Deon cole my live lock down comedy show on IG LIVE

getting away don't nobody else I'm just gonna roll baby sup everybody I know everybody is quarantined out chillin and all that and I was like you know what people kept asking y'all want to do some stand I want you to do some standup I finally cool and so I was like let me just let me just try to do a couple of bits or whatever that I've been working on or whatever so that's what i'ma do just run a couple like bits or whatever see if they work it's this is the weirdest - so it's no audience it's nothing I just gotta go off pure what I think so if you don't laugh that's fine too because I'm not gonna see even that laugh so it's fine like honey man I didn't care so I could I mean I can't but you know I I came at it you know you know comedians we wanted to get a laugh they whatever but anyway so it's all good so let me run by these bits real quick and hopefully they work yet they do fine if not then fine it you got it free [ __ ] you can't complain when you got a free goddamn show anyway so chill just gonna do quick with five minutes see if any of this work okay come on got my jokes right here okay okay the first ones this you ever give somebody from here and they don't remember you like you see them in public I begin some here oh you gained some hair before they just do not remember you like you see him and be like you know like y'all what's up what's up Sheila I see what hey you just be looking like she'll remember me that's great okay anyway that's I have to be on stage of feel audience I know that a freestyle dancer but the premise is hilarious because it's never happened to me nice job you ever go to a formal event like Black Tie type of event right and you go there and you show up in sweats like a sweat suit filling all out of place you should but in actuality you really end up looking like the richest [ __ ] in the room cuz they like why doesn't think got a sweat suit on he wasn't things got paper like I say you finish writing it but I think that's funny is here for my [ __ ] job in a sweat suit a black tie it's cool it's cool I like this I like this okay let me see the next one Oh fellas you ever have a woman give you some ass too quick kind of throw you off don't it you like hey what's up girl so look this one's gonna do big we're gonna go to the movies and then we go oh you want to go get a dinner and then we go to the movie and she'd be like nah nah I just no I just think we she's just [ __ ] you'd be like oh okay sure sure question do you do this all the time in everybody CheY CheY we can go out you want about to be my son nah that's just [ __ ] okay okay okay I stink us buddies it ain't happening to meet up before lads that's it happen to me what the hell I was right I was like man you want to go out she's like not really I rather just [ __ ] I was like man look at the time I gotta go had to get up out of there if you ever have somebody at your house and you want them to leave and they won't so you end up getting dressed attack like you got somewhere to go in order for them to leave and [ __ ] I never did that I got in a full suit before and told him off like I had an interview to get I asked about it it's like five at the board itself I and I'm doing five I was like this yeah they uh they about they business over there that's why come cool down I hope I get the job okay I'm seen let me see what's the next one Oh tiger woods' tiger woods' tiger woods' he doesn't want to identify with neither one of his but he's mixed with you know he doesn't claim neither one of you know his father's black and his mother's from Thailand and so he doesn't claim me the one that me just exists I figured that I would make up something for him you know so since his father's black and his mother's tie I'm just gonna call him a formal [ __ ] you get it like yeah that's funny as hell just call on the formal Nick black top it's just funny funny yeah okay ladies you like a uh you like the spontaneous man don't you ladies I know you do right all the women out there if you like the spontaneous man say yeah yeah yeah a lot of women like spontaneous man but I'm gonna tell you most spontaneous men got wives and other women why they so spontaneous because that's the only hour or only time they get to get out the house so they try to do everything within that time and energy you know heads up they just make it happen like if they're real women be gone for three hours they come out they call you yo I'm about to pull up get in the car we're gonna go to the movies to go shopping go get something to eat another chop you back off you be like oh man he's so spontaneous no that's that's that's all the time he got play really that's that's that's what that is so next time you were too spontaneous well [ __ ] he just go I'm pulling up getting the card like hey wait a minute so most men are spontaneous they got other women his suit and I messed that up for a lot of players in the house saw good Pam also a lot of women see a lot of women and man y'all y'all mess up in relationships and stuff because y'all y'all really hold on I've just thought of something yeah y'all in relationships y'all really be messing up a lot of times man yeah well y'all be wondering why our relationship don't work because y'all beyond basic just basic ass [ __ ] man first of all you'll be trying to get into a relationship with somebody don't begin to a relationship with anybody just like that's what you do you should try to find a friend first don't look for a relationship find a friend because that the relationship don't work out at least you got a friend laughs get what I'm saying a lot of times I'll just be out here like this girl from man will you be one the relationship with somebody and the relationship don't work and then they gone and there is all your there's time time wasted I do life trying to see if this person is the one for you and they not because you wanted a relationship get a friend first because the relationship don't work out at least you got a [ __ ] to put your shoe rack together the leaves you get a woman fellas at least you got a woman doing your taxes every year this your friend she's your friend still you get what I'm saying and a lot of the times the chocolate chips don't work out because y'all be just doing a surface [ __ ] y'all be like ooh I like him y'all don't ask the proper questions that's what it is so y'all just be like who the sex is good or he got money oh she looked good look at her body but then you get what that person you be miserable because it's the little things that you ain't asked about that's gonna break you up like what temperature does he like or what temperature does she like you gotta ask these questions see you gotta ask her what temperature do you like baby because you might be a dude who like to like to be in 70 degrees all the time huh she might love being an 85 degree weather all the goddamn time the house is on fire she keep that [ __ ] on 90 cuz she's skinny and she you know probably anemic or something like that so the house is on 90 at all given time you love it at 70 degrees that's gonna kill your relationship or she like it cold and he like it hot as hell so you got to ask these questions what temperature do you like baby that's what I'll start any daytime on I play how you doing I'm Deena what temperature do you like out the gate so I know that we they won't go further or we not you did what I'm saying so y'all make sure you I asked that what temperature does the person like I'm seeing I'm seeing let's see I did get somebody here and if we get you oh there's nothing so I worked with some very very beautiful women I have you know in the past I used to work with rashida Jones on Angie Tribeca very very very talented woman the daughter of Quincy Jones worked with Tracee Ellis Ross the daughter Diana Ross you know some very powerful beautiful women and people always ask me did you have a child to sleep with any of them no these are my people man plus I really don't I really wouldn't sleep with a woman who probably never had chores I don't think they ever had chores they were gay with raising royalty Diana Ross authority Jesse Jones thought it ain't never clean a bit service I'm quite sure they had servants aha I asked Tracy make me a sandwich she like what's the sandwich you speak of she probably don't know how to do that so type of woman I need this like woman who started babysitting at the age of six yeah parents was always gone so she started everything making her breathe that's kinda that's kind of woman okay here we go shout out to Tracy and what she did was my girls too uh one time I met jay-z right I'm gonna tell you about jay-z I was at a party and jay-z was like I was standing outside me and my boy Reggie true story Reggie all here - I was we rich and we was at this Def Jam party in the hills in California and when we got out we were standing outside and six SUVs pulled up and JC got out of them and all these dudes carry guns they all got out of it and uh Jay walked right up to me and Reggie he was like why y'all outside oh yeah now I used to smoke cigarettes that time I was like man we started smoking and chilling Reggie is like yeah it's Ellen Davis like how the party if I'm in this dope oh yeah he was like cuckoo I'll see how up in that man we was cool he walked in that we have Jay so I go back in I go in the party everybody had a party like yo that's Jay and Jay just got to talking to me and rich you know so I'm like man so this girl I seen that and I was like y'all I said look I want to get a picture with Jay alright I was like so what I'm gonna do is you know what we should do is we gonna dance and we're gonna dance all the way over to where Jay Z is okay now I hit take this camera when I get close to him just take the picture real quick all right she was like okay cool and I had one little cameras one of them yellow boys that you know when when remember them cameras like that right so I gave her camera right so yeah we dancing we proved her I think we get a little more closer to Jay we danced and I'm looking at her like make sure you do it and she holding the camera like I got you so we can live them all close to Jay live in more closer and then since we got right by Jay I turned around my side AJ man you think I can get a picture this way Jay said to me damn [ __ ] all these [ __ ] in here you want a picture with it dude the [ __ ] dude come [ __ ] with the [ __ ] wall I'll do you pretty women in here and you want a picture with a negative kind of [ __ ] you and I was standing there like what the [ __ ] is going on I lived it oh girl she just danced away with the camera should give me one cares yeah yeah it's Jay Z is crazy okay all right so that's some of my material I was working out I'm Ali a little joke y'all could take back the breaking masala if you like these jokes man let me know I send me a message whatever on little little video I'll post it on my page you know just working on some stuff hopefully y'all laugh man and he's quarantine times man it's this is a crazy time in a world right now hang on the in lot of y'all man I never witnessed nothing like this in my life you know what I'm saying and you know it's just crazy you know but uh anyway y'all be careful a family out of the joke real quick I know I could take back and tell somebody okay this is a joke it's funny little joke all right so this is fun I might do this again this is very cool hopefully y'all like this y'all like the material to joke so okay so here's a joke yeah I could take back to your quarantine area and use and tell some people like I said I shout out to everybody that watch cold-hearted I appreciate you man I love you to death we also had like this man I was filming this thing that's gonna flip the comedy game on its head me Neal Brennan and TIG Notaro do this it's love love love way to when we gonna we gonna go back to we gonna go back to the bag filming it when is all this is over with but it's gonna be so amazing for comedians it's a platform for comedians to blow up blow up blow up and I can't wait for us to finish filming it is insane anyway so it's it's gonna be coming soon Yaya's it's so dope it's gonna make the comedy game flippin you see this but anyway he go to jump y'all take it back it was this whale this big whale daddy well and there was a baby whale and they were swimming and I like corny jokes - I just wanna throw you throw that out there let y'all know and this is one of them so it's big whale and he had his son swimming with him and then babies whale and they was swimming and a baby will I asked the father he said hey Dad where did I come from and the big well said well you came from my penis son and then his son was like wow that's good to know Thanks and the dad said you're Wellcome [Laughter] you're welcome if you get high tell somebody that likes rolling up a joint and tell somebody that - yeah don't even don't even send him don't he set it up just like roll up roll up just be like it was these whales right right I did to it yeah all right man this is fun this is good this is groovy I might do this again you know make sure your quarantine days are great all right all right I love everyone out there be on a positive note man be on positivity all day long give me a layup thank y'all appreciate it

Channel: deon cole

Views: 179,528

Rating: 4.9491816 out of 5

Keywords:

Id: KQotvLM2gnY

Length: 18min 41sec (1121 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 24 2020