you diarrhea all over yourself if you were in rehab and you pulled and they're like yeah you can watch a podcast and then it was the two bears with me and jenn hansen or you think you'd be like give me the drugs right now give me the alcohol again would it send you spiraling yeah what i have a really hard time with that i would i would yeah i would i might have to shut down rehab if you know what i mean yeah just come out come back guys i'm so sorry i'm pulling the plug on rehab i have uh i have more pressing matters at hand and it would just be to be like to come and be like where's shane anderson it'll be the longest 16 hour flight of my life just [ __ ] i've had bad 16 hours i've had bad long flights where you're like i just want to talk to somebody yeah why don't we do celebrity guests for you okay you should get dax shepard to come in here yeah i don't know if you do it i think it would okay let's think all right guys here's the deal name in in the comments or no in in social media tag celebrities who you'd love to see sit next to tom okay for two bears one cave i like it all right here's i'm gonna throw i'm gonna throw out some i'll tell you who i would like brad pitt number one he would be great he would be [ __ ] great i think we can get him okay okay um ben affleck you know he'd be great right yeah use the hashtag guest bears guest bears of celebs celebs yeah that we can get that you want to permanently replace no no no what i'm looking for is people with very busy schedules who cannot commit to a show that shoots weekly it's okay okay okay so i want celebs okay who's uh who's some big big names you think we could get big names ryan reynolds are you gonna be permanent who matthew mcconaughey he lives in austin by the way i'd be very comfortable i'd be very comfortable with a with a uh not i wouldn't permanent's not the word we're going to use but like like a open chair for him when he wants to come over and i can't make it yeah yeah yeah matthew mcconaughey would be a good one brogan's a good one he's a good one yes i know he can't do this all the time so that's a good one but very comfortable with that okay and i know matt i know matt you you'd sabotage matthew mcconaughey you'd end up sabotaging it because he's got such great hair you'd be like let's uh let's all let's all just put on hats right matt and he'd be like i don't know why i gotta put on a hat i got all this yeah he is gorgeous good looking man what's he's a he's a good looking man ripped he's a you think he'll meet him yes do you hold on yeah you think you'll really meet him yeah okay then let's really quickly lay some ground rules about you meeting these celebrities okay because you need to you need to pave away from me i don't want you to do this i don't want you to do this okay this is what i don't want to be i'll be you you'll be celebrity okay okay okay you'll be matthew mcconaughey okay all right i'll be tom hey man it's pretty cool you got your whole when we were shooting that thing where i had aids we didn't even have these lights yeah yeah this is you yeah okay yeah yeah yeah and then somehow your magic works and you become friends with them without saying anything i'm doing a [ __ ] soft shoe over here and all of a sudden they're like i'm really interested in tommy he seems mysterious who's the fool dancing next to him with his shirt off so wait so wait what am i supposed to do no this is what i don't want you to do i'm showing you what i don't want you to do so don't go yeah no no no i know that's what you're gonna do i can't stop that okay i don't want you to do this okay okay so bring up okay let's bring up bert and this is what i don't want to okay and then don't you usually do this with one of your friends yeah this is this guy bert he's a big [ __ ] lunatic big drinker he's in rehab right now anyway let's not talk about him that's what i don't want you to do okay this is what i want you to do okay you seen my lincoln commercials man yeah yeah yeah i saw them that's cool what do you drive i don't know we get to bert get the bird uh where's the where's the other guy the hell the heavy fella oh just stop okay hold on that dude he's not gonna say that where's that guy that lives at 240 where's he at i haven't seen him okay i'll play along with this game okay but i'm going to show you what i want you to say okay okay he's actually not that big matthew he's pretty ripped you know what you would love bert i need you to do this okay you would love bert he is [ __ ] hilarious he's my best friend and you will never get take his plate that's a really cool way to talk to somebody i'm like at a first meeting [Laughter] and i don't [ __ ] love you you'll never be better than if they need to say that you're nothing like i know that you really want me to do this that's the best part that's the best part oh [ __ ] okay when you start meeting these austin celebrities sandra bullock matthew mcconaughey elon musk dave chappelle all these austin celebrities with joe you're going to meet them with joe joe is going to pump you the [ __ ] up he's going to be like oh you got to meet my buddy tommy power lifts deadlifts [ __ ] drives fast cars you can dunk nine foot [ __ ] greatest guy [ __ ] hilarious comedian hilarious comedian dust theaters big theaters sells tickets you're gonna love him and then i need you to jump in and go he's nothing i'm nothing like burns i need you to i need you to be my [ __ ] hype man okay because i'm not going to be there to show them how awesome i am okay i will i need you to like really sell me to these celebrities i'll be like listen my buddy he's about to get out of rehab he's got his [ __ ] together finally don't even do the rehab joke don't do it don't do the rehab joke they might believe you like there's people who believe us right now of course they do you've been talking about the whole show i've been wanting to go to rehab my whole [ __ ] life do you want to say whether or not you're going i kind of want to leave it out there well bert everyone thinks you're going to rehab for real you really think they think i'm going to rehab a lot of people do yeah well we've been talking about it if i hop off social media for three months uh-huh just realize it's 90 days do you think people really think i'm going to rehab what do you guys think uh yeah i think it's i think it sounds believable yeah well let me just tell you this i will never start quitting i'm not going to rehab you [ __ ] fools okay by the way you had to watch an hour and 11 minutes to find that out there are a million people who watch the first 30 minutes and they're like oh my god of course but but it's not crazy that they would believe it because you said i'm going to rehab i'm never going to rehab i'll never go to rehab in a million years where are you going i'm not going i can't tell you okay but you are leaving i am yeah i can't tell you i have a secret mission is it government government based i've been wanting to talk to you guys about this i work for assad i've been trying to lure nadav and is assad your thing do you mean mossad my bad assad is um a dictator in syria who's not murdering people it's for real yeah not that guy not that guy he's not a big fan of the guys in the booth if you know what i mean wait you have a thing called mossad and there's a guy named assad who hates you guys mossad came first well it was like say that again say that again he said came first i mean that's like you're talking about israeli special forces is that what you're talking about yeah yeah yeah what's the israeli special forces mussod right with an m okay assad can you pull up assad it's a guy that dude right there he doesn't look like what i thought he would look like yeah he looks like a real sweet pea to you so what is he um he's a syrian yeah yeah is he really yes yes and he is he's not [ __ ] around really no god damn it why he's he runs a regime yeah i mean you know syria's been in some [ __ ] for a while man yeah syria is not a place you want a vacation look at that look right there trying to grow you think that guy do you think anyone told him it didn't look good on him anyone's like i don't know man i'd shave it he was like what did you say do you think he plays games this guy show me his wife by the way i wonder if this guy could get his hands on it hey looking woman she is so wait what is she is she what is she what are they why do they hate jews i mean that's not the are they they look catholic what's type in uh assad's religion i'm gonna take a wild guess oh okay she's islamic well don't i mean they're syrian i i that means nothing to me okay um and then go ahead and spell mussad for bert yeah type in moussa that's what i am mossad okay it's one of it's one of i'm part of israeli intelligence community along with amman and shin bet i'm responsible for the intelligence collection covert operations counterterrorism yeah all for israel you are yeah and so i'll be gone i don't know i'm sure everyone's going to know what the [ __ ] i'm doing let him just figure it out i don't want to be the one i don't think i can talk about it so i think i don't think i can even do this that's strange i i don't know i don't know what the [ __ ] rules are it's strange that uh you'll see cohen didn't give you permission to talk about your mission [Laughter] listen i get about a billion shekels a year oh my god wait they really use shekels in israel yes for real i've heard the term shekels so much in hollywood i didn't know that was that's israeli currency yep yeah i had so many managers go yeah kick him a few shekels you know yeah yeah are you serious i didn't know i thought shackles was like a old old old like that's what the the [ __ ] merchant of venice used oh right yeah did the merchant of venice use shekels he was jewish he was jewish was it was it did they use shekels in in uh in that movie which movie and the play the book whatever what the [ __ ] i think i'm getting i wonder if i have cte from what oh a lot of my concussions [ __ ] that's what i'm thinking of [ __ ] was the merchant of venice okay he was a jewish money lender okay there you go i never would have thought you would reference the merchant of venice i dude can i tell you you want to talk about things not aging well yeah we did we read we read the merchant of venice in high school we had one jewish kid in our high school and our teacher would be like uh and then [ __ ] and he'd look at the jewish and he'd be like oh he'd be like he's looks a lot like this guy our teacher would say that and we were like and then we then we'd chase him around and take a pound of his flesh no i actually knew that kid a long time did you yeah yeah follow him on instagram sharla is the first portrayal of jewish propaganda for real yeah i bet it was i bet it was you so he's kind of like he's kind of like uh he's kind of like um a poo oh right from the simpsons yeah let's see that's him right there even it looks like it doesn't look jewish at all it looks a talent wait it was the first portrayal of that's al pacino of a money-grubbing dream yeah he played [ __ ] in the movie al pacino that's [ __ ] appropriation we're thinking of al pacino play [ __ ] is the movie good uh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah he goes what if you like shakespeare he likes shakespeare [ __ ] says i get a pound of your flesh no more no less that's [ __ ] bizarre the things i do remember and i don't remember you know mm-hmm like i like some people bring stuff up and then i'll just throw in a little stat yeah hitler's dad was a beekeeper and they're like what hitler's absolutely and they're like i i have nothing to do with hating jews i'm like i'm just saying your beekeeper hitler's dad was a beekeeper yeah that's probably probably a weird one to hear if you're like i like bees like hitler's dad hitler's dad was a beekeeper and they're like okay okay i don't i i by the way i didn't say anything bad right no but then you're like oh you know he's austrian and he liked the paint wasn't very good at it but anyway some of these bees i bet hitler's dad would have a thing or two to say yeah i wouldn't mind being a beekeeper my daughters would never let me i'd love what's grosser to you flicking boogers or in the car or eating them i think flicking boogers were you gonna say eating them you weren't gonna say eating them no it was okay what were you gonna say flicking them in a car or or your spouse or anyone that lives or sleeps with you flossing their teeth in bed and then leaving the floss on the floor next to the bed which is grosser i'm i'm i'm not really phased by either i know considering i floss and leave flossers everywhere i'll leave flossers because you need to find them again in a jam you need flossers i can't believe you guys are being serious but flossers should be everywhere around your house used ones used yes flossers are recyclable you can use flossers twice i have one i have one on my treadmill that i just use all the time i'm gonna [ __ ] throw up right here i have a few by my computer where i do podcasts on zoom i have a bunch watch this this is how it when you se when i call leanne and i go where do i keep i first of all i keep my flossers everywhere i have my backpacks up in my cars i have my all my things but i have flossers [ __ ] everywhere what are you doing calling me oh this i have fosters around so much that our friends when they see flossers that people have dropped they go bert must have been here i really believe in hey how many flossers do you think i have floating around the house how often do i use flossers probably five times a day yeah and and do i reuse flossers no oh no i definitely do throw them on the ground yeah and then i'll you reuse them okay i love you i'm coming i'll be i'll be there in a little bit okay bye yeah flossers i love flossers man i and i keep them in the bed flossers are like uh are like um reading glasses you should have them everywhere i'm going to [ __ ] puke all right and boogers now you're telling me i'm talking like a dry oh like just like a little like thing here oh yeah yeah yeah flick it but it's not bad at all but you also sometimes you sometimes if they're i have friends that eat them i need a second but it looks making my eyes water man what if i get canceled for eating boogers i mean you could i mean do you want me to tell the cool celebrities i made about that part no no no no no no oh there's a lot of secrets we got to keep with these libraries okay okay we want to what we want to do is have mythical propaganda right yeah but you want me to like meet them be like oh man bird is the [ __ ] oh you're gonna [ __ ] love this guy yeah did i tell you what he got me for my birthday slam that on them they'll be like whoa shut the [ __ ] up yeah yeah and you'll be like yeah just a cool dude man just a cool so funny you're gonna love him he loves running you love running right you'll be like i love running yeah you like getting naked and hitting bongos and getting high guess what bert likes the same thing weird as [ __ ] do yep i'm telling you and then sandra bullock you're gonna be like you gotta don't hard tell me i don't wanna fall in love with me don't hard sell me just soft sell me sandy wait till you meet bert you guys know that uh you guys use the same bus company that's probably a bad one but take your time with it you're good you're good at making celebrity friends you've always been good at making celebrity friends okay it's probably your strong suit okay just remember i'm bad at it so i need you to kind of bring me with you okay what i need you to do is when you do your when your cape floats behind you realize i'm in the back pocket yeah and then i'm gonna come around and i just need you to set up the scene for me so that when i show up to austin that first time right yeah yeah everyone's like oh this is the guy this is the guy here he's here you got it you got it all right that's it thank you guys for listening and watching and uh we'll see you next week [Music] tom tells stories inverts the machine there's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean here's what we call two bears one cave no scripts a bitter booze amateur protology dirty jokes raunchy humor no apologies here's what we call two bears one cave you

Channel: YourMomsHousePodcast

Views: 917,813

Rating: 4.7622976 out of 5

Keywords: ymh, your mom's house, your moms house, tom segura, christina pazsitzky, christina p, mommies, jeans, up, high and tight, what's with the jeans, denim on denim, podcast

Id: _ohfmL0_K5M

Length: 92min 32sec (5552 seconds)

Published: Mon Apr 12 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/bigfootgary]

Bert's upcoming "rehab" is actually this

[u/Mountain-Papaya-492]

I really hope Tom gets Jen Anniston to co host. That Bert reaction will be great.

[u/n0ah_1ggtt]

Tom confirming Bert's mispronunciation of "Quotient" as the podcast just rolls on

[u/PrestigeWorldwide-LP]

If they’re not going to tell the story, they really shouldn’t bring it up. I hate the “this is hilarious, but I’ll tell you off camera” moments

[u/DPRODman11]

Can we please stop with the million “this is hilarious, but I will tell you off camera” moments? There’s nothing more enjoyable, from the fans perspective, to keep hearing about awesome stories or bits that we aren’t allowed to actually hear.

[u/ClingerOn]

Mudwater sounds like someone listened to this crew's podcasts and thought "What's some shit I can sell to these idiots? I know, mushroom juice".

[u/PrestigeWorldwide-LP]

Tom trying so hard to talk about Bobby and bad friends, but somehow Bruce always takes that to make a story about himself hahaha

[u/Kicklikeasleeptwitch]

Bit or not, Bert getting insecure and jealous over a celebrity guest host replacing him as Tom's best friend was FUCKING HILARIOUS.

[u/TroutDaddy]

"I work for Assad."