Bill Burr - How I Outran The Cops TWICE

dude you know i do that with i do that with cops when they poke when they pull me over 100 i go total honesty yup do you know why i pulled you over i had one like i don't think i've told this story in this because you know why i pulled you over i go yup he goes why i go because i made an illegal u-turn he goes yes and why did you do that i go because i'm impatient i didn't want to wait in that line in the post office i thought if i just spun around here he goes you know he could hurt somebody i was like yeah he goes then why did you do that that's when i said i go because because i'm impatient and i'm trying to work on that and he goes you know i can give you a tick for that and i said well i would appreciate it if you wouldn't and he goes well i'm not because i'm busy and i said you're awesome and then he laughed and he walked away and these are the experiences white men have with police officers i just realized like halfway through that that no nobody of color has a story like nobody knows dude i i pulled out i wasn't doing anything i pulled in he came up to my car i pulled into burbank to pick up my parents we were driving i want to say the lake to like palm springs so the car was packed pulled in and i pulled into the bottom parking garage into a handicapped spot and i was just waiting and a cop came up but it's a white guy in the chair so i think yeah yeah the cop came up very angry and he said uh do you do you have any idea do you why would you park here and i said i'm just waiting so i'm just waiting for my parents are coming out and my parents now are there and my dad is there my dad's a lawyer and he goes uh he was do you know what said ticket i could i should write you a ticket i said then by all means please do anyone excuse me that's a little flipping i go no but sir i go i didn't realize i was breaking the law but i did and if if i get a ticket of it that's because i've i [ __ ] up so i apologize i can say i'm sorry and i'm moving right now but if you need to write me a ticket you can write me a ticket i'll understand that and he went what are you trying to say and i went i'm saying i [ __ ] up and if you have to write me a ticket for parking in a handicap spot and he goes you have any idea how much that ticket is i go i'm guessing a lot and he goes 700 and i went okay and he was like you're willing to pay 700 and i was like well no i'm not willing to but if i if you're going to write me a ticket i don't think there's getting out of it i did what you said i did i'm here and he went and he looked at my dad and my dad's like i don't know what's going on and then he goes just move your car and i went okay i will yeah do you know what it is a lot of them they don't want to do the paperwork i don't yeah they don't want to do the paperwork so you can actually it's my whole theory with divorce with my wife she doesn't want to do the paperwork so she stays with me it's a lot of paperwork it doesn't always work because i've been honest with people and then i got even more of a ticket i was told because you know i pulled you over yeah because i was speeding you know how fast you were going it was like yeah like 82. he goes that's right and he goes this is your current address on your license and i was like no i need to change how long you lived at your new address i said like a year because i got to write you up for that too i was like all right i was like came back i got two tickets i'm like a gambler i think i'm down like i think i i i want to say i'm up but i think i'm probably down but how many tickets do you think don't listen to this advice how many tickets do you think you've gotten in your life i don't know i've um i don't know if i can tell these stories but there have been times oh i know one of them i know there have been times when we lost the sponsor there was a person of authority who did not have a vehicle or was on a compromised vehicle and i knew that they wanted me to pull over and i didn't are you serious i kept going oh that's a rush dude you know what the best ones are to keep going is i i can't do it i can't i can outrun this horse now i i cannot run it's too soon it just happened well now i just out of myself that it happened all right okay i was in some unnamed city all right i'll tell you the first one okay so i was going to the airport i thought i had plenty of time to drop the rental car off right and then i ran into some [ __ ] traffic so now i'm stressed right i'm [ __ ] cutting people and i get like okay at least the [ __ ] rental car thing all right i need to get gas to fill up the car and what the [ __ ] it was and the way it was you know this was like years and years ago so the way the map was working it looked like it was on my side of the airport and it turned out it was all the way on the other side of the airport and then i had to sit and trap to come back in so i was [ __ ] pissed i think it was dropping off the rental car because if it was gas i just say [ __ ] eat the cost so i started driving way too fast through the terminal area flying like i'm talking like 45 miles an hour yeah there's people with wheelies running out of the way but i feel i've been wronged by this technology yeah so [ __ ] these people and everybody who loves them right their lives in my hand because i feel i've been wrong right so i'm [ __ ] driving like a maniac and all of a sudden i just see this this cop steps off the curb um what the [ __ ] did he do he just he just sort of [ __ ] just you know he's got the whole outfit on mike oh [ __ ] so he's got the whole [ __ ] outfit on and he just kind of does like he just kind of he just walked out and he pointed at me and then did one of these so and in that [ __ ] instance i came up with a plan i was immediately i my brain was like we're not stopping so i was like all right that's the play it's like quarterback call to play on two on two ready we're not stopping so i'm like all right what do i do and i just meet with you don't speed up don't slow down don't look at him if i slow down it's going to indicate that i saw him if i speed up it does if i stay at the same [ __ ] speed and i just i was sitting there like that and i start seeing him he's waving his ah thank you doing this and i was like and he's walking to intercept the car and it got right up and i just wow and it went right by him and then when i looked in the rearview mirror i didn't even go like that i just looked like that and i see it dude the look on his face he couldn't believe it he had the outfit he told me to pull over and i saw him he does this this [ __ ] thing and i was like ah [ __ ] here they come but i couldn't stop thinking of his face and i started laughing dude and i was scared because i knew his friends were coming yeah and it became like next person who laughs gets detention i was in that heightened sense so i am crying laughing by myself i can't stop thinking of his face and i was screaming get your [ __ ] together get your [ __ ] together dying yeah so i made it to the [ __ ] gas station and i get out of the car and i am laughing so hard the guy on the other side of the pump like peeked over looking at me dude i was like i was crying to the point it looked like like a family member died or something and at one point i just gave up i was like there's no way i'm gonna be able to get my [ __ ] together there's no way i'm not gonna have a [ __ ] eating grin i'm going to jail whatever whatever the [ __ ] happens when you do this [ __ ] and the weirdest [ __ ] thing happened was nobody came and then i got in the car he was bullshitting he did the fake call he was so surprised [ __ ] i can't believe god damn it i wish i turned this charge this thing this morning [ __ ] he was so surprised that i did it he wasn't ready the next guy who did it i'm sure he got but he wasn't ready so by the time you know it was earlier in the morning my license plate i [ __ ] flew by this guy so then i get back in the car and i'm like kind of a little relieved because they didn't show up and then i was like oh [ __ ] i was driving back to the airport i gotta go buy this guy again how do i pretend to not see this guy again so and i'm laughing again and i'm trying to find howard stern as somebody on the [ __ ] radios how long ago was when he was still on terrestrial radio like trying to [ __ ] so i would have something funny to be laughing at and fortunately as i came right where i was going to see him there was the turn to [ __ ] so then i got the car and i'm [ __ ] oh [ __ ] he's up there and i'm down here and i'm going through the [ __ ] thing and i'm waiting for tsa to stop me and then i got on the plane i was like totally freaking cause i don't do [ __ ] like this i don't know why i just somewhere in my my older age i just got that i'm not [ __ ] stopping for you yeah so i ended up getting on the plane and and uh i waited like you know four or five months because there was a license plate it wasn't my car nothing happened all right god so then this other time this happens twice just keep going i don't like people on bicycles that don't share the road and then tell me to share the road don't ride out in the middle of the [ __ ] road unless you're gonna unless there's a reason you're making a left which i get yeah but you just start pedaling down the [ __ ] road like you're in the middle of a park and there's 20 people behind you that allotted enough time to get where they're going by car don't be a [ __ ] yeah just get over and we'll make sure we don't hit you that's sharing the road getting out in the middle of the road and [ __ ] slowing everybody down is you're an [ __ ] yeah so i'm late so i'm already in a mood and i'm a [ __ ] so yeah just setting the table so i'm driving you know they're tearing up every [ __ ] road in this [ __ ] city right i got to go do the morning radio whatever i'm adding details so it doesn't sound like it's here and so i [ __ ] get through this green light and i'm psyched because now i know that there's this there's this clear stretch before i have to get back into the teeth of the [ __ ] and what happens these two [ __ ] [ __ ] come out on bicycles and ride right in the middle of the road one of them's doing little [ __ ] s's and just acting like they're in their [ __ ] driveway or live on a dead-end street yeah so i did not even entertain slowing down the other side of the road was clear now look at these [ __ ] jerk-offs so i just uh and i actually drove a little faster when i went around him right yeah and then i looked and i was like oh [ __ ] those security guards they're kind of dressed the same and then i realized and i was like wait were those cops because i think i saw a gun or something and then when i went by him i see him both get out of the seat and start riding at me and i'm like oh [ __ ] so now i'm driving right and they're on bikes this time and they're out of the saddle out of the saddle and i'm [ __ ] driving i'm like oh [ __ ] and then there was like a cement truck you know i'm [ __ ] like oh [ __ ] so there's a detour so i make a [ __ ] left and once again i i slowly increased i used my turn signal but when i turned the turn i [ __ ] you know i got a few feet on him right so i wouldn't get my plate and then they i see them tearing around you know the bike's doing that [ __ ] thing as they're riding and i go around the corner i go please be green please be green creepy clean and it was [ __ ] yellow as i came around the corner i [ __ ] wow they [ __ ] went right through the [ __ ] light went right through the [ __ ] light oh that's [ __ ] great yeah stupid it's a stupid thing to do but it's it's [ __ ] fun

Channel: Bill Burr University

Views: 269,491

Keywords: bill burr, bill burr podcast clip, comedy, stand up, mmpc, advice, bill burr university, bill burr advice, bill burr comedy, monday morning podcast, MMPC, BILL BURR, Bert Kreischer, outrunning, chased by cop, rental car, funny

Id: KbjfQpNbtSQ

Length: 11min 16sec (676 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 30 2021