Ep.61 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Whitney Cummings & Bert Kreischer

i thought you were going to show your boobs there we go we had a mole removed i did have a mole removed here so it's red i have to get it just ignore that but i was on um face time with annie letterman and esther pavitski the other day and i was showing them this like mole removal thing and then annie letterman goes did you get that bra from the holocaust museum [Laughter] how great is that joe 100 hey guys brand new two bears one cave i'm here with my guest host for the day my bestie i absolutely love you you know i do and i want to start it i want to start today off on a i want i want everything to go in a great fun way and i want to start off today's episode with talking about dogs okay because i have the greatest [ __ ] dog in the world okay i have the greatest dog in the world who every morning full mastiff comes in bed tom segura told me uh he was like he was like do not get a [ __ ] mix breathe those are those should be put down that's what tom how's tom feels and i was like what he was like pure breeds purebreeds man pay top dollar puppy mills that's tom that's tom anyway we're gonna [ __ ] all over top today let's talk about dogs for a second because here's the thing here just so you know i'm in your space this is your show everyone listening to your show probably doesn't like me why do you why do you think that i well i just i feel like i don't know i feel like they're coming to see tom and bert and so i just want to make sure i don't interrupt we call you oh don't worry about interrupting i do that all the time no i can't interrupt people i've never listened to this we call you all the time mm-hmm we're you are one of our friends for real why do you bang the table you know that [ __ ] up the sound no it doesn't do you hear that nadav uh no it doesn't mean it's just your you have fat knuckles i don't i have by the way let's jump there then i am down 17 pounds you are svelte i look good when i saw you i you i i i was like [ __ ] looks felt that's what i like to hear and got my blood work back from the doctor and perfect liver perfect mm-hmm not no cirrhosis no cirrhosis shocking no smoking more importantly no calcium in my heart no perfect ekg okay the ct scan where they scan the interior oh is that what it is bert oh what is an ekg explain to me please i'm just a stupid lady what is an ekg i'm doing this character with my daughters where it's a misogynist and i don't think it's a character anymore all right let's hear it let's hear it well are we is he our young our female bullmastiff is female female is such a wild word isn't it yeah why these females yeah oh there's some females there tonight i heard you saying that you don't like the word you used to not like the word vagina well vagina is it's so wild to me that it's a i used to say it on stage when i was bombing at the comedy store when i was 22. yeah i'd be like in my vagina and go ugh you know vagina does sound like a word your mom would use it's a medical term it's in my vagina it's a it's a medical term yeah and then i did when i did two part girls uh i had kat denning's character saying uh their joke in the pilot was um and you make my vagina dry up or something and then there were all these articles written about me saying that i like ruined television i'm raunchy i'm disgusting like i'm gross and uh yeah a lot of these guys came for me and then i was thought of as like a raunchy person really it's so then do you do you what would be your go-to word if it wasn't vagina i don't like i don't like [ __ ] i don't mind posting with my friends i i like axe wound personally stick it in my axles hey just take that hog meat curtain is not my favorite i do okay i don't here's the deal i heard dane cook one time call him meat curtains he was using i maybe i didn't see this can you someone seemed to have a dream about can we work on bert's meds so no but maybe this happened or maybe it didn't okay you need less podcasts let's get you need to talk less live more oh by the way no [ __ ] you need to live without documenting in cancer culture i start going so i've talked for a hundred thousand hours like oh yeah oh no i've i've been sent some videos that are sketchy as [ __ ] i remember when i found out you couldn't send dick pics to people i could cancel you bert whenever i want i can literally ruin your life whenever i want you literally do you remember how we ended our phone call the other day no i think i was probably get this done or i'm gonna tell everyone you raped me and you hung up you hung up and i was laughing and i responded and you weren't there and i called tom i could just you know if we never thought i raped her i did it i know it's a joke you can't rape me i wouldn't say no i could not i know i don't think i just i used to wait would you think we would just die laughing imagine you raping me oh [ __ ] you raping me would be um oh i would just be like oh what are you doing oh my god imagine you trying to rape me i feel like you couldn't i couldn't i've actually thought of it i don't think i could have sex with you i don't think we would be well you know i tried to suck bobby lee's dick one time and we died laughing no no i can't hold on start this story at the beginning and if you think you're going too slow you're not going slow enough no it's like we were just talking i was like let me try to suck your leg let's see where was i where was tom and i are sitting in the back room too you were in pensacola florida just christ you were um on the travel channel at the time no this was like in my like when i was like a kid i used to open for bobby on the road okay so let's put this is a bell bottom whitney wearing uh corduroy backpack wearing new balance wearing god this is before broke girls yes oh yes yeah yeah yes yes when i was by the way this whitney pull up a picture of early whitney not not my favorite whitney i got to be honest with you you like my wife have gotten much more beautiful the older you've gotten i concur you have gotten i concur i saw a picture new money uh oh yeah yeah yeah go to hand hands together whitney hands together oh that's actually a pretty weird no that's that's no i had i had money by then i think what was that is that eating disorder whitney no that's eating disorder whitney next to chris is that no that you know what that is that's whitney working way too hard with it that's vanity fair that's what that's whitney with no health insurance yet eating disorder whitney oh my god i don't like you like that i like you like that i like you like me like that i don't i don't know neither do i i'm ashamed of it i like you like this i'm embarrassed let's roast let's i had a nicki glazer on the other day and i was like can we please do an um a uh [ __ ] roast our old stamp specials go through just roast our old [ __ ] so wait sweet why you haven't told me about the misogynist character wait what were we talking about right before this massages no bobby you talking about me bailey's dead come on no we were just laughing i was just like what if i sucked your dick how funny would that be he was like i don't know i have a good sense of humor and we were just like we so funny like it would just be so hilarious like what would happen and he said we just would start laughing and i was like let's try to do it and it just wouldn't happen and then we were just joking because it would be like would i be able to get past your belly like what did my the your belly be hitting me in the head that's a real question it's like a logistic i like i just get really stuck in the logistics of like how could i suck your dick and like would i throw out my back like it was just like could you catch him yeah like could i be up on the couch hands on the wall would you have to be in like a like a like a reverse like bridge so that i could get to it like have you ever given a [ __ ] and the guy came so fast you you were caught off guard that you were like i just want to oh god jesus christ it's all over the place uh almost like dropping a can that you dr opening a campaign no i've done that i've had that with sex with younger guys where it was like boom oh oh yeah oh okay well now now i have to go to ikea and get new sheets like i was so good at that that i had a i had a [ __ ] the first time i had sex with the anne i came within like seconds and i said to her i think someone's breaking into my house i gotta go check see what's going on after you had sex with her i had i put it in like probably one two like maybe what was in 1944 no this was this was this was 1953. that was my address glencoe 1950 1953 glencoe was my address all right maybe i shouldn't stop blasting whoever lives there it's a great [ __ ] house it's hustle build it be the mill's old house and so maybe it's 1958 anyway diesel b demille's old house yeah yeah he had a stick we had a stage in the corner he used to have a stage where bands would play for parties it was the [ __ ] coolest goddamn house three three stories awesome anyway first time i had sex with leanne condom well i was i was a condom guy i used to believe in aids and uh and uh we could all agree aids was made in a lab and move on and so well now that we have the kovad we know how they do it but what condom yeah i wore a condom when the first time i had sex with them it sounds so weird like i was like i know was it for pregnancy or stds oh i was a big std guy i thought any girl that wanted to have sex was a [ __ ] i have i have really [ __ ] up fear of if you're a fear of diseases fear of i wasn't it's interesting the second liana and i stopped having protected sex i wanted her to get pregnant i i didn't care i was like is that how you knew you loved her because you wanted her to get pregnant yup i was like i want that's so weird because i had a guy that i was dating and like all he would talk about is like i want to get you pregnant like it's so hot and then i like haven't heard from like two weeks and not me wait did wait so yeah i it's interesting so let's go back to sex so you've had sex with guys now i like that your segway is it's interesting no no that's your tether that's your like it's interesting what the [ __ ] am i that's the new what else is happening no no no no no you said you said you've had sex with guys younger that have had to quit yeah well this was when i was like 24 i had sex with a guy i thought you were having sex with 19 but yet no now i'm having sex with like 30 and they that's not what do you talk to him about um he's like a brilliant oh you're not 48 you're still like 30 something 38. yeah oh yeah i forgot i've been 66 for like 20 years you have you have old woman energy i i've always had it i have old man you've got sexual energy and you do and you do you're but i'm i don't think i have sex with sexual energy at all no you're not i'm on antibiotics so i stutter no you definitely do i remember the first time i ever met you i remember i was blown away at how close you were i think i've said this on the oh yes no i said i was we were at the improv i'm almost certain i've said this to you we shut your hands you no we you were talking whatever you're doing you were really close to me and you were like really close but you touched me a couple times and i walked away and i was like this and patrice was like oh [ __ ] touched your face you got no power now and i was like what he goes i saw what happened she just owned your [ __ ] but theresa is there and whatever energy we're doing you're very natural to you but it was patrice was watching it and he was calling it like prison energy it's actually this it's actually west virginia energy i'm like appalachia that's my uh ancestry appalachia who liam really amazing foothills of appalachian whoa so the these i had to go to west virginia last year because i made jokes about it on the the james corden program about being from west virginia and my ancestry and uh i have such a like a like we used to have to like ward off bears yeah with our personalities like in like in the 1700s like in hollers like a hollow yeah that is where dolly parton grew up yeah exactly and and loretta lynn exactly right so like west virginia appalachia people like we don't [ __ ] play dude yeah that is so so where is the poor girl now because you're not poor and you're not and but it's like i come with gifts for your family when i show up you know what i'm saying you don't show up without a gift that's the end like you don't show up without food ever like you protect your tribe did lee did you get the gift bag lands up for the cabin i did and she that's leanne is like that was leon oh i thought that was like a netflix uh is there no way to use any of the footage from the cabin [ __ ] that we shot uh-uh i mean i i laughed so [ __ ] hard during that episode that was so funny and emotional and i do think that that should have a home at some point i wish i wish maybe uh i don't know it's not i i wasted so much time and i'm sorry i know i'm not getting paid to do this why don't podcast guests get paid shut the [ __ ] up why don't why don't i pay my guests i started paying my guess you paid kesha i did not pay cash okay i paid but i did her podcast and i that she's got a podcast yes uh kesha i would be a great [ __ ] guest called the creepies and i never mind and i redid my entire studio to shoot hers at mine i put up tiger blankets and uh for her background we're moving too fast because i want to talk about kesha i also want to talk i feel like this is going glacially slow no we're only 13 minutes in we've got awesome i am exhausted so wait let's go back to the poor girl me yeah because lee i i was watching the word poor i know leanne doesn't either um uh working class okay working class most people normal that's most people no no no what does poor mean because because it's something that i've watched leanne battle with of of getting money and i know that i know that i wonder how i wanted to know what cars you've owned i want to know the progression of all the cars because there is a leap when you guys in your [ __ ] cars no no no it's not it does i listen to burr's podcast and i listen for the ads truly i burr i just live to listen to him try to pronounce the products it's so [ __ ] funny and him trying to figure out how to plug in his computer this is my impression of bird doing an ad and then host ad libs and you're oh oh i should i gotta add live then free and everything so what were you saying about burr um for oh no i just love listening to him read his ads the like confrontational energy he has with his success is so funny [ __ ] funny to me but no i mean leanne i i come from uh west virginia a place called harpers ferry roanoke virginia dc and i was back and forth right so i don't pay for clothes i this is free as billboard would say free or vintage only so there's a hustle in you there's a hustle there's i will not pay for things like we grew up going to flea markets antique fairs um swap meets so if i i'll go to like neimanmarkus.com barneys.com uh netaporter.com all the fancy websites and then shop up i'll see all the things and then i'll go to my etsy app and then i'll just google vest rainbow vest vintage and i'll get it for thirty dollars like you know what i mean yeah so wait here's what i heard here's the juxtaposition the news is um the secret's out that i have a speech impediment everyone knows from my podcast now so here's the juxtaposition is that you go oh all these fans all these fans hate me here's the thing i don't say that you just said that earlier oh you're fancy yeah yeah yeah not my fans yeah no i know you're fantastic they wouldn't be your fans but i don't think they do and i and i think the ones that do are miss have a different view of who you are because we know who you are and i think sometimes you come off as as this uber successful hollywood producer actress comedian kind of beautiful show runner beautiful no sexy beautiful because a lot of every time i've talked to really beautiful women they say you know what's crazy like guys don't hit on me and they're like really and they're like yeah they're i know very beautiful women get guys get intimidated i know i'm intimidated by hot chicks i literally was like i'm not there were chicks that were so hot i'd be like i'm not even gonna [ __ ] talk to them i don't even wanna get shot down i know i'm gonna get shot down i'm gonna pass so but i think that's where it comes from and i know who you are is this like really kind of grounded i feel like we had this conversation on your burt castle no but let us having it again but that's my point is like it's like and then i know that side of you so talk me through every car you've owned from the first car to the last car and i think it just shows a progression of i want to know the car that's a great great question um my first car um well what like from being a kid in my family first car mines i'll go i'll go i'll go back and forth volks volkswagen fox eleven thousand dollars white tan interior so we were fake rich that was my whole thing okay oh safety pin to my shirt that was like your tuition isn't paid for your school and we had you know and like you guys have to give this car back now all of a sudden the car would be taken away and all of a sudden like we you need to give that ring back like there was a lot of that yeah you know my dad was in like loan shark business so i would just have random engagement rings on for christmas on shut the [ __ ] up yeah like who's rhgs yeah i know literally like i was like he would i would get like an engagement ring like a diamond ring and like six years old like hang me so i but there was nothing in the refrigerator you know it was like a very wide the heat didn't work like i caught on fire because i stood on the stove to get warm i told you this i told you this when we shot uh when we shot the cabin my dad represented the church of scientology and they gave him a big that's right yeah they gave him a big signing bonus type thing and said we got all your work my dad worked for them and we had enough money to buy a new house and then we moved into the new house and l ron humbert split and we didn't didn't get paid and so we had a big house with no furniture i remember that just so fascinating big house people are going to think we're drunk this was for my earrings that i got on etsy with dolphins back on subject whitney i can't believe i'm the one driving this right now can you imagine if tom was here all right so so first car tom would be like [ __ ] um oh we're gonna talk about tom he has a bunch of questions he's like how much find out how much money she has i'm like tom [ __ ] jesus um so okay first car that i remember first car that i 16 years old oh 16 oh no this was so all of our mothers were quote gold diggers we have to stop trashing gold diggers we it's it's enough all of our moms did the best they could with the tools they had which was their face and their what did you call it pikachu like they had to hustle for us right and that was they had to cardi b that [ __ ] okay she's white house [ __ ] don't make me think about my mom's sweat i suppose not in your mom's house your mom's wet house [ __ ] house don't make me do this ooh who named jacob i have brands deals um uh so she i had an acura cl was my first car which was very nice we didn't have money it was a lease and i crashed it listening to lauren hill whoa yeah acura cl it was rose gold rose gold rose gold upper left oh upper right oh i like this yeah am i am i and this is basketball whitney this is yeah but also by the way that picture basketball whitney i want to grab her and hug her because it's the cutest whitney there is she was not a game but by basketball whitney was also working with an eating disorder and like doing like modeling in qvc so i was like like basketball whitney oh my god so all for the dads out there your daughters and the disordered eating no the eating disorders are gone now no one gets them anymore keep going at least my daughters don't have them so i just figured they would have gotten them right and they didn't get them so i was like i guess no one gets them anymore keep going keep going so basketball with me adorable a little plus-sized in her head not comfortable with the fact that she's good once last time you hung out with your daughters not on camera and um also it's been a while then why would i do that if i wasn't gonna use them also my daughter just gave me also do you pay your daughters for their time on your show no my daughters just gave me a speech about jokes i was and wasn't allowed to tell in this new world georgia just sat me down and said just give me i said something i said something i made a lighthearted joke in my house about some celebrity who had transitioned which one uh elliott and and and i just made a joke i made it with like a light-hearted joke and georgia was like hey man not cool and i went what do you mean i go i'm in my house she goes i'm just telling you if you're working this out for the stage don't do it and i went what do you mean she goes well just so you know you tell that joke and then everyone knows my dad thinks that way and i went oh [ __ ] yeah i was like oh my god we're going to go here yeah why don't you well then that's probably the joke oh yeah all right you're back in the rotation elliot guess your joke gets told that's genius i'll just tell the [ __ ] joke and then go my daughter's not going that joke oh [ __ ] yeah i love it god damn it all right keep going i have another joke i want to run via can i not just write your act right now yeah can i drive over here to make you richer george lit me up i do not have i said a bunch of [ __ ] like i'm being used so acura next next car you go to college love this on a scholarship i didn't go to college on a scholarship you walked on the basketball team can i do you want me to answer i'm asking do you have tourette's no i just i'm a really active interviewer where do we get to tom cruise's blow up all right okay yeah no i have questions i have questions and i'm already telling you i'm on tom's side i don't even know what he said i'm on top side you interrupt yourself i know by the way this is going to be tom's favorite episode he's going to be like cruz and sagura uh okay so acura cl crashed it uh uh was voted worst driver at my high school st andrews uh college i didn't have a car when i was in philly i took the bus were you at school you went to penn i went to penn but i took night classes at temple out to bill cosby yep keep going night classes get it the cosby show is excellent it was great it is great it was it is great sugar keeps going if those girls just kept their mouth shut i'm like tom you can't say that keep going you can say that you can say it but when you say it you're an [ __ ] we should tell him that when he gets off oxies now go ahead um what did he use ketamine uh cosby no no no i think it was just old school quaaludes you know there was not not to divert this but there was um there was i want to say in someone's book they were talking about how hugh hefner used to do slip girls the mickey all the time the mickey that's what that's what a roofie was it was super commonplace you know i'm obsessed with a little bit of history because you go back to history and you see how absolutely horrible i'll say men i'm just going to say because that's all that history is about sex started being consensual like 25 years ago i would argue five like like because how about any day now i think in a week it's gonna start being consensual last night i pounded some nyquil and i'm i'm not sure what happened this podcast is brought to you by talk space if you're feeling overwhelmed right now then good news is you're human there's a whole lot to be anxious about with this 24 7 news cycle the pandemic divisive politics we all need to 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to practice your bait when you're on the glow go to harrys.com bears and redeem your trial offer today so no no car in philly no car philly by the way i'm just getting to the point when you buy an expensive car that's all i wanted to do okay and then so my dad who is it was an amazing uh uh resilient like huckster magic man did he drink no his addictions were my mom that was that was there was a lot of alcoholism in my family but for alcoholism to be present alcohol doesn't have to be present so there's other kinds of addictions in my family my addiction the cunning and baffling disease of addiction in my family was very insidious because it manifested in other ways like in gifting and cooking and manipulating and money and sex and love and love addiction stuff sneaky sneaky hookers and you know um do you got any of that fairs sorry do i have it oh yeah i wha have you done i mean i don't expect you to like read my book or watch my stand-up read a book or listen to my podcast but i do literally there's memes that are like uh that are so funny where someone will say like uh nobody parentheses you know and then whitney cummings i identify as an addict it's really funny when people roast me on that [ __ ] but um yeah so the codependence in my family is is super severe um so my dad would show up i had a white grand jeep cherokee that i [ __ ] loved can i just tell you what i think i'm going in 2007 i want to say six seven whoa love a grand gp i no no well when i interned at entertainment and went to ucla theater program over a summer um i came out here and i drove uh you don't need to pull up the car i know what this car that's my favorite oh god it's so good there is a thing about it there is i gotta tell you this i like the jeep rubicon i really want a rubicon truck the rubicon jeep rubicon truck i'm i'm in it with uh uh tom on text with the bronco but i just i can't i'm not gonna pay a hundred thousand dollars it's so interesting oh sorry i grew up riding in the back of trucks in virginia uh p apostrophe up isuzu pup pia i know that i know that car google it yeah it's a zoo pop a zoo zoo pup yeah that was my [ __ ] i used to [ __ ] my uncle would drive me to that school and i was so [ __ ] embarrassed about it navy blue yep richie yes [ __ ] richie who is the kid in my high school had one richie valance not [ __ ] balance so i no no we weren't we didn't roll like that exhibit [ __ ] um no mine was uh uh yeah like a navy blue one it was a little like more um um richie bulbus than that uh yeah ish and i would drive in the back of it and have a [ __ ] stick and we drive up and i was always so embarrassed and i'd have my aunt would have dogs in the back and they would jump out of the car in front of all the kids and i was so [ __ ] embarrassed an expense a good-looking car takes an a woman who's a six and turns her into a 10. i will see women that i would never have that's not okay stop let me stop you right there that's not science i know i know the same thing happens with men but like i'll pull up and i'll see range rovers to me you drive a range rover maybe i shouldn't tell everyone what you're rolling around a nice card turns a six into a 10. yeah same things happen with dudes uh-oh it's my nanny from [ __ ] 10 years ago i accidentally called her thinking it was nikki glazer i called my old nanny are you trying to call nikki i called nicki glaze oh i have a question would you be interested is it do people watch my time on this podcast stop stop stop i'm gonna lose my thoughts i have like three thoughts going on okay uh so yes a car a car makes someone better looking but i will be the same or worse looking i'll see someone at a stoplight and if i see a just a regular mom like a regular old mom not that hot but she's in a [ __ ] range rover i'm like goddammit she's hot and i actually did that for leanne and this crazy when i i got i remember leanne had a uh uh a honda civic no no a tour one of those cars right i'm bored listen to me and it gets better okay okay well we'll pivot that's what people like to talk is this what you do on the show talk about yeah yeah usually you wouldn't be talking as much it would just be me if it's tom he doesn't he just kind of just talk over him so okay so then okay let's go back to the subject okay so then cherokee jeep cherokee um now pause and tell me about dreams we had in that g cherokee because at this moment you just start stand up you're in la you're interning for e tell me about dreams no that time i'm driving a kia k-i-a yeah a kia that i rented to to go and then no the the um uh and then i was friends with jennifer love hewitt because i punked her and she let me borrow her range rover and paparazzi would follow me around for real thinking i was hurt i'd be like sorry i always felt so bad so i punked her and we became friends from that jennifer love hewitt seems like the kind of person you'd fall in love with and then go she's the best she's okay you have some [ __ ] with women no i don't yes you do i definitely do i definitely do so what is it what is it no uh what's your problem with jennifer hewitt she won't [ __ ] you so now you have to hate her no i by the way i could totally [ __ ] jennifer no you couldn't i you could rape jennifer love you i know i would never i don't think you have the app i would definitely i don't think definitely i don't think you give me a picture i don't think you have jennifer love who you're dating right now she's married what a list of who she dated and i'll tell you if a guy's on better looking yelling because i because they need to hear me boyfriend history boyfriend history boyfriend history okay yeah oh carson daly i remember those my first by the way by the way my first writing job last call with carson daily my first stand-up appearance last call with carson daly google it i i trust you let's see jennifer loves i know she hated jamie kennedy who's that is this what we do can someone say something about something she dated shaggy i don't think so is that shy these are just photos of her on red carpets oh okay they're just by the way i could have by the way i just for the record i could definitely hook up with jennifer love if you would in my prime not not now i'm married but like in my prime i disagree uh easy easy disagree [ __ ] look at this she jumps around from guy to guy ross macau the guy from [ __ ] the intern from the tonight show ross no oh that's not him who's wrong is this like just a guessing show uh ross macau i'm definitely better looking never mind never mind no no no i'm not no i'm not that was a bad picture okay fine you can pull it up with jennifer let's do it here we go there we go okay so i like jennifer lovely but big fan she's actually not shallow and she's cool so she probably would be like he's nice and funny and safe i guarantee you jennifer loves you it's watching this right now going i'd [ __ ] him um she doesn't know who you are i mean i haven't talked to her in years but i'm sure she doesn't do if you saw her would she recognize you yes because we were friends okay over there i'm friends with people that i would be like hey burkhardt do you see it ever i run into people and i'm like oh are you i'm like oh who's that guy are they famous what a show are they on oh we dated oh i do that a lot do you know who i did that too uh i saw a girl writing in her journal one time and i was like i [ __ ] know her i went i think i went to high school with her and i went up and i went stuck my head over her shoulder i said what are we writing in our journal thinking she'd be like bert and she went who the [ __ ] are you and it was it was reese witherspoon what are you wait i want to send that to her you switherspoon she was that she was at jones on third hold on hold on what are we writing in our channel you tell that story again yeah i was this was i was 27 years old and i saw a girl i recognized at a place called jones on third on beverly i think and i said oh i'm gonna go sneak up behind her i put my head over his shoulder she was writing in the journal i go what are we writing and she looked at me she goes who the [ __ ] are you and it was reese witherspoon she definitely wasn't writing in her journal she was definitely writing i was definitely like writing notes about like taking over the world yeah she was writing in something and i stuck my head over her shoulder my buddy kroy goes do you know reese witherspoon no one i do not 2008 2000 yeah this is like right i think right when she was breaking up with ryan felipe okay don't well no i'm just telling you that's why i thought i'm not just telling you that's what it was okay it's enough um by the way did we just do a side podcast on our podcast okay no i'm texting so let's cut to the chase first car where you dropped a little coin you got it you dropped some coin you were excited you got in it and you felt like a million dollars give me the year give me the car and give me the give me the paycheck that it came from i did a talk show in a c a car talk show literally with lexus the lexus cl hired me yeah pulled up alexa seal i didn't i didn't have this car i was hired to do a talk show in a car it was called like lexus i would go to different cities and do a car show it was like almost like the before podcast it was like a podcast you know and lexus nope that's not it it was uh 2 000 5 2005 likes of cl nope it was a coop coupe coupe um and i would go to different cities no no uh i saw it i know which one you're talking about yeah it was a little boxier that's a little more like cherubic it was a little um that one on the right looks kind of right um and then i would uh drive around with like people that were famous in their town like kind of what shaw's doing with his taco food truck [ __ ] it was like you would go and i'd meet with like grant asha who's like the greatest chef in chicago in the world really um and the uh um agape who uh is that her name uh agape am i saying right a singer in san francisco and i drive around to a talk show with them and they gave me 25 000 an episode and it paid off my debt my student debt and then i got a they did not give me a car but i got them a thousand dollars an episode an episode that was for me that was no that's that's in right now these days i was i was making i was making um uh i was writing for other comics at the time that's the only way i was making money um writing jokes tell me those names under your breath i uh uh thinking what comic's not writing his own act how about this i know i already know i already know by the way the ones that in 2015 the ones that were funny that you're like oh that was a good joke um no actually uh no that was those were just stolen what were you writing for i'm not telling you were you wrong well no that was like when i was opening for a couple women women no i know i wrote for uh well no this is no wait how does this i've never even heard i wrote for katie couric on the matt lauer roast that's fine that's like that's a different thing but that's what i was i was charging to and i was doing um uh selling clothes at buffalo exchange um especially got like i would sleep with like a guy uh that had like a i remember one time oh my god is this a big podcast yeah how many people is it very few keep tell me tell me the guys you're the big podcast tell me the guys yes how many listen very few tell me tell me the guy you're sleeping with we didn't know we didn't sleep together actually we never had sex sean lennon who's john lennon's son was my friend that we met in an acting class we never had sex we were just very good friends like i loved him he was dating bj phillips none of this is b.j phillips is the girl that had the talk show that you're kidding phillips goddamn phillips are they related not at all they're not related wait hold on disney phillips and pj phillips are not related no but you know who is related uh snoop dogg and nate dog that's just racism no i think they're related i'm pretty sure there's jason schwartzman and nicholas cage and francis ford coppola oh i knew that i didn't no they're all in the same family hold on pull up a picture of beijing phillips and busy phillips i want to give a shout out to busy phillips is the kind of like more like gettable one right like the one where you're like like i could no okay not bishop beejee's a flashlight no that's bijou phillips ibizu is a [ __ ] dime okay go to busy and then busy phillips is a very successful actress very good friend of mine that i i love busy busy phillips has got like bombs she should get energy she should play your wife in something busy phillips looks like she could pack a bowl take her shoes off after work they kind of smell but you'd like to smell it weed but okay she's more of a marg tequila girl busy fellas will probably watch this because you're on it busy [ __ ] talk shows just do a podcast she has a podcast oh for real there you go i like i liked her talk show but it was too short it was like well it never got to the point and it never it like it's the wrong what's wrong with talk shows is they're so [ __ ] quick but if busy phillips was left to talk for like an hour with those people i would [ __ ] be into that it's like when we did we did kelly clarkson the other day and the interesting we me and you that's how we works when you say we i didn't do kelly clarkson with you no we both did it okay we you i did it tuesday you did it wednesday yeah they basically they were like we'll give you whitney if you'll put bird on sure [Laughter] anyway i just want i i wanted i wanted to hit a busy i don't know busy phelps but i wanted her to go just do a podcast cause i watched what i watched she's doing a podcast that's awesome i'm glad she took my advice now so let's go back so you you hooked up with john lennon's son no you deal with this okay i'm barely i'm trying to [ __ ] focus whitney is this what i've got a pen for the first time tracking this down i wrote kia that's all i've written [ __ ] jesus christ is that your suicide note no so so um no so uh what do you think you were talking about the car you got 25 episodes i did not hook up with sean lennon you're making 25 episodes i i have i can have good guy friends that's there's no sexual energy all i have is [ __ ] women friends that i have no sexual energy with love it and so he had like left a t-shirt at my house that was like a vintage duran duran t-shirt i was gonna joke and say you were stealing his clothes i love that you actually stole them and i sold it at buffalo exchange for like seventy dollars i love that you're like hey man you having a house party and then he was like do you is that sh i think i left a shirt at your house and i was like i don't know so funny i just dropped off like so i would sell people's clothes like i would i would um like go to like gifting suites with like famous friends like jennifer hewitt and stuff and get like the gift bag and sell it on ebay and [ __ ] like that like that's how i made and i or i've returned it to the store like you'd get like heels shampoos and i've returned to the store for cash which you can't do anymore i love that but then so what was the car this car was a lexus hybrid and uh i infamously if you've seen my first stand-up special where i'm yelling at the audience because i don't know how mike's work it was my first special i didn't know what the [ __ ] i was doing i was like screaming like like i'm just like a psycho i look like a like a meer cat um uh i the first day i got it i filled it up with diesel fuel because i got there and i and i i got the pump and it was green i was like oh the green pump oh my god the green means it's like good for the environment like this is like the healthy this is like the gr the good gas for the environment i'm going to use that and then it didn't fit in the thing and i was like oh my car is so new like they haven't caught up yet so i'm so i held it and let it like drip in oh and i filled it with diesel fuel and then i like couldn't drive it and i was like this hybrid i was like this is weird and then they towed it to lexus and all the guys like they were like like it like hurt their feelings the mechanics at lexus it cost me like seven thousand dollars and did you have seven thousand no i i i had to go into debt to fix the damage i did it it destroys the whole car so then how long did you drive that car for did you drive it into two broke girls um and let's get to that into whitney yeah i i broke girls is a i didn't i don't think i realized i don't think i really this sounds weird i didn't realize you're but this is you're not we're not interviewing me we've downloaded this on your podcast before no yeah but okay we've talked about perfect then i'll just the last thing tom just wanted to know we don't need to drive viewers to our girls tom tom wrote down like notes for things he wanted me to ask you okay and he was like what's her net worth so what is it i love that you say that because i my first thing when uh i used to do when i would like run around hollywood and figure out how the [ __ ] to get successful i would run around and ask famous people how much money they had oh that's my biggest fan my favorite thing that's my favorite thing in the world like i love i love pulling up networks and going like what's mine oh i do that too i do i pull up birds i do that on my podcast guys yeah your price your net worth i do it it is i three milli i don't know if that's accurate i don't even know what my name is well it's your it's what you own like you're like liquid it's like if everything were to be liquefied sold everything off because one time i asked one time i remember i asked hank azaria it was uh so [ __ ] funny voice he goes i was like hang his area he cuz he's you know he was uh he has points on the simpsons i think yeah he does a poo's voice yeah yeah well not anymore oh that was a great with a whole saga oh harry kane kind of there's a whole documentary about what hap what's the deal with the or what to do with the poo and i i don't think i understand it's not called what's the deal let's get it right it's called like um uh a poo a documentary simpsons yeah i think it's called uh what's the story with the poo the problem the problem with the you know one of my favorite moments of us that we ever have when we were when we sounded out rogan and everybody yeah that i loved that okay so then do so does any do you know what we're talking about nadav what comedians sound like as opposed to doing they're correct so you're like a tellzer [Music] huh [Music] uh what's the [ __ ] jaeger yeah yeah patrice was ah i have a hot take on patrice ooh really no i mean i obviously love patrice i respect him he was just so mean to me oh yeah oh yeah by the way for all the people celebrating with trees they never knew him when you knew patrice it's funny i don't i don't know brutal yeah nobody owes me anything and like i i radically forgive and accept and i think he's brilliant but i remember him just being so shitty to me and just being like okay yeah that was priest i know someone just said like all these people are celebrating patrice it's like if kevin brown also so many people were shitty to me so it that doesn't it's not like does it narrow it down yeah all right let's listen to tom cruise's audio and let's take our hot take this is how you go viral on podcast do you know that no you you do a you do a hot take i have no idea how to podcast what do you do no i've listened i know the uh the uh first of all no you haven't yes i have listened to your pocket i listened to casual why did why do you want to talk about the kesha interview i love kesha i love kesha okay i love kesha and i think she got [ __ ] i think she got [ __ ] by the whole industry i think the industry sucks and uh i actually reached out to her a bunch of times so i used to come on stage on on twitter and on instagram my friends i used to come on stage to die young you used to come on stage today it's my dai young was one of my favorite songs and by the way a huge catch fan my daughters would be kesha's fans and uh and yeah i reached out to work so so like on twitter back in the day when i was like i was like big cash fan i want to bring my podcast but it never happened but you had her own pod guys and i saw her necklace of teeth i loved it okay i love you why do you do that you go okay ma'am i'm just just celebrate me celebrate me that's awesome tom cruise let's pull it up ready put on your headset so you can hear it okay and we'll wait for it oh yeah put your headphones on whitney so you can hear it oh it's just audio oh it's just audio no video in today's a h they don't have video now tom cruise uh also this is a pocket recording oh what a [ __ ] okay let's all right i'm trying to facetime kesha hold on you ready let's do what you need to do yeah first if you're going to facetime cash i would love that um but then we're going to do we're going to say our takes before we listen to the audio and after we listen to the audio of okay what about something so what happened is someone tom cruise got upset we don't know that i don't you don't need to know anything right now tom cruise got upset when what year this has just happened okay great um he uh it was on the set of the new mission impossible movie he got upset and oh he paraded his crew he berated his crew but but he someone pocket recorded him now let's take our because we did this with ellen without knowing anything about ellen tom and i gave our hot takes and was like whatever and then all this and it didn't come out as quick we had to wait a few weeks and then we were like on the fence and then we were like [ __ ] it we're still team alan i don't give a [ __ ] i like ellen um and so let's do a hot take on this now i'm gonna tell you right now i'm tom t i'm team tom cruise day in day out i've always been team tom cruise you realize scientology is a cult that destroys people's lives it i got that i was not putting that into my factor on whether or not i was team tom cruise yeah do you realize shelley miscavige is still missing and they physically beat people and separate children from their mothers you're turning columbus day into a thing why can't we just have the day off okay indigenous people's day okay like um it's called it's now called rapist day i'm looking at the glass half full and you're pointing out that there's uh poison in the glass let's just the glass is first of all it's plastic i'll take my hot tape my hot take i'm team tom cruise i'm team b rate okay i think you're it's okay to berate people i think it's okay too i think i if you're if you're their boss strongly disagree first of all he's not the boss the director is the boss first of all the director is the boss second of all he's getting paid 20 million dollars and those people are getting paid 25 an hour at best and uh are away from their families yeah oh yeah and they should be in a bubble and they should be safe i don't we haven't even watched the video yet and are probably are probably getting coveted working for this [ __ ] uh if if they're not following rules and that's what you're upset about i'm still team tom cruise because i've been in that bubble and people are [ __ ] slack as [ __ ] sometimes and as talent you go listen man we are held to a higher standard we're in a bubble and some people are like ah i can go to the grocery store though right you're like no that's the whole point of a [ __ ] bubble how the [ __ ] did you get these steaks here like yeah i definitely i i'm already team tom cruise i did not know what else what my biggest thing about berating your crew it doesn't work uh it does sometimes it doesn't really work you're not going to get the best of both ways i've never b-rated my group but i'm okay with being berated have you ever worked retail or been a waiter yeah yeah i've been berated a bunch yeah i've been berated my whole [ __ ] life yeah and guess what i learned a lot of times yeah yeah no i'm pro-adversity all the time but i've been in a lot of these situations before and i think there's a way to do it with class intact so that it's actually effective um i think sometimes i haven't heard it so i don't know i haven't heard tom's be rating either but also tom cruise i'm gonna get canceled there are certain things i just cannot say about this no i can't say it can i pee no why not yeah yeah yeah you can edit later right later okay take your headsets off i'm on i actually still got my period believe it or not please keep going please please keep that in mind um that was not a fart that was this [ __ ] chair uh go pee go pee thank you that's okay that's okay she takes her purse to pee oh you're on your period right now this podcast is brought to you by fight camp look if you're like me and trying to stay in shape you get bored with your 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basketball insane okay i want to listen to the tom cruise audio i want to get your hot take on what you thought was gonna get you canceled on talking about tom cruise but you don't have to say it but no it's just yeah it's it's yeah i'm very pro uh crew i'm on the cruise side always i'm on the crew side too however you know that you hold on you know for a fact you've been you've run cruz and there are people who just simply don't give a [ __ ] yeah maybe because they get berated all the [ __ ] time and they have no pride and no uh they don't feel like hear him out hear him out they don't feel dignified who just said hear him that's lyle he's works it's a british guy we have works here and he just always has my back well i think mr kreicher is making a fine point who's this person it's lyle he's a is he in there no he we have these sound bites of a british guy backing me up because sometimes i make idiotic points and it sounds better for british guys like all right you should cut that bit um okay well hang on hang on hang on can the audience see him no no they hear him awful um wait [ __ ] bert's talking not working that's like okay let's let's put wild on ice for a second not working all right so wait let's go i listen i am not i have to say acting for no reason i am not team b rate however i'm cool with b rating do you know how much his crew gets paid and how much he gets paid the discrepancy that is irrelevant here's my point just because tom cruise makes 20 million dollars doesn't mean every group should now make a hundred thousand dollars no but they should be treated with respect and i agree if your crew does not have pride when they go to work that is your fault if you're the boss all right by the way i have not listened to the video i may be on your team after this but i don't have a problem and i know that you probably don't as someone who've led to sometimes lose your temper obviously i don't losing your temper just makes people lose respect for you so it doesn't work you're you're losing your power when you do that so and it also isn't effective so when i break people i go hey i had a situation yesterday where i got a clip in for the podcast and it wasn't centered properly and i was like hey guys i pay five people to do this how come no one has done what needs to happen like do i need to change do you need what do i need to do better how can i make this better does someone need to go because there is this thing where when there's so many people on a crew everyone assumes someone else is doing the job okay then how about how about everything i assumed he was gonna do it well i need you guys to communicate better can you do that for me so then how about that happens five times in a row is it okay if you go guys what the [ __ ] i've said this five [ __ ] times is it okay to do that or do you have to then go i think you're just you're you're gonna lose you're playing yourself let's listen cause also you're an actor [ __ ] act like you're in control of yourself if you're tom cruise and you know how to act act like you can talk to a crew with respect tom cruise also lost his [ __ ] when he was shooting valkyrie and they were doing something for the jews and then he someone farted and he lost his [ __ ] there he thought that was disrespectful that's hilarious but also in scientology don't you never lose your [ __ ] isn't there like an alien though it's solomon oprah he kind of lost his [ __ ] on open like it's like how is he the paragon of emotional stability let's listen to the clip and then we can fairly assess whether this was a allowable b rating or an unallowable the word berate is also very charged it's like a pep talk of like hey guys we're not making our days i want you to get home to your kids by eight o'clock let's see if this is a pep talk i'm guessing if it's going viral okay guys if we don't get this right you don't get to go home to your families i just want to get you home to your families that's what i say i by the way for the record i have never i take that back i'm sure there's people i know that there's people that worked on travel channel that was like oh no no you definitely berated us i definitely i actually fired someone yeah okay i'm not did you have the power to fire people yeah i sent them home because you were the host executive producer of the show okay yeah what what what energy was that right there did you think that i just showed up to hollywood it's travel channel hollywood no not really it's it's chevy chase maryland hollywood it's but nobody chase my mom uh did pr at the neiman marcus chevy chase i was an executive producer on on my new show uh airing january 7th on tbs go to the go big show at 9pm tv and i never and i never once and i never once berated anybody i never berated anybody you never should i i haven't should never anyone else i just believe everyone should be treated exactly the [ __ ] same and if you have not worked crew i mean but treat me better i understand like i worked with an actor once who came in and i'm like this too like i went on a set the other day um with uh on something that paris hilton is doing and i saw something and i was like oh we got to turn the music off you got it like i i do but it's all to benefit the show i never want to humiliate or embarrass anyone you are you are if you're sadistic it's different if you're trying to like if it's the for the greater good of everybody i'm with you yeah you are someone who will go in and change lighting change camera angles move things around take you'll take charge of a scene which i'll say i know in hollywood sometimes when you're a woman doing that people give you a a rap they're like oh she's difficult she's high-maintenance fine yeah that's on you that's your that's one of my businesses yeah but men sometimes don't get that rap and then if a woman was berating someone on their crew that would be ellen that's what ellen is calling you or this dude no he uh slept with my girlfriend uh back in college you need to change your number i know right you've got a couple sketchy calls you have no [ __ ] idea 57 minutes pull up you have no i know i get like bookings like hey wanna do this gig at the pipeline cafe in waikiki i'm like what i keep my phone just in case when [ __ ] goes south and then the guy from tahoe's like hey man seat's 210 it's good room i'm like actually i'm back in business with you i can text like hey i want to send you this script and then two years later my lawyer's like this person's suing you for stealing their idea i keep i keep my phone just the same number just in case elliot google needs to get in touch with me that's ellen page no el no no that's know that you think elliot gold's like oh man couldn't you picked a different name i was the elliott out here i'm sorry i thought i was i could just look at george and i was talking about elliot gould honey my therapist is named georgia for real with a j my my i'm not going to tell you my therapist's name we'll find that guy in a heartbeat all right listen let's listen to tom cruise i gave you oh did you get the present i gave you oh no you didn't give me a present oh i have one but it's in a plastic bag i didn't it's in like a shitty plastic bag let's pull up tom cruise's audio here we go ready you're back here in hollywood making movies right now because of us because they believe in us and what we're doing i'm on the phone with every studio at night insurance companies producers and they're looking at us and using us to make their movies we are creating thousands of jobs i don't ever want to see it again ever and if you don't do it you're fired and i see you do it again you're gone and anyone on this crew does it that's it and you do and you too and you if you ever do what yeah do you know what they were doing nadav there's got to be backstory to this was if they were raping people then it's okay a couple people were crowded around a computer and they weren't social distancing all right hold on there's two more clips okay please say uses these no apologies you can tell it to the people that are losing their own because our industry is shut down it's not going to put food on their table or pay for their college education that's what i sleep with every night in the future industry so i'm sorry i'm beyond your apologies i have told you and now i want it and if you don't do it you're out we are not shutting this movie down is that it one more clip one more clip please is it understood if i see it again you're going it's sure you so you're gonna cost him his job and i see on the set you're going and you're going that's it am i clear do you understand what i want you understand the responsibility that you have because i will deal with your reason and if you can't be reasonable and i can't deal with your logic you're fired that's it that is it i trust you guys to be here okay ready now hold on hold on i might be a scientologist he makes some good points can i tell you [ __ ] i would rather be berated than fired i don't know what they were doing they were crowding around a computer not social distancing i'm assuming wearing masks but they would have been um but well here's allegedly that's just the info that we have they would have been quarantined in a hotel is my guess uh no so some of these productions on i don't know the answer to this but i know that some of the productions on movies are not quite as safe as television when we did uh the go big show premiering january 7th at 9 pm on tbs we were in a bubble 9 p.m as if people watch shows at times we were in a boat as if people go bert's on at nine get around the couch they watch we're hoping they do that no they don't people watch it on their time when they want to watch it well some of the states that you guys in hollywood ignore like to watch television like gentlemen and and gentle ladies anyway if we were in an exact bubble and i know sometimes movies are not in a bubble i know i know for a fact i have friends that are in movies that are not in a bubble so you have to trust that they are they are not one of my friends is a movie producer doing a very big movie and they're all working i'm not going to tell you his name he is not that guy um but he is getting tested every other day and and he's and they have to trust that he is not breaking his bubble and he's not breaking his bubble he's very strict about it but some people aren't so strict so when you go on set and you are making the movie there are certain rules about social distancing because they can't trust that you have not been in a bubble and so and that's why people can't see their kids imagine not being able to see your kids first and i'll tell you this you did the driving shows you know for i know i was very strict i wasn't why does why does rogan only talk about you doing driving shows i don't know i think it's because it's like a male privilege and so i'm like we're out here me and taylor tomlinson are out here in the freezing cold yeah but you guys are only doing one shows at venues now so [Laughter] just kidding whitney where can people buy tickets i'm just joking i'm joking no they're i think they're all cancelled no they're not cancer you just i think no one's doing them because it's cold right uh yeah no i'm doing some outdoor ones in irvine or something i mean we're doing the same [ __ ] i think yeah i didn't i never did irvine i did um yeah i did that yeah yeah so but i i i'm not i'm not you're right i i never understood like i've never lost my [ __ ] like that on anyone but that but i i don't i don't know the context of it but i i am a big fan of we're gonna keep working i want all you to have jobs and apparently no one's listening and we've been very clear about this a number of times and i'll say it one more time instead of sending you home and firing you i'm actually if i'm the guy that [ __ ] up and was crowding around i'm cool with the public berating and keeping my job i just think everyone's doing the best they can with the tools they have and you know but if you but if you exacerbate a culture of fear people are gonna [ __ ] up more and more and more and if you start to project that onto everybody they're just going to be nervous and keep things how about this though is as a showrunner someone who who runs a show you're going to get people whose politics don't line up with yours correct politics okay i hate to say this but a lot of kovid is politics aligned a lot of the way people are behaving is based on their politics there are people i know who just that guy that just called will not wear a mask he's like it's not real the democrats created this they did it to take down trump yeah and i'm not gonna wear a [ __ ] mask and that's real and you will get people a lot of them a lot of grips a lot of cameramen yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah are just regular people are regular dudes and tom cruise is not he is a he is he is i'm sure he probably puts money in the democratic party he believes in cove but he believes in safety and so you may i think he just he's in my estimation this thing get me in trouble but like i think when you're tom cruise you're so addicted to being tom cruise and fame like he wants to put a movie out i mean all of us we're like in this pandemic like how do i stay relevant and how do i stay top of mind to people and we're so like we cannot shut this movie down and but i'm also like i relate to tom cruise in the sense that the fact that i'm [ __ ] blue and pink hair like i want to employ people i'm the fact that i'm able to employ people it's like it's like being a doctor like i dated a pediatric anesthesiologist once and like he would never come home from work he would work when you know you have the power to do something like and you don't use it you're gonna you don't say so i see that there's good in his heart that he was like i want to [ __ ] employ you guys and i want to [ __ ] make this happen like he just wants to cross the finish line how does someone become a pediatric pediatric anesthesiologist he's like i want to be an anesthesiologist but carrying around all that gear can i carry on just half of it so i like i like i don't know man i've always wanted kids but just like a tiny bit it's like watching the baby like her eyes close i love it man there's no better feeling hashtag bill cosby i want to put things to sleep but i want tiny tiny naps i want to make tiny naps happen save babies save babies i had a pediatric i should i [ __ ] that up what that relationship no no one wants to anyone any dude who's into pediatrics nah no that's that's a doctor that's [ __ ] creepy she's usually have parents that are doctors yeah a big thing yeah big thing uh but that but that is kind of like i don't know i i i i'm not into dude pediatricians that's if you want to see dude little boys dicks get online like everybody else anyway be an adult and go on the dark web like what the [ __ ] i can you grow up i had a really good pediatric male pediatrician growing up i actually went to him and i was in high school i don't i don't i didn't have health insurance when i was a kid i didn't go to a pediatrician you didn't no we just went down to the to the the old lady on the corner no they did my mom would give me some robitussin ma ken what's this here give me a give me a nickel i'll corn conjure off them worse whitney come on put it put that nickel in the jar bear in your backyard lauren michaels is calling by the way that's a real story that happened to leanne what if lauren michael said you want to be on snl done really done you think make it even harder make it a hard make it hard make it give me a give me an offer i can't refuse and i'll and put it on me what okay i'll do it to you whitney i'm lauren michaels i want you to be on snl will you take it you are horrible at impressions whitney this is lauren michaels ah it's lauren michaels whitney i'm i'm trying to get there i don't show up and i arrive at an impression so it takes me a little bit whitney hi okay jimmy cagney it's hey oh whitney oh whitney wait okay just [ __ ] the impression well i'll show you what i'm telling you whitney would you show you what i'm telling you i'll show you what i'm telling you this is drivel i'll this is actual drivel no it's not you you said would you take snl and i said yeah make the offer something i like make it difficult so like all right oh sorry sorry to be in the cast not to guest to host no i i'm obsessed with not knowing how famous people are like what where are we like it's so in the pandemic who knows like i went to target the other day with tim dillon and it was like people were mobbing us it was but i was like but i blew hair so ever of course and then you go there it's like i'm so confused about how many people know us but also tim looks like he could work at target what color was his shirt dude the kid tim was legitimately like people were like oh that's tim dylan i'll tell you that but we were in matt but we were in masks so i was like do you know who tim dillon is yeah i love tim dylan um okay make this make it an offer that becomes more difficult of an offer from you so host snl no no i would host it in a heartbeat i would be on the cast in a heartbeat keep going from a real person make it real job stop and be in the moment would i stop doing all my podcasts and do snl make it to be like a recurring character oh my god like like a [ __ ] uh player no i'm set watch i will do it to you and i will show you okay whitney i'm lauren michaels would you like to be on snl as a cast member i'm bert no you're whitney oh thank god um i was gonna ask how you're still single and i got it i got it i'm not single first of all you're not single mm-hmm you're are you serious no woman's ever been single that's not true i have a theory that every woman's got something going on all the time whitney would you like to be on snl as a cast member now today yeah 2021 right now right now today no i i don't what do you think i'm going to call my manager uh why not why wouldn't you do it be a cast member yeah be fun be fine no i could i'd be like why are you talking to people like this like i i couldn't handle the there's a the culture of it the stress of it yeah oh i would love it i think it'd be funny [ __ ] i would see i'm someone who doesn't buy into the i don't like the deadline [ __ ] like don't i love that i did it for so long i do it because i think that it makes you more productive and productivity and cooperation makes dopamine and you need deadlines but oh i would produce so much content for those [ __ ] that they would be like uh he's trying to be an [ __ ] what are the numbers like you're giving a [ __ ] you have your own snl who's who gives a [ __ ] snl and you get to be a part of that that whole that's a storied franchise of like the great some of the greatest comics in the world not the greatest i would like to host snl yeah sure i'd host it how did like it's a it's an interesting process like i'm confused why dan uh levy from shit's creek is not hosting it it's interesting you said dan levy from [ __ ] squeak as opposed to dan levy the guy we know i could i know but they're both dear friends of mine i conflate them all the time and send boob pics to dan and dan and i send screen gras i conflate them all eugene's son is dan levy right levy from and so you said he wants to be a guest no i want him to host it cool wait what i don't understand how i'm just i'm just interested in the way that snl casts their hosts oh oh i think it i think it like why i mean bill burr is genius yeah bill burr chappelle why wouldn't they ask rogan i don't think i think they probably have asked rogan gary said no rogan has a very interesting business model well that is [ __ ] everyone else i'm doing my own thing yeah he's i i'm slowly i'm kind of i feel like i'm getting in that space i think that's great for joe rogan that's not great for everyone yeah i think if ever if i did that for a while where i was like why isn't jojo siwa posting snl because adults watch snl and i don't think any adults know who she is i know who she is she was in the uh the winter wonderland drive-through she had her own little i wanted to target she had like a she was on like a hamper by the way when she doesn't put the when she doesn't put the razzle dazzle all over her face great looking kid i have glitter on my eyes right now pull up jojo siwa jojo siwa she's a dancer without makeup on there's something interesting about this because some there was a white woman that got canceled for dancing like in an african-influenced way uh i saw that adele nope that was the cornrows okay but jojo see what no jojo siwa had a did an unmake-up picture recently and she looked like just like a very regular person everyone's right at the end of the day that's it that's it that's it with that dude what's that dude's name uh that's char james charles um the makeup guy but what is the um what what there was something before that you were asking the white woman who got cancelled for doing a black woman's dance i'm just googling myself i don't trust nadab and josh josh doesn't give a [ __ ] um lyle is lyle still with us yeah white woman every time i google wh it goes it guesses whitney cummings and then i google myself have you ever googled trends yourself benton does it uh who does the podcast with me and it's uh he's always like oh you need to take that tweet down and i'm like all right what just take it down whatever um you know your biggest google trends moment do you know what it is was it us and your balls it was it was that wasn't us it was you it was you when they were trying to scam your uh naked pictures and by the way couldn't even see your boobs there was one like below the nipple kind of barely trust me i looked i zoomed in you couldn't see [ __ ] mm-hmm my balls were aggressive i showed them my balls the other thing it's so dope that you did that and you know you know it's even more hilarious and we just talked about this you want to tell the story and people know the story i think did we just talk about this nadav um yeah when you did uh i think when when christina was on two bears i put in the hashtag i stand with whitney and it was the same day whitney houston had died like 10 years earlier and everyone was using the hashtag i stand with whitney and it and a lot of black women got that picture of my testicle and thought they were celebrating whitney houston i believe and that they were like not what i wanted to see today but i and then and all these black women were like but i did the research of why he posted that and i stand with whitney also can i tell you the funniest [ __ ] ever please so i first of all i had a little um i thought you were going to show your boobs there we go had a mole removed i did have a mole removed here so it's red i have to get it just ignore that but i was on um face time with annie letterman and esther pavitzky the other day and i was showing them this like mole removal thing and then annie letterman goes did you get that bra from the holocaust museum how great is that joe where'd you get that bra the holocaust museum well i know how we're going to open our show this week brilliant like i was like oh dude and then i was like why don't we do roasts on uh only fans you know that we're doing porns on our live show and that's based off the fact that i wanted you to do a porn with your robot remember i wanted you to shoot a porn and have your robots right in the porn have like someone like uh that sounds like something i blacked out why wouldn't you it's such a great do it yeah i it would be yeah i need to get another body this podcast is brought to you by hymns i've got a full head of hair my bud tom skura has one arm one leg and no hair you know why because just like 66 percent of the men by the age of 35 he started losing his hair and he didn't do anything about it he didn't even turn to those weird solutions like gas station remedies or snake oil pills no for hims is one forums.com is one stop shopping for hair loss sexual wellness skin care all for men it's time to write a new chapter in your life tommy and it starts with two legs two arms and a full head of hair hymns is created by a guy who knows that some men's health conversations are easier to have online than in person and that's what's great no more in awkward in person awkward doctor visits long pharmacy lines four hymns connects you with licensed medical professionals online which would save you hours completely confidential indiscreet all you got to do is answer a few questions doctor's going to review it medical professional is going to review it and if they determine it's right for you they prescribe the medication that's shipped directly to your door for hair loss today hymns is giving you their best offer yet if you're not happy with the results after 90 days hems will give you a full refund and right now our listeners can get their first visit absolutely for free go to for hymns dot com slash bears that's for hymns dot com slash pairs disclaimer prescription products require an online consultation with a health care provider who will determine if a prescription is appropriate restrictions apply see website for full details and important safety information remember that's for hymns.com flash pairs what was the dance it's very specific um i don't think it's way but um something in um nigerian a specific nigerian dance i have nigerian friends so i have nigerian friends really yeah uh tobey and gui i've messed his last name up he's not my friend will we text onto instagram you never listened to toby and ningui toby no i'm [ __ ] his last name up toby anything you can yeah you're [ __ ] your career up no i'm not no you're not this you've never you'll pull that up and then are we did we close the loop on the tom cruise thing i think so do you feel good about it i mean i have a lot of thoughts like i'm not gonna be as funny as like tom and you would be about it i i really do not like when people disrespect working class uh or servers waiters retail like i don't think anyone does everyone's on the same page with you yeah i don't play that [ __ ] and when you're a boss like being a leader is very specific okay so this is i don't know i actually saw this woman do this dance so play it yeah so this is what jojo siwa this girl got killed for dancing like this well i will say that all the people of color are staring at her behind her like what the [ __ ] is she doing she like went to africa and did it and she's got the braids she's got a tracksuit on it's uh it's i mean it's honoring it's not honoring i mean it's it is honoring but it's like respectful it's like watching a white guy rap in a commercial in the 80s in information look they're all just staring now look you can you can just tell by the way everyone's staring at it the people there aren't they're like i'd like to know the black man's take on it um which i don't know if we can play like so i i'm not qualified to know but remember informer by snow yeah informer that's a little merlin man yeah that was a song can i take these off sure thanks um i'm so into like going through old songs because when you go uh the way that our uh brain works if you listen to an old song old memories will come up and you'll remember stories that you forgot so i haven't even thought about it so i started i know i'm not allowed to play music but i've started listening to like old um this is my playlist of music from the 90s and 80s and i'll listen to it and sit there and just take notes and remember things that might be the most brilliant thing i've ever heard you say in your life that is [ __ ] genius because there are albums i that like i bought and i go yeah what song did i like on this i know i had this album but i don't know what song i like and then i hear the [ __ ] song and i go and i do that a lot with songs i already know that are in my play list and i go oh i remember like if i listen to uh boss gags georgia i remember being on a plane boss gags hooked up with his son are you sure what's his son's name i mean i'm sure it's online somewhere google it i'm curious what is the guy named boz named his son austin skaggs what a good i bet austin skaggs is a [ __ ] looker i was 21. i think boss gags lives in my neighborhood really no that's not austin's by the way did you sexually assault this miner i know jesus christ looks like he's on a disney cartoon dart just hits me in the neck all right pull up let's real quick i want you to watch we can't show it but i want you to watch tristan jas's video i don't know what that what you just said you don't do that all the time do you because that that's you're i i'm dealing with isla right now i go yeah i know i'm going to tell you what it is i'm going to tell you what it is isla okay [ __ ] we're going to watch tristan justice who tom and i played basketball with so i want you to watch tom's you have a speech impediment too yeah i do so do i don't thrust so do i yeah i don't see yours say the word jillian jillian oh i go jillian so it's so funny that and invented as well all the people with speech impediments have talked for a living no one knew i had a speech impediment because i do stand up and we practice and yeah practice practice right and um acting and then podcast now people are like what are you drunk and i'm like no this is just how i talk that's what i sound like when i talk yeah so tr so tristan jass is look this is us here you can listen to it we can't play it but you can listen to it and you can see tom's basketball skills and i want you to comment i don't want to see him hurt himself no this is not him hurting can you is there a video of himself oh we're playing it on new year's eve it is our big reveal and we have lots of plans on what to do with it this is us getting covered tested this is tristan jazz he's a legit great basketball player okay and then this is me my head looks like um i want you to take a look at my shot and just take a look at my shot and tell me what i look like cause you look at tom for the three look at tom do you think he uh i didn't see his follow through and i didn't i can't really see it look at this just take a look at this beautiful oop yeah from the yeah that's good that's actually good actually yeah it's actually it looks pretty right the knee is good yeah look at tristan is legit okay yeah yeah okay i can't stop giggling where is this this is at a private court that it will never be open to the public after tom did what he did to himself yeah it's like cursed okay who's the man bun this that's me that's me no it's not that's me that's you yeah with that just got the rebound that's you yeah oh yeah i look by the way this is like a sumo wrestler i know it's 17 pounds heavier okay yeah we're not bad we end up [ __ ] why do you look like such [ __ ] why does white men playing basketball look so look this is the first time it just looks so i hope they play tom landing on his knees i think that's the beginning of the injury look at this yeah you guys are good at basketball not bad right that's tom's biggest concern is that people think he's bad because when i doubled him up and i crossed him over did you play for real i did yeah oh yeah you guys are good wait go back can you see so show my one shot where it just is beautiful scroll and i'll tell you where you'll see it scroll down you guys would scroll and then you'll see me okay let play play there play there play there let's see i have look at that that's a fat man going oh that okay that's by the way that's the first injury he had that's the first injury no this all this stuff added up to his injury so he and one time he lands on his knee and it's don't i don't want to see him no no no no it's not bad i just want to see my one good shot can you see if you can find my one good shot it's under the basketball uh you'll see me take my shirt off and talk [ __ ] to the camera at some point nothing nadav nothing nope you're sure it stays on for a [ __ ] day god damn it all right i'll send it to you guys all right we should wrap this up what uh who are you texting now kesha is there max it's not kesha oh let me see if she talks to back what did kesha say no she's working i thought she was not allowed to work because of dr luke uh [Music] i texted bruce witherspoon do you know bert kreischer would you say do you know burke chrysler um any more info what that's that's called throwing your friend under the bus do you know bert kreiser no she doesn't know me i looked over her shoulder when she was writing in her journal she doesn't know you know oh who gives a [ __ ] brief whether it knows me now she's not buying tickets to my show you think that's my fan base she's like a huge producer yeah i'm not doing movies i do my own movies i'm wait hold on wait [ __ ] hold on you can't text reese witherspoon do you know burke chrysler because that makes it look like i was like i'm pretty good friends with her and then she's like um who the [ __ ] is this [ __ ] you just do not text any of your celebrity female friends ever again on my behalf okay god damn i'm gonna need a woman in one of my movies one time and they're gonna be like uh sorry whitney kind of cockblocked that for me sorry i'm working now you just wrote sorry i'm working to her just be like he doesn't know you either wait don't say that i definitely it is so funny that reese witherspoon has never heard of you no it's not there's a lot of people that haven't heard of me whitney there's a lot of communions now it's like you're either jerry seinfeld doesn't know who i am someone either has never heard of us or they know what we had for breakfast there's no in between anymore yeah when someone recognizes me when someone comes up to me they're like with me i love you and i'm like what do you know me from i'm so like i just i'm i'm so curious how you know me because it's always already inviting way more conversation than i want i just go oh thanks no but i'm just i'm dying to know how you know me like i'm so i'm so confused because people will be like you know it's the same thing of when you do 10 shows in houston and someone's like you're in or you run into some of the airport and they're like what are you doing here and you're like how did you not know you recognized me yet you didn't know i just did 10 shows yeah yeah i think there's i think there's a passerby like i know who reese witherspoon is if you said name uh like five of her movies i i'd have a rough time like i just i mean i know she is but i'm not like walk the line don't know what that movie is legally blunt okay legally bond i shouldn't know uh pretty little liars mississippi something in mississippi like something down and out and missing uh no sweet home alabama i mean she's truly it's like jen aniston sandra bullock reese witherspoon yeah not to be disrespectful but that doesn't fly on my radar in what i'm into so i don't i don't like i mean when they're in movies i'm like oh that's a good movie but i'm not like i couldn't tell you what if they're producing reese witherspoon is a house there are very few these are follow her on instagram her daughter looks like her yeah i know who she is i'm just saying like yeah the fact that she doesn't know me does not surprise me at all there's a lot of people who don't know who i am and i'm kind of cool with that yeah i think i'd rather fly under the radar we're chilling at the perfect level of fame where we could like go out and live our lives and i like people will come at me at the airport and stuff like i mean cameras and stuff but because we're comics we can deflect i don't have cameras come to me at the airports at all never it's like you know what you know what i'm bill murray once said on howard stern he said uh he said something about fame and he said someone told me try getting rich and see if you still want to be famous oh that interesting can your brain process that no i don't i have no frame of reference between the s pr separating rich and famous like for me i've been not rich i was when i was on tv i didn't have any money wait when you were on jim jeffries has an amazing bit about this well yeah well that because i was paying for all uh both my parents had strokes and they didn't have health insurance so i was paying icu bills like sixty thousand dollar icu bills oh my god like six thousand dollars can make me angry to put money away like that without health insurance if you have a stroke and you go to the icu no i know it's a racket i just had a big overweight friend go to icu and go to er and i had to spend the day with him and it was rough i went broke on my parents not having had health care their whole lives once i started making money so when did you make money when did the money show up residuals uh yeah a little bit and then by 27 28 yeah i i and i also i didn't know how money worked i also thought the amount of money you got was the amount of money you kept oh so you had one of them i had one of those so i was like i'm rich and then the next year i couldn't afford my taxes yeah and i had a house and then i started like had to do 80 colleges i wrote i had already checked the month before george was born i'd write a check that was more than i had in my bank account and i called my dad and i said it's overdraft fees nose for taxes oh i'd write a check for taxes that i didn't have and i called my dad and i was like i'm broke and he laughed and he went now you're a man really he goes now you know his name al yeah love it what's your ancestry uh german irish mostly uh mostly german i think though interesting yeah i really it's crazy because when i went to when i went to germany for the first time i actually felt felt it yeah always in that it just what's your ancestry my ancestry is super weird and complicated it's got to be some native american right yes how did you know that because everyone in the everyone in appalachia has the native american in them because the they somehow yes somehow yeah the rape yeah is it my ancestors this might be a highlight for the amount of times we've said rape on a show oh sorry there's a great book called born fighting about the scotch irish ancestry what was the outline oh scotch irish yeah oh that's what leanne is scotch irish and native american don't [ __ ] with us don't [ __ ] with us we don't play if we're if we're on your team you're going to win and if you're not on our team it's a problem it's a problem it's hatfield and mccoy 101. why but why that so that is so leanne it's me and do you pick and you look at me i mean look at me look my zipper is unzipped but is it dude we're feral [ __ ] animals though and this is what annoys me about the like me too thing and this portrayal that all women are so fragile and weak and like can't handle it and and are oh it's just like it's not like that in appalachia women are warrior [ __ ] can you not open things while i'm speaking no yes i can also not interrupt but not right now leanne when when the whole me too thing lyanna's i almost certainly ann's talking about the whole me too thing i think leanne was has talked about this on her podcast i will just say i'm not going to say it it's not my worst day i'm trying not to speak for other people these days and like share their story because i feel like it's important for other people's voices to be heard so i want them to say it does that make sense it does but i don't want to speak can you say it in a funnier way next time yeah i'm trying not to speak by the people no but it's just this this um did you see cheer on netflix right um you should homework let me guess reese witherspoon producer she would be great as the as monica aldama um uh monica aldama from cheer i had her on my podcast she's the coach of the uh best cheerleading team in the world navero in texas and they are beasts is this a documentary a docu-series it's [ __ ] incredible okay cheerleading is like mma for girls all right like or boxing for cheerleading yeah it's no but it's these what these are they're athletes they're flying through the air and they're let's put a pin in athlete but yeah i like okay can you please google by the way this is hold on this is the misogynistic character i do to my daughter google cheer google cheer one of the ten men in here pretty certain i could bang out a pretty amazing cheerleading routine that would get me on the team or on the squad i don't know if i'm living in this character or this character is who i am i do this to my daughters all the time no and i can't tell if it's real no it's facetious i can't tell because no video why are you googling images what in what world you want me to play something off on netflix yeah no just so youtube just played the trailer okay off of youtube this this again wow you guys love h3h3 so what they're doing [Music] is couldn't do any of this i couldn't do any of it they're [ __ ] beasts man i could do that i could throw my arm up and like the amount of trust that has it kind of reminds me of uh sis comics because you have this team we all depend on each other and if there's one weak link we're all [ __ ] you know yeah and he's amazing look at these these are this is like the comedy store to me we all work together and if one person is like having an off day someone gets a concussion the amount of trust that you have to build i am so [ __ ] pro cheerleading it's ridiculous i could wave like that i think i could be a dude cheerleader i can wave if you're gonna be the one that walks by waves you can't you're you have kimono arms um i i don't know if i could throw up women like that no it's incredible it's incredibly precise and they also uh it's very it's tantamount to stand up in a way that they prepare for an entire year to do a three-minute performance i love it i love that energy in florida you ha daytona you've got to watch this i love that and they prepare all year for three minutes and if one person [ __ ] up and misses by a [ __ ] iota god i love it it's over it's like a stand-up special that's exactly what we except we get to do it six times you got one shot it's live the pressure is unbelievable and how about this when they perform monica talked about it on the podcast when you perform they practice it practice they practice it in every way in the sunlight because you never know you don't know where what time you're going to go on so in sunlight out of sunlight when it's raining when it's not raining when it's hot when it's cold when you have to pee like they do it every iteration of the routine yeah of you being uncomfortable hungry tired um stressed out wind blowing like she'll put like fans up to blow wind not so that they are used to every possible circumstance and then you get there and it's a different floor there's different balances oh shut the [ __ ] up so like so it's like you're used to in one bound i mean it's like you hit you jump too hard and you [ __ ] break your ankle and then the person that's flying through the air breaks their neck i had not to not to parallel this i remember the first time i did stand up i was with uh my my manager barry cats it was not first time i did stand up it was the first time i stand up on television and i was backstage where was it what show uh premium blend comedy that was your first appearance first experience on television whoa and we were at ucla and it was 300 people and the guy said uh do you want quarter love or quarter love chord mic cordless mic or live and barry cats goes love and i went hold on i've never done stand up with a love and he goes it's the best trust me and i go i don't i've only held a mic i don't know what if i know what to do with my hands and he goes you'll figure it out i was like i don't want to figure out on television and so i took uh mike and then i watched everyone with lobs and they looked so much more cool yeah it was like talking but it also looked like a presentation where i felt like stand up i love a mic i love when i you did you did a headset right on the last one huh when did you do it you did a headset once do you know what i do for a living shut up i watched all your specials you know that no you're like but you're making me think my first tonight show was with the loft the same thing happened and i was like i don't have my hands you know sometimes people use the mic you know sometimes the mic is a part of a thing and uh i have uh it's so funny i talking about good teams i did all my shows and i had about to have a chord because i have a joke that needs a chord and tacky no a tornado no no it's a dick that's the perfect way to end this how else am i gonna [ __ ] the stool it's a big dick it's gonna drop to the ground also it's like a wand that trains oh i used it as the mic cord as on my on one of my specials as a high-water mark i went oh no yeah i love when you see someone that does it you're probably the way that you did it it's carrot top folks when you never eaten a carrot in his life i will tell you this right now i will never walk away from anyone's good idea if it works for you i would mind can i tell you something carrot top i feel like we all have an apology too i think carrot top's [ __ ] amazing i saw him live one time and i was like this is a great show the man's an animal he is he is a he's a [ __ ] animal he could [ __ ] me up nine ways from sunday things are on fire i bet he could be he's like we couldn't do [ __ ] an inch of what he does no he's why do we make fun of him so much i think it's just it's in rote i think we all respect norm norman you just try to use a big word wrote yeah is that not sorry it's like an erudite word yeah yeah i don't know what it is it's wrote so it's like it's it's a habit yeah it's like yeah i think it's a habit i think norm did it and we all respect norm and we love norm and it was so funny when norm did it was like cool to beat up on him he was just like a became like a punching bag yeah and then i think i bet he got pissed off i'd be curious i wrote on the bob saget roast he was on and the jokes were so brutal about like his face and i watched it i was like 25 and i was writing and i watched those jokes that was like jeff ross was like your plastic surgeon halfway through was like well i give up like i mean the jokes just for the record that's also jeff's ross he ready jeff ross joke about his haircut yeah it was jeff ross repurposed the jokes that i wrote about [ __ ] it so brutal i don't think he it's like when you do the roast and you show up and you think they're gonna make fun of one thing and then they come for your actual insecurity that's why i won't do a roast i think we should do i think we should do a roast for only fans on only fans of rogan yeah i'm not roasting rogan no but it's like but it's not it's like or you or tom or me or something like it's we should do a roast on tom to raise money for his medical bills he's i think he's fine uh it was a hundred and six dollars that's what it cost like 106 bucks where does he is he's he's got good insurance he's got bevmo insurance he's it was like 100 bucks it was his deductible i think i came and gave me the bill and i was like maybe i'll pay for the surgery and be like just you know how does he have to have more surgeries yeah he's got it they've reconstructed on his leg because right now it's bending the opposite way they put it in backwards that's not true i know would be hilarious if he could kick himself in the dick though [Music] all right let's wrap this episode up uh whitney thank you so much for doing this episode with me i appreciate it anything sarah silverman i just i like sarah silverman and i just love yeah and she got it i i was watching on a on a uh instagram live with her and with liz winstead that they didn't pick up her show on hbo but she's got to do a special and she hasn't written the special yet and i was like oh [ __ ] i've never been in that i've always only gotten a special when i had a special locked and loaded interesting have you ever had one that's what i that's why we talked about sarah silverman's i was like have you ever had a special where they were like they gave you an offer and you're like oh let me write one real quick and then she said they don't do that for women she actually said they've never done that no everyone underestimates me always oh yeah i have to prove myself over and over and over and over again i even like for netflix i'm like i'll do a special in march and they're like we need to see it like okay yeah oh they had to see mine they yeah but that's like i i never get the benefit of the doubt i think but sarah sarah does in this interview she goes i'm not really known for specials and i was like actually jesus is magical jesus magic one of the best specials was one of the best specials i've ever seen yeah in my head i was like her tv show was [ __ ] great the uh sarah silverman show so unfortunate that blackface picture because it some so many people just grabbed that and it's such a it's such a really aggressive thing for me to apologize i don't remember i'm sure she did she's been someone that's really embraced woke culture which also kind of kind of like opened her up to critics because they were like once you embrace what culture then they pull out anything bad you did and they were like well now explain this yeah and then you're like well now you're on trial yeah and it's it's kind of it's i feel like she got a raw deal because i love sarah yeah she's good she's just got the baby she's someone that doesn't know who i am and by the way sarah silverman yes she does sorry silverman nice to me when i was a [ __ ] when no one else was and then a [ __ ] when you got successful anyway um the no sarah silverman if i see her i have to reintroduce myself i always thought every time she would die i also assume everyone's high all the time brian hussein would recognize me brian posted zach galpinakis i ran into and he reintroduced himself zack galfinakis stevens memorial was made me cry so [ __ ] hard yeah yeah so my point is i'm not shocked reese witherspoon doesn't know who i am by the way reese get to know your comics oh who's that greece witherspoon is that a picture of it yeah never heard of him i'm certain she never heard her sweater just wrote never heard of him you are going to end up blackballing me with all female comedians no i'm actually introducing you to the person that runs hollywood can i can i can i can you please give me your phone and i'll text reese what i want you to say to her no no no no no no absolutely let me see no before you send it i want to see what you're going to say i don't like this manic energy what's what are you going to send you're going to say i'm sending you the screen grab to put for in for post no how about reply and go okay he is a hilarious comedian i'm going to say uh no racist no stop stop stop stop stop hey everyone there's a great episode by the way it's a great episode overrated um oh i almost took that as a compliment i was like yeah thank you over oh look i love for isla yeah um we're going to color isla's hair you're going to give them the gifts and i'm going to give you the gift that i brought you perfect uh whitney thank you for doing this how did this go uh it went touch and go i think people are going to love this episode because they'll be like i've never seen bert like this jesus bert's finally [ __ ] listening but it's i don't like i'm not that funny you know episode's over thank you so [Music] and much one goes topless while the other wears the shirt tom tells stories inverts the machine there's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean here's what we call two bears one cave no scripts a bit of booze amateur protology dirty jokes raunchy humor no apologies here's what we call two bears one cave you

Channel: YMH Studios

Views: 995,102

Keywords: ymh, your mom's house, your moms house, tom segura, christina pazsitzky, christina p, mommies, jeans, up, high and tight, what's with the jeans, denim on denim, podcast

Id: YQsKIQS0hPw

Length: 110min 0sec (6600 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 21 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/Meibious]

I've heard two drunk white girls have this exact same conversation outside my apartment at 3 am.

[u/jbish21]

Lyle calling her a cunt made me choke of laughter

[u/bliffskit]

Can’t wait for Todd to return from his transition surgery, I already have a headache THINKING about watching this

[u/Dartmouth-Hermit]

At least it saves the time of Thirsty Bert pining for her and calling her.

[u/MiloRoyce]

The amount of shade she throws at him is amazing. "When's the last time you hung out with your daughters not on camera?".

[u/tyfunk02]

The ad reads…

Are they still called ad reads if the guy doing them can’t read?

[u/dont_worry_im_here]

This is Bert's dream come true and all of our nightmares simultaneously...

edit: Jesus, Whitney loves to steer the conversation any place that'll give her the chance to tell everyone that she's friends with so-and-so... so obnoxious. She just talks like someone who's so afraid of becoming irrelevant but won't come out and just admit it... so she turns every story into an opportunity to name drop.

On the Tom Cruise thing... her saying the "director is the boss" is just flat-out wrong... Tom Cruise is the producer and financier of this movie, as well as the lead actor and carries the franchise. She's dumb.

edit 2: Oh shit... whoever in the booth had 'Lyle' call Whitney a cunt was fucking PERFECT! Holy shit... sitting through this episode was made worth it by that little moment. Thank you!

[u/chef_epstein]

I’d rather have Norm shit down my throat

[u/Corn_Farmer]

The most hilarious part of the whole episode is Whitney telling Bert he needs to live more without documenting it