How To Handle Toxic People And Passive Aggressive Behavior

how to handle toxic people and call them out on their behavior part two of a special three-part holiday series so many people they want desperately to stop cycles of difficult behavior but they can't they don't know how don't just tell them show them we teach by demonstration that's how people teach and that's how other people learn they see it so get ready rudolph because someone's got a guide this way and it's going to be you by the way if you're new to this channel i'm communication skills expert dan o'connor and i specialize in what's called tactical communication which means i give you the words and if you'd like more tactics like this you know specific words or body language maneuvers that can help you achieve your communication goal subscribe to this channel and if you find value in this content and you think others might as well support this channel by hitting that notification bell that's the best way to support us and i would really appreciate that especially during this holiday season so that said here's the gift i'm going to give you today a three-part process for calling people out on their behavior so let's say that the behavior is something like this okay let's say that you're at your holiday party and you're there alone because number one you wanted to spare your significant other of the process but number two your significant other really didn't want to come because let's say that they are kind of exiled and there's your cousin brian and brian knows that your partner's not there and he just he's he's a scab picker you know he likes to pick at people's scabs and their wounds just for fun so while you're eating your holiday bird you're taking a nice chunk of dark meat you're about to put it in your mouth and brian cleans over says hey hey hey trixie so where's your other half tonight are you guys not together anymore and you think all right up with this i shall put no more this is where it ends i'm gonna say something here's a great way to say it all right number one start off with the effect of their behavior number two state your response to their behavior and then number three state the behavior now there is a specific order to what i just said and it sounds like it's almost backwards when i call you out on your behavior sometimes what i want to do is put your behavior at the end of the sentence not say that first why let's review quickly where the power lives in our sentences there's a power structure to our sentences and when you know where the power lives in your sentence and deliver a message keeping that in mind placing the power where it should be it can totally transform your message here's what i mean by that the power in our messages that we send tends to lie at the beginning and at the end so what i'm going to do is choose the end of this message is my most powerful location and i'm going to plunk what i want everybody here to be aware of in that position watch how it could sound you know brian i'm assuming that you're not trying to be insulting however i'm going to step back from you and your comments and not engage with you on that or anything else like that that you say when you ask a rude heterocentrist ignorant question like that one when you say it like that that's like that rude question that you just asked and you might want to just linger there for a moment and then move away charlie could you pass that dark meat that looks tasty you know remember once you say something like that and that's a big monster ball to leave hanging out there if you're a nice person if you're uncomfortable with other people being uncomfortable chances are you'll want to fill in that void you know and say something else after that don't do it let it hang [Music] let them go off the foot what are they going to say all you did was clearly point out the behavior that's it's all you're doing three second look remember hey charlie could you pass that dark meat simple wait i'd like to stop for a moment let me know what are your specific memories or premonitions of things that people say during the holidays that you just can't believe that they say write them in the comments below i'd like to hear what they are okay and i'd like to address them in a specific video like this so please let me know specifically what are some holiday danger phrases that you have heard are afraid of hearing will hear or maybe have said write them in the comments below i'd like to hear it listen to brian he knows that you're married to a mexican and if you're at a holiday party like one of mine in my family they're all the same they're all white irish catholics i don't know how they keep finding more white irish catholics they keep finding them so they are all they're all there and they'll say that somebody said something to you like hey did you hear the one about the mexican who wandered into santa's village and you think oh are you kidding and so you say what brian hey you know i'm sure you're not trying to be insulting but i'm going to have to say good evening and happy holidays and head on out if you're gonna start telling racist jokes what happened what happened over there oh brian was telling racist jokes not dan got offended dan was being really sensitive dan couldn't take a joke i left you with what happened it was the last thing i said brian i'm sure you're not trying to be offensive but i'm gonna have to say good evening and happy holidays if you're gonna start to tell racist jokes then you leave there you go you know listen that your boss says something to you like hey hey so have you thanked mary by the way for saving your ass during that last presentation when you totally forgot your words oh john i'm sure you're not trying to open up my wounds of the past and insult me right here in front of everybody at the holiday table however i'm gonna call you on it if you keep making those types of passive-aggressive comments people will be like okay i didn't know all right now you know hey john i'm sure you're not trying to insult me or my brothers or my sisters that might not happen to be in the room however i have to stop you before you go any further and let you know that i'm very sensitive and will call you out when you make those types of racist comments was anybody unclear about that no all right that's the dark meat we need to be clear but when we are clear as to the behavior that we will or would not accept that is when you will see great change people will not be able to believe it when you are that clear with your communication and i structured it the right way i told you hey here's the effect that it's having i'm sure you're not trying to be rude i'm sure you're not trying to show your roots i'm sure you're not trying to be insulting i'm sure you're not trying to open up my wounds of the past i'm sure you're not trying to make me feel like less than other people here i'm sure you're not trying to judge me right here at the holiday table i'm sure you're not tell people and then say what you're not gonna do what you're not gonna put up with what what the response will be from you or is from you what the effect is however i'm not going to let that slide i'm not going to sit down and just pretend like that's normal i'm not going to accept those types of comments i'm not going to listen to those jokes i'm not going to let your behavior slide i'm not going to accept passive aggressive comments then their behavior if that's the type of racist thing you're going to say if you're going to tell racist jokes if you're going to make passive aggressive comments if you're going to insult me or my brothers or sisters if you're going to bring up the past if you're going to try to shame me once you've stated what they've done leave it and give them the three second look there you go now now a couple of keys for those well i was just trying to tell a joke well the way you do that is you tell a joke that's number one inclusive but number two funny [Music] you know well i was i was trying to make small talk well in the future if you're going to make small talk with me i recommend you ask things like hi how have you been how is your life going how are things for you is everyone in your orbit safe and secure that's how you start conversations like that people will be like oh my god oh my god oh my god do it you know because you have that in your brain let it out your mouth don't mince words you don't have to be nervous you don't have to sugarcoat it just say it well in the future i suggest that if you want to know how my business is going you ask me hey dan how's your business going that's how you say that simple in the future if you want to ask how is my partner ask hey dan how's your partner that's it simple and is anyone here who has terminated a relationship can tell you that's nothing to be ashamed of therefore i would tell you my partner and i are no longer in a romantic relationship my partner is dead my partner whatever it is that's not a thing of shame and i would tell you you can be upfront with your communication with me i can take it [Music] something like that you know what i mean let people know i can take it you can be direct with me you can be honest with me you can be clear with me you don't need to beat around the bush just ask your questions if you have them i will answer them just make sure they are clear up front and appropriate questions for the venue we are at the christmas dinner table do you think that's an appropriate question for this venue you know ask people what's going on in that brain ask them do ask them and when you're telling people how to achieve that goal don't say what you'd suggest or what you would suggest tell them i suggest xyz in the future if you have something to say to me i suggest you say it to me in the future if you have a question as to whether something is or is not appropriate for the venue i suggest you ask me in private that will avoid the whole uncomfortable situation in which we now find ourselves and even if they say something like i'm not uncomfortable well i am and it's because of the way you are communicating and i'm asking you to stop is there a problem am i unclear in something that i'm saying you know there's nothing wrong with telling somebody your communication is making me feel uncomfortable but the way i would put it you know there are many different ways to put it one of the ways depending on what they're doing or what they're saying or how you find the situation is by saying instead of hey i find your communication inappropriate john i'm sure you're not trying to be inappropriate but i'm gonna have to stop you there because i believe that at this venue it is inappropriate to ask that question [Music] so i'm again highlighting your question by placing it at the end see what i mean so the way you structure your sentence makes a big difference in the way the message will be taken by others and remember not to tell people what you would suggest this is what i suggest oh well in the future if there is any question in your mind as to whether something is appropriate or not you can always ask me in private that would avoid this whole uncomfortable situation for everybody involved simple and remember the truth what gets rewarded gets repeated so if you would like their behavior to continue reward it by engaging in a way that pleases them or by taking it you know if you're going to act as the scapegoat prepare to be the scapegoat and remember the three second look when you say something and it's the end of your message with those types of comments [Music] let things linger for a moment let it soak in let everybody there take a breath and wait for the next words that you're about to say because people will when you choose your words more wisely and don't just try to fill in empty spots you know or silence with words when the words that you choose to say have been carefully chosen people will listen more intently to them and remember that when somebody says something such as gosh i'm sorry i didn't mean to you know give people the benefit of the doubt that they didn't know you know they didn't know what are your flaws what are the things that you do that you know you shouldn't but you do them anyway isn't it nice when people forgive you for those you know we're all suffering from just different forms of the same affliction so forgive people but forgive them don't tell them it's okay if somebody says you know hey man i'm sorry i didn't mean to offend you don't say that's okay it's okay it's okay it's not okay tell people i accept your apology let's put a period and put this behind us all right and then do it when you say to somebody i forgive you when you say to somebody let's put a period and move along you must do it that is a holiday gift you can give people showing them that forgiveness is real that they can believe in it and when you say you forgive somebody you do putting all those things together that is really showing people the spirit of the holidays you know love hope people are looking at you and thinking they just changed my whole life with that one comment i mean you do not know whose life you're gonna change when you do something like that but you'll be giving somebody not just the permission but the tools to change their entire life when you do that that is so loving even though it doesn't feel like you're loving on them at the moment that is such a loving thing to do as long as you are clear direct and honest in your communication and you're doing it in a way that you're trying not to hurt somebody but you're trying to show them a different way that's holiday love right there and i hope that you know during the season i hope no matter where you find yourself that you are surrounded by people that you love you deserve that and they deserve the best of you so speak loving words to them if you have any challenges finding the right words to say something to somebody in a way that's filled with love that's what i'm here for so ask it in the questions below and i will respond to them in a video like this now for more advanced tools for more advanced difficult people stop by my website danoconnortraining.com and in my library you'll find courses and downloads and audios and videos and ebooks and things to help you overcome any communication challenge you have and i'm migrating right now from one site to another so vip members remember all of the new courses and everything new that you will see in the store soon you get all of that for free and if you'd like to become a vip member but have not yet been able to afford it it's the holiday season so you never know what type of holiday gifts i might be giving out let me know if you have any challenges with any resources that you might want or even the vip membership i'll help you get that no matter what your budget is so let me know and i will work with you because i want everybody starting the beginning of this year who needs to work on their communication skills i want you to have the tools that you can use to do that so stop by my site send me a letter post a comment subscribe like this video and share it on places like facebook and twitter and anywhere else you think people might go for information like this okay remember video number three is coming up next so i'll see you there for everyone here at dinner connor training this is dan o'connor signing off [Music]

Channel: Online Communication Skills Training Courses

Views: 23,471

Rating: 4.9538302 out of 5

Keywords: toxic people, how to call people out, how to deal with toxic people, how to respond to rude questions, how to stand up for yourself, passive aggressive friends, passive aggressive narcissist, passive-aggressive people, dealing with toxic people, passive agressive people, toxic relationships, communication skills tips and tricks, communication skills, dealing with rude comments, effective communication skills, effective communication skills training courses

Id: uh7V9AaDReA

Length: 14min 25sec (865 seconds)

Published: Sat Dec 05 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/kamekaze1024]

Is this worth watching? The title is interesting but the thumbnail is so cringe