Ep. 88 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Anthony Jeselnik

i would see him again i'd be like oh this dude he's pretty funny and then like on the third show he was like he was drinking like this much whiskey before he went up and i was like what's going on that's how i do it man and i was like oh this dude's out of his mind yeah i didn't i didn't put it together at first oh i thought people were gonna be stars until i like got a ride in their car then you're like no man you're not gonna make it anywhere like this is a disaster this episode of two bears one cave is brought to you by black rifle coffee company black rifle coffee company is a veteran-owned coffee company serving premium coffee veteran ceo and founder evan havers spent over seven years on the ground overseas with u.s special forces and as a cia contractor whether you're brewing the perfect cup of pour over before kicking ass at work or cracking a can of 300 on your next backcountry mission brcc is here to fuel your way wherever the summer takes you they import high quality coffee beans from all over the world and roast five days a week at their facilities in manchester tennessee and salt lake city utah the team at black rifle coffee is continually researching and experimenting with new roasting methods and coffee origins purchase at blackriflecoffee.com bears and use code bears at checkout for 20 off your purchase and your first coffee club order fuel your summer with america's coffee black rifle coffee this episode is also brought to you by saatva you deserve to sleep on a high quality mattress luckily we have good friends over at saatva s-a-a-t-v-a head on over to their website saatva.com the [ __ ] and get 200 off any mattress of your choice i have been trying them all for years and they are all incredible whether you want the type of mattress you'd find in a luxury hotel or you want a memory foam mattress from their loom and leaf line or you want a mattress that moves up and down has a zero gravity setting vibrates and massages you to sleep saatva has it all why not spend a lot less money to get an incredible mattress to sleep on you don't have to spend tens of thousands of dollars that's what some of these mattresses go for these guys give you a high quality product at a fair price environmentally friendly product and great customer support they have mattress takeaway service so you give them your old mattress and you take your saatva in it's the best go to saatva.com saatva.com the [ __ ] and get two hundred dollars off any mattress of your choice anthony joseph cancel culture [Laughter] what are your thoughts how does it what can we do how can we move forward i think just everyone needs to know the comedians can say whatever they want whenever they want even if it's not funny and you can never get mad or be sensitive because we're not sensitive and we're sensitive about that agreed topic over we are sensitive little babies though i think of course like at the end of the day when people are like you know especially talk to somebody who doesn't work in comedy or something they start asking you questions ultimately i'll be like yeah we're we're pretty we're pretty sensitive yeah we are but you just i mean you learn how to handle yes certain things you know if you tell a joke and the joke bombs like it hurts a little bit you know that's part of the game yeah but when you're complaining about it all the time it's like why are you doing this yeah you know it's like a football player like they get beat up during the season sometimes they'll talk about it but if after every game you were like man that guy hurt me so much when he hit me in the arm like oh like it's just like why do you sound like this yeah i totally agree and i i gotta say like jokes bombing sucks but i don't feel like i ever i don't really go like oh man you know i usually hate myself for the joke bombing oh you know yourself yeah i'm like oh [ __ ] why can't i figure this out dude i've been so excited about a new joke like this is gonna be and then it's just like crickets we're like oh i was so wrong well it's embarrassing i think every time i've ever been like this is the [ __ ] that i'm about like i'll be like so excited that never goes well it's only the one where i'm like i don't know i just kind of thought of this or it's just like literally coming out without a plan and like everybody you're like that that's the one like oh i know when it's like halfway out of my mouth yeah what's going to happen yeah on the p on paper it looks great but reading it out you're just like oh no this is this was a huge mistake but you have to make those mistakes yeah every new joke you try kills you're not working hard no no i mean i also feel like i have a thing where if i get real excited about a really specific word choice like i'm going to say like you know this is the structure of the sentence and i get married to like i romanticize the sentence i'm like oh it's just like it's it's like a sophisticated way of saying this that always eats [ __ ] like you know i'm like i'm i feel like i've written like great literature to say to them and then it's just nothing no yeah you just you completely screwed it up from the get-go yeah and and it's funny to me that 20 years in i could still be so so wrong so wrong like your instincts are just completely completely wrong i have things tonight that are completely completely new and i have anxiety you know which i which i like because i i know it's like it's familiar i go oh this means that i'm trying something this could go poorly yeah and that's the good feeling you go this could go poorly it might go great um but like i'm already nervous about it oh i got a dog during the pandemic like to get me through it and the whole time i'm like man this dog is gonna write me a new hour everything about this dog is great and like i can't wait people are gonna want to hear about this dog and no one gives a flying [ __ ] about my dog yeah yeah i got a dog people got dogs man no one gives a [ __ ] like this one's from korea and they're like we don't even believe you like we don't think not only do we not think this is funny we don't believe you yeah i like right now i don't believe you i don't believe that the dog from korea no i think you made that [ __ ] up yeah people you have a way of saying things where it actually does feel like you could be making it up all the time no i get are you serious a lot yeah a lot it's your i it's the look and the delivery of it where you could be like of course i'm [ __ ] like all right i didn't know you didn't get a dog from korea mm-hmm yeah i feel like it's made up i've had to go the other way too with it like are you serious i'm like no and they're like oh why are you doing this today why are you why are you putting me through this i love i love walking people into like misinformation purposely though it's fun like in conversations i enjoy it but i kind of i call it like the nate bugatti approach where you're not malicious you just it's a yes or no thing yeah you know if someone's like hey is it true that you don't have to wear face masks anymore like yes yeah and they're just like i wouldn't tell someone hey man i heard on the news cover's over you can just go do whatever you want but if someone asks them a dumb question just give a dumb answer and watch them be like okay yeah and nate you reference nate because he's so good at the what the deadpan answer i think he's just talked about like his favorite form of prank is just that like he told me a story once about like being on the road with kurt metzger and kurt metzger pulled out like a thing like out of the hotel shower like a thing of conditioner maybe i'm telling the story wrong but it was like the conditioner is this body lotion and his prank was just to go yes and so he just smears conditioner all over his chest and they have to go do two shows where the whole time that's like what the [ __ ] and nate's just dying laughing he's like it's conditioner man yeah he didn't do anything mean he just like did just help you out yeah that is a great one yeah have you heard burt's theory that nate's a lot like hitler no but i would believe it because of i mean because of the hating juice thing well that's just the first layer okay uh burt's theory is that he goes have i told you how hitler and nate pargotsi are a lot of like and i was like i'm listening and he said you know hitler ran took over germany but he was austrian i was like okay and and uh nate bargati didn't go to vanderbilt but he's a huge fan way too big a fan yeah and that that's the similarity that's all that's all he had that's what he had yeah i guarantee burt like just found out about the austria thing and was like just went down a rabbit hole and that was as far as you could get he likes to say i'm obsessed with history now and you're like you saw 10 minutes on the [ __ ] history channel and he's like yeah he thinks he's like a history buff now because he literally watched the clip he's like did you know hillary from washington like yeah a lot of people know that man yeah weird choice for a best friend man we're just waiting yeah yeah doing great he's doing great when you invited me this i was like people are going to be either psyched or furious they're psyched yeah yeah i've been i've been a guest on a lot of podcasts where people are mad why because they they'll just they i think they don't know who i am or get why i'm funny or why i really do like i get a lot of this guy's so [ __ ] arrogant it's like yep like yeah like i did bobby lee's podcast and people were like this is [ __ ] he's not giving bobby like the courtesy laughs he needs to get going i'm like i'm not going to give anyone courtesy there's no way i've known you long enough to know that that's a reality yeah i mean yeah we were doing shows together in 2000 [ __ ] two or three yeah we started together yeah yeah we should do like uh bringer shows you know comedy [Music] that was his name enz was the owner yeah you know that yeah and um yeah like these weird like where i would i would always know like like oh okay this is gonna be good when you're on the show because i would see people i'd be like this guy's homeless this guy sucks like no then i'd say oh yeah anthony's on the show yeah it was so hard to find the people because in the beginning you think everyone's gonna make it yeah like we're all on our way up we have our different paths but then you start to realize there's like a couple of people a couple of gems and one of those guys from me that i was like this guy is going to go as far as he wants to yeah i mean i'm still surprised that you've gotten to this level yeah for sure but sure uh me too i knew you were like not a crazy person yeah that was the thing is that you would there i remember like sometimes you'd see somebody like that guy's pretty funny and then i don't know maybe like the a couple months later you see him on and it hits you like oh this guy's insane like i didn't know that at first yeah you know there's one guy i don't remember his name that he did he had like a really funny like aggressive rant style and then i would see him again i'm like oh this dude he's pretty funny and then like on the third show he was like he was drinking like this much whiskey before he went up and i was like what's going on that's how i do it man and i was like oh this dude's out of his mind yeah i didn't i didn't put it together at first oh i thought people were gonna be stars until i like got a ride in their car and you're like no man you're not gonna make it anywhere like this is a disaster [Laughter] you see like somebody who so neglects just the inside of their car like to where there's actual trash and then you're like oh this is how you drive around i i don't know what's going on in there but it's got to be exactly a complete train wreck if you don't have the wherewithal to take the garbage out of the front and put it all in the back then and and you invite me to sit shotgun then like something's off upstairs i got i guess it's not that hard into one one time where it was like i looked down and it was just piles of it was the most filthy i've ever seen in my life i mean it looked like a hoarder and then you look in the back and a car seat and i was like dude he's like oh you know he's like i gotta get and they do something like casual like i gotta get this cleaned up like you would if you had like you know a little bit like leaves on the ground you're like yeah you no you need to burn this car man you need to set this car on fire that but hearing that just makes me want to get a baby seat for the back of my car and just have it in there and have like a baby doll and just like lock it up out in the sun and then just wait like do one of those pranks where they put the baby seat on the roof of the car that jackass that's the funniest thing jackass ever did yeah it was drive off out of the mall with the baby state on top baby so funny i mean seeing the real genuine panic on people or they also had the one that i loved where um the guy uh the guy has somebody in the trunk but like on purpose yeah and the trunk pops and the person was like they're all tied up and you see people and it's also like interesting to see people who are like oh yeah anyway like i mean that's how i would be in l.a that's how you would be like they must be filming a prank show or something either as a kid watching hbo and they would have random prank shows from like around the world and there was one where like even thinking about it today makes me laugh so hard that they had the balls to do this where somebody would walk up holding a briefcase in the middle of a crowded street drop it and then take off running and everyone thinks it's a bomb and they all scatter and run away it was on some prank show in i don't know what country it was in because japan does the wildest [ __ ] it may have been japanese it may have been just one of those european countries where this was happening a lot eastern but to make people think they're about to die in a bomb yeah is not a good thing there's a japanese prank show that i saw i was christ to watch these and cry because all their shows are absolutely insane like what flies in japan is so crazy and they have they had this prank show where they they walked like a couple into i think it was like look at this apartment right so like a real estate thing and then they had like like special effects guns shooting into the apartment and like glass shattering and and people screaming and they're like like total panic and they're covering them like stay on the crap like screaming crying and then they're like it was just a joke the people were fully [ __ ] panicked you must not be allowed to sue anyone in japan i i think i it can't be man there was one i saw where the guy's just walking down the hallway and they must have like known there were like pranks going on so they're just like they're kind of okay but like the floor falls out and he falls into water but it's boiling hot water so the guy's desperately trying to get out like no laughs everyone's trying to laugh and he's just like like survival getting out of it and just mad at everyone doesn't want to look at anybody but i'm like who thought of this why not cold water right cold water would have done the same job and then everyone should shocked him yeah yeah the hot water he's got boils and [ __ ] now i knew a girl when i first started doing stand-up who had been on a prank show that never aired it was like a pilot and when one of the pranks is they would be in like a like a motel six like a cheesy motel and it looked like they were doing surgery on her she's like in makeup where she's like half naked on the bed and they're pulling out organs like black market [ __ ] and they would order pizzas and then try to get the delivery guy in and close the door and have them freak out and one guy sees this and dives through the window dives out the window out onto like the balcony completely just destroys himself he's all cut up but he was he was an illegal immigrant and they could not get him to go to the hospital they're like we'll pay for all of this we'll take care of you and he was like no no no fought for an hour they like put bandages on him and he left and they ended the show they're like we can't do any more pranks like this is terrible yeah and i mean those people need to stay in their country man it's like if you're gonna if you don't have a good sense of humor don't come here don't come here you know what i mean we're just [ __ ] around man yeah just god we're just pranking around yeah yeah why are you being such a dick about it man we pay better for our pranks we totally do but i'm telling you man in japan it would be interesting to figure out like how they get away like even that one that i saw that i was telling you about that is so traumatizing you know i mean to like to have like the glass shattering and they had like it looked like there's bullets whole you know like like you see in a movie and these people were like absolutely screaming for their lives and then they're like haha yeah it's ptsd for you you're not getting over that anytime soon you're never gonna go look at an apartment again but something about like just like america is so litigious yes i remember being going to germany when i was 18 with a bunch of friends and going to a water slide park and in america there's a lifeguard every five feet you know there's like two up at the top there's some of the bottom like you do anything you're getting a whistle there was one lifeguard for the entire water park in the middle so like we were just eight guys diving down a slide together when you hit the bottom you just like it's a pile up and you're all just like laying there groaning yeah and then but guys please don't do that this is in germany yeah they just they don't sue the way people sue here and you can pull off anything i wonder why that evolved like why it became such a litigious you know like why i mean because famously every time you think of like us being a crazy country with that i always think of that mcdonald's you know it was so famous the the person burned themselves and they're like i'm suing mcdonald's but that was a severe burn but wasn't it like you they just a severe burn of super hot coffee no it was like they made their coffee way hotter than any coffee ever is and they ended up like the amount seems insane but it was actually just the amount of money a mcdonald's made in coffee for one day really like it wasn't that much money like mcdonald's deserve to do more than what they ate so they and they burned the [ __ ] out of this person oh i mean beyond third degree like major surgeries yeah and they've been getting complaints for years the coffee was too hot it was just how they decided to make it but yeah it was like you couldn't drink this coffee for an hour after you got it yeah that lawsuit's more legit than you think but like in russia the way they have dash cam videos it's because people were jumping in front of cars to try to get money and try to get insurance money so it's like i'll put this dash cam on and now no one can sue me for this right so it comes around they don't [ __ ] around though and also like no there's no such thing as suing like a police officer in moscow that's not happening dude no you could like give him that lawsuit he'll staple you that lawsuit to your neck if you bring it to a police officer oh yeah if you were like i want to sue like lieutenant lieutenant yvonne ivan they'd be like we don't have that guy there yeah yeah he's not here yeah you're dead and keep coming around with that [ __ ] and see what happens to you man this episode of two bears is also brought to you by ritual we deserve to know what we're putting in our bodies and why especially when it comes to something we take every day rituals clean vegan friendly multivitamin is formulated with high quality nutrients in bioavailable forms your body can actually use what you won't find are sugars gmos major allergens synthetic fillers and artificial colorants plus the fresh taste and delayed release capsule design make taking your vitamins easy i've been on them for a few months now i feel great i love taking a multivitamin every day and i love knowing that it's not full of the garbage that so many other vitamin companies are pumping us full of a multivitamin should contain key nutrients and forms your body can actually use to help fill gaps in your diet no shady extras rituals delayed release capsule design delivers high quality nutrients including vitamin d3 and just two daily pills get key nutrients without the bs ritual is offering our listeners 10 off during your first three months visit ritual.com slash bears to start your ritual today this episode of two bears one cave is also brought to you by movement in a tiny apartment in southern california two college dropouts teamed up to create a watch company that broke all the rules with fair prices unexpected colors and clean original designs movement grew into one of the fastest growing watch brands shipping to over 160 countries across the globe you pick a watch that you want to wear and you just you have every design available you can do leather straps metal rubber sporty ones a whole eclectic group of designs that can match or mix and match uh the style that you want for that day you want to go be sporty you wear that if you're dressing up you're wearing a suit you want a classic look movement allows you to have a huge variety an actual collection that you can build movement watches have the look of a high quality 500 watch you're paying for at a department store but cost a fraction of the price because they were built online and owned their process from start to finish like look at all these different styles i love this baltic blue one that blue that's nice that's me man i'm getting the baltic blue if you want to elevate your look with style that doesn't break the bank then join the movement and get 15 off today with free shipping and free returns by going to mvmt.com cave again that's m v m t dot com slash cave um i remember that uh clayton peters uh russell peters brother told me he was going to a tv pitch um here a few years ago are you crying yeah i was cause i was laughing yeah my eyes is clayton still alive he is yes he but uh he slipped and he hurt his knee on a studio lot and um you know they they tend it to him and they're like [ __ ] and they were like you know we're gonna and they're like i guess you know i don't know if we should just get right into like settlement talks and stuff and he was like what and they go well you know you slipped here on the lot and he was like i'm canadian and they're like so he's like i'm just gonna yeah i'll just get a knee brace yeah like my knee hurts but i'm not suing you yeah give me your legs yeah and that was it and they were like he said they were just like you're not are you seriously not gonna sue us he was like no i was on the road once and it was this is like i was staying this new hotel that was like next to the club or next to the theater or whatever and i get in there and they're like they're excited that i'm there they're like oh you got to see all this we want to give you a tour of everything and i'm like and then we've got a bar on the roof it's like this amazing new bar everything's on us like coming here after the show we're going to take care of you they've been raining outside and they're like a smoking lounge and then you'd like you come out of the smoking lounge take a step down and get back into the bar and after i'd like toward the end of the night it's my last drink i go out and have a cigarette and i've i've smoked in [ __ ] five years this was forever ago and i take a step down and they hadn't they hadn't it was so new they hadn't thought to put down like a mat you know when it was wet and i step into like a puddle and my foot goes flying and i just eat it completely like flat on my back on the ground staff comes up people stop mopping someone puts a mat down but no one spoke to me the rest of the night they were so scared that if they were like how are you i was gonna be like i'm gonna talk to a lawyer they just like ignored me sure until i left yeah which i was like i'm not gonna sue i'm gonna have some bruises tomorrow but i blame myself more than anyone else of course yeah they will avoid you dude i slid down the stairs on st patty's they had a bar in new york city like from that one of those like the bathrooms downstairs the whole flight like on your ass on my ass the whole way and when i got to the bottom i was like laid there for a second and then i stood up and i leaned on the wall and then like this guy walked by me he's like damn that like she looked like that hurt i was like i did i mean the the bruise was like deep black you know like huge but i mean of course it never occurred i was like i slept on my stupid ass you know yeah i'm not gonna hey guys the floor's wet it would have to be something malicious yeah me to sue something it was something really beyond the pale but i i couldn't imagine but your own slipping and falling it's i mean never you know but people think like that you know yeah oh yeah they like i mean that's winning the lottery to them remember that there was like a picture that was on one online where there was a walmart where the w was like kind of like was kind of like swinging like it was like about to fall at some point and there was some guy who would just stand underneath it all day and hope that it would fall and hit him on the head and he would get all this money from walmart this is so crazy that people like people ask me they're like oh you know you were able to monetize your injury and i was like yeah because we did a live show after and they're like so that's pretty great huh i'm like yeah no you don't want that to happen yeah you don't want the injury once it happens it's like what am i going to what am i going to talk about on my next podcast right this but you weren't like oh good and i and people are like oh i would i would do that for a check and you're like no you wouldn't man no it [ __ ] sucks to know who's coming like yeah yeah no way you're just going to talk about what happened to you that week and that was what happened to you but yeah you're not no part of you was like thank god dude i never would have come up with something so cool like how my tendon snapped and then my arm did too you're like no it's not i have one of the t-shirts i have one of the shirts you do yeah i have the athletic one that i did not know what that meant when i bought it i thought just a t-shirt oh it's like a workout one yeah so it's like it's like shiny i don't know if we'll have it it's the air saguero one yes i was thinking some new ones but it made me laugh i was like i've gotta have this i'm gonna sing a couple more okay you give me your address i'll give you a little injury bundle yeah i'll do that i'll give you my address you won't do that i'll give you my okay okay i was like he's definitely not giving me his address no no so i always think like because even from the early days like when we would do those those early shows and he always had great like just great jokes it's it's it is like the early who we know now like your comedy now but like obviously like the early days of like surprise jokes dark stuff you know and a lot of times you know we were doing like small shows like bar shows sometimes club shows but i mean you know you mostly had like mostly you'd have really good sets i would definitely see you have sets where there's a lot of like oohs and ah like the crowd like oh my you know groans and stuff but i mean now you do a show like a big show your fans are coming out to see you but you you have to have some epic this did not go well shows right no 100 percent especially at like a festival or somewhere where like it's not necessarily for me yeah a lot of these shows where i'm like one of many you know uh it's it can be brutal it can be brutal like we're back in the crystalia days of the comedy store yeah if joe rogan wasn't there to like balance out the audience and it was all dalia fans he would go out and destroy before they just absolutely destroy yeah and then i would walk out and they took every goddamn word literally and we're furious really just like oh yeah they would go after the door you'd have these horrible bombs or main room i mean it didn't matter belly room i've eaten such [ __ ] in the belly room where i'm like okay but then i go to largo you know once a month and it's my crowd yeah and because i've put in that work where like i'm eating [ __ ] in front of these people like it just destroys so i'm like oh i have to do that it's not like all these guys don't get it it's like this is just part of the process but some people i'm always shocked that some people just take me literally i'll have like i'll tell a joke and someone's like are you serious like i'll hear that from the audience yeah i think of course not yet but i get i kind of get it because some people just think comedians and if somebody is like are you serious i'm assuming you're like totally 100 serious yes but it just happened to be people laughing you know like i just i don't normally perform at comedy clubs but normally this is my ted talk but tonight i showed up here yeah i mean there's nothing like following a murderer in one of those rooms like especially at the store and you're like i don't like it's either gonna be a wave you can ride or you're like that was for that person you know i'm so the opposite like nobody wants to follow sebastian at the comedy store right but it's like i stand very still and i'm like and i use my silences that going after sebastian is is kind of like a fun challenge for me yeah that i don't worry about it there's nobody that i really wouldn't want to follow unless they try to be just like me i have to be careful picking openers on the road because it's always like the one open micro kid who's like whose dream is to open for me like i'm going to see him and be like yes that's what i do come over here for me but you're like the same thing yeah it's like i never want to see that yeah i'd rather see nate book gatsby i'd rather watch you you know there's like there's like five guys whose specials i watch or i'll watch in the room yeah uh and usually i just don't want anything to do with it i can do it i try to think in this way too about um some bringing someone open for me where i go i want that person to be a different pov than mine like i don't want a 42 year old white guy with a beard opening for me who's married with kit like it's the same thing like you know that's what i like to bring like women or it's like a single black guy or you know i mean like a latina woman so it's like at least the pov that you're hearing is different than the one i'm about to do right after it yeah you know i want someone completely different from me and old enough that i don't hate them by the end of the weekend you know i mean you've brought someone who's like cool but just too young yes we're like this is this isn't going to work like i can't talk to you yeah yeah i know i don't have a problem with you but like in 20 years we can we can talk yeah like they're they're like life experience their energy is totally it's like foreign right yeah if you're 22 if you're only in your 20s even unless you're like 29 i'll maybe i'll give you a shot but the 20s i i want nothing to do with do you have a regular like circle of openers every tour i pick a new a new circle you know but you mix it up on the tour yeah like basically i'll have like an east coast a west coast and then someone when they can't when they they neither one of those can do it yeah i bring somebody but then on the next tour either they've become a headliners at that point or i just want new people anyway and it's getting harder like the older that i get i pay attention to less of like what's going on in the scene below me so i really like have to you know take someone's advice on like who's who's the who's the new person i should take out and if i recognize the name i'm like okay like we'll bring them out yeah it's hard to stay like totally in touch with that you know like when you have things going on you're like i don't know man yeah i don't know i don't want to watch the show anymore like i'm in the green room until it's my time to go up and a lot of it's like i don't want to see what comics are doing because i don't think it's getting in my head there's a lot of comics i won't watch until after i've done my specials it's like they've got a bit on abortion too i don't want things to overlap yeah but a lot of i just don't enjoy watching comedy the way i did in the beginning we were like yeah oh they've got a new joke oh victor fernando's got a new one like i don't give a [ __ ] like i get i get anxiety i've always been like this too um for for the most part watching sets even locally like you know like watching the show i just have a hard time standing in the room you know like i'll i'll even like let's say in the or like i'll stand that back you know like right by that where the stairs kind of go in and then and i'll watch i can kind of stomach more an act that is a such a departure from my something so foreign to me that i can but like as if it's somebody that like i don't know is in like my wheelhouse i start pacing and i step out of the room yeah and then i'm like they're like all right they got like a minute left i'm like all right now i can go back i should remember like being in new york and doing the comedy cellar a lot like you had there was the comics table upstairs and then to go to the bathroom you had to go down the stairs and walk through the showroom and colin was talking give me a compliment saying i heard one of your jokes walking through because he's like i don't want to watch somebody's stupid act right and the way he said it was like yes like i just don't want to watch your act and i used to go down and watch david tell every time he performed and then i started doing his mannerisms and i'm like i've got to stop this right now yeah like part of is you just don't want to pick up there do you remember um i dressed like him for a year a lot of people a lot of people i could show you a picture of me of like in a black jacket in a logo hat and i'm like holding the mic like this and i'm like and you're like you like to tell like a little bit yeah yeah but i mean it was like i thought that was that was like what you would do you know i mean like i when i saw him and i go like oh this this is what i should do i didn't even think i was doing something wrong i mean if you had seen my first like six months of comedy before i got into like the shorter jokes and some things that didn't have anything to do with my life you would have be you would be blown away by the dennis lyric influence oh really it was a heavy heavy dennis leery influence i just thought that's what comedy was like i would be at open mics in la where it's hot as hell and i'm standing there with my leather jacket over my arm and it's time to go on and i'm like gotta get the jacket and point at everybody like i'm shocked if i ever see an old video dude i i have one that was just sent to me oh my god it's so hard to watch i mean so hard to watch and this is my before my hotel phase was is you're gonna laugh was my rock face my chris rock face i swear to god i would pace crouch i would hit punch lines like this with this hand i mean i didn't realize i see it now doing this thing yeah i didn't realize it at the time that like he was definitely he was the guy right before i started who i was like this is the best guy and then so when i started doing i'm like i'm just like mimicking who i think the best guy is you know and then yeah it just it's it's so cringy like it's it's hard to watch oh i i toured with chris rock a couple years ago he was like do you want to open for me it was like me michelle wolf and jeff ross on his european tour and i was like [ __ ] yeah like arenas in europe yeah i'm definitely in i was like i'm going to watch every set he does and i'm going to learn from the master and after watching it twice i was like there's nothing i can [ __ ] take from this guy yeah you know what i was like be more like a preacher like he's just so great at what he does yes that i was more like what are you doing the green room before like oh you've got like a vaporizer thing that just like they that uh you you have someone read through your notes from the night before so you just like kind of half listening just kind of soak it up like that meant a lot to me yeah watching him on stage i was like you're too great to learn anything from yeah i was so i mean i try to tell people now that you know you forget that these these time periods you know they just they just go away but i go you don't understand when like bring the pain came out this was pre you know you're not streaming anything this is like so it's an hbo event where people were like this is the thing and they would do like four a year they'd do like carlin chris uh robin williams and you know like one other like huge like that was a special it wasn't like today and man i remember seeing that special and being like what in the [ __ ] like i had never laughed so it was like so smart so on point like everything was just like right on the nose like and i just i mean i was blown away you know and then i just i yeah i just wanted to be that guy yeah i mean that that special i think was a turning point for a lot of comedians i just never seen someone take batting practice and knock every single pitch to the [ __ ] moon like it was every single thing killed oh this is did you watch the special about bring the pain no i don't think i did there was like either amc or a e it's a in the past couple of years it's really it's a joke about it it's a dock like it is talking about about it yeah where he like he's watching clips of it and it's like how he got how we prepared for it and the fact that he went to washington dc to do it as opposed to somewhere else meant a lot where like every bit of it's amazing there's one point where they show him the like the famous i love black people i hate the n-word yeah yeah and it's showing like ava duvernay being like why did he have to do this like i love the special but why and all these other people being like oh i wish he hadn't it gave white people permission to say the word and then chris was like i stand by it it's funny as hell yeah it's the best it's it's so great to watch i remember i didn't see that but i remember him talking about because that bit became like such a like a signature bit of the time not even of the special you know like and he was saying how um he goes i did that that bit i think close to the taping i think in oakland yes and he's like it went really poorly because it was all n-words yeah they were like we like to tear up the club we like getting turned onto the club like why are you making fun of us yeah we bought tickets and then he goes but i did it in you know dc and it just yeah i mean that whole bit the bid the whole special it was just genius you know so i think once i was like yeah i'm doing stand-up now um i was like well obviously i i mean i don't even think i consciously was like i will imitate him but it just kind of no well your first year you get a lot of great you just you just imitate what you you've seen work from other people whenever you get laughs for you keep doing by the end of that year you better have your voice yeah or you're in some trouble yeah you know dude i was talking like him too talking like a towel no like him like chris rock yes yeah i did the thing that really that i caught myself doing a tell was a tell would do this thing where he would try out a new joke and by watching him every night he knew what was new and it wasn't he would try a new joke that wouldn't get a good response he's like yeah all right and then you tell an old joke that would always kill and the audience would go nuts and he'd go and just that's so funny to do yeah that you're like mad at the audience for laughing at like an older joke then i did that once and i was like i've got to cut it out oh i see yeah yes again i remember fun manners i did a six like a six show weekend with him in brea and it was one of those things where like thursday night he had this one joke where the punchline like killed right friday and i like the joke i love that joke so i'm sitting there just watching him on friday early show he gets the same joke changes the punch line to something that doesn't work as well late show a third punchline saturday a different i was like he just was trying things every show he's always cycling through i was i watched it i was like why would you stop doing the one he's like i'm just trying to get a better one i was like yeah i couldn't imagine it but i mean david tells like the most pure comic yeah ever i can't think of anybody uh they're like not that he's the greatest but when you think of like a stand-up comic and like what you have to do yeah to keep it going it'll be a sad day when that guy retires yeah and like also just to be um the way that he stays i don't know what you want to say motivated or just like driven to keep you know i mean to keep working because i would think at a certain point you're like i'm not going to work you know but he like works at it he likes to work he doesn't want to do a special he doesn't want to do an album he wants to keep working with the same stuff and keep like and molding it and perfecting it need like i think you know doing the actual show being in that moment is what his goal is yeah and so he gets to do that a couple times a night whereas me i'm like can't wait to like every time i leave a city i'm like i'm never coming back here again no matter whether it's great or not it's like i'm just building to the special and it's like i never have to do it again then you start from scratch yeah cause i think we're on this like we have the same like you know we've we landed in this time where that's how you work right like in a way that you have the option to yes you must need to turn it over i always like just think i want to write as many jokes as i can in my lifetime you know that like the the sooner i put out a special the sooner i have to do it what i love about you and like i think nate does this too is like you'll be like the special's coming out on august 13th tour dates start august 14th for like the new thing that i'm like oh that is just [ __ ] printing money because it's like i do a special everyone's like oh we love this special you're not going to see me in the road for years because i've got to build everything up but to have people be like we love this we get to go see him right now yeah is amazing well i i mean i i remember we talked about it one time we were like yeah your like your story about going to the zoo uh would be the equivalent of me writing like 60 jokes you know i'm like oh yeah because i like just i have jokes in this story but it fills up 10 minutes yeah i mean i'm jealous i'm legitimately jealous of how low your bar is yeah it's pretty low yeah yeah i'm just i mean it's just like i talked to my dad today this episode of two bears is also brought to you by raycon i don't know what your summer plans are i plan on going out on the water i plan on spending a lot of time outdoors going on walks that turn into jogs that will eventually let me run one day and i plan on listening to a lot of music while i do it and i'm going to use my raycons a pair of wireless raycon earbuds in your ears makes all 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your first order at tommyjohn.com bears go to tommyjohn.com bears for 20 off tommyjohn.com bears see sight for details i've tried to work in like a story and the audience is like yeah yeah waiting for the twist and i'm like this is just a story yeah but even if it's funny yeah we need that we need the twist well i'll write a joke and i'll just be like i wrote a joke and then i i'll do it and i'll be like that's what you get for this hour and then i come back to what else i'm doing i just i mean i don't know like you guys i was always blown away by it like by like pure joke writing you know and like i always had i remember i was trying to do stories before i had the skill because you realize it takes a skill set to do them well not just a skill set but experience yeah my 22 year old telling stories is a lot [ __ ] different than a 40 oh yeah and i and i didn't i mean at the time you don't know it and i'm like i remember just trying to thinking that this story was funny and like trying to and having it just absolutely eat [ __ ] but then like 10 years later remembering the story telling it and being able to make it work yeah you know but like the only thing worse than that would be like political comedians when you're in your 20s are you oh yeah why yeah why are you trying to tell anyone how to vote so it's so funny yeah i mean most comedians i know they're like i don't even respect uh a commit someone who's a comedian in their 20s like [ __ ] like that no like i don't hear anything you have to say no nothing that's why i went to jokes because i was like i'm sick of eating [ __ ] with my stories yeah that no one cares about like but if i can do jokes like maybe i'm from another planet and then you write like when you were writing for television like the late night guys you're just like writing like dozens of jokes a day right just oh i was i was writing like 75 80 and i was it was different because i started on the show it was me and one other guy what 75 80 and we didn't know what he like he didn't have a voice yet so we didn't know what he was gonna like day to day he wasn't like oh he loves this topic this is fallon he is his fallon it wasn't like he was like oh if alan's gonna win another octomom joke he would be like psyched about one one day and not want to hear it the next things get all got old quickly so we're just like firing them out instead of writing your best 10 and giving those in you just have to give him 80. and be like maybe he'll like something from this but they wanted numbers jesus how many of you are like 80 do you feel like these these are like south like really solid i'd have maybe five that i would be like if this got in the show i'd be happy yeah i remember one time i wrote on a pilot for uh jonare video game one yeah the video game when we heard himself yeah yeah uh and kumail and i were writers on it along with a couple other like writer producer guys and uh i had this joke i forget i forget the details of the joke but it's like it's in the script it's gonna be and um i'm like pulled jonah side i don't know why and i'm like hey you know the whole thing is man like don't like if you don't like any of these like don't don't say a joke you don't want to say he's like i don't want to say that one and it was mine i was like you give it a shot man just like yeah you know i mean like just see if you like it he was like i just said i don't want to do it i'm like yeah but i think we should leave it in and i didn't tell him it was mine that's better i had a guy once come into me on a show it was like the burn or something like like a jeff roberts roasting show and they're like why don't you want to do the writer comes he's like hey why didn't you want to do this uh this one joke like i'm like i usually come in with my stuff yeah and whenever i do like a talking head thing they're like so we're gonna ask you questions i'm like no no let me cut you off i've written down jokes for all your questions just let me just say them and if you want to like ask it again you can but like i've i do my thing you know and uh and the guy's like why didn't you want to do this one i was like oh i just didn't like the joke i didn't and then i halfway through i'm like why and he goes i wrote it i'm like don't do that to me don't come in and ask like why didn't like the joke when yeah clearly said no yeah you don't need the reasoning yeah but yeah i did another one where a different comedy central pilot where i wrote on where the head writer i mean i'm like total newbie i don't know what i'm you know like how writing staff drop none of it works he's like he gives me these note cards and he's like you know here's like five jokes of like for each topic and there's like five topics so he's like just pull out like he's like pull good ones for each of these topics so like i pulled for the five topics and it's all the different writers jokes like for the of the i pulled mine out and then he was like are these all yours and i was like he was like no man we got it we gotta mix it up i don't like that i realized when i was a kid i'm the oldest of five kids it was like five kids in seven years and uh we went to montessori school we all got a montessori school and this is like the year after i've left like i've got three sisters in the school at one point and they're doing like an end of the year presentation and my dad liked it was like an amateur photographer and they were like tony uh tony justin like would you do like the slideshow of all of the of all the kids and they gave them all these pictures to do a slideshow and then they're sitting there and they're watching and it's like a picture of my sister's playing and they're like oh i took another picture of like one of my other sisters and everyone's like oh like the first 20 slides are just just his kids it's just his family he was like well those were the best pictures everyone was mad yeah of course like absolutely the best pictures of your family dude how did you not think this would look bad i don't know this about you so that's what i wanted to ask this is like the the time where there's just like so much uh heat behind conspiracy theories like it used to be like fringe like when we were kids you'd hear about somebody who's saying something like you know the moon landing and you're like what and then now it's like because of social media because internet voices are louder you're able to like round up more people about it what are you a conspiracy theory guy or no i think it's the dumbest [ __ ] in the world okay i think it's the dumb when people are like do your own research like there are people that do the research like who've dedicated their lives to doing the research i believe them like i believe science i believe the new york times and i think these people are all nuts the fact that like the flat earth is becoming a thing again is completely insane to me and they all sound like have you ever seen uh there aren't there's there's clips on youtube of uh flat earthers conducting like a real scientific experiment and and then the experiment reveals that it's not flat and they're like the [ __ ] man and they're messed it up yeah yeah yeah they're blown up there's multiple clips like that they have like millions of views and you see them they're like oh man it looks like it's not flat they're like super upset yeah they're like committed themselves to this i don't know what they get out of it even like the moon landing i don't know what you get out of believing that it didn't happen yeah i don't know i mean people you talk about like the frame rates and it looks like there's wires there yeah i mean the funny thing about like something like that you go do you realize the level like the level of communication and agreement that it would take amongst this many people to keep that secret you would have to kill every single person who was in the room to keep that a secret how many people were there the government [ __ ] up so much stuff the idea they could pull that off is you can't get four people to agree on an appetizer you think that [ __ ] 300 people in a space are like oh we're all we're all gonna be quiet about it no one's gonna want credit for filming the moon landing for faking that at some point it's it's wild yeah okay so that's because i'm basically like i hear most of them and i just nod i'm like that's nice like when somebody shares their but i just don't i don't really engage it i just kind of go like i can't believe you think this it's so dumb to me that i can't if i even try to respond but but i just don't hang out with people who yeah are like that yeah it it boggles the mind that you would not listen to scientists i remember like a political cartoon being like someone's it's like they're on an airplane and they're like i'm sick of these pilots who think they can do everything who says i should fly the plane it's like that's what you sound like to me yeah like these people train their whole lives to do this i hated science as a kid i hated math so people who like didn't and were good at it i believe them when they tell me things do your own research is so stupid it's all that that q anon [ __ ] yeah did you look into it man like if you look at these videos like watch this video i sent you and you'll realize that fauci's full of [ __ ] you're like the guy has been doing science for like 70 years i believe him yeah yeah or when people go like you know somebody like vouch you get something wrong i'm like yeah i mean that happens too you know human beings and he admits like yeah at the time i thought i was right and now the data changes so like science can evolve like okay we didn't know we were dealing with yeah that's fine that seems reasonable to me totally you know i don't know yeah i i they i despised them all yeah i mean that the there's like such a it's such a loud voice now it used to be like you know clearly somebody just walking in circles at a bus stop you're like that's a conspiracy theorist you know and it's like you got to respect my opinion it's like that's not your opinion you're totally wrong yeah you're totally wrong yeah i don't have to respect that yeah like you respect my religion like i'll respect your religious beliefs but i'm not gonna be like oh yes of course like this on the third day like i can't do that yeah you hear that nadav that was for you can people like people listening to the podcast can hear them laughing yeah yeah do they get paid by how loud they are no no no no they just they just some people love it some don't yeah i can believe that um so one thing i learned about you just before we rolled today i cannot believe that you were in a fraternity i was in a fraternity yeah i just that doesn't add up to me like bert kreischer i'm like yeah we went to very different schools like florida state fraternity is way different than a tulane university fraternity like there were only like eight at the time i think there's like five now i mean that's too late yeah they kept getting kicked off because you're in new orleans you don't need a fraternity yeah that's true like you just went to bars all the time even in the fraternity we went to bars all the time but like my my freshman year my first semester freshman year i i had friends who on the we live on like a co-ed floor we all became good friends and two of my friends were like very gregarious would go out and meet people and they got like early bids into a fraternity this fraternity called atl and they're like yeah these guys like the crazy ones they're like not like they don't do like the normal like formals and stuff they're just like the idiots like animal house and that rang a bell on my head i was like i love daniel miles so one night me and my one of my other friends drank like an entire bottle of whiskey like pre-gaming and then could not go out we like couldn't walk so our friends just took us down the street and just opened up the fraternity house they had the code because they'd already been let in and just threw us on the couches and we pass out for hours we wake up don't know where we are destroy the house flip couches tearing things off the wall throwing things everywhere and then we went back to sleep so the fraternity guys come home at like three in the morning and they're like what the [ __ ] is this and i'm like what the [ __ ] is this and they loved it so for the night they're like you guys are awesome like you guys are crazy and they we spent the night breaking into other fraternity houses like tearing [ __ ] up and then they just loved us for the rest of the year and then like in the next semester when it was supposed to be like that's when you actually rush and do everything yeah my grades were so bad my parents were like you were not going into fraternity so i had to like like sneak under the radar and do it and i hated pledging so much yeah being a pledge and like all these guys being mean to me and at the end of like we're brothers now and i'm like i hate you all yeah and so for like the next three years i never paid dues i never came around like i lived next door to the frat house my senior year and never was there so you didn't really participate no i but my best friend to this day who i have like a podcast with was in that like i wouldn't have met him if not for the opportunity but we both knew that this was not for us and just kind of went along with it but at tulane being in a fraternity meant nothing because you just again you went out to bars and drank wherever wow yeah yeah i um i remember i had my like reservations about it you know i went to a really small school and i was like man i don't think i should and then uh a couple i forget what it is that a couple of fraternities offered me you know or whatever it is to the bid yeah yeah and uh and it was like in the mailbox at the you know student center and i didn't do it but um i remember this felt frat like that on the freshman hall there was a real [ __ ] lunatic in one of the dorms and he had a very passive roommate and he this dude was a [ __ ] real crazy person so you would hear death metal like loud as [ __ ] coming out of this room and you go down there and you're like hey what's up and it's like it could be like 11 o'clock at night and it's full blast and you're like what's going on and his roommate is sleeping and i'm like how was he asleep i mean full blast and he was like it's my [ __ ] room you know i was like where he goes you want to see some [ __ ] and i'm like yeah okay he goes check this out and he put on brass knuckles i swear to god and he goes watch this and full over the top punches that dude in the ass cheek and you you just see a guy who's completely just go like he would wake up and i would sit there and laugh so hard but i'd be like you're a [ __ ] monster man oh he would do he would feel like that felt like a fraternity he would do horribly abusive [ __ ] to him my freshman year i'm like i'm so excited to go to tulane i'm so excited i'd never seen new orleans before i went down for my first day of school yeah but i'm so pumped and i get there and my roommate is a navy rotc kid he's got the shaved head his room is immaculate he's shining his shoes all the time he wakes up at five in the morning every day goes to bed at like 11 and i was a nightmare i was like a total nightmare to be a roommate with because i was going out drinking all night coming home at six in the morning like just like snoring all day my room was inside the room was trashed never did laundry and i found out later on that when you fill out your roommate forms and you're like what kind of person are you like on a scale of one to ten are you messy or clean i put like i was honest about who i was i'm a future comedian this is how i act you really did yeah and my dad before he mailed it and looked at it was like not my son and made everything like a one which is how i got signed up with a rotc kid and after i found out years later and i was like dad you ruined his life yeah like i still just did whatever i was gonna do right that kid i mean he could have made friends and like had a real social life at school yeah like you you were awful to both of us that's yeah that i mean having somebody set you up with the wrong roommate is a big [ __ ] deal yeah um i i had like a real weird like rich kid freshman year um who had spent he he saw him like how i lived and he was like i don't want to really spend a lot of time in here he would he would leave for long weekends which was great and then i we had bunk beds in the freshman dorms and i would let people sleep in his bed which is so disrespectful and then he would get back and he'd be like did uh did someone sleep in my bed and i'd be like no he's like there's long black hairs in my vet and i was like i don't know man housekeeper probably i used to put on my roommate's navy uniform and walk around when he was out of town for the weekend someone's like you will get arrested you will get thrown into jail for wearing a navy like a navy uniform that's not yours do not do that and i was like okay all right thanks for letting me know and you'd wear that around town i would just wait around campus i think it was funny holy [ __ ] thank god like if any of the navy kids saw me they would just beat the [ __ ] out of me on the spot but really i would just like wear it around the quad thinking it was like hey check it out is it like like the the whites or it was like a navy blue you know over but it was clearly a navy uniform how did you get it it was in my roommates my roommates oh wow okay okay and then you guys are are you guys is this the one you're friends with now or no no no after freshman year he was like do you want to live together again i was like you're out of your mind i'm going off and getting a house and like i've lived with that guy that guy's my best friend now we've lived we lived together in like five different places oh wow is he the one you podcast with this episode of two bears also brought to you by bud light seltzer bud light seltzer launches limited edition retro summer tie dye variety pack look last summer was stolen from us we didn't get to have a real summer so summer 2021 is the chance to make up for lost time and this summer we're going to bring the good vibes and we're going to do it with bud light seltzer's new tie-dye pack each variety pack features three iconic summer flavors cherry limeade blue raspberry summer ice these flavors take inspiration from nostalgic summer favorites what are you gonna do i plan on going fishing i'm not gonna lie i'm gonna fish it's gonna be hot out and i'm gonna drink bud light seltzer i don't care that's what i do i'm a drinker who fishes what's your favorite summer moment barbecuing i'll probably do some of that too you can have all the fun you want this summer with the retro summer tie-dye variety pack both are available 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after you did all the prep absolutely fantastic you get great value with them hellofresh is 28 cheaper than shopping at your local grocery store 72 percent cheaper than a restaurant meal without sacrificing the quality go to hellofresh.com cave 14 and use code k14 for up to 14 free meals plus free shipping again that is hellofresh.comcave14 and code 14 for up to 14 free meals plus free shipping hello fresh america's number one meal kit what is the podcast again it's called jrvp the jessel nick and rosenthal vanity project it's uh greg rosenthal is my best friend i'm godfather like imagine the person who would make me god bothered to their kids like how how trusting you'd have to be very he's an analyst for the nfl network so he has like his own podcast he does his own thing and we were like he's an actual analyst for them yeah he's like on tv and stuff and writes for them and at the time uh i was like let's do something together so we would go we would like sneak into the nfl he'd sneak me in the nfl and we would do an nfl podcast like talking about off the field issues and like every week his boss would be like you get fired for this like anthony's gonna be fine but you could get fired but we were having too much fun yeah so at the end of like 16 weeks they were like okay that's the end of season one and then like get the [ __ ] out of here and we ended up bringing it back and you would do it at nfl network or something so like i'm kind of fascinated by this how how did he develop the knowledge to be an analyst you know what i mean like did he play football did he no i mean he doesn't look anything like a football player i don't think he ever played at any level but he obviously so he likes the game but then don't you have to like if you're not working in coaching or as a player he was a smart guy i love sports writing i mean when he lived together we moved to la together and he was working at a production company and hated it and really wanted it was like i want to be a sports writer and god and work started working at fox i would like going on sundays and watch all the games and like help other other people who were analysts like give them uh stats and stuff and then just kept writing and kept writing ended up working for rhoda world remember wrote a world yeah it was like the first fantasy sports thing before fantasy sports exploded rotoworld got bought by nbc and at this point he's gravitating towards football more than anything else i mean because fantasy was so big tennis is huge did you play fantasy no i'm a pittsburgh guy so i can't even imagine rooting for another player on another team i just never got it i i love football yeah you know i've played from fourth grade through high school and like i just thought that football was the only thing i need like you know i mean entertainment wise playing wise i just football football football and people would get so excited when fantasy stuff started and i was just like oh yeah it just doesn't do anything for i don't know what to tell you i love watching the games yeah but i don't gamble i don't uh i don't play fantasy but i love watching like the idea of like my team winning the steelers winning but i lost the bet because they didn't cover is i can't have that yeah that's infuriating to me but yeah he just eventually worked his way up from nbc sports to he was like the guy telling chris collinsworth what to say jesus at one point and then he went to the nfl and he's been there ever since so he but like he has a deep knowledge because like some of those guys i'm like how the [ __ ] do you even know this without like if you're not like a john gruden type where you can like you know you ever seen him break down film you're like oh my god like it's so it's so intricate and like if you're not that type or have access to like a job like that being like a ga or you know something like you're an assistant to somebody i don't even know how they how they because it's amazing when you see it done in real time you're watching a game and immediately the breakdown happens those guys get it wrong like this guy got beat it's like that's not his job yeah yeah his job was to cover shore this guy got beat back like this guy was out of position yeah like so on i think they said like someone said in football on every single place someone messes up right you know somebody that [ __ ] up their assignment or doesn't do which is why do your job is such a big thing you know exactly like but i can't tell you who's doing what i have no idea yeah i mean i i don't i mean i the thing that i love about a great like analyst in a game when you're watching like colin's worth like when you see the play you just see like the sack and you're like oh you got him but like when he immediately tells you how the how protection broke down oh when tony romo tells you what's gonna happen oh yeah it does it's the best it's amazing he's like this is gonna be there this is gonna be a screen right here to the right and you're like what and then it happens he's like yeah i know because he watched film all week and he has you know thousands of hours of playing in his head but yeah i love that man yeah me too because i feel like it's i feel like it's it's something where i already love the game and you're making you're highlighting something to me that makes me go like oh even there's more there you know i can learn more i thought you think you know the game and then you're like i don't know [ __ ] yeah you talked to a pro and they oh like it's a different language yeah yeah i've talked to some pro guys about like little things and and i go like yeah dude in 30 years i've never that never occurred to me yeah never occurred to me i love it though i could watch i could i could sit on a film session i feel like and just eat it up i don't know i don't know if i'd get too bored really like i love watching the games but it's like part of it's the way they're shot i mean the way i mean that that camera is going but it's like if you just set a camera up like wide angle and it's like like practice over and over again yeah i would lose it yeah i just feel like if if it made me feel like i now have a higher understanding of what's going on i feel like i could get into it i mean that dude like now he's coaching again but they said that like when gruden retired from coaching initially he set up a a room like a at an office he got an office in tampa that's just full of game tape like full of tape and he would just go there every day and break down film for himself it's insane coaches love to break down tape yeah i mean there was like a guy who was like a coach at some like sec school and it was like a hurricane coming and then like you got to like you've got to batten down the hatches and wait and he was like told his wife i'm gonna go into the film office and throughout the hurricane i'm gonna watch film the wife was like you're staying here with your [ __ ] family [ __ ] you're not going anywhere and it's like all these coaches just want to break down tape 24 7. the idea of being a coach that gets four hours of sleep a week and is breaking down tape the rest of it sounds like a miserable life yeah and i you know i love college ball and the uh the thing about you you have like a you know a fantasy right your head of like oh i love i i wish i could work in this field you know like like this is a momentary kind of passing fantasy every young man wants to work in sports in some capacity yeah at some time but the reality of a high level college coach is life you're like [ __ ] that yeah where they are they're at the you know they're there at like 5 30 or six and then it's film and it's coaching and conditioning and then they get in their car and then they got to go recruit players and it never ends oh yeah you know massaging boosters you know yeah not even the guys who are paying you under the table the people who are like we'll get you fired if we don't like what you do at this dinner yeah that seems it seems like a nightmare yeah and then you have to have that um that weekly you know like kind of junk it with those people and then you have to do your radio show and yeah and you have to sit there with some [ __ ] who's asking you about the play calling last week when you guys lost yeah every week i mean the only coach the only college coach that i've ever envied that i've been like that guy had a great life sandusky you know jerry sandusky i think just knew like he's not going to take it too seriously yeah you know what i mean like you know it's not all business you can have some pleasure in there we were all waiting for that weren't we so what the [ __ ] uh steelers this year you think good things bad things i have no idea man i really i'm glad ben's back but it could be a disaster i mean every team now she's like our audrey away he's 38 i think it's wild when you go when you think about the fact that like with brady you're like so my entire like working life when i had like [ __ ] jobs and restaurants and then post-production and then i was a and that was an open mic that whole time until today he's been in the nfl it's insane when you're a kid there's always that thing in the back your head that like he's older you know this guy who just jumped over three years like he's older than me but maybe one day yeah i could still be in the nba if i wanted to yeah yeah but now yeah it's it's crazy to see these players like who was it just retired uh the kicker um vina terry yeah vinatari was 48. [ __ ] yeah i mean that's that's insane to me um but i mean the steelers it's like one injury away i thought they were going to be amazing last year and then the defense fell apart ben fell apart i think ben's going to have a better elbow this year than he did last night are you a guy that do you go to pittsburgh and go to games and everything you do like i only get to pittsburgh a couple times a year and i would only get there for like the christmas game which is like a game it's like week 17 nothing's on the line it's a night game against carolina and it's just freezing as cold football i would much rather watch indoors me too i see a hockey game anytime i'm in pittsburgh go see a baseball game anytime in pittsburgh because those are better live yeah especially at those uh those that arena that that stadium but football i hate watching it uh live i hate it i'm kind of the same way like we're i've been to a number of games live and i just go as much as this is definitely my favorite sport i'd rather be on a couch and you know just honestly just enjoying it more seeing the game more you can see everything you have no idea what's happening nba's fun life i don't know if you're going to nba games i have a little bit but i'm not that big uh basketball guys yeah it's not as fun i've taken like my god kids to a game and that was fun to kind of see them people treat you much differently at a game when you show up with little kids then when you then when you're there like two dudes like drinking beers yeah that i i enjoyed that experience but hockey i love live hockey live is the best of all the live sports i've been to a few i've been to a couple of kings games and then like years ago when i was a kid i went to they were called the minnesota north stars before they moved but um yeah the games are it's an intense fun atmosphere just so fast you can see everything on tv you're just like hoping your guy comes from the other side of the screen to the puck like right you really are just hoping you have no idea yeah but watching it live is is really fun and those dudes are savages man hockey players are [ __ ] out of their minds yeah doing that [ __ ] on [ __ ] skates slamming into people with that speed what are you doing like 60 miles an hour you're hitting that they all like smoke cigarettes and get wasted after every game like they don't care about missing teeth and their faces are cut up and they're like yeah yeah they love it that's a little different than you know people who flop i mean listen to like a hockey interview versus like an interview in any other sport hockey guys are it could be the same guy given every interview they have no ego whatsoever they don't say anything that would be inflammatory yeah they're completely the opposite they're very humble the opposite of every other sport yeah that's true i think they really self-police the game yeah i think you're right i've never really thought about that but it must be part of like the the coaching like the upbringing getting into that sport of like being humble like truly and a team player and you ain't [ __ ] and yeah but also it's a humbling game yes you know like yeah just the fact that there's sticks and ice in this [ __ ] puck flying around at 100 miles an hour yeah that's a humbling environment to be like in football it's like the guy's talking about [ __ ] like yeah he's the wide receiver they get to do that yeah we let them do that the quarterback can't get away with it but the wide receiver can in hockey there's no wide receivers everyone's everyone's dealing with it and if you do get out of line they'll let you know on the ice yeah that it's funny because the nfl definitely has like there's diva positions mm-hmm you know why was it dbs yeah big time yeah like the [ __ ] i like i laughed so hard at jalen ramsey like post-game interviews they're hilarious yeah he's he's he's like there's nobody sassing people and then we like to the to the to the reporters he's like did he yeah did it like doing all this [ __ ] you're like it's it is entertainment like when people are like oh pisses me off i'm like that's [ __ ] finally entertaining anytime it makes someone mad i'm like you're racist yeah if this makes you mad if richard sherman looking right into the camera and screaming at the top of his lungs yeah it makes you mad then you were racist because that was awesome yeah yeah that was awesome you just don't like black people that are all sassy and [ __ ] yeah yeah yeah black people that talk [ __ ] upset you yeah you might want to look in inside yeah if you do a touchdown dance and someone screams act like you've been there before oh yeah you are racist yeah yeah yeah and also you've never scored a touchdown never yeah never if i can i used to think like my senior year i almost played high school ball just to be on like special teams like and i'm western pennsylvania where it was like yeah it was the [ __ ] and i could not play football at all but i was like special teams would be fun and they were like they'd get kicked off the team immediately you would like have one hand on a tackle rip your helmet off and be running around like like dancing in circles for 10 minutes like yeah i would go crazy no no no i never scored a touchdown would you play i played d tackle i played linebacker when i was younger i played defensive tackle in high school i played on the o line too i had like sacks you know fun force fumbles fumble recoveries i had interception before all things like i i have a i had a sack where i definitely did a ridiculous uh you know sort of whatever celebration afterwards yeah but it's like it's in the moment you know yeah i mean it's how is it how are you not excited i can't imagine if you score a touchdown especially at that level okay there's [ __ ] a hundred thousand people there what you're gonna be like here you go sir yeah like okay yeah i'm gonna sit here and pray get the [ __ ] out of here yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna do a little dance do a dance i wanna dance i mean i find it boring to hand it to the ref you know i would be mad if i didn't get a penalty afterwards are you going on tour no i've got like i'm it's gonna be at least a year before i can get back on the road seriously yeah that's it i just need to get the material and i'm getting up almost every night but it's i mean it's it's incremental it's slowly but surely uh that hopefully one hopefully in a year i'll have 45.50 i can go to clubs and then build that from 45 to 50 to an hour and then theaters but i can't wait to get back out it's i know dude do you like you feel it now right that things are opening up like it's it's really happening yeah although it does kind of feel like to me it's only happening here i mean in the united states like every time i look at like world news oh yeah um i would i wouldn't be booking those european shows just yet no but like and i think it's gonna get bad again you do yes i think there'll be some sort of backslide i don't know if it'll be as bad as it was yeah but too many people are being too cavalier that uh that i just don't know and luckily like my circle my social circle is very small like you're one of like i don't talk to that many people even when i go out and do shows so i'm kind of like off on my own yeah that i don't worry about myself so much but i can just see and the fact that california is like so excited right now for how far we've come i'm like it could dip real quick yeah and then like things are like open open now i think today's the first day like you don't have to wear a mask at the gym which is big a big thing yeah it was like all over the new like they're like california is open again but this state's too crazy for [ __ ] to just function the way it should you know we have 40 million people yeah but it's like it's some of the states in the south that just never believed it ever that are still have like that are still in in the middle of a an outbreak that i think those guys like michigan i worry about you know there's places that never took it seriously and aren't going to that the one variant comes along and just knocks everyone on their ass yeah yeah it's a really fun time we're living in man really exciting yeah jrvp yep available which day does it come out uh it comes out tuesdays tuesday nights tuesdays it's audio only will you add video at some point if i had something like this i would love to but i wanted to look good you know even when we did we did a one like a live stream buy tickets and since my you know my friend and my producer do stuff for the nfl they had like the the o-rings set up they looked great i look like complete [ __ ] like my lighting is terrible i don't have a good background we can get you some of that stuff though i was like maybe when you guys abandon this for austin then i can i can take it over all right i'll see you in september seems like seems like a lot of work yeah a little bit um it's always good to see you man always a pleasure thank you for coming thank you for doing this thanks for having me and um yeah you guys check out jrvp every tuesday and uh we'll see you next week [Music] one goes topless while the other wears the shirt tom tells stories and birds the machine there's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean here's what we call two bears one cave no scripts a bit of booze amateur patology dirty jokes raunchy humor no apologies here's what we call two bears one cave

Channel: YMH Studios

Views: 1,441,912

Keywords: ymh, your mom's house, your moms house, tom segura, christina pazsitzky, christina p, mommies, jeans, up, high and tight, what's with the jeans, denim on denim, podcast

Id: EfrWaUYx0A4

Length: 77min 38sec (4658 seconds)

Published: Mon Jul 05 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/rice-n-steak]

I can't believe Tom is a year younger than Jeselnik

[u/appleparkfive]

I'm surprised that Tom didn't know the whole Hot Coffee story with McDonald's. There's a whole documentary about it, and how that defense is used as "everyone sues everyone for whatever!". That woman got burned to hell, and originally just wanted McDonalds to pay the medical bills.

It's a really crazy documentary, and very worth watching. It'll change your mind on the whole frivolous lawsuit deal always talked about.

[u/Facemelter66]

I see Jeselnik watches “Legal Eagle”

[u/[deleted]]

People don't like Jeselnik?

I think he's dope.

[u/peanutbuttertuxedo]

Its nice that Tim can speak with another fully functioning adult.

[u/PrestigeWorldwide-LP]

a whole lotta hidden comments in this thread, haha

[u/Jhonopolis]

Great episode.

What a dumpster fire of a comment section this is.

[u/GOatcheesegotmoLD]

Great guest!

[u/[deleted]]

Jesus, I had no idea YMH fans were such pussies.

A guy tweets a bit of industry reportage, makes enemies with one unfunny fucking “pander to the dumbfucks who drink Monster energy and wear jean chains” podcast, and now you tiktoks have your panties jammed up your dickholes.

Anthony is one of the best working comics, he’s damn near unparalleled on the basis of basic joke writing. This was a fun episode. You guys have your jeans real low and loose on this one.