Dave Allen - Statistics and Teenagers - 1993 - Part 1

you embarrassing doesn't you know what to do thank you very much indeed good evening welcome to the show fuel I recently bought a book on statistics quite as interested in statistics quite fascinated and in one of these the first thing I read was that one in every three women has long hair one in every twenty has red hair and they've worked it out that one in every sixty has long red hair one in every thousand women is attracted to older men one on every thousand women is attracted to Irishmen which means that one in every thirty million women has long red hair and is attracted to an older Irishman with my luck it'll be a bloody nun there are certainly statisticians the figures are going to mean about the average person in this country eats sixty pounds of chocolate a year I don't eat chocolate sort of means some greedy bastard is out there eating a hundred and twenty pounds I read because of nicotine and carbon monoxide mixing together drivers who smoke are four times more likely to have a crash than people who don't smoke and what I say keep those off the road and let us drunks drive and saving they have worked out that the average male is capable of making love in his life five thousand times your eyes lit up there man she's nudging him to play for me first adjusting like that reacted that means that they have to work under what they call laboratory conditions so that means that they got some poor fellow brought him into little Bharati and he screwed himself to death they have electrodes all over mm how do you feel all right okay 3506 is bad 1995 hasn't hello is that rigor mortis in another erection somebody some statistician that's actually worked out that the average person on an eight-hour flight on an aeroplane farts 14 times there's always fear 14 times on an eight-hour flight that means you're on an airplane with 500 people on a jumbo jet this is 7,000 farts and they can't get out that means you're breathing farting you're reading other people's watch a little but perhaps the fart did you fart is a fart that you've just taken in getting away from statistics I I read recently but women who have silicon implants to the breast and high altitudes can blow up we can explode sitting on an airplane I got on an airplane now I won't go now anybody who's got big tits key legend say me sides only when there's only boom high-velocity nipple hit your head can you imagine a hijacking the plane hijacking the plane hijacking the moon can you imagine tell me what big pitch going in to the pilot and sticking his nipple in the end take it to Cuba take us to Cuba the world of lunatic is a lunatic place I was reading about this lipples function where you can have the fat sucker Jesus Lucy I mean what they actually do if you want fat removed from parts of your body they make a small incision and put this tubing and turn it on and it starts to suck the fat early what if it went wrong you just watch yourself disappear face lips why what is it why do we need all that crap I could just grow old gracefully facelifts I mean they're how they work they sure you move sections of skin and then pull it and knit it together yet just keep on doing so if you have one you just do that if you have two they take another pit but keep on going so you keep on just getting tighter and tighter until when you see people with face listen we're saurians in the world you tell him a good guy huh you they can y'all they sit beside somebody you know how yawns are kind of sorry yawns beside you you feel compulsion to yawn sorry you're never imagine them having an orgasm flying her but you think of the cold another sneeze I do faces all over there medical science is extraordinary is good wouldn't you think how advanced it is it's they can transplant things so they didn't give you new kidneys and livers bladder heart the implants they can do now hips arteries carbs and coconut let's go to the point now there are certain men in the world who have sexual urge but they don't have sexual arousal they cannot get an erection so medical science has come to their assistance and they have what they call penis implants they have objects but they placing the penis you're getting excited again actually see it's like it's like one of those it's flexibles plastic it's like one of those bones that used to be in your mother's corset remember see yes you do they they place it in and there it is so you have an erection all the time it's all it's up it's just there I mean you can if you want it down you just go eat you to push it down if you want to go it's a bit like she loves me she loves me not you know I can't believe that you don't have an implant you get a hypodermic syringe and you inject a fluid into your scrotum it rains about sexual arousal hypodermic sorry sexual arousal don't go together lying in bed I love you Donna don't [ __ ] your dog babe the most simple one I second is what they call an inflatable once an inflatable tube we see they place it into your penis and it has a little on the base of your penis come when you want an erection you put a hand pump on it doesn't the hand pump then your dick it's like taking blood pressure isn't can you imagine making love and getting a blow out where's it gone

Channel: 84RobThe

Views: 615,942

Rating: 4.790627 out of 5

Keywords: Dave, Allen, Comedy, Statistics, Teenagers

Id: YaniDDM07H8

Length: 10min 38sec (638 seconds)

Published: Wed May 09 2012