The Dave Allen Show (Carlton) - 1993

[Applause] [Music] [Applause] thank you very much indeed extremely kind of you totally unnecessary all I did was walk from there today you ever see yourself on the lift Shiva watch yourself and lift to know what we're all thinking and lifts every one of us if the cable breaks do you know what we're thinking if the cable breaks a split second before the lift hits the ground I will jump up in the air [Music] [Applause] just bring the top of the lift closer to your head quicker I I don't like lifts elevators I've been trapped it's trapped in the lift in New Zealand it's trapped for about 45 50 minutes in this lift New Zealand I didn't worry me at first then it started to worry me you kind of sit down you're reading things looking at the notices and thinking limit wait 800 pounds or six people you think there are a lot of fat bastard what if it's just two people over 400 pounds each what if it's one bastard how would he have got in it was a it was a otis lift and I'm sitting there kind of doing anagrams sit oh I sit I thought sat I to is his tubes I'm gonna just and gradually and then I saw this thing which says in the event of fire do not use this elevator as a means to escape the building minute the build is on fire I'm in another just wait I like there was an emergency phone and I picked that up it was engaged oh they'll enter after about 45 50 minutes a screwdriver the the age of technology a screwdriver come through the door oh no I'm just a father I would have married about so to me laughs me [Music] when he says to me he comes out with this great advice how do you feel I said well I was getting a bit weary about it I didn't really like a piece of all what you must do actually is get into another lift immediately it's like falling off a bike you've got to do it immediately otherwise you will never do it again so getting this lift here and just press it up go up to the top of it and come back down again two hours I was in that bastard [Music] now if I can help but I don't I don't use elevators I have to when I'm in America loose in America recently well not racing about a year ago so and I had to get into an elevator didn't one of those very tall buildings kind of 44th story or something like that would have taken me years to walk up there and I wait I wait because I think if somebody comes along I can talk to them at least if something happens I've had somebody in there to talk to which is important hi I wait and I wait and wait and nobody comes so eventually I think Oh give him the lift get in there I'm standing over lift I'm going I'm gonna hyperventilate oh oh oh get it over with get it over with so I press the button and the doors go wait for the doors to open and nothing happens and I wait two three seconds oh Christ but I blow over here there valise you gotta yeah I'm careless little toes with my nail avi somebody taps me on the shoulder when I turn around them as eight or nine people say it's one of those old alternate doors for alternate floors put your procs you all right yes tell you what I hate to is music dear where's do you like music is there anybody in the world likes music the worst thing in the world that can happen to you is to hear yourself humming to it [Music] is everywhere you phone somebody and they put you on hold they say could you hold on a second are you holding [Music] price I didn't want to talk to anyhow dentist you go to a dentist nowadays music have you been to a dentist recently years ago needs to wear short jackets now they wear robes goggles gloves man do you think they were clearing up Chernobyl for Friday look at the drilling Irma [Music] [Applause] I'll tell you who I hate - is when somebody phoned you it was the wrong number they get the wrong number and they will not accept it they will not accept that you are telling them this is the wrong number hello hello can I speak to Charlie Charlie Charlie who Charlie Charlie lives there no Charlie doesn't it yes he doesn't know he does I live here I've lived here for 24 years there's no Charlie living here be sure [Music] there is no Charlie and then they'll say well what number is that I know what the crisis got to do with you if I give you my number you've already got my number your ring there's no Charlie you ring me back and I'll tell you there's no Charlie now [ __ ] off and get off the phone leave me alone and then they do the thing I'm sorry I beg your pardon I'm sure sorry I apologize listen I made a mistake it's slipped on my finger I'm sorry if I got you a dictator died it's just one of those and then you feel guilty I feel guilty I don't pouch okay look don't worry about it it's okay anybody can do it I've done it myself it's okay forget it okay and then he says something like hey if Charlie rings would you tell him I call tell you who I hate to doctors receptionists they're like a kind of Panzer Division protecting their God I go to the doctor and she'll say to me what do you want I'm in the doctor's surgery what do you want I'd like to see the doctor why well I wonder if you'd help me change the tires of my car [Music] you wanna see them yes I followed you I don't know well I was a doctor I'd know what I'm wrong I would be here well you know he's very busy oh hold on that case I'll piss off and die [Applause] [Music] on their mean bastard something those magazines Jesus I'm just reading a magazine the other day Michael Jackson was still black collectin Sonia I mean they're educated people but they they can't say things they'll say things like how's the waterworks this is a qualified doctor how's the waterway you told him on my dick and what are you talking about well I was just havin only how's how's the old undercarriage Betty aeroplane you think I land on my crotch every time how's your blood pressure one your blood pressure how is it I don't know you mean you haven't had any blood pressure taken said I'm over you I said I'm 56 he says that are you aware that more more men in the middle 50s die and any other age I saw what about the other ones he said they don't get there now not whatever he said what he's talking like that your blood pressure's gone up it has to go up for Christ's sake he's telling you you have not long to live and they have you seen them they take out a little black box that looks remarkably like a coffin [Music] and there's a black armband in there from me please stop that [ __ ] I starts to tighten on your arm nobody explains it it's a living Jesus what's happening I just push my arm break it out and then are you still ago this phenomenon turn type of thing drops down they said yes you have high blood pressure I have of course I have just given it to me I went to a doctor reason I had a trapped nerve that is trapped nerve but he's do me what do you think is probably I said I have a trap no so you said all right let me examine you he examined me and he says you have a trapped nerve 335 pounds and I said when I came in I said I had trapped nerve you didn't give me anything you tell me I've got a trap and I gotta give me a 35 Quinn and I'm an ex-smoker I don't like smokers I'm an ex-smoker I'm a real convert nasty excellent I do not like smoke you use these there's a full of blow and smoke all over me don't do that I don't like it he's almost not the real nicotine the nicotine is going into me and so neither residue I said well I don't like he said what you drink I said yeah but I don't piss on your face [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] there are things in your life that I know you don't horns in car people who play bang the horns all the time what what is it with horns you're in a car any of us are in a car and you hear a horn 300 yards away and we assume it's for us I was driving not two weeks ago I get my car I'm driving beat me me bastard behind me so I'll be be so I think I'll get away from this fellow I'll Drive from her so I just go down and he follows me me so I stopped but he stops I'm gonna get another cover try to go back oh I can't even speak Polly says here's your briefcase um brothers people would own brothers don't you get angry about scenes on that soon I also go bow oh good you get angry about people with on brothers walking around I get livid I saved my eyes I mean those people go to detox do you know what I'm gonna do one day I'm gonna take the unbell awesome I'm gonna close it I'm gonna stick it up their ass and then I'm gonna open it a big blue farting lift I was in America recently I get into an elevator and there's a photo there you saw what floors here I said seven or whatever was mr. button I'm just as the doors are closing he got out [Music] sealed metal box with his fart we go up two floors the doors open three people get in [Music] I don't deny it I mean that Sikhs or anything I don't deny it I don't say hey I didn't bought it wasn't me I don't know he's a dirty bastard down tell you what I hate - I need Superman I don't like supermarkets I I don't like being conditioned I go to a supermarket I think I'm being edition do you ever watch mothers with children at the checkout at one place the checkout is where all the sweets are all the goodies all glittering under the cue and the child is time to Zone in on it and you see mother's been morally blackmailed by this whole system mommy no darling no I told you yesterday no now no stop it stop you're looking for a sore bottom Brod nice fashioned you're looking for a sore bottom whatever will I find it you're asking for a slap I didn't ask you yesterday love that when mothers you ever see mother sitting children stop crying stop crying I'll give you something to cry about this is a madness we have a madness in the world we promote this madness ever watch yourself what are the most important things we have parents do is we teach your children about time we teach them important things like reading the clock you actually think that's important I'm teach you to read the clock i'ma teach you to read the time why because it's important that you know the time why because how would you know when to get up to go to school mommy would make me what if mommy wasn't there what if we both weren't there how would you know when breakfast was gonna be hungry somebody came along to you and said what time is it and you didn't know you'd feel stupid why doesn't he feel stupid he didn't know we go through this whole thing let me teach you I did it myself my son don't cheat you have to read the clock this is a clock it's not actually o'clock it is a clock but it's not a clock it's a watch it's called a watch it's a wrist watch because it's on my wrist yes it's a wrist watch because it's on my wrist and I watch it yes now this time is made up of zones periods of time all right there's this hours minute no not hours no they're not ours they're ours they don't belong to us it's a different spelling Hou RS not ours it's sad I don't know now on every day there are 24 hours 24 of these hours 12 in the day in 12 of the night I know I said there are 24 hours in the day 12 in the day for the night but a day is made up of a day and a night what are you stupid I couldn't very well say Monday Monday night everybody knows when I say Monday I'm talking about the 24 hours now on every clock or watch there are three pointers they're called hands alright they point to the hour all right understand it there's the hour hand that's the first hand the our hat the second hand is emitted hand and the third hand is the second [Music] we will do away forget about the third hand forget it it's gone all right stop all we have two hands on the face of the clock there are two hands all right there's the our hand which is the fat hand and there is the thin hand which is the minute so you have a fat hand and a thin hand all right fat hand ours thin hand minutes right now up the top of the clock you see the number up there one and two one and two is twelve it's not free it would be three of you tying them together we already have a 3 here on the side by itself we don't need to bloody trades on a clock so it's 12 all right 1 and 2 is 12 so when the fan on the sin hand are pointing up to 102 it is 12 o clock in the daytime [Music] Collison and starts to move away from the patent it likes the pattern yes it likes the fat hang but if it wants to tell the time it has to go away from the pattern so it moves away from the fat hand leaving the fat hand at the one on the two and then it comes over to the one here by itself you see the one to the right of the one on the two now that one is five because it is just 5 2 is 10 3 is 15 4 is 25 is 25 6 to the ha because 12 is the hole so 6 is dark seven is 25 - or 35 past so now what's actually happy is the thin hand who's moving around the clock from the 1 to the 2 which is the 5 of the 10 and while he's doing that the fat hand is moving slowly away from the 102 yes because fat hands move slowly that's like faxing waddle away yes that's it and now by the time the flat hand has got around to the one which was the 5 when the minute hand is pointing at it and the one has come back right up to the one of the two it is now what time it is not five o'clock it's one o'clock because when the fingers point sanity's minutes the pointer it can are are you be a good boy and learn how to read the clock and I'll buy your digital watch right well that's all Vettel kidding ladies gentlemen I think it's about time I went thank you very much for listening be very good lovely audience to work to hope you've enjoyed yourself take care of have a good new year and a continued good life I'm just finished the end of year tonight thank you may your God go with you [Applause] [Music] [Applause] Dave Allen returns next Monday night here on Carson at the same time [Applause] [Music]

Channel: Coldclough

Views: 53,377

Keywords: Dave Allen Show 1993, Carlton Television 1993, Noel Gay Television

Id: dA-9tz6cnIM

Length: 24min 7sec (1447 seconds)

Published: Wed Feb 28 2018