Dave Allen special. (1985)

I said welcome to the safe custody know the procedure so would you just please prepare yourselves try mrs. Clancy mrs. Clancy provide number five you shouldn't have any trouble identifying the body mrs. Clancy well I don't think so do you have any more Oh Lord I beseech thee in my hour of need as a minister of the to answer these lives in the body God in heaven help me you surprise them an atheist thank you good evening and welcome to the show and may I say your very good health sure there's extraordin in a way it's very illogical actually when you pick up something which is purely alcohol I say to somebody good health but you actually think of the properties of alcohol the damage it does to it destroys a brain cells gives you enormous headaches double vision DTS destroys your stomach lining your bladder your kidney your liver how we say good huh we say cheers good help low light we should be actually saying misery I mean we don't actually pick up anything that's healthy we never tells to tow somebody with a glass of water or a cup of tea but if you're in a bar you look across you go you were in a cafe with a cup of coffee you know I think the Irish actually accused throughout the world have been perhaps the most illogical nation in the world now I don't actually think that we are illogical I think that we are a nation of what would be term lateral thinkers I don't mean we lie down and think about it we approach subjects in a different way for example I guarantee you if if you go to Ireland and ask for directions from an Irish person nine out of ten people will advise you not to start from where you are it's just a different approach say I wouldn't start from here if I were you go over there's mirror I actually saw I've been out of Ireland for a while and I went back and I was in a restaurant and on the menu it said goose I haven't seen goose on a menu for years so I said I said to the waitress I said how's the goose she said I don't know I did nothing I said no no what's it like she said it's like a white duck only bigger and the English the English actually considered the IRS to be a very strange nation I get an Irishman who applies at a building site for a job and the Englishman said London world darlin ah we're gonna have to give you an intelligence test aren't we stormy thing about the English they always asking questions I went down the road didn't I oh I don't bloody know what is he asking me for well we're gonna give you an intelligent test all right he said all right darlin what's the difference between a girder and a George Hiram's well that's just simple Goethe wrote Faust and Joyce wrote neuroses if you want to actually examine what is termed Irish illogicality perhaps the best place in the world to go to mr. quartz I watched the man in an Irish court and the judge said to him is charged with some menial offense and the judge said - how do you plead guilty or not guilty I said would you mind awfully if I listened to the evidence I saw a judge who said I've reached a decision and the verdict that passed upon you the defendant is one year in prison and a 500 pound fine on the council of defense stood up mrs. Lord I'd like you to reverse that decision he said fine 500 years in jail there is a there is a word in the English language which is called a mallet problem it was created by an Irish writer called Sheridan and a play called the rival city's ability to mix up your words to get similar sounding words and get them out of context it's like saying I'm living on some science or I can't see through the through the window because of the compensation I've actually heard male Jewish children have an operation to the Gentiles a woman could not have a child because she was impregnable inconceivable or unbearable when I saw fell in court young fell on court standing in the dock in done and he's got his both his hands in his trouser pockets and his chewing gum very noisy right throughout the whole proceeding and eventually the judge lens across the bench and he said young sir would you kindly stop masticating and he said I'm sorry milord and he took his hands so men who have been charged with some sort of sexual offense and he's under oath and he's giving under oath his evidence and he's swearing under oath that he could not have committed the said sexual offense because of the time of that said sexual offense he was suffering from the dreaded Venetian disease and his counselors stood up and said my lord I think my client meant to say he had a touch of the gondoliers is it well for the English they actually they they pride themselves on the logic they look on the irises totally kind of lunatic nation people I was reading recently where London Transport have lost last year 14 million in unpaid fares and I thought to myself what if they applied Irish logic to that they could they could save themselves a lot of money all they have to do is to cut the fares in half and they saved themselves 20 million you're not quite sure I mean I find it extraordinary in the same age when you say a working man he spends his life he gets up every morning to the clock he clocks in to the clock he leaves work to the clock he comes home he goes to bed to the clock to get up to go to work to the flock and he spends his whole working life doing that and when he retires what did he do now he's got nothing to do and he's gonna talk to within the illogicality of england if I for example working on is something someday we'll have a nice hot summer go into my garden and I like the Sun and I decide to strip naked and lie in my garden naked and my next-door neighbour female looks out of her window and sees my nakedness she can actually see my genital my private oh my god what a word private she can actually form the police and have me arrested for indecent exposure now can you imagine that happening to you you kill your career is wiped out you the company that hired my god I didn't know it was like that your wife will wander around the neighbors all say oh poor darling my god imagine been married to a beastly your children will come harassed in school all the kids yeah - and yet if she goes into her garden and lies naked in the Sun and I look at her nakedness she can phone the police and have me arrested for being a peeping tom I think I'd actually be prattling on for a long time bit too long I think it's time actually that I did a little bit more damage to my health and while I'm damaging my health you can watch some sketches let it be known to all was in this parish but whereas these two females know a long time have been found guilty of the Hennis and unchristian sin of gossip Christian laws they shall suffer the prescribed punishment to width to reduct and held believe the water until they learn to punishment now that you are ordained members of the Traverse faith you must remember your three solemn vows about celibacy the vow of poverty and the vow of silence my mother was right about you six mad Irish get Oh regards a damsel in distress we've given already anyone else fools morons God how could they what do you mean I mean those fools with a bomb destroyed our world I don't believe anybody who could be so stupid what did you expect them to do we were being Slayton with annihilation well what did he expect them to do turn over on their backs play dead you're not coming out with that peace through strength argument Iyer you're bloody right I am if we hadn't had crews and Polaris they would have attacked years ago it was that deterrent to kept them at bay I don't believe it it was a bloody tutor that made of attackers in the first place you one of those CND supporters don't you right I wasn't men the English had the most illogical nation in the world you surround yourself with statisticians people actually work out statistically I read recently statistician has worked out but if the Chinese nation now that they've reached 1,000 million decided to walk around the world in rows 12d it would take me fifty two years of my life to count them as they went by my front door I don't think the Chinese are that stupid I don't think the whole of the Chinese nation is one day gonna stand up go oh I go hole walk around they're gonna pass my front door they all know where I live we go by day on door I mean I read these stories to this I read recently where somebody has worked at the 66 tons of dog excrement is excreted out under the streets of Britain now I'm totally against that anyhow but I mean how did they get these figures I mean can you imagine paying money to educate your child and he goes on to university and it takes degrees and he's not the greatest expert in the country on dog crap he's wandering around the streets for the rulers and mayhem and your guidance you're guided by the most illogical notices in the world for example in this theater here tonight the audience that are here are informed by the management that when you leave here you must leave by the exits only now I'm Irish I don't have to be told that there's solid wall gap I live near a graveyard which actually has a sign which says do not use the footpath to the crematorium it is for patrons only I love things when I see a door which says this door is not an exit this door is not an exit I've actually seen it in Manchester I was walking up a laneway on the outside of a door it actually says this door is neither an exit nor an entrance must be kept closed at all that is on the outside of the door so that means you're gonna go into the building come through the door go outside you see I mean I love it when I see things like part-time females required female I saw unnoticed recently which says are you illiterate able to read and write so contractors I mean I go through Soho and I seen it which says live girls dancing pretty expect sticks on a piece of life I've actually seen by the river terms assignment says this area is liable to flooding if this notice is covered do not park your car my favorite actually as I've seen have your ears pierced why are you wait what else he's gonna do take them off now let me get to the illogicality of any situation why don't you think the English for some reason another seem to believe that the impart knowledge and information and understanding through Proverbs they speak in proverbial forms they say parents will say the children things like never cross your bridge until you come to it believe me there is a proverb in the English language which actually states learn to cut your fingernails with your left hand one day you might lose your right arm I mean they they're amazing in the English I mean there really are with your language I was looking for a house trying to buy a house a few years ago and every house I went into people generally the woman in the house would show me around the house and she'd say things most obvious things she said this is the kitchen you chew me put a table on the stove and lots of plate this is the kitchen into the this is the lavatory the cellar is downstairs the bar at a table two or three empty chairs around somebody's bound mom say why are you sitting in that chair no I'm sitting in this one know what I mean is there anybody sitting in that chair yes does eight people having a gangbang have you ever stopped seeing a park on a newspaper sit on the bench it's wet and you put a newspaper down sit there somebody come along super Sun I guarantee you I guarantee you after five minutes or two minutes they'll turn around say are you are you reading that yes I have my anus and the English when they meet somebody who doesn't actually speak English very well they don't ever work it out and reason about the person does not speak English where they work on the premise he's dead go get a German or something that you you want to go where well then you go go down down up down down the go down the road Poland in yeah I think it's so I think it's time that we have a another sketch isn't I'm afraid there's no doubt at all mr. Kravitz we felt that as his wife maybe you would want to tell him yes I understand if you're rather no no no I did just two minutes sir Henry it's me Joan darling it's me I brought you some flowers where shall I put them what in the Vosges darling Thea I've just spoken to the doctor the hospital live they've run some tests on you god I don't know how I'm going to break this to you the hospital say it's almost certain that you're a glove puppet shaaka I could ask for a second opinion but I think the deep down with both known it all along the answer that never was the answer to any of our problems oh darling yeah come on no there that's better Henry we've always promised each other that we wouldn't have any secrets haven't we and it's not working out for us is it darling it's my fault as much as yours it's just the time well I'm not a glove puppet and darling I've got something to tell you I've met someone he's he's very like you really only taller it's not is anything very special it's just that he and I are alike human in a way we're neither of us glove puppets darling don't make this difficult for me things are better for both of us this way darling you and I we have no future together you'll come to see that in time I'm sorry I must be going so this is all our last goodbyes May I kiss you I'll never forget you I'm taking that very serious out there I'm sure but appear that the theme of this show is communication or the lack of it that's the case maybe somebody simply CSE examination paper which I'd like to read you affirm it that's one of the questions it's question 5 CSE mathematics paper in a youth club 25 girls are 17 years old 31 girls wear miniskirts and 23 like country dancing there are nine who are both 17 years old and wear miniskirts 7 wear miniskirts and like country dancing and 4 girls are 17 years old and like country dancing there are two girls who are 17 years old wear miniskirts and like country dancing as well how many girls are in the club I'll I'll work it out you you watch some sketches I am here we are here on the King's business we are here on the King's business morning charlie hurry Bish's O'Hara O'Hara my my something come as a shock mrs. O'Hara heroic humor theologically speaking this represents the continuum of Anglican orthodoxy which we embraced within the litany and indeed the liturgical Canon the term and on that farm he had a cow before we proceed I have to ask you if either of you is prepared to apologize and offer the other party a retraction you your grace certainly not my lord no no I seem hey well have you chosen your weapons we have is it to be pistols or swords may be stupid man it these delightful young girls feel to understand for a doctor you're not very bright perfectly obvious the first man who dies of excitement loses the Jew I see well this is damned irregular however do get on with it however we shall commence and now you know the rules eight paces retire are you ready gentlemen justing pitiful creatures to die for a moment of lustful pleasure serves them right somebody clear these miserable carcasses away you notice that nowadays whatever you do say or where somebody's trying to analyze psychologically with a whole hidden meaning or hidden messages behind it all scientists tell us that something like 35 percent of all communication is made in words the rest of it is made up in the way we dress the sounds that we make the hand gestures that we make and what we call body language exactly we're told that we we tell a great deal of about ourselves and our inner selves by the colors that we were for example people who wear yellow are basically depressed and they're trying to brighten themselves up by wearing yellow i'll wear yellow and they know inwardly that yellow doesn't suit them so they become even more depressed I mean brown we are told if you wear brown you're you're insecure you're shy you need lots of confidence building grey we're told if we were great were we're wearing grey because we don't want people to know what we're really really like it's a kind of nondescript color blue you wear blue you your car easy see mrs. Thatcher miles apart White's clean pure untouched virginal why do nuns wear black red red as far as women are concerned is sexually aggressive that's what they're actually saying they come into a room and they're actually saying this is my body it's mine and I'm proud of it and it does wonderful things look at it that's going to take yours and gobble it up in a moment and then a week she's wearing black saying he couldn't take it we're told it red red black and white extremely aggressive I'm wearing black white grey wearing blue calm my virgin slightly aggressive I don't know what I'm mourning but I think I know there's also when we talk about communication there's there's the body language it's become now in a sense a science people actually believe in what the body language there's all sorts of gestures messages we send through through our body with we'll be sitting very still but our body is sending all sorts of messages for example if I do do things like this that means I'm pleased with myself how do I get to folding the arms folding the arms is in a sense telling you or other people to back off I don't really want contact with you this is my territory stay out okay I'm building barriers so push off this the legs I do that I'm guarding the genitalia I really don't want anything to do with you what's so okay and if I do this as well I'm really telling you push shop I'm not gonna screw me open hands but do things I then listen to me please now listen to me I'm being totally honest but open house I'm justice well see what your legs open see it means that you're sexually available that's what it's saying honestly I'm sexually available I want you to when you do things like when you're sitting in a chair on your legs and your you just kind of kind of point in but your foot you're inadvertently sending out messages to the person that you'd like like to have sex with available what the camera there's also there's all sorts of Sun I mean why don't you think of us of gestures aggressive gestures have you ever noticed that there's no aggressive gestures that are down there all up all those times are all somebody behind you in a car blow the horn out a window will go I mean there are things we're not supposed to do natural your body behaves in a natural way yawning for example how many you're young what actually happens is your body is taking in more oxygen somebody somewhere along the line has applied what they would call rooms good manners you never you're stop that cover your mouth up so any you have a yawn your you want your you go you ever seen people Thank You jaw but in your own house in the previous of your house when you when you actually wake up in the morning don't you yawn and it's beautiful you don't sit in bed when you wake up in the morning same as Scratchy you get a scratch you can achieve it scratch don't you in your own household your scratch good that's lovely oh it's great scratch so warm mama says oh it's good its body contact as far as you you actually get other members of your family the scratches cuts cuts cuts there oh don't cover your mouth you're properly she's sharing another room you know when you're talking about Scott you actually get remembers are you don't you I'll be ever good scratch they're they're just on Donna Donna oh oh oh over over over Oh and yet in public we're not allowed to scratch we're not allowed to contact our bodies and find yourself going to talk to your bank manager gotta borrow money in the middle of this discussion about rates interests little itch you won't go excuse me I have an itch I'm about to scratch it alright it's nothing filthy or dirty or and I would be it furnished you don't do that you sit there I mean it begins to spread get your hand in your pocket you'll at the same time it looks like you're having a fit your signal hiding herself actually looks like we've come to the end of the show but I have one last subtitle and what a better way to introduce this last item than to say once upon time once upon a time in a land far away there lived a princess never love the king tried to make her laugh we even though the king sent for the court jester but even this funny man could not fake the princess so the king loved his daughter dearly sent messages to every land in all the world and he made it known that he who could make the princess laugh would have the hand of his daughter in manage and in less time than it takes to tell the funniest men in all the world were arriving at the royal palace but the princess didn't even smile the king became more and more miserable he sat and brooded in the palace and wouldn't speak to anyone he was very unhappy one day the princess decided to go for a walk in the forest she was sad she didn't mean to make a father unhappy he was just like she'd never seen anything that made her feel like laughing then suddenly whilst walking she saw a man the good news swept through all the land the princess is lost and in no time at all the princess and the man she met in the woods were Wed the king was delighted queen was delighted little dog princess

Channel: VHSfx

Views: 1,486,680

Rating: 4.7566538 out of 5

Keywords: dave allen tonite, bbc dave allen, Dave Allen, dave allen (comedian), dave allen supermarket supermarkets, Dave Allen Tonight, stand up comedy, Ireland, BBC, God's own comedian, dave, allen, Comedy, death, Irish, Atheist, funny, david haye, religion, david allen, dave (tv channel), christianity, comedian, dave allen at large, 70s, dave allen, dave allen boxer, dave allen on religion

Id: ezUZqPSjd-4

Length: 53min 28sec (3208 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 14 2013

Reddit Comments

[u/dudemanhey]

Thanks for posting. Love Dave Allen.

[u/[deleted]]

I’m at work and I’m only commenting so I can find and watch it later

[u/chickendance638]

I've seen this before and it is absolutely hilarious.