Less than an hour ago, President Trump finished his third State of the Union
address. Now, the State of the Union
has been going on for hundreds of years.
I know that. But-but when you take
a step back, you have to admit, it's kind of
weird as a tradition, right? 'Cause why does the president
get to give his own job evaluation? That's strange.
Nobody else gets to do that. He's just up there, like,
"My economy, the best ever. "My military, the best ever. "My children, "eh, D-plus. Eric, Eric,
you're holding us down." But this year's State
of the Union was extra weird, because, in case you forgot, it's happening right in the
middle of Trump's impeachment. Right? So, for months,
Democrats have been saying that Trump is a threat
to democracy and a danger to the republic. But now they just have
to sit there and clap while he gives a speech. That is wild.
It's like two di-- It's-it's like you're
in the middle of firing someone who's belligerent at work, but then you get interrupted
by their birthday party. You know what I mean?
It's like, "You were caught stealing, Jake.
You're always late. "You're a sc...
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ ♪ Happy birth... ♪
"You're fired. ♪ To-to you. ♪ (quietly):
I'm gonna kill you." Now, not everyone, not everyone was willing to deal
with tonight's awkwardness. At least ten Democrats decided
that they were gonna boycott the speech, including
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. -(cheering and applause)
-Right? Who tweeted, who tweeted-- and I love this-- she was like,
"None of this is normal, and I will not legitimize it." Which makes sense. And I'm
totally gonna use that excuse to get out of any plans
in the future. I'm just gonna be like,
"It is not normal "to throw a gender reveal party. I will not legitimize it!" But for those who did show up, they got to witness
a very awkward start to the State of the Union,
where Nancy Pelosi tried to shake Trump's hand
but he was having none of it. (applause) (audience oohing) Ooh. That's embarrassing. That's embarrassing.
Now, look, either Trump didn't see
Pelosi's hand or he just didn't want
to shake it. But, honestly, I think
it was probably for the best. Yeah. Because she's wearing
a white suit. Yeah. And then she'd have nowhere
to wipe off the chicken grease that's always
on the president's hands. That combined with spray tan,
it doesn't come out. But awkward handshake aside, Trump was focused tonight, and he dove right
into his greatest hits. I am thrilled to report
to you tonight that our economy
is the best it has ever been. Our families are flourishing. Our values are renewed. Our pride is restored. The state of our union is stronger than ever before. (cheering and applause) (laughter) (cheering and applause) Oh, man. Oh, man. You know what I love
about old black people's faces? They always tell the truth.
Always tell the truth. 'Cause you can tell Congressman
James Clyburn over here did not agree with that one.
Like, look at that. That's the face of every
old-timer in the barbershop when someone says any basketball
player is better than Jordan. They're just like,
"Come on, man. "He got six rings, "and he beat the Monstars. Come on, man." Now, traditionally,
traditionally, the State of the Union
is more about what the president has done
and what he plans to do. But, tonight, Trump took a lot
of time out of his speech to show off
his player-hating degree. If we hadn't reversed
the failed economic policies of the previous administration, the world would not
now be witnessing this great economic success. My administration reversed
the failing policies of the previous administration
on Cuba. Under the last administration, more than ten million people
were added to the food stamp rolls. In eight years
under the last administration, over 300,000 working-age people
dropped out of the workforce. Come on. Really? It's been three years
since Obama's been out of the White House, but, still,
Trump is obsessed with him. He's just after-- I wonder if
he does this with Melania, too. You know? Just like,
"Remember your ex, Ivan? "Well, guess what, he still
works at Slovenian Food Locker. And I bet he never got you
your own bedroom to sleep in." And you may remember,
you may remember, last year,
Trump took a lot of flak for delivering
a State of the Union address during Black History Month and barely mentioning
black people. But this year,
the commander in chief rode in on the soul train. African-American youth
unemployment has reached an all-time low. African-American poverty
has declined to the lowest rate
ever recorded. We achieved record
and permanent funding for our nation's
historically black colleges and universities. Opportunity Zones, a plan spearheaded
by Senator Tim Scott -as part of our great Republican
tax cuts. -(applause, cheering) Opportunity Zones
are helping Americans, like Army veteran Tony Rankins. A few weeks ago,
I signed a bill promoting Charles McGee to "Brigadier General." -Thank you, sir.
-(cheers and applause) Damn. Donald Trump made sure that this time,
his speech was a lot more black. Yeah, although I do think
he went too far when he delivered the rest
of the speech in a do-rag. -That was a bit extreme.
-(laughter) Was a bit extreme. Now, of course... Now, of course, no Trump speech
would be complete without an absolute blatant lie. And for tonight's address, Trump went with an old classic,
and that is that he's the champion
of health care. I've also made an ironclad
pledge to American families. We will always protect patients
with preexisting conditions. (cheers and applause) Really? That lie is so extreme
that if Trump was Pinocchio, he would have impaled
Mitch McConnell in his seat. (laughter) Just stabbed him
right in the chest. "Muh. Joke's on you.
I'm all skin. Muh." (laughter) -Because...
-(applause) Because here's the truth.
Here's the truth, right? Trump tried
to kill protections for preexisting conditions
when he went after Obamacare. And right now, right now,
his administration is in court trying to kill it again. So him claiming
to be the champion of protecting
preexisting conditions is like the Coronavirus
being like, "I love Chinese people.
I really do! I really do!" (laughter) But if there was one theme for
tonight's State of the Union, it was Trump doing
what he does best-- creating a show made for TV. TRUMP:
I can proudly announce tonight that an Opportunity Scholarship
has become available. It's going to you,
and you will soon be heading to the school of your choice. (cheers and applause) And Rush, in recognition of all that you have done
for our nation, I am proud to announce tonight that you will be receiving
our country's highest civilian honor-- the Presidential
Medal of Freedom. (cheers and applause) Tonight,
we have a very special surprise. I am thrilled to inform you that your husband is back
from deployment. He is here with us tonight, and we couldn't keep him waiting
any longer! (cheers and applause) Okay, he might not be
a great president, but you have to admit, this man
knows how to put on a show. 'Cause the entire night,
he just kept announcing surprise after surprise after surprise. Like, I thought by the end
of the night, he was gonna go, "Believe it or not, folks,
I've locked up Hillary Clinton! "Bring out the cage! "Bring out the cage,
Jeffrey Epstein! That's right, folks!
Surprise, surprise!" (laughter) So, that was the final State of
the Union of Trump's first term, and judging by the 212 standing
ovations on the Republican side, they're loving their guy. But as for the Democrats, I think Nancy Pelosi's actions
speak louder than words. -(applause and cheering)
-Thank you. God bless you. And God bless America. Thank you very much. (indistinct chatter) LESTER HOLT:
A stunning moment here at the end
of the president's speech. Nancy Pelosi tearing up
what appeared to be a copy -of the president's speech.
-WOMAN: Wow. -Holy shit!
-(laughter) Nancy Pelosi has done it again. I feel like every year,
she finds a new way to show Trump
just how little she thinks of him and his speech. Because last year, you remember,
was the sideways clap. -You remember that? Yeah?
-(laughter) And then this year,
she rips up his speech. Trump better pray he doesn't get
another State of the Union, because at this rate, next time,
she's just gonna show up and throw vegetables at him
during the speech. He'll be like,
"No. Please, no vegetables! No! I'd rather be reimpeached!" Now, on a normal night, the State of the Union
would be the major news, but right now-- and here's something
you only hear every four years-- everyone is talking about Iowa. -Yeah.
-(laughter) Because last night
was the Iowa Caucuses, right? The first vote of the Democratic
primary campaign. And normally,
we would know by now who'd won. In fact, normally,
we would have known last night. But this year, Democrats decided
to use a new app to help count the votes, and, uh,
it has not gone as planned. The only results
from the Iowa Caucus at this hour
are chaos and confusion. Chaos, confusion, meltdown-- pick your adjective
to describe Iowa Caucuses. What a mess! This is not
the finish that anyone expected. It certainly was a mess, and some here are calling it
a disaster. WOMAN 4: Organizers in the state
cite a domino effect of problems for the delay. Several issues with the new app where results were
to be inputted. They had a-a really crummy app that, uh, screwed up
the entire thing. Right now, no idea when we are
going to know the results. So, everyone
really is just waiting for these official results... So, we wait, and at the moment,
we have nothing. (laughter) You know... you know what I love
about cable news in America-- right?-- is their dedication
to filling air time with absolutely nothing. Right? 'Cause they're like,
"We're not getting any results. Uh, nothing is happening." It's like, okay, do you guys
want to cover the coronavirus or some other international news
in the meantime? It's like,
"No, no, we'll just keep talking "about how nothing is happening. "Anything yet? No? Nothing? More nothing? Okay.
Uh-huh, uh, more nothing? Yeah?" But yes, the app that
the Democrats commissioned to make vote-counting easier
ended up malfunctioning and screwing up
the entire night. And I guess, what do you expect? I mean, the average age
of the party leadership is, like, 85 years old. Right? What do they know
about apps? The only thing
they know about apps is that you get one for free
with the early bird special. That's it. And honestly,
it's a little embarrassing for the world's greatest
democracy to have such a hard time
counting votes. I mean,
America is usually the one teaching the rest of the world
how to vote. But maybe next time
Africa should send some election observers to Iowa,
that's what they should do. They'd be like, "Ah,
I can fix this for you, ah? "Yeah, we've been fixing
elections for many years. -Don't worry."
-(laughter, applause) So... so, because of this app, the whole night was thrown
into utter chaos. Nobody knew
what the problem was. Nobody knew who won,
and eventually, the candidates got tired
of waiting. And they came out
to try and spin the non-results in the best way they could: "Oh,
we're happy, things are great, this is gonna be good for us." But one candidate in particular
took that to the next level. So, we're still waiting
for any results from last night's
Iowa Democratic caucuses. But... that
hasn't stopped candidates from spinning
the nonexistent results. Former mayor of South Bend
Pete Buttigieg declared victory overnight.
Listen. We know, by the time
it's all said and done, Iowa, you have shocked
the nation. By all indications, we are going
on to New Hampshire victorious! (cheering) (laughter) Well, okay, Pete. You're just gonna come out
and claim victory even though no results
were in at that point? That's a pretty bold move. I mean, maybe
that's just his thing. Maybe Pete does that.
Anytime anything's ambiguous, no one knows, he just jumps in.
You know, like, (British accent): "Now, nobody
knows who built Stonehenge..." He's like, "Oh, it was me,
it was me, I did it. I did it." So the whole night was chaos. And what's interesting,
what's really interesting is that even before
last night's meltdown, people were worried
about relying on this app. Right? But the head
of Iowa's Democratic Party was like, "Don't worry, baby,
we got this." NEWSMAN:
The day before the caucus we asked state party chairman
Troy Price if he had any fear
about tech glitches or other problems. Do you have
a nightmare scenario, and if so,
what do you do about it? These are probably the most
prepared we've ever been as party for these caucuses. We've run through
a few different scenarios, but I can tell you we're ready. (groaning, laughter) (applause) This is the most prepared
you've ever been as a party? So what would have happened
if you didn't prepare? "Bad news, everyone.
The app automatically changed "all of the votes
to the GEICO Lizard. Uh, so he's our nominee now." Now, even though last night
was a disaster, honestly, the caucus system
wasn't that great even before the app meltdown. It's a crazy, crazy system. Because in the Iowa caucus,
you don't just come in and vote. It's a whole complicated system
where you spend hours walking around and building
coalitions in a hot gym. You know?
It's like a high school dance without the possibility
of a hand job. -(laughter)
-And... and apparently,
when there's a tie, that's when the rules get
really dumb. There's 11 delegates
to split up, and you can't split 'em in half,
so the fairest way to decide is a coin toss. She's gonna call heads or tails. -WOMAN: Okay.
-WOMAN 2: Tails. (indistinct talking) -Okay...
-(laughter) It's... it's bad enough
to break ties with a coin flip, but it looked like this guy
didn't even know how to do... a coin flip. You... you can't have people
that young flipping coins. They don't use real money
anymore. We're lucky he didn't open
the Venmo on his phone -and just throw it up
in the air. -(laughter) What was that? (applause) So, the Iowa caucuses
were a mess, and it never would have happened if the Democrats didn't try
to rely on that new fancy app. Luckily, though, luckily...
there's another hot new solution that just came out
of Silicon Valley that can fix voting forever. WOMAN: Introducing the latest
in voting technology, thousands of years
in the making. Meet... paper-- the newest innovation
in counting ballots. It's only
half a millimeter thin, fits in your pocket,
and holds its charge forever. Paper has
a user-friendly interface for election officials
of any age, with cutting-edge technology. Really cutting-edge. (gasps)
Ahh. Available
in both mini and pro models. Best of all, it's hacker-proof, and always beats rock. PAyPR. Why complicate things. I can't wait for the future.
