Bill Burr - How I Robbed A Liquor Store

it's this is so embarrassing to even admit uh-huh but i i i used to do things right like that like pretend to read dostoyevsky yes i'll have a dostoevsky book like the idiot never read it how old were you when you were doing this i would probably in my 20s right it's borderline [Laughter] the late bloomer we all did that i used to do i almost robbed a movie theater one time just so i could have something cool to talk about mere women that i was afraid to talk about yeah that's talk too yeah we do things you know i mean but that's not why a movie theater oh man this is a long story but like the dude that i knew uh he had already robbed it okay okay he had to rewrote it this has been long enough it's been long enough so what he did already did it i got to tell this story vaguely okay all right so let's just say there was this guy right yeah this is it's really just punk stuff so he went to a movie yeah that nobody wanted to see and he went to the last showing and he waited for the five six people that went to it they emptied out and then in his buddy went up and they stood behind the screen and they just let them clean up and lock up and then they locked up and then when they went out this is like the 80s and then they [ __ ] turned the asteroids game around and pac-man and broke the padlock got all the quarters and then just went out the door and by the time the alarm and the cops get there you're gone yeah so then he goes to me um he goes you know there's a safe in the office and i'm like all right [Laughter] i don't know how to talk to women yeah this sounds good to me so it's the same thing going to go to some [ __ ] movie nobody sees you stand behind the screen and then when they leave i go well they're going to lock the office door and he goes no but they got the ceiling he goes you just push those things up and over and then his idea was we were going to just take the whole safe because it wasn't big ah and then take it out throw it in the back of my truck and i go and then what i got because then we drive away i go how do we get it open [ __ ] hit it with a sledgehammer blowtorch and [ __ ] well here's the thing about a safe two things you don't want somebody to be able to open it and you don't want somebody to be able to pick it up and leave with it i mean the heaviest [ __ ] it was the stupidest [ __ ] idea um ever and i was gonna do it and i called it off and not even out of just this is stupid i something came up and i called it off right right and oh we would have been on america's dumbest criminal without a doubt how are we going to get up and over the door because this is the thing there was a big glass lobby and then the office was in the corner so if you happen to be driving by and watching this dude giving me like 10 fingers however yeah and then like how are we gonna get the safe out right we don't have a two-wheeler we don't get we don't have anything to put it on yeah what were we gonna do other than we were going to get caught and i asked the cop one time what what i would have got i go oh you would have done uh you would have done about three years for that oh something like that yeah he goes well there's no gun involved he kind of broke the whole thing down three to five you'd probably do half two and a half three you'd be out my i my cousin and i robbed ross dressed for less i mean rob the the no he went in pretending he had a gun he was 16. oh my god right and when he ran in without even anything happening i drove away you left him there i left him there what happened to him now because i thought cop i heard cops coming yeah right he had just walked in cops are coming it was just like it's like hypochondria and i just left him there right yeah and then he turned out when he walked in he didn't do the gun thing he just tried to steal some shoes because he had like a toy gun that he was gonna right but he went to juvie but i ran away from home i lived in in my car in orange county for a week right and then and then i called my mom but um yeah that was real scary that was my that's the last criminal thing that i had done i think it's even more criminal that you left your own i'm a power i'm a coward i'm a cow i already i already know that i own up to i already own up to that [ __ ] i'm a coward i'm weak you know what i mean we had one week you cover up the license plate with snow and then the person goes into the liquor store acts like they're going to buy the case of beer and then right as you get up to register then you just run out jump in the car and you take off so we sent uh the flakiest friend we had for some dumb reason to go in and do it yeah and he ended up chicken he chickened out right and then we every weekend we would do it and every weekend he would chicken out and then that became the bit let's just send him in there watch him [ __ ] up and then just stand there and be like i don't have an id and we would die laughing and then try to get somebody to buy booze for us so one day we were like day drinking and we were [ __ ] hammered and we were my buddy station wagon me him and this this dude and we went to this liquor store and i was like all right dude i didn't even cover up the license plate for the summertime all right go over there and do it so i'm sitting there with this other guy and we're just laughing and sitting and he goes he's not really going to do this is he got that he's just going to chicken out and we'll find somebody else it's a funny thing and then all of a sudden we just heard this commotion and he comes he goes running around i'm never getting he ran around the corner and he's looking back instead of running he's he's he's uncoordinated and he's got a case of beard he's looking back dude and i swear to god the fattest chick you've ever seen in your life is right on his ass with a pencil and a [ __ ] pad of paper so now we're starting to drive away oh oh oh come on come on i got the tailgate down on the on on this station wagon yeah yeah and he dives in and as we're driving away i hear her yell out like she's like bx 958 i got it [Laughter] and then my buddy driving is almost in tears he's like dude what the [ __ ] did you do why did you do that you said he wasn't gonna do it like he always chickened out he always said we got to get rid of the beer so we go into this it's just typical punk suburb [ __ ] we pull in and i and i'm hammered yeah i grabbed this case of b and i run up this guy's lawn and i see somebody vaguely in the driveway looking at me and i throw it under the shrub and then run away with the owner of the house looking at me that's how drunk i was get in the car we leave long story short uh my buddy's neighbor was a cop he recognized the plate and then he goes oh gee that's my jerk off neighbor i'll handle that after work and then what ended up happening was um the dude who did it and the dude who drove got in trouble for it and they didn't bring up that i was there oh so then they went to court and i was like well there's no reason for you to go because they don't know and then they they had to pay some like uh some fine conduct on becoming a good citizen yeah they got like community service and [ __ ] like that's like east coast good fellow [ __ ] you don't rat you don't rat

Channel: Bill Burr University

Views: 104,500

Keywords: Bill Burr, bill burr, bill burr comedy, podcast, podcast clips, tigerbelly, mmpc, robbing a liquor store, robbing movie theatre, funny story, monday morning podcast, bill burr standup, Bill Burr Stand Up, Bill Burr Advice, bill burr podcast clips, tigerbelly clips, bobby lee, khalyla

Id: XS6paWnC9ws

Length: 7min 51sec (471 seconds)

Published: Wed Dec 16 2020