Let's get straight into
the big news over the weekend. Yeah, I finally learned
how to dunk. Boom! Turns out you just need
to make the net a little closer to the ground. I don't know why
I didn't think of that. Oh, also this happens. CNN projects Joseph R. Biden,
Jr. is elected the 46th president
of the United States. NEWSWOMAN:
There was jubilance as people
flooded the streets today celebrating from the
White House to the West coast. NEWSWOMAN 2: Celebrations in
the streets in New York City, the Tri-State
and across the world. NEWSWOMAN 3: On the streets
of the largest cities, today a party. (singing) In President Trump's hometown
New York City... (honking) ...Biden supporters shouted out
their windows. NEWSMAN:
There were bands and champagne. -(whooping)
-Costumes and tears. ♪ Everybody dance now... ♪ An impromptu dance party
broke out. -♪ Yeah, (bleep) Donald Trump ♪
-♪ (bleep) Donald Trump! ♪ NEWSMAN 2: You had "Sweet
Caroline" singalongs and "Nah, Nah, Nah, Goodbye"
singalongs. Oh, yeah! What a day,
what a day, what a day, now. People were out in the streets
dancing, they were partying. People were singing "Sweet
Caroline," which was genius, because any celebration
that's singing "Sweet Caroline" isn't gonna get broken up
by the cops. For real, though, people,
this was an amazing weekend. It was such
a festive atmosphere. This Saturday was amazing.
Everyone was so happy. Even coronavirus was like,
"Man, you guys have fun. "I'm taking the day off. "Nah, I'm kidding.
I'm joining in. Num, num, num, num, num." But, yes, that's right, people. This weekend, Joseph
Rihanna Biden was declared the 46th president
of the United States. And I know it was tough
waiting four days to get the final results,
but it's actually cool that it happened
on a Saturday morning, right? Because, think about it.
Normally, it happens on more like a Tuesday,
Wednesday. You just got to be at home. But now people could soak it in. They heard the news while they
were out with their families, or going out for a walk
or getting coffee. I mean, one guy even found out
on the golf course. NEWSWOMAN: President Trump
was not at the White House when he learned he'd lost it. He was golfing in Virginia, driven home past his critics,
cheering. (cheers, applause, whistling) (booing, shouting) Ooh! No matter what
you think about Trump, I think we can all agree
that that is a terrible way to find out that you're fired. I mean, it's bad enough
for your boss to tell you to clean out your desk,
but can you imagine if on the way to your desk, the entire office was lining
the hallways to boo you? Yeah, get out of here, Jeffrey! Accounting is better
without you, you bitch! And you know, I think
the worst part for Trump was having to see Melania
in that crowd. "Boo! You suck! Go away forever!
Don't come back!" This is also really tough
for the Secret Service guys. Because they're trained
to guard the president physically, but not emotionally. I mean, so they
can't help him at all. I can protect you
from a bullet, Mr. President, but only you can protect
your feelings. Oh, also, uh, who's surprised that he learned that he lost
while he was golfing? Donald Trump is always golfing. That was the most likely option. If they said
President Trump learned this while he was volunteering
at an orphanage, then I'd be shocked. What does blow my mind is that Trump could keep playing
golf after he got this news. You know, I actually wonder if his golf partner
found out first, and then used it against him
just as he was taking his swing. "Biden won!"
Wha? You know, a part of me
actually wishes that Trump didn't hear about
the election until he got home, because then he would have been
driving past that crowd going, "Look, that wasn't
my best game of golf, but you guys don't need to boo." But for once, the big political
news was not about Donald Trump. So as he disappeared
into the White House bunker, it was time for the people
who were kicking him out to come forward
and take their bows. I'll work as hard for those who didn't vote
for me as those who did. Let this grim era
of demonization in America begin
to end here and now. (cheers, applause,
horns honking) Wow. I don't know about you guys,
but after four years of having to listen to Trump, a normal presidential speech
was... was almost weird. I was listening to the speech,
like, "Wait. So we're not blaming anything
on Hillary? Nothing?" And let's be honest.
At this point, I bet even Trump's people want
Biden to lower the temperature, I mean, mainly because half of them are
running a fever from COVID. Still, though, I'm sure
that they were happy to hear Biden say, "Let the grim
demonization begin to end." Although I do like how Biden
didn't say "Let's end it." He said, "Let's begin
to end it," you know? Like, it will be too dangerous to just stop demonizing
all at once. We've got to stop being mean
to each other in this country next week,
but for now, what the (bleep) is going on
with Mitch McConnell's hand? Did you see that shit? Looks
like he's got baloney fingers. But the truth is,
Biden was calling for healing, and he was promising to work
just as hard for the people who didn't vote for him
as the people who did. And after
these last few years, man, I-I think
that's a nice sentiment. Although the truth is
the country's so divided, I don't know how that would work
in real life, you know? Is Biden really gonna
try and cater to both? Because everyone
is so far apart. I'm gonna listen to Dr. Fauci, and then, of course,
I will behead him. And to reach across the aisle, I will find my son Hunter
and lock him up. Am I a good president or what? The point is, people, it's
genuinely gonna take some time getting used to speeches
that sound like speeches. But otherwise,
for Biden and Harris, it was a flawlessly
choreographed evening. Well, except for one moment--
when a confetti cannon went off, and, based
on the candidates' reactions, it doesn't look like
they were expecting it. ♪ Oh, I'll stand my ground ♪ (loud pop) ♪ Won't be turned around... ♪ Geez. That was terrifying. I don't know about you,
but when I saw that, the Black part of me
in the movie theater came out, I was like,
"Get out of there, Joe! They're trying to take you out!
Kamala, get down!" This is actually something
I think we need to address as a planet, people--
we have to stop celebrating with things
that sound like gunfire. Fireworks. Confetti cannons. Popping champagne corks.
All of it. Half the time I'm like,
"Oh, did something good happen, or is shit going down?" I don't need to be startled
like this anymore, people. And neither does Joe Biden. Why are you blowing up things
next to Joe Biden? At this point,
Joe Biden's campaign should be wrapping him
in bubble wrap and storing him in the attic
until Inauguration Day.
