Bill Maher's Funniest New Rules #3

Video Statistics and Information

Video

Captions Word Cloud

Captions

neural flavors have to be actual flavors grape is a flavor cinnamon is a flavor Arctic chill and crystal frost I'm pretty sure those are types of meth new rule a cruise ship to Mexico was only newsworthy if everyone doesn't get diarrhea this week more than a hundred tourists came down with a norovirus whatever that is on a Mexican cruise aboard the beautiful USS kaopectate in the morning in the evening ain't we got the runs he want the Mexican cruise experience let me save you six grand put on Telemundo and eat at Arby's you can't wear a wig unless your head looks better than the styrofoam head the wig came on the roll you can't you can't land a plane on a wing and a prayer an Italian Court this week gave jail time to a Tunisian pilot who paused to pray instead of following emergency procedures as his plane was crashing yes when the plane started to go down captain Shafiq Garvey's first response was to call on Allah and Mohammed two names that aren't exactly associated with air safety I must tell us where he spent the night before this picture new rule you can't be called a neo-nazi if you're actually older than the Nazi Nazis this is 88 year old accused Holocaust Museum shooter James von Braun who's so old when he screams Zig Heil he farts by mistake the team bagger that made this sign has to explain it to the rest of us do not doubt our God will I'm sorry I don't speak bumpkin do not doubt that our God will what correct your grammar oh I get it your God's name is Wil it's nice to meet you no but this is a healthcare rally next time bring a sign that everyone can understand like this one no taxes Obama loves taxes bankrupt USA loves baby killing [Laughter] so true oh lady thank god you're here and by god I mean you know we'll know covering up for a child molester doesn't make you a bad guy it makes you a good friend Carl Ratzinger lost the paperwork on a guy who molested deaf kids and my friends give me shit when I asked them to help me move but let's put popes in perspective John the 12th drank toasts to Satan Paul the fifth condemned Galileo Alexander the sixth had a son with his daughter all the current Pope does is not see anything he's not the Antichrist he's just sergeant Schultz [Laughter] [Applause] new rule stop acting shocked that this Lisa was doing it with this leis Oh a turtle humping issue surprising a turtle humping another turtle not really news he's a dirtbag who do you expect him to cheat with Dame Judi Dench Jesse James just wanted what any man wants a nice girl you could take home to murder mom and dad and I love that name is an old-fashioned girl who just wanted a man to stick something in her that didn't shoot ink if you drag your man to Eat Pray Love this summer he gets to take you to a movie called football jerk off now I think I may be in them your movie looks good really new rule don't tell me fat guys last longer in bed it just feels longer hey a new study claims the average man has sex for 108 seconds even quicker if he's with a woman but the average fat guy I guess because the huffing and puffing slows him down has sex for all of seven minutes which explains where he got the name rush lawyers who advertise on the backs of buses have to have to change the sign from accident days to what they really mean new rules stop putting stop putting bro in front of everything bromance bro down bro dak moment way to make shoe shopping with my friend Steve sound gay oh and one way to tell that your bromance has grown into a full-on gay relationship when you're giving each other bro jobs new rule people who celebrate pi day as in the date March 14th matching the mathematical mathematical number pi 3.14 as a reminder to change the condom in their wallet ah new rules sandra bullock's kid must let us know when his new album drops I can't tell if this is a baby or midget rapper binky smalls and it doesn't clear things up when he tells me to stop by the crib new rule you can't be a country that celebrates its birthday with a gluttonous hotdog binge and pyrotechnics and then not offer universal health care on the 4th of July a man named Joey Chestnut gobbled down 62 wieners just beating the old record set by George Michael new rule if you're a motorcyclist riding helmetless in a rally to protest your state's helmet law and you crash and died of head injuries that could have been prevented by wearing a helmet oh well new rule the n-double-a-cp must take Newt Gingrich up on his offer to stand in front of their convention and tell them why black people should want jobs instead of food stands this way I can finally answer a question that's been bugging me for years can Newt Gingrich run it is not a tell if we already knew thanks woman who's come forward fifty years later to tell us JFK liked to get laid good to know thanks especially for the details like how he once made you blow his friend which confirms my long-held theory of a second shooter knurl I know Joseph Kony is a messianic homicidal madman but if we get to go to Uganda and hunt him they get to come here and hunt Mel Gibson don't leave there's a new Mel Gibson taper he rants and raves that a screenwriter for not finishing a script and now that movie is dead which is a shame because my whole family was looking forward to seeing Eat Pray shit fit new rule before asking why mountain dew had to develop a marketing campaign that Lil Wayne to try and get black people to drink it consider their logo used to be a hillbilly shooting at somebody new rule now that Rick Santorum has endorsed Mitt Romney in the thirteenth paragraph of a late-night email that's true and George W Bush one-upped him by endorsing him through the closing doors of an elevator Ron Paul must top them all by scrolling the word MIT on a post-it note and slipping it to reporters under a bathroom stall while taking a dump new rule and I don't want to sound like a Republican but America has too much regulation this week we learned that the Women's Tennis Association wants to limit how loud players can grunt during matches hello that's why men watch women's tennis so we can close our eyes and imagine where the reason maria sharapova is doing this [Applause]

Info

Channel: Mostly Bill Maher Clips

Views: 1,274,019

Rating: 4.7158093 out of 5

Keywords: maria sharapova, newt gingrich, mountain dew, gay, bro, bromance, mel gibson

Id: 5xJ8Cn7BSCE

Channel Id: undefined

Length: 9min 54sec (594 seconds)

Published: Sun Jul 08 2018

Reddit Comments