Brooklyn 99 moments that feel like cold opens but are not | Brooklyn Nine-Nine

hello me Lady it's your M little Charlie boil in it love GH it's 2: a.m. and we're working how can you be so happy because I figured out the secret of surviving the night shift you see this little piggy went to the warehouse this little piggy went with him this little piggy is like stop just stop and say whatever you are saying another way I found a 24-hour foot massage parlor and it's amazing it's the best experience you've ever had you're just like m M wouldn't stop making that noise man let me take you let me show you the greatest and only pleasure of the night shift pass I'd rather die than have a stranger touch my bare feet I'm telling you once they get their strong fingers in your toe gaps it's [Music] just that's on me should have had my eyes closed I hate to say it but we still need to make one more stop there's still some files at my old place hey Kaa Gina's apartment fine I'll call her wow there's so many fancy buttons on your steering wheel it's like a spy car that's cool here let me call her yeah car call Gina lanetti what is that voice it's my spy voice car initiate ghost mode that's a seat warmer oh that's even better than Rockets my butt gets very cold it's Gina's phone leave me a voicemail I won't check it cuz it's not 1993 we should go there anyways her phone's probably off cuz of dance rehearsal this iib guy is ruining my life but I do have some good news in three two pocket donut no it's everywhere back up listen up there's been an issue with the motor Cade the Serbian president is delayed in Washington and we can't start locking down intersections until he takes off apparently he's on an important call with the Albanian president is that buard nishani or is it still bum or taupy oh am let me check m it just says no one likes you there's a 3-hour delay minimum Captain hold and I will have to leave for a meeting at One Police Plaza you should all stay prepped and ready [Music] dismissed guys guys guys guys 3-hour delay with no halt or Terry do you have any idea what this means makeovers no Charles the Jimmy jab game yeah the first Jimmy Jabs were held in 200 2008 when the king of Iraq president Iran Armen jimmmy jab armad jab came to New York and we were on call for nine glorious hours in case there were protests on that day a young genius named Jake Peralta used the last piece of his Bagel to create the first Jimmy jab event The monstermouth Bagel [Music] toss and the rest was history as soon as hold and Terry leave we will commence with Jimmy jab 7 circus of fools Jimmy jffs Jimmy jaff Jimmy jaff Jimmy [Music] NYPD we know you're here [Music] mince hey Gregor Minsk you're under arrest no I can't let Jenny see me like this I ripped my cumber bun it's okay I have an extra one you can borrow it from my high school jazz band uniform I'm only going to tell you this because you were a great partner today I played French horn I still do it's beautiful you even got back to bumper pool table no one ever uses wait a minute you Liars what's that nice couch doing here the old couch didn't make it the second the sunlight hit it to turn to dust sorry guys we're stuck with a nice clean expensive sofa but I guess we'll just have to make do oh we'll make do we'll make do all over it well I just mean we'll fix it hell's yeah we [Music] will should we wake them nah let them sleep they earned it okay welcome to trivia night you said you would never bring him again don't worry it's going to be fine I promise is it tonight's first category by special request the Transformers movies yes question one what is the name of the evil race of Transformers the robot Bad Robot no God I don't know Dam it I'm sorry I can't take the trivia press why could you have just given me the 3 minutes and completion so how do you feel really good no nicotine Cravings at all the magic of endorphins I'm in a state of total Euphoria clearly listen I got to jump in there hello Kevin no I haven't seen it I'm very much doubt that why would the housekeeper steal your belt what husband she's a widow I uh-oh I have to go Santiago are you smoking in there no why I see smoke that's steam I'm in the shower well well well what do we have here oh major isn't here yet I wasted all that coolness on a bunch of nobody's I'm just going to reset Jake he's a highly decorated detective he's not going to be impressed by your sunglass choreography he's going to be too distracted by my notebook flip hey detective shut up shut up he's here hey you must be the 99 I'm major hey Peralta this is Santiago well well well what do we have here you mean here in my notebook I looked into the baby mask of perss were wearing and no stores in the trate area Sal them reminds me of a murder I worked a few years back per always wore these weird masks we couldn't figure out where he bought them turns out he was making his own masks from human skin no that is so awesome really Amy for whom sounds to me like those face masks were once somebody's face faces that's true Peralta I think about that every day you and me both okay I'm going to look around take a few statements GC GC good call good call yeah tight tight tight tight tight well looks like round one goes to Peralta and don't worry I'm just getting warmed up I still have eight sunglass moves locked and loaded make that nine holy Moses he's alive so I want to explain what happened back there I did not have a heart attack the doctors have informed me that I have a genetic heart condition my aortic valve is 16% to narrow which um lowers my life expectancy from 103 to 64 so sorry sir that's terrible yes it's depressing they also informed me that I carry the gene for web feet which just interesting more than anything else but um when you stare death in the face as I I have it really puts things into perspective namely that I've been wasting too much of my time farting around so that stops now say goodbye to the fun hilarious laidback Seth dozerman that you used to love boys hand them out the hell are these what the hell are these These are Dozer pads each one is equipped with a GPS system and a countdown clock to remind you to complete a task every 55 minutes it also has bat gamon on it which I could not delete but you are not allowed to play What happens when the clock Runs Out failure failure you are behind schedule oh that's fun yeah your 55 minutes starts right nowo here all right thanks so much for that text man that meant a lot the one that said want to grab a drink tonight yeah hey boil did you get that insurance pay out yes I am out of the food truck business and I no longer start spontaneously weeping nice listen I'm sorry you got fired ah don't worry about it I got myself fired right plus doesn't matter I got a way better job now I'm working at one of those fancy hand lotion stores spoiler alert I have a gun again and I've gotten to use it three times you would be surprised how often teenage girls try and shoplift mango hand cream but it smells great I love it I can get you some well listen man I've got something for you really for me it's an invitation to my wedding a jake I am so honored and would love to beat oh nope I can't make this this is the same night as Lady Gaga oh thank God I didn't run it by Amy so this worked out great for both of us but honestly nobody's going to come to this because everybody's going to be a Gaga what's going on well Gina said we couldn't be seen together and I need your help looks like we've both got a pretty bad case of jerk boss yes yours is an idiot and mine is a fork tongue lizard witch the o long Slayer he's back I knew you'd confirm my hunch he's back to his cool ass psycho ways great news right aside from a serial killer being on the loose what's your plan I'm going to work the case in secret wrong we're going to work the case in secret holy crap no one can know about this understood understood understood what I hang out in the men's room all the time the Acoustics are amazing and snip mazl Captain I bet you used to smoke cigars on the job all the time right no but I had a partner did hey went burnning all day long Dan Hammer that name is so cool it doesn't need a nickname a but he had one Snake Eyes oh Snake Eyes is a great one he was the toughest son of a [ __ ] I ever met when he died he stuck out his middle finger so he'd be flipping everyone off at his funeral that rules yeah who killed him don't say a white tiger on cocaine cuz I will lose it no cancer of the mouth tongue lip and cheek well still the middle finger thing is cool actually no one got to see that it was closed casket because the doctors had removed so much of his face all right that's that excuse me sir we're with the NYPD I just need to ask you a couple oh shrimp I hate that you're under arrest Punk nobody gets away from Jake proba something he touched me oh gross gross gross hang on what's that what have we here what diamont I have no idea what you're saying diuta diamont just as I suspected immediately it's a Flawless 39 karat diamond that was stolen 6 weeks ago from the Royal stocko Museum I've just received word from inter poll that two detectives are on their way from Sweden to pick up the suspect please make them feel welcome welcome we're going to roll out the fraking red carpet working a jewel heist with interpole this is the best thing that's ever happened to me second best a first best I was lying to Amy this is my nephew Marcus he's new in town he's staying with me until he finds a place he is 31 you're a terrible hype man and you must be Gina I heard a lot about everyone uh take it your Amy Rosa Terry I'm Jake we're both Jake Scully and Hitchcock hey well just came to get the keys from my Uncle Ray let everybody get back to work nice meet by bye holy Moses bye what for you that's basically walking up to him and jamming your tongue down his throat shut up yes China that's enough you're right sorry too far but let me just add one little thing off topic Rosa wants to bone your nephew oh hey can I borrow that Genevie is's out of town I need two phone so I can send her a fronty and a backie I don't want your ass in my cloud Adrien are you living in the break room no why do you ask uh because you're shaving your shoulder in our communal eating space you have a bed set up on the couch stuff like that fine busted my landlord kicked me out because my stupid neighbor couldn't handle a few tiny night screams I was dreaming that someone was trying to scout me with a sharpened grapefruit spoon aren't brains fascinating I mean where does it come up with this stuff when I was undercover someone did try and scal me with a sharpen grapefruit spoon sure that would do it aren't you dating Rosa can't you just stay with her oh yeah no we're doing this really hot thing where we haven't told each other where we live makes our sex play really erotic barf I totally get that well you let me know if there's anything I can do oh yes I will stay at your home thank you he what Hana you just said you wanted to help oh unless you weren't being serious which I would get I've been betrayed before for instance by the grapefruit spoon guy no no no no definitely you could stay with me oh you're the best Chuck thank you but for real get yourself some good earplugs because I really Don played how horrible those night screams are all right I'll see you later rby thank you I just got a hold of ESU the lab tech is on route from his home in New Jersey Sergeant is there any way you can place this large ball with a chair that is actually a chair I'm sorry sir that's all I've got but it's good for your core yes my core it's engaged I wouldn't take fitness tips from this shrimp sir you remember my brother-in-law Zeke yes hello hey what happened to the game I was DVR in I was recording it for later well the captain wanted to have the news on so I stopped the recording well the game was a blowout anyway I mean everyone died sports are cancel you better hope that's true good he's gone now let's get serious and focus up just trying to get to the printer ladies and gentlemen six spanks robbed in 3 weeks $250,000 stolen citizens trembling in fear well no more boy you got your bank Robert went home last night no overtime just me and some Bri and I cracked it so here he is the thug that's been terrorizing the city say hello Marvin hello oh my God he's so old he's not that old his nurse isn't even full-time he couldn't pull off a bank job he couldn't pull off the cap on his medicine I can hear you Sor hey this guy is a ruthless criminal I'm sorry sir is this going to take long cuz I was hoping to buy some slacks this afternoon I like Cor you like corduroy I love corduroy he likes corduroy you sure you have the right guy wasn't the robber strong and fast and able to eat solid foods nobody saw him eat the guy wore a rubber mask and his voice was disguised my system is a little unsettled could I trouble you for ginger ale oh of course sir we'll get that in a comfy chair for you to sit in yeah I robed those Banks I don't even need the money but I like like to see the tellers squirm I get off on violence oh my god there you go oh thank you so much you're such a doll I must pay you no no no I insist I insist righty you remind me of my granddaughter oh you are so sweet I haven't got a granddaughter Hello Larry it's your neighbor Greg can I try your hot tub out I'm thinking of getting one of course that's a totally normal thing to do in 100° weather come on in and hop in the tub thank you we need to talk without being overheard turn on the bubbles you got it Jimmy The Butcher figas saw our video how do you know a man with a thick New Jersey accent called The Fun Zone asking to meet the guys from the corn dog video fig is coming to kill us should call the 99 for backup oh absolutely not that might alert the marshals we can take figas and his men down on our own right okay let's go arm up figas has no idea what's about to hit him also it probably goes without saying but it's chill The Whiz in this thing I mean I have been you can if you want I haven't been if you haven't have you I haven't have you he [Music]

Channel: Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Views: 384,533

Keywords: Brooklyn Nine-Nine, brooklyn 99, b99, Stephanie Beatriz, Rosa Diaz, Jake Peralta, Andy Samberg, Detective Charles Boyle, Melissa Fumero, Detective Amy Santiago, Detective Jake Peralta, Terry Jeffords, Amy Santiago, Chelsea Peretti, Andre Braugher, Gina Linetti, Terry Crews, Joe Lo Truglio, brooklyn 99 i want it that way, brooklyn 99 bloopers, brooklyn 99 backstreet boys, brooklyn 99 funny moments, brooklyn 99 captain holt, brooklyn 99 cold open, brooklyn 99 full episode

Id: W1UXufMXlGc

Length: 17min 42sec (1062 seconds)

Published: Tue May 21 2024