Dave Allen - Banks And Shopping - 1993 - Part 1

thank you thank you very much to do extremely kind group welcome to the show I don't round other things in life that's get up your nose it's cause agitation and anger and need to stress anxiety little things sure jinora hate square drinking glasses I really piss you off no I'll tell you what I I'm gonna have a drink drinks water I'll tell you what my pet hate in life is banks I really do I loathe banks I love banks as they stand now when I was a young man you'd never borrow money you might borrow a few quid from a few friends don't have a drink good cinema isn't good but you'd never dream of going into the bank and saying could I borrow some money they say what collateral do you have this I don't have any is it piss off now in the 80s that all changed until a few years ago come on in come on you wanna borrow money you just be walking by the bloody place tomorrow some money what you wanna borrow some money no thank you no thank you why not what's wrong with you you lunatic I'm not him to make any difference have some money come on here have some what do you want what do you want buy some I'm gonna have a house buy a house good but just just buy a house you want a house I am talking about well here have it oh come on want a car you don't want to walk around like everybody else got a car and he just poured it on you now that's all changed the images of the banks which were at one time the caring bank we are the carry bank we are the listening bank we have a friendly bank we are the open bank we're the bank that likes to say yes bank now it's changed totally now it's are you out of your mind Bank piss off bang get out of here you Bank we don't give a bank we're told that the economy of the High Street depends on us the people spending our money now to help the economy of the country the bank's arrange credit for us by letting us have credit cards and we to help the economy take these credit cards and spend money that we don't have and these bosses charges for that and we're grateful give a try to get in to see your bank manager it's like any into God I see bank manager oh really yes I would and you you talk like a sick of frantic idiot oh yeah I know I know he's very busy I know no I know he's extremely busy and involved in financial matters but I would be I would be very grateful please understand things here's your fly open you say no no should it be can you get in to see this bastard but he sitting there like some omnipotent I've never seen them they always no one's put the fingers together and they always took advances down - I'm gone I can do man I can't do that my fingers want to see this come in give me no no yes thank you thank you very much Lee it's very kind of you I know this job you take a seat oh yes yes I will please could I kiss your ass first banks open at 9:30 in the morning right at 9:30 in the morning they'll be 6 to 8 or 10 tellers all sitting there doing absolutely nothing because most of us the public do our banking between 12:30 and 2 o'clock we turn up at 12:30 6 of these bastards will piss off for the lunch and I don't know about you but when I have a choice of two cues I cannot pick the right one the suit cues there could be nine people to 1q five people in the other queue and I will not know which one to go for and I'll be sending myself which Q should I go for and the sensible me will be saying nobody's really ready let me say go for the 5 5 is less than 9 it's gotta move quicker so I go for the 5 and the 9 drops to 6 4 or 3 or something kind of 6 again strange so I run over to the 3 under 5 goes to 2 and I run back again I'm gonna time I get back then three more people have joined up that you and I don't wait I hope but did you come from your bastard I spent the whole day in the bank darting from one cue to another I'm gonna get to the top this ever told it's an extraordinary thing to be in a queue I'm watching going down and you want one talk one mr3 Reagan stood freedoms - ah seems - good good good good good to use to do against - goodbye catching up here - against to trillions - ray - just one two against one ah two against one till gets one two against one against one one I am always behind the one person who's banking for the third world in cash they bring out those bloody things bags of coins I want to tear them I want to turn a pubic hairs you'll never get the rage like that I'm I I'm still me huh no how did I get behind you you don quixote's peewee cares out knit a scarf and strangle opacity thanks now banks don't want you in the banks do you notice they're just evolved that of banks over the years they do not want you and I in the banks or crêpes they don't want to deal with let those go outside they have dispensing machines that's where they want you out so rain sleet snow howl in northern winds and we're standing there like a lot of they're all in the central heating looking out look at those brats come on have a look at these packs come on what an ideal place for muggers I mean really what a great place for muggers virus a mugger that's where I go I stand by the bank it'd be a queue of muggers oh I'm gonna mug you in a moment oh good yes what are you taking off Oh finger the thing about 40 well take out 60 okay true thank you and the American banks have actually introduced a queuing system which is quite different they have in the middle of a bank like in an area which is like a Corral the ropes around on the sign which says enter here and then there's little tracks where you go up and you go down and you go up and you go down you go up you get up and as a sign that says wait here to be serviced I think I said why do that why do 70 yards I just climb over the rope so that's what I did I just timed over the room and this follow with a big gun come over to mrs. what are you doing I said I'm just climbing back over the rope now the system has crept into our post office have you been in our post offices lately you have this great meandering queue people all wandering around bored brainless zoned out there's music they have a big television set have you must have a big television set to show you all how wonderful to pull suffers as you stand there getting older and older and older to show you things like facelifts nose jobs beds that you can straighten your back on almost like I'm all wandering on I've seen people go around the post office three or four times I'm not biased and they're just salt although have you ever noticed when you when you're there and one of the areas becomes vacant and you don't notice it the killer I don't like those BQ I want individual Q's that's what I want individual Q's for individual people's needs I think in every every post office there should be a queue for foreigners sure I don't mind I like forest but I don't want to be in a queue behind them I don't know wait and wait and wait while I go through all that foreign crap I want to get on with it it should say for people who cannot speak English behind an Italian honey's going I wanna anyone I want to know how how wha how will you say yeah a TDR you know you know what I mean I am talking ah SH got a pen here I'd stick it in your head there should be cues for people who know nothing about anything it should say this is an cue oh good there I know that um hey do you think do you think I should this possible spa suppose it's better supposed by C or maybe by air ah I'll train a train can I send a parcel post by train to France uh no I can't can i oh I could if the Channel Tunnel is open your eyes feel like blue cheese grannies can forget behind a granny in a queue all grannies want to talk about is a grandchildren that's all they have in life nobody has to ask them they just volunteer all this yes I've got three grandchildren Museum yes my daughter Sophie she marriages kappa core I didn't really like her but she liked um so I suppose I couldn't say anything about it but they have to be children this little Rodney Rodney love little boy ha ha ha ha I'm Sylvia I'm not sending them the birthday presents because if you're but I'm standing behind a thing of you old geriatric why say die and let me buy my

Channel: 84RobThe

Views: 678,085

Rating: 4.7690644 out of 5

Keywords: Dave, Allen, Comedy, Banks, Shopping

Id: iYt9eow1ZyQ

Length: 13min 41sec (821 seconds)

Published: Wed May 09 2012