Bill Tries Marijuana | Bill Engvall

I finally went to my doctor I said doc you gotta write me a prescription help me sleep at night and he goes oh I don't like write prescription for pills they got bad side effects I go dude I'm dying here he said bill I never thought I'd say this in my medical career he said have you ever tried medical marijuana I said doc I've never even tried unmedicated I'm not going to jail cuz I can't sleep he goes man I know you're not gonna go to jail he said here in California for medical reasons it's legal he said I'm gonna write you this card and I want you to take it to the dispensary down the road I said what's a dispensary he goes it's like a drugstore I'm thinking all right it's like a Walgreens or a CVS you know people in lab coats with name tags no it's a pot store I walk in this store and there's five white guys with dreadlocks that want to hug me all right all right have you ever walked into a bar and the second you walk through the door your brain one room bar that's what this was I walk in I looked around went oh hell no and I turn to leave and as I turn to leave I hear this voice from behind me go well hello my friend and I turn around and there's this kid and he goes my name is peace I said well peace I think I'm in the wrong place and he goes what brought you here my god well my doctor he said he was old so now you're smarter than your doctor what it was well your doctor sent you here but apparently on the way over you found a cure for whatever it was so a que hey you're smarter than your doctor and I remember thinking to myself I'm being run circles around by a pothead I should be quicker than this and I go well they gave me this card and he goes oh it's the key to the kingdom people let me see your car problems going 99 are we what am i seven yeah I guess he goes we'll turn around my friend and welcome to shangri-la and I turn around and there is a full-on wall of jars of marijuana and they all had names but they weren't medical names they were names like Bubba Koosh aap grapey Cyndi cinnamon I'm in the Ben and Jerry's a pot and he pulls this jar off the wall and all I saw was the name comatose and he takes him out and puts it in a scale weighs it put that in the bag and staples it shut and he goes now you go home and enjoy I had parked my car fifty feet from this pot store this was me walking back to my car with this bag of marijuana yeah well I know the cops are right around the corner going he's got the bag take the shot take the shot I get to my car I open the trunk I take the spare tire out I put the pot in the wheel well I put the spare tire on top of that a dead body some lime and a tarp I'm driving 15 miles an hour and a six-lane freeway with my blinker on nine miles for my exit cuz I don't want to raise any red flag and the whole time I think of what have you done you don't smoke pot you even know how to smoke pot and then the other side of my brain was everybody shut up just shut up shut up shut up now our roommate collar smoke pot he always had these papers called zig zags and he bought him at a convenience store and I'm everything I don't never having this many voices in my head so I pull into this 7-eleven you know I'm 58 you would have thought I was a 12 year old boy trying to buy his very first hustler magazine I walked in the store the cart goes what's up Michael what's up with you the brother [Applause] I don't know what came over me he goes what do you want I'll tell you what I want my friend I want a Slurpee slim jims and exactly and they was dude it's not illegal to buy papers and I said well is that bad he went cheap so I get my papers I Drive home I run down the basement cuz I can't tell Gayle about this she's way anti-pot she won't even let me go backstage at a Willie Nelson concert well she goes to bed that night I'm down the basement I got the bottom I got the papers I'm like now what because I don't smoke I've never rolled a cigarette so I'm rolling what I think there's a joint and it ends up looking like a chewed up toothpick I can't smoke the head and also oh wait a minute I got my granddaddy's pipes my granddad was a pipes remember your Grandpa's tray of five pipes so I rummage through this call if I want a granddaddy's pipes and put the pot in it and I stood up and I'm looking right in the mir and I went oh my god I look like Ward Cleaver trying to get high right now this would have been a great episode Ward puffin on that pipe hey June [Applause] okay back to the basement I lit this pot I took one puff oh my god I coughed so hard I thought my liver was gonna jump out of my mouth I woke Gail up two flights up I'm in the basement what and Gil goes bill where are you she goes bill like dammit how are you doing that thank you are you alright where's my Pig Floyd album I need to hear hey you right now

Channel: Bill Engvall

Views: 4,047,296

Rating: 4.8426399 out of 5

Keywords: bill engvall, stand up, Here’s Your Sign, Dancing With The Stars, The Bill Engvall Show, Thunderbirds, Dorkfish, Stand Up, Bill Engvall Aged And Confused, Acupuncture, Blue Collar Comedy, Bill Engvall Bad Weiner Day, Comedy, Come To Jesus, Can’t Sleep, Corn Dog, dwts, Deer Hunting, Edibles, Emma Slater, F16, Free Range Chicken, I’m Just A Guy, Interview, Kidney Stone, Last Man Standing, NASCAR, Narrow Pads, Quit Smoking, Bill Egnvall, Bill Engvall, Bill Engval, Bill Ingvall

Id: mK2iXQm4LJs

Length: 7min 33sec (453 seconds)

Published: Wed Aug 14 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/unholy_abomination]

I’ll take “Never happened” for 400, Alex.