Bill Maher: Jewish Jokes #2

i i would say i do think bush was was both decisive and consultative certainly we saw there and that's a reasonable that's a reasonable position to take but tony blair came into the united stand just volunteering other people's deaths tony blair came to the united states to stand with president bush john howard from australia and you can say they're all wrong but it was also he was wrong he is wrong they are wrong your jewishness is reasserting itself you know who's got the best way of running a government the israelis i don't know if they do this but they used to have this coalition government where they had two guys running the thing of equal power and it was this is what jewish merchants have done for hundreds of years you know one guy negotiates with the arabs and he says look my partner's on vacation i take this deal now when he gets back he's going to hit the rope [Music] well i can make those jokes because i'm half jewish myself no i was i was raised catholic my father's catholic formally but my mother is jewish and i've always had the jewish mind like for example we used to go into confession as catholics do and i would bring a lawyer in with me this is what they are running on this is the thing that sticks in their craw that he won't say the word exceptionalism because you know what americans are exceptional just by being born star-spangled super-duper americans we are the chosen people because that worked out so well for the jews this is bernie madoff bernie stole 50 billion dollars mostly from other jews for jews this was the worst pyramid scheme since the actual pyramids is the ancient king of persia who conquered babylon where the jews were living in captivity this is before miami but the debates of course were held in miami so for an old jew like bernie sanders it was a home game a man said he was very happy with it another woman said her husband was very pleased with it another man said he had no problems he asked if physicians were opting out of medicare there was a chorus of no's another woman said i have i don't have any complaints which was the general viewpoint i mean this is a group of jews in boca raton with no complaints one more aviation note you know they did the airlines did cancel flights for our band flights for a little bit this week to tel aviv because obviously there's a war going on there in israel but they reinstated them they said look it is still dangerous to fly into there but it's still better than the alternative jews complaining at airports that would but the good news is that these two brothers who carried out this horrible attack uh today got their wish they're martyrs they were shot dead by french police and a third jihadist who's their accomplice also shot dead get this maybe there is a god in a kosher deli i just hope that the last thing that went through this guy's head other than the sound of the bullet was an old jewish woman complaining that the brisket is too fatty but please no more tapes although come on who's kidding you i'm sure there will be more tapes in fact today apple announced that they're bringing out a device specifically to record crotchety old jewish men when they're bitching it's called the iphone you know it's this occupy wall street movement it has taken no really it's uh they say it's now like in 1500 places all around the world it's everywhere i was at the occupy of beverly hills today it's it's just two jews at starbucks complaining that the scones aren't fresh but still it's a start then one of those trendy bars where inside looks like the outside asians come and open a chinese restaurant and then jews come because there's a chinese restaurant but probably the person who made this movie uh originally claimed he was jewish and got the funding by raising five million dollars from a hundred jews not one of whom has come forward to ask for a producer credit so we know that's [ __ ] and it's so simple to convert this way you know if you want to convert to judaism it's a huge hassle you got to find a rabbi study the torah get circumcised go to dental school they're they're taliban they're not the x-men these people have seen too many movies dream team oh yes there's hazik the explosions expert and then nori the master of disguise and captain afghanistan the nerdy computer hacker and mula fantastic who can scale any building and omari the financial mastermind who's so undercover he's actually a jew if your unmet technological challenges include pirates and getting beyond the members only jacket [Laughter] you should leave physics to countries with jews [Applause] i call bagels jew doughnuts [Applause] urban outfitters pulls offensive t-shirt for themselves you paid the bill i'm jewish shirt called mistake oh did we have to wind up with the most politically correct audience ever on the last show uh jared kushner jewish but not the weird kind to wear fur hats in the summer they're all the people oh you're not gonna like this one the people who participate in the ultra-orthodox atonement ritual of kappa wrote where you swing a live chicken over your head three times and read bible passages while someone else holds a baby have to look me in the eye and tell me there's not some point in the ceremony where you're thinking what the [ __ ] are we doing you know that in miami today miami was 42 degrees for once the orthodox jews with the fur hats were appropriately dressed well i am no expert on judaism although i try never to pay retail so the third thing i think we have in common is that people think we're jewish and we're not no no we were both raised catholic yes dominion yeah no it's true um i my father had a my best friend i had a lot of jewish friends all my friends right sure we know jews yeah we're not disowning the jews no no just saying people think we're my friend mitchell why do you think they think we're jewish well because i think we're thrifty again with the dinner okay no i don't know i mean i i have no why do people think you're jewish nose my nose i think it's the nose i think they think my nose is jewish i do i think they think i'm a jew i have funny and have a big nose you saw on tuesday the prime minister of israel spoke before congress the republicans [ __ ] loved this guy i i thought they were gay for reagan but i mean they were jumping up and down like they're at a taylor swift concert and okay but here's the scandal the next day all these repub all these conservative outlets got on rand paul the kentucky senator because he wasn't clapping enthusiastically enough because we live in north korea now people and you and the next day rand paul said i gave the man 50 standing ovations one for each jew in kentucky there is a jewish prison i never knew this did you see this cohen's this is michael cohen is going to prison and i get you get to request your prison i didn't know that either cohen's prison request otisville the nirvana for jewish offenders i couldn't make this it's in the catskills naturally it was called the lock-up of choice for white-collar jewish colonels inmate seth david said for a jewish person there's no place like otisville it's 120 inmates they're mostly doctored lawyers and accountants i'm not making this up they have a commissary that sells skull caps for six dollars a kosher selection matzo balls gefilte fish they put out a spread like you would not believe i love this lawrence dressler inmate says hey it's not zabar's and it's a little overpriced but what do you want it's prison do we even need to do a bit about this yes so we did a deep dive into this prison and wow there are some no this this is true here are some other things that go on this prison for example when an inmate drops the soap the other inmates yell out bend at the knees the big prison gang is ms-401k a riot can turn into wholesale slaughter or worse retail slaughter when you get the electric chair the warden says would it kill you to sit down if you misbehave badly at otisville you get sent up the river to unleavenworth the number one thing inmates complain about is the food second is the portions and when they toss their salad in this prison you get the dressing on the side okay

Channel: Mostly Bill Maher Clips

Views: 239,864

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Id: XeuhJyusLGA

Length: 10min 9sec (609 seconds)

Published: Thu May 06 2021