Deon Cole - Listening Will Get You Any Woman

alright alright so uh I wrote some jokes that i'ma try and hopefully they work and if they don't it don't matter I don't live out here so I'm not gonna be embarrassed or nothing so I just did this show in Florida in the States and I don't know if you all know this but Florida in the States is a retirement state you know and I had no idea like when I got on my flight I was like the youngest person on my flight like everybody on the flight was 80 and up you know it took me an hour to get to my seat cuz good none of these old [ __ ] get they luggage up in the table and I had to help the whole [ __ ] plane now I'm like move I got it just sit down I got it just move for you fall just I got it I don't know your hatbox is maple my with all these old [ __ ] going to I had to look at my plane ticket I'm like where we going to heaven I'm not taking pictures with no more tough guys if your tough guy don't ask to take a picture with me tough guys never smile in the photo I did Sean Chicago's all these thugs outside there was like yo you funny as hell dog get over here and take a picture with us I'm like man I'm tired they like get the [ __ ] over and take a picture with us I'm I quit hollering at me alright I get over there everybody in the picture like this I'm the only dumbass like I'm looking at the pitch I'm like damn y'all could have told me y'all weren't gonna smile and [ __ ] now we look like I wanted to pitch it with y'all I'm tired of my iPhone I hate that [ __ ] phone you know why cuz I'll always try to spell for me good trying to spell for me I know what the [ __ ] I want to spell I don't know no ninjas I wrote where's my [ __ ] phone like where's your ninjas I don't know no ninjas [ __ ] why would I hang out with ninjas any goddamn way you know what the best feeling in the world is next to sex cleaning your ears with a q-tip that's my [ __ ] you get really in there you laughs one time I got drunk and I was like you know what I'm gonna clean my ears and come at the same time and almost murdered myself cuz apparently you can't feel that [ __ ] good I was going crazy yeah ah I look like a newborn calf father man think that to a woman's heart is buying her stuff and it's not let me tell you how you get any woman in the world just listen [ __ ] just listening that's all you got to do and you could have any woman you want you ever see a ugly-ass dude with a fine-ass woman you got a hotter [ __ ] that happen he's listening he's at home every day like this that's all you got to do is [ __ ] listen and wait on your opportunity to get that ass that's what you do you keep listening until your opportunity comes Darryl come in the house you play hey what's up sweetie how you doing oh they trippin at your job again huh they don't understand that you are the best thing that's going on at that job without you that whole [ __ ] company would go under they don't know how [ __ ] good they got it but having you [ __ ] work there not yet okay so what you need to do is you need to stay there and show them that you are a loyal and true [ __ ] employee and they can never find nobody else like you not yet okay a lot of people tell me jokes and I just don't get jokes anywhere I'm a comedian you'll think I get jokes I never get jokes people coming to me all the time telling me jokes and I just don't get it you know I mean one time a friend of mine asked me to help him he caught me up here sigh hey Dion can you help me with something I was like yeah he was like okay okay Oh what has a little dick and hangs down I was like I don't know he was like a bat oh oh okay he was like now what has a big dick and hangs up I'm like I don't know then he hung up the phone on me I was like damn what happened to my signal I sure so I called him back I was like yeah I don't know what the [ __ ] happened to my phone but uh what would you saying say that [ __ ] again real quick he was like what has a little dick hangs down am i bad he like nowhere has a big dick hangs up I'm like I don't know then he hung up again and [ __ ] so now I'm outside doing these karate moves trying to find a frequency on my phone yeah it's me again I don't know what the [ __ ] happened I must be under some trees the something is [ __ ] his signal up but a little dick bad I got that part now what's after that smoke like a hung up again it [ __ ] I was like I hate TNT I ended up texting a mouse like what's after the big dick he texts me back click but how you gonna hang up on the text message [ __ ] I'm the alto thanks a lot and this is her argument she goes what if one of those illegal immigrants that we've seen the neighborhood tries to break into the house and rape me I'm like what are your fantasies have to do with this never hear your fat friends say something like no I really shouldn't you walk with your fat friend middle tonight you want to stop for some pizza hell yeah

Channel: Just For Laughs

Views: 1,574,099

Rating: 4.9203401 out of 5

Keywords: Just for Laughs, JFL, Stand Up Comedy, Stand-up, Stand up, Comedy, Funny, Comedian, Montreal, Conan O'Brien, Conan, The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien, Black-ish, Deon Cole, deon, deon cole, deon cole comedy, comedian deon cole, dion cole, dean cole, deon cole stand up, deon cole standup, deon cole comedian, deon cole wiki, deon cole youtube, deion cole, comedy deon cole, stand up deon cole, standup deon cole, youtube deon cole, Deon Cole Listening Will Get You Any Woman

Id: yaGIuDDt5xo

Length: 7min 31sec (451 seconds)

Published: Fri Feb 05 2016