House of the Dead - Hilariocity Review

I did not hit her it's not true it's [ __ ] I did not hit her I did not oh hi mark that's what time welcome back to my hilarious 'ti series of terrible video game adaptations I've already covered do a Dead or Alive leading up to Assassin's Creed in December and now we're going to talk about House of the Dead directed by Uwe Boll director known for a lot of video game adaptations don't know the guy personally so I'm not going to say anything about him personally but his movies are not the greatest and we're going to talk about House of the Dead oh-ho so House of the Dead was based off of the Light Gun arcade game I played it quite a bit as a kid in movie theater chains it was made by Sega it was a lot of fun it was just fine for what it was and for whatever reason somebody sitting at a table somewhere probably wearing a suit that was a little too tight for him and he was probably choking a little bit causing the blood circulation to not quite go to his brain said hey house the dead should be a movie and we should get that kind of directed and somebody made a phone call and it actually happened and this film was released in theaters despite the fact that it looks worse than a made-for-tv movie on the sci-fi channel seriously I mean this movie looks so terrible it is basically like he took the camera and pointed it at somebody and said okay cut and then pointed at somebody else okay cut and then point over there okay cut and then pointed over there like that's the movie that's it there isn't a single thing of artistic value in this film let's start talking about it the opening credits of this movie represent the worst that electronic music has to offer as well as visual effects that look like they were from the 80s kind of like when computer effects were first invented and they were trying things like experimenting and similar to the game it opens with a very cheesy narration that tells us everything we need to know about the characters wear it like fades in to somebody you get some random narrator talking about them and then there's no other attempt to give these people a form of characterization or something that we can care about or latch on to it's just hey this is this guy and he does this and here's that girl and she's kind of a sex object and here's that girl and she's also kind of a sex object oh and there's that girl and guess what she's a sex object too we'll talk more about the fact that virtually every female character in this movie except for maybe one is just there you have boobs the direction in this movie as I said resembles a really bad McDonald's commercial where it's just people standing around and they're talking about [ __ ] and someone's filming them so here's the plot of the movie okay this is one of the best parts every character here is going to this island a very deserted island that no one wants to go to they can't find a single person to boat them there no one wants to take them there because of this legend that there's something spirit istic or there's like a death surrounding this island yet a big rave has been planned there and somehow people are already there with a giant Sega banner no less over their party because that's what everyone puts up at their raves Sega banners the next time I have a party I'm just gonna hang a big Nintendo sign and everyone can just dance underneath a Nintendo sign and celebrate the wonder of Nintendo but let me get back to this extreme logical flaw so no one wants to take anyone to this island boaters refuse to take anybody there our characters have to give this boating captain a grand to take them to this island one thousand dollars and he finally says yes how did all of these people for this rave get to the island with all of that equipment if no one wants to take anybody there whoops you're going to a rave with all these drunk people and you have over a thousand dollars in cash in your wallet these characters are dumb and that's not the first dumb thing they do trust me it continues from there this movie is filled with the most abysmal flat lifeless humor that I've seen in some time this is a movie about zombies on the island and everybody shoots them in the head this should be a really fun movie there is none of that to be had in this film none of it so next we go over to the island and there's a couple there that we have never been introduced to and they're just like hey here's some characters in this movie it's a girl swimming and a guy who kind of just wants to flop and lay on the beach while she swims right after she takes off her clothes of course and we get a lot of shots underneath the water at her legs and some music that resembles a film that I love could you possibly have been more blatant and your ripoff of the opening scene of Jaws I mean is it even possible to be even more obvious it's like he even told the composer to sort of mimic John Williams music so the girl from the jaws ripoff scene is now searching for her boyfriend because he disappeared and she finds him and we get our first look at the zombies just about everything in that scene reminded me of troll 2 it's almost like a tribute to troll 2 oh my god and right around here something else happens something that blew my mind something that just shook my world something that just drained all of the blood from my veins I just became a lifeless sack of goo sitting watching this movie I swear to you my body deflated I became a little pus sack that's all I was throughout this entire film they've chosen to put insert shots of the actual game during scene transitions you couldn't possibly make a dumber choice you couldn't I genuinely believe there's nothing dumber you could have done insert shots from the game now I mentioned there's a police boat following them every time we cut back to this police boat all we get is ADR from this woman I guarantee that actress was nowhere near that boat it just pans over the boat we get some narration of her saying what's happening and then eventually later her character actually shows up we're supposed to somehow be invested in this character despite the fact that we've never seen her we just have heard her voice a lot the characters in this movie are the most dull boring idiotic just [ __ ] dumb people you could possibly ever imagine they're not even people okay they're just cardboard they're like little pieces of paper just kind of floating around the frames and they just so happen to be humans this is one of the only times I've watched a movie this bad where I actually start to feel empathy for the actors I genuinely feel sorry for them in this movie every time a character says something remotely smart some dumb person just changes the topic instantly I think something Bad's happened here hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo like what we're on the island where the wave of the year supposed to be happening but it's completely deserted yeah it wears me it worries me there won't be mixers Simon cannot survive on but alone because we wouldn't want the characters to do anything smart they would possibly make us appreciate them or relate to them in some way that would be bad think of my rain why don't we go somewhere we will get way too late my god I hate this movie real talk here every shot in this movie appears unplanned it really does it honestly feels like there isn't a single thing storyboarded there's no plan it's just a go over there okay it's good okay yep cut all right um yeah I'll go over there I'm gonna shoot you right there okay very good yep cut all right that was good want to check the gate we're done another thing about this movie that is just such a missed opportunity is that these characters are on an island filled with zombies that sounds really fun that could be a really fun movie like if Edgar Wright directed this movie it'd be incredible but who a ball seems to have no idea how to build suspense this film progresses and things are just shown some really fucked-up guy just steps on screen he's got his skin is all sewn together and stuff he's eventually revealed as like the big bad guy but he just he just literally just steps on the screen he's just kind of like this like I haven't seen a villain reveal that bad since jaws the revenge when the sharp just appears on the screen in flow closeup for the very first time you ever see him so next they run into people who have encountered the zombies and a play of video they recorded on a camera that shows the zombies just eating people at the rave rather than let the video provide terror or suspense they just talk over it and explain everything imagine the disturbing footage scene in signs where Merrill sees the alien on the news videotape imagine if he just sat there going oh this is where the alien comes by oh man these people had no idea what they were gonna deal with all these poor kids that birthday party they really weren't expecting that were they it's it's like that it is all suspense that could possibly be in this scene is just drained from it it's potentially a good idea of finding a video camera with footage showing the zombies first attack it's just it literally just shows women flashing the camera with their tits and he's like oh whoops let me fast-forward through that I'm like so the one character in this movie I was almost sort of kind of getting close to maybe relating to earlier this girl who was questioning things and people were like no forget about it now after seeing the video of the zombie attack she just thinks it's a joke she thinks it's a practical joke so their old friend who disappeared earlier now reappears as a zombie and she gets blown away by the police boat captain who up until now was just a dr without a face in fact you know what she's still a dr right now i just want to get you all as far away from here as possible just don't know what to say but you know the best part of this scene is the reaction of the girl who just witnessed her best friend die she's like a wild animal did you see her face oh my god it's horrible I just can't right now so now a bunch of zombies climb up the captain's boat and he basically just stands in one position pivots at at 360 and shoots them all a bunch of times with some really great music I mean it's definitely the best music choice that could have made and don't tell me some music from the game because I already know that's the style they're going for as I said I used to play this game it's a game this is a film there should be some differences again there's no suspense it's just how bored were you just watching me do that imagine watching an entire film and that's all that happens so as the characters are getting close to where the boat is they're kind of starting to believe that some serious [ __ ] is going on and they scream for this guy who just so happens to be named Captain Kirk by the way oh yeah no [ __ ] guys that's definitely not him I just don't know what to say and what is this zombie doing just just grabbing people aggressively this is like a goosebumps episode where no one's allowed to die because it's for kids like it's kind of famous the goosebumps episodes on the TV show there's only a couple that have a legit body count for the most part you can't kill anybody they can like grab people and like kind of like shake their shoulders and stuff there can't be any blood or whatever these are goosebumps zombies they just kind of grab people and go like are sorry just turn into a horse apparently I used to play this game okay I get it you shoot a lot of zombies over and over and over as they slowly walk towards you that makes four zero suspense in a film it was suspenseful in the game because you're like oh [ __ ] I just dropped a dollar of quarters into this thing I really don't want to die right now I want to keep playing and they keep coming and they keep coming and that's what added the suspense of the game this movie has nothing like that because I can just press fast-forward if I really - I wish I had now they show a [ __ ] flashback to explain the zombie outbreak on this island and apparently this guy is the weird guy with the sown skin did you really have to explain the zombie outbreak it could have just been ambiguous it just kind of seems like they make every wrong choice honestly it's like the things that they should try harder on they don't the things that they don't have to worry so much about like explaining where the zombies came from they feel the need to explain it work harder on the other [ __ ] Bowl also uses the exact same angle of zombies running back and forth across some trees with what is supposed to be moonlight but it's probably just a big-ass spot like he cuts to this angle so many times you can tell that he stood there with his camera told multiple actors or maybe even just one for all I know to run back and forth over and over again so you could have multiple takes of zombies running but it's the same angle we're not idiots we can see this [ __ ] so next I just I just want you to look at the scene and just realize that literally at least 45 percent of the movie is exactly like this feel like jumping from a tall structure yet too bad or not done yet so when characters die in this movie they do a 360 pivot and fade to red like in the game I want the next James Bond movie I want James Bond to die and I want red blood to drip down the screen and I wanted to play this music so next the characters just happen across an ammo dump so we can get a big gigantic shootout scene let's talk about this scene it's unbelievably incompetent this entire sequence is a herpes inducing eyesore a parasitic leech of a scene that has the effect of causing one to long for medical anesthesia a never-ending barrage of matrix ripoffs amateur camera work and unforgivably bland rap music I'm to believe that every one of these idiots is a combat veteran who never needs to reload their weapon oh that was therapeutic so I thought that sequence was terrible as this sequence is coming to a close our guy who I guess is sort of becoming the main character actually has a flashback to the scene we just saw what the hell was that what was that what in this movie I mean I thought it was dumb but then that happened so something I haven't talked about this guy is apparently an underwear model yep that's pretty much his character when his cheek gets mangled he refers to himself as Elephant Man am i honestly supposed to care about this self-centered human piece of [ __ ] look at me who's gonna be able to look me in the eyes with a face like this freak I belong in the [ __ ] circus what a great message for anyone who watches this movie who deals with any type of self-consciousness so there's so little to talk about they find gunpowder zombies try to break in the idiots hide they use the gunpowder to blow stuff up and I guess this guy won't have to live his Elephant Man anymore yeah he just had to die cuz that horrible face injury too is cheap so more random people die then they meet one of the three musketeers in a tunnel uh okay and just when I thought that was kind of funny it's actually not one of the Three Musketeers I wish it was oh man that'd be so great it's their other friend from earlier but wait it's not that guy it's actually that guy hiding as a friend dressed as one of the Three Musketeers you can't make this [ __ ] up and then once again speak the plot out loud by letting us know what this guy wants to do you created us you could be immortal why do I even have to say anything could I just I just leave it at that do you guys understand the absurdity of that dialogue I'm just gonna trust that my viewers get how dumb that is because you guys are smart you created it all so you could become immortal why to live forever you would say it so another horrific sequence breaks out this time it's a sword fight I can only pray it's the last so the guy who runs up and [ __ ] chops off the zombies head why didn't you just do that earlier then a helicopter shows up and it's like predator who the helicopter comes and saves the guy because he's the big hero I guess and his reaction to being saved is genuinely compassionate when you we're here to rescue no thanks this is our main character you got a last name Kurian oh [ __ ] that's a character from the game Wow I remember playing the arcade game with the movie theater and that's carryin a no-no who [ __ ] cares it's bad you all knew that it's one of the worst movies ever made it has like a 2 out of 10 on IMDB or some [ __ ] I don't know it's bad oh I think I'm still going to talk about some more video game movies leading up to assassin's creed I wonder what the next one might be guys thank you so much as always for watching if you like this you can click right here and get stuck mine eyes you

Channel: Chris Stuckmann

Views: 1,006,142

Rating: 4.9307461 out of 5

Keywords: House of the Dead, Movie Review, Hilariocity, Chris Stuckmann, Uwe Boll, Zombies, Island, Zombie, Video Game, Arcade, Curien, Jonathan Cherry, Tyron Leitso, Clint Howard, Ona Grauer, Ellie Cornell, Will Sanderson, Enuka Okuma, Kira Clavell, Sonya Salomaa, Scene, Clip, Trailer, Teaser, Ending, Fight, Battle, Awful, Dumb, Hilarious, Moments, Comedy, Terrible, Director, Horror, Scary, Dreamcast, Playstation, Games, 2003

Id: mudGqiV-6yY

Length: 20min 2sec (1202 seconds)

Published: Sun Dec 04 2016