Arin: Hey, I'm Grump! Dan: I'm not so Grump! Both: And we're the Game Grumps! Arin: Hey! Arin: I just got to the third checkpoint. Dan: Yup. Arin: I'm feeling very proud of myself— Dan: —I saw it. Arin: Um... I'm doing the best that I can, Arin: Now we're in 'Rock World', I guess? Arin: With, uh— 'Satan Door'? Dan: Dude- Dan: Woaah, bosses. I fo- Arin: Oh..... Dan: I completely forgot games could ha- Arin: OH-HUA-WOAH, okayyy. Dan: Dude, I don't know how to say it: Dan: Like- or if I should say it: Dan: I got a CRAZY boner right now. Dan: Like, I am fuckin' rock hard and I don't know why. Dan: It's NOT for Battle Kid. Arin: (laughs) Dan: I swear it's not. Arin: Look, Sivak Games. I don't want you to get too proud of yourselves. Dan: Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah. Arin: It is not for Battle Kid. Dan: Wow. Arin: Maybe for the tension that Battle Kid brings? Dan: I am SO hard right now. Arin: Oh my god dude- Dan: —Sorry. Arin: That is nice to hear. Dan: It's just— I don't— I don't understand. Arin: God dang, DANG dude. Arin: Holy CRUD, dude. Oh my God! Arin: Oh, FUCK! Dan: Oh my lord- Arin: JEEZUM. Arin: This is- fucking- ridiculous, dude! Dan: Try- try going left. Try going left instead of to the boss. Arin: Oh, sure. That's what you want me to do. Dan: It is. Arin: Well. That would explain it. Arin: SEE? I- I get 'I' from the boss. Dan: Did you like it? Arin: I have to kill the bo- (laughs) -oss. Dan: Didja- didja have a good time? Arin: (high-pitched) I literally have to do this- Dan: This is gonna be ten minutes- Arin: AAH! Dan: Everyone strap in to an episode of ten minutes of this shit. Arin: Fuck you, Dan. You don't know anything about my Battle Kid skills. Dan: Hope you're counting at home. Dan: Here's- here's a fun, uh, drinking game you can play- Arin: (laughs) Dan: Every time Arin gets killed by a giant purple flower take a shot! Arin: Take a SIP. Arin: You'll be drunk in three minutes. Dan: You will be fucking annihilated. Arin: AH, AH, AAAAH, HOO- FUCK. Dan: There's another one. Arin: OHHH, George. Dan: Down the hatch. Dan: (laughs) Arin: Oooooooooo. Arin: You do not know the passion that I have for the- Arin: Why does it have to have a fucking cutscene Arin: right before- Arin: You know you're— Arin: (inhales) Arin: OH. Arin: OH, jiminy jillikers. Dan: (laughs while Arin exhales in pain) Dan: Oh. Dan: You know what, you'd better do this with- with sips of beer... Dan: Cause if you do this with shots— Dan: I- I don't wanna be responsible for someone dying Dan: in the hospital from alcohol poisoning. Arin: Rasputin iiiis.... ready, Arin: I don't know what I'm doing. Arin: I have a hard time keeping my cool in situations of stress. Dan: I mean, there's just nothing you can do. Arin: Alright. Arin: Alright. Arin: This time, I've got it. Arin: Got it locked and loaded! Arin: Alright, and then— Arin: Huh- huh! Arin: Huh-HUH! Arin: Huh-huh-HUH-huh! Arin: Ok- okay- Arin: Oh FUCK! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! Arin: DAMN IT! DAMN! DAMN IT- STAN. Dan: I'm trying so hard not to say anything 'cause I just want- like— Dan: You to have your moment. Dan: Think shit through. Arin: (breathing heavily) Arin: How many hits does he take, Arin: I need to know, I need to- I need to- Dan: D'ya want me to look it up? Arin: No, no, n-na-n-na-no. Arin: It's part of the- it's part of the- Arin: It's part of the challenge- Dan: It's part of the FUN. Dan: It's part of the FUN, everybody's having FUN. Arin: AH, AAH, AAH! Arin: NOT the needle in the back! Arin: That's the worst way to go. Dan: I think.... Dan: You should try to shoot....um.... Dan: Like, changing sides on the platform each time. Arin: I'm trying. Dan....l-listen man. Dan: I— do you not want helpful tips? Arin: You gotta- you gotta pay attention to every little thing, dude. Arin: Every little thing is comin' atchu. Arin: It's comin' atchu like Cleopatru. Dan: (laughs) Arin: Oh- fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, oh my GO-O-OD! Arin: (inarticulate screaming) Dan: (laughing) Arin: (breathlessly) Ho-o-o. Dan: Wow. Arin: (breathlessly) Okay- Dan: Hope this episode's titled 'Arin Loses His Mind'. Arin: Ohhhhh.... Arin: Purple plant! Arin: Why were you growing in a rock world— Arin: (earnestly) I didn't even try. Dan: (laughing) Dan: We're only a third of the way through the episode, dude! Arin: (unintelligible) ...something that happened for me. Arin: Alright. Arin: Alright, this battle. Arin: Is. Arin: For. Arin: Real. Dan: Yup. Arin: I have a good feeling about this one, Arin: I'm- I'm bringing it downtown, y'know, right, Arin: I'm- I'm playing music on the street, Arin: I'm getting a noise complaint, Arin: But you know what? I don't even care! Arin: Because this is my ART. Arin: And no- FUCK! Dan: (laughing) (clap) (clap) Dan: I'm just like- watching slack-jawed in awe. Arin: (laughing) Dan: Of you like- improvising a crazy monologue Dan: While you do THIS shit. Dan: It seemed like it was helping, actually. Arin: Oh, okay! Uh- Arin: ONE DAY, Arin: I was walking down the street, Arin: I met a guy named Carl. Arin: Carl was nice because he gave me some Arin: ICE CREAM. Dan: (laughing) Arin: And- AAUGH, DAMN IT! Dan: (still laughing) Arin: I got- I stuttered on the fucking story, Arin: And then I messed up! Arin: Okay, alright- here we go, here we go. Dan: Okay, okay....here's the one! Arin: (heavy breathing) (pop) Arin: MARK MISTAKENLY ORDERED ME Arin: NINE PIZZAS, Arin: I WASN'T SURE IF I SHOULD KEEP THEM OR NOT, Arin: BECAUSE I REALLY ENJOY PIZZA. Arin: BUT WHEN I OPENED THEM UP, Arin: IT WAS PINEAPPLE Arin: AND HAM, Arin: AND I DON'T LIKE HAM, Arin: AND I'M ALLERGIC TO— Arin: FUUUUCK! Dan: (laughing) Arin: Damn i-i-it.... Dan: (still laughing) Arin: You SAW how close I got, though! Dan: It was so good. Arin: He changed colours! Dan: Keep talking about pizza. Arin: (exhales painfully) Dan: Oh my GOD. Dan: Nintendo would have never allowed this game to exist. Arin: RO-CKET THE HEDGE-HOG, Arin: WAS A LONELY YOUNG HEDGEHOG IN THE SONIC THE HED- Arin: DAMN IT! Dan: (laughs) Arin: Fuck... Arin: I can't talk about Sonic fanfiction. Arin: That's too much. Dan: Alright- Dan: Were you going to cross Rocket Raccoon, Dan: with Sonic? Arin: Maybe. Dan: —Cool. Arin: Here we go. Dan: Okay. Arin: Uhhhhm... Arin: Uuuhhhhhh..... Arin: I KNEW A GUY NAMED Arin: JESUS, Arin: I ASKED HIM, Arin: "HEY, ISN'T YOUR NAME PRONOUNCED 'HEY-SUESS'?" Arin: AND HE SAID, Arin: "NO, MY MOM IS VERY RELIGIOUS," Arin: AND I SAID, Arin: "WOULDN'T THAT HAVE PREVENTED YOU FROM HAVING THE NAME JESUS?" Arin: AND HE SAID, Arin: FUCK! Dan: (laughing hysterically) (clap) (clap) Dan: (still laughing hysterically) Arin: Okay. Dan: I'm changing my mind. I'm very glad we did a third episode of this. Arin: RADICAL REPUBLICANS Arin: REALLY WRECK Arin: MY RECTAL....R- Arin: -AUUUUUUUUGH! Dan: (laughs) Dan: Don't go for alliteration. Arin: I'm so-orry. Dan: That'll make it way too hard for you. Arin: Okay, okay. Dan: You need the not-thinky stories. Arin: I need the not-thinky stories, alright- Dan: -verbal barfing- Arin: -that comes from- something that comes from the heart. Arin: PURPLE PLANTS MAKE ME FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE, Arin: WHEN I WALK TOWARDS THEM, Arin: They say, 'HEY ARIN HOW'S IT GOING?' Arin: And I say 'IT'S GOING OKAY!' Arin: But it's not really going okay, Arin: I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO SHARE MY EMOTIONS WITH THE PURPLE PLANT, Arin: 'CAUSE FUCK, I DON'T KNOW HIM, Arin: HE'S NOT- Arin: DAMN IT! Dan: (laughing) Arin: GO-O-O-D, FUCK! Dan: (makes seal-like laughing noises) Arin: HU-U-UH, Arin: I think I injured myself— Dan: —I think you're gonna DO it! Arin: (exhales painfully) Dan: I- I mean injure yourself, not succeed. Dan: Check out Battle Kid's face, Dan: when the door closes, Dan: And the- he's just like- Dan: Oh FUCK. Arin: (laughs) Dan: (laughs) Arin: JERRY WRESTLED BEARS FOR A LIVING, Arin: BUT HE WASN'T HAPPY WITH IT, Arin: SO INSTEAD HE CHANGED HIS PROFESSION TO GOLFING, Arin: HE WASN'T HAPPY WITH THAT EITHER, Arin: HE'D JUST REALISED HE WAS AN UNHAPPY DUDE IN GENERAL, Arin: SO HE SAW A PSYCHIATRIST, AND Arin: THE PSYCHIATRIST FUCKING- Arin: GOD Arin: DAMN Arin: IT Dan: This is as hard as fighting an actual twenty-foot plant monster. Arin: (exhales like he's trying to breathe fire) Dan: (laughs)....Wow. Arin: Ho-KAY. Dan: Yup- or, that's more like a sixty-foot plant monster- Arin: Jennifer dumped me. Dan: (laughs hysterically) Dan: That was your shortest, saddest story yet! Both: (laughing) Arin: Three words is all it takes to get the tears flowin', I'll tell you that. Dan: (laughing) Arin: RECKLESSLY, Arin: I TOUCHED A CAR THAT DIDN'T BELONG TO ME, Arin: IT WAS A VERY NICE CAR, Arin: A 1978 BUGATTI, Arin: THAT'S NOT EVEN A REAL CAR MODEL! Arin: I MADE IT UP. Arin: AND I- Arin: D-AUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH! Arin: DAMN! Arin: Nothing will make me feel better, Arin: even the victory will be bittersweet. Dan: (laughing, past the point of no return) Arin: Oooohhhhhhh...... Dan: That victory is not coming bro. Arin: Oh my god. Dan: Ohhh. Dan: Wow..... Arin: (defeated) Register now at your local supermarket, Dan: (hysteria) Arin: For the rewards card, Arin: It will save you 10% on- Arin: -FUCKING GOD DAMN BULLSHIT, FUCK! Dan: (continuing to make seal noises) Dan: I can't bre-e-a-the..... Arin: Okay. Dan: O-oh, God in heaven..... Arin: My mom's a nice lady but sometimes, you know, Arin: (just groans) Arin: You'll NEVER know the end of that story! Arin: I'm MOVING on! Dan: (laughing) Dan: Your improv skills are through the roof right now. Arin: I WAS CAUGHT MURDERING SOME MAN NAMED Arin: STEVE. Arin: I talked to the police and I Arin: REFUTED Arin: That I had anything to do with the murder. Arin: The police said, Arin: "Wait," Arin: "WAIT," Arin: "Then why are you standing" Arin: "ABOVE THE DEAD BODY?!" Dan: (laughing) Arin: GOD— Dan: I think you got, like, three more chances. Dan: Holy shit. Arin: My dad really likes that I'm doing music right now, Arin: But he's KINDA DISAPPOINTED Arin: THAT I'M NOT GOOD AT IT, Arin: BE-CAUSE, Arin: HE'S SPENT HIS WHOLE LIFE WRITING MUSIC, Arin: AND I'VE ONLY SPENT A COUPLE- Arin: FUCK Arin: GOD Arin: I Arin: I....AM.... Arin: NOT Arin: OKAY. Dan: (laughing) (clap) Dan: (still laughing) Arin: Something's gotta give, dude. Dan: Wait-wa-w-wait. Okay, okay. Dan: For this one- Dan: TOTAL silence. Dan. TOTAL silence. Dan: Go. Arin: NO Arin: NO Arin: God damn it! Arin: I didn't even DO that well that time! Arin: It IS the improv skills! Dan: Last try, last try. Arin: It's a magical fuckin' golden monkey, dude! Dan: This is it. Dan: This is it, for everything. Dan: Good luck. Arin: As a child I always wanted to be on 'Who's Got—' Dan: (launches into hysterics) (bang) Arin: Alright. Arin: Fine. Dan: Alright, keep going- Arin: That's the end of that story- Dan: Fine, fine. Dan: "Who's Got-"...Not even, not even a show. Arin: 'Legends of the Hidden Temple' was one of my favourite shows Arin: of all time, Arin: I always wanted to be on it, Arin: Kind of a- Arin: Consizz.... Arin: -continuation of the last story. Arin: HOWEVER, Arin: I have to say, Arin: I'm very close, Arin: TO BEATING THE GOD DAMN PLANT MONSTER, Arin: BUT HE'S NOT DYING, Arin: We're NOT stopping. Arin: This is HAPPENING. Dan: Okay! Arin: I'm SO.....CLOSE. Dan: God! Arin: I'm like a GOD....DAMN... GIGOLO.....READY TO BURST.... Arin: AND SHE'S SAYING NO, THREE MORE MINUTES, AT LEAST. Dan: (laughing) Arin: Ah, shit! Ah, NO! NO-O-O! NO, THE GREEN NEEDLES WILL NOT be the death of me! Arin: I will continue onward! Dan: They've been nothing BUT the death of you! Dan: They've been exclusively the death of you. Arin: That's not true, the bottom green needle has gotten me sometimes. Arin: That didn't count. Arin: That one didn't- don't add it to the counter. Dan: There's no counter! Arin: Take the counter down from the screen! Dan: There's no counter! Dan: Okay. Okay. Okay. Arin: Why is there a plant here? Arin: What is he doing? Arin: What's his purpose? Arin: Why'd he have to open up when I showed up here? Arin: He could have just been hanging out, Arin: and I could'a just shot him in the fuckin' bud! Arin: It woulda been fun! Arin: NIP IT IN THE BUD, THEY SAY! Arin: That's the term! Arin: I'm getting close. Arin: WHY DO I HAVE TO POINT THAT OUT, Arin: IT ALWAYS MAKES ME WORSE, Arin: AAH, Arin: AAH, Arin: FUCK! Arin: I was SO Arin: GODDAMN CLOSE. Dan: Possibly. Arin: Did you SEE that. Dan: There's also the possibility Dan: That it goes through like Dan: Twelve more iterations of purple. Arin: OH, SURE. That's what they want you to think. Dan: Oh, my god. It's what- I think so. Arin: (resigned) Huuuuh.... Arin: Huuuuh.... Arin: (singsong) Gerrymandering politicians Arin: always get their way Arin: unless you veto their vote, Arin: In a vo-TING BOOTH, Arin: YOU HAVE THE POWER, Arin: AS A CITIZEN OF THE UNITED STATES, Arin: REGISTER TO VOTE Arin: AT YOUR LOCAL DMV, Arin: SO THAT YOU CAN CONTROL THE FATE OF YOUR COUNTRY, Arin: AT LEAST SOMEWHAT, Arin: I MEAN, THERE'S THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE AND EVERYTHING, Arin: BUT, Arin: I DON'T KNOW, Arin: I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT HOW POLITICS WORK- Arin: GOD FUCKING DAMN IT! Arin: I'M DONE! Arin: I'M FUCKIIIIN- DONE! Arin: THIS IS BULL....SHIT! Arin: RED PLANT! Arin: PURPLE PLANT, Arin: BLUE PLANT, Arin: -This is NOT...... Dan: (laughing) Dan: (snorts) (door opens) Ross: You alright? Dan: Oh, hey Ross! Ross: You okay? Dan: Oh, you missed some shit man. Ross: I was watching through the window! Dan: Oh you have- okay- Ross: It was terrible! Dan: It's amazing. Ross: Holy shit! Dan: It's been amazing. Ross: Keep it up, buddy, you can do it. Dan: He can't do it. Ross: You can do it, buddy. Dan: No-one can do it. Arin: Oh my god, Ross believes in me. Dan: Ross believes in you- Arin: I've got one more shot. Dan: Oh- okay. Arin: With Ross' magic touch. Dan: This is the Ross shot. Dan: This is the one— Arin: —Ross. Arin: —NO! Arin: I HIT END! I HIT END! Arin: NO! Arin: NO! Arin: NO-O-O-O-O-O-O! Arin: FU-U-U-CK! Arin: (from distance) FUCK EVERYTHING! (sound of Arin beating something) Dan: Next time on Game Grumps! (Arin continues beating something) Arin: (from distance)...Fuck you! Arin: (from distance) SIVAK GAMES Arin: (from distance) Go suck my goddamn dad's chode, you piece of hairy garbage! Arin: (from distance) I'LL FUCKING KILL YOUR WHOLE FAMILY! Dan: Oh, that is such legit rage. Ross: Didn't go well? Dan: (laughs) Dan: Oh, god damn, next time on Game Grumps. Dan: Woo! Ross: Why'd ya lose it? Arin: I accidentally hit end instead of continue— Ross: No! Are you serious? Dan: Right- right after you said you believed in him, Dan: he was like, Dan: "alright, I'll give it one more shot 'cause Ross believes in me" Dan: And then he hit end! Ross: (laughs) Ross: Fucked it up! Dan: Oh, god, Ross! That's what your belief does.
Register now at your local supermarket for the Rewards Card.
It will save you 10% on FUCKING GODDAMN BULLSHIT FUCK.
The Ross magic, The Dan laugh, the Barry edit and The Arin Rage. A timeless gamegrumps is made.
That was beautiful. I haven't laughed that hard in long time. Someone animate those stories.
I'M LIKE A GOD DAMN GIGOLO, READY TO BURST, ANS SHE'S SAYING NO, THREE MORE MINUTES! AT LEAST!
ROSS WINS!
Jennifer dumped me.
A Collection of Short Stories
by Arin Hanson
Rasputin is ready; I don't know what I'm doing. I have a hard time keeping my cool in situations of stress.
Alright, this battle is for real. I have a good feeling about this one. I'm bringing it downtown, y'know? Right? I'm playing music on the street; I'm getting a noise complaint, but y'know what? I don't even care, because this is my art, and not FUCK!
One day, I was walking down the street; I met a guy named Carl. Carl was nice because he gave me some ice cream and AUGH DAMMIT!
Mark mistakenly ordered me nine pizzas. I wasn't sure if I should keep them or not, because I really enjoy pizza. But when I opened them up, it was pineapple and ham, and I don't like ham, and I'm allergic to FUCK!
Rocket the Hedgehog was a lonely young hedgehog in the Sonic the Hedge-DAMMIT!
I knew a guy named Jesus. I asked him, "Hey, isn't your name pronounced Jesús?" and he said, "No, my mom is very religious." And I said, "Wouldn't that have prevented you from having the name Jesus?" and he said FUCK!
Radical republicans really wreck my rectal RAAUGH!
Purple plants make me feel uncomfortable when I walk towards them. They say, "Hey Arin, how's it going?" and I say, "It's going okay," but it's not really going okay, I just didn't want to share my emotions with the purple plant. Because fuck, I don't know him; he's not DAMMIT!
Jerry wrestled bears for a living, but he wasn't happy with it, so instead he changed his profession to golfing. He wasn't happy with that either. He just realized that he was an unhappy dude in general. So he saw a psychiatrist, and the psychiatrist FUCKING GOD DAMMIT!
Jennifer dumped me.
Recklessly, I touched a car that didn't belong to me. It was a very nice car: a 1978 Bugatti. That's not even a real car model. I made it up. And I DAAAAAAUGH!
Register now at your local supermarket for the rewards card. It will save you 10% on FUCKING GOD DAMN BULLSHIT FUCK!
My mom's a nice lady, but sometimes, y'know, AAAUGH! YOU'LL NEVER KNOW THE END OF THAT STORY! I'M MOVIN' ON!
I was caught murdering some man named Steve. I talked to the police and I refuted that I had anything to do with the murder. The police said, "Wait. Wait. Then why are you STANDING OVER THE DEAD BODY?"
My dad really likes that I'm doing music right now. BUT HE'S KINDA DISAPPOINTED THAT I'N NOT GOOD AT IT, BECAUSE HE'S SPENT HIS WHOLE LIFE WRITING MUSIC, AND I'VE ONLY SPENT A COUPLE FUCK GOD AUGH I AM NOT OKAY.
total silence
NO, NO, GOD DAMMIT!
As a child I always wanted to be on Who's Got--
Legends of the Hidden Temple was one of my favourite shows of all time. I always wanted to be on it. Kind of consider this as a continuation of the last story. However, I have to say, I'm very close TO BEATING THE GOD DAMN PLANT MONSTER!
Why is there a plant here? What's he doing? What's his purpose? Why did he have to open up when I showed up here. He could have just been hanging out and I could have just shot him in the fucking bud. It would have been fine. NIP IT IN THE BUD, THEY SAY. THAT'S THE TERM. I'M GETTING CLOSE. WHY DO I HAVE TO POINT THAT OUT, IT ALWAYS MAKES ME WORSE. AUGH. AUGH. FUCK!
Jerry mandering(sic) politicians always get their way unless you veto their vote in a voting booth. YOU HAVE THE POWER, AS A CITIZEN OF THE UNITED STATES. REGISTER TO VOTE AT YOUR LOCAL DMV, SO THAT YUO CAN CONTROL THE FATE OF YOUR COUNTRY. AT LEAST SOMEWHAT; I MEAN THERE'S THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE AND EVERYTHING, BUT I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT HOW POLITICS WORK. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT! I'M DONE! I'M FUCKING DONE! THIS IS BULLSHIT! RED PLANT, PURPLE PLANT, BLUE PLANT!
If Dan was rock-hard at the start of the episode, imagine how he was by the end...
Oh my God
"I'm allergic to FUCK"
"And he said FUCK"
I'm tearing. I hope this becomes a thing...
"And I love FUCK"
EDIT: This episode was Gold, seriously, Arin was 100/100 on this. OH ROSS CAMEO.
EDIT²: THAT ENDING.HOLY SHIT I LOST IT
I LOST IT
I'M DEAD