Ep. 107 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

that's you yeah right i don't even know if i like that look what why are you all gaunt it's i wasn't drinking i'm never gonna quit drinking i don't look i don't even look good 100. this episode of two bears one cave is also brought to you by draftkings football fans who's ready to score some free bets now you can when you bet on any nfl game this week with draftking sportsbook an official sports betting partner of the nfl new customers who bet just one dollar on either team to score can win 100 in free bets when a team scores you score sportsbook isn't available in your state yet draftkings won't leave you empty-handed everyone can play for huge cash prizes all season long with draftkings daily fantasy sports contest draftkings is giving all new customers a free shot at millions of dollars in total prizes with their first deposit download the draftkings sportsbook app now use promo code bears bet one dollar on either team to score and win 100 in free bets if they score you score with promo code bears this week at draftking sportsbook an official sports betting partner of the nfl must be 21 or older new jersey indiana or pa only new customers only minimum five dollar deposit and one dollar wager and required one per customer restriction supplies drafting dot com sportsbook for details gambling problem call 1-800 gambler this episode of two bears one cave is brought to you by zingaroo is your trading life spread out across multiple apps imagine being able to make real money trades and see how you stack up against others with zingaroo you can invite friends to trading competitions like never before invest in socks etfs and options and manage your full trading portfolio join zones to compete and interact with other traders track your performance on a live leaderboard this sounds freaking awesome by the way i need to get into trading oh zingaroo offer also offers bullpens which provide you with the opportunity to truly invest alongside your friends create a private area that only you and your friends can access in order to chat and compete this is the kind of way i like to make money whether you're starting out on the market or have traded regularly zingaroo is the way to learn more about trading in a fun social interactive way earn your bragging rights with zingaroo by going to apps.zingaroo.com two bears you ready yeah are you ready for the best episode we're ever gonna do okay best episode ever are you ready i'm ready okay we might want to announce tour dates because this people are going to be losing their [ __ ] minds in a second yeah yeah yeah okay okay in cleveland at the rocket mortgage center okay uh on i'm in cleveland i got abilene texas go to burperberg.com for tour dates okay let's get into some sex toys okay whoa yeah that's a penis pump you got right there dude i want to see what happens it's a little wet you used it i tried now here we go we at one point hello chrissy max yeah i know she looks totally different than that but take a look at it it's really let's take our time with these let's take our time okay is we'll put this this way so people can see what that does i bought us matching butt plugs cool okay you try that yet no with remote controls nice we've got a [ __ ] machine that's someone's face that is a face [Music] don't do it don't do it man oh please please though it's a tiny little mouth too that is really nice i got lube and then this is the next level here i'll see that's about plug too right let's see have you used this yet no i haven't used anything did you try the the pig i tried the penis pump last night it's not it's it's it works but i don't think penis pumps are real what do you mean it's hard to explain what's hard to explain well where do you want to start tell me how it's hard okay so this is a penis pump okay it's the best one they have on the market it is called the [Music] it's called the hydro max 7 yeah okay okay so the other penis pumps have a hand attachment where you put it on and then you squeeze squeeze yeah yeah yeah squeeze i've never i can't get this off give it to me this vibrates it's by the way this has electro shock in it they were like yeah like a tins machine uh-huh tens tens yeah wait shouldn't i plug dates before we get in all these [ __ ] sex toys yeah here i'll go real quick oh wow that shocked me oh shut the [ __ ] up okay i'll go first i'll go first minneapolis rockford cleveland austin el paso abilene phoenix [ __ ] phoenix this is has electro shock in it it's good for your [ __ ] whoa maybe hey pull up the directions on this thing all right we added shows oh [ __ ] whoa tom hold this in your hand hold this in your hand fist it fist it real quick i did no no pull it in your hand okay do you feel it i don't like that that's supposed to go up your [ __ ] i don't want that my [ __ ] oh jesus christ plug your dates hold this in your hand and plug your name no no no hold on your hand and plug your dates uh i already [ __ ] shocked my left arm like twice a day i don't want i don't want it i don't want to do it all right we added shows in l.a long beach toronto dc wichita portland uh new york bakersfield san francisco sacramento fort wayne cincinnati columbus indianapolis charlotte thompson how's that story here wait i wanna put it i'm gonna sit on it and see if it hurts november 17th i'm in minneapolis whoa i'll put that in my ass you put this in your ass yeah this is this is dangerous we gotta turn this off somehow i've been trying to turn it off i think you turned it on hotter harder okay oh this is gonna be a fun one to play with see i would rather put this in my ass than this this comes with a like like you're playing what's been up your ass nothing nothing's been uploaded no no not of this i mean in life fingers okay just fingers i thought this this looks like a like you're a [ __ ] marvel character yeah it does it's pretty cool yeah edward dildo hands yeah these so these have matching i gotta find the the remote control let's go back to the penis pump okay okay so you put your dick so you put your it's actually i got to tell you it it works pretty good what you do is you fill this up with water you take this in the shower with you you fill up with water fill it up with water okay you put your dick in it and then you turn off so like one is like air air can come out there that's the valve and then but you turn it you close it and fill it up with water then you put on your dick and then you open it and as you pump water shoots out and then and it suctions it okay but i wasn't i wasn't hard so i i like i just was trying it this morning or doesn't it make it harder no yeah it's supposed to but nothing happened i just was like i was just doing it for the because i wanted i've always wanted to try a penis pump you've never tried one no i've never tried me neither and so i was like i did it and then i was like and by the way this is the medium size this is they have one size bigger i should have gone bigger really yeah my my dick even not hard was filling this in filling it up to where no if my dick was going to here because it was pulling it okay but it was filling it the head was my head's as big as this and so but i wasn't hard i wasn't like hard hard if i was hard i would it could be problematic your head is as big as this oh maybe it was working then because yo i mean look at the no no no no the inside the inside well yeah but i mean it's smaller on the inside it's it's literally like two fingers wide on the inside okay so it actually worked pretty good but what happens is i i pushed it because i played with your dick that one time and it was like we're the same size dick yeah we're the same size dick you should take this home with you you used it already but it's [ __ ] i was watering a dick you've we've slamming pants together but it it does here so like that's what happens the water shoots out and then it and then it suctions again and it kind of pulls you know what you know this reminds me that that points out to me what sometimes the old school thing is better than the new age [ __ ] i bet you the old school penis pump or you just like squeeze something it's probably better more effective than that i bet it is too and and what's crazy is we know we went to a sex store yesterday and we were like um we were we we walked in and you know obviously i was drunk and it wasn't because i got drunk here and uh and we walked in and they recognized me and i was like i was like oh yeah i want everything and they're like what i said i started off and i said i need matching uh vibrating butt plugs with remote controls i said but starters and the guy goes so hell into anal play are you and i was like i'm not and he was like well then and then he goes wait i know who you are and i was like oh [ __ ] i had my mask on and everything and he's like wait i loved uh i loved the cabin and i was like oh thank you so much and he was like oh come on i'll show you what you need to do and i was like i'm doing this for a bit with my buddy tom's greatest you and tom are doing oh let me show you what you and tom should get and so he brought us up and i was like i was like and in my head i'm like you know tom just moved to this area i'm really like opening up making getting his name out there thank you so so um so then i he goes over and he shows me these and he was like and then then he was like hey they're like hey bill you need to take a call and he's like i'm gonna have brenda come help you i'm the young then she's young she's like 22. she's like so she's very matter-of-fact i was like well what other sex toys cause we were just gonna do this for a bit get matching butt plugs put them in and and vibrate for each other like have a remote controls she was like okay i was like what else can i get she's like i'll grab this one it's got the electro shocks and i was like okay and she's like how about this one and she keeps showing me dildos and i'm like i don't she's like well you're really into your [ __ ] right and i was like no i was like maybe i'm not being clear i was like just give me whatever you want she's like this is the best penis pump this thing is a [ __ ] that's the thing i would like to try out you can not really why i don't know kind of creeps me out the i'm not comfortable putting my dick in a machine just try it no but just try it i don't know if it i think it's got to be plugged in go in the bathroom no i'm not and i'm not going to try it i have to get hard and i don't know if i can get hard pull your take your phone with you watch some videos and then i don't know if that's going to work that way really hey do we have a plug over here in the dog you do it here yeah right under the table well you just said you had a difficult time i know but i think i could do it with you at the table you hold it on one side of the table i'll lean in and put my dick in it all right well it's got to be honest with you i think we [ __ ] it up last night because we were playing with it and we were playing with it and we were playing with it uh and we were drinking and we unsleeved it and we can't get it back in the way it's supposed to be oh okay has this been pulled out yeah we pulled it out to see what it was really soft really soft ah let's get into christy max i feel like it's right after you come where you're like what am i doing with my life you know what i mean like have you ever [ __ ] one of these no never [ __ ] a flashlight never oh let me tell you a story so so i i'm in miami right this has got to be like six years ago seven years ago yeah i'm in miami and i just done rogan and he was like he was like let me give you a flashlight all right that's like his first sponsor it was so funny and they're based out of austin it's like the biggest podcast in the world yeah and his first sponsor was just like [ __ ] sleeves yeah but at least and everyone's like don't do it joe yeah like but then you'd go to his house and he'd have a closet full of closet and he'd be like you want one and you're like one i want two i won't give me and you like i've never heard of him and but so i go to his house to do his podcast he's like you should grab one and then uh red band was like oh oh we're out joe and he was like oh darn it he's like you should try it man it's a lot like [ __ ] a person i was like really and in my head i'm like i would love to step up my game for my hand and so and i had [ __ ] i had [ __ ] you ever [ __ ] up fifi is that the name of it can you type in fifi have you feel like this yet no okay no i haven't [ __ ] anything here okay jesus i wonder if that's a real vagina i'm sure it is you think i mean this is probably a mold that they did yeah no yeah so yeah yeah yeah so so fifi was like i remember the first time i heard about this was like i was reading some article on esquire and they were talking about what men in prison do to jerk off yeah and they're like oh what you do is you take a towel you put a [ __ ] rubber glove in it and you and you [ __ ] it and i was like i remember going like what i couldn't wrap my head around it and then and and this is before the internet i want to say i might have been in college and i was like i was like i'm going to try it i remember that i tried it what they said about it kind of not i don't i didn't know where you're going to get a [ __ ] rubber glove from but i kind of tried it and i remember doing it and going like whoa that's totally different yeah and it was it was pretty fun and then it never lived up i tried it again never lived up to it i could never get to that first time right yeah and so when he told me about flashlights i was like okay this i gotta try right yeah this i gotta try so i'm in miami and i go i'm go i'm taking a walk to you'll get lunch you know dave where you know where you get lunch in miami by the club and there's a sex store and i over by the sunglass hut if you walk down that street towards uh little haiti there's a sunglass there's a sex store so i walked by and i was like oh [ __ ] i'm gonna see if they have flashlights so i walk in but i can't walk in too like you know like do you have a flashlight i want to be like this thing yeah yeah yeah but so i walk around and i'm exactly exactly i'm walking around i'm looking and i'm like i don't if i can see it like i don't see flashlight i don't see anything it's just dildos butt plugs anal beads and i'm like this none of this is my speed and then i'm like hey man do you have a thing my buddy joe rogan was telling me about this yeah name dropped in a sex door but was telling me about this thing it's like called a flat like a flash flashlight flashlight and he was like i don't know what you're talking about like and i was like it's like a thing where you can like i i don't know he was telling me about it and i'm still like you like i think you have sex with it or something and he's like yeah we don't got that and i was like okay you don't have any of those and he goes i mean we got [ __ ] a can and i was like what is it and he shows me and it's just a huge sapporo bottle like a big sapporo and i go what's that he goes you can [ __ ] that and i was like i'll take it [Laughter] and so so i grabbed this thing i don't even eat lunch anymore tom i'm like running back to the hotel to [ __ ] it i'm like i'm not hungry i wish that could be a diet i'm not hungry i [ __ ] he's like i remember he was checking out and he was like you're gonna need lube yeah [ __ ] i want lube what do you think i take it back to the room i open it i and i open it and it is a mouth and i remember seeing it and being like like it just looks like he's like it looks like a dude's mouth kind of yeah and he's like dull as i open it i just see the mouth go don't do it man yeah and i'm like i'm like oh he's like please please don't do it please oh come on man just let me let me sit here just [ __ ] don't put your dick in me don't put me a digger come on man i don't have any arms i don't have a soul i'm just a mouth man just don't hurt me don't hurt me don't i'm just [ __ ] it and he's like and then you blow a load in it and it is the most shameful load you've ever blown in your life you're like you i literally was like as soon as i came i was like okay i was like that felt pretty good but i was like i was like ugh right as soon as you're done i was like i wanna it was like 50 bucks i was like i just want to throw it away yeah like i don't even like now i gotta go clean it i gotta go [ __ ] take my time to clean it i don't know how to clean it and did you toss it no oh i [ __ ] it all weekend i couldn't bring it home with me if leanne caught me [ __ ] a beer bottle she'd be like your drinking's gotten out of control what are you doing i'm sorry i can't does that work when i drink it anymore oh [ __ ] man so but this one i'll tell you this though so like that when once i don't know if this happened to you the same way once you meet these people adult performers oh you met christy mac yeah she did well she did the the live show thing with that yeah right so she did my my thing and then she came to my show in atlantic city she lived in atlanta city no but she went to that show and like now i'm like she's a nice lady [Laughter] well i guess i'll never meet her here you go you you do this i i can't violate if she makes money off this do you think she makes money off of course how much i wish we could get chris what are you gonna [ __ ] the box what are you doing i'm just trying to make it look nice and neat i was just trying to clean it up a little bit [ __ ] oh [ __ ] [ __ ] okay she looks she's super hot she's beautiful she's beautiful but i can't what what all the there so like there's a you ready for this there's a sleeve warmer so you can get us a body temperature good idea guys a sleeve warmer there's wat there's a shower mount oh so you can [ __ ] the shower [ __ ] against the wall by the way this would be great to use in the shower as opposed to it's kind of weird you know it is kind of odd now that you say that it's odd that we can just open it up and look at her vagina yeah it's only but it's more odd if you've met the person okay i haven't met her right i've dmed with her before i think maybe okay oh my god oh i thought that was i was like she has a birthmark that says christy back yeah um hey we pull up christy max vagina on on the thing i want to see if this is actually can you do that sure i mean it's on television right yeah you can see it i mean this is it right do they do like a legit i wonder if we get pulled down for showing a vagina let me see it yeah that's it oh my god that is it yeah can you enlarge that that is totally it yeah they did a mold they did it oh wow yeah that is look scroll scroll up tom that's it that's it put your finger in there oh i like christy i know i like her too but put your finger in there i think there's a tampon in there christie i'm sorry man what the [ __ ] is that i don't know there's something inside it it's a treasure what if it's a map it's how an adventure starts oh [ __ ] oh [ __ ] that's right what is this that's to take all your [ __ ] i think no it's not a [ __ ] receptacle no i don't no i don't know what it is i don't think you're supposed to take it out i don't you're not gonna [ __ ] it with that in that's true yeah okay does that feel better now yeah yeah yeah that feels really good i wonder how much money she makes off these i don't know it'd be cool to know you know yeah i mean would you make one for your deck and sell to your fans i don't think so huh really i would you can you know i actually thought about why don't you i feel like it's really unbrand for you to give my dick to people yeah would you would you give them your real dick or you just build it up a little bit you're like guys girth it up yeah take this thing and go all right here we go they'd be like all right so here it is and i'd be like okay we're gonna go back to the drawing board and add some length and girth and veins what does she have in her hand what is it i don't know what's that in her hand in this what the [ __ ] is that is it yogurt oh no it's it's that oh it's this yeah it's just oh she's holding it like oh she's like this yeah yeah okay yeah i would love to know the deal points on these hey see if you can find out how much how much yeah because it's a merch item there's a whole wall for sure you get paid for sure they're getting like it's crazy because they they i go let i go let me uh let me take a look they're like which one do you want and i look and i'm like why i'm a fan of no like fan of a couple porn stars and then i saw it i went oh christy mack and i was like oh see what the best selling hold on i would love to write a review i'd love to read a review of christy max oh yeah let's read a review there's a review holy [ __ ] flashlight review oh my god this guy really does what he loves yeah this guy okay this is one of the most amazing amazing flashlight toys on the market uh has the christie mack flashlight has all that men fantasize about when wanting sex is ideal for both the circumcised and uncircumcised men the opening of the [ __ ] looks big it has a very tight opening a man will get into the first chamber there's a bit small cover with two rings of bumps afterward there is a main chamber that follows the chamber is the heart of all pleasure it has a varied number of bumps and shapes different okay i feel like a gynecologist right now yeah there's also a booty sleeve why didn't you get the booty sleeve and then put them back together just go back and forth yeah there's a booty sleeve does this person i mean the person clearly loves it they're saying it's fantastic they're saying it's a wonderful combination the first class aspac yeah the v stroker i bet the way this works is that um whoever the person is just give us a percentage of each one but you know what i mean sold really sure how much how much did this cost you bought it i spent a thousand dollars on sex toys yesterday there's a hundred dollars really a hundred dollars you spent a grand i was i was like it's worth for a podcast and then to pretend that we're gonna leave them here but then throw them in my bag i wish i really wish i really wish this thing hope this thing works are you gonna take the flashlight and [ __ ] it uh no probably not i don't i'm i i don't enjoy flashlights anymore i've used them you used it on that miami weekend i used one of the miami weekend and towards the end of the weekend you're like i had a hard time having an orgasm i was like i was just jerk off how many times did you use it maybe like five times four times like i used it and then cleaned it and then put it in the [ __ ] put it put it to dry and then uh and then [ __ ] the maid came in and i was like she must have been horrified she walked in she's like what the [ __ ] is that and i just i mean i basically didn't even know what it is because when you pull this out like when you pull this out it looks weird oh my god i wonder if we can cut this off and i can talk through this thing probably can just i wish we could plug this in i wish you could show that i want to see what the inside workings of this is and you won't use that one um and i wonder if it's because i grew up with like a puritanical belief in drugs and alcohol and sex yeah because there's a little bit of shame that happens yeah it's like if i was like right now i'm talking like right now i would never do it yeah but i would not never do it but i just wouldn't do it yeah but if i was horny enough and on the road i'd i'd probably definitely do it yeah if you're horny enough dude when you ever get like so horny you're almost like your eyes roll back in your head like like and it's the worst is when you want to have sex with your wife and you're and you're in that mode they're like i just don't want to oh yeah yeah yeah not now you're like god just throw you 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there nothing more annoying than getting wireless earbuds or headphones that you just can't pair and i don't know what they do at raycon but for some reason every time you put them in it's just immediate and it's like that from out of the box and i don't know i'd like to commend the engineers good job raycon offers eight hours of play time and a 32-hour battery life there's also a built-in mic you can take your calls and your earbuds the press of a button thoughtful go to buy raycon.com bears today to unlock exclusive deals up to 20 off your raycon order but hurry this offer is available for a limited time only you don't want to miss it that's buy raycon dot com slash bears to unlock up to 20 off your ray cons by raycon.com bears oh we could put a butt plug inside up inside this yeah you could are you going to put that how far up your ass will you put that i would i would put it all the way up my ass i don't think that's fitting you think you could fit that in your [ __ ] i think that'd be a tough fit oh very tough i mean for for like an amateur i've never yeah i've just had girls fingers in my ass that's it yeah and they're tiny little fingers yeah they're not like that leanne's never fingered well maybe she had once yeah yeah i don't think she was into it i used to do a joke about it this is my impression of me asking my wife to put her finger in my ass during a [ __ ] okay hey put your finger on my ass what nothing never mind she won't do it no not now she wouldn't no not after being around your ass okay this is on this where's that you're here here you hold one i'll hold one where's the other remote here this is on it is on yep all right so let's see who's got who's butt plug hmm i'm tearing it up and not feeling anything i'm not feeling anything either i wonder if you gotta turn this on you gotta try this oh i got oh yeah no it's on [Music] okay okay i got jesus christ i think i almost tore my tendons again this is a great toy yeah this is this is great but it's so [ __ ] big man i think it's for i think we just bring it to our chicks put in their asses we should give it to them together the end points we got you guys and they're matching so you guys are up and this is quite the handle too this is you are your is yours on yeah how do you get yours to it yeah just give it a second see what i'm willing to do right now yeah is just put this like near my ass feels really good yeah do you have your my remote or your remote i got my remote you sure yeah i'm going to a 20. wait a minute do i have your remote you have my remote crank it up is it off right now no no it's going no but this is still this thing's [ __ ] great oh you're you got my remote you gotta remember yeah you gotta remind me wait sit on yours mine's going [ __ ] crazy mine's going crazy let me uh here here's switch remotes okay now wait a minute now hold on no this is still by the way we should have never mixed up remotes and dildos okay you got mine i do no yeah no i don't here is yours is yours vibrating mine's doing crazy [ __ ] really this vibrates a lot i can't believe this is inside you it's it's so big dude and then i love that they got they gave you something to pull it out with like yeah come on let's get this bad boy i met the first generation they were like but you should put a handle on the end the guy's like why they get in the way and the guy's like can someone let me get this out of my ass yeah yeah of course this is a handle this is like to open a [ __ ] safe or something like this is a really like opening a bottle of wine i mean i gotta be dead honestly tom dead serious okay now i gotta go i gotta pee let me pee and then let's do it okay now hey for real here's the lube try it see if you can put it up your ass i'm just gonna sit on mine while you're gone i should do ads like this this episode is brought to you by hems if you haven't heard me talk about hair loss and you're not listening this thing's not that bad if i could get it my [ __ ] i want you to hear it can you hear it i wanna i mean i like i feel like i feel like a kid in a candy shop isn't it weird that i almost feel like i should ask permission to use her sex toy what we should do is we should dm christy mack and ask her permission ask her to can if we can consent to play with her flashlight i think she's okay with it yeah i guess she sells it yeah i don't think everyone that buys one i feel like asks their permission this thing's [ __ ] vibrating like crazy here i'll i'll put it like this how's that is that better so do you think you're going to start bringing some of this stuff on the road with you no i will yeah i'm taking it all on the road with me i will be very honest i would probably see myself trying to get this up my ass but i can't imagine it's getting more than what is happening right now like i can't imagine i think it would be invasive i think that's the that's the point of the design i mean if it feels good being vibrated from the outside imagine from the inside i wonder what the battery life on this thing is did you get it in did you get it in are you serious are you being serious right now i don't know how i'm gonna yeah oh wait i wanna put mine in here are you serious all right i'm gonna go put mine in we're gonna jerk off in here tom how was it uh was it difficult getting it in there was it difficult getting it in there a little bit i can't believe this is level one god it's so weird that there's no chicks here like can't we just look at one ah [ __ ] bring up some how are you sitting down is it is it making it go further with you sitting no i laid it on its side so the shaft is just along your ass yeah this actually feels really good [Music] there is no way you got this in your ass no this is impossible to put up your ass there no no it's laying flat in like along my ass you know what i mean it's not up my ass and by the way it feels really good it feels [ __ ] awesome just have it buy your [ __ ] yeah yeah yeah there's i literally was like all right i'm gonna try and i went and it was like [ __ ] it was like [ __ ] it was like wreck-it ralph did you try to get it in there i gave it i gave it the old college try and as soon as i got there i was like this isn't going i think you need another person to put it in it probably helps yeah by the way also i have a hard time wiping my ass do you know how hard it is to [ __ ] oh my god dude what i shot a realization what so if you put this in your ass yeah it's so nice to have the controls right here right where you can see them yeah all the controls in this are here you definitely need someone to do this for you yeah they put it in and then they go you lay that lay the other one in between your ass cheeks just lay it between your eyes that's where it is yeah yeah it's nice it feels really nice yeah this would be nice jerking off with this yeah but why don't they make a very small one oh i'm sure they do no i bet it's the the thing that makes it vibrate has to be bigger what [Laughter] the thing that makes it vibrate has to be bigger you know what's weird is that mine's off now there's just this thing between my ass cheeks mine's still going i'm gonna i'm gonna ride in this battery battery down there's no way you can get this in your ass there's no way you have to be like a legit you have to there's no way someone can get this in their ass it just feels weird to talk to your friend with this going on you know i'm not bothered by it really yeah i think it makes it i mean it's pleasurable but it's still like strange i'm not hard me neither i think i'm more of like a dick person you know like i think i think i have to i think my thing has to be about my dick oh like i think the rest of my body like i've had nipple clamps on before like you know i had them with you and they were not enjoyable at all remember how bad those hurt yeah those were intense that was like the dumbest thing in the world you're like who likes that and she was also like how about the insults did you like those the what insoles insults oh insults yeah there's it's crazy that some people are in this i can't believe i'm talking to you but this thing vibrating my [ __ ] i i i it's it's funny and that doesn't do anything for me insults no not like i mean like i enjoy i enjoy racial slurs but like when someone's but like when she is was just like i i guess she was role playing but she was just like degrading us yeah that does nothing for me like uh like uh doesn't arouse me no it doesn't at me at all i don't find any value in um i thought it was funny yeah and by the way i i think it's because i disconnect and i go okay all right and now i'm not me i have a hard time switching over from this guy right here yeah to serious bird where we have sex really yeah and i think that's why i have had so many few partners is i don't trust people i'm afraid i can't trust people so i just never wanted to show them the other side of me like whatever one night stands i've had it i remember one girl going like all right turn it off and i was like okay turn off like your person yeah yeah turn it off let's let's do this and i was like okay that's it that's uh by the way the same girl i showed my balls to and that's the comedy club remember i was telling you this story oh yeah yeah same girl she was like knock it off yeah she because she i she knew me as a comic yeah and then i and i was and i and i did i think i was trying to always earn my spot at that club meaning like feel like i belonged so i just kept trying to be funny and we drank we party ended up doing coke a couple times i keep farting on this thing now oh my god how great would that be i'll tell you what yeah i wonder if there's an anal lube you can do you put in before a [ __ ] that would help shits come out like you know how sometimes when you [ __ ] and then it'll almost be like it breaks off a little bit and you have like a little magic marker tip there and you keep wiping keep wiping keep wiping keep wiping keep wiping yeah and then you're like i think there's a piece of [ __ ] right there right and and then you go i i have to take another [ __ ] later i have to wait to this one so i can get the rest of it out i wonder if there's like if they had a very a very small amount of lube that you would just insert into your [ __ ] before your [ __ ] and then it would just get all up there and be like all right guys now we're ready to go out you know what you should do when that magic marker thing happens stand up stand up and it'll kind of close some of your [ __ ] a little bit and then you sit back down it'll be like retracted a little bit you won't wipe it as much are you being serious yeah shut the [ __ ] up yeah yeah i've been just wiping like crazy my whole life just stand up for a second i was actually thinking of ari shafir's [ __ ] last night oh my god he needs to go did he do the shirtless thing before you no oh what when when did he do shirtless like when he he would perform shirtless i'm sure he took his shirt no no he called me when the day did it oh he did yeah he texted me he was like i just want to let you know i perform shirtless tonight and he was like it's [ __ ] awesome it was so exhilarating and he's like i totally get why you do it there's another guy that i saw do it yeah i think yeah yeah people take their shirts off all the time i can't this thing's just vibrating in my [ __ ] which one do i have do i have my remote i hope you do i definitely do so if you hold this down how are you gonna go i just realized how to change modes oh my went off i gotta take it out of my ass now how did you turn yours off because i had it off for long enough i just turned mine off now yours isn't still [ __ ] going yeah let me see your thing but i think you have my remote now okay no i have my remote whoa i should have read the directions on this thing oh there it goes you fart on that no no mine's holding on by a thread it's like it's like an old guy coughing but my [ __ ] feels like detached right now yeah uh oh we got the lube out you want to try it i mean i feel like we should text christy mack and ask permission first i do too you know yeah i feel like it would be rude let's do a let's do it she knows you okay do you have a number no wait face timer face timer hold on you definitely have her number i might i might i might because if she's like hey man i don't make money off that please don't promote it then i don't know we're kind of [ __ ] she has to make money off of it what if it's like an old [ __ ] manager signed the deal for her was just facetimer i'm i'm just uh uh on on instagram no no you got her number right no i know i'm asking her right now if we can do it on instagram yeah yeah yeah oh she wished me happy valentine's day once when was this look how good i look here oh my god it looks like pete coriella i'm so skinny that's pandemic part where is valentine's day april april 24th 2020. you look good look at me let's see that's you yeah right i don't even know if i like that look what why are you all gaunt it's i wasn't drinking i'm never gonna quit drinking i don't look i don't even look good i look weird right yeah what the [ __ ] i don't know man wait why are you saying valentine's day if it's april uh because it was a valentine she wished me happy valentine's day huh jesus christ man i look [ __ ] super skinny in this uh yeah i hadn't drank if it's april i hadn't drank in a month you look so weird yeah i look gross [ __ ] isn't that crazy that i don't like what i look like how do i i gotta do [ __ ] you know what i gotta do drink you gotta drink more no oh by the way i'm thinking about drinking for the second episode yeah [Laughter] you have a show tonight no i'm flying to tampa dinner with my parents oh fantastic you should you should arrive lit oh yeah yeah i'm gonna yeah i'm gonna um what will they say by the way what are they like when they when you like are like hey when you're like fully on what do your parents say uh i don't they never see it no one can ever tell when i'm like even them like your own parents no one can but i know i don't i think when i start getting drunk i just shut down like when i get drunk drunk yeah you can't tell because i just stopped i stopped talking okay but like what about halfway there when you i mean like when you're like hey like you're [ __ ] party guy oh i don't think my dad enjoys it he doesn't yeah my dad's a quiet guy like he's a lawyer yeah and he doesn't understand certain things like your mom she loves it she does love it yeah she's like me she she my mom my mom will call us drunk like she'll be like my sisters say scrolling and my mom was like shut the [ __ ] up so anyway i'm got booster shots lined up for you because you don't know this but the guy who ride aid he's a [ __ ] fan and i talked to him for like half an hour today and so i think i can get him to hook up some underground johnson and johnson's if you're cool with it and i'm like i got you mom the best is when we call my mom and she has been drinking and she passed out and she answers the phone and she's dreaming and she talks to us it is [ __ ] hilarious really that's my favorite phone call from my mom when you call her and you lean will go honey it's it's 10 30 there i go they're up and you're oh man yeah raccoons they're in the house your dad's got to get raccoons out of the house and i'm like what mom she's like hold on albert get a helmet albert get a helmet on your umbrella she's just like and she's dreaming and she's and she answers the phone and and she's been drinking and she and you're like mom are you okay like hold on one second your aunt is here and i'm gonna have to get her to take a bath and you're just like it's [ __ ] awesome it's awesome i'll call cotty cotty does it the best really yeah now um does your dad does your dad like have fun with you with the drinking yeah i mean with me drinking yeah yeah he went here today tonight he was like all right buddy i'm gonna get some bottles of wine okay there's some steaks grill up have some smells oh you're gonna grill at the house yeah grilling at his house i was like and but i also i i they're double vaccinated they're double vaccinated and got their booster shots so i feel comfortable going into the road and what by the way are our [ __ ] on the road we've been really good about not being around a lot of people yeah yeah we were talking about this the other day weren't we is that we don't really do a lot of [ __ ] we just hang out on the bus yeah yeah yeah that's what you said we'll go to bars and stuff which i think i'm going to change up i'm not i don't know if i'm going to go to bars per se but like i might do what you do good like smoking lounges you'd have fun with that yeah and there's because there's booze there yeah yeah we were drinking at the smoking lounge you have an interesting you have an interesting way to live your life i was thinking about you in the shower this morning while i was pumping my dick full of water well tell me tell me i don't know like i was i i saw like uh i i i i saw some clip of like why is burke chrysler still alive it was you bush and then i was like i lived just like them and then i was in the shower and i was like oh no i bet tom really does like you went home last night went to yeah we sleep really really tired worked out i was really tired i worked out it was [ __ ] so hard but i but here what's i don't understand what's wrong with me is that i was also very tired and i had been drinking since like nine in the morning and i went back and i got a 10 in the morning it was when we had our first drink and i and i got went back and i did a i did a bunch of work and then i fell asleep for 30 minutes and then woke up and went out to dinner and stayed out until late ran into derek poston uh he he's out living out here okay yeah and so hung out he came by the room we had a drink bullshitted gossiped um do any word from christy mack i would love to try to to feel this thing on the inside no uh that she didn't write back you tried her on instagram yeah okay she probably gets tons of instagram messages yeah this episode is brought to you by woop the personalized digital fitness and health coach monitor your recovery sleep training and health with personalized recommendations and coaching feedback with whoop train smarter recover faster sleep better now feel healthier with whoop and their all new whoop 4.0 the latest most advanced fitness wearable on the market you don't know what a woop is this thing just goes on your wrist you forget it's there and it basically gives you incredible insight into what's going on in your body there's an opportunity for you to give it insight as well you can put in hey i had alcohol i had caffeine i ate an edible whatever you're doing there's a place to put it in and then you see how you're taking that and whatever you're doing with your day affects your body you get real-time reports on how you're sleeping how strain is affecting you what's going on with your hrv your uh your resting heart rate and it's just a fascinating way to learn what your body is actually going through i absolutely love it the all-new waterproof device is free when you sign up for a whoop 4.0 membership for any members if you have six months left of membership on your account you can upgrade now and get the 4.0 for free right now woop is offering 15 off when you use the code cave at checkout go to woop w-h-o-o-p dot com and enter c-a-v-e at checkout to save 15 off this podcast is brought to you by better help i am in therapy uh i struggle with anxiety whether you're struggling with grief relationship or stress or having just trouble sleeping or meeting goals online therapy does help it does help for me betterhelp is secure online therapy that offers video phone and even live chat sessions with a licensed professional therapist better help is going to access assess your needs and match you with your own accredited therapist you can start communicating in just under 48 hours therapists have broad range of expertise that probably aren't maybe aren't available in your neighborhood your area and the service is available for clients worldwide you can log into your account anytime and message your therapist directly you can also get timely and thoughtful responses plus you can schedule weekly or video or phone sessions i prefer phone sessions sometimes sometimes sometimes better help is committing to is committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches so they make it super easy to change therapists if you need to which i have done plenty of times two bears one cave is sponsored by betterhelp and our listeners get 10 off their first month of online therapy at betterhelp.com bears that's betterhelp.com bears um what were we talking about right before i [ __ ] oh so then i was like you think about our lives yeah yeah and i was like i went out to dinner we stayed up drinking we bullshitting yeah and then when i woke up this morning i i just by the way i woke up like six in the morning and i was like i was like and i said i saw that thing and i was like how is bert still alive and then i was like i wonder what tom did through yesterday like like and i realized that that me and her discussing that is also like what like 90 of the population thinks also i'm certain a lot of people wonder that yeah yeah yeah and by the way it's not meant to be an insult we're just like how the [ __ ] is this guy yeah still going i was like i was and then i was like well maybe i should just quit drinking like what if i just just quit don't tell anyone and just quit and just i always just have a soda in my hand and then everyone's like he's so [ __ ] wasted and i'm like yeah because no one can tell when i'm drunk you know when people um message me or write messages they're like i could tell you were high on this thing and i'm like no people think i'm wasted all the time on stage yeah and by the way i did get wasted the other day on stage uh for the in i think i told you this yes you did and and i had such a good time and everyone was like that was the best show i've ever seen oh that's good i was like [ __ ] yeah and i was like i wonder if i i let them down because i'm not hammered on stage you're not letting them down you're not letting them down but you know my all my whole thing was always like go out and party after the shows yeah i'm not doing that right now and i feel like people are like ah the old bert's dead no they're not really no no they're not like that get that i have such a [ __ ] get that thought out of your head i have such sigh a sick perspective on wanting people to like me like it's it really is like almost like not healthy where you go like we're not not wanting people like me i want people to have a good time i want people to have a good time you do want them to like you too oh yeah yeah i want them like me also but we all want people to like us like this whole idea you don't i don't know that that's true i'm saying here's okay here's the way i would phrase it differently i like when someone likes me because i feel like it's a natural human i know so i'm saying we're just like on different degrees it's not like i it doesn't matter to me if something you know i mean like i still like being liked but i think that you you're more outwardly projecting that like like me you know and i'm and i'm like do you oh you don't okay yeah yeah yeah well you don't okay yeah who do you name someone that doesn't like you that doesn't like me yeah i don't know that's not something i usually think about yeah i i don't think about that much either i had there are unless it's like i know people i know a guy doesn't like you really yeah but you don't like me also a comedian yeah but we're not gonna say his name okay by the way because even saying his name that person right now there's 30 people going is it it's me he's talking about it's me and you're i don't know okay well i could think of it i'm not going to say like i think of someone who doesn't like me but i'll say that i'm pretty comfortable i'm pretty comfortable with some people not like me but i think it takes you a while to get there like in other words there was a time where you go you find out someone doesn't like you and you're like oh my god right but the older you get you realize that like not everyone's gonna like you right and then the thing is not every comedy fan is gonna like your comedy yeah but when you get to the point where you where you're at now where you go you know what i'm going to play to the ones that do you know so uh stavros stabby baby is his name on uh on ins on instagram but stabros is his name i forgot how to say his last name it's one of those greek names he's he said one of the most [ __ ] brilliant things to me he was like you know man i by the way i'm hardcore paraphrasing if you want to hear it you can hear he did it on my podcast resumed he said i there was a point in my life where i realized i was trying to [ __ ] people that didn't want to [ __ ] me and he goes like literally literally like i wanted to [ __ ] the people that didn't want to [ __ ] me that make yes and he goes and then one day i just had a pivot and i went why don't i just focus on the people that want to [ __ ] me yeah and then like find that group and lean into that group and he was like he's like i got he goes i got more [ __ ] without a tooth because just focusing on the people that wanted to [ __ ] me like i'm giving them attention and then those people that i knew weren't going to want to [ __ ] me i just was like they don't count to me like but the only thing that because that makes a lot of sense to me both with like the like talking about sex but even like in all social groups meaning there's a time when you're like growing up where all you want is to be accepted by these people who don't want anything to do with you and the only girls you want are the ones who don't want to give you attention and the only people like only places you want to go are the places where they go we don't want you here i've only wanted to have sex with the people that didn't want to have sex with me yeah i don't know what i mean that must be a a very common theme for people it has to be i wonder i wonder if leanne i wonder if leanne like i when i met leanne i was like at first i was like oh there's no way she dated a guy like me really oh yeah yeah definitely i was like yeah she's got her head on her shoulders she's a screenwriter she has a job she's like [ __ ] do you've got [ __ ] going on and i was like i'm a [ __ ] loser i'm a comic i'm a maybe i'm a feature at the time i had money but it's i'm pissing it away because i don't have any money anymore yeah and i'm like and i'm kind of like i'm a little bit of like i'm i'm thirsty i think at that time i was thirsty yeah but i was skinnier and i was more attractive is that christy mac no no um and so um so i and i was like and then when she did i was like oh yeah is that what do y'all include i don't want to be a member of any club that will have me yeah yeah yeah yeah it's so crazy why wouldn't you want to have sex with the people that want to have sex with you i don't know i don't know and it's fascinating i wish we had like a um psycho analysis psychoanalyst here to like break it down for us but it is like a a super fascinating thing that and cause like even like in comedy like forget sex for a second like in comedy what happens when you start doing uh stand up you you're like i want this group of comics to accept me or embrace it oh don't get me do not get me started right and then and then so crazy that was a big theme for me i remember like i remember standing outside of like having a good set and then like shuffling over to comics that i like and just being like you know you're waiting for them to acknowledge you're waiting for someone to go hey man good set yeah yeah you know what's so funny i say good set to so many people like when if i see them in a good set and by the way if they have a rough set like whenever anyone's special comes out yeah i always watch it find the things i like and i text them and about the things i like and say congratulations yeah great special i know i mean i'm very netflix isn't putting out a lot of bad specials right now you know everyone they've got coming out is a [ __ ] banger so but no one does that to no like i i you're right like the amount of times i'd have a set and then i'd like stand next to a comic that i really respected and he'd be like what's up you're like oh yeah you're like and you're like good set tonight and they were like oh thanks and and it's so crazy so crazy and by the way we're really successful comics now yeah and to know that we felt that way when we were young oh yeah and but i and then one of the i won't say the name oh please say the name and just edit it out all right uh all right will you edit it out yeah okay why you i tell him to edit out should i be nervous that nadab doesn't edit everything out i've been saying names all [ __ ] i mean i go in and off edit this out and is he just like yeah nadav you have to edit out this should i ask you to edit out please okay okay so um i just remember how comforting it was to hear this so i talked to my agent one day and i because i'm i also am reluctant to are we editing the name out yeah we're going to okay good i i'm also reluctant to express like i think a lot of people certain insecurities you don't even want to admit them right yeah you're it's an insecurity i'm the opposite okay so i tell everyone my insecurities so they know their money security so they don't step on them okay and by the way come back to backfire me a lot because then people find you they don't like you and then they find your inspirations and they just tweaked i hope you know i think you already know but i hope you know how much i enjoy you i you're such a goddamn alien so one day i was talking to my agent and i think i'm like dancing around this insecurity about you know i mean like because you're always like what about this other person and then you know what i mean yeah and and as i'm i'm talking to them i'm like i think what i was talking about was how you feel these insecurities and and at a certain level because this business side of our business is all about the hierarchy you know and like you're you know you're a feature and then you're ahead of your club comic and then your rock clubs and theater and it's a whole thing so i'm talking about like the top echelon like how those guys are and he's like oh they're the same and i was like what do you mean he's like they have the same thoughts and worries and [ __ ] that all you guys do and like i remember just hearing that on the phone and having whatever level of anxiety i had that day and just being like like that that was just comforting to hear yeah it's like seeing um a famous comic have like a offset and you're like oh yeah like that's really nice he uh like i know he can kill but i just saw him do like mediocre and you go like oh yeah they're like they're regular they're just another guy that's so [ __ ] that makes me feel that makes me feel good right yeah that makes me feel good where you go oh so they're just as bad as we are they just don't tell you yeah i think a lot of people hold their insecurities so close to their vest yeah and they just put on a brave face and then you're like that guy's a [ __ ] steel trap yeah and you're like that guy exactly flawless exactly except for someone like joe rogan who i really don't think i think he finds an insecurity and then he confronts it yes in its face i do too i think joe is fascinating in this way by the way that he has the insecurity but what he does is he'll look at his own insecurity and be like you're being an insecure [ __ ] and then [ __ ] and then he'll deal with it and like address it i mean it's yes he said uh he said i very very seldomly smoked pot lately at all um but the last time i did i had an anxiety attack and i and it was like i was like that's not fun i don't i'm not enjoying that and then i listen to joe talk to sanjay gupta and sanjay gupta said sanji gupta by the way is a i know people are divided on that podcast whatever for whatever reason yeah that was a really great interview and it really made me like sanjay gupta a lot because he was he is he is exactly who he says he is he's a scientist he's a doctor he is a he's a nerd like he's a big nerd and he talked about like he when he smoked pot he wrote he kept a journal and wrote down like what he was feeling and like he actually experimented with marijuana and wrote it down and then journaled and was like i was writing really brilliant [ __ ] sometimes when i get high i do write brilliant [ __ ] and then i had a panic attack not but not bad but just like all of a sudden it was like the dread you know and uh and i listened to joe talk about sanjay gupta and he he was like joe's like no no that's part of the that's part of the process i'm paraphrasing that's part of the process yeah i welcome those because then that's something i need to deal with so i confront it and i deal with that anxiety and then when you're done you're a better person because you've dealt with that that anxiousness whatever made you paranoid you dealt with it he goes i actually embrace it and i was like what is wrong with his brain like how the [ __ ] doesn't he sprint away from a panic attack yeah i wonder what joe's insecurities are and i wonder i think the fact the way that um he deals with stuff i think a lot of it has to do with his martial arts upbringing and training of like you go and you attack your weakness like you train on your weaknesses you you know you keep going with your strengths and you you can't you can't run away from um a weakness in fighting if you do you're just gonna get you're [ __ ] knocked out and like the way that he approaches things in life it feels like the way you would uh train for something you know what i mean where you're like hey i'm not doing this this is a weakness for me i got to get better at it yeah and like that's the way i've always seen the way he deals with stuff it's a really interesting mindset he told me a long time ago and i and i i wish i had i really wish i had taken him up on it i mean he said it to you too around the same time but he was like um he was like let me get you into jiu jitsu like i think that really helped you right now yeah yeah and it was like i was like yeah and then i remember i went and sat with eddie bravo and eddie probably had a black eye and i go what do you what do you what happened in your eye and he was like what are you talking about it was like a black eye and he was like oh do i i was like huh and he was like i guess i must have hit it rolling and i was like you don't even know you have a black guy do you realize how i mean i would be like all over that and i was like you can just you get black eyes and he's like hey you black guys like yeah it's contact sport and i was like can you lose teeth and he was like i mean sure i guess i mean it doesn't really happen but you bump into someone yeah and i was like i'm on television like i can't have i can't just show up with a black eye i mean a black guy on television is like you cannot watch that episode you're like wait is he gonna say what happened to his eye and just all the time like anyway welcome back yeah yeah yeah that's uh that's really how did we get to from anal butt plugs to insecurities do you think we opened up a part of our feminine side and that we started sharing yeah i like it did we get word from christy mack no maybe um when we do our next episode you know we'll try again yeah again and by the way i'm i feels bizarre because you know she's not like she's not she you we were talking about this right she's not like a porn shouldn't do porn anymore no she only did it for that's crazy very short no idea you can do porn that was the other girl remember the one that that came out like really against the whole industry like totally different than i'm saying mia khalifa that girl mia khalifa and she was like she i saw an interview with her when she was like i was manipulated into like doing these you know like yeah it was very like anti that industry and she also said that she did it for like a few months yeah it's crazy that you could do porn for a because they'll like clip it up so it looks like you have like you know tons more content that would make me [ __ ] crazy what if you were a porn star i've seen clips i've seen clips of me a while ago i don't look for anything anymore a while ago i remember i had said something on monday on a podcast with you and someone just clipped it out and it made it look like i was saying something horrible and i and i felt very powerless over it yeah and it kind of made me crazy so i was like that's not what i said like you get you're taking completely out of context and using it for your own agenda and it's a very long it was i can tell you what it was but it was a while ago right and and uh and it bothered me it bothered me really bad and then i was at that point i was like i can't look at stuff about me that isn't about like i just can't look at anything about me yeah um [Music] and to imagine that the you film let's say like let's i mean say you do it for a month so you film 10 scenes to make rent imagine if you did it honestly like imagine if you did it at 22. no by the way that's that's another thing that is making me lose my mind because i definitely would have done something like that like i definitely would have not fought things through yeah they've been like and you're like they're every time like here's another thousand dollars you're like thousand dollars thousand dollars to [ __ ] this chick i'll do it and then and then that lives in perpetuity yeah for the rest of your eternity and you're like you're like hey man that's not who i am that's something i did yeah and then and because i've heard mia khalifa is like really into sports dude the reason i swear to you the reason i first learned who she was was because of that yeah she's me too and i saw this on twitter i was like who's this chick yeah she had like some crate like showing her tits shirt on and talking about she was like talking details of the game she's like i don't know why they're not handing off to dalvin cook more i was like what [ __ ] it's funny she's gotten in she's done interviews where she got gotten in fights with the radio shows because they're like all they want to talk about her porn and she's like and she's like hey man i don't do that anymore and then in a weird way they won't let her live out of that yeah yeah and you're like and and part most of the time it's just a a person listening yeah you you often side with the radio show going like why won't you talk about it well part of me i i heard a bit about that and part of me just goes like oh you just kind of want to go you know what would like probably make like her feel better like if they insist on interviewing her like hey you know here's porn star and be like yeah yeah i remember 2011. anyway like just kind of yeah acknowledge it and then be like because she's she is way more than just that period of her life sure but the fact that people won't let her outlive it would that would make me absolutely [ __ ] crazy and yeah like i don't like this i don't i don't even want to tell people what i don't like because it bothers me i don't want them to know what i don't like you know so i can imagine if i have things i don't want to talk about yeah i can ima and i don't even want i don't even want to bring them up yeah i can imagine that it's that thing that they bring up every [ __ ] time yeah and you can't get away from it yeah i um we all have things that you know i actually i'm it makes it makes you like it makes this what makes this fun or like doing like uh joe's podcast fun like doing podcasts of people you know where they know you so well yes that you don't have to it's not a first-time interview yeah that's why a first-time man we all we've you know at this point we've each done like thousands of hours of podcasting yeah but sometimes it's like a couple minutes into one and you're like this is not someone to podcast with i just yeah god i wish they were dead i wish they would die right here in front of me [Music] i uh i'll give you a list really sure yeah like i wish i i wish like a certain podcast i could be like hold on a second hey could you get this [ __ ] idiot out of here and like i i like you could you remove him by his neck i can't like there's yeah i'm not a good you know what i'm not good at i'm not good at um uh imagination podcasts you know where like where it's like everyone's in character oh my god and i have to be in character too i know i'm just so bad at that i did one where like they were like the guy would go the worse is that he'd go he would go in and out of yeah you know imagination and reality and i would stay in reality and then he'd be like not right now like wait what are we doing and then somebody was like do you not want to i was like okay i was i'm i'm happy to be here yeah i i've i've had one there's one in particular that i'm sure people can find where i uh i asked the person do you have alcohol and they're like it's like 10 in the morning and i was like i know and i have to be here for another hour and i can't do this i didn't say that to them directly and they're like we can get you like a beer i go what do you have and i just drank whatever [ __ ] cooking sherry whatever they had because i didn't want to be there i literally was like i was like i don't know what to do like i know how to be burnt i don't know am i supposed to be a pirate right now and they're like because everyone's in character and they're taking phone calls and i'm like i'm like wait is is this real like i didn't know what was real and what wasn't real and they're like hey brenda's on the phone she's got cancer hey what questions do you have and i'm like i'm so sorry to hear you have cancer and then she's like and you're like do you have cancer are you dying brenda can someone give me another glass of cooking sherry yeah that's the worst oh i'm getting nervous doing like i'm getting uncomfortable doing it it reminds me of radio i had a guy on my podca where did i just do radio wait wait tell me a good radio story i love good radio stories i'll tell you a good radio story why you think sacramento okay okay i go into this radio show and the guy that takes me to the the worst radio one of the worst radios i've ever done okay the guy that takes me brings me in sits me in the waiting room goes and talks to the radio show and he goes they don't want you i want what he goes they don't want you man i guess we're just gonna go home and i was like okay he was like i'm trying to convince him so just hang out this guy that owns a club hang out i'm gonna go talk to him again and i was like i don't think i want to do it and he was like no no no we need to do it you're not moving any tickets and i was like okay and i'm like and i go i tell them i'm really good on radio and he's like i'm telling them and they just think they saw a picture of you and they don't think you're funny and i was like okay so he comes back and he's like he was like uh he's like okay they're gonna give you a shot but you gotta kill it man and i was like okay i'm gonna do my best so i go in and there's two old dudes and they're like they're like they're not even making eye contact with me they're like man all right traffic okay all right yeah yeah yeah yeah okay all right in studio performing at da da da is uh a comedian he's here for the morning uh brent crystal's okay brent what's up and i started in this joke about falling in the tub which is yeah you know it was a good joke i put on one of my specials and and i'm like i'm like yeah you know and they're like were you drunk and i was like what and like when you fell in the tub you fell because you were drunk and i was like oh no and then i'm trying to like not i go no but i'm definitely drank in a tub and they're like you're drinking a tub and i go you never pre-party before you go out and as i'm saying i remember as i'm saying you never pre-party before you go out where you have a cigarette up here and the beer up here and he goes oh my god a cop's been shot [Laughter] cut his mic a cop's been shot oh my god i think he's dead so on the five a cop has been shot he's been shot and he's and then he's looking at me what are you still doing here and i was like see guys can you mention i'm at the club this weekend their tickets still available for the thursday show it's just christ dude oh i remember i remember getting so angry at that guy yeah because he was so excited that a cop had been shot because it was news for him yeah and i was like i was like there's a real person that got shot yeah of course by the way you can actually find out you can probably actually find out exactly what that radio show was i'm sure you could yeah by the way so i always hated doing radio yeah but that's so funny because i love it and they you know i still do radio i still do radio i know you do i'm doing radio i've already sold all my shows in tampa i'm still doing radio and tampa yeah well you're awesome but i mean that's cowhead yeah yeah but i mean i always hated doing it and they would always pick you up sometimes with like enthusiasm they'd be like guess what you're doing like the four big shows this morning and i was like i don't give a [ __ ] and they were like okay we are we are so different so we are so different i wish i had a tom jersey i could put on and just get some of your powers sometimes i don't give a [ __ ] do you know what i was for real really who are they and then i'd be on my phone so i would show up and they'd be like you know this is like john he's the producer of like the biggest show here and john would be like you know what do you want to talk about i'm like i don't care man and he was like okay so [Laughter] i can tell you three real quick ones one time in kansas the kansas city one i just remembered that i get there and they're like this is the biggest show in kansas city and the [ __ ] host was fighting with it you know how those they're getting real weird familiar relationships he was like and in the hallway he's like no [ __ ] you and they were like that's the host i was like i kind of like him and so they're like they're like yeah we're going to get you in there it's just you know they're having like they're really like not getting along right now and i was like okay and i just waited and waited and we're sitting there like 45 minutes and then he's come out and they're like they're not gonna have you on and i was like i can go and they're like yeah i'm so sorry i'm like i'm not upset at all yeah like i i never want to do this and they were like okay so they like we just waited in a radio station i was just upset that i was tired you woke me up to sit in the lobby of this radio station and now we can go let's go so we left in denver uh in denver the guy came to the show one of the guys came to the show on a thursday and he pulls the lady aside at the comedy works and it was like you know this is pre-selling tickets yeah just a [ __ ] killer show and requests to have us stop by in the morning and she's like that's awesome like he was he was at the show that's the best and i was like i was like okay so she picks me up and we go oh i gotta remember the other one uh he picks me up or she picks me up when we go in the morning and i get there he's like dude he goes that was the [ __ ] you're hilarious and i was like oh thank like you know it's what yeah yeah yeah as opposed to being there when they're like who are you so i walk in there and it's him and a co-host and he's like he's like john this guy and john's like all right all right so they come back from the break and he's like he's like joining us now he's like man i was at comedy works last night this guy brought the [ __ ] house down he's so [ __ ] funny uh tom segura and i was like hey guys and then he's like hey so uh he like brings up a topic like what do you think of that and i was like yeah i don't know man it's [ __ ] crazy and then was he bringing up stuff from your act isn't that well he he like he started and then he's like and then there was a sports segment so he's like oh let's talk about sports so i just started jumping in on sport real sports talk yeah and then the co-host looks at me goes like right in front of he's like when is he gonna do something funny and and and so and then on the air he goes no i swear i was there last night he he's funny on the air on the air i'm being serious he's like i'm serious and the other guy's like i'm waiting for it and i was just like oh i'm not gonna do anything that you want me to do like i was like where is that in your brain i wish i had an ounce of that the other one was i did a radio show where they're like give us your uh your lead-ins and i go i don't have any and they're like you you have to and i was like then i guess i won't be on the show and so then the club was like please don't do this yeah like and i was like i go i go i'm willing to go in there but i will not give him anything to ask me yeah and they were like he he needs something to ask you i go i don't ask me what you want to ask me and they're like no you tell us what he'll ask you and i go i don't have anything to say and they go they go okay and they go get em so they get the host during the commercial break and he comes out and he goes hey um you're supposed to come in next and i go yeah and they go they said you don't you don't want me to ask you anything i go no you can ask me anything you want yeah so whatever you want to ask me you can ask me and he's like like did you have a kid recently i'm like yeah he goes oh so i'll ask you that i go okay it's up to you man and he's like okay and then he so he did his own pre-interview yeah and then his stat his staff was like they were so scared of him they were like they're like oh they're like he never comes out and does this by the way by the way i think i know who this is really yeah i do and then i go because he does i know this i almost i'm almost certain i know who this is yeah because he is uh he's he does great interviews well he does the pre-interview we so we ended up having a great a great [ __ ] time yeah yeah yeah and it's funny because i know exactly what you're talking about and uh and i've i've been doing his show for [ __ ] years and i love doing it it was great because he knows once he knows who you are yeah he and and sometimes and i don't know this that staff guy per se but sometimes those staff guys get in the way of their host doing a great job it's true i had a place in uh i wish i could remember the exact i want to say st louis but no it wasn't st louis okay and i the guy the the producer came out was like hey man i i thought they were playing a game on air i think we're listening and they were playing a game and he's like i'm gonna need five you know talking points and i thought they were talking about animals so i just wrote down five animals like i thought that was part of the game we were playing and so i went in and they gave the sheet to the guy and the guy's like all right bert so you love horses i think i was like i do love horses and no it was it was uh it was dogs it was all animals dogs tigers cats yeah and and horses this is a game and i thought it was the part of the game i thought i was going to play the game and we came in he goes and whatever he says he's like you got a dog and i was like i do have a dog and so i started doing that and he's like and then the next one was like and a cat i was like i have a cat too and so i'm like all right he's like and you have a tiger and i was like ah he's like you like horses and i'm like oh my god he's reading the things i wrote down and i was like oh [ __ ] i love riding horses i'm fascinated by tigers and i'm trying to think of a tiger [ __ ] i was like you know that ligers are real things he's like why didn't we write down lager lager's interesting god damn it yeah all right we should grab this up yeah we should wrap this up this has been a fun episode it was and and the interesting thing is that like it started with butt plugs and it even got it got almost better after butt do you think plugs podcast has gotten better since you moved to austin yeah why because you're here yeah but but i was why is it because i noticed it's gotten better like i i'm not that i'm enjoying it i am enjoying it more do we miss each other i think so i think that's what it is i think we lived in the same city we would see each other and we you know i think because we're living in different cities it's an event to get here yeah just yeah just wish i could transport that hooters private jet we gotta check we haven't looked at the email yet i bet hooters hit me up that would be the biggest thing to happen to hooters for they could use the plot as positive pr you think so yeah they're getting slammed right now because of the outfits what was that that documentary what was it where the guy was running a hooters he put beans on a plate for the waitresses and he's like all right it's pig trough time piggies whoever eats it first they can get off work it was undercover boss and then they're like um and then the best is that the guy who like runs hooters has to be like i can't believe you demean these women like this oh my god oh my god all right all right i love you love you too [Music] tommy one goes topless while the other wears the shirt tom tells stories inverts the machine there's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean here's what we call two bears one cave no scripts a bitter booze amateur patology dirty jokes raunchy humor no apologies here's what we call two bears one cave [Music] you

Channel: YMH Studios

Views: 842,575

Keywords: ymh, your mom's house, your moms house, tom segura, christina pazsitzky, christina p, mommies, jeans, up, high and tight, what's with the jeans, denim on denim, podcast

Id: DNqS5wFJg0E

Length: 86min 11sec (5171 seconds)

Published: Mon Nov 15 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/jamiekynnminer]

I can't believe I know what Mommy Christine hears right before Tom cums. Wtf. lol.

[u/cohrt]

WTF is this episode?

[u/luminous_hedgehog]

I had a heavy drinker of a friend that’d start wearing you thin by the end of the night with constant stories of grandiose bullshit, fucking awful business ideas and was seemingly impervious to the bottles of alcohol he’d put down.

Turns out he had a bit of a coke problem.

These back to back episodes are starting to make me sad.

[u/cathbadh]

I found the toys bit entertaining. Then bart started telling stories about his elderly mom regularly drinking to the point of passing out and how funny he found it, and I got sad

[u/ThrowAway615348321]

Who do we think Tom was talking about when talking about doing a podcast with people he wished would leave. Who were some of the worst YMH guests in terms of group chemistry

[u/dvongetthetables]

7 minutes in and it's off to a shocking start.

[u/Hranica]

Holy fuck Berts out of breath by the time he's telling a drinking story from last night 12 minutes in ._.

Not even making fun of the guy at this point but jesus fuck if he runs 40 miles a week talking and breathing shouldn't be this much of a challenge

[u/outsanity_haha]

I like how Bert thinks bringing in sex toys is a bit.

[u/[deleted]]

It gets harder each week. Would love to see Tim do a rotating cast with dudes like Tim Dillon, Rawlings, Burr, and all the other dudes he had on while Bert was away.

And honestly, the same would work for Bert as well. He isn’t a bad podcaster. He’s just way to comfortable with Tom and it doesn’t yield much.