Ep.66 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

super bowl the [ __ ] super bowl you can't say that that's a registered trademark for the national football league i'm gonna be watching this the big final game of the season with my buddies super bowl sunday me tom segura and me warsaw it's all going down on sunday february 7th 3 15 pacific 6 15 east coast watch the big game with us and you know we gonna talk plenty [ __ ] we're gonna be drinking smoking eating watching football i can't wait to hang out with my good friends trent and bobby livestream.ymhstudios.com finally two bears one sack we'll see you february 7th for the big game did you smoke in your bed smoked in my bed smoked a cigar in my bed how did that didn't didn't no harm no foul really yeah it it's like wearing a condom on spring break not wearing a condom on spring break i don't know anyway 100 [Music] see i think dreamers should have a chance to get citizenship hey guys welcome to another i know you're upset um welcome to another episode of two bears one cave he's bruce kirschner i'm tom segura this is how we do it now we ain't gonna go in nowhere we ain't that's not gonna play that when we get canceled [Music] um so real quick what real quick if we're going to drink bud [ __ ] seltzers by like seltzers let's do it at the front cause i got [ __ ] to do today okay i am i am celebrating my power brother i am celebrating come tell you i'm like one drink i need i need like a whoa we're drinking the tall voice yeah you don't have that much [ __ ] to do here cheers oh [ __ ] i thought we were getting the little skinny ones these are burnt drinks this is right let's see how many calories you know i'm very calorie consumption per serving 120. that's for the whole thing oh well who's drinking half well i think most of us are going to ration it out no tommy can i tell you my can i tell you my new thing my new thing is power down that drink and enjoy the buzz i really i'm sure both lights like easy bird it's the taste all right here let's try it let's try [ __ ] we're a nightmare for [ __ ] alcohol sponsors i would revision that and say you are hey to the super bowl to the super bowl to the big game to the big game every game a big game ready how's that sip this is tasty yeah 220 calories i guess i'm skipping lunch are you done no i want it can i tell you this is my realization i called you last night celebrating you did yeah last night you were celebrating i'm celebrating my power tom so the other day i did winston churchill day right and so i had i liane woke me up or i woke myself up i waited and then they brought in eggs bacon coffee uh toast in like the where the sleeve where you stand the toast yes you can find a picture in the dab yeah go to my instagram jesus so you're all right yeah are you gonna throw up not even close yeah i almost threw up on the treadmill this morning celebrating my power [Laughter] oh i'm gonna puke so that's the other one's the guy breaking into my house there we go here we go so this is my breakfast if you can zoom in take a look at what the toast is on and not look badass leanne got me that for christmas yes look at all the really nice silverware and uh and the fine china is this the first time you've done this first time i've ever done it and i didn't even do it on the right day apparently you're supposed to do it on april 9th what made you choose because yesterday died and i was i wanted to be a part i just wanted to do it and i i've been you know i've been holding up my drinking days so i've been wanting to save them for good days yeah that would be a good day yeah the problem is i can't roll into a drinking scotch at eight a.m without having a little tie one on at night yeah yeah so i tie one on at night can i tell you something you should do this more regularly i don't think can i tell you something i'm gonna okay yeah i'm [ __ ] definitely gonna i'm gonna gonna like i'm [ __ ] i mean i'm gonna park here for one second okay okay so before we get into celebrating your power [Laughter] this is too great i want to mention that for the big game which is february sunday february 7th 3 p.m pacific 6 pm eastern bert oh i think myself it's okay okay it's okay you me and hall of famer and super bowl champion warren sapp we're going to be here in studio i don't know if it's been made clear or not some people were like what is it it is a companion show party to the game to the big game so the idea is that you're watching the game with us we're gonna watch the game you can have us on a laptop on your phone whatever a second tv as you're watching the game you can just honestly grab our audio and play it while you watch the big game yeah i mean you don't have to watch but i think pair it up nicely two and two because we're putting the video component together and we have our own halftime show we have some of our own ads we have extra content and we have warren sapp and i hope i think are we did we get a betting sponsor no oh well we'll be gambling i think that was a misstep on the betting gant people yeah we'll be betting for sure we'll be betting and then we'll be setting up a lot of the bets that no someone would do we're doing it with each other and then you can do it at home it's going to be a [ __ ] blast can i tell you we are going to get i want warren to get [ __ ] wasted me too and you're the guy to make it happen oh i am so i already have like like i was like maybe i should learn about uh some of the people that play on the teams and i was like nope no it's i was like i was like what a great i mean i have like a list of questions i definitely i want you to be like patrick mchomes i want you to be like is he good like that's what i'm hoping for oh yeah i tell you i'm telling you man i'm [ __ ] brady gronk all the way oh i'm sorry i'm a buck it's your hometown by the way hold on let's be fair because i will get called out because i have done this before i'm also a rams fan i'm also a rams fan this is a win-win year for me we have season tickets to the rams my girls we're big rams fan and you're from but i'm from tampa i grew up in tampa when the bucks sucked when people i i mean i hate to get too specific but i remember when doug williams was our quarterback and people didn't wear shirts in the stadium and i remember people that was my introduction to racism people saying horrific things about doug williams and i was the biggest doug williams fan the biggest i wanna have him on my [ __ ] podcast you are i would love to dude that guy that guy i you know all those guys all those guys ricky bell um a [ __ ] batman james woods uh dewey selman leroy sullivan passed away dewey someone was the reason i learned about circle anemia i've never heard about sickle cell anemia my dad's like i remember my dad his kid was chewing the back of eating m m's next to me and my dad's like man dewey selman's a [ __ ] monster he's got sickle cell you know what that is buddy i go what he goes it's when your [ __ ] blood hurts and i went and i'm watching this guy play i mean i was such a [ __ ] box fan sure and then and then uh you know when warren had his run there and they won the super bowl that those teams were pretty incredible too man dude derek brooks john or mike alstott john uh what's his name john lynch john lynch he became a gm i think it's uh white privilege what what is i think he's like a i think i don't want to [ __ ] on john lynch yeah you know we'll bring it up with warren it's a great idea yeah because i think john lynch is like the of football wow i think that might get a suit and by us you mean you just get just bleep out the army hammer part but leave that one in wait why are we celebrating your power okay oh i'm off track because you did you did have and i won't say it but you did have a really good reason to celebrate life we'll share that one day as soon as we're allowed to okay but um uh so but is that the catalyst for you celebrating your power so okay so i've been having i've been having a hard time drinking over quarantines why i haven't been drinking is because for whatever reason i'm just living at home so i don't really it's not [ __ ] super fun just drinking i'm the only one drinking and then leanne started drinking a lot and so i was like oh i have a cocktail with her so i did then all of a sudden i'd drink a bottle of wine and black out i'd drink a and it was not fun and i wake up i'd be hungover and i didn't want to run and i was like [ __ ] what the [ __ ] am i doing so then someone breaks into our house we'll talk about that in a second someone breaks in our house the next night we go up and we lock everything up i'm feeling good and in the next days uh wednesday churchill day and i decide i'm gonna tie one on a little bit if i'm going to go and drink tomorrow and so i get a little loose looser than i wanted to be a bottle of wine [ __ ] couple of food fights a shotgun had to take that picture down off instagram everyone hit me up they're like hey man you're drinking you have a gun in your hand it's not funny it's like dave williams hit me up he's like hey man i'd take that down i was like huh he was like i don't know you're talking about killing somebody you can't find it anymore anyway let's celebrate our power so so the next morning leanne comes in everything eggs bacon toast in the little sleeve toast thing great she bought expensive glassware yeah and then fine china had my breakfast and and i'll be honest with you did you smoke in your bed smoked in my bed smoked cigar in my [ __ ] bed how did that didn't didn't no harm no foul really yeah it was like wearing a condom on spring break not wearing a kind of spring break i don't know anyway so so i i go in i hate it by the way so spring break no senior week senior week we go to myrtle beach right and uh um this chick was like uh looking for me and they're like i think he's in his room and i'm taking a shower and she's like can i tell you i think i've heard this story really i think i've heard the story keep going well does it end with no that's a different girl [Laughter] so this girl gets in the shower i've i've you know i went to school with her but i've never like made out with her or anything she's just in the shower with me i'm i'm i'm a little loose right it's spring break yeah yeah i've smoked a blunt i've drank beers so we're showering and i was like oh put it in you know so i i go to and then after it's in she goes you should put on a condom i'm like it's already in you yeah you know but i took it out and then put on the condom no you didn't [ __ ] her yeah yeah i was like why don't you get out i guess i'm done she was like uh she just left well you know we i mean she stayed there for a while and i was like come on she was like all right and then like i would start and then she was like you should really wear a con i'm like okay i don't have one in the shower oh i i you know i wonder if you count just putting your dick in someone yeah i probably have two more people on my list really yeah because there's a couple people i put my dick in once and then i was like all right i don't have a condom there's a bad idea this apparently i learned later that i should have used a condom with her oh did someone tell you a story yeah they're like oh wow she was actually being pretty cool yeah she was being nice to you oh [ __ ] all right back to my power so so i i take my time i'm not a take your time kind of guy so like i take my time with my eggs my bacon make some toast put some jam on it liam bought me a little jam thing i've done my food have a little fruit and then i light my cigar in bed now i'm in everything do you have any apprehension about doing that i did had a lot of apprehensions your bedroom and everything oh yeah i had a lot of apprehension i had a lot of apprehension because i was like this is a really bad idea i was like you know this did she give you any [ __ ] about it she was like she was like light it and then if you know if you're gonna smoke it just go step outside like enjoy it have a drink have a little sip have you know so i light it and she opens up all the windows and puts a fan not with churchill lived in like a room yeah yeah yeah i mean this guy he probably smelled i'm sure it smells so bad yeah so bad because you know he's ripping ass all day [ __ ] [ __ ] and drink oh i'm smoking a cigar like one after another just oh he smoked probably four cigars a day oh my god dude he lived to be 90. yeah that's crazy and so i decided to go it's so you oh it really is but yeah and then i think that's what inspired me about this was was watching the darkest hour and then reading i've been obsessed with history and reading everything i have isn't it [ __ ] crazy it's funny that you say that it's such a burnt thing to be like i watched the show and be like i'm obsessed with this topic now i can talk at length about czars yeah so so uh so i i i'm like all right i'm gonna just try i'll try it and then you know if i because i also wanted to jog and i felt pretty good and i was like i don't when i'm gonna drink a glass of scotch if i'm gonna get work out maybe i'll just do a little bit throw it on instagram and then be done my day i like the cigar i take a sip of scotch and it feels good yeah all of a sudden it's warm and it feels good and i went hmm and then leanne opens the doors towards the fan on and the smoke's all kind of pulling out and i'm like you know and i'm feeling good in bed i'm in in bed with a cigar and i'm like and scotch and i took my time with it right i got the the the important thing about drinking i think people miss yup and by the way i talked about this ad nauseam in therapy my [ __ ] therapist goes i mean i'm not i don't i maybe i've had a drink once this year or once last year and i went once and he goes you know if i go to dinner i'll get a a jack and coke and i went jack and coke i go what are we sophomores in college and he goes actually i found that drink was a sophomore in college i was like no [ __ ] yeah i was like drink like a [ __ ] man i go you're out get like like and then i started this is what you told your therapist yeah and i was like you got i go there are drinks for i go like if if you tell me an occasion i'll tell you a drink you should have if we're going to go have golf and someone says bloody mary i go double i want tito's and i better see you again on the front nine like that's the drink i want in a pool on a saturday at around 11 dude gin and tonic are you [ __ ] kidding me like there are drinks to have at certain times in your life where you go where you go this is what i'm gonna have uh in a sauna not bad they're probably not a fan of that but bud seltzer and i had the christmas edition and so so i i take my time and i think all you really want out of alcohol really honestly the only good thing about alcohol is that first drink buzz that first drink buzz that goes i i remember this so specifically we did sober october and i've been on a tear for [ __ ] really bad up until we did the first show of october and then me and ari go to uh go to go to uh new orleans and we have that first drink and we bought really nice first drinks our first drink and i was like oh i don't know if i wanted drinks i hadn't drank in a month and i felt really good and then we went on the street and the butt that buzz from the first drink drink and a half kicked in now there's a girl i want little girl i won't say her name because i but i know her dad's name's john and her mom's name's claire but i want i just this is a true story this little girl would come to our house growing up with our daughters and she would dance she would dance by herself with no music and she would just sit everyone would go do something she'd just sit in our room and just dance and do like moves that were like her own little moves and she was like maybe seven years old and i used to stare at this kid and go what the [ __ ] is she dancing to like what makes her dance and all of a sudden i'm in new orleans on the street and that buzz kicks in and i go i know why she dances it's this feeling when you're a kid that's pure you get that as a kid but when you're an adult yeah you need one drink one drink and you all of a sudden you feel the lightness of like hey man [ __ ] coronavirus [ __ ] cancer [ __ ] all this i got alcohol alcohol it makes it all go away and it's such a beautiful beautiful thing but what happens is with me and with people watching this is all of a sudden you go all right let's turn it into a night yeah and if you can find and and this is what i really respect about you because you can do this joe can do this uh i don't know i think ari can do it but if you can find that one drink where you get the lightness and then you go i'm gonna get my [ __ ] together i'm gonna go to sleep i've got a busy day tomorrow yeah oh and that's your power and once you get that power you can celebrate that power this podcast is brought to you by hymns i don't need this silly beanie because i have a head full of hair some guys 66 of them start losing their hair by the age of 35. once you've started noticing a thinning there's not much you can do about it you know what you got to do is the second you see the first thing going do something about it that's right you have to act i did that i got in front of that train i was 21 years old wow 21 years old and i still look at this look at this i mean it's like all over the place yeah it's beautiful you can do that too all you got to do is go to for hims.com for him was hymns was started by a guy who knew that the majority of guys like having a conversation about their health online as opposed to going in person i know for a fact i like that uh most of these in-person things are long lines a lot of you guys are awkward man a lot of guys get these snake oil pills try that no listen you can go to fort hems.com and they connect you with licensed medical professionals online which 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you can turn your cool idea into a website showcase your work maybe you're a photographer maybe you're a writer you can publish your blog or or you know show your content you can sell products or services of any kind promote your physical or online business you can even use it like a for a special event you're having a birthday or an engagement thing or a wedding or whatever you can have a site built just for that beautiful templates powerful ecommerce functionality lets you sell anything online you can customize the look and the feel and the settings and the products fantastic we're big fans of squarespace head on over to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch use the offer code bears to save ten percent off your first purchase of a website or domain that's squarespace.com and enter our code word bears i guess so last night so i do that i have one drink and i haven't i enjoy it i've never enjoyed a [ __ ] scotch i've never sat i enjoyed the scotch i enjoyed the cigar smoked the whole scar down to the nub finish the scotch chewed on the ice when the ice is perfect and it still tastes like scotch and you're like my glass is empty i get done put on my workout gear run six miles right run six [ __ ] miles the whole time i'm like suck my dick winston churchill that did you run six miles after your [ __ ] day definitely not again he also fought the [ __ ] nazis but anyway yeah but so there's a lot of things i didn't do that he did so i find my power now here's the sketchy part when you don't always have that power you're fluctuating between weakness and power your weaknesses i'm on the treadmill i'm almost done it's my last mile maybe i'll grab a beer oh why is your brain saying that well do you know what let's open a bottle of rose it's noon why wait why's your brain saying that oh you know what let's smoke a blunt let's smoke one of the snoops blunts just take a hit wait why is your eyes brained saying that let's have another cigar that's the weakness right if you can conquer the weakness then you celebrate your power and your power is that one drink at 8 a.m with a cigar and i will be doing this again because it's such a great feeling to be at 11 30 at night to have no buzz whatsoever feel totally sober and go i had a [ __ ] pretty amazing day so last night good news comes leanne opens a bottle of champagne and i go i don't even question it i'm celebrating my power right so we have a couple glasses of champagne i never feel champagne that's not real no right [ __ ] chicks jesus christ chick drink uh sidebar uh winston churchill used to drink a bottle of champagne at lunch which i might start doing who do i want a little treat it's it's called it's first of all it's champagne it's like [ __ ] you know sparkling water kool-aid it's like cool it's like it's like kool-aid and someone's back so that's by the way that's my weakness as i went back to kool-aid when i was celebrating my power so so so um last night couple classes so fantastic a couple glasses of champagne and i and and like a couple zoom conference you know things everyone's cheers to each other yep and i go johnny walker blue i'm coming for you i'm coming for you with a cigar celebrate my power and i say hey leanne let's go take the dogs on a walk right in between celebrations i would never do that i would sit there with a [ __ ] [ __ ] make a drink take a right you know brody yeah i don't i celebrate my power i come back i have a drink lindsay text me hey i need that and i'm like ah you know what i'm celebrating i facetimed three people uh to to thank them you uh rogan and dr drew or the three people at facetime that were separate i'll tell you what i'll tell you why in a second but um or later but and then i had i talked to you and push on the phone i finished my glass of johnny walker blue i finished my i didn't even smoke my whole scar celebrating power and then i went in i sat with my daughters i started drinking kool-aid and i uh hydrated i went to sleep and i woke up feeling amazing and i ran the fastest three miles i've run to date this morning because i didn't feel hungover yeah i was like you know how me i am i i still work out when i'm hungover as [ __ ] oh i know and and and can i tell you the best part of it is and this is what [ __ ] my brain up is i knew i could run hard because i knew i was having this bud light seltzer this morning and in celebrating my power i said i'm gonna have one i didn't know it was gonna be a tall boy i was like i'm gonna have one bud light seltzer and then i'm gonna keep doing my day yeah celebrate my power well this seems like a really like like i think i'm crazy well i really think hey you switched casts oh it's just a bracelet okay um this show's better when we drink this is uh i was gonna i can't wait till you move to austin we are just gonna get [ __ ] tossed every time you i feel like you really had a revelation this is like a breakthrough i think we should snip the last 20 minutes and you should send that to your therapist for sure oh i talked to him about it yesterday and and he was you know i don't know if i con my therapist and just telling me i don't have a problem or like telling me i'm like normal yeah but like the thing he goes you need to write a book about drinking like he goes you make me want to drink and i was like yeah but but the thing is is like seems like the effect you want he goes you know he goes i go you know what he said to me yesterday he's like he's like you know i said to him i see a sunset now leanne i don't know if leanne's ever seen a sunset i don't know if she has ever stopped to look at a sunset there are certain people that don't see sunsets they just don't see them like i'm always looking for them the same way i guess that certain people see and talk to ghosts or like i look do that with something i do mention sunsets a lot i'm obsessed i'm obsessed that can i tell you what i love about a sunset and this is what i love about my power is we're one beer in and i'm having beautiful thoughts yeah you definitely are um they're so fleeting there's beautiful you know what it's like women it's like they're beautiful beautiful beautiful and then they turn 50 and they're like oh it's all dark hey dude oh that was horrible well especially because you're married to a fish oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you basically just said my wife's not beautiful anymore she's beautiful in her own way if you like if you like a domineering woman who likes to tell you what to do and then drive she drove me to two bears today cause i was like i'm definitely having one drink she goes and and then i was like i don't drink and drive so she's driving me here and then to my you are by the way for a guy known for partying and drinking and really going over the top you always responsibly get yourself transported i have a lot of i have a lot of rules i think in my head where i i follow a lot of certain rules that maybe not everyone follows like the vaccine stuff like someone hit me up and was like i'm gonna get you a hook up on a vaccine and i was like i can't do that and then like yeah yeah but you're you know it would be better for you and the people you work with i go i i can't do that i'm like not that guy like i appreciate it and i don't have a problem with people cheating and getting the vaccine at all i would never call someone on it i know people that have done it but i'm not i'll give a [ __ ] like my rules are weird in my head here's the thing about sunsets right i i think it's growing up in florida is like there's something about i would love to know if this is a florida thing laying in the sun is like meditation like if i lay in the sun i can feel the sun hitting my skin and warming me i all of a sudden it's like a xanax it just pulls all my energy out and but it's got to be like a nice hot sun where you're like where like god's breathing on you sunsets and i tell this to my therapist i said i said i don't think i'll ever see a sunset and not want to have a cocktail because the sunset's great it is great i love i get to enjoy them yeah but when you have one cocktail and a sunset all sudden the sunset's got like hopes and dreams and it's just so much bigger and then he goes he goes you know bert alcohol does pair nicely with a sunset and i was like uh it also pairs nicely with boredom if you're doing nothing alcohol is a [ __ ] great companion yeah yeah there's it's a great companion for a lot of things right i want to find i want marijuana to do that for me it can i gotta do you [ __ ] me up about trauma really yeah oh hey you [ __ ] everybody up with your story that we found out you left a little detail out of well story i don't know so we talked about how there's events that can traumatize you and have an effect and you said when we talked about it last that that you know it was like eye-opening to you that yeah you've been traumatized you know oh my god and you shared you shared a story about getting back from i think russia and hold on let me plug these in yeah oh why who watches leanne's [ __ ] podcast that's like i feel like kevin brennan when he talked about cheating on his wife at the end of the opiate anthony show and he goes you listen to the end of the show well so you told us this story about you got back and uh you had a an std scare and that the the horrific thing that happened to you is that you were cheated on while you were in russia i believe and then a couple days later after that pious comes out you do leanne's and and this is on there look at that that's a glass that see this was a blackout night this was a blackout night yeah actually we opened a bottle of champagne to do the podcast her 300th or three year anniversary and then it just it just and i ended up listening to the grateful dead uh [ __ ] drinking wine by myself in the man cave smoking a cigar silently wasn't like a fun buzz i look at that that young lady or the woman now the woman that that treated me that way and i go oh i made mistakes i cheated on her with erica yeah i definitely did she caught me she she deserved to do it i don't i don't think she ever intended to cheat on her first oh yeah see that's the time out that's the part i never hold on okay you cheated on her first hold on no no you cheated on her first and then you claim to be traumatized by her okay you left that out of the story sometimes man you paint your own narrative so so you were so you were like oh you should really hurt me like she broke me in i was so hurt and you leave out the details so when did you cheat on her uh like uh before you left russia or oh yeah yeah no before yeah yeah i cheated on her pretty aggressively you don't think that's an important detail no you just want to be like she hurt me it's about how it affects you correct right like oh [ __ ] yeah i wish i had never said that oh god damn i talked to the i watched the it was in my story it's not like [ __ ] such a [ __ ] why would she put that in i told halston to edit that out yeah it was a [ __ ] man have you ever been walking on getting when you're cheating no no you had that happen so wait paint the people call the check talk about it wait paint the picture first uh so the whole picture is just that little bit well like paint the picture of the incident like so you have a girlfriend what's her name or cancer okay you can't say it because it's not fair to her that's fair that's fine yeah so can we give her a name sarah you're like oh it's [ __ ] her name give her jennifer i did a million jennifer right now jen like [ __ ] off okay so you're dating jennifer and you end up you you did say the name erica right you can't i can tell you yeah erica is the one that you hook up like cheat with erica was i ended up living with erica in new york okay but for this particular incident you're dating jennifer and wait are you back at your place so i just to give you a little context oh man hold on let's you're right let's pull it back to there so i yeah i i mean erica at spring break and she's just different than the other person i've been dating yeah different and uh really fun and not as heavy as as and doesn't know anything that's going on in my life at the time which was really nice because that my parents were splitting up and so i started hanging out with erica and then i'm like they're in the same city but i tell one girl i tell the jennifer that uh i was going out with my friends and then i'd go out with my buddy obie and this girl susan and then erica and the four of us would go out and hang out and it didn't seem bad at first and then eric and i started hooking up and and then i'm um up we lived obi and i lived in an attic and uh ah [ __ ] eddie is such a [ __ ] she walks in and she's like hey is bert here and eddie's like upstairs [ __ ] eddie eddie what tells her yeah it tells her no yeah because we were fighting at the time me and eddie were fighting at the time and he's like upstairs and she walks upstairs he could have just said no yeah and he walks she walks upstairs and she walks in and eric and i are on a futon and she sees us and she goes hi i'm jennifer i'm bert's girlfriend and erica is still one of the funniest people she goes i think he's talking about you [ __ ] [ __ ] oh and then she looks at me and she goes i'm gonna leave and i was like that's a good call oh it was oh like it was chill bumps it was gross it was so douche chills i [ __ ] up big time and i was like i was like i don't know you talked it out with her like right then and there uh we talked it out we broke up i started dating erica and then eric and i broke up but dating erica is a weird thing to say because we dated but i don't know we we're still really close so it was like a weird eric and i had a kind of a bond that formed then that wasn't as much sexual as it was like sincerely just finding a best friend finding someone you could talk to that all of a sudden you couldn't talk to other people like like it's like you i honestly i i there's a handful of people i've run into in my life that i hold on to erica's before i talked to her the other day i literally talked to her the other day for a long time and uh and so yeah uh and then it was we broke up and then eric and i had kind of just date oh well we still hung out we hung out we ended up living together in new york like we always hung out but you weren't dating when you were in new york where you were oh yeah okay kind of but not really but kind i don't know eric and i have always been very complicated and i think that you know you even leanne always was like awkward with eric and my relationship never because we hooked up because we have a real sincere closeness yeah that um she knows me really well and she can make me giggle really hard she's just she's a really cool chick she's always been a cool chick and [ __ ] very different like just the way her brain works is like and so man it was awkward getting walked in on cheating that sounds yeah it sounds cool were you guys in actually doing it when she walked in i think we were i think we might have been kissing or something yeah because if it's in like if you have it in and somebody walks in that's totally oh oh my buddy had that happen yeah uh get ready to bleep all the [ __ ] names ready or just don't say them no no just bleep the names walked in on [ __ ] his girlfriend oh my god i know can i tell you that because of that experience you ready for this because of that experience i started headlining the improvs yeah yep he this guy uh witnesses that comes over walks in on that walks in on it first thing he says is oh my god you're okay and he's like what the [ __ ] comes over to me and leanne's house and is crying and i ended up writing a joke about it because it was uh like i was like you know it's fun to make someone laugh but it's more fun to really twist the screws and make someone cry harder and so because he would talk about it and i was hung over and i didn't really have any connection to it i was like i know this hurts but then i was like it's kind of fun to make fun i was like yeah you're gonna have a hard time watching now and he was like just edit all the ones that i cover my hands out of with so uh so that night i go to the improv and chris porter's headlining they call me up and they're like hey we have chris porter he's just gonna do 30 minutes because he's showcasing for all the improv owners um can you come out and do another 30 minutes after him and i'm like of course matt fultron's there it's me chris porter and matt voltron and you're aware here and in irvine yeah and irvine berbrea and so chris porter [ __ ] destroys and i have to follow him and so and as i follow my it's kind of a part of my career where you're like oh of course that's me i watch everyone that owns an improv get up and walk out of the room and follow chris i'm like cool with it whatever i'm still getting a spot and i'm getting paid i don't give a [ __ ] so i get up and i just tell the story of i had a weird day today i had my friend come over and he was crying and it's so much fun to watch someone cry and then really twist the screws and you go you're like oh my god did you and i make a joke about it right aaron from the improv stays she stays that night and watches my set and in the middle of the set the guy calls that guy right yeah and he goes hey what are you doing and i literally i see his name i go oh my god do you remember at the beginning of the night when i said that my friend came over crying he's crawling right now let's see if we can get him to cry so i answer the phone i go hey buddy how you doing he was like oh not so good and the place is grabbing their chairs going like and i go hey and i had and by the way this is back when i was completely reckless yeah i said the guy's name the guy who he walked in on his name i said everyone's name right i said everyone's name i was like it was back before the internet no it wasn't no but before social media where tweet it out and then all of a sudden it would go viral right so so i started this wasn't 85. i started i start making jokes about it to him and he starts crying harder and harder and harder and he's sobbing and the room is [ __ ] falling apart but it's the best laugh because they want to laugh but they can't right because it's like study hall like they're like holding on and then i get done and erin comes back to the green room and she's like was that real and i was like oh yeah she was like uh you're headlining all the improvs she's like you're my new favorite comic and she's like that was the most amazing sound i've ever seen and it was just it was just fun because i remember those bray sets where yeah god man i'd go back to that any day the breast shows with my brea i prefer i gotta kill the original go ahead yeah yeah i have i like the original space the one that before the one that every at 11 45 would start smelling like [ __ ] yes i like that one i had to duct tape all love it the [ __ ] that's my club the original space for brea all right here we go it's 11 00 am all right we have voiceover too okay you want to crack another nope okay we're celebrating my power celebrate your power you want to finish mine nope it's completely full why don't you do it you want a little buzz yeah yeah i got it let's taste it let me see hmm it's really tasty it's strong is it no but it's good how many beers is in one of these how many beers is that i mean like you know what i mean like i can ratchet that's two beers that's it yes 25 ounces perfect buzz a two beer buzz yeah dude let's write a [ __ ] summer hit let's that's a two beer buzz you just named it let's write a summer a summer hit where me and you sing it your movie oh a song yeah yeah okay yeah i thought you're talking about a movie no no no no we're we're definitely doing that okay we're definitely doing that i didn't sing songs we'll be movie stars in like a year yeah that's gonna be crazy it's gonna be pretty cool do you think we'll still do this when we're billionaires probably not i don't know about you but sometimes i feel like i'm always on my phone looking at something if it's news if it's twitter if it's instagram sometimes i forget that my phone also has music in it so nice the other night to put in a little grateful dead and throw in some raycon earbuds listen whether you're catching up on your favorite new podcast binging an audiobook like jocko wilninks i think i'm saying his name wrong or powering through your pumped up playlist a pair of raycons in your ears makes all the difference they are tiny there's no dangling little stem they are i'm telling you as good if not better than any earbuds you can find out there they've got stylish colors they're comfortable they're discreet they're waterproof so like when you're sweating they don't just start going they also have a battery life of six hours come on man six hours of play time you can't unplug for a while the best part is they make sound accessible to everyone because they're half the price of premium audio brands other premium audio brands raycon is offering 15 off all their products for my listener our listeners here's what you got to do go to buy raycon.com bears that's it you get 15 off your entire raikon order so feel feel free to grab a pair and a spare that's 15 off at by raycon.com spares that's by raycon.com bears um let's do a oh my god did you see the king we were still looking for princess the king of thailand had his sister's ankles broken no take him off the list please type in king of thailand ankle's broken holy [ __ ] like misery he broke his sister's ankles because she disagreed with him he broke her ankles or had them broken i guess he probably didn't break here we go king of thailand reportedly accused of breaking there it is it's true click that click that link yeah after she questions plan to name second queen okay holy [ __ ] yeah he's not playing games i like that i respect this guy let's see the unpredictable king of thailand i'll let you say his name is suffering mass protest in bangkok has been accused of breaking his sister's ankles the shocking allegation was reported by andrew mcgregor marshall the former reuters bureau chief in bangkok in his pr uh subscription only newsletter um marshall who is free to quote his thai sources without fear of the country's vicious censorship laws can you make that bigger since he left asia reports the king is alleged to have attacked his sister after she was knocked over by his dogs insiders claim that he either jumped on her leg oh my god or beat her with a cane what the [ __ ] the ass so it wasn't an accident i think so the assault was allegedly prompted when she after she confronted him over his plans to make his official consort a second queen alongside his present wife queen suthita wow the titan ability has recently been alive with rumors that king maha the tenth is set to elevate his official consort to the status of full queen all right so his sister didn't like that and he was like you [ __ ] [ __ ] and then dogs get her smack smack smack jesus and they're like we don't know if he jumped on her legs or beat her with a cane but something happened her legs don't work anymore um holy [ __ ] yeah all right yeah take him off the king list yeah well that's the royalty list unless unless he's down with us then it's fine what if he's like hey they have a good sense of humor about the way i beat legs do you want to see her cry watch this brings us over like she just healed i'm gonna break her legs again hey i want you to bring your wives over huh and don't bring ice skates i don't know what accent that i don't know either i like doing a non a non-descript accent so it doesn't get called racist uh do you know how hard it was do you know how many takes i did of uh of the video of the guy breaking into my house where you know how hard that was fantastic that was really good man oh thank you thank you that was a really good promo thank you thank you a lot of uh it did very well i think a lot of people didn't know if it was true or not that's true you fooled people well i know but the first part of the video is the real guy the real guy is the real guy the broker how often is this happening it's happening a lot the same guys they just keep coming back yeah it's they're like they didn't take anything this time they the alarm goes off and it scares them and as soon as long it goes off it calls the cops and the cops show up within it's really is stupid to even try the first time they did it they should have tried it and then literally ran away and watched to see if the cops came and if the cops came they were like oh this is a system but they're not that intelligent so they broke in the alarm went off they ran away and then the cops showed up next time they did it again ran away cops showed up next time they did it ran away cops showed up again it was every time and so they don't and there's nothing in there there's nothing in the room because we know they're breaking in there so we've taken everything out so it's it's just pictures of me so then i was like i was very frustrated and i was like you know what i was very frustrated and i was having a conversation with my daughters and i was trying to say i feel bad for these guys i do i sincerely do because if i want something if i if i want to provide for my daughters at the lowest i was uh i decided to start creating content so that i could make money to sell tickets like i have a way to make money i got these guys don't have a way to make money like i said to them i actually feel really bad for them is that they're sitting in their living room in front of a bag of mcdonald's going like so how do we get another bag of mcdonald's yeah and one guy's like you know that one house the alarm keeps going off but i bet if we're really quick we can and like they're not that intelligent and i feel bad for them i go i could i could make money for them like if they just came to me and like just want to break in and they're like hey stop stop stop we won't take anything we don't understand how to make money can you help us like we're just breaking into houses because we can't come up with any good ideas yeah and then i would be like hey guys stay there i'll be over in 10 minutes and i will come up with a plan for you to make money like and and i could do that and i'm not saying that by the way that'd be a great video if you could make that happen yeah just and i i literally said i want to say how about this show up whenever you really need money i'll venmo your 200 bucks and then don't break into my house i have to come over there like just don't like just don't make me wake up at four in the morning or two in the morning is when they do it two and four in the morning every time and so now i'm like up a two going like well it's gonna happen sure enough it happened call the cops hey man cops show up there's [ __ ] nine of them the gun's drawn they're gonna get shot these guys are gonna get shot one day for nothing for a poster of my netflix special like that [ __ ] seriously so then i was like well if i could make these guys money i bet i could make us money in my head you know my way my brain works so i'd wake up george at like [ __ ] 10 or midnight and i go hey let's drive over to the house she goes why i go i want to break into the house let the alarm go off and i want to pretend i'm those guys and we'll shoot a promo video for it she was like that's a [ __ ] good idea let's just go into my own house let the alarm go off that's great it was a great it's a great video man it's uh yeah it's that first that one there i mean this is i was this is maybe what i was hoping they were doing yeah and this is the real footage right here at the top yeah this is the real guy right here you can't see him he's got a mask on yeah thank god he's not bringing coronavirus in there is there a door on that door pat not yet okay we're putting a so he walks in he's looking around what in the alarm alarm goes off and he's like oh [ __ ] and then it jump cuts that's you that's me and you're like oh [Music] yeah you know this is just what i was hoping they would do yeah that's a great one man yeah and so i just and then i i woke up and i saw how many views it got and i felt bad again for the guys because i was like ah what if they're just like constantly on your instagram i mean here's the other part is that i know that my name's everywhere because it's all posters of me speaking of your name yeah so i played for you the original uh aw tbs broadcasters saying your name wrong do you have the original like the first the first time when the guy corrected him and then cody's looking bigger he looks huge dude so this is the first time this is one of this is great uh let's see if we can get cody on the phone too all right so hold on hold on let me hear this one because this this is like you have to set up you have to do the whole treatment okay ready let's hear it snoop and cody rhodes a part of go big show set your dvrs now to watch snoop rosario dawson jennifer nettles cody rose and ho and then a week later another episode comes out and they talk about big show right here thursday nights on tbs cody rhodes of course snoop dogg jennifer nettles rosario dawson and bert krishna i mean it's funny at this point at this point i go i hope the guy never learns my name yeah me too yeah i messaged cody about it are you serious yeah i just gave him a bunch of suggestions i was like could you please have them continue this it's called cody okay it's excalibur is the guy's name krishna yeah krishna i mean that's not even trying hello cody rhodes it's burke bert kreischer brett krishna hey bert how are you doing hey listen i'm going to pass the phone oh you're on the two bears 1k with me and tom segura do you know who tom square is tom i'm with tom oh hang on i'm passing the phone cody tommy tom how are you buddy good man i'm good how are you guys doing we're doing great man congratulations on the on the show it's a big hit everybody loves it um i wanted to tell you nothing is bringing this audience more joy than the broadcasters uh mispronouncing bruce's name um is that a calculated thing you guys are doing i i really can't confirm or deny it being calculated uh nefarious or malicious intent i can say that it will continue on the first show i did put a sheet of paper with all the copies in front of the team to hit the names and then they just went ham i mean it's a live show jericho is the one that really put it in the end zone with the bruce thing but i know his name yeah i know bert's name but i mean in wrestling we might consider this a slight receipt because on the very first go big show yeah burt can't say the he can't say the [ __ ] word nightmare he literally he said nightmare i'm already on this show i'm already on the show with people who are like it's snoop dogg rosario dawson jennifer nettles and the wrestler so yeah i really need some help when it comes to nightmare it didn't seem that hard but no he did it on purpose i got to tell you something he did not well he's just that way i'll say uh he pronounces that word nightmare yeah it's i know i could i could hear your eyes rolling to the top of your head yeah it's like a meerkat coming out of the ground like that comes out at night that's a freaking nocturnal meerkat thank you yes hey how do you pronounce how do you pronounce w-o-n w-o-n one oh yeah not juan not one no not juan thank you i don't know about that maybe you should talk to burt hold on a second no um cody uh please please hey what can we do wrestling-wise me and tommy i should probably heal first um what do you you could do it you could do a lot wrestling wise uh you i think it's always better if you pair yourself with an actual wrestler okay because i don't want you guys yeah i'd hate to get hurt well i don't want your first i think tom you're probably more athletic than bert cody i don't want your first outing in the ring to go bad so we put you with somebody really good and we give birth somebody you know pretty decent too you guys really should go at it you should get two bears going dude i'm so down and so is bruce we should definitely we should do a jar of honey match yes whenever you guys want to do it the ring is literally always set up dude you're we're in thank you so much and please please keep the mispronunciations of his name going it is the greatest joy to literally hundreds of thousands of people i'll do i'll do my best thank you so much let me pass you back to bruce cody i love you what up big b uh we're gonna go back to the show uh uh congratulations man everything is i'm literally so impressed with the success of our show is because of you so thank you oh man no it's you baby thank you bert very very much i'll do everything i can for them to get your name how you'd like it hey hey just make me keep giggling when your wife tweeted she was like oh [ __ ] you got done bad again brother so that gave a pregnant lady a lot of joy when jericho screamed bruce because it just was the full train being off the tracks oh god yeah so it gave her a lot of joy she almost hyperventilated laughing all right love you man take care love you buddy bye god he is fantastic cody rhodes that's fantastic you know i i i got a real treat because when i started working with him was right right after all the wrestling [ __ ] went down with you yeah and he was like he was like what's up with tom is it a work you know like using wrestling is he a jobber yeah or whatever the wrestling stuff is and then i was like i don't know man i'm not that big of a wrestling fan and he was like yeah and i was like what he's like you grew up in florida you're a big wrestling fan and i was like no i'm not and he was like give her a c he goes no he goes do you ever see a wrestling match and i go oh yeah i saw your dad wrestle he was like where i said tampa armory and he was like you saw my dad wrestle and i was like yeah and he's like and you're telling me you're not a wrestling fan and i was like nah like i was a big fan of the von erick brothers and he was like hold on you you know who the van ericks are and i was like well yeah and he's like i was like everyone does he goes normally people from florida do i was a huge wrestling fan it was the best when um when i when you facetimed me from the set one day and you're like hey this is and then you're like here's cody and uh he was like hey he goes hey man come on man with the wrestling [ __ ] could you [ __ ] knock it off he totally broke me when he did that he was uh dude he's like honestly out of all the people that are doing the go big show i think snoop is the reason the show's doing well because everyone everyone loves snoop yeah he's i mean everyone internationally iconic we should do a snoop dogg day like we did winston churchill day and just smoke blunts in bed with a scarf on her head do you know how quick our day would be over oh let's see if we can call snoop okay i'm down you think he'll answer here's the better question do you think he gave me the right number no i've got three snoop numbers um they're definitely people on the team all right let's call snoop see the answers what time is it 11 he's waking up we're gonna do an international snoop dogg day okay would be great if he was like this is snoop's phone i can already tell he's not answering snoop calvin snoop snoop it's bert i got so nervous [Laughter] what you doing snoop [ __ ] i was halfway in the dream and i heard your [ __ ] voice you just smashed me out of it hey listen well i'm on a podcast right now we're talking about go big show and we want to do we want to do a snoop dogg day where we wake up like you do and smoke a blunt in the morning in bed you think we can greenlight something like that i think we can cause that's what i'm trying to do right now you just put me in the mood i'm reaching for mars right now and and then you pick the playlist of music we listen to i [ __ ] love it tell me when to go all right perfect i'll set it up how's everything going good man bert you're a bad [ __ ] man i've been watching your ass away from this [ __ ] you a bad [ __ ] man ah that is the biggest compliment i could ever get paid i'm cracking another drink i got to go and do adr for uh go big show today at two and i am with you next time you shoot that [ __ ] that shit's [ __ ] talk [ __ ] it's hilarious i love it i love it done deal snoop done deal done deal i'm sitting here with tom sager you know tom what up what's up snoop you know tom and i are you know tom and i are doing a super bowl show with warren sapp now is a crazy [ __ ] man yeah we're going fishing you want to go fishing with me tom and warren i'd love to i've never been fishing before hey we're going when are we going do you know friday we're going friday on feb february 5th if you want to go i'll send you a text no no in l.a oh hell yeah [ __ ] you okay i'll text you i'll send you that'd be fun man warren would love it man i've never done that adventurous wildlife naturistic [ __ ] i'm down with it now let's go okay i'll send you a text and uh let's do it all right thanks man appreciate you all right much love take care snoop guys get a good seat we should wrap up the show that's it that's [ __ ] bert let's celebrate your power and murder that i'll murder this ladies and gentlemen this is two bears one cave i'm tingling right now that's pretty [Music] exciting the 55th super bowl is this weekend 55 and a game this big deserves a big prize not just some trophy draftkings the official daily fantasy sports partner of super bowl 55 has up to 55 million dollars in total prices up for grabs with their super bowl prediction pool how's that for big all you have to do to get your share of these huge prizes enter draftkings free super bowl prediction challenge once you submit your pick you'll get a free instant prize up to 25 000 if you have the most predictions correct you could win the top prize of one million dollars download the app now enter the free prediction challenge answer questions like who will score last and boom get ready to make it rain download the draftkings app now use promo code bears to enter the free 55 million dollar super bowl prediction challenge everyone gets an instant prize up to 25 000 just for playing so use promo code bears now and enter the free 55 million dollar super bowl challenge only at draftkings the official daily fantasy partner of super bowl 55's terms conditions and eligibility restrictions supply cheap draftkings.com for details bert tom the most iconic rapper from our youth just called you a bad [ __ ] is coming fishing [Laughter] yeah i'm about to cry yeah that was pretty great he gave me his real number yeah i didn't expect that at all i would mark that one since you have three [Laughter] he was sleeping yeah he definitely was you woke his ass up it's 11 30. oh we gotta do two bears one cave national snoop day yes where everyone smokes blunts and beds puts scarves on their head and listens to a snoop dogg playlist of just great [ __ ] mute you know what we could do what we could do two bears one cave live all right god two bears one cave live with snoop right oh yeah with snoop and we'll do it early we'll take this and we'll put a bed in here already i think snoop's gonna be like we're all in the same bed i don't think he would like that but what we do is we just have a playlist and snoop is like the dj and he does the playlist yeah and we're all smoking blunts and everyone can go wake up and they can play like wake up with us and hit that playlist and then just chill like you know like like like the watch i'm a little buzzed i'm way too buzzed i'm losing my power right now i still feel it where everyone gets that playlist so then you can you can do it at your leisure and you can do it on repeat you can save it so then one morning when you're like man i'm having a [ __ ] up day i want to do awake and bake with snoop tom and bert it's like almost something that's like a treat for you all the time yeah so then you go i want to listen to great music they can listen to the best musics new pics playlist and miyu and tom and me and snoop are all smoking blunts and listen to that i love it i love it this is [ __ ] great yeah this could be a great day i believe he [ __ ] answered the phone i know you definitely woke him up i wonder what his night was like did he go to bed like four hours he does not party man really really honestly he's like a work owl like he gets every night you'd be like what are you doing he's like i gotta go to work and he'd just go back and he'd work on beats and put down raps and then he'd wake up and he's like oh i wrote a rap about the show and you're like what and he's like wrote a rap about the go big show bert what was he saying what was this rap about me uh burt bert make do it till it hurts burnt burp something like and that's the way he is and doesn't not a big drinker i was telling my dad my dad's like he's a big drinker when we drank together he pulled out uh the mixer like of margaritas yeah and was like do you want a shot and i was like there's nothing in that and he's like real i was like yeah he's like i'm not a big drinker and i was like no [ __ ] you're about to drink the margarita mix it's the tequila so he is what you want your alcohol converting to weed to be you realize that like he's all about weed he's all about weed i asked him why he doesn't drink man maybe he should answer that question okay um it wasn't bad though but it was like it was just he didn't like he doesn't like being out of control yeah i understand that and i was like oh i love them not being in control i i i definitely identify with that that's why i don't so funny my therapist does too yeah i don't like i don't like um drinking too much especially in an environment where i'm not like you know for real yeah because i i don't want to feel i don't want to feel out of exactly that i don't feel out of control i do i would never drink like if netflix do a party and they were like hey we're gonna bite a bunch of the comics and you know they've been on our thing i wouldn't drink there you know yeah but if we go to the store i'm drinking if we go like like i would never drink a travel channel stuff when i worked at tribal channel i would never drink at any of their events i don't like drinking like before or during stand-up though i don't like drinking yeah before stand up i don't mind having a drink at the end of my set yeah the last 15-20 minutes having a cocktail yeah i don't mind that i love that i love that that's one of my favorite part really yeah i really tell me about um you said uh you watched a new ted bundy yeah i didn't really think you were this i should probably not uh it's interesting i i could be very wrong he was a real rascal that guy he was he was man he was a roustabout he was a knucklehead if i ever saw one um he uh it's uh so was hitler by the way hitler had some bad ideas yeah um you know it's funny that uh this pod this this ted bundy one is i think is painted about feminism i think it's to promote feminism hmm where did you see this on netflix i think on netflix and it's new it's brand new ted bundy netflix it's it's a brand new one no it's not a conversation with a killer it's about the it's it's interesting so my wife was like the girls need to watch this which i was like i don't think that's not it it's not that one and uh maybe he's falling for a killer yeah it's probably that one yeah i think it's that one that's oh it's on amazon it's on amazon okay and so but that's not that's yeah no no no this one have you seen the picture of this lady yeah so this is the lady who actually had a kid with her no that dated him before dated i mean she had a kid yeah by the way here i have to say this her daughter who i think ted bunny might have molested are you gonna click on the thing is that from this year or from last year though okay so it's last year is that oh is it last year yeah it it's really [ __ ] fascinating but i think it's done i could be i could be wrong or maybe i'm just jaded as [ __ ] as a dude but i think it's meant to promote feminism meaning that this whole thing is a mostly about how rape culture was permissible and the idea back then was like if a guy's raping you let it happen and and then and then they don't kill you and i think that's what this is about but it's fascinating because i my daughters and my wife kept kept i don't even know what they were doing on purpose they were like how powerful how strong she is how brave she is because that was the thing going around the room and then i was like i was kind of you know i'm an [ __ ] a little bit i was like she didn't they were saying hey there's a guy named ted killing women in a brown vw who looks like this and she's like that's my boyfriend and and there and then but what's interesting is that the cops wouldn't listen to her because she was a woman yeah so so it was i i don't know i could be very off on this all i'll tell you is that the girls are obsessed with it we should have entered with the snoop thing we should have definitely closed on snow snoop dogg answered the phone well let's keep i mean hold on a second if you told me if you told me right now if you said to me in oh 1991 i'm sitting at florida state doe campbell stadium and like an a an operative from the future meaning like a guy in a time travel machine comes back he's got glasses on he looks kind of suspicious but he comes up to me at a football game and i'm i'm drinking beer out of a ziploc bag or drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag with my buddies she's like he's like hey see that guy on the field right there i go you mean warren sapp he's like yeah he was like okay he's like you'll be doing a show with him like wait what you'll be doing the tv you'll be doing a show with warren sapp and tom's great who the [ __ ] times girl that's not important that's okay he's a he's an elementary school he's in elementary school right now he goes you know what's even funnier you're going fishing with him and snoop dogg i go the rapper he's like you him and snoop dogg and tom's guy who the [ __ ] tom segura you're going i would never believe this is my life i it's it's incredible that phone call i'm so glad it's recorded it's so great it really is he snoop woke up you woke him up he took [ __ ] 15 seconds to say hello and then and then he told you you're a bad [ __ ] he's been watching your [ __ ] loves the idea of snoop celebration day and then is open to coming fishing it's pretty amazing man and that's all because you own your power how [ __ ] up we're going to get on that fishing trip i think you are you don't think you're going to smoke a blunt oh if snoop yeah if snoop comes yeah yeah i mean it's gonna be and you know like whoever is like you know the captain of the ship's gonna be like guys i'll just let it go gentlemen yeah gentlemen uh could you tell a doggy dog to uh mr dog mr dog dog uh don't throw that in the ocean if you don't mind oh how great's that gonna be we should call warren until we're going fishing with snoop tell him tell him right all right can you believe the people i'm calling i wish i could get rid of that i wish i could be like cool with it yeah i'll never get cool with it i know that people go bert you're also on television but i don't give a [ __ ] it's so exciting that you have snoop dogg's number of course or warren staff's number why the [ __ ] does like how does anyone get comfortable with that like do you realize how much i would abuse uh what's the guy's name who did uh seinfeld rose seinfeld larry david if i had larry david's number [ __ ] can i tell you when i walked by his house no i walked by his house like a few months ago and a a kid like a college kid was walking down three he's like hey tom i know he goes i can't believe you're here like oh yeah i'm just going for a walk he goes it's larry david's house and i go oh cool i don't think he probably wants you to do that and and he goes larry david's house yeah he goes he lives right here i go yeah yeah you said it and he goes can you believe it like you're here right now and you're standing in front of larry davis house i go stop saying that you make it sound like i'm looking for him he's like larry i was like he's like yeah yeah man and then i he sees me walk by again he goes there david right here points to his house i'm like god damn it man they're gonna think i'm stalking him are you calling him call him or sap okay all right what are the odds he answers 20 15. i guarantee you scuba diving right now oh yeah ten percent you know he's at ro i think he's at rohan marley's oh nice thing and i think i think that's where he's been scuba diving every [ __ ] day he is he's gonna be the best your call has been forwarded to an automated boy okay all right he's gonna love it though when he hears that this is gonna be a [ __ ] great real quick though before we go this is a great celebrity day for sure yeah so far what was your dream about it made me smile today it made me smile you're you're you're having a great day it's not even having the i don't think people say that enough i don't either i think you just got to lower your threshold for what you believe is a great day yeah and then start telling people this is the greatest thing i've ever had in my life yeah and then that and then you start believing it it's like the self-fulfilling prophecy dude i listened to jocko wilnings wilnink jacob will willick willick yeah i listened to his book last night it's really [ __ ] good it's really [ __ ] good i believe it um so listen to jocko's book onto onto audiobook yeah yeah and then sleeping throughout it and i have the greatest dream i've ever had in my life and now i've had a lot of great dreams all i'm saying is that i woke up smiling okay i woke up smiling and then i remembered this dream and i smiled throughout remembering this dream yeah on the treadmill i started smiling going oh what a great dream so i guess i read an article that paris hilton's trying to have a child okay with her boyfriend google it and a dog if you could her boyfriend i'm sure he's 23 he's a dj i don't know anything about him but i'm just i'm bald marking it okay what did he search i may drink all day long and lose my power your boyfriend carter room yeah how old is he and what does he do let's see type in go to his i'm sure it's a snapchat or uh tick tock paris looks so good she's 39. she looks great that's young in my opinion yeah i know that she's trying to get pregnant they want twins of course they want twins three or four children i love paris hilton oh he's got weird nipples okay i don't like his nipples hey go play that video i want to see those nipples get them you can mute that and they don't move okay okay anyway all right so i have a dream look up the guy's name and uh let's get his age so you're gonna get a little bit of this okay so in this dream i'm making a movie okay okay and they're they they want to keep my cast carter rerun is his name i don't think it's hard to rerun oh he's 39 too same age what does he do he says he's a businessman oh oh god damn it carter i'm sorry anyway so in this stream i'm making a movie and they tell me i want to keep your cast secret okay and i was like all right i should know who they are so they're like no no you guys are going to live together for a week we're going to put you guys in like a one-bedroom hostel where you guys are it's like big but it's like slumber parties because you love slumber parties i was like i love slumber parties yes like all right so uh so just so you know you'll wake up in the morning and everyone will be there so i'm like okay so i get i get drunk i i fly all the way i pass that you should probably take this the country out that i'm saying so just take it out both times just in case so i get i get drunk i sneak into the one bedroom hostel i get in my bed and i pass out and i wake up the next morning and i'm looking around i don't recognize anybody the girl next to me is totally naked i can only see her back but i don't recognize her but she looks um she's in your bed no no no different beds different beds okay so i'm in a bed there's a like a rotunda right here there's a bed to the far where he's up on a ledge and then there's this girl next to me and a couple of like other girls i don't really recognize them and uh i'm like looking around and all of a sudden the butt the bed that's up on the level the guy sits up and it's tom brady and i'm like tom brady and he's like hey i'm in your movie and i was like shut the [ __ ] up and he's like yeah he was like hey did you go online last night did you know that paris hilton's doing this like uh this like cameo for 608 bucks you can see her naked and the money goes to a good thing and then the girl next to me is paris hilton she sets up and she goes tom and he goes you're naked right now and she goes you better pay that money right so then he goes okay so he hits his phone and he goes 608 bucks that money's going to a good reason and i'm seeing it in person i still can't see her naked yet she won't show me and so i pop up i'm naked and i go hey tom 12 bucks i'll buy you a coffee and a donut right and i show them my dick everyone starts laughing and paris hilton turns around she goes you're hilarious immediately it's on right so like and we're all laying in bed and we're doing that slumber party morning joking and i'm killing i'm killing paris hilton thinks i'm the funniest [ __ ] guy in the world she is like crying laughing and then she says to me i think you should stop drinking forever and i went hold on oh okay she goes what i'm going to do is i'm going to surround you with morons who drink for the rest of your life and you're going to love it and she shows me on her phone a video of us in like greece where it's just guys going bert brewski and i'm like i'm good guys and me and paris are hilton are in love and then we have an affair and i get her pregnant right i get her pregnant i get her pregnant immediately tom we had sex in the stream we had sex in the stream i had to i had to go back to me to talk to leanne about it it's in the new house the house we haven't even built yet i'm in the new house i tell the end i think i might have had a kid with paris elton and all she didn't even get mad at me she keeps going paris hilton paris hilton but paris was so engaging in the stream so engaging that i was like i literally have nothing but great memories of our relationship you're amazing um i think i might have gone one drink over nope it was perfect uh listen i love you congratulations on the great news that you'll share at some point and uh just having one of the greatest days of your life so far this is not even noon still and you know if i can just reel it in a little bit i gotta run still run 1.5 miles today okay and then yep reel it in a little bit i might i might turn it on tonight you're looking skinny i feel skinny i feel good i ran the fastest i've run in a very long time um today i feel good my relationship with my daughters isn't perfect i'll tell you okay i'll tell you about that after we have great shoots planned for our live show we're shooting some stuff we've got i think we all giggled about those we're going fishing with snoop dogg and warsap i really hope snoop comes because i think dude snoop is a follow-through dude he is he isn't a guy that promises a lot of [ __ ] to a lot of people because he gets asked so much [ __ ] he just says no to a lot of people okay and i think you know in all honesty subs are huge uh raiders fan and i think oh actually he's a big steelers fan but like but he's a big warren sap fan and we can get just all we need is a four-way text okay it's gonna happen um cheers podcast on all the ones we've done yeah this is is up there top five yeah i think so i think so um all right we have to run we will see you guys uh next week congratulations again thank you i love you i love you bye [Music] one goes topless while the other wears a shirt tom tells stories inverts the machine there's not a chance in hell that they'll keep here's what we call two bears one cave no scripts a bit of booze amateur patology dirty jokes raunchy humor no apologies here's what we call to bears one cave

Channel: YourMomsHousePodcast

Views: 982,191

Keywords: ymh, your mom's house, your moms house, tom segura, christina pazsitzky, christina p, mommies, jeans, up, high and tight, what's with the jeans, denim on denim, podcast

Id: Zn0xuxSxlVM

Length: 79min 59sec (4799 seconds)

Published: Mon Feb 01 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/Onions89]

I can't fucking believe Snoop picked up 😂

[u/garlic_goon]

First day of Black History month, Bert is "celebrating his power."

[u/tygamer15]

On one hand it's annoying how much they focus on famous people, but on the other, pretty awesome they got Snoop on the phone

[u/BearMethod]

That audio with Cody was oddly high quality.

[u/JuicyTonk]

Bert giving off major Sussell Wilson vibes with his “celebrate your power” story.

Him and Mr. Unliiiiiiiimited would have a lot to talk about

[u/PewterCityGymLdr]

Brunt - "I'm limiting myself to one alcoholic drink today"

*30 minutes later*

Also Bret - "I'm cracking another drink"

[u/2pacSteelAlive]

Bert spent so much time speaking of the trauma being cheated on brought him... and he cheated first???

[u/[deleted]]

Bert just described drinking moderately as a "power".

His epiphany consists of drinking moderately.

[u/Mountain-Papaya-492]

Goddamn Snoop. Idk how you top that as far as bert calling people during the show. If the Cabin hasn't been renewed just use that audio clip of Snoop saying he'd be on.