BEST OF Jimmy The Atheist | Jimmy Carr

[Applause] thanks very much very nice you birmingham i couldn't ask for a better audience it would hurt your feelings that's pretty much my show um i thought a nice way to end might be there's a theory in comedy lenny bruce the american satirist was the first to say so the audience is a genius and the idea is the audience you regulate comedy you decide what a comedian can and can't say on stage because if you don't laugh at a joke it is not socially acceptable if you do then just by definition it is socially acceptable i thought we could put that to the test tonight we could start gently work our way up and see at what stage birmingham goes oh for [ __ ] sake do you want to give it a go okay well we'll start gentle we'll work our way up okay so everyone's comfortable at some stage people will stop laughing and then that's the end exciting well we'll start gentle pope benedict incidentally he's called pope benedict because he comes with a hollandaise sauce hang on that's not a hollandaise sauce benedict as head of the catholic church pope benedict is the boss of every catholic priest in the world he's effectively king of the pedos i read about a catholic priest that exposed himself so they defrocked him [Music] they don't help themselves do they well they do that's part of the problem this scandal could bring the catholic church to its knees you gotta finish that one in your own head somewhat ironically i personally i don't think the pope should worry about the sex scandal gets sorted out soon enough when jesus christ our lord and savior comes back from the made-up i've got a friend that told me she was scared of dwarves since you're scared of dwarves are you also scared of normal-sized people when they're far away if you're a dwarf and you're offended by that grow up i saw a documentary recently on channel 4 it was all about faith and in it someone went well of course scientology is a made-up religion thought as opposed to [Music] it's one of my favorite things is to get christians talking about scientology because the christian will go scientologists they're nutters they believe in aliens and then you can say to the christian what do you believe in again it's a benevolent zombie that's coming back to save you isn't it good luck with that that will probably happen well what i'd like to do now ladies and gentlemen is tell you what this show is actually about i've had an extraordinary 12 months i've had a life-changing experience i was a very cynical man and i i didn't really have any religion in my life and i've i've let spirituality in in the last 12 months and it's been extraordinary so this evening what i'd really like to do is to test i'm joking there's no god [Music] grow up unless of course you're muslim in which case there definitely is a god i'm not a [ __ ] idiot i don't mind upsetting the church of england what are they going to do hold a fate i'm sure there are christians out there in the audience now thinking if i get hold of that jimmy carr i'm gonna bloody well forgive him creationists the right-wing christians creationists believe every word genesis says i don't even think phil collins is a good drummer when i was a kid i had an imaginary friend and i used to think that he went everywhere with me and i could talk to him and he could hear me that he could grant me wishes and stuff and then i grew up and i stopped going to church well that seems to have divided the room somewhat there's two distinct groups there there's people who thought that was funny and then there's a larger group we'll be going to heaven while we're on the subject of religion i imagine there's quite a few people in here that go to mass or or wherever protestants go hell had a bachelor have you all seen the new mel gibson film the passion of the christ it's upset an awful lot of christians they're very up they're up in arms about it he's made a film about the life of christ but he's tacked on this silly hollywood ending where the hero comes back at the end does she love the little baby jesus or does she love the little baby jesus or not she's going for a week should be timer it was a bit embarrassing isn't it i don't know about you but i don't like celebrities that are only famous because of who their parents are like callum best and peaches geldof and jesus i heard a reporter on sky news say at least one person killed in suicide bomb attack yeah that is the bare obviously you need to qualify it was something about burning a copy of the quran in afghanistan i was watching it thinking i would never burn a copy of the quran because i've got a kindle just delete it don't [ __ ] about i'm not worried about islamic suicide bombers they can only do it once a hindu suicide bomber that is more of a threat because of the reincarnation oh i don't know what's going on i was going to talk to you about terrorist threat levels in this country because our government have picked the weirdest words for our terrorist threat levels you know sometimes they announce them at the end of the news the weather the pollen count and then the terrorist threat level for no reason at all and it's words that i don't understand so at the moment the terrorist threat level in this country is substantial i asked a police officer what am i meant to do with substantial he said watch yourself i said well i'm not involved do you know what the highest terrorist threat level is how's this for a creepy word imminent what the [ __ ] am i meant to do with imminent i imagine clench i mean i've never been near a bomb when it's gone off by imagine that take the edge off wouldn't it and we all know that isn't the highest terrorist threat level the highest terrorist threat level as we all know is i don't care if this does look racist i'm getting off the bus that is a massive rucksack and he doesn't need to be saying his prayers out loud i'm [ __ ] doing one where middle class guilt is overtaken by fear you know you're in trouble of course with these jokes i could face the wrath of islam which i've always thought sounds like a [ __ ] pub where are we going wrath of islam are for [ __ ] sake there's no booze there's no fruit machine there's no pork scratchings yeah but women can get stoned it's a great feeling when you get a woman you've been chasing for miles i've known thousands of women in the biblical sense and by biblical sense i mean made up women that don't really exist you

Channel: Jimmy Carr

Views: 293,261

Rating: 4.8716354 out of 5

Keywords: jimmy carr, jimmy carr stand up, jimmy carr insults, jimmy carr heckle, jimmy carr funniest moments, jimmy carr comedy, jimmy car comedy special, your face or mine, jimmy carr laugh, 8 out of 10 cats, satire, jimmy carr roast of rob lowe, jimmy carr roast, atheism, atheist, jimmy carr atheist, jimmy carr atheism

Id: 5o-Yx97UJzI

Length: 8min 13sec (493 seconds)

Published: Tue Dec 22 2020