Enneagram: Subtypes of Type 5

hey guys welcome to my channel welcome today we're gonna be talking about type 5 and the subtypes of type 5 or the instincts of type 5 and before we get started I just want to welcome you to my channel my name is dr. Tom will Hugh and you can check out my website in the description below Tamla Hugh calm and there I have a lot of free resources I'm adding to it constantly free downloads for you guys and also there's a store there with just some fun t-shirts Enneagram t-shirts and some links to some books that I would recommend as well as two online courses that I've just developed one of them the happiness information that I covered on YouTube has been developed into a full course as well as a course on getting over being perfect we all recognize that none of us are perfect some of us have a hard time with that though and I am working on a Enneagram for caregivers certificate course so that'll be coming up pretty soon as well look for that update on my website as well as free downloads in a store and all that you can also book Enneagram coaching appointments and I do appointments with people all during the week from all over the world I'd love to to help you or talk with you and encourage you any way I can and do want to thank all the thank those people that have signed up to be patrons all the information is is right there on the description below so let's get into the five the subtypes or the instincts of the five and let's start with the self preservation 5 or what is sometimes called the castle 5 the boundary 5 this is the 5 that enjoys being at home feels comfortable at home or in those places that are safe places maybe their office maybe their their study their classroom wherever they work they'll have like this place you know that's sort of like their area and they feel very confident and very secure in that area in their home in their home environment sometimes called the castle defender they like to have a refuge or a lair I like that word 4/5 begin with saying that from what I understand you know the the three different subtypes of the five most look like each other compared to all the others subtypes of the other types so when you take the 5s and you divide them up into the three subtypes or the three instincts you'll have a more difficult time separating these fives then you do the say for example the three different ones or the three different subtypes of the twos they're easier to distinguish than the fives the fives most look alike from my understanding so the self preservation 5 is the most five-ish of the fives or the 5 that looks like a 5 this this fives focus of their attention is on keeping people at a distance and keeping boundaries in those relationships it's as if I can attend to people people their problems people are difficult people are challenging people take up my time I've only got so much energy I've got and you know 5 is always kind of the one of the ways we understand 5s or 5 Ness is sort of that that idea that I have limited energy and since since they've limited themselves or have those limits on themselves they tend you know their sin is greed or avarice it's tanginess it's well then I need to maintain what I do have I need to maintain the energy I do have a need to maintain the resources I do have and so they're focused on on you know maintaining that energy or keeping that energy and not you know just the spelling and are losing it with people losing that energy on attending to people and so this v can attend to people and can be present in people's life if those boundaries are intact and if they have a good escape route or the escape hatches available to them so they're they feel most comfortable at home they feel most comfortable when the boundaries are clearly defined my role your role her role and everybody stays within their lanes stays within their limits they like they will minimize their connections with others and have and have connections with others but usually typically it's a few close friends people that they relate to and feel comfortable with and feel confident with they will have a tendency to save or a tendency to kind of live with just in case plans you know just in case it rains you need to be prepared they to minimize their connections with others and have a few close friends they they don't want people coming to them with a lot of questions coming to them with a lot of needs and so they can be friendly they can be very friendly I've got one of these people in my life and they can come across very friendly very warm probably warmest of the fives they kind of can come across very friendly but don't I think the caution is don't mistake that that friendliness for an invitation to friendship okay so think of the friendliness as maybe a little bit like camouflage like I'm gonna be friendly and warm and kind with you and now we had a pleasant exchange right so now go away so now move away from me I didn't give you any reason to get up in my business so I was friendly I was kind I was warm I was considerate and and all of that was a good exchange so now the exchange can be over and you can move away and I can move back to my safe place or back to my home because it expels energy to have interactions with people and so this five isn't probably going to want to have as much conflict to say for example the social five this five isn't going to have as much conflict with people because they don't want to attend to people they don't want to dispel their energy with people and so conflict takes a lot of energy takes a lot of dialog takes a lot of exchange and that's what they're seeking to avoid so they may come across very warm kind friendly and sociable at times in order to sort of have permission to now distance away from you but it's not an invitation to more their friendliness is not an invitation often to friendship not that they don't have friends but they don't need a lot of friends that's the whole point of being a five is you don't have a lot of needs you're not in touch with your needs you tend to shut down those needs and and have less needs and so that's why you maintain that's why they tend to maintain what they have because they don't have a need for more okay so they can be friendly as camouflage and they and they can adapt their expectations of people in order to sort of minimize their dependency on people they don't want to be dependent on people they don't want people dependent on them they don't want people intruding on them you know social interactions can feel like an intrusion and so we need to be kind friendly and warm with people as to move them away now they may also just come across harsh and direct and blunt with people in order to move people away too particularly if their friendliness didn't work or their friendliness doesn't seem to be working they may find ways to hide and withdraw if someone gets too close or the relationship feels threatening or becomes too what you might say just interdependent you know relationships are interdependent I need you and you need me and we we give and take and we you know we move together and we depend on one another and all that seems kind of you know intrusive to this castle five they feel safe within their walls this is the five that's least likely to want to venture out into the world least likely to want to venture out into unknown places unknown territories try new things this five tends to you know want to stay close stay close to home base the least communicative of the fives of the three fives this is the least likely to want to sit down and communicate and have a long conversations sharing their heart sharing their you know even sharing their passions those kinds of things the social five is gonna be much more communicative in terms of of sharing information than this five this foot the focus of this five is not on information the focus of this five is on keeping boundaries is on remaining secure is on keeping others at a distance okay doesn't want to venture out into the world okay most seemingly warm can be caring if their escape routes are sure can come across the caring if their escape routes are sure and escape route to mean like okay so we're having a party at work and everybody's gathered together in the break room and we're all you know celebrating Marty's birthday that uh this five can be friendly if they can if they know that they can leave that party anytime they want and go back to their desk and sit in private you know close our door and be left alone but if they were forced into the situation and let's say they're depending on somebody else to give them a ride home and they don't have a way out and they and they're locked into this room with all these other people then you might start to see the tension rise or that five might start to feel the tension eyes within them but as long as they're escape routes are sure then they they can they can come across a lot more engaging with people because they know they can get away if this relationship stays within the boundaries then this person can probably attend to you if people don't ask too much don't demand too much they don't start asking for things that they don't have a right to ask for then this five can probably be very aim you know amiable and even affectionate and and warm with that person if everybody stays in their in their lanes they can attend to them this five likes to be alone they feel invaded and intrude it upon easily they don't want to owe thanks to others they don't want to be obligated to others they don't want others going to them or feeling obligated to them because they don't want the attachments remember part of five Ness is to be detached and when people owe you and you owe them then that creates an attachment and so we don't want to be attached we want to be detached from people and so we don't want to opal they can be loyal friends with a few people that they like and they can't even reach out and be friendly with everyone in the environment they want to get things right they want like all fives you know they want to get things right they want to get their facts correct they can be emotionally detached that doesn't mean they don't feel things I've had fives comment on my video saying you're saying fives don't feel their emotions I think fives do feel their emotions I'm not saying they don't feel things I just think that they're more focused on the intellectual information and the facts than they are on the emotional aspects and what I mean is is if there's a disagreement fives are going to detach away from all the emotional stuff or they're usually typically going to detach away from all the emotional stuff and then just record the exchange as fact this Mary said X Y Z Jack said you know ABC and then this person you know demonstrated this behavior and this person demonstrated this emotion and it's going to register as information in facts more than feeling all that emotion there they want to make a contribution in a actual intellectually and I don't know that that's not true of all fives but they want to make a contribution but here's the cool thing as these fives they don't need all the credit they don't need you know to be a big shot they don't need they don't have big ego needs so they want to make a contribution in an election way because of the information they shared in fives go to eight and they save the day with their information they challenge people with their facts and their information but this this five doesn't need doesn't have big ego needs they don't need to be you know looked up to or given the credit as much as maybe maybe the social five does they will engage in in their work to further their work but maybe not beyond what is necessary so they're good at saying hey this is how much energy I need to expend in order to finish this and so I'm going to expend that energy and I'm not really going to go beyond that they tend to be tend to compartmentalize people and jobs and tasks into roles and so they tend to compartmentalize people into into their roles and they may be kind of like leave them in those roles until they need on them you know maybe those they'll think to themselves who's the person that can fix a website well that's Steve so I go to Steve to fix a website I don't go to Steve you know to talk about my vacation I don't go to Steve to talk about you know what I ate for dinner last night that stuff that information stays with me and when I go to Steve it's because he fulfills a role he exists you know in my mind as a as the guy that fixes websites you know and so that's why I go to Steve Steve fills a role they can be very productive if they see value in their work they may direct things but they may want to direct things from sort of a distance so there may be a manager they may work over people but they probably are going to want to do that through text rather than phone calls then they want to do that through emails rather than meetings and conversations because they're going to want to relate to people in a more detached way okay they don't want to exhaust themselves and this goes back to that idea that I have a limb of energy and I have a limited amount you know of resources they don't want to show anger if they think they do believe that if it's gonna get done I'm gonna have to rely on myself to get it done I think that might be a little bit of a trade of all fives if it's gonna get done I have to have to rely on myself to get it done if they trust the people they work with they can be engaged with those people and again they like to avoid conflict because they are detached from people so they adapt to fit in but they don't really want to be seen so they want to fit in blend in and then move out okay they there can be a certain level of resentment in these fires because they have to work hard at trying to fit in they have to work at being nice they have to work at being pleasant they have to work at being friendly and they really hate all this mundane chatter they really dislike all this mundane small talk you know that greases the wheels of relationships and so there may be a little bit of resentment in these fights that they have to go along with all of this small talk and chatter in order to you know to fit in at the office in order to fit in at the school wherever they work they'll go along with it to keep people at a distance you know in order to just minimize conflict they don't want it to be called in to the supervisors office and have to answer for themselves all that seems very you know tedious and mundane and so there may be a little bit of resentment in these fives that they have to play along with all these niceties and play along with all these games in order to just do go to work and do their job as what they wanted you just go to work do my job and be left alone okay is that too much to ask and so the walls protect the boundaries and the walls protect these these fires from other people's intrusions on them they don't like surprises they may express their anger by we just withdrawing simply withdrawing from people and withdrawing from relationships or withdrawing from groups or withdrawing from conversations they have their guard up all the time always you know assessing whether or not this this interaction is going to be exhausting or there's going to be demanding and guard up against people intruding on their space they're very self-reliant they limit their needs they don't want to depend on others they live on a little they tend to erase their own desires and not give much attention to them so that then they preserve what they already have and I think you know a good example of this five and you know I really had a hard time going beyond this example and I'm sure they exist I just was trying to think about it you know who's a good example of this five I think of parks and recreation Ron Swanson on Parks and Recreation I think is a good example of what this five looks like beyond that I had a hard time coming up with more I'm sure that there are plenty other examples but I thought Ron was just a perfect example of what this five looks like in my mind and so I thought well I'm just going to share that one and as a as a you know as a clear in my mind example of a castle five beyond that I had to think about it alright so let's move on to the social five ok the social five or sometimes called the professor five this five the focus of their attention you know on the first one the self-preservation was on boundaries and on the roles that people fulfill and keeping people in those boundaries and protecting yourself the castle walls you know this five is focused on information this five is focused on the focus of their attention is on mastering the information and on in on being in the group of people that know okay being drawn to the people that know and being in the group of people that know I think to some degree this five can look like a seven because they're enthusiastic you know sevens are enthusiasts they find a topic and they just want to know everything and share all that information this five can look like that because they're drawn to information and they're drawn sometimes to sharing that information they can be very enthusiastic about their information or enthusiastic about the group in which they belong this five could also maybe a time to look like a six because they're very group oriented like I'm in the group that knows and those people are in the group that does that don't know and so there's us and them there's a there's an us-and-them about this five those that are intelligent those that are and those that are enlightened and I want to be drawn to them and be a part of that group and then then there are those that don't speak the language that don't know the code that are Outsiders and those people you know exist outside the the realm of this information this five is also sometimes called the totem five like a totem pole and I think it has to do with the idea I think the connotation is that this five you know there there is the tribe of people that know that the symbols represent the tribe and if you can speak in the right words and use the right code and speak in the right language and you understand you know whatever that code is everything from it might be metaphysics or it might be you know the code of ancient Near Eastern Studies or cellular biology whatever that subject is that they're drawn to that they've become a professor of they're drawn to the experts in that field and they want to get close to those experts and they want to be seen as an expert they want to become an expert and so those symbols or that language or that understanding becomes the totem for their tribe and the people that are in that tribe are the people that know and that can speak that language and then there's all the people that are outside that tribe that don't know that language that don't reflect that totem or don't don't don't have that totem you know symbolizing them so these fives again I think the professor is a great word for this five because they want to know and then they want to share that knowledge but professors you know have boundaries and so these fives of course being fives have boundaries they often they often express that information from a distant perspective or a distant a distant you know a professor has certain office hours and you're not supposed to really engage with them outside those office hours or outside that environment you know you don't go bowling with your professor for example he speaks he or she speaks from behind a desk and so they speak from behind a PowerPoint presentation and they have office hours and so if you want to speak with them you don't just walk up to them and interrupt their conversation you have to raise your hand and be called on and so there are certain boundaries you know that exists then you email them and they email you back and so that this this five you know would want to share all that information but they want to do it from the safety of a radio broadcast or a YouTube channel or you know and so there's this this barrier between me and other people this barrier between the social five and other people that I'm the expert back here in this room and I speak from this platform from this stage I speak from behind this desk and if you want to make an appointment with me then you need to go talk to my secretary and schedule that appointment so there's a boundary okay there's a distance I communicate all this information and it's like a seven for example isn't going to have those boundaries probably they're gonna communicate all that information and then they're gonna walk out and give high fives everybody you know and fives are going to be much more separated from the from the from the people that they are that they are trying to influence okay there's going to be distance between them and the people they're trying to influence okay so these fives also with that idea of totem is I think you know that they tend to assume a role or assume an identity in life and then they they live their life through that role or through that identity okay so if they are the professor of you know cellular biology then that's how they live their life in the world as the perfect or they're the what is it doctor one of the guys I subscribe taking remember his name exactly but he's very much plant-based whole food diet Gregor or something like that you know I probably very much a five I wrote the book on how not to die and and all that you know that's his role that's who he is and so every interaction that you know you you see him pop up it's always gonna be in that role you would be very odd to see him step outside that role you know and and and just be a dad or just be a husband or just be you know the guy at church that walks past you because everything has lived out through that role okay and fives tend to think I think like that is that like I'm that person that expert when it comes to whole food plant diet and now every bit of information I give you is gonna be as that person okay that professor that role they can disdain ordinary life because they can be a little bit exclusive they can be a little bit I don't want to say this out loud they can be a little bit of a know-it-all okay and and you fives you know this about yourself okay so much I'm not I'm gonna say anything you don't already know and then it's not that they don't know it all they probably do they they are drawn to the information they're drawn to the facts they're drawn to the and then they want to help you by giving you that information sometimes when it's not asked for and that's you know when five goes to seven is they can just lunge into conversations and download all this information that may or may not be you know may or may not be helpful at the time I call them the dump truck you know they come back up that dump truck and all that information dumps out and it may be more about seeing me as I'm I'm okay I'm good and I'm safe and I'm alright because I know all these facts and I know all this information so I'll be okay and it's like yeah but that information may not be pertinent at the time and so knowing when that information is pertinent and then sharing it at the right time is what makes a five and eight makes five a Challenger okay challenging people's assumptions pulling out the rug from under their false beliefs helping them to see that they're on shaky ground and challenging their assumptions that's what fives do best okay so this five is focused on adhering to the ideals of the group they belong to so they're a focused on their ideals and on the intellectual ideals of that group they want to further their values and ideals and share those values and ideals and information with others okay usually from a distance already said that alright so searching for ultimate meaning for life and they sense that things in life are meaningless and mundane so they want to move away from the meaningless and mundane to something that is you know that is meaningful and important and fives can tend to be drawn especially this five contend to be drawn not just to knowledge but knowledge that other people don't possess so they want some niche of knowledge some niche of information something that sets them apart something that makes them stand out as as as a person who can be useful and helpful and fulfill a role that isn't already fulfilled 5s don't necessarily care about what you know so it's not just like they're there they they care about information and so they're just happy to soak it up and sponge it up from whoever is sharing it 5s tend to be a little bit you know interesting in this way is that you know they're always seeking out and growing in their information social files always seeking out and growing in their information and they're studying their knowledge they don't necessarily aren't necessarily drawn to teachers but they're drawn to knowledge and information but they're not necessarily drawn to what you know okay they may kind of be frustrated when you start dumping a lot of information on them because they want to be the one that has the information they want to be the one that is perceived as the person that is the expert in the room and so if you begin a conversation with a five about information they're gonna move that conversation into what they know and what you don't know they're not interested in what you know they're interested in what you don't know okay and they want to share that information with what you know or with what what they know so it's not like oh we're just drawn to information there's a little bit of edge to it is they're drawn to the information you don't have okay and see in that sense it's a fear type I I'm safe because I have information you don't have all right remember Pfizer a fear type just like sevens okay so I'm not picking on you I'm with you I'm in your group all right so they like their private space but focus their attention is on how to know more about this information and become an expert in this field and work close with others and get close to the experts in this field while maintaining a sense of distance so as much as they're drawn to the other experts in this field they still want to maintain that distance from them so they want to be pen pals you know with the experts but they may not want to go out for coffee every week you know and open up their life with this expert so they care about overarching values that give their life meaning and purpose you know these high ideals you know sharing information on how to eat right or information about how to overcome cancer or whatever the field is that they're interested in that role and that information is what gives their life meaning and purpose is that they are learning and researching growing and then sharing and challenging and and that's you know what drives that's what drives them they're conscious of who was in the group of people that are experts and who is outside of the group and they may want to join groups that adhere to and promote their values and their beliefs and that whole group thing is why I say sometimes this five could look like a six maybe because they're drawn to the groups of people that are you know insiders they can have trouble relating to everyday people they can have trouble relating because if you're an expert you know then you're always going to relate to people as though they are your disciples or though they are as your students or as though they are ignorant and that's why this five can sometimes look like a know-it-all and they can sometimes irritate people they can be hard to teach these fives can be in classrooms and can be a challenge to teachers because they they may know more than the teacher knows at least about some aspects of the information and when the teacher gets there faxing correct or gets their dates incorrect or their pronunciation of the person's name and correct that they're talking about this five is going to feel compelled you know to correct that information and really believes that they're helping the teacher and they don't see that necessarily as the teacher might feel like they're being under minded by that student this five is gonna be on this five is going to be caught off guard when they're in trouble for correcting the teachers facts I'm just trying to help you I'm just trying to correct you why wouldn't you want to know this why wouldn't this be helpful to you why wouldn't you accept this information okay so think I inst EIN you know his what his teachers said he was unteachable okay now that wasn't that he you know it wasn't that he wasn't teachable it's just that einstein probably needed to teach himself and so these fives are probably going to be drawn to information that they can access themselves they're gonna be frustrated by gatekeepers and informations they're gonna or information they're gonna be frustrated by you don't have to go to a librarian and ask some librarian you know for the keys to knowledge they want access to that information themselves and they want to invest their time and energy into learning that for themselves they don't wanna have to go to some gatekeeper you know to to access that information so for this five the social vibe knowledge is power okay knowledge is power they want to become an expert in the field they may come across as a little bit mysterious or a little bit inaccessible they can be very sensitive especially when they're shown that their information is incorrect or that they don't know as much as they think they know or that they're not super smart because they're gonna feel that they are super smart and so they can be very sensitive when they're shown that they don't know something or when they're shown that their knowledge isn't important if somebody were to disdain them for their knowledge and say oh my goodness will you stop talking about cellular biology no one cares this is a family reunion we don't want to hear your facts we don't want to hear your information nobody cares about you know who played third base you know for the Minnesota Twins in 1974 nobody cares about this information oh my goodness will you stop they can be very sensitive because in a sense like their what they've created their identity around is being undermined and attacked as though it's not important and so they can be very sensitive about this they have a search for meaning in life and a disinterest in the ordinariness of quote/unquote normal life and can come across like I said as superior to others they feel a connection with the other people in their group they can come across condescending of those that are not in their group or those that don't have access to that information or don't have that information they may be more committed to their ideals as intellectual truths then actually committed to them in their everyday life so this can be a challenge for five is you know think about it like the nurse or the doctor who's very committed to all of this information about health but then goes outside on a smoke break you know drinks a lots of Pepsi eats fried food and you know is 50 pounds overweight or 100 pounds overweight so they're there they agree to these intellectual truths and they believe them but they may not filter down into their everyday living so this might be the psychologist or the counselor or the psychiatrist who understands all these things about marriage and family and relationships but then goes home disinterested in his own family disinterested in her own kids disinterested in her own marriage not connected disconnected from people but yet they understand all the nuances of what makes relationships important they don't practice them necessarily in their own life this can happen very easily to this five disconnected from you know everyday life disconnected from everyday relationships can tirelessly work to further a cause that they believe in or they believe has great impact on others they can be passionately committed to their cause and focus all their energy on it focus all their attention on that you know be very passionate about it even to the point of the detriment to their own close relationships that relationships can go on a back burner because they're driven by their information driven by their knowledge driven by their high ideals they can struggle and may cut themselves off from relationships so they may be very disconnected from the people around them and it's kind of like whatever whatever strength I would have gained or whatever you know life credits I would have gained from my relationships have been shifted to knowledge and information I get that energy and I get that supply from my knowledge information and I get you know my mind revved from that because I don't get it necessarily from my relationships and from you know close connections with people so that supply that most of us would get from relationships with people and interactions with people they might shift away from people and get that from their you know their their endless tireless research and and their commitment to so to information they can isolate themselves in that way and they can feel alone and be lonely people and yet kind of not know what to do to get out of that loneliness they may cut themselves off from relationships they may so heavily invest themselves in a cause which brings meaning and purpose to their life and they're challenging others and they're helping others through their information that you know they can live life without having very much intimacy with others or connections with other people they want to be someone important they they have a passion for knowledge and that compensates that's the word it can compensate their passion for knowledge can compensate their passion for for relationships and they might even think that through their knowledge they they're doing something more important you know that that any relationships they have if they can't help those people through information and by you know bringing the cure for the disease then what's the point of being having these relationships with people that you can't help you know through information and knowledge but they can suffer relationally because they cut themselves off and isolate themselves because of their their you know their disconnection from people they need the need for people has been replaced with a need for information again I'm not saying this is a hundred percent true of anybody I know that you have relationships I know that you have and and that feel see guys you files listen I feel almost compelled even making a video like this you know to clarify everything I say and that's part of what it is the deal with you fives is is you want you want to jump in right now and say well actually no wait a minute down that wait a minute now that's not actually that's that stuff I'm talking about is that need to clarify every point that need to clarify every detail that's what gets under teachers skin that's what gets under people's skin that's what can make you prickly with people like a cactus with people is that need to clarify I already know that in the comments of this video I'm gonna get well now actually now I actually know wait a minute now that's a five that relax okay I'm speaking in generalities I shouldn't have to clarify everything I say with any type you know that this isn't going to be a hundred percent for anybody okay and realize I'm not a five so I can't speak from experience okay I'm not I'm not in your shoes I'm trying as best as I can from an outsider perspective to understand the information and share that information with you and I realize I'm not the expert okay so take it down a notch all right the need for the hate small talk they focus on the ideal the essential the sublime rather than on what's available so they might miss what's in front of them they might miss you know what's available to them especially in terms of relationships because of their quest their quest that's a big word for a five their quest for information their quest for four for perfection and knowledge and understanding and their quest to bring information that heals and strengthens and encourages they admire people who share their values and express their values now I think there's a lot of examples of social fives out there and in the entertainment you know I had no problem coming up with examples and I don't know that these are a hundred percent but let me let me just start with what comes to my mind on the modern family show Alex the girl Alex the daughter she's a five she's a social five Dumbledore on Harry Potter I think as a social five okay mysterious that was one of the words mysterious they come across as mysterious there's people who are on the insiders those that understand Hogwarts and understand all the spells and all that and then those that don't okay a white route on on the office I think is a social five excuse me Sheldon Cooper a Big Bang Theory probably takes this to the you know to the 10th power okay Sheldon Cooper is a social five he lives in that role of whatever he is astrophysicist or theoretical physicist and everything in his life you know is filtered from that perspective ben shapiro you know the radio host is a five that looks like an eighth always challenging you know but very much in that five space of information i think that well let's see I think that's good let's just stop there with with with examples of people all right let's move to the sexual five okay or the one-on-one five this is the five that the first one the self-preservation is all about boundaries the castle the walls the second one's all about information and facts and who's on the inside and who's on the outside and huh you don't know oh oh my you you don't know I know and the people I walk with know and you don't know gates that five this five is is is the counter five this is the five that can look like sometimes a four this is the five that feels things more passionately or expresses those things more passionately and more clearly this is the five that suffers this is the five that's more this less detached from relationships and more and the focus of their attention is on the ideal relationship okay so the other so think you know the culture of let's say what is the harmony okay the culture of eHarmony that we are going to put together you know this test this assessment and this assessment is going to lead you to the perfect idealized relationship that's out there for you this is a sexual five culture okay is that through assessments and through test taking and through information and data gathering we can move people toward perfect relationships or harmony we can move people to eHarmony this is the culture of the sexual five okay so the focus of the attention is on on ideal relationship okay on the ideal partner on the ideal romantic partner okay so trust and confidence is important to this five this is called the secret agent five I'm not sure I really understand that one confidentiality and confidence only the two of us share this unique role so it's you and I it's very one-on-one and so confidentiality is a word that's important to this five or Const that's important to this five I'm looking for someone with whom I can share all I am with I'm looking for someone with whom I can share my my my total self with all of my love and all of who I am with this person so they are seeking an experience of trust with a worthy partner with whom they can express their idealistic romantic ideas okay more attention is on feelings and relationships than the other fives this five still looks like a five they don't really look like a four they look like a five well they might look a little bit like a four but they're still very much a five more attention on feelings and relationships and the other fires more connected to their feelings and so when I have five say you said that we're detached from our feelings well I'll have you know maybe you're a sexual five because the sexual fives are more in tune with what they're feeling and more in tune with relationships than the other fives more connected to their feelings more of a need sensed for relationships in their life so this 5 is more relationship oriented than the other 5 they place special value on intimate connections with people particularly an ideal partner they may be romantic but they then they may express that romanticism through the arts through their creativity through their writing through their directing or producing I think of an example maybe I don't know this for sure but maybe this is the five the Stephen King five the Tim Burton five you know that Express relationships and all of these passions through a creative outlet they seek a creative outlet like writing or visual or music they to express these high ideals John Lennon is probably this five I always thought John Lennon was a four you know from the Beatles think about him and Yoko Ono right everywhere you I mean it was him and Yoko but from my research it looks like John Lennon might have been a 5 if he was a 5 he's probably this five so they seek a creative outlet well who's more creative than John Lennon the ideal the ideal they pursue is the ideal relationship they value their private space and they can be quite introverted they prefer to express you know their romance a wordlessly wordlessly okay or maybe from a distance through a song or through a poem or through a medium like books or through you know video but maybe not directly like looking into the eyes and passionately sharing your heart that may feel a little too heavy-handed for this for this person so they like to do it from a distance just like the professor you know the social they want to communicate their information but from a safe distance an online professor is like the perfect job for the social 5 online professor okay so this is maybe the creative writer but you know okay so a strong desire to find that special relationship with a person with whom they can trust with whom they can open up their heart with whom they can be themselves with so a need for closeness but there's a fear of sharing more of themselves and so there's an inner struggle within this five they want that closeness but they kind of fear opening up and sharing who they are more of themselves with somebody they're very idealistic about that relationship and they may have trouble actually finding that perfect person I would say they will have trouble and even when they find that perfect person they will realize pretty quickly that that perfect person is not perfect take my course you know on getting over being perfect because none of us are so they're gonna have a hard time whoever that they they cast their eyes on whoever fits that you know that perfect person for them will have a hard time living up to that idealized standard because nobody can nobody could possibly live up to you idealistic standard of being a perfect companion they can they can be passionate about the work they do they want to connect with others but those connections can often seem awkward because they are a 5 those connections can often seem awkward and even though they want to be connected and they want to be in relationship with people and they want to have a relationship it may be hard for them to move to action because fives have a hard time moving to action and actually pull the trigger so they may have this romantic attachment from a distance from a distance now I'm just telling you guys that can look creepy sometimes that can look creepy sometimes you might come across as creepy sometimes because you could be overwhelmingly in tune with this person that you've never talked to that you're afraid to actually walk up and ask out on a date but you've got maybe pictures of them on your walls pictures of them in your locker room you're writing sonnets and songs and writing you know letters to them that never get delivered for most people that's gonna look creepy okay think maybe like Kip on Napoleon Dynamite you know don't be jealous I've been chatting with babes online all day okay that can look a little creepy to two people and when they find out you know you got this wall you know in your secret closet with all these pictures of them that that may be an off-putting you know discovery for that person they may not they may not be as you know flattered by that as you might think they would be they might be just be creeped out by it okay so they want to connect with others but they can come across awkward at times and have trouble connecting they can they can become emotionally intense and expressive in the things that they do with very much passion and creativity they work to create strong bonds with key people as a way of furthering their goals and advancing their common mission they can be intense they can be romantic they can become very emotionally sensitive this v suffers like a for more than the other fives were all the other fives me are more emotionally detached this v is more in tune with their emotions and can be overt about their desire to find the ideal relationship they live in an our world filled with ideas theories utopian fantasies where they want to find unconditional love and share themselves with a person but their ideals can be so high that it can be hard for anybody to pass their tests okay easily disappointed they can continually test their partners you know to see if they're if they are who they said they are if they will live up to these idealistic standards they can be very picky about their partner they want someone that they have quote unquote chemistry with so they seek the ultimate union even though they struggle themselves you know to be an ultimate ideal partner they seek an ideal partner for themselves their thoughts are clear and private but when they actually try to speak out loud sometimes they can get a little tongue-tied and stumble over their words and stumble over what they want to say they may know exactly what they want to say in private but when they get on the public spotlight they can kind of tense up clam up and not be able to share it clearly might be stutter you know so who comes to mind as examples of this in popular culture if you watch the office I think Gabe might be an example of a sexual v I think there's a lot of I think you know I kind of think of like a lot of negative examples of this sexual v and I don't mean that to say this is a bad character because I don't think it is because I think in any of these types you might you might you know like I was talking about the fours you know the sexual 4 I gave scar and Ursula you know was his name Snape you know those are examples of you don't you don't have to act like that though and to the degree that you don't let your impulses and compulsions drive you you know so even though I may give something Nevitt negative examples doesn't mean that that's who you are it means that you might have that tendency but if you if you combat that impulse then we ought to applaud you for not being you know kip on Napoleon Dynamite I think that maybe one of the best examples of this and it's kind of obscure you'd have to go back maybe and watch the movie again on the corpse bride dr. Finkelstein or dr. Finkelstein he's basically dr. Frankenstein and he's trying to create through the whole movie he's trying to create the ideal partner you know by chopping up all these bits and pieces and putting them together and he creates this ideal perfect perfect companion a female right who is like a mirror image of himself that is a sexual five in my opinion if you want to know what a sexual five looks like what we're talking about here go watch the corpse bride watch dr. Finkelstein create you know the ideal partner which is like a characterization of himself okay so think even like dr. Frankenstein you know Mary Shelley's Frankenstein that whole culture I think is the sexual five culture already said harmony you know when it's when it's positive but I think like maybe the Norman Bates talk about creepy right the Norman Bates maybe the Hannibal Lecter I'd have to go back and watch that movie again but that's what comes to mind is there anything else that I have on here that's bad enough isn't it I mean I've given you some pretty bad examples and again if you're not behaving that way then our hats are off to you if you're working hard you know to just engage in mundane normal life then and you're not like that then you know if you're able to walk up and have a conversation with a woman or with a person you know the of interest with t you and and and you know look them in the eyes and be direct and be straightforward to express your heart then you know that might be a challenge and so we applaud you okay so again I hope this video is helpful to you I hope it's encouraging to you I hope you see some blind spots in yourself and that maybe these things are starting to connect and click with you that all of us are a little bit broken and I hope that this will help you be more present to life as it is in front of you and I realize you fives have very high idealistic standards but you know real life doesn't always live up to those ideals t'k standards and again I'm not saying any of this from as an expert so I'm not trying to be the leader of your tribe you know I'm not trying to to be the expert in the room this is just some research that I've done the bring to you and to help you or help you who live with fives to understand how you can better relate to to the to the precious five that's in your life I as we love you you guys you know can be incredible incredible people when you're present to life and healthy Tasi again thank you guys be president to life

Channel: Dr. Tom LaHue

Views: 36,629

Rating: 4.9504542 out of 5

Keywords: Enneagram, enneagram 5, enneagram five, subtypes, instincts, marriage, family, parenting, relationships, personalities

Id: zHn7Cn3nf74

Length: 51min 10sec (3070 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 14 2020