The Wooden Sword is one of the worst weapons
in Skyrim. It’s not really even a weapon at all, Wooden
Swords are toys meant to be given as a gift to adopted children, a toothpick on steroids,
it’s so worthless that your bare hands do more damage. You’re better off using nothing at all than
the Wooden Sword. So… Can you beat skyrim with only a wooden sword I wasn’t lying in the intro. Unarmed attacks do 4 damage unless you’re
a Khajit or Lizard, then they do 10, an iron dagger’s also a 4, but the wooden sword
is sitting rock solid at a very impressive 2 damage per swing. Only the Fork is considered more worthless
from the standpoint of damage, and monetary value. While the Fork has the advantage of being
a fork, the wooden sword’s biggest advantage is being available in abundance. Wooden Swords can be bought from general merchants,
found as random loot, and can be witnessed inside the hall for honorable orphans. Alternatively, they can be stolen from a cat’s
hidden pocket. There’s a hidden chest tucked away by the
Mineshaft in Dawnstar which contains all Ahkari’s wares. To abuse the exploit that resets her inventory,
she needs to be in town, but to rob her blind it wouldn’t really make sense for her to
know you’re there. Or, to take it a set further, it wouldn’t
make sense for you to know where she it. To immediately get an overpowered Wooden Sword,
borrow the enchanted weapons and armor, strip them of their most important merits, take
one of the soul gems you stole from Akhari, slap it in the Wooden Sword with the enchantment
of your choice and like magic you’ve got stick that does ludicrous amounts of damage. With a most impressive stick, I alerted the
Jarl of the dragon in Whiterun, took a peak at what lurks beneath the court wizard, sold
him my children’s clothing, and set off for Bleak Falls Barrow on Legendary Difficulty. For those of you who had your legencherries
popped by a wooden sword like I did, I’ll explain what Legendary difficulty does because
I’d never played with such an OP stick before. Legendary difficulty makes NPCs take 1/4 as
much damage as they would on Adept which would’ve been a big enough of a deal for me to play
on as it is, and also makes the player take 3 times as much damage. Do the math, Legendary makes Skyrim 12 times
harder, negating the positive side effects of imbuing a piece of wood with the soul of
a snowman. The Widowed Frostbite Spider killed me half
a dozen times despite my best efforts to avoid her. She made peace with the Draugr in her own
way and came out the other side of the triple bladed swing trap a stronger spider than before. Only by cracking Skyrim back down to Adept,
chugging potions, and saving my level up for a moment of introspection could I survive
in any meaningful way against 3 of the most basic, uninspired Draugr this barrow had to
offer. The Draugr Overlord, a single target, wasn’t
as much of a struggle to kill. As usual, returning the Dragonstone advanced
the story enough to kick the cats into gear. They’re at Dawnstar, the real game can begin. Up to this point, everything’s been pretty
conventional. Unfortunately we’ve reached the fork in
the road. The plain Jane Wooden Sword would only be
a usable weapon without enchantments when the difficulty is pretty low. Then you’re just playing Skyrim with a really
weak weapon which I already did with the Fork and I didn’t want to do that again. What I wanted, truthfully, was to play Skyrim
by only reverse pickpocketing poisons but about 3 hours into that, having killed no-one,
I realized that wasn’t the challenge for me which really hurt my feelings since I took
notes and everything. This Wooden Sword playthrough is more than
18 hours long, my last Skyrim video on top of being misleading was about 7 1/2 hours. There’s no time to save Tamriel, I’m on
a spiritual journey now. The Dawnstar exploit is the first of many
I’ll be using to create a wooden sword fit for a King Paul. Akhari’s caravan needs to be in Dawnstar
for it to work as it uses her chest I ransacked earlier. Every merchants inventory will reset after
a certain amount of time, like once every 2 days. You could wait for their stock to reset and
loot the chest by the minecraft for infinite soul gems, enchanted items, potions, poisons,
metal bits and pieces, an assortment of useful shit. Or, you quicksave near Akhari, attack them,
reload the quicksave, and their inventory’s been restocked. Using this exploit lets you accomplish multiple
important segments of this race. For starters, you own the store, you own the
bank, and you control the printing press. You might lose money on the resale value but
you can loot the chest to get your gold back. Bartering raises your speech, as does the
charismatic caravan worker camped out on the side of the road. In the process of pretending to exchange goods
for other goods, you can break down those goods at an Enchanting Table to raise your
Enchanting skill, create new enchantments on armor and weapons to raise it even further. Soul Gems, used to enchant items, are found
inside the Cat Box as well. The cycle of tormenting the simple trader
continued on and on and on until I’d raised my enchanting skill up to level 94, 6 levels
short of 100 for the strategic reason of not feeling like taking it further at the moment. Before leaving Dawnstar I applied one-arm
buffing enchantments to the armor pieces I had and armed with Dinksters Surprise and
a Sparkle Stick that steals the souls of its victims, I saw no reason to not test out my
new toys on a dragon. I survived as well or better than I was expected
to, spoke to Jarl to advance the story, got mauled by a bear, retreated to the river,
it stood with its son and taunted me, and entered a bandit hideout to harvest a few
souls to keep the train inside me chugging along on the tracks. I would learn after those 18 hours I already
mentioned that Black Soul Gems are needed to take human souls. I saw “No soul gem large enough” hundreds
of times and never once looked up what it might mean. At level 19 now I’m on par with the dead
skeletons as far as offensive capabilities go while baby’s first bandit dungeon was
filled with enough high ranking Bandit Outlaws to stop my plans in their tracks. Magic, the technology of a bygone era, is
one of humanities greatest achievements. Polish your stick while chanting the special
words and you can it to Paralyze anything it touches, leech the life from its body and
harvest its soul, or let you breath underwater. Those enchantments don’t touch the base
damage of the wooden stick. To improve that, you’ve gotta get your hands
dirty. Improving weapons falls under the the Smithing
skill tree, naturally. Wood comes from trees, we know this, your
children will learn about it in History class alongside how to turn a leftover human skull
into a bowl for vegetable soup. Until my sword can split in Orc in twain with
a single blow, it will not be strong enough. Luckily an exploit exists that can pump up
Smithing in minutes. Down in the basement of the Halted Stream
Camp is the book that teaches the Transmute spell. This Alteration spell converts iron ore into
silver or and solver or into gold ore at the cost of 88 magic. Thanks to my surplus of pocket trinkets- swords
poisons, other people’s hats, the important stuff- I had the funds to beat the Ironworkers
daughter every hour of every day to restock her inventory of unrefined ore. I finished dressing the stage in Riften. Firewood, the sole commodity used to upgrade
the Wooden Sword, is not found out in the wilderness. Supposedly merchants will share their ‘stache
with you if you ask nicely. I never did, asking someone for wood isn’t
something I feel comfortable doing. I took my 30 pieces of wood weighing 150 pounds
from the ground, tried to ride the carriage back to Whiterun, I exceeded the weight limit
so I bought a stallion and rode across the county towards High Hrothgar. Brother Bear and his Dad killed my horse on
the first leg of my journey. See I’d taunted them for a couple minutes
by riding around them in circles occasionally hitting whichever bear looked weakest with
my sword. After I learned my lesson and took a new direction
home, I found Redwater Den and, remembering what lurks within, entered the basement to
free an old friend from his cage. Telekinesis proved itself worthless in its
own right last year when I played Skyrim with only Telekinesis and now it has a chance to
be worthless once again by coming with me to the Top of the Threat of the World with
Horsington the 1st then with me to the afterlife when we slipped off a rock. Back at Whiterun I transmuted until the wee
hours of the morning and through all my backbreaking labor I’d created 31 Gold Rings, taking
my Smithing skill to the upper echelon of the mid 20s and with Enchanting properly maxed
out allowing me to dual wield enchantments on all items, I grinded away until Smithing
reached 38 and at long last, created a Wooden Sword capable of parting the sky like the
red sea. 11 Damage on a Wooden Sword, not to mention
the extra magic nonsense, is practically unheard of. But wait, there’s more, and believe it or
not I can’t do this alone. This isn’t a job for 2 people, it’s a
job for 1 and a half people. How convenient is it then that the Jarl gave
me a donkey for saving his town from a dragon back when I valued the lives of a nation over
my newfound love of woodworking. On a related note, I mentioned a donkey painting
on Twitter last month, this is that painting. One of the donkeys is named after Lydia, not
Lydia specifically. I need a name for the remaining donkey. If you’ve got one, leave it in the comments. As for this next exploit, Lydia, Serana, Torvar,
Falco, any companion or follower will work. You need a follower and any item or items
you want to duplicate. The duplication is not as exponentially broken
as it is in Fallout 4, but for items you only need 100-200 of, this works perfectly. In my case, I’ll be duplicating iron ore
and silver ore and gold ore. Command the b*tch to halt, and drop all the
items on the ground individually, no stacking anything. Tell the follower to pick up the items, back
out of the follower command interface, Press B or Circle on a controller, open the gate
to Skyrim, turn around, go back into Whiterun, and your items will be on the ground and in
your followers inventory. This, of course, was a trial run. The extra metal gets me up to 40 smithing
later. The summoning circle of dead fish does something
else entirely. Something far better. When combined with an equal part salt, these
fish can do extraordinary things. One Abecaen Longfin, one Cyrodilic Spadetail,
and one pile of salt, when stuffed together into a bottle, create a Fortify Restoration
Potion. What’s the point in that, wonders someone
watching this, you can’t use Restoration spells in this playthrough you’re saying. First, shut up, second, it’s a beverage. Third, we’ve arrived at the 4th and believe
it or not, not the last exploit we’ll be using. What you’re about to see, don’t bother
asking why it works, It just does. You’ll be recommended to wear a complete
set of Fortify Alchemy armor such that you have 4 pieces of armor, rings, or neck laces
that make created potions 100% more powerful, +25% from each piece of armor. I had 3 of the 4 which is close enough. While wearing the armor, create a Fortify
Restoration potion at the potion stand. Go into your inventory, remove the enchanted
bits, drink the Fortify Potion, put the armor back on, and exit the menu back into the game. As you do this over and over and over again,
the potions become stronger, the fish become more confident, the salt is that fancy shit
YouTubers use that you pinch, not that I would know anything about that, I keep my salt in
Tupperware like civilized folk. Don’t waste your time thinking you can do
this outside of the Alchemy Lavatory (Lab) by creating a bunch of potions here and drinking
them elsewhere. I tried it, it didn’t work. You’ll get the benefits of a single potion
but they don’t stack the way they do here. Here you can make rings that make you a master
blacksmith, an olympic sprinter, or boots that fulfill the legacy of a lost loved one. A fake legacy. I never loved her and her legacy lied to me. In true Mitten Squad fashion, I couldn’t
quite get the potion thing to work the way I saw it working in other videos. The effects always went away after the potions
timer stopped. However, 60 seconds is like 57 seconds longer
than I need to make this Wooden Sword Legendary. Pop on the bling, chug a refreshing cola,
and a simple ordinary stick of wood now does a staggering 71 damage. Up in Dragonsreach I ran the potion alchemy
gauntlet again, created the Skin Suit, made Alteration cost nothing, picked up a bucket
and held it there the air until Alteration reached 100. Only for the perk points. Alteration is the charisma of skyrim. Over the next lets call it 25 minutes, a multitude
of repeated events unfolded once more culminating with a circle of gold replacing the dead fish,
I am a King after all, and my wooden Swords all growing up right before my very eyes. At this moment, on Legendary, I feel comfortable
saying the real game has begun in spite of the goofy appearance. Where am I going, what am I doing? I’m not doing anything important. I overheard the Jarls assistant mention a
giant that needed slaying outside of Whirerun and there’s no better target for 273 points
of thick grainy goodness. I’d gone and done it, almost 10 years after
Skyrim released, I created a character capable of surviving the assault of a giant. My reward was 100 gold. I’d already given him thousands of gold
for my house in town. This is like my apartment raising rent by
hundreds of dollars per month while giving everyone a $5 starbucks gift card as a token
of appreciation for being a tenant. My second mission after achieving god-tier
status was to strike down Grelod the Kind. I let one of my boys give her a strategic
pummeling in the throat. That killed her. As I was laying out her body to stage an accident,
the children ran into the room, presumably because they heard her screaming as she died. I locked the children in the room and reported
back to the other child that I did as I was told. Aventus Aretino is a Dark Brotherhood scouting
agent who saw in me what nobody else did. I saw something similar in his mother, she
did a little shake when I got too close, I returned to Riften, my Stallion had resurrected,
and together we rode through the woods culling the soul of every animal we came across. Technically speaking, I failed the challenge
here when Horse got his licks in on the Bandit outlaw, he didn’t kill anyone himself, he’s
an accessory to the crime. Fashion changes, you’ll see. Speaking of seeing, you’ve probably noticed
that I contracted the vampire wart a while back. A guard had mentioned to me the Dawnguard
was reforming and Isran is a Vigilante of Stendarr, he worships the god of Mercy, he
has to help me cure the vampirism. It’s completely curable with minimal effort
at the early stages, I noticed it and chose to ignore it. I believe I was knee deep in dead fish at
the time. My priorities were elsewhere. In the late stages of vampire illness you
can’t regenerate health or stamina during daytime hours and all the enchantments I’ve
put all my heart and acquired souls into are aimed at empowering my sword, not increasing
my armor rating. I think when they saw a pair of glowing eyes
and a glowing stick emerge from the darkness their priorities weren’t to help him. Killing Isran and wiping out the Dawngaurd
isn’t an option, at least not now. They kept me from going to the light, Isran
forced me to return to the Dark Brotherhood but I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction
of making it easy to get me. I snuck into the Dawnstar jail by walking
down the stairs and opening the door. I killed the Guard, walked into the cell,
closed the door, locked it tight, and the Brotherhood of Steel got me anyway. I awoke in a room being given a choice by
Astrid, kill one of the hostages. I killed the Fearless one first and he leaned
back on his legs. Killed the middle person, they did the same,
for the third and final I upped the ante by going for a 360. All three of them, the backs of their skulls
caved in, obviously had heart attacks and died of natural causes after being kidnapped. I f*cked up the Draugr down in UStengrav,
the story does exist we can’t pretend it doesn’t but that’s enough of that for
now. Hidden in the woods of Falkreath is an ordinary
looking door with a bloody hand etched into a giant f*cking skull, unsuspecting to the
common man, that opens up a whole new world to anyone granted permission to the other
side. I said the password and slid inside. As Astrid told me I was about to start a new
life in the dark brotherhood, the light in my life went out, she ran me through my options
for avoiding prison, and I got my marching orders in the form of 3 contracts from Nazir. Kill Beitild in Dawnstar, Narfi in Ivarstead,
and Ennodius Papius in the Mill near Windhelm. Beitild was first, I know Dawnstar like the
back of my head, I know where each guard sleeps and the exact moment to strike when Brooomhilda
was all alone soaking up her metal ore. What I didn’t account for was my failure. Sneak attacks count as sneak attacks but still
alert all the guards in the area. I followed her into her house and told her
my plans, analyzed her for weaknesses, performed a single strike, took out the guard that came
in, and the one after that, and the one after that, dumped all their bodies in the burning
fireplace to stage the appliances after a kettle took a pot shot at me, killed the town
cook and since the entire town hated me, I saw no reason to not go from house to house
seeing who mattered and who didn’t. That included the Jarl and everyone in the
Mineshaft and the boat people too. Papius was out in the wild nobody heard him,
Narfi was hiding out in the bad side of town and befell an accident, and Astrid assigned
me a contract. A woman in Markarth performed the Black Sacrament,
summoning someone like me to answer her call. A gentleman caller abused her for her friendships,
she had the right reaction: kill them both. Before executing that plan, I visited the
Markarth mineshaft to see what treasures lie within. Mercenaries are working the tunnels, they
said I didn’t belong, that I would definitely not fit it. Me and my big nose proved them wrong, traveled
to Windhelm, and handled the adulterer first. I couldn’t get her alone in the bar, too
many people nearby. Outside had too many people as well, but there
I took a page from Jeff Bezos playbook and just killed this b*tch anyway. My thousands of gold trivialized the fine
for taking her life in the same way a simple liquid refreshment slathered on a sword stuns
into playing possum. Markarth girl’s primary target died under
mysterious circumstances, my flame stick didn’t ignore the gasoline, I couldn’t play in
the urn, nevertheless I returned to the Hag’s Hole, told Mauri that her friends are dead,
[saw that post on the Skyrim reddit about Spiders, instinctively came up with Can You
Beat Skyrim With Pocket Spiders because I’m that good], and returned to Lydia to pony
up some potions and poisons. These potions afford me useful abilities like
surviving intense heat, increasing my stamina, poisoning my enemies, and turning down the
opacity on my skin. With dozens of a dozen different drinks stored
inside my house, I bought a house, duplicated a couple bowls of Vegetable Soup, and reported
back to Astrid. She claims Cicero the underground clown is
whispering of treachery in the Chamber of the Night Mother. I was to snuggle myself inside the coffin
to listen in on his words. She didn’t have to ask me twice, I’ve
got good ears, I hear her the first time. While Cicero performed as expected, the Night
Mother instructed me to travel to an ancient Nordic tomb in the Pale: for I am the Listener,
the leader of the Dark Brotherhood, the opposable thumb on the black hand. Astrid gave away my disguise, reclaimed her
position as Leader, and sent me to do some busywork until she could piece together why
the Night Mother sent me to Volunruund in the Pale. Nazir handed out 2 more contracts: Lurbuk
the Orc and Hern, a fellow vampire. I started with him. Shoved my sword straight down into his esophagus,
lining his entire throat with splinters. I left the bucket behind to ensure nobody
knew I was there, checked to make sure I was still on Legendary, arrived in Morthal, and
found Lurbuk. I tracked him down to the restaurant, told
him it was nothing personal, teleported behind him, left his body in a state of shock, was
got permission from Astrid to meet Amaund Motierre behind death’s door His target
is Emperor Titus Mede Il. You know, God. He’s still off working on Elder Scrolls
6. We’ll have to get his attention somehow. This kind of a job leaves no room for doubts
or second guessing. Amaund gave me an amulet to show Astrid he’s
for real and as a means of acquiring anything we’ll need to pull this off. The amulet’s worth a lot but with us being
underground assassins, I can’t just waltz into a gift shop and demand they buy my necklace,
I don’t have those perks yet. Delvin Duckworth appraised the amulet, extended
a line of credit to Astrid, she doubted my leadership abilities, and I was going to a
wedding to kill the bride. She’s the cousin of the Emperor. He’ll come to investigate and will never
make it home. Eliminating the bride can be done many ways. There’s a big rock you can drop on her head,
that’s a crowd pleaser. You can drink an invisibility potion then
take off your helmet as a display of confidence before attacking Victoria, forgetting that
doing just about anything with that potion will deactivate the effects. I left the audience to come to their own conclusions
about what happened there and turned to psychological warfare to weaken the Emperor where it hurts
the most, in his security team’s feelings. They are the Penitus Oculatus, the Praetorian
Guards of Fallout New Skyrim, serving as Titus Mede’s personal bodyguards and good god
is their morale about to take a tumble. Commander Maro, take a guess what he commands,
has a son living in Skyrim. He shouldn’t have done that. Gaius Mora’s been tasked with evaluating
the safety of each of the Major holds of Skyrim. He can be dispatched in any of the big cities
for bonus credits but doing it near the Dragon Bridge is so on the nose. You’ve seen mine, it’s crooked. I pummeled him to death with the knob of my
sword, stole his clothes, quality disguises are hard to come buy, I’d know mine just
failed. Whether either of us like it or not, I’d
have to come back here later, can’t have them hating me. I paid the price for my silly little crime,
forgot to plant the evidence on the guy’s body, doubled back to correct that and Cicero,
poor Cicero, they made fun of him one too many times. He activated his berserker rage, leaving the
Sanctuary in a huff, a giant f*cking stab hole in Astrid’s husband, and a chasm in
my heart. Inside the asylum, Cicero summoned the ghost
of jesters past to stop me from reaching him. It’s the arrows you gotta watch out for,
a single arrow to hidden kill switch hidden in everyone’s body at birth stopped me in
my tracks. At last, I found Cicero, caved in the front
of his skull with my sword, informed Astrid of what I’d done, and continued to torment
the Emperor by plotting stealing the identity of his favorite celebrity chef. He’s an evasive f*ck, never in one place
for long. Luckily an orc in my way has information leading
to his whereabouts. With his permission slip in my possession,
I was off to Solitude to assassinate the Emperor. Commander Miro still stricken by grief, fell
for the forged signature, my parents are gonna have a heart attack when they discovered I’ve
gone on an overnight field trip without their permission but it’s too late for them, I’m
already on the bus. There’s no turning back. Gina, my subordinate sidekick, asked for my
assistance at every in the recipe. She had the hat, I trusted her gut instinct
to pick the perfect first addition to the soup. Then the next and the next and the next and
the next. My only addition was the root of the Jarrin
tree. A potent little poison that dissolves the
lining of the stomach. turning the victim’s tummy into what resembles
a stepped on slug. Gertrude and I presented our dish to a famished
Emperor, who keeled over seconds after swallowing the substance. The guard detail immediately suspected Gretchen
of foul play, as did I. I donned the king cloth in an effort to fool those who just
saw me flee the scene moments ago in the same hat I’m wearing now. It didn’t work, they caught me on the bridge
in the rain with the wooden stick and let me in on the bigger plan. That guy who choked to death? He was a mirage, not the real emperor. The real Emperor was never here, the 8 legged
octopus of justice was once again 7 steps ahead of me. Asrtrid and the rest of the gang plotted had
been plotting behind my back this entire time. I slay the Emperor, the guards get the assassin,
and the Brotherhood lives on. However, you know I’d never get myself into
this kind of situation without a backup plan. I stole the Emperor’s voice with my secret
ingredient, used it to pacify all the guards on the bridge, slayed them all, caught one
of the birds in a malfunction, and made a beeline for the Sanctuary, where Commander
Maro sent the majority of his forces to wipe us all out. My faithful companion Aarbok the werewolf
died in the heat and flames, I saved Nazir with a sideways offhanded home-run swing to
the dome, and as the fire engulfed the sanctum, the night mother’s sarcophagus saved me
from the flames, and found Astrid in the back room cooked alive. Her final moments were filled with the haunting
realization that her entire life working for the Dark brotherhood was a waste, I was to
become the true leader once she passed. To give her a true Dark Brotherhood death,
one would end her life with the Blade of Woe. I did the exact opposite by trying to stuff
the remains of her life for into a soul gem. As the leader, it fell on me to call the shots. Astrid initially didn’t want to kill the
Emperor so I will continue down this path to spite her memory. This is the end of the line, not traveling
to Sovongarde to face Alduin. Under no circumstances could I go in unprepared. Back in the Dragonhouse, I went back and forth
between the Alchemy and Enchantment tables until I had enchantments powerful enough to
turn me into a living legend. Having hit points well into the millions effectively
activates God Mode.. until the potions wear off and your enchanted armor becomes borderline
worthless. I f*cked up somewhere, I just couldn’t figure
out where. Doesn’t really matter in the long run. I’d failed enough throughout this run, the
king dies on this day. Good ol’ Titus is on his giant yat, yach,
that’s one of the words I can never spell, it’s a big wealthy b*tch boat. They had countless buckets stashed away below
deck, that’s true wealth. Using an invisibility potion, I walked my
glowing sword through the bowels of the ship to the one true Emperor: Titus Mede the 2nd
in all of his shiny headed glory. Content with what was to come, he offered
me one last deal, one last way to twist the knife in Astrid’s memory: kill the assassin
who ordered his hit. I’ve entrenched myself so deep in these
goddamn weeds I have no idea who did anything. Whoever it was, they were in Whiterun but
what I haven’t told you yet is what crime I committed in Whiterun. It’s Skyrims 10th anniversary today, only
one crime could fit the bill. I used my one get out of jail free card to
murder Nazeem and drop his body in to the drink. It took ages and a national tragedy for the
bugs living in his body to get to work, but work they did. By the time I’d slain the emperor, there
were no remains of Nazeem left to mourn. He was one with the well and as for me? Well, I did the rest of Skyrim, starting with
Lydia and ending with Alduin exploding into a puddle of buckets as I did not beat Skyrim
with only a wooden sword.
