-Republicans in Arizona are
pushing forward with an insane so-called audit of
that state's election results, with plans to pursue
similar audits in other states
that Joe Biden won. For more on this,
it's time for "A Closer Look." Nearly seven months after
the 2020 election, Republicans are still
relitigating the results in a pathetic
and dangerous attempt to prove that it was somehow stolen
from Donald Trump. It feels like this con is never
gonna end. 40 years from now, I'm still
gonna be at this desk with the long, gray hair
and a scraggly beard, talking about the GOP's latest
attempts to overturn the 2020 results in Arizona. And if I'm still here,
you better believe Wally's gonna be here, too. He'll be old enough
at that point that he won't be able to hold
more than one card at a time. So he'll have to write
super-duper small. But then because
it's super small, I won't be able to read it. So I'll need those
giant old-man glasses with a chain around my neck. But then the light reflecting
off my glasses will blind Wally, so he'll have to wear
those square black glasses that people with cataracts wear. Point is, it's a vicious circle
and it needs to stop. Earlier this week,
for example, Mike Lindell, the guy who thinks China
and a voting machine company teamed up to steal the election
and who sells pillows I assume filled with gravel
and nightmares, got thrown out of a meeting
of the Republican Governors Association after promising
to confront governors about nonexistent fraud. -According to Politico, MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell
was banned from a Republican governor's
conference in Tennessee. It comes after Lindell went
on Steve Bannon's radio show promising to confront
Republican governors Brian Kemp and Doug Ducey about unfounded
election fraud claims in Georgia and Arizona. -I'm sure it's not
the first venue Lindell has been thrown out of. He's got
resting thrown-out face. As a baby, his first words were,
"But my friends are in there!" [ Laughter ] Bars, libraries, children's birthday parties -- I mean, really, anyplace where
you have to keep your voice down is a no-go for him.
Can you imagine Lindell as a golf announcer? [Softly] Koepka with
the approach here at 17. He's got to avoid
that front bunker. [As Lindell, loudly]
Yeah, gotta stay outta dat or a birdie's gonna be
impossible! Okay, now he's steppin' away
from the ball and he's looking over here
for some reason! Oh, he looks real mad! And, oh, God, here he comes! Run, everybody! [ Normal voice ]
The problem for Republicans is they keep running up
against reality. They lost somewhere
around 60 court cases, including in front of
Trump-appointed judges who quite literally said
they had zero evidence to support their claims,
and that's not exaggeration. A judge appointed by Trump actually wrote
in one of his rulings... That sounds like a note
your high school English teacher
would write on a paper while you argue that
Hercule Poirot was the real killer
on the Orient Express. And of course, there were
multiple recounts and audits that kept confirming
the same results over and over. In Georgia, they counted
the votes three times and declared Biden
the winner three times, which gave Biden an opportunity
to try out a new laugh line at a rally in Atlanta. -Thank you for standing strong to make sure
your voices were heard. Your votes were counted and counted and counted again. I'm starting to feel like I won
Georgia three times! [ Cheers, horns honking ] -One thing I'll kind of miss
about COVID-era politics is all the drive-in rallies. It sounds like Biden
was giving a pep talk to Lightning McQueen
and the gang. And yet,
Republicans cannot let go. They're trying to launch
baseless audits and investigations
around the country. And as we speak,
they're continuing their insane audit in Arizona,
where they've hired a firm that has zero background
or expertise in elections. -The privatized
Republican recount of the 2020
presidential election results in Arizona's most populous
county, Maricopa County, is now entering its second week. Here's what it looks like
from inside the lovely Veterans Memorial Coliseum
in Phoenix, where this sort of dangerous
and farcical enterprise is being undertaken
by the Republican-controlled Arizona State Senate, who used their power to subpoena
more than two million ballots -- just from this county,
just from a Democratic county. And then they handed them over
to a private security firm called Cyber Ninjas that has
no experience in elections and whose CEO,
through his now-deleted Twitter account,
extensively retweeted lies about Joe Biden
stealing the election. -That's their name,
the Cyber Ninjas? That sounds like the name
of a bowling team at a child's birthday party. If you just told me the name
without any context, I'd guess Cyber Ninjas
was some sort of hot new toy you have to feed
so he can grow strong and conquer the cyber dojo. And then I'd be bummed
because my wife would tell me to go out and get one for
the boys, so I'd go to Kmart and there'd be one Cyber Ninja
left on the shelf and I'd have to wrestle it away
from some old lady's hands that are weirdly strong
from knitting, I guess. So then I have to push her down
and run away with it. But she catches up to me
because somehow her power-walking is faster
than my full-on sprinting. And then someone
would snap a photo and there'd be a headline on TMZ
that says... The point is, this
so-called election audit is obviously a scam. We already told you about
how they were using 5K cameras to search for traces of bamboo
on ballots to find out if they were
smuggled in from Asia. They were also using ultraviolet
lights to find ballots they claim had been
watermarked by Trump. -They've engaged in some rather suspect
auditing methods, like using UV lights
to scan ballots for fraud because there is an utterly
insane conspiracy theory that Donald Trump watermarked
the real ballots. Not only is that not true,
there are no watermarks, but experts say the UV lights could actually
damage the ballots. -That's right. They think Trump
watermarked the real ballots. Ah, yes.
Donald Trump, master forger. I don't think he's capable
of that level of subtlety. His golf pencil
is probably a Sharpie. I guarantee you, Trump has
no idea how to watermark. Now, I'm confident he knows
how to Diet Coke mark a desk. When Biden got into
the Oval Office, I bet they had to scrub it down
with industrial-strength linseed.
And on top of that, the UV light could actually
damage the ballots -- you know, in the name
of election integrity. What other genius ideas
do they have? "Only the real ballots
will float, so let's throw them
in the river -- if they sink, it's fraud"?
I mean, what's next? They feed the real ballots
to a bunch of chickens and then incinerate
the chickens? Oh? Oh, that is next? Wow. I'm getting good at this. Because for real,
there are allegations, which I honestly
don't fully understand, that some of the ballots were,
I guess, eaten by chickens and then incinerated.
I don't know, guys, let's just watch the clip
and find out together. -A grift disguised as an audit. That is the state of the absurdist theater
in Arizona this morning. Accusations of ballots
flown in from South Korea. Allegations that chickens
ate some of the ballots and then the chickens
were incinerated. And you listed
some of the things, whether it be
checking for bamboo using the ultraviolet light. But there are other things
on this list, accusations that ballots
flown in from South Korea, allegations literally that
chickens ate some of the ballots and then the chickens
were incinerated, I guess. What are some of
the other crazy things that are being thrown out? -I mean, that chickens one is probably pretty
top of the charts. -Jesus, hearing news
about this audit is like listening
to Werner Herzog tell you about a dream he had. [As Herzog] The chickens ate
the ballots, and then the chickens
were incinerated, reduced to dust
like so much refuse. Nature taking its toll, the chickens gasping
in their dying moments. Cock a doodle doo... cock...a doodle doo. So, just to recap,
in case you're watching, this and your brain is normal and you're therefore
having trouble following -- They think there's bamboo
in the paper because it was smuggled
in from Asia. They think Trump watermarked
the real ballots. They think Hugo Chavez,
who died in 2013, rigged the election, and they
think the ballots were eaten by chickens
who were then incinerated. This audit is crazier than one
of those viral cooking videos where someone grinds up
a hamburger and turns it into a milkshake. And it will not surprise you
to learn that the people who commissioned this audit are,
of course, lunatics. And I'm not just talking about
fringe weirdos like Lindell. I mean the president
of the Arizona State Senate, who was tracked down
by CNN this week and gave an absolutely
bonkers interview where she defended the audit. -Aren't you raising more
questions by giving rise to these conspiracy theories?
-No, I'm answering questions. So, let me ask you a question.
-Mm-hmm. -Are you 100% confident that every vote that came in
in Arizona or any other state, or can you say
emphatically, 100% that no dead people voted, that ballots weren't filled out
by other people, that the chain of custody from the minute
people voted their ballots, that the chain of custody
was accurate and on target the entire time? Can you tell me that?
From day one, the entire process
has been live streaming. So anybody --
-On OAN. With cameras controlled by OAN. -Are you saying that OAN is not
a credible news source? Are you saying that?
-Yes. -Okay, I'll remember that.
CNN is saying that OAN is not a credible one, okay.
-Yes. -Lady, OAN doesn't even think OAN is a credible news source. Their slogan is,
"Okay, hear me out..." A couple things here. One, anyone can just throw out a bunch of insane
conspiracy theories and demand proof
that they didn't happen. That's not a gotcha.
When you make an allegation, you're supposed
to provide the proof. Like if someone comes up to you
on the subway and says, "Can you say
emphatically, 100% that the CIA is not using
psychotropic drugs to teach rats how to steal pizza
from humans?" You wouldn't be like, "Well,
[bleep], you got me, dude. I guess we better investigate.
Honey, I'm gonna be late. I'm starting a subway detective
agency with a man I just met. Also, I did not get
the Cyber Ninja." Also, are you just
finding out now that OAN is not
a credible news outlet? This is a network that recently
ran the chyron "Biden hiding in basement as millions of people freeze
in Texas." And look, criticize Biden
all you want, but he's not hiding
in a basement. If anything,
he exerts himself too much. He jogs, rides a bike,
lifts weights. The other day he floored it
in an electric F-150 like a grandpa who just found
out there's a sale at Lowe's. "Hot [bleep]! We're getting
some flagstones today, baby!" But that interview
is a good reminder that in addition
to being craven and delusional, many of the elected Republican
lawmakers in Congress and in state legislatures
who make up the core of the Trump cult are also just super dumb. Like, take Texas congressman
Louie Gohmert. Side note here -- I almost feel
bad just saying his name because it does sound
like an anti-Texan slur. "Look at this freakin' Gohmert
in his American flag Crocs." Gohmert -- and again, sorry -- who has been one of
the most vocal advocates of the big lie
that the election was stolen, has also lied about
the January 6th insurrection. Last year, he called
for a, quote, "revolution" to overturn
the election. And then earlier this month,
he lied and said that the actual violent insurrection
that occurred at the Capitol was actually not
an armed insurrection. -There's no evidence, as has
been said on January 7th, that this was
an armed insurrection. There have been things worse than people
without any firearms coming into a building. -Alright, first,
that's not true. Weapons were used
during the riot and recovered by authorities.
Second, saying they are worse things
than the thing that happened doesn't make the thing
that happened a good thing. He sounds like a kid explaining
a party that got out of hand when his parents
were out of town. "Look, some people
came over, unarmed." "Someone took a [bleep]
in the hot tub, Tyler!" "Worse things
have happened, Mom!" Anyway, the point is these guys
are dumb or deluded or both, but many of them are also
the core of the Trump cult and the leaders
of the next wave of Trumpism and the GOP, like Matt Gaetz or Marjorie Taylor Greene.
And believe me, I don't want to spend
any more time talking about her. But she and Matt Gaetz have been
going around the country, on a so-called
"America First Tour," proudly championing
Trumpism and the big lie that the election
was stolen from him. Trump himself has
repeatedly praised her, despite the fact that she
has repeatedly defended her comparison of mask mandates
to the Holocaust and once claimed wildfires
are caused by secret Jewish space lasers. Normally, when you hear
that kind of talk, you're at a local
community board meeting where everyone gets five minutes
to raise an issue. "Yeah, I just want to say
I think we need another MetroCard machine
at the 7th Avenue station. And also, I think we should
do something about the secret Jewish space laser.
Uh, I'd like to -- excuse me. I'd like to yield
the rest of my time to the cigarette-smoking
cockroach." [ Gruffly ] "Can you believe
this Mets team? What's with all the injuries? Oh, what? No smoking indoors? Since when, 2003? Well, if it's been that long, someone should tell
the cicadas." [ Theatrically ]
"Did someone say my name? It's wonderful to be back! After 17 years underground, I can't wait for 17
great years above ground in the best city in the world!" [ Gruffly ] "Oh, no. Oh, I have some bad news,
cicadas." "I hope it's not bad news
about my life expectancy!" [ Laughter ] Anyway, the new insane thing
from Greene that came out this week
is an unearthed clip in which she argues,
as a candidate for Congress, that she would be against
taking down hypothetical statues of Hitler and Satan so that we can use those statues
to teach children who they were. -We're seeing situations where
Christopher Columbus, George Washington,
Abraham Lincoln, all kinds of statues
are being attacked. And it seems to be just
an effort to take down history. And whether I see a statue that may be something that
I would fully disagree with -- like Adolf Hitler, maybe a statue
of Satan himself -- I would not want
to say take it down. But again, it's so that
I could tell my children and teach others about
who these people are, what they did, and what
they may be about. Ah, yes. Who can forget
their eighth grade field trip where we all piled into the
school bus with our teachers, drove down to the town square, and gazed upon the statues
of Satan and Hitler, only to realize then, after
seeing them in statue form, "I think these are bad guys!" Also, as far as I'm aware, there are no statues
of Satan or Hitler. So, does that mean Green
doesn't know who they were or why they were bad?
Because according to her logic, in order to learn
who someone was, you need a statue of them. When she watches a movie about
World War II, is she confused? "Is this guy with the tiny
mustache the bad guy? And why is he so angry? I need a statue
to explain this to me!" These are the people engaged
in a nutty and dangerous attempt to undermine the results
of the 2020 election through scam audits
and investigations, even though recounts and court
cases have repeatedly proven there was no widespread fraud. They just want to double down
on Trump's big lie so they can steal elections
in the future. It's dangerous.
It's insane. The only possible upside here
is that a few Republicans might become vegetarians
after they hear that -- -Chickens ate
some of the ballots. -This has been "A Closer Look." God's Love We Deliver cooks and brings over two million
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late night still dependent on trump lol