Ep. 93 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

dane's brother was in it was taking care of his money and was not happy with it right or is it a safe place and that's the question i have is i would love to be in a safe conservatorship where someone you know i don't even know what a conservative ship is really like you can still drink right 100 this episode of two bears one cave is brought to you by bud light seltzer bud light seltzer launches limited edition retro summer tie-dye variety pack you guys know we didn't have a summer last year and how much that sucked our whole world was taken from us and now it's back and bud light seltzer has these new crate amazing flavors cherry limeade blue raspberry summer ice not only are these incredible these are cold we should create ice cream we should someone didn't know not only are these amazing flavors i didn't know that they would ever do something like this but they also went ahead and created ice pops let me paint your summer for you you're in the pool it's 98 degrees you're living in florida your wife says honey what can i get you and you say on the slide grab me one of those ice pops on the left side of the freezer she goes you want a nice pop you're like yeah the one that says bud light on it yeah comes out and goes i got one for myself and then she's sucking on it you're sucking on it you're in the pool everyone's sucking on stuff next thing you know everything gets exactly why you drink and it's only 100 calories for the these do it both are available only for a limited time this summer so hurry you can get them delivered right to your door by going to budlight.com delivery or pick it up at your local neighborhood grocery convenience or liquor store this podcast and my next three months are brought to you by noob i will be leaning hard on noom because i will be in a cast and i want to lose weight and a lot of what nume does is changes the way you think about food change the way you think about eating food it's all about cognitive stuff with new i've used nume a lot in the past mostly just to track calories but what they do is absolutely a game changer and i'm not going to be able to work out i think for at least a month i'm telling you i will be leaning on noob noom noom's cognitive behavioral approach helps you unlearn bad habits and better understand your relationship with food my relationship with food is pretty aggressive one size does not fit all choose your goals and nume will personalize a weight loss program for you eighty percent of nooms users finish the program and over sixty percent have stuck with their goals for at least a year dude if you can keep it off for a year you can keep it off forever that's what they say with noom taking care of your health is empowering instead of stress inducing thank god so i'm a stress induced [ __ ] no need to fear ruining the whole pregnant program with one day off like tom did when he had ice cream this morning noon will help you get back on track you did have ice cream mcdonald's not in the morning it was yesterday okay all you need is a daily 10-minute check-in no grueling early morning or huge chunks out of your day start building better habits for healthier long-term results sign up for your trial at noom.com bears that's n-o-o-m.com bears this episode of two bears one cave is brought to you by saatva we're huge huge fans of saatva make incredible quality environmentally friendly mattresses with award-winning customer support head on over to saatva saatva.com the [ __ ] and get 200 off any mattress of your choice we've had them all in my home we've had the luxury firm mattress we've had the memory foam lumen leaf mattress we've had the solaire that moves up and down and vibrates my kid even sleeps on a kid mattress they're fantastic incredible product and like i said incredible customer support don't spend huge obnoxious amounts of money on a mattress get a mattress from saatva where they don't have a store they don't pay a middleman they don't pay commission to sales people there's no overhead and they pass those savings on to you so head on over right now to saatva saatva.com the [ __ ] and get 200 off any mattress of your choice i'm thinking about ethnic cleansing no just that surgery wasn't that bad well that wasn't that bad huh yeah that surgery was like super good [Laughter] you can't see the scar at all okay no no i can feel it when i do that i feel like i feel it tighten up yeah i haven't gotten my surgery yet guys we we whatever i don't [ __ ] off yeah if you can't figure out why this is you've already seen pictures of me banking episodes yeah it's called banking episodes because someone's going to macon georgia to sweat his testicles off yeah how long will you be there one month god damn it i know i know i know and then when you go from there to the road yeah no i have a month off i have a legit month off legit money yeah and i'm and you're coming to see me i know and i i kind of want to bring isla bring her i want to bring alex i think she would i went because i she i told her i said you know i got tama a sea doo she goes dad you know i can ghost ride those right and i go i don't think you know what ghost riding is isla can you walk on water like how the [ __ ] you ghost riding a cereal she goes what's it called when you swing it out and i go i i don't know she goes tokyo drift i tokyo drift those and i go yeah i'm sure that's what tom wants you doing i i told you about the time she almost killed me on a seat on a waverunner right you can get worse hurt than this on a sea dude way you can get so [ __ ] up and you know what can i tell you i used to try to write a joke about that the the definitive definition of white privilege is a [ __ ] wave runner like a like one of those city really yeah because you you don't really need any talent you just hop on and think you're killing it yeah you do like you just hop on you're like i'm [ __ ] great at this that's what it's like being white you just hop on you're like going you're like hey i got a job at the bank how did i get this is easy my dad got me the job real real that is actually a really good announcement meanwhile people of color are on the old school jet skis where you got to try to whoa people of color on kayaks they're like come on man dude no it's yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah they're [ __ ] [ __ ] they're swimming with bruce has an engine this sucks and it's just watching a white guy in the center do circles hi i'm a lawyer my dad was grandfathered me in make yours do this yeah i used to try it's easier to write jokes when i have someone to write maybe i'll run all my jokes that i wrote in serbia by you and then you can punch them up all right so many [ __ ] jokes that are like that are like can i tell you the funniest thing that happened to me in serbia what not to keep hashing over this but uh at one point they started cutting my hair weird like they were cutting it and combing it to the side and i was like i was like and they were trimming my beard odd there you'll see there's a there's a week period in this movie where you can see my beard stream dot and my hair is combed and i said to my hair stylist i said uh i said hey uh why that my hair looks kind of odd and she goes yeah and i go it's funny and they're doing my stunt doubles hair next to me i go my hair looks like kazumi's she goes yeah he's your stunt double and i go so you make my hair look like his and she goes yeah he's your stunt double and i went shouldn't his hair look like mine and she goes well it's easier to make your hair like this i go but he's not in the [ __ ] movie she goes oh yeah good point and then just does my hair normally go what the [ __ ] are we doing here and then i was like are we trimming my beard she goes i've been trimming your beard a little short here we'll grow it out so you know how fat guys grow it here yeah yeah yeah yeah and then she starts growing out she's like oh it looks like you have a chin like like a fake chin and i was like yeah it's yeah that's how you say it thanks jonah genre by the way uh was the best just the best thing in the world trimmed all my ghosts you know those hairs that stick out yeah just went through a scissors and clipped them off oh that's the best so you have a flat beard oh that's nice so there will be a there will be scenes in this movie where i'll be like the hair is weird there will be scenes in this movie where he'll go like that you'll be like hey he looks odd like like i'll just point him out by the way i should do i should do a we should do a live podcast of the movie where i can tell you things definitely and until you go okay that's the day i had 12 cheeseburgers yeah could there's i mean the behind the scenes of this is fascinating because i was completely out of control at times like i found out that mcdonald's there and i went [ __ ] ham me and isla watched the founder last night have you seen the founder yes and so i told eyelet alex what is this the found founder and i go it's good you like it she's like really cause isla loves loves mcdonald's loves mcdonald's so we start watching it you know she's like is it about milkshakes because he saw him milking things i go yeah it's a it's a movie about milkshakes isla she was what's it about they go just listen so then if i if i didn't know isla and i just listened to you tell stories about isla i would think that she lived outside and and like would just bring in roadkill for you to [ __ ] she's a wolf she said i swatched her sniff something the other day she sniffed it and her nose went like this and i went what are you doing she goes that's how you sniff you gotta move your nose around it catches all the smells i went no that's not how that works and she goes try it and then i'm like yeah kind of yeah so so we start watching the founder and she's and she's literally petting the dog she named after the big mac she's petting mac going mac all the sudden she goes oh there's about mcdonald's i go yeah she goes max this is about your daddy and she's like yeah and then she realizes ray kroc wasn't the best guy in the world there's kind of a little bit of a [ __ ] and he [ __ ] stole the idea and then and then she goes ah i [ __ ] hate mcdonald's and i was like oh i just ruined mcdonald's for her no she can't she's like i'm never going to mcdonald's again mcdonald's is the [ __ ] mcdonald's is so good and it's consistent yeah you go to mcdonald's in serbia you order 100 cheeseburgers it's the same thing you get here by the way you want to talk about american glutton they they couldn't get the idea wrapped around their head tom they couldn't get the idea wrapped around their head when i said i need a hundred cheeseburgers the pa was like i don't i don't think you said the right thing i said nope in america they just go 100 yeah yeah uh 10 and they go no 100 cheeseburgers and they go i'll tell you what we'll be there all day waiting for cheeseburgers give me 40 cheeseburgers 10 big macs 10 just and just make it rain yeah and they just were like huh i mean it was like it was like it was like mind blowing that someone would eat like that how many did you have i had by the way this is the day mark and i legit bonded legit bonded you guys bonded on that day i would think that was the beginning of the day he was like i don't i can't talk to this guy anymore mark's mark's sitting in the car and i i ordered like i think i ordered like 10 big macs uh 40 cheeseburgers uh a hundred nuggets um a bunch of double cheeseburger i was like what i ordered everything and so i just bring a big mac obviously i brought one two in for me we're doing the scene in the car and i just sent him mark goes oh you have a big mac and i go i brought it for you and he goes you got me a big mac and i was like yeah and he was like i love big macs because i haven't had a big mac in forever and he's like you can't tell mary lou as his wife and i was like don't tell leanne and he was like ah and then we just murdered big macs in the back of a car and then every time i get mcdonald's i go mark you know it you know it he eats really clean but man he will [ __ ] up a big mac so wait how many did you end up eating that day from the mcdonald's ten cheeseburgers and two big macs i was out of control i was out of control and you can see it on my face you'll see it on my face you'll see i'll tell you the scene and you'll see it i'd be curious to see you guess the scene and you'll be like this one no this one no this one no they all look like it but yeah and then no fries uh no they're not good for you by the way i love oat milk oh yeah i really love oat milk what were we talking about at the beginning i feel like we were on a good path and then we yeah i forget hey i want to know about i want to know about uh so one of the things that was really like like making me like homesick was when i got to see you guys do the coolest [ __ ] in the world like [ __ ] vegas with chappelle dude that was the best okay start at the beginning and let me know every time my name came that was the best i um so joe had called me um a couple months ago and he goes hey i'm doing vegas uh with chappelle at the mgm this is a conor mcgregor fight conor mcgregor fight too when you and donald trump got to hang out exactly you were sitting how close to donald trump i'll i'll get it okay hang on okay because we got issa ray first i'll tell you this first i'll tell you this the weekend before was my was my first time back in vegas since the pandemic it was july i think second and third you foreign oh yeah everyone was there and everyone sold out everything sold out so my shows were sold out in advance my october and january shows are sold out at the mirage like the like people once they announce shows are back it's like demand i still have through the few tickets left for uh red rocks september 8th red rocks september that's outside denver and that's a 9 000 seat amphitheater and we've got about a thousand tickets left yeah they're going it's going to clean up it's going to clean up but go ahead and get your tickets and get your tickets now okay i mean we got we got a thousand tickets left but clean it up let's clean it up let's clean it up guys so i get there and you can feel the energy is like in in the city you know sometimes you're just someone you like you can just feel it so i'm at the mirage uh burr is at uh park uh whatever it's called parks i forget the name of the whatever meridian no park i forget the word park is in the um is the casino name there so uh right what's what is the park mgm see oh wow so now here and here's my question park mgm is i'm immediately guessing koreans bought it i have i have no idea educated guess that's an educated borderline racist guest park's a big korean name right yeah it's a well it's asian food hold on hold on wait is that kimchi exactly do i see kimchi on the front [ __ ] page is that a nation is that korean lady dude well we do know something about the vegas jamie foxx they love jamie foxx we do know this about vegas all casino designs aesthetic choices everything caters to the asian community all of them yeah like that i don't mean like generals i mean specifically they go they are our biggest uh uh customers and anything that would disrupt or offend the asian community las vegas casinos are like [ __ ] that like we just do it's and you can go to most uh casinos the nice ones all have like a legit asian restaurant in there at least some asian cuisine colors number everything to cater to the asian community anyway i'm there that weekend it's my first weekend back it's everyone's first weekend back burr is down the street at the park he's sold out chappelle is at the arena on his own two nights sold out bruno mars is down the street he's sold out the cirque shows are sold out a couple other big acts also everything's sold out right and you you feel it in this you're walking through this and you're like holy [ __ ] it's a lot and like the staff some of them it's like their first one of my my like the person who takes care of the talent there it's her first she's like i just got back yesterday yeah everyone's had a year off yeah so i'm doing the the the mirage and the shows are but like you walk out it's bananas bananas and they're so fun it feels so fun to be back and i have i have a great two nights there like i said friends come out to the show it's a great time and then i go from there i think i go here yeah i come to l.a do more podcasts then i fly to texas and then i fly with joe and his family to vegas and this whole family went yeah oh that's cool they all went and then that's a that's a that's a market difference from when he first started doing mma fights oh it was him eddie bravo joey diaz all right crazy i know it's crazy so the whole fam's there and what's joe dad like as a as like a girl dad is he like a legit girl dad yeah you know he the what i've noticed is that he talks to them normal dude that makes me so happy i i feel like i've always talked to my kids yeah as if they're adults yeah he talks to them very and then they go oh [ __ ] yeah like one of his kids is really funny and then like she'll say funny [ __ ] and then she'll repeat it a bunch and he'll be like it's not funny anymore because you keep [ __ ] saying it you know like [ __ ] like that like which is i love i think i'm like that's exactly what i would say to one of my boys but anyway um we're hanging out we get there and it's the first night at the at the arena at the mgm grand arena where which is such a famous of all you know of arenas in vegas like that's the one concerts fights if you're a fight fan you know that's tyson holyfield that's all these like legendary fights yeah and we're just walking obviously in the tunnel and and um donnell's on stage so so the show's already started and you're showing up no i i get there like just before and they're like show's gonna and i'm like when does this [ __ ] start you know are you nervous because it's so big yeah about 14 000 plus i'm more nervous not not just the like the size of it i'm like i wonder how i'll be received because i've done shows as like a special guest yeah and where people like one time i did the gramercy in new york which is a 500-seat venue with dave and chris rock and they were like tonight's special guest and you can see people are like how did you get on that they love me so they wait for real how did you get on that bill because i know if they're doing 500 seats this must have been 15 years ago no no this was a this was like 2016 17. what were they doing a 500 seater for because they like dave likes doing those too you know he he actually from what i've gathered he actually prefers small venues but you know the business is there for him for the big venues yeah so and i did the shoreline with dave which is 22 000 seats we did um and that was with like a bigger lineup but anyways on that gramercy show and they go special guest you can tell the audience is like is it jon stewart you know yeah and then i was like they were like tom sagar and you hear like like that kind of [ __ ] and i was like i was like if it's that for 14 000 it's going to be like oh man so that was my only thought i was like all right so i uh they call me when when he introduces me it it's like i'm you know i wouldn't it's like pandemonium yeah like a full minute of applause screaming crazy and i was like oh my god and i have a crazy set like a great set then then i'm done uh joe and then dave and then tulip quality closes out the show and then the next day they switched it up right and the next day i'm more comfortable because like how funny it is he's got a great hour he just did an hour so guys just got it i've never even heard of him doing this i know he does a podcast with joe or dave uh yeah no he just did a uh a music set oh he just oh yeah oh okay oh oh that makes more sense yeah my god i can't yeah that makes a lot more so what we did the next day by the way it's not far off for most def doing the [ __ ] most def used to do stand up yeah okay so like most def yeah like if you said it was most deaf i would know he did stand up well maybe he i don't even think he sings anymore well he doesn't i don't know he sings but uh wraps mr um yasin bae yeah ah [ __ ] um i just dead named him [Music] so the next day the next day went like this the next day was was tron dj trauma and talib opened the show would you go up to him and be like hey i felt playing basketball i've had my drawing share fair share of drama and he's like are these the jokes you wrote in service yeah yeah do you want to run through them real quick yeah so dj drama and you were like uh no so when talib opened the show that was the way to go place goes crazy then don dude i get a crazier reception the second night because now i'm ready so you did you did two we did we did back-to-back nights oh wow and then joe joe annihilated then dave and then uh yeah then this and then yeah dave i think dave is like an event so like there's just you know select like celebrities and then there's an after party and the after party you know action bronson he looks great he looks great uh urkel was there jaleel white yeah he was there machine gun kelly and megan fox they came to the show and then they're at the after party then kelly looks 20 years young it looks like he's getting younger he looks like a teenager yeah last time i saw him i thought he was like [ __ ] 40 and now he looks like he's 22. i'm gonna take whatever the [ __ ] he's taking i guarantee he's on pep talk he looks super young at this thing look at him um he's by the way he's one of the best live shows i've ever seen really 100 i perform with him live um at uh at um roverfest and i've never been blown away by a guy who put out more on stage i mean he [ __ ] he i've never seen someone [ __ ] lay it down the way this guy did [ __ ] 100 of worth the ticket price that guy we're at this uh after party and drake is at the after party which i was like huge drake fan of course you are uh my favorite song these things is the one let's take it off whatever i don't know by the way i was talking to jimmy tatro and he goes the fact that you don't know who drake is is kind of sad it's a little bit like if it's kind of nice it's like not knowing about the coronavirus and living in a [ __ ] hut on top of a mouse i think it'd be like saying somebody being like you know i saw this uh lebron james highlight and someone going who's that and you're like how do you not would be nice to not know about that [ __ ] though wouldn't it really yeah like it like i mean but you'll love this one i don't know if i tell you this one so shows are crazy and i mean it like i'll i could play you audio of the shows where you'll be like oh my god that sounds crazy it's that many people and they're all going nuts and it's like it's part of it's just like the energy of like shows are back you know yeah everybody had great sets shows are crazy so i'm at the the next day i'm at the conner dustin poirier fight and it's a scene everybody that was at the shows and at the after parties now at the fights like oh so that's oh so so ev so your first night's fun but the second night after party is all the people that are now going to the ufc fight with conor mcgregor who also were at the show yeah wow so i'm walking one time so i get to sit behind joe like so there's the cage there's joe and cormier and and then i'm sitting behind him like it's the best it's the best seats in the [ __ ] yeah arena and i gotta go pee right so i get up and it's it's mayhem i can tell there was rumors about trump coming but i could tell he was coming by one of my p breaks because when i got into the tunnel i tried to make a right and somebody's like where are you going i was like over here and he looked at my badge and he's like you can't go over there with that i was like really because i've been back there before and he was like no no no you gotta go that way i was like all right and then i go p and i come out and i see uh uh a bomb sniffing dog like you know with like a a cop while i was like this ain't for a fighter you know so and then and then i turn up my head this way and i see a hundred las vegas metro police officers right and i was like oh [ __ ] like this is def i come back and i go trump's coming oh you there were rumors yeah there were rumors days before but i was like when i saw that i was like that's not normal yeah then i i'm coming back and i feel a tap on my leg and i turn and it's justin bieber i swear to god he goes i'm a big fan okay this is a [ __ ] generation story this is a generation i swear to god wow you really [ __ ] yourself with the generator this i swear to god listen i swear okay i swear on my boys okay okay where's the picture of you and biebs keep going let me okay all right tell me about this fantasy you were so they put you on anesthesia and you meet justin bieber okay i swear you're captioning like hey man i'm a big fan he goes i'm a big fan and he and he extends his hand and i go oh thanks man and then i ask him i go how was your show because the day before i'm riding the elevator in my hotel and this guy goes top sagura oh yeah he goes i'm a huge fan i go yeah he goes yeah i go you come in the show he goes yeah i go all right man we better get over there he goes for the biebs and i go hey [ __ ] you think i'm going to i'm going to my show and he was like oh no i'm going to be i was like you're not a big fan so yeah you're not a big fan yeah so i knew he had a show yeah he was so thankful that i asked him how his show went like 30 seconds did he follow you on twitter on instagram i don't know he should so okay so so you and justin bieber and donald trump are in a no no no the beaver story is 100 for real i swear on my children okay i swear on my children get him on the horn i can't get him on the horn does biebs follow biebs doesn't follow any of anyone we know all right that doesn't mean that this didn't happen okay okay so so keep going so so wait so tell me about donald trump so they walk him in only has 185 million followers wow do you realize what he could do to your tour dates if he was like make sure to go see this guy live by the way you realize how many people be walking out of your shows a lot they're like justin bieber sent us i can't wait to see what kind of flushing friend what the [ __ ] my mom's 69 [Laughter] god it would ruin them ruin them they would but how much fun would your fans enjoy watching bieber's fans watching i have to say it's a very nice celebrity interaction oh yeah like for i you know i don't tap people's shoulder a lot the fact that he did was very nice do you realize there is not a celebrity alive that i wouldn't tap and go hey man big fan oh i know oh you know who i did it too though i did it to somebody who i didn't know because i thought it was funny who if you go to my instagram issa rae addison ray addison ray who's issa rae that's an actress addison ray who is addison ray she got in trouble for like a tick tock dance with someone in the background or something uh did i did i tell you the addison ray story though i don't know who addison ray is if you scroll down you see me with having a a picture with her uh right there right so here's the story with this this is at the weigh-ins this is when i believed you got hair transplants so funny he hit me up from serbia i go you got hair i was was sitting with jimmy tatro and i go he goes man tom's a big hat guy and i went oh my god he got hair transplants and he went what he go we got offers to get hair transplants and and tom took him up on it he would they put him underneath his hair transplants at the same time i go cause he's a double up [ __ ] god damn it and then you you're like don't tell anyone i told everybody i told everybody i was like [ __ ] him he got hair without me something you're the worst secret guy in the world this episode of two bears one cave is brought to you by expressvpn you know what's not fair the fact that netflix hides thousands of titles shows and movies based on your location you don't even know what's available the top trend 10 10 10 trending in serbia were totally different worse than the ones and that's when this this let me tell you something you could actually use expressvpn right now and make netflix think you're still in serbia and watch all the shows third and fifth seasons that you didn't finish while you were there and you could sign into japanese netflix and france's next one's for doctor who for all of them it's amazing i've used expressvpn not just to do that but to also watch things that i'm not supposed to watch so right [Laughter] be smart stop paying full price for streaming services and only getting access to a fraction of their content get your money's worth at expressvpn.com cave don't forget to use our link so you can get three extra months free that's e-x-p-r-e-s-s-v-p-n dot com slash cave expressvpn.com cave to learn more this podcast is brought to you by woop i did a pitch for woop when i had to explain to the serbian uh costumers what they go what's that on your wrist and i go to whoop and they go what does it do and i had to explain it helps you live a healthier life it tracks it gives you insights on your sleep your your workout your recovery and they were like recovery and i was like yeah yeah yeah and they go do you take it office i never take it off and they go we need you to take it off for the movie i was like that doesn't happen and they were like what do you mean i go how will i know how my body's recovering throughout the day i mean i need my hrv right yeah it's incredible it's like it's like an insight into your body that you would never know without wearing one and you can get all of this great insight for less than 30 a month i tried to explain it to all of them none of them got it i'm telling you i don't i don't do anything without my whoop i absolutely love it and they've been a friend of ours since october like three years ago yeah all our listeners if you've ever been thinking about giving a whoop a chance now's your time there's no better time than today our listeners can save 15 off a whoop with the code bears go to woop.com that's wh oop.com and use the code bears at checkout to save yourself 15 off today know yourself with personalized recovery strain and sleep insights from woop you can't keep like i didn't do it but you still are the worst do you want to hear you want to hear how bad i am you want to hear how bad i am god can you imagine telling him something of substance you're like i need you to keep the secret you'd be like i told uh leanne and my agent and like the six friends that were in my car i told someone someone some i i'm trying to be very vague someone told me something told me a secret and i didn't realize it was a secret um how did you not realize it was a secret i don't know i it was pretty private and i and i told and i started telling everyone right i didn't realize it was a but i wasn't it wasn't even a bad secret it was like it was like uh imagine if you said um i'm trying to make it bland so that the person would know but not everyone knows if you're staying for this abortion but no no no imagine if you said hey we're going to christina's dad's getting remarried we're going to go to that wedding and i was like oh okay cool he's getting remarried like yeah [ __ ] it and then gives me a little bit of like the drama and i go wow that's crazy so then i go around i go yeah yeah tom won't be here next week he's going to a wedding and then you come up and then you go and then and then this is the exact scenario but i'm doing it with you it happened to someone else and and then i go so hey man you seem like you're in a bad mood today and they're like yeah like what's going on and then this person goes i'm afraid to tell you and i go why and they go because you tell everyone everything and then i went i said no i don't and they said i said i was you said christina's dad's getting married we're going away you told everyone i didn't want everyone to know that i went oh i didn't know and then they tell me what's going on and then i get in the car with andrew and he goes what was going on with doctor and i go man did you believe that i she said this person said i can't keep a secret and he was like you can't he's like you're someone you need to establish boundaries with very quickly and i was like really he's like yeah you're a bounty breaker you you you don't know you're doing it you just [ __ ] bowl in china shop and then i go yeah they said i can't say a secret anyway this is what's going on with her and i told him and he goes you just told me their second secret and i went oh my god i didn't even know i did it and he goes burnt he goes you just and i was like in my head i was like i didn't and i think what it is i think this is the way secrets work secrets are only as valuable as that person is to you so hear me hear me out hear me out so this is my there's my theory if you tell me a secret okay i told you a secret hold on i told you a secret in the car for starbucks i told you a secret in the car from starbucks tell me a secret yep i remember the secret hey please cut this out okay okay okay yeah so please cut that out please cut that out so i told you a secret in the car for starbucks right okay right see what's up here's how this works yeah you are more important to me than the person that told me that secret i got you so i will tell you all my secrets and this is why so no no ultimately ultimately you tell leanne everything yeah yeah yeah no but no but now here's the difference certain secrets like i couldn't i they're like certain secrets i can't tell the yanks i know i can't trust her with them oh like so like if you feel so if so like she wait will she hold on hold on hold on hold on me and you have a secret okay do you remember the time me and you had a secret and you looked at me and you said no one knows about this do you remember that no can you [ __ ] write it down or something uh here yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah okay yeah and you look at me you go no one knows about this i go that nah leanne never gets that secret okay i got that so that's how my brain works right um so like you're the most valuable person to me so a lot of times you'll get all my secrets okay and so uh that person that i told you the secret about people below him don't get his secrets right but people above him get his secrets right that's pretty shitty that i think that way it is yeah i you know i think it's best if you don't tell me a secret yeah yeah yeah by the way i want you to know something i operate basically if i go like i have a secret i go like who can i tell this secret to and one of my first thoughts is always definitely not virtual yeah yeah i'm a good person not to tell secrets to yeah because i'm and i'll tell you don't tell me your secret i'm not good at keeping them yeah i'm bad at it but why do you think why do you think that you can't keep the secret that's what's interesting i have a relative who's similar and my theory on this relative is that the person cannot resist the attention they get from revealing secrets oh that's a good one so i don't know if it's i don't i don't i'm not saying that i'm not putting that on you i know about this as soon as you get attention yeah because i love telling a good story today i was backing up my car and i was i'd sprayed water to get the dirt off of it yeah and the the hose exploded in my hand didn't really explode my hand but it just broke in my hand okay but as i was telling the story to me backing out my car to you i heard me say to you the phone exploded the phone hose exploded in my hand and i got soaking wet and then i realized in telling you that story you were gonna see that i wasn't soaking wet and you're going to go did it really explode and then i got into an argument with you about how i like to tell a story backing up my car and by the way we've had this argument many times yeah and i said and i said i need you to know how i felt in the moment i and so and so that's why i that's why i'll fluff you up because i need you to know where i was and so i think sometimes with with a secret it it's never out of the blue i never go in like divulge but if you start talking about something i got a secret that leaks into that i sometimes spill the secret yeah i'm bad i'm really bad with secrets yeah i know this like i'm do you remember ari to ari told me a secret one time this ari was really hurt by this he told me a secret in my car in in our in our car uh going to do rogan with you he told me a secret getting onto the 101. i walked in the door and i told you and joe that secret in front of him and i didn't even realize i did it by the way that's the other part is i don't even realize i'm doing it the majority of the time i don't even know i'm doing it and ari said never forget i'll tell you what i'll tell you what i'll never forget this and it's because it's not a big deal that it didn't affect our friendship or anything oh god which one's this this is like this is so many years ago but you're living remember where you lived where uh where you had the rooftop apartment yeah yeah that like street street i don't know if you want to keep that but but we're in there and i had just had like a i had a little argument with christina and i told you like when we were like hanging out like we're having wine like on the roof or something and i was just like yeah i don't even remember the deet i was like yeah you know she says this and she says and i was just venting dude the next day we're just at our place and just like [ __ ] and then i think she was about to leave and she goes oh by the way uh if you're gonna complain about me to bert just know that he'll tell the end she'll tell me and i'm like what and she goes she goes yeah he told her and she told me and i was like okay all right and it wasn't a big thing thank god it wasn't like a big thing and i was like jimmy jimmy tatro told me a secret that i i mean this is so bad this is so bad we're in the pool and we're having a drink he told me a secret and i called someone and told them his secret in front of him and he went what are you doing and i go huh i was oblivious and he goes i told that to you and i went yeah and i'm talking with him and he goes i didn't want him to know or i would have told it to him and i went oh my god i don't even know i'm doing it but like it was pointed it's like it's impulsive yeah i i it's really bad and and it's also the part of what's i think is uh you know what it's like you know it reminds me of what it reminds me of telling a kid a secret yeah yeah i think i think like a [ __ ] toddler where you're like hey and then the kid goes i don't know i just say stuff by the way here's the problem here's a real problem with me is i don't also don't have any secrets so like yeah i'll tell you that's right and that gets me in trouble like that gets me in trouble as i tell everything and sometimes you're supposed to like the way the world works is you should not tell everyone everything right and and when you tell everyone everything sometimes it makes people uncomfortable right and i i i don't know ah [ __ ] i don't know i'm really bad like i use everyone's real name and stories i mean when i wrote my book when i wrote my book i remember there was this girl who who texted me and goes hey i heard i got a shout out in your book and i was like my head i was like i can't be good and i was like and and then i just immediately was like i'll pray to god she never reads the book and i wrote back yeah yeah nothing but good things and she goes if by calling me loose in high school and a [ __ ] is a good thing then thanks a lot and i was like but the the best is sometimes and i think this is like dudes who i think sometimes hardcore people that party cause one of my buddies is like [ __ ] legit alcoholic drug addict almost almost dead almost dead almost dead and i was with him i was with him when i got the text and he goes ah [ __ ] that's who she was in high school it's not who she is today and he was like what he was like have her text me i [ __ ] her and i was like i was like yeah because part of me is like yeah like like that's [ __ ] horrible i'm doing it again like i i should i i don't know i i wish i could i wish i could be better at it see that's why i don't get invited to like [ __ ] do you realize like i would be like and then i was backstage and drake was snorting coke right well everybody likes people like bert you can't tell everybody that [ __ ] that was the big problem with that tracy morgan story is like at a certain point i was like i remember being like i don't wonder if he didn't want everyone to know that he smoked or did he first of all to be clear i don't think he smokes pcp i think he was [ __ ] with me just to be clear on that story because i feel bad i feel horrible about that story because he's like it never happened and i was like no it definitely [ __ ] happened like i can't make that story up it's too good it's too good if i could make that story up i wouldn't even need to put a name in it i would have put someone else's [ __ ] name in it [ __ ] but i was then i was like there's a there's a [ __ ] big black comic i party with like one of the one of the biggest and i've bit my tongue to not tell these party stories they were so [ __ ] hilarious will smith i tell the story about will smith taking me a [ __ ] movie that's where i met bismarck e r.i.p to biz marquis yeah and i'm sure will was like hey man that's my private time like don't share that with everyone right but it's a good story and i go oh that was the secret yeah that you thought he was your dad thought he was going to but i thought he wanted to [ __ ] me yeah yeah because he was like you want to go to the movies and i was like huh he's like yeah let's go to the movies i'll see you play in hollywood at seven i told my dad and he's like dad buddy this is called the casting couch a lot of these celebrities are so tired of [ __ ] they just want to [ __ ] young boys that's all that turns him on anymore i was like really and he goes i mean i don't know what do you think is more likely you're so talented will smith wants to go to a movie with you or that he's gay and he wants to [ __ ] you i was like i'm getting [ __ ] and by the way i'm sure that's why [ __ ] big willie style now what were we talking about addison ray at the oh yes who is addison ray okay so this is the best this is what i do love stupid [ __ ] so i'm at the ufc weigh-ins okay and i'm in the second row that's the second row in the arena where the fighters get on the scale you know and they just flex and they and addison ray is so hold on i'm trying to guess she is in a professional athlete of some sort i'm guessing oh okay well you're gonna find out here in a second okay so she's in this like green dress where she's in a beautiful dress she's cute she's cute young old i'm guessing mid-20s or something too young okay she comes in 33 age 33 is my age that's that's what you're that's my age i determined it you're like a 33 year old it was 35 and then i met a 33 year old i was like it's 33. okay so she sits down in front of me with who is clearly a security guard with her right and we're sitting there i don't think anything of it my initial thoughts i have no idea who it is is that this is a fighter's wife or girlfriend okay that's what it should be yeah that's what i thought right because she's like very pretty and she's sitting in the front row great teeth he's got great teeth good eyebrows put together those so as we're sitting there a couple kids walk up and they're like can i take a picture and you know they a couple pictures are taken and then by like the fifth person the security guy is like after the weigh-ins so he starts sending people away oh this is weigh-ins this is the weigh-ins oh so damon or marlon dad jokes all day today dad jokes so i see all these people i see people get a couple pictures in the row that i'm in yeah like over her shoulder young people kids yeah so then i go uh i go i tap her on her left shoulder and i go hey yeah what about me and she's like where's your kid she's like what and i see her security guy and he's like and she's like okay like she's like yeah so we she takes this picture right she takes it she takes it with my phone she takes the picture and hands me back my phone and then she gives it back to me and then uh uh joe's wife is is at the wayne's and she goes do you know who that is and i go no so she starts laughing and i go who is that and she goes uh that's addison ray i'm like who the [ __ ] is that she's a tick tocker she has 86 million tick tock fans and 36 million instagram fans what followers and i go from tick tock pull up her page click her link keep going yeah click on her page right there listen ray we're up to 38.6 is am i saying that yeah wow okay give me like a real picture of her of her oh oh you know what's so funny oh go go to that that box that yeah yeah that's so funny i just saw this on my news feed or maybe click the next thing i just saw this on my news feed i just saw this on my newsfeed when i was in serbia okay that's so funny i saw that exact thing and i was like so this girl does is this girl famous for doing videos with people behind her i have no idea i think she's famous for doing videos with people behind her here's what i know what and what ended up happening i just did that stupid picture and posted it i was like it's always good to see my good friend addison ray at the weigh-ins i was tagged in like i don't know how many accounts that are addison like because you know when you're that famous there's like addison ray news addison ray fanbase addison ray that like all these accounts were like addis ray and tom square at the edison rain and i was like i have no idea who this is and from what i understand it is just like the origin of it is tick tock it's you know i i i'm gonna take uh i'm gonna take an opposing view of of uh what would you call instagram models or instagram celebrities ticks off celebrities is you know i think everyone used to think go back to addison ray's page i'm curious about her there's one girl i i we used to talk about all the time i i can't remember her name but um so she is she's pretty famous right who is addison ray well i mean you saw the amount number of followers oh she's that famous she's really pretty um but i used to [ __ ] flirting super hard too for real no i used to i think people used to [ __ ] on it or people do still [ __ ] on it like tick tock famous or whatever and you know i i don't because i don't if if that person gives you if addison ray gives you the same thing that say like a david goggins gives cause i mean i hope david goggins takes this as a compliment david gongins is a an influencer really i mean he's he's not a pro athlete he's not he's not i mean he's an author but he's he's famous for being you know on instagram and on on podcasts right like i mean he's like that's his brand is is that's where he builds his fan base is he goes and works out with he collabs with like cameron haynes they do a collab now they're grown men so you wouldn't call it a collab but that's what addison ray does is she knows collabs she meets another tick tocker they collab they share each other's fans and then broaden their bases and that is what you know cameron haynes got a book out he does yeah pre-ordered it today i pre-ordered it and i like because i like cameron haynes and he's also super inspirational and and i like his mentality same with david goggins but keep hammering man what are you doing [ __ ] tom just give me a sec anyway she's i i'm watching like an autistic co-host go ahead the but it's it's kind of it's like whatever you like you can't [ __ ] on things that don't if they don't give you inspiration because it gives other people inspiration that's that's wisdom is what you're actually spewing right now that's actually wise of you to say because it's true it's it's the the argument i learned this years ago about movies right you'd see a movie poster out and you're like [ __ ] this piece of [ __ ] movie who the [ __ ] and then you learn or realize that not everything's made for you that and then you go oh yeah that's what going to like the movies was you go to the movies let's say there's 12 movies out there's a couple comedies a couple dramas there's a thriller there's a kids movie there you know i mean there's it's all these different things because it's appealing to different audiences and just like celebrities look you could you can make that case in the world of what we do and stand up comedy we're all like we're all like a movie you know what i mean like if you want to use that like that analogy where it's like do you want this type of experience go see this type of comedian and so we're all appealing to different people bo burnham special amazing i played well i played it for someone and they were like i don't get it it's stupid and i was like hold on and in my head i was like you're my friend and i know you like good stuff so give it a second shot like give it another shot it's it's really [ __ ] awesome it's really awesome and it's like uh it's not good it's not funny and i was like no it's it's a different type of funny it's like it's it doesn't have to be like a [ __ ] like oh it's just it's [ __ ] really good and by the way i laughed out loud in that type of way watching it and uh and and and and the same thing goes with like when you talk about movies i'll never [ __ ] on another movie ever again it's it's takes so much to make a movie you think to yourself the fact that people just write off a movie you don't i mean the amount of people that work on a movie the amount of time that goes in a movie yeah the amount of money that goes into a movie the amount of like blood sweat and tears going to movie i'll know you'll never trust me [ __ ] on a movie i changed my tune a little bit after doing a movie about that where i was like you know everyone here is trying to make something good no one's like going like i hope this pisses people off and you and you also realize and you're realizing it now and you'll see it when you go when you go see a cut and you're you're seeing it after it gets colored and mixed and before audiences do is that you're like we all put a huge effort into this and you also don't know even if you're watching you're like wow this is great you still don't know how it's going to be received you still don't know you still don't know if audiences will respond to it you can't you can't tell any of those things no that's why i uh that's why i that is why i said this last week but i go the only thing i can affect is if i have a good time i want to make sure that i have the time of my life yeah this is an experience meant for me to love every [ __ ] dripping second of it but but the same thing goes for addison ray is like there are people i'm certain not a ton but there are people that would be cynical to her success sure but what have you done you just taken hot pictures and boots but they're dancing on your tic tocs this podcast is brought to you by tommy johns i just got their new apollo underwear it's their newest and most advanced men's underwear yet i got a pair too and it said hey bert i hope you enjoy these on the card in the end are you being serious yeah i got a pair that said hey tom i hope you enjoy these are you being [ __ ] serious i swear to god dude i love them yeah they're great i the the ones i wore because i you know we don't have blinds up in the new house and we also don't have air conditioning we just got it i know [ __ ] right and so i need to sleep in underwear because there's no blinds up and i normally sleep nude whatever but uh but i need to sleep with underwear on and i didn't want to be hot and these new underwear i swear to god it says it here but i felt it keeps you up to seven degrees cooler than regular cotton underwear and it's proven to keep you drier this is why tommy john's doesn't have customers they have fanatics their apollo underwear is soft supportive stretches for the perfect fit every day oh and you'll love this it even goes up to size 4xl right now get 20 off your first order at tommyjohn.com bears go to tommyjohn.com bears for twenty percent off tommyjohn.com bears seaside for details yeah by the way i think she i it's so funny can you i know who that girl is but i thought she was famous for dancing in front of people wait maybe maybe that's how the tick tock thing started hey will you because she's famous from tick tock first like th this is secondary right so type in addison ray dancing and well let's see let's see here let's see the uh the tick tocks because i know that like there's 82 million people on i mean now like scroll down because now it's like she's famous already you know i mean like scroll down to like no no it was just recent no no i'm saying that like these all have multiple maps go go up go up go up go up go up i saw it go up go up uh oh no i'm sorry so i so one of the things that 37 million and heard just dancing with someone yeah oh is that guy like he just dropped it to the floor that right there come on hold on hold on hold on that's got 38 million hold on we can recreate that for 37 million views well we could definitely put on that top you can wear that wait which was wearing what i don't give a [ __ ] i'll do it naked and suck your dick doing it for 37 million views wait hold on what let hit the audio on this let me hear what are they saying something like are they doing cheat codes to a video game or is the guy known is the the father's day monster it's wet ass [ __ ] okay who's monty jayla is that her dad monty j lopez maybe oh that's her dad okay that makes sense yep yep husband and [ __ ] yeah that's her dad wait how old is her dad i don't know he's got five and a half million followers husband of sherry dad to addison okay now do what i said and scroll all the way down for a bit let's see if like what got her famous because these are all like i'm already makeup tutorials well-known oh maybe it is makeup it's got to be that's i mean it's like a hot thing i know the girls watch them watch makeup tutorials yeah and georgia's makeup games better i mean she's got pretty good makeup game yes it's it's a lot of makeup stuff and then can you tell let's see how far back you are right now like do you know when that was posted it's got 71 million people um no it doesn't say huh yeah i don't know man i guess it just exploded for i don't know that looks like it's she looks definitely different here younger you know hey i know that that dance studio hey that's where i did hey yeah that's where i did my hit that click that video okay go back to go back can you type in bert dance video i think that's where i did my dance video it probably is go start it at the beginning see uh yeah yeah that's the same [ __ ] place i did my dance video well you and addison have a lot in common that's crazy yeah i wonder how many followers she has look at that that's by the way by the way i'm just a tick talker i'm just a tick talker how many views did she get on this video and they're all in masks so they're gonna rob a bank 3.4 million not that many more than you not that many i could teach you a few things that's her well who are the biggest tick tock stars she's got to be one of them right you think she's probably one of the biggest biggest tick tock followings there's cheat codes when you think about it right she's number two charlie demio diameter crazy as i don't know anybody like i wouldn't have known her name except for will smith who [ __ ] you in at movie theater number eight will smith's got 47 million it's crazy huh yeah i don't know no no i mean i mean i don't know what i like will i i just there's i don't know there's certain things um i don't know i don't know i wish you could be more vague i didn't there's certain things that i that that i i haven't liked the way the universe has done him like i didn't like the ant viv thing where he had to apologize to him viv i didn't like i didn't love that okay watch that no i mean i remember the the actress switching thing but and i think you know i remember him apologizing oh yeah oh it was a big [ __ ] deal and it bothered me that he had to you know he had well i i don't know he wanted to i think he wanted to see here's what happens to me sometimes is i will smith viv apology i go did did he want to did he really want to or did was it one of those things where you're like you're like oh [ __ ] i don't have to i don't have to deal with this um yeah go right to yeah right there which one the preview though you you can watch you can have the whole interview oh where do you actually talk to her actually talk to her and then she basically chastised him i'm gonna by the way i'm gonna be unfair about this so realize that i watched it a long time ago i watched it once i'm a fan of wills i'm a i'm a fan of his i'm a fan of his so um and and so i got a little defensive of him having to apologize for what was childish behavior when he was a child and he was brand new famous and no one had done like i defended him on the across the board for like no one had set the [ __ ] the uh the pl the life plan of how how can you be a young african-american black kid in hollywood who was a rapper and then transition into tvs into movies blow up be the biggest thing on nbc's monday night schedule and then and then real actors who are like you know trained actors have problems with you i got defensive and i didn't like it you can't play the interview sorry i didn't like it and it and then and then i just felt like i just felt i i feel like lately like i feel like will gets maybe sometimes attacked when he shouldn't get attacked and maybe i'm attacking him right now but i go but i i just didn't like it i didn't i don't like well there's something like that's changed and that is that he used to be in the the media landscape was like you put out a show you put out a movie movie's a big hit like that's all you need to do and then he's actually adapted you can give him credit 100 he's like doing the social media stuff doing that big youtube and facebook stuff where he's like documenting it but when i see him on tick tock but he also i'm i'm gonna there's a funny thing to say there's a county thing to say you ready okay i'm gonna say it i'm gonna say it it's a really [ __ ] thing to say okay be a [ __ ] i apologize to everyone that's on that list but none of you deserve to be on a list with will smith in my opinion it's will smith hold on let's let's pull up the game tape pull up the game tape tom give me give me some [ __ ] give me a hot will smith highlight reel okay now listen nothing against charlie addison zach bella spencer lauren or dixie you guys i think you guys are killing it i think you guys will have huge careers ahead of you i think you can all acknowledge though that will smith was a trailblazer for young black men in an entertainment across the board you're talking about a dude who took a chance and made out with another dude when homophobia was running rampant in the hip-hop culture in a [ __ ] movie six degrees of separation right right you're talking about a guy who literally changed the landscape of summer blockbusters right he did yeah and you're talking about a guy that started in [ __ ] west philadelphia born and raised got in some trouble on the [ __ ] basketball courts right right mom moved him out you're you're he changed network television and he also spoke to people about how you know i kind of we all agree that our parents don't understand they just don't understand it sometimes and so i i get i take umbrage when when i see him on that list i i go good for will i just personally i just i put them on a different level i put them in a different category for me good for will good for will but i don't want to see him on that list good for will but i'm [ __ ] i look at him differently because tick tocks are great it's like i saw the one where he was diving in the deepest bull i follow him dude i watched him jump out of a [ __ ] helicopter but jumping i watch i love will but i just i don't know man i get i get a little defensive of him because he was the first guy that introduced me to the entertainment business he taught me how to pitch a movie he was the first person to find me first class like everything about will i get defensive of because i go like it was [ __ ] will goddamn smith man like [ __ ] happiness pursuit of happiness yeah a [ __ ] movie dude is that the name of it pursuit happiness i'm bad with name of the movies i don't know i never saw it you saw it right [ __ ] amazing correct the one with the sun yeah yeah i don't want to see that oh dude it was amazing he's a great can i tell you something that's called a black bummer normally normally white people make white bummers and it's just to bum you the [ __ ] out and make you cry about some cancer or some [ __ ] and that was a big old black bummer and let's take it let's take it let's take it one step further all right okay here we go if we're gonna if we're gonna do monday morning quarterback for how we behaved in the in the early 2000s to paris hilton and to uh and to all them right into britney spears oh my god that poor woman what is happening stop let's stop right there how about a [ __ ] let's do a big mia culpa for lindsay lohan that girl got [ __ ] by the media and all the celebrities in hollywood that that and she is legit talented she is probably one of the most talented actresses of our generation i will stand by that day in and day out dude mean girls is it not a [ __ ] great goddamn movie i don't know lindsay lohan and by the way [ __ ] drumline drumline's a [ __ ] banger bro drumline is a great [ __ ] movie great [ __ ] movie dude great [ __ ] movie lindsay lohan got trashed by a lot of those hollywood kids they all [ __ ] [ __ ] with her i think they [ __ ] with her she was too young and she first of all she's gorgeous yeah she is pull up a picture of lindsay lohan today gorgeous i mean beautiful body all now all natural beautiful body let's not don't yeah pull up a hot one go to her instagram there we go there we go [ __ ] media does you shitty and they're and they're not gonna hold themselves accountable gossip.com isn't gonna hold itself gossip scoop gossip coupe gossip copic gossip what the [ __ ] is that say gossip cop isn't gonna hold itself accountable right but they're gonna get a ton of clicks off of uh britney spears needs to get litigated she looks cute man by the way i'm gonna take another unpopular opinion i'm not going to on this one i'm gonna veer away about britney you got it do you think she's doing well uh no it doesn't seem like she's well at all like she's doing very well in and i haven't seen that i heard that there's a documentary that kind of show like gives you a bunch they tell you a lot without telling you like what her psycho vowels say obviously like that but she looks unwell like she looks unwell in her instagrams like she does she looks like somebody who's now here's a question is a conservatorship controlling your instagrams and making her no no no so maybe she should i i if she's trying to win her i would hop off instagram but you if you're not well you don't know that why would you no but i think the whole argument's being made is that britney is 100 fine to run her money well i i understand what you're saying but she doesn't seem well i'll seem well i will speak on behalf of a person who should be in the conservatorship okay you me yes i shouldn't be in control of my money at all i should not i would sign that petition i've spent recklessly before not realizing what i'm spending on really yeah like what oh like a go to a bar and actually no it's six thousand dollars you're like oh six thousand dollars at a bar i'll show you a picture it was a [ __ ] fun night it was a fun night you wanna see a picture where was it serbia whatever let me and wait who gave you the call was that it was six thousand dollars no like the was there a call an accountability call like the next day was like a little bit like you know is this getting drunk send a text to the group just giving you a heads up you got this bill's coming in just give me a heads up it's not a stolen credit card it's bert like every time mike do you realize how often in in i mean how often i buy something and banks go has your card been stolen like in [ __ ] in atlantic city in atlantic city the end goes i'm gonna get out money we're at the buffet a buffet and by the way this is the way my brain works i'm gonna pay for everyone that's with us yeah i'm not gonna let anyone pay for themselves everyone's gonna you know it's my training you're also working there yeah i'm working making money pay for everyone and i go i don't have any cash for a tip and leanne's like oh that's funny i thought you had money i said no i'm out because i was at the craft stable you know and she was like i would get money and she was like that's funny won't let me get money out and i was like really what's her limit and she was like we don't have a limit i was like yeah we actually do she was like how do you know and i was like i tried to get money out last night and i [ __ ] ran the limit she was like how much money did you spend it's only a thousand dollars but you shouldn't be taking out a thousand dollars in cash now here's the deal i the question i have is is britney's conservatorship safe like is it a safe place is her dad a villain and he's hoarding her money away the way like dane's brother was in it was taking care of his money and was not happy with it right or is it a safe place and that's the question i have is i would love to be in a safe conservatorship where someone you know i don't even know what a conservative ship is really what what like you can still drink right hold on let's start over with what's a conservative ship because if they're like yo they just drop off five seven bottles of wine it says it in the first sentence you can you can a conservatorship also known as a guardianship is a legal mechanism set up for people who are unable to manage their affairs so okay so how many how many pro athletes how many pro athletes do you think should have been in conservative shows at this point thousands okay let's let's let's let's let's start with who should be in conservatorships and then work our way back and see if britney should then be in a conservatorship okay if she falls into that group that should be into a conservatorship so let's let's google famous athletes who went broke so that we'll be like no no yeah evander holy field is broke he made nine nine figures well into nine figures so is it fair to say that evander holy shield should never have been involved in charge of his legalism well i guess you could in a way you can make the case anybody on this list right but i mean if you get punched in the head a lot maybe you shouldn't be in charge of your finances right that's a very fair statement tyson we all know that he met so much money and then went through it he saw his ability to make money i mean he's still making money right he's making money now marion jones the sprinter was making a hundred thousand dollars per race all right let's go actors uh johnny depp should johnny depp be in a conservatory yes yes okay all right so hold on if we're saying johnny depp should should boy burt reynolds how about cage yeah i don't know about saka souffle here scrolling souffle uh larry king oh my god larry king went broke i don't know it says he's not doing well he's dead now but uh late 70s he was paying through the nose to a list of creditors even when he was given his own talk show the money didn't last considering how many times he was married and divorced well that'll get you if you're married seven or eight times maybe his dick should have been under conservatorship yeah that's not a dad joke uh meatloaf tony braxton sinbad sweetheart let's see what hers was though despite her awesome voice uh she continued to spend even when the royalties on her songs started to trickle and then they finally dry up this led to two bankruptcies in less than five years there might be a third on the way rumor has it she was still allowed to purchase a three million dollar home while she was 50 million in debt um okay so hold on sinbad's was really famous what was his his was that he wasn't paying taxes so he was always on that like la times would publish so there's probably a difference between getting a good business manager and as being in a conservatorship here's a question and it's a little sacrilege because he's passed but do you think dmx would have benefited from a conservatorship of course right of course because he also had a real drug problem anybody with a real drug problem anybody with a real drug problem i don't think i don't think britney has a drug problem i don't know i would not i really wouldn't know i didn't know about pamela anderson what was that about oh yeah looks like she was uh failing to pay taxes yeah they'll catch you every time gary busey so we're looking at a bunch of famous people who should have been a conservatorship michael jackson should he have been in conservatorship definitely he was [ __ ] out of his mind yeah yeah so he was also like i want i want to get monkeys you know like let's get some chimps for the house that's when you need someone to be like no no no so so so the question is are does the internet the internet just jumped on brittany's side going you need to free brittany right you know who knows this answer whitney cummings should we call her and see if britney should be in it conservative she's gonna have a real strong opinion i'm guessing yeah watch this nick cage ended up buying like he had like 10 homes at one point and they were trying to get him to sell a house but that's like depp depp's uh if you look up johnny depp um rolling stone article it is so [ __ ] captivating i stayed in one of his houses one time johnny depp's yeah i spent the night there dude spending is that's probably that's probably the one right there trouble with johnny depp yeah that's the one make that bigger the trouble with johnny depp by the way i'm [ __ ] maybe part of being a brilliant artist is being able to tear through your money and then being still have to recreate right yeah [ __ ] whitney's not gonna answer she must know we're back this podcast is brought to you by bud light seltzer who has my number i got i got a summer stolen away from me yeah it sucked stolen away last year i didn't get a summer i didn't get that people over i didn't have to get grill outs i didn't stolen from me i was just touring and working and all i was thinking about all i was thinking about was an ice cold drink while the sun sets with my feet in the grass oh man and the skaters everyone thinks about the skaters everyone thinks about the cicadas and not only are these crazy seltzer flavors cherry limeade blue raspberry summer ice but bert they also they created ice pops that is the greatest thing i can possibly think of my favorite thing in the world isn't to open up an ice pop yeah it's one of my favorite things in the entire world i didn't know and to think you could have a bud light ice pop i remember when i found out they put a cough syrup in it for kids and i was like why don't they do this stuff like that for me as 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that's why you should be in a conversation i should probably be in a conservative ship well this is some highlights from this cause i remember i flipped out when i read this article it was amazing he has made 650 million dollars in his career at the time of this article it's not that impressive and i'll tell you why let's think let's think it out right so so that's pretty big yeah that's pretty big i was just i was just trying to do the math and i was like because i i based everything on here like smashing like made like 20 million dollars one year or something right yeah and i was like okay so then like i figure i just work it from sebastian and i go how long has he been working right yeah it's been working since 21 jump street long time okay and then you figure how when do you think johnny depp how old's johnny depp you gotta be close to 60 i'm getting started when he was 18. isn't he close to 60 am i wrong 58 started when he was 18 right right started let's say he started making millions when he was 25 okay so 25 years like 30 years basically 30 years so it's not that i mean you know it means that means consistently every year you're making like 20 30 million dollars a year but really only pirates of the caribbean were the big big go no go stay where we were by the way and i hope none of this is coming off slanderous to johnny depp lindsay lohan or britney spears scroll just a little bit so here's some highlights okay oh by the way by the way i just realized i'm sitting here going britney like trying to lobby for a conservative ship i have a real hard time with anyone telling me what to do i could never do a conservative ship i had a hard time with holding my arm in an mri machine oh yeah no you wouldn't be able to do it you'd be at night someone goes say bird you're done and i'd be like but check this out so in the suit there's at the time there's a suit going on his sister they find that sisters of johnny was given seven million dollars his assistant 750 000 without his knowledge and that he has paid the irs more than 5.6 million dollars in late fees scroll down more [ __ ] ridiculous uh so the suit suggests that that depp has a compulsory 2 million a month spending habit so he's spending 25 million dollars a year spending that's out well what well this breaks it down it's gotta be small things you're gonna collect that much stuff listen to this scroll scroll more because they list some of his things and it's outrageous scroll a little more oh look how gorgeous he is um he's a good looking man he's a very good looking man of course johnny depp um cruz ends in the conversation jep tried tying trying to pull his own tooth in a restaurant while dinner with stella mccartney yeah i bet he's so yeah he loves smoking he loves wine there's a whole thing in here about his wine habit um and like how many homes and and things that they tried to get him to get rid of and he was like no but maybe that's the maybe that's the how the sausage is made that might want to get if you want to get part of it if you want to get great actors you've got to let them be crazy like we haven't heard any good songs from bit like new songs from britney right no so maybe it may be that maybe this conservative ship's stopping the art and then and then here's the question is the art more important than the person like do do we care more about a good britney spears song that's fun to dance to and and brings you a smile to your face than her well-being well because now clearly i don't i don't think you're gonna have both really well in in that case you mean yeah i mean you know it's like it's like look other some some artists in order to create the art they hurt other people right we'll use harvey weinstein as an example i know he's not an artist but you get what i'm saying yeah some artists hurt other people to get their art that's how they do it that's how they operate that's their thing you know it's it's funny and then some artists hurt themselves they hurt themselves to get the to make the thing they need to make right yes what's more important important the art or the artist well because you i mean like candidly 95 of the people don't really care about britney spears i don't care about her no no they just want to you know tweet about her they care about they honestly care about the music that they first cared about it's the music and that's not the artist that's the music that's the art okay so here's some other stuff here uh okay depp accused his management confirm of taking 34 million in loans in his name as a result of mismanagement with the final result straw being a 12.5 million dollar hard money loan engineered to his longtime attorney in 2014 at 10 interest um he has been hardly paid any down scroll more more i'm wondering if this is the same article that i was referencing because they also said um he was a big fan of uh what's the uh hunter hunter s thompson yeah he spent like three million dollars to shoot him out of a cannon uh he says it was 10. well i mean when you're looking for a write-off i'm sure you say yeah whatever yeah what's that next picture i just want to see more pictures of johnny depp ponderos look at how good looking he is he's a handsome dude look at those cheekbones i mean i mean really do you think hunter's [ __ ] up there jesus christ man his suicide on russ thompson yeah shot himself in the head uh okay extravagant lifestyle two million a month uh the suit claims depp did give us three million to shoot his pal hunter's thompson from the sky canada is that what he says 75 million for 14 residences jesus christ um a mere 7 000 to buy his daughter a couch he bought 70 guitars 200 pieces of art uh he owns 45 luxury vehicles and spends 200 000 a month on private air travel i mean he's just going he's going 200 000 a month isn't that bad i mean considering what private air travel is it's a lot more where's he flying i don't know europe he flows he flew stanhope over uh first class to london to meet him really yeah him and bingo he spent 1.2 million to keep a doctor on call oh i'd do that i'd do that and see let's let's find which of these i'd do jesus christ i'll tell you which ones ready scroll to the top i'm going to tell you which one there's going to be more here okay keep scrolling i'll tell you which ones i would do it's insulting to say that i spent 30 000 a month on wine because it was far more and by the way it was not three million to shoot hunter into the [ __ ] sky it was five million so i was wrong i'd spend five million to shoot you out of the sky i would do that for units yeah by the way i already have your next birthday present it's a flying motorcycle that's pretty cool three hundred thousand dollars so we gotta get there okay yeah and people are gonna go bert spent lavishly on his friend's birthday i go hey you don't know what it meant to me yeah uh wait which of those would you do by the way there's a lot of them you would do the wine first of all private oh no you're talking about i'm not talking about the money i have now cause i don't have that kind of money but if you're talking if i have [ __ ] his money yeah 200 000 a month on if on private air travel that's done that's done uh the wine done uh three million to shoot a friend of the canyon done a hundred percent without a doubt uh how many homes he has ten homes i said fifteen uh i probably do a third of that yeah but it makes sense yeah it makes sense i i can see collecting homes yeah i don't wanna okay okay how many homes how many that's one great call how many homes does he have scroll back up it was further up 15. is that what i said no that was it 14 home a little bit further up there you're right 14 residents okay million dollars on 14 okay real quick i'm gonna bang them out okay okay i got two in california i'm gonna have one in malibu and one i gotta keep the stupid one we have now okay i can actually three houses in la one in malibu the house we have now and then a rental property that's going to be three in la okay mind you i have 650 million dollars i'm going to get i'm going to get one in austin i want to be by you thanks man okay i'm getting one of florida so i'm going to get one in tampa yeah maybe get one i probably get two in florida one in tampa one in miami because i'd love like a [ __ ] cool south beach yeah so now we're at five houses correct right no we're at six houses oh okay six houses uh i'm buying a house in croatia bam croatia yeah i just have one people like you gotta grow he's gonna go you know what i do right on the beach okay you gotta have a new york place right oh you got new york place without a doubt london place okay girl's gonna want a paris place we're at 10 already and i haven't started picking places i want right i want hawaii hawaii for sure right and then don't you want like a pacific northwest like a montana or whatever you gotta have a zach galifianakis getaway house oh he's in carolina though oh okay that's funny but do you want to do it in like that's what i'm saying wyoming montana oh play some montana place in aspen right wow but two okay yeah well montana's more for hunting aspen's more for smoking weed and so already i'm at 13 houses yeah and i haven't like only to pick one so 14 does not make where does she where do you think she votes in belgium georgia all right we're gonna buy the house on the corner of dot road this is the [ __ ] house we've driven by is this old [ __ ] she's like i want that we've almost bought it i think it's like fifteen thousand dollars oh yeah i don't know why we didn't buy it so so yeah we're gonna buy her lake out we're gonna buy her lake house buy out her dad yeah 14 houses is not like you start looking at it you're like yeah that makes sense and by the way you got to remember 650 million dollars and now you've got 14 houses right so you're telling me 200 000 in private airfares a lot not all no i'm gonna visit a lot of these [ __ ] houses yeah and and how much does he have an art go back to art because you got to put paintings up in these houses yeah you got to buy a guitar for each house how many guitars he has 200 pieces of 70 guitars 70 guitars 14 houses you got five guitars a house that makes sense 45 cars which is not spread out about 45 500 15 houses you got to spread them out man this guy's actually living his best life and he's being quite frugal if you ask me seven thousand to buy his daughter a couch of she's a fan of keeping up with the kardashians ask laurie laughlin if she wouldn't buy her daughter a couch for seven thousand dollars i'll ask bert kreischer would you buy your daughter a couch for seven thousand yeah yeah today yeah like today my daughter was like what's this couch how about this couch what is it she goes it's from easter or uh addison rey's living room i was like who the [ __ ] is that isn't right dad please i want it so bad i want it so bad i'd take that back liam would kill that deal yeah cause isla wanted this now do you ever go like i s i yup we're doing it and then you don't talk to leanne about it and then it gets done and then afterwards never that never happens never once done it are you serious yeah i've never once knew yep we're doing it i say that i say that and then i judge her reaction and then based on her reaction we do it or not wow like even my car i was in i was in macon when i got my car it was about a year ago and i was like i'm getting a car and she was like which car and i was like this one and she was like why and i was like okay how about this one she was like i was like i'm getting this car she was like that's a cool car i was like that's what i'm getting like first of all you waited on her well the first one pull up the first one it was the i think i talked to you about it it was the porsche um the porsche force four-door panamera panamera pull up the porsche panamera and leanne goes this stupid looking car and i went okay okay and i was like it's a good-looking car i was gonna get the porsche panamera yeah they're dope they're [ __ ] sick and then i send it to her and she goes uh are you tom's more the porsche car you're not a porsche guy and i was like what do you mean she goes look you're more sedan guy like i go it's a sedan she goes it's a porsche don't forget it's a porsche and i went okay so what kind of car should i get she goes i don't know get whatever you want but if you were going to buy the girl something then it was like a few thousand you'd ask you'd check with her yeah okay because i tried to get georgia one car that i liked because i thought i could drive it also yeah and george and leanne's like and i talked to our guy uh yeah yeah yeah and he was like uh it seems a little pricey for a 16 year old and i go yeah but it's one i don't mind driving right right and he was like okay he's like let me run the numbers and then set it back to the end she's like nah take all the [ __ ] off of it and maybe then and so yeah and so i literally and then i went back to leanne and i said i wanted a range rover and she was like we already have an suv and i was like okay she's like you're more a sedan guy so i sent her the car i got and she goes that's a good-looking car and i was like that's what i want okay i think she after two sounds like she [ __ ] pulled those drinks oh yeah yeah [ __ ] hilarious johnny depp's not doing that bad and let's let and can we can we be the ones to start let's be dude this is how we go viral you ready yeah the people that go viral the people that start a movement right okay start a hashtag start a movement i think we should be the ones to get lindsay lohan back into major motion pictures wait speaking of you really want to try that yeah i want to show you something first okay instagram pull up magicjohnson on instagram i just because we're talking about spending crazy so he has roughly the amount of money that johnny depp should have which is like over 600 wait his instagram's magic johnson no that says magic john's oh yeah that's yeah yeah wait which one did you pull up people are like mmm johnson no this isn't bad it's only got 2.5 million followers but scroll down further further further further further further further further further further further wait i've seen this is he still on vacation yes that's my point yes okay stop stop stop by the way i'm gonna roll up i'm in love with magic johnson's son up a little bit up a little more right there on the right this is like basically when it starts this one starts yeah kind of like yeah my first birthday in greece and all his posts are like i ate a fish today click click through let me see the rest of the pictures he's [ __ ] yolked he's enormous okay so he's out on a yacht in greece and you're like oh cool it's magic johnson yeah he's back to the pink palace he's a okay then it's like the next day he's like i'm working out on vacation i'm officially on vacation and i'm working out and you're like that's cool man like love it you're having a great time go to the next one then he's like last night we had the most unbelievable grouper [Laughter] and by the way i love that can i can i tell you he looks this is what's this is what's adorable about magic johnson come back to that picture it's super sincere it's super sincere this is what's adorable you're never gonna like magic johnson didn't grow up with money right right but now he's one of the richest men oh yes but what's so great is that he wrote his own caption he wrote last night we had the most unbelievable this is like a dad poster yeah it totally and then he wrote fresh grouper caught the same day not realizing the vast majority of people yeah in greece are eating fish that are caught that exact same day like a lot of people that are on a yacht will catch a fish and then it's not that's not the most amazing part of that like that's not the it's not yes noticeable to be like it was caught we caught it and then we ate it yeah like that's what makes it i just noticed by the way that somebody the first comment underneath it says what are we supposed to do with this information who's that [ __ ] person what an [ __ ] who's that [ __ ] person i love that guy i might start following him i might start following him too by the way a good sniper [ __ ] comment click his link i want to see his page uh it ain't like this oh it's private of course all right keep going go to the next one okay a beautiful day in ithaca okay go to the next one oh here's a lisp go change that one and then uh so he starts bringing out fans who's he with well this is a wife and i think maybe uh two friends two of their good friends keep going if you would and then it starts to be samurail's there okay and he has yeah uh sam jackson is that ll cool j yes and samuel l jackson and uh and and it looks like wait who's the other who's the other guy the light skin dude who's that guy right in the middle sam jackson ll cool j and who's that guy click on the picture and see if he's tagged um cow and there's rodney pete holly robinson pete um i don't know who that is but anyway dude so this is like that's july what does that say third third dude he was posting three weeks late like it's the best vacation ever and people are gotta be coming and going on the vacation he stays on it how do we become they were they were in greece then italy then he's in france keep going now you can like kind of page through them look who we ran into like it's just it's one awesome now they're in capri italy right friends shopping he's like we went shopping samuel jackson happy july 4th uh it's happy birthday that's the guys that's the guy he was asking for it's his birthday today um just me sam jackson and ll cool j what do you think they talk about how [ __ ] good the grouper was i don't know look he's like hey man we got grouper again yeah and it was caught the same day same day and then he's like i found these white people still in greece he's in great shape i mean for yeah dude he's look at this method have you ever seen him in person no i saw him one time in a restaurant person he's six nine no way yeah and he's got to be like two is that you that's what i thought look how much does that look like you that's the comment there it looks like tom sagura so it says that it does look like tom sagara yeah it really i really thought it was me for a second but anyways this continues man so keep going it's the best he's can you get a picture of his son his son is my favorite oh he comes he comes on the vacation yeah just keep doing that keep cleaning i love the confidence james yeah yeah and was who's that other guy oh just keep going he keeps working out what was that it was his daughter i think i'm going talking [ __ ] hot no offense magic cookie is that cookie it's cookie yeah man cookie's a good chick yep everyone should be there i love his by the way what's that outfit zoom in on that outfit it looks like it's maybe is that gucci yeah i think i love his son his son's a big dude big big man i mean magic six nine he's six five probably yeah maybe dude i love i don't know what it is you know what it is this is gonna come off i'm sure it's gonna come off bad but it's like it's like refreshing to just see like someone live their life like that you know like because i feel like i do that with my life you know what i mean and to see that that is becoming the norm is that you get to just do what the [ __ ] you want to do and and and and and and people celebrate it but i say something else i love about this i do i do appreciate somebody who just goes i i embrace and love you and brace and love my child no matter what i think it's fantastic too i also love somebody who's a huge success magic yeah who's living up a vacation i love yes a vacation where you just go i'm all in let's go for it love it i'll tell you what man i'm going to give magic a uh so like this is not going to make sense a little bit okay but like like the fact that magic completely accepts his son for being who he is is so hard as a dad and it's got to be hard harder if it's that within that and you're so famous and you're so famous because i know for a fact like georgia and iowa will wear clothes that i don't like yeah and i do and i'm like and i'll say i'll catch myself saying stuff like what the [ __ ] you wearing and it's like and it's just like like uh you know they both dress like hippies like they dress like really baggy clothes like combat boots and like just outfits that i go just like what the [ __ ] you wearing and i catch myself saying that to my daughters and i go the fact that magic johnson's is just who the [ __ ] he is and lets his son be who the [ __ ] he is and celebrates him and puts him all over his i mean i'm taking pictures with island i was like yo [ __ ] you put change [ __ ] clothes you look like [ __ ] you look like you're homeless and and that's [ __ ] hard as a dad and that's fun i bet magic johnson would love us do you think i better get our sense of humor you know like more like a gallows humor i bet we if we just said to him hey man my thought yeah he'd click more with you you think yeah why you kind of you do bigger broad strokes you know oh yeah i can see magic being like you're more larry bird guy yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so i'm more magic you're more larry bird i think so do you think if we went to dinner we went to dinner with magic johnson and we went to larrybird together do you think we'd just start pairing up with them and you'd see us just be like yeah yeah yeah and then i was like [ __ ] him right magic and he's like yeah larry bird is a savage is he really all the stories about are you getting more phone calls america from samoa why are they from international numbers they're all international we were in the car you got it by the way that was the funniest [ __ ] phone call that was very funny can you surmise it so we went to the starbucks drive-thru and when we ordered our coffees we went to pay and bert went to pay with 100 bill and the guy goes was it what's kid's name brandon brandon and he goes uh the kid goes you know what this is too big you have anything smaller and then he goes by the way and he looked in the car he goes i'm a big fan of you guys and bert of course goes who do you like more right and the kid goes i like bert i like you he says that he goes i like you and then i go who the [ __ ] answers that yeah yeah who tells the person who's yeah but like oh chuck liddell and uh and tito ortiz i'm a big fan who do you like more um tito obviously yeah and you're like hey dude what yeah so i you know i was just joking but i'm like who says that and then we eventually uh we pay you give him a hundred dollar tip and he's like yeah thanks have a good day and then legit he's looking good like oh my god oh [ __ ] yeah but then we're in the car and we see international phone number ring on the you know on the screen serbia and you answer it and you're like hello and the guy goes tom and you go no it's bert and he goes oh i wish it was tom he's my favorite that was it and that's it and the guy hung up and i go what the [ __ ] was that and you go a lot of people have my phone number and they watch my instagram stories yeah post instagram story they're like oh they're still in the cardio let's call him i've got i've i've got i've gotta i've gotta change this [ __ ] number i gotta change this number all right we gotta run we gotta run we got a lot to do here oh [ __ ] you gotta read all those yes yes yes i bet i have to read a bunch of ads you are going to have much guys let's answer let's answer one phone call hello hey man what's up what's up okay all right that was a lot of fun love you love you i love you too okay [Music] one goes topless while the other wears the shirt tom tells stories inverts the machine there's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean here's what we call two bears one cave no scripts a bit of booze amateur patology dirty jokes raunchy humor no apologies here's what we call two bears one cave

Channel: YMH Studios

Views: 961,316

Keywords: ymh, your mom's house, your moms house, tom segura, christina pazsitzky, christina p, mommies, jeans, up, high and tight, what's with the jeans, denim on denim, podcast

Id: dkBzlsMXIs4

Length: 100min 5sec (6005 seconds)

Published: Mon Aug 09 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/weedleavesnoseeds]

Does anyone else recognize his hat. It matches the logo of a local baseball team but I wasn't sure if it was just a generic logo

[u/ImNotSteveAlbini]

The best way to keep a secret? Don’t. Tell. Bert.

[u/[deleted]]

Glad it’s on Spotify now

[u/stupidcrap420]

The fitness king Bert “I smashed 10 cheeseburgers” Krishna

[u/MustyVictor]

Anyone else think Berts interrupting and stupidity is annoying? I liked it when he was gone and Tim had other guests host.

[u/FortHero]

They all say they are very good friends with each other, Rogan Ari, Bert and Tom so was anyone else surprised to hear Bert asking Tom how Rogan is with his kids ? If you were close would you know ?

[u/Socialdem]

Anyone recall about where the joke about the new prisoner is?

[u/GroundbreakingSort32]

Anyone got a link to the squirt instruction video lol?

[u/The_Iron_Zeppelin]

Was half the episode old? I definitely remember the Will Smith movie theatre story.