Enneagram: Blind Spots of Type 9

hey guys how's it going my name is dr tom lehu and i want to welcome you to my channel and today we're going to be talking about some of the blind spots for a type 9 and some of the things that maybe that are true or you might realize are true about yourself that maybe you don't think about very often maybe doesn't uh you aren't aware of so that's why they're called blind spots and i hope this video is helpful to you i hope that it makes sense and i want to thank you guys for for joining me today in the description below is a link to my website and i do offer coaching appointments if you want to talk to me directly and also i want to thank my patrons for your support the link is also there below i really appreciate your help and your encouragement and uh all right so today we're going to be talking about uh type nine and you know nines are peacemakers nines don't want to have problems nines don't want to cause problems in this world they are are peace loving people who are motivated by peace motivated by harmony motivated by tranquility and comfort and everything you do as a nine is just as motivated as a three would be uh people might look at their nine son or daughter and say help me my son isn't motivated i can't get them to you know get up and go to work and find a job and get married and go to school and and they just seem like they're not motivated oh no they're very motivated they're just not motivated by winning and achieving and accomplishing like a three or motivated by pursuing what they think will gratify their desires and satisfy them like s7 they're not motivated to accomplish their agenda uh whatever the cost like an eight but nines are extremely motivated motivated to protect their peace comfort tranquility and harmony and uh so uh the that desire to to um uh to be at peace and to live in peace can sometimes create some blind spots for you as a nine i want to look at a beatrice chestnut's book today and and go over this list and talk about it a little bit all right so what are the blind spots number one uh your own agenda can be a blind spot knowing what you want and knowing what you want to accomplish could be difficult for you as a nine i've had many conversations with nines that can't formulate what they want out of life that are unable to it doesn't register it just doesn't register very easily for a nine to know what they want what they want to do what they want to accomplish what they hope to uh to do and be in life can be difficult uh can be kind of slippery for a nine to get a hold of um and maybe even knowing why that's important can be difficult for the nine to a blind spot for the nine um if you are a nine it may not occur to you that you also have desires and priorities just like everybody else it may not occur to you i like to say to nines ask yourself this simple question is it okay for any normal person to expect such and such or to want this or that so for example is it just that normal person question is it okay for is it okay and is it normal to expect a normal person to uh to act in such a way what i mean is if you were sitting at a restaurant and let's say your your water was was running low and you were needing a refill and the waitress walks by you might feel like well i don't know that i want to really interrupt her she looks busy i don't know that i want to interrupt her and ask her to refill my cup i guess i'm fine it's not a big deal ask yourself that question would it be okay for a normal person under normal circumstances to ask a waiter or waitress to refill their cup of water and you would think to yourself well sure yeah absolutely i wouldn't have a problem if i was the waitress and somebody asked me for a refill well then why isn't it okay for you to act in that same way if it's okay for a normal person to decide what kind of job they want to work at if it's okay for a normal person to decide what kind of car they want to drive doesn't it make sense that you also should have some input and be allowed to make some decisions about your own life isn't that normal and to be expected that you should have some kind of say in what you want to do with your day with your time where you go on vacation for example or where you live or where your kids go to school it would be okay for a normal person to have input on those decisions and it's okay for you to show up fully into those decisions as well and make your voice known but you know nines again may not register what they want they may not register with you and uh so you may tend to give in to what others want on a regular basis which is further compounded by the fact that you have the ability to really understand the other person's perspective you have this gift of seeing other people's perspectives so strongly that your own perspective sort of wanes it's hard for you to really grasp at times your own perspective on things and so you tend to in order to keep the peace with people give in to other people's wants and wishes while you sort of deflect away your own or don't register your own wants and wishes which can then of course lead to feeling resentful later and it may you know find that anger of the nine when uh you may sort of uh you know be upset but really may not even know why you're upset or may not want to know why you're upset um learning to ask for what you want is crucial it's it's uh essential it's important to sit with yourself long enough to know what you want and then be willing to speak up for yourself to ask for what you want when you don't know what you want then it just is an indication that you need to spend some time alone the closer to nature i think the better it would be for you to go out and sit for a while and with no distractions with no television or phone or or music or headphones or anything and just sit there quietly and let your mind uh go where your mind will go and i think your mind will eventually you'll start to hear yourself you'll start to hear things pop up that maybe you haven't been necessarily tuned into so compassionately keep on listening to yourself until you're able to hear yourself in a more you know a more important way or a more obvious way you'll eventually learn to connect with your own desires and that you have tended to go to sleep too now why would you go to sleep to your own desires well that's a good way to get along with people you have a fear as a nine that whatever love is left for you is possibly going to be withdrawn from you and so if i speak up and i and i say what i want that could cause the other person to be upset with me and withdraw whatever remaining love is left in this relationship and i would be all alone i would be by myself um and you might realize a blind spot is i tend to get along with people by shutting my own voice down and that is a good strategy and at times can be very beneficial to get along with people but you don't want to lose yourself in the process of getting along with others that would be called merging with others right fusing with others which is something that nines might be prone to do all right number two you might have a blind spot when it comes to your own anger you may not even register your own anger certainly you don't probably want to register your own anger especially nine wing ones i think nine wing eights are a little bit more willing to bark and growl um but nine wing ones tend to be very peaceful uh peace loving peace oriented people and this might lead to what others would perceive passive aggressive behaviors like not showing up blacklisting people walking around the office so that you can avoid somebody that makes your life miserable or somebody you don't want to talk to or somebody maybe that you didn't that you did wrong you know as a nine maybe you were invited to come to joe's birthday party and you said sure yeah yeah i'll be there sure yeah yeah and then you didn't come because you didn't want to but you didn't want to voice that out loud you didn't want to say i don't want to come because i don't like joe you don't want to say that so you just agree and nod and feign your sort of agreement to this and then when you don't show up now you feel awkward when you go back to work on monday and joe's going to be sitting there so you might go out of your way to go around the building so as to not have to walk past joe because it feels awkward for you um you don't want to uh to have that conversation you don't want to have that moment so you might tend to be a little more indirect in your ways of um do uh you might tend to be a little more indirect and covert in your strategies of dealing with difficult people which would be perceived as being passive aggressive it would be a good thing for you as a nine to just sit and on that rock out in the woods to sit on that front porch you know staring at a tree and try to lean into your anger now i don't know that i would recommend that for every type but i certainly do for nines i think it's good for nines like sevens need to lean into their their sadness and lean into the the darker heavier weightier things of life that they tend to avoid i think nines it would be good for you to lean into your anger and if you're starting to feel anger bubble up and you're thinking to yourself you know that wasn't right for those people at work to leave me out like that and and now that i think about it you know any normal person would be upset by the things that that sandy said and that mary said and that that that would upset anybody why why run away from that why get angry at yourself for being angry why not just lean into that anger and let yourself feel it it might be good for you you know anger is a powerful motivator look at eights and look at ones they're the other two in the anger triad look how motivated and driven they are it might be good for you to tap into some of that anger how can you deal with anger if you don't acknowledge that it's there if you deny that it's there and what i'm getting at is just because you don't acknowledge it doesn't mean it's not there and if it's there it's going to show up it just may not show up in over direct ways it may show up and will show up in in covert indirect ways that other people might pick up on uh whether you want them to or not so why not you know eight is the truth seeker right so why not lean into the eight a little bit and be honest with yourself uh and allow yourself to process some of that anger rather than shoving it down and oh no it's fine it's no big deal i don't really mind i was headed by your house anyway i'll be glad to pick you up you know you tend to talk to yourself and tell yourself that what other people want is fine and it's okay and it's no big deal and it's all right why not just lean into that and say that anger and say you know what it's not okay it's not all right it's not fair it's not the way it should be and you and you're not respecting my time and you're not respecting my voice and you're not respecting my opinion why not allow yourself to think about all that and process that well because you don't want problems you don't want a problem because you're a nine problems feel bad problems feel icky problems feel gross and so you don't want a problem so you will talk yourself off of that problem but maybe you shouldn't maybe you should have to sit with that problem for a while it will disturb my peace well okay maybe your piece needs to be disturbed a little bit um maybe you're not as at peace as you'd like to think you're you are okay all right so what else do we got here number three um your own need for recognition and support from others you might be blind to your own need for recognition and support from others well i mean what did i really do i didn't really do anything it was the team that did it it was and so nines you know they tend to undervalue themselves they tend to not really appreciate you know all that they bring to the table you guys are mediators man you guys bring people together who would not otherwise work together you guys are in uh almost always a a compatibility mode where you're just easy to get along with and people like you and people like being around you and you tend to calm everybody's fears and you tend to to to be steady persevering enduring workers and you bring so much to the table that you may not appreciate and when people finally applaud you and when people finally recognize you you might tend to dismiss and deflect that away like oh it's nothing it's nothing i didn't really i mean it's it's everybody else um and um let's see under appreciate their own need to be recognized for their contributions and achievement and deflect positive feedback okay well if somebody says you did a great job we're so proud of you we couldn't do it without you why not just say thank you why not just say thank you i really appreciate that thank you thank you um okay number four another blind spot how the desire for harmony can actually lead to conflict oh i love it i love it how the desire for harmony can actually lead to conflict so you want everybody to get along and you want to be positive and you want to be nice and you want to be thoughtful and caring and all that's great i mean it really is that's great stuff so you don't tell jack that he can't be on the the new committee that you're forming so jack who has no business being on this committee that tends to isolate everybody and tends to cause problems wherever he goes pushes in and says hey i want to serve on the committee i really care about you know this this project you're working on i want to serve on the committee and being the agreeable kind gentle soul that you are you don't say sorry jack there's no room for you on this team try again next time you can't bring yourself to do that because you want to keep peace and harmony everywhere you go and you want to be positive so you let jack join the team now you got a real problem don't you because now nobody else wants to be on that team and nobody now the whole team is sabotaged because you didn't want to be the bad guy until jack get off the team there's not there's not a room not opportunity for you on this team or maybe you have a good team and everybody's looking to you to lead them and guide them but you don't want to be direct you don't want to look at people and say all right well you need to be here at 8 o'clock and you need to get the form a filled out and team b needs to get the form you know c filled out and i need that by tuesday you know in order for a team to work effectively they need clear direct instructions you appreciate that when you have a leader that's giving you offering you clear direct instructions but it can be hard for you to do that same task because it feels aggressive it feels aggressive to order people around and tell them what you expect and to be clear about your expectations that feels like you're pushing your agenda and that's hard for a nine to do that and so your desire to keep the peace can actually work against you and create conflict create an environment where conflict you know if you've got two people on a team that are barking at each other and they're not getting along and uh you don't want to deal with it you don't want to deal with it you don't want to you don't want to get in the middle of it so you let them hurt one another you let you know the stronger one dominate the weaker one and now the weaker one doesn't want to be on the team anymore and is crying and is upset and you're kind of taking yourself out of it like well i didn't do anything well i i wasn't the reason but you're in charge of it you were in charge of the team and you let the little guy get hurt because you didn't intervene and tell the bully to stop so your desire to keep the peace at all cost could actually create an environment where conflict you know those that uh avoid conflict are guaranteed to have it let me say that a hundred times those that avoid conflict are guaranteed to have it and whatever conflict you don't deal with externally ends up becoming internal conflict within you you get to have all these arguments in your head and guess what you're going to build resentment and frustration and ultimately it's going to sabotage the very thing you're trying to create which is a positive working environment or a positive relationship all right good stuff what else do we got here one two three four five your lack of clarity and communicating with others um i feel like we kind of already touched that um avoiding conflict and tension may lead you to think you got to stay positive but people need clear instruction communication and the last one is your own stress level your own stress level people might say hey are you doing okay yeah i'm fine i'm fine why are you asking why i'm okay yeah i'm okay when maybe you really aren't maybe you feel like you have to be okay for others because the other people their lives matter other people's lives matter my life doesn't matter what my what i want what i decide what i do it doesn't really matter other people matter and other people need me to be positive other people need me to be okay other people need me to relate well to them and so i've got to be careful that i'm not a problem i don't want to be a problem to people because if i was they would remove the last little bits of love that are left for me you know nines tend to operate as though i'm not really going to be loved in this world so whatever i get from people you know i've got to be careful that i don't sabotage it by being a problem if i listen to myself i'd be a problem so i don't listen to myself i listen to others and do what they want and that's great that's really great i mean that's why people like you but the problem always is at what cost to yourself and what costs to your life you know lean on your eight there for a second eights feel like i have a right to be here i have a right to voice my opinion i have a right to live my life i have a right to own my calendar i have a right to own my house and do what i want i can park my car anywhere i want to park it it's my house my yard why are they telling me i can't park my car on the sidewalk that's ridiculous my house my yard lean on that a little bit as an eight or as a nine and say i have a right to show up fully to life this is my life and if i don't want to go to um you know if i don't want to go on saturday to the to the musical i can say no i don't want to go to the musical i don't want to go do that i want to go do something else but they'll be upset with me well this is why we negotiate in life we talk we communicate we negotiate we we one person says what they want another person says what they want and then we talk about it and negotiate it until we come to some kind of resolution where both of us agree but if you just if you just always acquiesce and merge with the other person then it's not two people finding agreement it's just one person and another who's picture framing around that person and just you know merging with them eventually anybody's going to get tired of somebody who look let me put it this way if you and i agree about everything and you and i don't have any differences of opinion then you aren't necessary because i already have all my own opinions why do i need somebody that just agrees with all of my opinions but you are necessary you have your own voice and people want to hear that voice people want to meet you they want you to show up fully and they want you to argue for what you what you believe in and stand up for what you think even if you're not sure even if you're not sure yet formulate it you know don't be afraid to step out there and talk about it and formulate what you think and formulate what you believe and listen to yourself and be compassionate with yourself it may take a while for you to learn to hear yourself but i'm sure when you do you're going to love the person that you meet i know i will all right be present to life guys um blessings on you this day bye

Channel: Dr. Tom LaHue

Views: 13,265

Rating: 4.9721255 out of 5

Keywords: enneagram, enneagram type 9, type nine, relationships, passive aggressive, covert, love, family, marriage, home, parenting, personalities

Id: cUBogUkwEgA

Length: 22min 2sec (1322 seconds)

Published: Thu Oct 01 2020