Living in the Hospital | Bill Engvall

because I'm on a little drug called percocet and if you've been on percocet you know there is no bowel movement as a matter of fact I looked it up and percocet is a latin word and the definition is we've shoved a cork in your butt and superglued your cheeks together [Applause] I'm not kidding you I nearly had an aneurysm just trying to fart [Applause] so a couple days goes by and if you've ever been on percocet you know the moment I'm about to talk about it's that moment you realize you can go to the bathroom and it's the happiest day of your life right but I can't just get out of bed because my legs mushy night and I can't walk yet so I have to call the nurse's station yes miss dreamboat can I help you and I said hi um it's Kristi around and she goes um no she's down the hall was another patient what can I help you with I go and I don't want to just say I got to go poop and I'm a comedian they know that I'm trying to be funny so I go yeah um would you just tell her I need to drop some friends at the lake [Applause] and she said you can't go to Lake you haven't been discharged yet [Applause] No just tell her the turtles trying to get out of the pond [Applause] and she goes you can't have pets in the hospital make oh my god are you really not getting this life I said no just tell her I have to poop and she goes I'm sorry you cut out what you say now I I heard it through my door I'll sign there we go Oh Christie it's mr. in ball he has to poop so Christie comes in all bubbly so we're gonna give it a try do not be so bubbly about this so she gets me out of bed and I get in my Walker and we get into the bathroom there's some kind of like circus bathroom I mean there's pipes and bars and a swing and a net and a guy selling popcorn it's just like if she gets me seat on the toilet and she stands there I go with this ain't gonna work if you're standing here because I can't leave the room I go you've got to leave the room because I can't because you might fall off the toilet the toilet I go just standing on the other side of the door and if I think I'm gonna fall I'll give you a be cursory Wow and then you run in and save my life she said all right but I have to leave the door open a cracked open I'm good whatever just go because I'm afraid that stealing he's gonna pass as we said earlier percocet there is no bowel movement but what it does give you is explosive gas and apparently I had the bathroom with the supersonic microphone in the toilet because every time I pass gas has sounded like the bombs at Normandy go and every time she goes success finally like a BB dropped out and I'm like that town that counts right there [Applause] so she leaves a couple hours later another nurse comes in and goes okay mystery involves time for you to go to therapy the surgery doesn't hurt the physical therapy will bring tears to your eyes I never thought the words exercise bike would make me cry out loud but it did so they come and they get me to get me out of bed and I get in my Walker and if you've ever watched anybody with a walker walk it makes it a very distinct noise he goes what I don't know is the wing of this hospital that I'm in all they do is hip and knee replacements so they get me out to the hallway to go to therapy and I'm walking down the hall and I'm hearing this and I look behind me and there's like ten other old guys in there walking we're like a senior citizen train heading to physical therapy so we go to therapy and we're coming back and the nurse says look gentlemen if you don't want to go back to your hospital rooms you can just sit here in the common area and visit nobody wants to go back to the hospital room so we're all sitting around kind of a circle and there's just this awkward silence you know we've all got our walkers buyers chairs and nobody's talking and I hate that so I thought well I've got to be the one to break just but I don't know these guys I don't know where they're from or what their story is so I finally just look at the guy across and I go hey man look what kind of tennis balls you got on your Walker and egos Wilson's good brand smooth ride yeah they'll last a long time so finally people start talking well then naturally the conversation got to how did you end up here and I swear to you as I'm standing right here the guy to my left goes well I was in Vietnam as a pilot a plane got shot down I took some shrapnel to need it finally got so bad they had to replace it the guy over here goes I used to play for the Houston Oilers and 300-pound linemen took out my knee and it finally got so arthritic they had to replace it I'm like what about you well boys I hurt mine doing the cha-cha there's no way to make that sound tough yeah nobody's you keep adding on it just gets worse yeah thank God I had my leotards on him because I heard it going and I finally get discharged but if you want to know what my life is like in one moment this is it Gayle comes against me and they they wheel me downstairs to the lobby and they give me my crutches and I'm just getting ready to leave and I heard this mystery involved and I turn around and on the second-floor balcony looks over to the lobby it's Christie my nurse and I said hey Chris don't say thanks for everything you know guys treated me really well and she was I forgot to tell you something and I said what and she went whoa [Applause]

Channel: Bill Engvall

Views: 1,938,042

Rating: 4.8766026 out of 5

Keywords: bill engvall, comedy, stand up, Here’s Your Sign, Dancing With The Stars, The Bill Engvall Show, Dorkfish, Deer Hunting, Colonoscopy, Stand Up, Full Show, Argentine tango, Blue Collar Comedy, Brownies, Bathroom, Bull Riding, Comedy, Camping, Come To Jesus, Corn Dog, dwts, Edibles, Emma Slater, Interview, Just Sell Hims For Parts, Jeff Foxworthy, Kidney Stone, Knee Surgery, Larry The Cable Guy, NASCAR, Narrow Pads, Pot Brownie, Bill Egnvall, Bill Engvall, Bill Engval, Bill Ingvall

Id: OMDC-1sNxZo

Length: 7min 57sec (477 seconds)

Published: Tue Oct 22 2019