Dylan Roche | 14 Year Old Stand Up Comedian

so uh our next comic this is pretty amazing he's uh 14 years old we go to we go to middle school together um please give it up for dylan roche everybody hello everyone so yes i'm 14 years old and all of you look really old to me my parents are pretty old they're in their 40s now yeah they're always telling me how easy i have it they're like oh your generation's great you don't know how hard it was to be a kid when we were kids why can't you be more like we were maybe because most of the crap you did when you were kids is illegal now i cannot walk to 7-eleven and buy my grandparents cigarettes i am not allowed to hitchhike i can't drink from a garden hose i can't play with lawn darts which were banned in 1988 i have my own set of challenges when i ride my bike i have to wear half a bowling ball on my head because safety's a thing now i didn't have an iphone my whole life you know for many years i'd use a flip phone you had to press a button three times to type the letter c the supermarket when my parents were kids when they left the house it was just all right see ya be back by dark don't get abducted molested or eaten and have fun but if i want to go anywhere i have to carry a whistle and a binder of all nearby registered sex offenders and it's it's really thick lots of gym teachers and priests i'm i'm kidding i'm kidding guys i was it was just a joke the priests aren't registered just relocated are you enjoying yourself sir are you having a good time what's your name tim do you know what i have to do when i get home tim write a paper for school i'm going to my first year of high school i'm hoping it'll be different than my middle school experience which is full of bullying clicks and gossip mostly from the teachers the teachers are no better than the students maybe even worse they'll always act like nfl coaches on the sidelines using folders to cover their mouths as they talk crap about the students yo see patty over there that little kid's ass reminded me that i forgot to sign the homework yesterday as i was about to dismiss the class so i doubled it the hell is there a problem oh my god and kyle i don't know i was doing in your class but in mine he is just bombing i want to fail him you know just smack him in the face with a big fat f but then i'll have to put up with this crap for a whole nother year oh spencer a nice kid but his parents ah i keep getting eight paragraph emails from them telling him i'm not giving him the credit he deserves well maybe if his parents have stopped telling him he's good at everything he wouldn't cry like a little [ __ ] every time i gave him a b-minus what are you looking at kyle get back to work dioramas don't make themselves the lunchroom is known for its notorious bullying you know the big guy's always shoving their way to the front of the line taking the last smoothie from you so they can go back to grading papers you know what grinds my gears tim tests i do not like tests i'm not very good at studying i'm not what you would call an academic test taker i'm not sure why i usually give myself a full five minutes to study before the test um thank you um that's not my fault though it's the teacher's fault they always tell you challenge yourself so i challenge myself to see how long i can put off studying challenge accepted i know i'm probably not as responsible as tim here who never procrastinates because adults don't do that right tim alright thank you guys before i leave since parting is such sweet sorrow i'd like to give you a little snippet from my favorite arthur willie shakespeare don't you forget about me don't don't don't don't don't you forget about me as i walk on by thank you thank you holy cow

Channel: Stan S. Lavsky

Views: 9,991,451

Keywords: dylan roche, stand up comedy, dylan roche comedy, dylan roche comedian, helium comedy club, dylan roche helium, 14 year old comedy, 14 year old comedian, helium comedy, helium philadelphia, dylan roche philadelphia, teen comedian

Id: X-JJWku8_6Q

Length: 5min 46sec (346 seconds)

Published: Sat Sep 10 2016