Communication Skills Course: How to Read Body Language and More--FREE COMMUNICATION COURSE

hey everybody I am expert communication trainer dan oconnor and I've got some great stuff for you this week this week we are going to be talking about four different communication topics we're going to be discussing body language tactics we're going to of course be doing some danger phrases and power phrases we are going to be talking about some difficult people techniques dealing with difficult people techniques and of course our principal of the week so we got a lot of great stuff to cover let's get going I'm going to start out with our body language section and the first body language tactic I'd like to talk about is called the tap and tilt the tap entailed the tap until make feel more comfortable the tap and tilt the tappan tilt is something that you might have used with your children you know how if for example a child comes in and they had fallen off the swing in the backyard or they fall out on there as they fall off their bike or something happens that a child comes in and they're crying instinctively human beings tend to lean over to children and say sweetheart what's wrong and we'll give them a little tap on the elbow or a tap on the shoulder and we'll tilt their heads to the side that's because instinctively we know that doing that tilting our heads to the side and tapping somebody on the arm sends a very passive message that says don't be afraid of me right now everything's going to be okay and we can use that when we're dealing with for example the cry baby I drew all these lessons we'll be talking about many different difficult people and they all have names there's the cry baby the sniper the exploder the steamroller the timebomb mega holic the nega dicted the gossip the constant critic there's a lot of them and sometimes people you know the people who when you talk to them no matter how delicately you try to deliver the message they cry or they get upset or they take it the wrong way or they feel bad or maybe you're the type of person who has been labeled aggressive maybe people tell you that sometimes you're a little intimidating if that's you and you think gosh I don't know why people think I'm so intimidating try use the tap and tilt more in your communication generally people who are perceived as being more aggressive by nature tend not to exhibit passive signals such as tilting their heads to the side they tend not to do things such as touching people that's called haptics haptics is when you touch people when you're communicating how communication and touch goes together is really the study of haptics and when you combine a visual signals such as tilting your head to the side which sends a very strong signal remember that over half the message we send when we're communicating in person is visual children your head to the side sends a huge message that your passive don't be afraid of me right now everything's going to be okay and then using haptics as well and touching somebody you know there are still three safe zones where you can touch most people and you're probably not going to lose a lawsuit those three safe zones are the top of the shoulder the back of the arm and the bottom of the elbow they're all kind of right there in that area of course you can't you can't do this you can't go wrong caressing people that work unfortunately but those three safe zones you can still give somebody a tap tap tap and with the head tilt the tap and tilt looks like this thanks for stopping in I'm glad we have this talk I know I could count on you so if you have to deliver a difficult message or maybe you're not necessarily delivering a difficult message but you can sense that the person with whom you're communicating is uptight is not at ease and you want to make that person more at ease deliver a simple tap and chill remember that visual message and that haptic signal that you're sending by doing that speaks louder than any words that could possibly come out of your mouth so sometime this week before our next lesson I'd like you to take the opportunity to use the tap and tilt find somebody who looks like they might need a little bit of encouragement find somebody who seems like maybe they're on the edge and are about to burst into tears at any moment give them that tap until and watch how you will instantly tranquilize that person and they will feel better simply because you took the time to more consciously communicate and send that message that's the tap until the tap in the tap into it make them feel more comfortable the tap until now I'd like to talk about something that's more of a visual communication strategy it's not so much body language however it does incorporate body language as well sometimes when we want to encourage cooperation when we want to encourage collaboration maybe it's at work or maybe it's at home we want to start by removing barriers we move the barriers it's good for communication so let's talk a little bit about barrier removal most of us you're watching this we know that crossing our arms like this sends a signal that we are closed too close that the lines of communication between us and the person with remember communicating but we tend to do that by by nature because it's comfortable a lot of us our arms just tend to wander up there when we are not consciously communicating which is why we are going through these lessons now when you want to turn it on so to speak and more consciously communicate make sure to remove any physical barriers that stand between you and the person with whom you are communicating especially if you want to encourage collaboration cooperation now sometimes you don't want to you know for example let's say that for some strategic reason I want the person with whom I'm communicating to recognize a difference in position between me and that person you know I want them to recognize we are not on the same level in that case we put things like desks in front of us in the other person we might put furniture we might put our computer we put different territorial markers for example we'll put our notebooks or copy cups we'll put things between us and other people when we want to create a separation and sometimes we do when you want to take away at separation be conscious of not only removing your arms from in front of you but if it's within a team remove things such as computers and laptops between people remove things such as coffee cups furniture get rid of as much as you possibly can so that literally the air is clear between the people that are communicating and watch how that facilitates cooperation and collaboration because again over half the message when we communicate is visual and visually we do not see obstacles between us and the people with whom we're communicating that sinks into our brain and sends a signal that there are no obstacles and facilitates communication collaboration and cooperation so the next time this week when you want to open up the lines of communication or encourage cooperation or collaboration whether it's with you and one other person or in a group before you start the process look around and remove any physical barriers that can visually obstruct the lines of communication between people that is what we call barrier removal remove the barriers it's good for communication okay now I'm going to give you some great danger phrases first for home and then for work and of course I will give you the power phrases that you will be using to replace the danger phrases you'll be eliminating from your verbal repertoire stop using danger phrases we're gonna give you the first danger phrases I'd like to give you are to eliminate from your verbal repertoire at home and those danger phrases are you make me or that makes me those phrases you make me that makes me are not only incorrect I mean nothing really makes us anything but those phrases are very disempowering let's say that your spouse is lying on the couch instead of helping you with the housework as he or she promised they were going to do and you walk up and you say you know that really makes me mad when you tell me you're going to do something and then you don't that phrase you make me first of all those fighting words that's going to trigger some crazy person who's listening to defend themselves and say oh yeah I don't make you anything that's kind of what happens so first of all the phrase you make me triggers defensiveness in the other person and you are looking for a fight secondly it's not correct that person doesn't make you anything what we mean to say when we tend to say the phrase you make me that makes me it makes me is the simple phrase repeat this after me when you I feel so repeat that after me when you I see it send it again when you I feel one more time and this is a thousand dollar phrase I'm saving you thousands of dollars in relationship therapy right now if you simply learn to say this phrase you can skip like five family therapy lessons one more time when you I feel so for example let's look at the message that sometimes we send to our family or friends or a loved ones when we say things like you know you really make me angry when you do that and instead replace that with you know when you don't do what you're say you're going to do I feel let down because I try to do what I say I'm going to do for you or when you lie on the couch and watch me do the housework rather than help me do the housework I feel disappointed because I love you and try to help you with whatever you need those types of messages when you I feel actually get through to the person who's listening because they're not confrontational they're not aggressive they're not accusatory they're simply revealing hey when this takes place here's how I feel about it and that's the way to deliver a message that gets to people rather than saying you make me or that makes me or it makes me so danger praise it makes me or you make me power phrase when you I feel so this week watch because we talked about this it's going to come up you're going to want to say to somebody you know you make me that makes me it makes me and you're going to stop because you've already written this now on your danger phrase list in your power phrase list you should be keeping a danger phrase list in a power phrase list and you will instead of saying that danger phrase which doesn't really get you anywhere you're going to switch into the response mode and use the power phrase instead now let's get on to our second danger phrase that we want to eliminate from our verbal repertoire at home and that danger phrase is if you really for example really loved if you really care about me if you really wanted to help this family if you really were concerned about getting a job the phrase if you really again is confrontational and it's fight words we tend to say to the people we love things such as if you really loved me you would XYZ if you really cared about X Y Z you would blob a lot if we want to get results if we want people to hear and understand how we're feeling instead of saying if you really the next time replace that with the power phrase that begins with I realize you so what I mean is instead of saying if you really loved me you would do what you say you're going to say I realize you love me and I wish you would do what you say you're going to do so we want to replace thee if you really and replace it with I realize you for example if you really cared about getting a job you get up before noon instead of saying that try the power phrase I realize getting a job is important to you and if there's anything I can do to help let me know simple so I'd like you to repeat that out loud after me I realize you say that I realize you say it again I realize you one more time I realize you the next time you're about to say if you really replace it with I realize you for example you can even use it at work if you really cared about your job you get here on time if we replace that with I realize your job is important to you and if there's anything I can do to help get you here on time let me know that sends a completely different message right so remember we should be keeping a danger phrase and a power phrase list not just for home but also for work and add to your danger phrase lists for personal use add to your danger phrase list for work you should be carrying these lists around in your pocket have them posted around and when you hear somebody say something and you think why would you say that it gets the opposite result from what I believe you want write that down in your danger phrase list if you're having a conversation with somebody and you say something and later on you they go that was the wrong thing to say why did I say that did not work for me write that on your danger phrase list because simply thinking oh that phrase isn't effective I'm going to replace it with something more effective isn't near as powerful as writing it on a list and repeating it out loud as we have done here because instead of just let's say reading it in a book or hearing it in an audio podcast you are reading it writing it hearing it and speaking it and when you read it write it here at speak it those four things together rather than just one of them alone the information sinks into your brain like that so now I'd like to get into our work danger phrases and power phrases and our danger phrases for the week are I need and you should for the fool so I'd like to start off with I need at work many of us tend to say things to others such as hey I need that report by the end of the day or I need you to pay attention during our meetings and when we use the phrase I need at the beginning of a sentence at work it is totally inappropriate it disempowers our message and it makes us appear needy so instead of using the phrase I need at the beginning of your sentence when you are about to use that phrase when that's about to come out of your mouth instead replace it with the actual subject that you're talking about you know if I'm saying to you something such as I need that report by the end of the day the real subject of that sentence what I'm talking about the thing that's important in that sentence is the report right and we have to remember that the beginning of our sentence is where the subject lives and the power in our sentences tends to live at the beginning in the subject so when we misuse the beginning of our sentences when we miss place words in there such as I need we make that the most important part of the sentence we're telling to people to whom we're speaking that the most important thing to me is my needs and getting them met so if I were to say to you I need that report by the end of the day what am I making most important where's the power in that sentence what's in the power position I need look for the real subject which is the report and put that at the beginning of the sentence and watch how the message changes for example that report is due in my desk by the end of the day that report is due by the end of the day or instead of saying something such as I need you to pay attention during our meetings what is the most important thing there your attention so I might say to you instead your complete attention would be greatly appreciated during our meeting so that they could be more successful or I need you to really commit to this project maybe the most important part of that sentence is the success of this project and so I might say to you the success of this project depends completely on your commitment see what I mean so figure out what is truly the most important part of the message you're sending and put that at the beginning of the sentence that's where the power lives and that's what the person will remember is the most important part of the message you are sending the other danger phrase now we have for work is you should eliminate that phrase you know you should there's a lot of people who talk about the phrase you should and how it takes away from our messages and how we shouldn't be saying it but it's pretty simple at work it's simply not professional vocabulary so let's take the phrase you should and replace it with I suggest for example you should change that color scheme to primary colors replace that with I suggest you change the color scheme to primary colors big difference right instead of I think we should change our uniforms to something more modern watch how the message changes when I simply say I suggest we change our uniforms to something more modern very different and remember it's not I'd suggest you're not saying well if I had a good idea this is what I would suggest you're simply saying I suggest there's a big difference between I to suggest and I suggest one implies if I were confident enough in my idea this is what it would be the other implies I have a solution to your problem and here's what it is so repeat that after me I suggest one more time I suggest one more time I suggest and those are your danger phrases and power phrases for work remember to put them out around your desk put them in your pocket put them someplace where it's visible and also someplace where you can easily add to the danger phrase list and add to the power phrase list and in minutes a day you can get completely different results from when you communicate simply by changing a word here and there stop using nature phrases we're gonna give you the power alright now let's talk about a couple of difficult people tactics the first tactic I think we should learn about today is compliment the crazy when a crazy compliment crazy you know sometimes we are dealing with difficult people who are emotionally out of control and when somebody is emotionally out of control remember that they are truly crazy when the emotional side of our brain is triggered it draws us out of the logical side of our brain and we literally go insane for some people it's as if they're on PCP so remember we are truly crazy when we are out of control emotionally out of control emotions make sane people crazy and one way to get people back on track when they are crazy when they are out of control emotionally is to compliment them on the characteristic you wish they would exhibit more of for example if you're dealing with somebody who's totally emotionally out of control and you wish that they would get it together instead of telling them I wish you'd calm down which is a huge danger phrase what would you like them to exhibit maybe self-control then compliment them on their self-control now of course I don't mean to suggest that you say to an emotionally out-of-control person wow you're really keeping it together Bravo that's not what I mean what I mean is you know if you have kids I grew up with my grandmother and she used to constantly compliment me on characteristics that at the time I did not possess she used to tell me I was organized dependable reliable and I was not but eventually because she kept telling me that I was those things I turned out to be those things for her we want to live up to people's expectations of us that's just a basic human characteristic we want to live up to the person that others see us ads and so if I want you to exhibit more self-control I'm going to compliment you on your self-control but I have to do it in a savvy way for example what happened to you poof I understand why you're so upset and you know I'm surprised you're not even more upset when you tell somebody for example I'm surprised you're not even more upset the average person is not going to say to you oh yeah well I can get more upset then it that's not what happens instead people tend to behave as if that's right recognized I can keep it together even under these circumstances so what I want to do is find the characteristic that I want you to exhibit more of and then find ways to compliment you on that I might say something such as wow I don't know how you can keep it together as well as you are frankly you know saying things like that gets people to behave as if that's right and they start exhibiting the characteristic that you're complimenting them on so that's a simple quick down and dirty tactic to use when dealing with an emotionally charged person in the next week you're going to find yourself with an emotionally charged person especially because we talked about this lesson so the next time that happens to you remember compliment crazy tell that person that they are exhibiting the characteristics that you'd like them to exhibit in some savvy way and that characteristic starts to come out the second dealing with difficult people strategy I'd like to talk about this week is telling people they're right you know there's something in our brain when we are emotionally out of control we all have been angry let's say with a telephone company with a credit-card company with the cable company with somebody where you think nobody gets it how outrageous the treatment is that I have received nobody gets it how wrong this is nobody understands what's happened to me nobody has validated me yet is the bottom line when we are emotionally charged sometimes what we're looking for is validation we want somebody to tell us you're absolutely right and so as a savvy communicator we have to many many many times put our ego aside remember I can choose to be right or effective giving you what you need to get unstuck does not make me any less powerful on the contrary the better you feel when you are around me the more power we both have I frequently talk about how I am a selfish communicator and I am when I am communicating with somebody the purpose is to get my needs met and I do that by meeting your needs first frequently and so one of the strategies that you can find very useful in a variety of communication situations is using the phrase your right now if somebody's emotionally out of control as we were talking about before our brain tends to be looking for validation and that emotional side of the brain the emotional side the right-hand side is right now triggered if we're in that emotional state to get into that logical side of the brain which is where most of us want to get when we're trying to solve this person's problem it's much easier to access that side if you give the right-hand side where the person is currently residing what it needs to get unstuck and die down so beginning a sentence with your right does not sound like oh you're right we totally messed up we are losers that's not what I'm saying or you're right we're wrong I simply mean to say something such as what happened to you you're right we need to fix this right away or you're right this is a problem or you're right we need to get to the bottom of this or you're right things like this can be very frustrating a simple phrase that begins with your right does not necessarily assign culpability what I'm simply doing is giving you the phrase you need to hear that you are right so that you can now listen to what's going to come after that and we can go ahead and solve your problem so remember sometimes that's difficult to do because when we are dealing with difficult people we're thinking to ourselves you are so wrong on so many different levels that is not going to get me where I need to go and again I can choose to be right or I can choose to be effective and in this case using a simple phrase such as your right helps me and can help you be effective before we get into our communication principle of the week I'd like you to take out your worksheet for this lesson it's in your lesson materials and it's the worksheet that says on the top personal compass step 1 this week we're going to start creating our personal compass our personal compass is what we use in difficult communication situations where there's this sliver in time between event and response and what that means is there's a moment in time between the event whatever is going on around us and the response how we respond to the situation there's a moment in time and sometimes we have the presence of mind to pause during that moment in time and reflect on who we are before we speak you're the most common question I get during communication workshops or keynotes or training is what do I say when or what do I do when that's how the questions tend to begin what do I say when or what do I do when before we even go there we will find much more success personally and professionally and in terms of communication if instead of the first question being what do I say when or what do I do when we instead ask ourselves Who am I going to be when you know for example when I'm dealing with a difficult person Who am I going to be with person when I'm dealing with and emotionally out-of-control co-worker Who am I going to be when I'm dealing with my children who have had a bad day who've been bullied at school who have had something happened to them and they need compassion Who am I going to be with that person when I'm dealing with my spouse who needs a little tenderness Who am I going to be with that person once we decide instead of what to say or what to do once we have it very clear in our brains who we are going to be the words what to say when to say it who to say it to all of that falls into place much more easily because we have started in the right place which is Who am I Who am I going to be how am I going to show up in this communication situation so to do that what we're going to do is a very simple three-step process there are three steps to creating a personal compass and step number one is to come up with some I am statements so this week what I would like you to do is keep that worksheet around and come up with some IM statements and I am statements are going to be statements that you can use who you are everywhere it's not just for work or for home or for church you don't have a lot of us we know people if you've ever been to a church recently I went to church and I went into the basement there was like a pancake feet or something going on in the basement and there were people in the church basement who were acting so Christianly to one another you know they were so nice they were so giving they were so kind and compassionate and seemingly merciful to one another and then the next day at work I saw some of the same people they were anything but Christic with their co-workers they were anything but kind and merciful and loving at work because they thought all that behavior was only for the church basement I guess that's not appropriate here at work you're different you don't deserve that behavior and instead of focusing on who they were they were really busy focusing on who other people were and based on that they were going to decide then how to behave in different communication situations based on people around them that's the opposite of what we should be doing what we should be doing is regardless of who you are whether you're the cashier at the grocery store you're called customer you're my child you're my spouse you're a co-worker you're my boss regardless of who you are I am a compassionate person a merciful person a loving person a patient person what are the words that are important to you who do you want to be in the most important relationships in your life for example if you're married who do you want to be with your spouse you know I am what I am loving I'm patient I'm compassionate if you're a parent who do you want to be with your children if you're a friend who do you want to be as a friend you know I am trustworthy I am loyal think of IM statements that would be important to you especially when you think of your what you might consider special relationships think about that and write down some IM statements for the week that's going to be on your worksheet entitled personal compass step 1 and those IM statements are really going to help uncover for you the person that you truly are and want to cultivate more which brings us to our principle of the week it is all about me communication oh I love the week you know a lot of people jokingly will say it's all about me but the truth of the matter is it is all about me you know I really don't see the world as it is I see the world as I am and we all know that you know sometimes it's more in the forefront of my mind sometimes it's more in the back of my mind but the truth of the matter is it is all about me what I say to you has nothing to do with you and I have to take responsibility for that just as what you say to me has nothing to do with me I do not invest in my communication skills for you I invest in my communication skills for me I do not treat you with kindness for you I treat you with kindness for me because that's who I am and I also realize what I give to my brother I get to myself I do not say no to you in a respectful savvy polished professional manner for you I say no to you for me everything I say and everything I do is for me so the next time you have a challenging communication situation you know many times when we are for example at work somebody says something nasty to us and it triggers something within us that gets our defences up and we want to show that person oh yeah well I can be nastier than you can in fact I can win the blue ribbon for the nastiest person in this hallway right now you know we tend to think these crazy box like that right but if instead we have tools at our disposal we have the presence of mind which you'll have if you invest in these types of things too during that sliver in time between event and response that sliver in time between somebody saying something to you and how you respond to it if you have the tool which is in this case the personal compass to stop and reflect on and think to yourself wait a minute before I speak what I'm about to say is that in line with my personal compass for example last night I spent time writing in there I am kind I'm compassionate I'm forgiving I am merciful and I'm loving what I want to say to you right now is not in line with any of that and that's because I'm crazy you know you said something to me that triggered something in my brain that triggered thousands of years of programming and right now I'm ready to either fight you or run away real fast you know it triggers that in us we can't help it but to overcome that we have i.m statements because I realize in my moments where I'm sane and sober like now that what I say to the difficult people in my life when they are being difficult has nothing to do with them that's about me that is about my ability to handle these situations especially because one of the basic communication principles is I am in charge of every relationship in my life I am it is all about me what I say to you not about you that's about me so before I respond to a difficult person you know I might have the opportunity to correctly deal with a difficult person a hundred times a day I might have only gotten it right one time yesterday that happens I'm a human being I might only get it right once maybe twice but if I have the right tools at my disposal like a personal compass and correct I am state to remind myself before I speak hey I am patient I am professional I am polished whatever it may be I might get it right three times rather than just two times like I got it right yesterday because guaranteed I am going to have the opportunity to choose again every time I have chosen incorrectly with a difficult person or any communication situation in the past no matter what the situation was if I truly chose incorrectly guaranteed I will have the opportunity to choose again that situation is going to keep popping up in front of me until I choose correctly and having simple I am statements that are in your personal compass will help you choose correctly the next time you deal with a difficult person the next time before you speak because instead of focusing on who they are and basing your communication on that you'll be focusing on who you are and basing your communication on that because the truth of the matter is every word we speak everything we do is a testament to who we believe we are it is all about you communication principle I love the week so I hope you enjoyed our communication training for the week now you have some homework you have some body language strategies to implement you have some danger phrases to eliminate some power phrases to incorporate a couple of dealing with difficult people strategies that you will have the opportunity to use and your principle of the week which is it's all about you don't forget to fill in your worksheet your i.m statements to be ready for next week's lesson because next week's lesson is going to incorporate part two of our personal compass which will be why am I here so I'd like to thank everybody for joining me in this lesson and I will see you next week

Channel: Online Communication Skills Training Courses

Views: 24,273

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Keywords: free communication course, body language training video, communication course videos, body language course, COMMUNICATION COURSES, communication course, body language skills, body language classes, dan o'connor communication, communication skills training video, communication class, body language, actualized.org

Id: vfXQ18m_OsE

Length: 33min 38sec (2018 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 28 2016