Dragonball: Evolution - Hilariocity Review

fuck is this shit who the fuck would send me this shit I did not hit her it's not true it's bullshit I did not hit her I did not oh hi mark I love my eyes I miss my baby that's what what welcome to my hilarious 'ti review of Dragonball Evolution or as I like to call it disgusting bile extract I often get a question what is your all-time favorite movie well I don't have one I just can't pick it's too hard but I have had the exact same least favorite movie of all time ever since I saw Dragonball Evolution I hate everything about this movie now I have reviewed this before you guys may know this some of you may not they're older videos I don't like the way they look there was more to say let's do it why do I hate Dragonball Evolution well let's talk about everything about this movie that I hate this movie opens with an incredibly lazy narration it's almost like they filmed the whole movie and went oh shit this doesn't make any sense we better make some stupid CGI narration in the beginning to sum everything up in the show King Piccolo fought a very young Goku Goku defeated him in King Piccolo gave birth to piccolo as we came to know him throughout the show Goku and piccolo were enemies for a while they had battles at various tournaments but eventually they became friends and allies in this movie piccolo has been reduced to simply a power-hungry war guy who wants to destroy everything and hates everyone for no reason in the show there was motivation there was a reason for piccolo thinking that way he was also a complex character having a good side and a bad side this movie doesn't give a shit about any of that it just wants piccolo to be the big evil guy who has absolutely nothing interesting about him the movie is directed by James Wong and I've liked some of his work before I enjoyed the x-files a lot he wrote some of the best episodes and I even enjoyed some of the final destination movies that he directed but here I don't know what happened it's almost like this movie was just canned at the last minute because it's like 80 something minutes long with credits I mean that's pathetic a movie like this should have been at least 2 hours and good but at the same time I'm also grateful that it's mercifully short this opening fight scene between Goku and his grandpa is so laughable there's nothing about it that looks real the entire thing looks as if it was shot on a green screen and none of it looks as if it's actually happening it is the fakest looking shit I've seen in an action movie since like ultraviolet have you seen if you have I apologize my god like Goku slapping a CGI fly into his grandpa's mouth what is the purpose of any of this instantaneously in just one fight scene I know I am in for a complete shit so let's talk about the character of Goku I use bunny ears because it's definitely not Goku portrayed by Justin Chatwin let's get this out of the way I don't have anything against this after he's talented I have no problem with him as an actor or as a person seems like a cool guy but my god was he saddled with the dumbest fucking horrible interpretation of one of the coolest manga characters to be ever drawn or animated this Goku is actually a whiny high schooler who's more obsessed with beating up the bullies that are picking on him and getting the girl that he has a crush on than anything watching these early scenes with him complaining to his grandpa about wanting to get the girl at school and wanting to beat up those bullies and this amazing delivery right here they pushed me so far that I want to explode so I could tear them apart with one hand it makes me truly wish that I had seven dragonballs of my own so that I could wish this movie out of existence in the show Goku did want to become stronger but that's because he had an obsession with fighting not with wanting to harm others or beat people up he was a Saiyan and so he felt that need for battle but he was also sort of a pacifist he didn't necessarily want to fight someone he only did it to protect those he loved this movie has a teen angsty Goku who gets pissed off a lot and makes a poop face quite often something else I noticed after re watching this movie because yes I rewatched it and my god it was torturous Justin Chatwin often ceases to act after he gets his lines out teach me how to be normal normal is also overrated did you notice how his face just went completely emotionless after he got his line out now if your Dragon Ball fans like myself you know that in the show the Dragon Balls are very exciting objects in this movie when Goku is grandpa gives him the four star ball he just looks at it like it's nothing he's like that's cool that's it's nice I'll keep it safe always thanks grandpa there's no aah or a wonder or excitement or sense of adventure he's just this angsty teenager who's like oh thanks for the stupid ball grandpa thanks a lot I appreciate it hey can you tell me about this girl thing I don't know can you give me some condoms I need some condoms okay grandpa I really want to fuck chichi is that okay I just need some condoms fuck this dumb dragon ball sorry I just want to go fuck is that alright with you let's talk about James Marsters as piccolo he is probably the one thing in this movie that sometimes receives praise I call this the Ewan McGregor syndrome what's the one thing about the prequels that most people are like yeah that's fine you and McGregor because he was the one thing that was just fine you know he was okay everyone else was very dry and just black at least you and McGregor as obi-wan Kenobi you can watch the prequels and be like he's doing a good job he seems like a good obi-wan Kenobi because everything else surrounding you and McGregor is like yeah that's James Marsters in this movie he's the one person who's like okay that's all right I guess because everything else is such shit so during class goku has a stupid fucking dumb daydream about chichi eating a strawberry because yeah goku is just a hormone fueled teenager actually in the show goku had no idea what a girl was in the show when he ran into Bulma for the first time he had never seen a woman in his life he asked boma where her tail was because he just thought everyone was like him well you look human enough but you're different you're thin and scrawny I'm a girl silly that's why a girl oh so that's what you are oh my gosh are you saying you've never seen a girl before nope besides my grandpa you're the only human being that I've ever seen in the show chichi even tricks Goku into getting married that's how innocent and naive of a character he was in this fucking shit he just looks at chichi and goes oh man I really want to bone her and then he tells the teacher the dynamics were a race of people 2,000 years ago that tried to destroy the entire earth they're not a peace-loving people that just enjoys raising their families and being pacifists like they were in the show this movie takes everyone in the show that hated violence and wanted to stay away from violence and turns them into power-hungry bullies it's such an American viewpoint of such a great Japanese manga it makes me sick let me get some awkward romantic babble between Goku and chichi where he just blurts out that chichi is not a normal name yeah because Goku is the king of normal names with each passing scene it becomes incredibly obvious why akira toriyama the original creator was so horrified by this movie that he wanted to resurrect the films and the show with battle of gods and resurrection f as well as the upcoming Dragon Ball super true story the guy was fuckin horrified by this movie just like all of us so chichi invites Goku to her party and right here we are literally 14 minutes into this movie and I can't fucking take it anymore 14 minutes and I cannot take it I've got to fucking do something something more fun than watching this movie I got to do something sorry guys d9 miss b6 miss where the fuck were I oh yeah I'm still 14 minutes into this fucking shit alright so Goku goes to chi Chi's party whooping he fucking do he gets attacked by some bullies why are these bullies kung fu masters why did it make Dragonball Evolution a cliched awkward teen romance for the CW network why is this such an obvious stunt double why did they hire an actor to play the biggest badass of all time who doesn't want to do his own stunts I mean did they hire Justin Chatwin because of his role in War of the Worlds when he had Dragon Ball toys on his shelf is that the only reason it has to be so apparently piccolo can use the force he crushes grandpa's house now please observe this oscar-worthy acting as Goku's grandpa dies honestly the best acting in this movie is Justin Chatwin's forehead vein and of course before Goku's grandpa dies he gives him this quick speech to let us know that there is a story he has to find all the dragonballs before the eclipse occurs what is that fucking have to do with anything now we meet this movie's version of Bulma played by Emmy Rossum and that's totally her voice she's not 80-yard at all if I wasn't Hickel oh whatever that is I wouldn't tell you and if I did kill your grandfather I would have shocked you by now somebody stole my promethium orb and I'm here to get it back and in this movie guess what they refer to the dragon radar as Dragonball energy DBE catchy name DB II that's funny you're so clever Pat yourselves on the back writers you made a good one let's talk about the fact that this movie does in small ways try to pay homage to who Goku as a character really is in the manga and the show in the next scene they have him eating a gigantic leg of meat and in the show it's like this thing that Goku is always very hungry he can eat a ton of food and it's very funny it's very cute that's Goku in the show but in this movie it makes no sense because the character they're portraying is this angsty teenager who's on a street in the middle of the night with Bulma trying to find Master Roshi and he's just eating a leg of meat I know as a fan of Dragon Ball that they're trying to tribute Goku who is always hungry and loves to eat a lot of food but it doesn't make sense for this movie because the character they're portraying is this annoying hormone fueled teenager so why in the hell would he just be eating a giant leg of meat in the middle of the road the movie is trying to honor certain things about his character like giving him a hoodie that's orange and blue but doesn't work with a dumbass character they've already created so it just comes off stupid and tired so now we get introduced to chow yun-fat as Master Roshi this is potentially a great idea this is a very good actor in a very good stuntman in films like Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon or some of John woos earlier films if I were to read chow yun-fat cast as Master Roshi I'd be like that's great good job and they tried to give him a few fun elements like how he's still kind of a reverting everything and this would all be okay if it didn't look like such utter shit look at this fight scene it looks like Mortal Kombat annihilation took a shit and the shit that Mortal Kombat annihilation took was the fight scene and Dragonball Evolution we're watching right now later on in this scene we have Master Roshi laughing and this close-up of him stopping laughing observe hahahahaha my grandfather's dead they're trying to tribute moments in Dragonball like this I get it I get what they're doing but some things only work in anime and do not translate to film speed racer' by the Wachowski z' proves that wholeheartedly this scene also contains the worst line delivery in the movie by far and some of the worst acting I've ever seen and I'm not exaggerating he was murdered I will avenge him but before he he died he asked me to find you and to tell you that piccolo has returned isn't this so much better yeah so Bulma and Hiroshi and Goku team up to go somewhere because they all have to find the dragonballs before the eclipse and blah blah fucking shit who cares bro she makes Goku carry this giant sack which was a tribute to Dragon Ball where oh she made Goku and krillen there is a character named Crillon right and Dragon Ball I believe he's go who's best friend you know what I don't care these not in this movie because it's one character that wasn't completely destroyed by this movie as well as Tien thank goodness for that but anyway they attempted again to pay homage to this moment in Dragon Ball and that's all Dragonball Evolution has to offer brief little moments that attempts to pay homage to the manga but the film that they are making is so stupidly modern with this angsty teenager jennifer Love Hewitt fucking shit type drama that it doesn't work whenever they try to tribute the actual manga so they run into chichi at the tournament and guess what she's a fighter - so Goku has even more of a hard-on for now and what is with all this airbending shit ro she's trying to teach Goku about the Kamehameha wave and everything and he makes it seem like it's airbending this isn't avatar guys Dragonball is not about airbending for fuck's sake so let's talk about the next character this movie destroyed and that is Yamcha what a cool fun character in the original show I loved Yamcha he was so much fun and apparently James Wong took one look at this actor and just said Yamcha you look like him you seem like it could be a douche your Yamcha wonderful and his lines are definitely not 80-yard either that CV thing is right if all you're looking for is right here when our heroes fall down a giant hole they make a campfire for roshi to tell stories with the fire that's right Roshi makes images appear in the fire because he's a magical wizard again Yamcha why is he such a fucking bro well everything happens for a reason bro got that one from daytime TV I'm expecting this guy to just be like fuck you guys I'm about to go play some football with my friends have some beer and wings and yell really loud now the movie reminds us that there is in fact an antagonist piccolo creates monsters by extracting his blood and these monsters form and attack everyone on this lava thing and they slice him up and create a bridge with them so that Goku can cross this bridge to get the Dragonball you know there are parts of this movie that I actually hate so much and this is one of them so I'm just going to move on now so Goku gets the Dragon Ball and it gives him a vision of the future that's right Goku is now a clairvoyant psychic I can't I can't do this guy's I can't fucking do this I I can't yes could I please have a McChicken with extra lettuce and onions added to it yeah I'll take a US four piece chicken nugget yep thank you next we're gonna see Moreau she explains everything to us again because we need a scene after every action scene for somebody to go okay guys there's still a plot here's the plot just want to remind you there's still a plot there is a plot exposition exposition plot exposition next we get character building moments I guess row she meets up with an old friend with a white painted beard Bulma and Yamcha walk around and discuss things chichi and Goku walk around and discuss things this is the movies attempt to give us character development and it's a bullshit fest of fuckery but that's okay because next we get more airbending ships Roshi is trying to teach Goku about the Kamehameha wave which apparently he's not able to master yet because Goku is only 18 years old he was like 12 in Dragonball when he did it for the first time and he surprised everyone around him bullshit so someone pretending to be chichi starts this awkward looking fight where tuti she's fight one another and Goku's dumbass knocks out the real chichi because apparently in this movie goku is not able to sense people in the show goku could sense anyone's inner power he would be able to sense who the real chichi was oh wait a second he can sense people because this scene is here how do you know hmm i can always sense my grandfather oh so i guess he can't sense people so why didn't he sense which chichi was real in this moment because this script is fucking dumb that's fucking why goku then gets half killed slash knocked out and he has this crazy vision that made me laugh so fucking hard grandpa I'm so happy to see you but it's okay not to worry Roshi resurrects Goku with his Kamehameha wave the Kamehameha wave is one of the most famous attacks in anime history it's an attack not a resuscitating attack it's a deadly attack this is honestly as bad as if somebody made a Star Wars movie where lightsabers no longer cut through things if you like impaled somebody with a lightsaber it brought them back to life so my wife was nice enough to rewatch this movie with me she was like look we said we'd go through pain together and we're gonna re-watch Dragonball Evolution together she's a big Dragon Ball fan too and in this scene with piccolo she just goes piccolo looks like he belongs in a Joel Schumacher Batman film and I laughed my ass off she is so right he looks like fucking Bane or anything in Batman and Robin it's atrocious so now the whole big finale starts in CGI green-screen yeah so about Goku's costume reveal this fuck my life fuck it so Goku becomes as aru the big ape thank goodness they in some way maintained that storyline at least but my god does it look like such shit just look at this fucking shit fuck me in the ass so Roshi dies because you know freaking obi-wan Kenobi died in Star Wars and qui-gon died in Phantom Menace so they have to have the old guy who teaches things die and Goku somehow convinces himself to revert back to his normal form because he just has to be really strong and overcome piccolo in this fight none of this makes any fucking sense at this point I just want the movie to end so the quicker that it ends the better so here Goku and piccolo finally have a fight and you guessed it it looks like garbage but what really occurs in this fight well Goku takes one to three punches falls down and suddenly becomes perfect that's right one tiny little skirmish lets him know what he has to do and he stands up and he's like I am Xaro I am Goku to be one with myself I have to be to flex the forehead vein poop face seriously after that little tiny fight he instantly becomes perfect and masters the Kamehameha wave and blast piccolo until piccolo dies so isn't that just shit my god that shit but listen to this for a second what happened earlier when ro she blasted Goku with a Kamehameha wave well it resurrected him for some reason the kamehameha at the end of the movie kills like it's supposed to so what's the difference between the resurrection Kamehameha wave and kill people kamehameha wave so goku gets the Dragon Balls and wishes Roshi back to life and he comes back to life and yes and of course it ends with some more romantic bullshit between Goku and chichi and more 300 style slow-mo fast moving slow-mo fast moving action the end but you know what the funniest part of this movie is there's a mid-credits scene where piccolo is still alive being cared for by someone and it sets up a sequel okay this is the last reviewer Dragonball Evolution I'm ever going to make this is my final farewell to this movie I have said everything there is to be said but wait there is still something that I must do yes I feel it growing within me the desire to destroy here is what remains of the husk of a human being my husband once was after Dragonball Evolution this is all that remains a withered shallow corpse I wish for seven dragonballs that could make that movie disappear you don't understand well we've now hit level stage three year old really hate that moving I am ste in my love no you don't I do too you don't understand it's so bad I grew up with Dragonball Z just like you did you know what's really funny though as I looked at Norma the North versus this and I think actually Dragonball Evolution has a better rating the norm of the North does I wonder what redeeming qualities gave it 14 percent on Rotten Tomatoes I feel violated I feel disgusted I just I it's it's like in those like demon movies where like someone finds out an object in their house is like possessed and like get out of the house like that's how I feel about Dragonball Evolution like it's like you have it's like it's in my house and it's like making my house gross

Channel: Chris Stuckmann

Views: 2,304,574

Rating: 4.9176745 out of 5

Keywords: Dragonball: Evolution, Hilariocity Review, Movie Review, Chris Stuckmann, Worst, All Time, Least Favorite, Terrible, Awful, Goku, Chi-Chi, Piccolo, Fight, Ending, Spoilers, Destruction, Destroy, James Wong, Justin Chatwin, Emmy Rossum, Jamie Chung, James Marsters, Yun-Fat Chow, Akira Toriyama, Christopher Sabat, Vegeta, Krillin, Scene, Trailer, Teaser, Clip, Reviews, Film, Manga, Anime, Soundtrack, Music, Kamehameha, Battle, Dragonballs, Dragon, Master Roshi, Bulma, Yamcha, Gohan

Id: L-yUfsxw7es

Length: 26min 47sec (1607 seconds)

Published: Sun Jan 31 2016

Reddit Comments

[u/thelordpresident]

It's Evolution OP