Bill Burr - Why I Never Drink And Drive Now

you know what i was like i like reminisce about booze like i actually went on the internet and i was looking up uh miller high life ponies you know the little ones those little adorable they're like seven ounces you never heard of ponies i don't know east coast thing i don't know what they're just the little ones so they had a little one next to it they had like a shot of like bourbon or scotch and i was just like i mean that right there you know i don't need to do anything i could just be happy doing that sitting at a bar during the day not talking to any of the regulars just being quiet and then occasionally eating a plate of heart attack food and just you know and then going home and passing out at like seven at night um i do like meeting dry drunks and then reminiscing about your favorite thing to do like i i last year when i did that movie for judd and pete davidson um one of the producers had been sober for all these years and like he literally got to the point of almost being homeless and i was telling him how much i missed day drinking he's like oh yeah and he goes you know what my move was he goes i'd wake up at noon and he goes and i would get the paper and then i would just go to the bar and just start drinking and i would just read the paper and i was just like that sounds [ __ ] unbelievable then he just goes doesn't it just sit there you have no boss you have nowhere to go whatever your problems are you're running from so they kind of don't exist then and you just get to sit there and read the paper i mean i don't know kids today probably don't read papers or anything like that but that's just like i'll read the front section get into the sports look at the real estate and what movies are playing and then occasionally you know get some fish and chips or something like that i mean i don't know i like i don't i i don't need to go on vacation if i'm doing that like oh let's go to santropay it's like why don't we just find a good dive bar yeah get there i would order some apps and get after i dive bars were my absolute favorite and i did love day drinking and i would uh i would get hammered but to sustain it through the night i would go drink it with my sisters at hermosa beach the pier and day drinking and then i would just disappear and go take a nap under the pier to recharge and then to stay out all night and then be like where'd craig go and i was like i'm back you know but that was my thing and i i do miss it that [ __ ] was fun man i remember doing that one time down on the cape in massachusetts with this buddy of mine and we got so [ __ ] up even knew we we even knew we couldn't drive and this was the 80s when everybody drove like i don't know where this country lost its swagger but back in the day when i grew up people had a belief in themselves right so we were both so hammered we knew we couldn't drive so we were somewhere near the ocean and then i don't call it a bluff it was like a hill that sort of gradually led towards a cliff way off in the distance and then dropped down to the ocean it was this amazing view so we sort of wandered halfway down it was like a trail we wandered off the trail and just laid down on the side of the hill like in these shrubs in the grass like sort of that you know near the uh ocean sort of plants just laying there and i remember i don't know how much time went by but i remember i had been there long enough that i was cold yeah and i heard this lady's voice going and then in 1692 the the the pilgrims came and blah blah blah she was doing this whole thing and then as it was registering that there was some sort of tour going on i heard this little kid's voice go mommy why are they laying down in the grass [Laughter] then i got up uh it's all a blur because we were [ __ ] wasted and my buddy had got a flat tire and i put the jack under the car and i didn't put it under the frame i put it under the floorboard and it started to jack it up and then the car came back down and the jack just went right up into it so uh oh man yeah i mean and that was it was a whole summer of that i mean up from like age about like 19 to 21 until i got a dui like it was just it yeah it was just mayhem just stupid stupid stupid suburban white kid dumb [ __ ] like that oh yeah i don't know how i don't didn't get a dui because they say you got to do it at least like 600 times to get caught because there's so many drunk drivers versus the cops and uh that was 100 correct on my side the best thing that ever happened to me thank god is i got pulled over and arrested for that [ __ ] before i i hurt somebody um because you know i mean that was yeah that's just but it's just what people did it was mothers against drunk driving was just coming out and i remember part of the um part of the uh sentence that i got the community service and lost a license was you had to go to um a mother's again two two aaa meetings and a mother's against drunk driving uh meeting um so i was like like that was when i was sweating like oh my god i'm gonna have to sit there while these mothers who lost their children because of people like me they're gonna be crying they're gonna be yelling at me throwing stuff it was the exact opposite showed up to an auditorium it was a bunch of drunks sitting in the crowd like fulfilling this part of this their sentence and then this poor woman up there trying to tell the story of how her kid died coming back from band practice changing attire and these [ __ ] [ __ ] were bitching to her about their case oh my god i blew a .08 you know i drive for a living i heard and this other guy yells he goes i think there's a statute that says that you drive or there's some sort i think it's called the something sunset statue the guy's like i call it the working man statue and then the ladies up there yes so as i was saying brian was coming home and that was the thing for me as i sat there and i was like wow this is the i'm in this demographic of mouth-breathing [ __ ] morons i mean i'm smart enough to know that i'm supposed to be listening to her but still i'm way more like these people than that that person up there who has she has iraq together so that was like a huge thing where and i was also 21 so it was starting to become like where's the fun in this anymore i'm not getting away with anything now i'm just blowing money you know inching my way through college i was horrifically behind and so then after that i mean i started comedy a few years after that you know i got through college i started comedy and then i didn't drink really at all and was that a dog or something that's my cat oh look at him i thought someone wasn't enjoying the story i was like oh no no they're going to fight when i started comedy it just turned out the people i started out with uh bobby kelly dane cook patrice o'neill none of them drank and i was really like a follower so if they were raging i would have done it too and they didn't thank god and then there was a bunch of a bunch of headliners in boston who in the 80s you know got paid in cocaine and i'm not even joking and all of them were getting their wages guarded by the irs they couldn't leave the state without informing them in so many headliners i worked with started off with going you know their opening joke was you know or opening line was so i've been sober for you know such and such amount of time and we saw really funny people that you saw maybe had missed their window because of that so it wasn't until um in the 2000s when my personal life wasn't coming together when i was doing well and i was getting to a certain age and i wasn't married and i didn't want to be in a relationship and i didn't have any kids and it was just like the only thing i was good at was being a comedian and so that was like 20 miles down the road and the rest of my life was still sitting there waiting to start and i was sleeping on a futon and all that um what i should have done was face my demons but instead i met a man named joe derosa and oh me and joey hit it off now joe was only in his 20s so his behavior was fine in normal i mean i think joe was like 24-25 i'm like 10 years older than him and i was 35 and i was like well this is easier i really like this guy i love joe he's one of my great friends and where his he's awesome yeah where his life is at right now feels way more comfortable than me facing whatever issues i have so i got back into drinking and continued hurting people in my personal life and uh yeah just that was the worst i was the worst because i looked like you know the norman rockwell painting this is a guy you can settle down with and i was a i was the exact i was a [ __ ] so um yeah and then then i met my now wife and my whole life came together but then i sell i don't know trying to work this then i started selling tickets and i started drinking beer i was drinking beer and i was getting fat so i was just rather than quitting beer i was like well i'll switch to hard stuff because it's just a teeny weeny thing all of this was just why don't you just stop drinking and i didn't yeah so then i started doing that but then what happens is your tolerance goes up but now you can drink like a [ __ ] viking that's what happened and then i started making money on the road and then i was like oh this is peppy van winkles and so you know now i'm like this you know top shelf drunk so i mean i did that to like my late 40s until i was finally i got to stop this i got to stop so nice well that said you stopped yep i got arrested three times got raided and tried to hook up with my cousin so i was like all right i'm done uh first cousin [Laughter] wow yeah so i'm seven years sober i probably shouldn't have said all that anyways this is probably hey you know we all have a different bottoming up

Channel: Bill Burr University

Views: 148,511

Keywords: Bill Burr, bill burr advice, MMPC, bill burr mmpc, bill burr podcast, podcast clips, bill burr podcast clips, comedy, podcast clip, stand up, drunk driving, mothers against drunk driving, craig conant, community service, say no to drunk driving, being sober

Id: MI3iXDVTYgU

Length: 11min 4sec (664 seconds)

Published: Tue Nov 17 2020