Dave Allen on Airplanes

when I fly I don't wanna look come up wide seats short seats reclining seats how much booze are going to give me what food under what I fly three things Arnold will the plane take off wanted when it's up in the air will it stay in here and when it comes down is it coming down where they said it would come out oh I want to know get on aeroplanes good the language the language of Airlines planes are never late good never sir the delayed you get on Monday the tape and as always you see there's always these words that these words are very important a psychological wording you get on airplane sitting on the runway ready to take off that's when the hostess always tells you about the things that can go wrong with the plane they never tell you that when you're buying the ticket do they they never say the wings could fall out or oxygen will fail none of that they wait until you're sitting that not only you're sitting there but you're strapped you strapped into this bloody thing and then under the guise of talking about the doors they're giving you a blessing Gina use words of var if by chance as if by chance the pressurization of the cabin drops oxygen will be provided that's bloody nice of them they've got you up to 35,000 feet they're about to asphyxiate you know will give you sausage that's all oxygen will be provided if an oxygen mask drops down in front of you please place it over your nose and mouth and breathe where else for Christ's sake that's the only part of your body you can breathe or you're not gonna stick it on your heart and breathe normally normally can you see yourself 35,000 feet and these things drop out of the room like use contraceptive then you're gonna go oh look at that oh that's interesting the pressurization of the cabin must have dropped providing us good oxygen Oh interesting is it yes crap let me tell you if you're sitting there 35,000 feet those things drop down in front of you the first thing that happens is your anal nerve goes I'm a jumbo jet that is 500 anal nerves quicker the thing you get that thing over your nose words like emergency landing have you come across that emergency landing emergency landing this clever wording it's an emergency but it's a landing they've got you down we're pros it's emergency we've seen you through we've got you down you don't have to worry about virgin see somebody says emergency to me crash that's what is emergency landing hit some wallop bang bump into we're about to make an emergency landing on the side of this mountain lovely things like make sure you safety belt is fastened you see yourself going through all this the plane is coming in your table is stowed seat is in an upright position make sure that all the property and glasses you give to the hostess let's test CP we come into the side of a mountain will you take my dash away take your teeth out Viggo say take your false teeth out they say take your teeth because there was fools going place a pillow on your lap and place your head on the lap you see that see them come into the side of the mom with your head on your lap that's so you can kiss your ass good-bye brace yourself brace what did you do when you hit the mom i brace myself do you know that an aeroplane after 18 hours flying is just filled with vomit defecation and farts that's all it is it hits the side of a mom that's why nobody'll go new here for days if have you heard if in the unlikely event of us having to put down on water there's a double doubt there isn't it if unlikely put the truth it if unlikely put down on water put down put down leaves foot down thistle down puts down feathers put down jumbo jets have you seen one it's as big as this stage of a pricing if I took this set her up to 35,000 feet and dropped it it would not put down it will bury itself from the bloody ground infinitely likely event it was having to put down on water you will find your lifejacket under your seat then let me show you how to put it on place it over your head you take two ribbons and secreto body once tie it and blow on the left-hand side let me do it can you see yourself on the sky at 900 miles an hour you put down in the Indian Ocean you see in the Indian Ocean it's enormous it's black and nasty and enormous it's got waves huge gigantic waves following each other all around and you look at your safety card and you have landed in the Indian Ocean your captain has managed to find a flat piece your playing is flat all little blue waves all around at all pretty the yellow slides coming out of the side of the airplane people going the dingey with a belt at children's hey mummy we're going camping in email you see pictures of the people leaving the airplane so briefcase when the whole staff is saying thank you for flying me one thing you never see and all that is little black fins do you you never look at those pictures and there's little black fins all floating around there you get an airplane and you're looking at the safety card and it has black fins on it I have been there before you that's what I do on aeroplanes now I get the safety cards and I draw in little black and I get a reading can kind of put little bits of red in it and for your added safety while you're in the Indian Ocean they give you a whistle in the Indian Ocean miles of nothing huge waves rescue plane 40,000 feet you know the one thing I've always always you hear about but any sort of mishap with airplanes the one thing that they always find they always seem to get back is the flight recorder no name the black box they always get the black box back it's waterproof bomb-proof fireproof it is totally indestructible winds on it

Channel: Simon Tilley

Views: 3,305,032

Rating: 4.8057384 out of 5

Keywords: Dave, Allen, 1993, Planes, flying, crashes

Id: yBca1ixoEbg

Length: 10min 27sec (627 seconds)

Published: Mon Jul 28 2008