Convincing you to watch Brooklyn 99 in less than 20 minutes | Brooklyn Nine-Nine

I am so sick of this city I go into a coffee shop and as soon as everybody sees that I'm a cop they stop talking and they avoid eye contact with me one lady even walked out I am just so tired of being treated like the enemy hey Hitchcock your penis is hanging out oh that's a Rel so you were just borrowing those cars ask about his bank account ask about his bank account ask him about his account you should ask him about his bank account Captain Santiago broke the class 81 years old I think it's the oldest collar of my entire career I once arrested a 96-year-old for flashing I was terrified he die in my back seat or Flash me my oldest collar was 78 but the PCP made her fight like she was 20 what about 2 50-year-old twins does that count as a 100-year-old no good no you talking oldest bags 68 that's not that old yeah but I was only 20 20 were you even a cop then no man it was before I got into the academy Charles isn't talking about his oldest arrest no yes I yes I am yeah oldest arrest 68 like I said God you had sex with a 68-year-old when you were in your 20s you know how it is when you have a chance to bet an older woman you no that is not an older woman that's an old woman that's someone's grandma she was actually that's how I met her college with her grandson Marvin don't don't knock get to a trick she had a replacement hit with some serious torque it's like having sex with a Transformer all right all right I'm searching it whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa P what you doing putting your fingers in my Fancy Feast what I'm supposed to escape using a lobster squeeze the lemon in my eyes so I can't see stab me in the jugular with a claw and then shove the tail down my throat so I can't scream for help I got to keep my eye on you Judy you're a slippery guy fair enough that I am but for right now I'm all about helping you so why don't you just chill and eat some sexy ass Lobster we need two Undercovers at the deal street warehouse party uh boil you're already in costume as uh Joy bear on Mario ol okay and uh Santiago you go with him yes sir damn it Santiago I know that you hate Halloween but stick with me and I promise you you will love it can you magically make everyone kind sober and fully dressed kind sober and fully dressed good news everyone we found the name of Santiago sex tape it was Jake Peralta what that's crazy the box was on my desk I'm the victim wrong scully's a victim you know you think glitter's going to taste like sprinkles but it doesn't it tastes like blood that is blood the glitter sh your tongue oh why would I blow up my own desk for the task force I just heard you say you wanted to prove to H that you're a great detective that's why you set this whole thing up it was a perfect plan and you would have gotten away with it if not for me wow you're a lunatic did a lunatic know that your body temperature just Rose 9/10 of a degree indicating guilt yes oh look what do we have here a receipt from Party Zone for one air tank rental paid in cash that's not mine I never keep my receipts Amy tell them tell them how much our accountant hates me she hates him so much my bag was sitting next to my desk anyone could have put that in there that kind of evidence would never hold up a trial you'd be laughed at at court I've only been laughed at in court once and that was because I made a terrific joke I was there it was hilarious come on it's Captain Hol hello Captain and you're both dead you didn't ask for the password what if I were an assassin wearing a hyper realistic latex mask or perhaps you employed face off technology what I broke down and watched one of Peralta's action films I'm I watch them all including one wearing a man's head turns into a flaming skull Ghost Rider and Ghost Rider too both Master pie yes I need your help REM so how did you two finally get together after all these years oh uh you know I'd just been crazy about her forever and then one day I picked up my battered old guitar and I sang her a song how did it go oh you don't want to hear it yes I do well I don't have my guitar here sing this song Ros Ros Ros R Ros r r r DS DS DS DS DS DS DS DS Diaz Rosa Diaz Diaz Rosa Ros Diaz Diaz you are so cool sounds better with a guitar I'm about to give Captain Holt his gift oh did he lift his no gift policy no he didn't but I figured out a way to buy him something and trick him into accepting it you were bad I know right oh wait you're making fun of me MH well I don't care he would never open a gift right but what if his gift didn't look like a gift he would open it exactly I left it in a cardboard box on his desk there's no card just the words open now which I wrote with my wrong hand so we wouldn't recognize my handwriting Captain Santiago Coro sir so just to recap you left an unmarked package on a police Captain's desk on a random Monday with a suspicious message written on it that looked like it was scrawled by a crazy person mhm bomb there's a bomb everyone out let's go let's go this is not a drill let's go great gift babe the can Terrier is intelligent and inquisitive with the bold personality a bold personality we know what that's Cod for she's a look I know you're upset because Pento seems a little ampa we were going 90 with the headlights off but please just give him a chance to explain before getting all angry and yelling hey man hey man what the hell were you doing great Sarge can I just talk to you outside for one moment BRB BRB BRB Sarge he's a good cop if you ask him in a supportive non-confrontational manner he'll give you a calm logical answer bye why do you want to know who are you working for I will cut you little man cool hey uh Adrian can you for one sec wait so you heroically fought off three guys and that put you in a bad mood if I did that I would literally write a song about myself it would be like Jake the hero abs of steel sh la la I'm initiating operation Trident cool just like the sugarless gum because we're going to chew them up no like the fame weapon of the sea forged by the Cyclops for Poseidon himself the Trident has three prongs like my Approach yeah not to interrupt but Aquaman's Trident has five prongs that's absurd the prefix tribe means three what his aquatic man carries is better termed a pentant no it's a trident they call it that in the original theatrical release saying the SN cut so you're 100% wrong and everyone's laughing at you well regardless operation Trident has three prongs prong one Bo and Peralta oh nice the most important prong wrong prong two the center prong is the most important prong on a trident it's the longest and straightest and uh breaks the least often are you just mad because I questioned you about the Aquaman thing yes this is Helen who's Helen oh that's my husband Solomon I'm I'm not really your husband you're so much shorter than you used to be what did the Japanese do to you different generation okay this is Ethel musterer from the prospect height Senior Center there was an ID card in her back pocket why was your hand in her back pocket well she told me she didn't have any ID and unlike Bo my first instinct was not to caress her butt frisked I frisked her butt man these stupid cops won't leave me alone what the hell they think I'm a snitch not me mallister I need to talk to you excuse me I don't want any more notes I've gone undercover before let's just back off and let me do this uh-oh Alonso seems as though we got a pig in our midst looks like we can only trust each other come on man you obviously a cop too you keep talking about how nefarious you are hold up I got a right to know who I might be in business with I need an answer on the dog thing is is it weird can somebody cough whose cough was that was that you Jake if it was you cough twice if it was somebody else cough three times sorry bad allergy day pollen count is off the charts po count oh man how do you come up with that stuff so what you tell that's why you guys are in there we don't sell on the street we have loyal buyers that come to us on the and we need quality product check DJ CJ on the mic I got a guy that can get you the best dop inity apparently there's such a thing is too much Smashmouth I'm sorry we want to deal strangers got two kids beautiful house how do we know what have you done with your life shut up shut up shut up CJ whoa whoa whoa what are you cops yes obviously we cops put your hands up okay this is very scary but it's okay because you're a trained pilot no I'm not I'm selftaught what oh yeah you can learn anything online oh you should see me do origami oh do you know how to do a frog oh no can you do a swan no can you do a crane what's a crane okay he does not know how to fly a plane hello deputy chief W you've aged oh my God Rosa come here look at the blood spatter do you see what I see uh blood in the exact shape of Dwayne The Rock Johnson peek peek delt delt big Samo and tattoo Rosa I think I just made a connection the number three is everywhere three people three types of blood and guess what the tax was on the veggie wraps $3 and 19 cents but if you ignore the 19 then it's three okay you've lost your mind what who told you that was it room no it's the fact that you think the room has a voice and also you're working in your boxers what to beat the heat Rosa to beat the heat much like Copus condemned to push the same boulder up the same Hill day in and day out you know according to French philosopher Alber Camu Copus achieved happiness in that absurd repetition any French philosophy post Russo is essentially a magazine be Ru do you want to know how I actually hurt my wrist yes I was hula hooping Kevin and I attend a class for fitness and for fun oh my god I've mastered all the moves the pizza toss the tornado the Scorpion the oopsy doodle what why are you telling me this because no one will ever believe you no no you sick son of a I can't believe you kept working the case even after I gave up that was a nice thing to do Charles I didn't do it to be nice I did it to be amazing and I think you're a great detective and I trusted your guy go get your girlfriend out of prison a thanks man next time you see me I'm going to be all out of orgasm no you can't say that while you're hugging someone I put a GPS tracker on the BT it's on the move and it's going fast let's take my bike they'll never catch us later dorks should we follow them he Captain why are you giggling I put a GPS tracker inside of Terry Serge Kevin purchased one too many full fat French yogurts you want it absolutely enjoy Jeffords enjoy devious I know but I also put a tracker and Terry's yogurt same here no reason just cuz you're a great Sergeant Now suck it down yeah no problem take it swallow the Girt do you guys think all that radiation is bad for him I'm sure he'll be fine he's lived a long life already yeah I know what you're thinking where' them guts go uh yeah this guy needs a dentist because he's got a big old cavity I love that I'm stealing it you cannot steal what is a gift thank you okay so whoever did this they weren't careful with the organs they just sort of grabbed whatever and yanked title of your sex tape oh that's just something we say back at the 99 interesting cuz around here sex tape is what we call the adhesive you use to reattach a severed penis oh I have to pick some of that up why anyway now that you've accepted our meat pile perhaps she'll help us to restore our internet sure I can definitely help with that how many kbps are you looking for many yeah that's not an answer I need an exact number 100 tooo few too many four okay bro I'll give you four kilobytes of internet where am I what is that table calm down you're at the 99 and you know what a tables I don't remember coming here how did I get here oh my God pimento has momento disease your memories resetting like the guy from the movie momento what you guys never saw momento it's the guy with no short-term memory you know Christopher Nolan's first movie is it like Dory from Finding Dory she keeps forgetting where she's swimming no no it's like Dory yeah yeah yeah I'm like the forgetful little fish well I mean yeah it's like that but it's also like just keep swimming that's what Dory classic Dory Jake you guys really ruined the coolness of this momento thing also Jake following as Christopher Nolan's first movie you sound like a great out here how do you like my new office 20th floor yes I never thought I'd see you this high without a broom under you so you think he killed her and dumped her body in the park sounds like coup's counseling's going really great for them sorry my partner doesn't believe in therapy oh that's fine it's hard for some people that title your sex tape boil come in here and stand in front of my body and tell him that's crazy ow my lucky face you going to talk to me now uh sure uh if you could be any vacation you didn't let me finish if you could be any vacation what would you be I'd be skiing oh no I'm going to hit you for real that wasn't for real oh my God no I'm so tired I can't keep my eyes open here I need you to slap me I'm not going to do that bral I thought perhaps the element of surprise would help it did Diaz you did it they found them guilty on all charges huh Well's advice worked so where is your happy place I'm in a cabin in the middle of nowhere inside it's just me and that stupid slimy defense attorney and I'm beating the hell out of him I break a dining room table over his head then I rip off his arm and shove it where the sun don't shine then I reach down his throat and shake his hand yeah okay I'm going to go ahead and schedule you for a psych V blast a cold air coming out of that box name of Amy sex tape hey man come on not cool I'm going through something just let me have this one it's behind one of these three doors why don't you pick one are you trying to Monty haul me it's unbelievable I don't need Monty Hall ruining my place of work when Monty Hall has already ruined my home life come on Sir the math thing isn't the problem night shift's keeping you and Kevin apart you two just need a bone what did you say don't say it again I said you two need a bone how dare you detective Diaz I am your Superior officer bone what happens in my bedroom detective is none of your business bone don't ever speak to me like that again why did you do that dude is p up now he knows problem solved all right these people really know bill so you're going to have to become him I can't believe I'm about to say this but Bill tell us all about yourself let's start with my whole family history I was abandoned at a playground as an infant and here I am oh that was the whole thing well sad but easier than remembering a bunch of names okay the only thing you won last Heist was a lifetime of mediocre heterosexual intercourse with Jake how dare you no one thinks you won last year wow really thought the how dare you was going to be linked to his mean sex comment but okay right sorry I'll have you know Jake and I wear each other out every single night good Lord overcompensated you know what maybe we just shouldn't talk about this at work Mr Bean what a stud hey Rosa what would you do if you could do anything to Mr Bean nothing come on Rosa don't be shy say what you would do to International sex symbol Mr Bean's body fine I would take a very large glass let himself out I see well um I just have one quick note Mr Bean never beg for mercy ah great note Debby the point is we all think Mr Bean is sexy as hell and wish we looked exactly like him you're closer than you think everyone got a blood test and they all had Mono that seems really improbable yeah nobody gets mono at this age you get it as an 8-year-old and then you're immune wait you get it as an 8-year-old mono the kissing disease no it's a cousin's disease you get it by kissing your cousins oh I guess we're both right no hello Raymond you're looking old and sickly so nice of you to greet us mine I thought surely you'd still be crushed under that house in Munchkin land Sticks and Stones Raymond describing your breakfast ladies and gentlemen we are gathered here today to answer an age-old question right what AM deal is she single no we're dating come on the question is who here does the best impression of Captain Raymond Holt you will be judged on voice body language and overall lack of flare everyone will perform the same scenario Captain halt eating a marshmallow for the very first time let the HT off begin what is this glutenous monstrosity before me the sugar in this is quite sweet that's your halt impression I could hear him doing that looks like a sticky pillow I don't care for it classical music what's going on here what are you doing Captain hey nothing just eating some marshmallows care for one marshmallow I knew it oh hey Bo do you have the Sixth Street Case Files wait what's that uh this it's my water bottle it looks like a water bottle from a guinea pig cage a true true I got it for the guinea pigs but they're not here anymore so I decided to be green and use it for myself ah thirst quenched what took you so long Terry almost caught me I had a drink from the guinea pig's water bottle amazingly he totally bought you to do that mhm yeah I'm not surprised at all how do we handle this I mean there's only one thing to do when two people have diametrically opposing views on a subject talk about it lovingly and decide how to move forward structured debate oh fine High School format modified Lincoln Douglas let's take one hour apart for research and prep [Music] yeah that's all you prepped yeah I just searched my heart and then wrote down how I was feeling I'm going to eat you alive you dumb son of a cool and then we'll have kids together yeah it's going to be great hey takey the place on the corner is serving lemon and you get to keep the jar it's pretty cool yes that's very cool Skull mhm will you excuse me just one moment oh sure guys guys guys Scully has a mason jar full of lemonade you call us in here to tell us that no I called you in here to change your lives for you see a mere 5 minutes ago Hitchcock introduced me to his new goldfish who lives in an identical mason jar oh this isn't going to end well there are two possible outcomes and we're going to bet on which one happens first so will Hitchcock put fish food in scully's lemonade or will Scully drink Hitchcock's goldfish now you would think that putting fish food into lemonade Hitchcock just drank his own fish what no [Music]

Channel: Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Views: 356,530

Keywords: Brooklyn Nine-Nine, brooklyn 99, b99, Stephanie Beatriz, Rosa Diaz, Jake Peralta, Andy Samberg, Detective Charles Boyle, Melissa Fumero, Detective Amy Santiago, Detective Jake Peralta, Terry Jeffords, Amy Santiago, Chelsea Peretti, Andre Braugher, Gina Linetti, Terry Crews, Joe Lo Truglio, brooklyn 99 i want it that way, brooklyn 99 bloopers, brooklyn 99 backstreet boys, brooklyn 99 funny moments, brooklyn 99 captain holt, brooklyn 99 cold open, brooklyn 99 full episode

Id: tMGKl7kQxaU

Length: 19min 55sec (1195 seconds)

Published: Sun Jun 09 2024