Felipe Esparza: “I’m the Real Batman” - This Is Not Happening

I grew up in Boyle Heights the capital of East Los Angeles was so full and I got jumped into a gang I didn't really want to get jumped into a gang but I was hanging around with him too much so they one day they asked me so what's up Batman you want to get jumped in and they punched me and I got jumped in they chose Batman because I wore Batman shirts every day and you know we're a little little gangster guys you know my friend Donald and my friend Bobo you know they say Batman you want to smoke some PCP I said [ __ ] it why not so we're smoking PCP at the drive-in theater and there was this guy there who was like came out of prison and he said I hardly call you Batman I said yeah well some people do well I'm the real Batman so he headed a punch him in the face right away and I was on PCP so I don't know if he punched me or his friend because I was looking at two people you know so he starts punching me more in the face the other eye busted lip and nobody's helping me like they were just saying stuff like man could this be the end of The Dark Night he is strangling me now like I can't breathe he's like strangling me so I don't know what to do so I ended up biting half his ear off before Tyson who he hacked me I don't remember this part because I blanked out of course record of the PCP and the alcohol but my friends told me that I ended up taking my ballot off and started whipping him also in the streets so he had like an echo and Mexico on his forehead he ends up going to the hospital and he he didn't press charges you know because he's not a rat you know he's a he's a hardcore guy and I was scared now because if he's not pressing charges that means he wants to kill me so me out of paranoia I got hooked on crack I mean I got hooked on crack I was walking around the neighborhood like Jeff Dunham with no puppets [Applause] tweaking hard so I'm scared you know my mom is scared because she knows that they're after me so my mom is praying and this priest comes to my house father Greg Boyle from Homeboy Industries he tells me that you're um walking around with a loaded pistol and then it was who told you that well you've been telling everyone in the neighborhood that you have a loaded pistol so I gave him the loaded pistol and he puts me in rehab but I don't want to go to rehab because I feel like I'm pussing out you know like rehab and I have a black guy from the fight you know I'm I'm all messed up I'm a loser what I am I did an immediate thing I'm a [ __ ] loser and this real nice guy I'll never forget his name from the valley this Irish guy named Tim he comes up to me one day he goes Felipe what did you ever want to be in your life and I said before crackhead I wanted to be uh a comedian I wanted to be a comedian he goes why don't you write that down so what write down five things that you want to accomplish in life and nobody has ever told me that like five things to accomplish in life nobody has over I never thought I would live this long to be here and cheat us and not being kicked out and um so I wrote down I want to be a comedian and the second thing was I want to be happy and the third one was because I love Olive Garden I want to go to Italy and four and five I didn't write [ __ ] because I couldn't think of anything else man so I I graduated out of rehab you know my first time graduating I got a one-year diploma for being sober I come back home and who do I see happier I wanted to tell him I'm sorry you know and I remember he came up to me and [ __ ] man he wanted a fight he said I'm gonna kill you and he said it right in front of my mom and dad man like and I and I turned my I turned the other cheek like I didn't fight I just gave him my back and he kicked the Bible off my hand you know like you're not a [ __ ] Christian and I was like oh I held it in you know not to do nothing to him and then I ran inside the house and I was crying I said man everybody gonna think I'm a big [ __ ] I took my shirt off threw my Bible in the air and I ran outside and my dad's clothesline me what are you doing don't you want to be a comedian and I said oh yeah I do I do so when I went back inside and I didn't do nothing and I'm proud of that because I probably would have killed here man if you're alive and you're watching this hope your life turned out great mine did okay I'm very sorry thank you very much [Applause]

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 103,731

Keywords: Felipe Esparza: “I’m the Real Batman” - This Is Not Happening, Felipe Esparza, Felipe Esparza comedy, This Is Not Happening, stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedians, true story, funny video, comedy videos, jokes, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, humor, best comedy, best stand up, rehab, olive garden, batman, felipe esparza full stand up, felipe esparza stand up, felipe esparza star wars, felipe esparza podcast, felipe esparza gabriel iglesias

Id: Px1GiJdec30

Length: 6min 29sec (389 seconds)

Published: Sat Sep 09 2023