All The Shyamalan Movies

hello I'm a Nostalgia Critic I remember it so you don't have to poor M Night Shyamalan and I mean that here's a guy who peaked far too early was built up as one of the great directors after only doing a few films and obviously had way too many ideas that weren't thought out enough and kept getting greenlighted however as M Night Shyamalan likes to say was like it was meant to be but everyone has the same question when did the slippery slope of askness begin some say it was with the village others say it was with the happening but for me I think it all goes back to the invasion of the plot holes signs yeah I know the movie was a big hit when it came out yeah I know the critics liked it yeah I know the magazines were calling Shyamalan the next Spielberg after it premiered yeah seriously the next Spielberg you call that one Newsweek yeah I know a ton of people did and still really really enjoy this film but you don't know anything you die you think I don't know any better okay it's not well written it's not well directed it's not well acted it's not well okay so let me Enlighten you as to why this film is not well this is signs we open with Mel Gibson when his name was proud to be pleased about the title as opposed to being shamefully shoved into the and category as he wakes up to the sound of his daughter screaming his brother played by Joaquin Phoenix also goes out to check the trouble where's Morgan I'm in my dream too Morgan what's happening dogs are barking ah yes see that bland non-expressive Dead face that only a Culkin can give you get used to that folks there's a lot of it in the rest of this movie so they see that there are crap circles in the middle of their fields wait why did that warrant the little girl going to stumped corn really frighten her that much okay directing 101 it usually helps if you tell us the name of the place before you give us five minutes of a scene it's like an alien suddenly saying oh my God Houdini peed I think he's sick why don't you take him outside I'll call Dr Crawford he doesn't treat animals I don't know what to do yeah come on dog Anatomy is pretty close to human anatomy right oh that was quick Caroline I only called you folks two hours ago oh Mrs kindleman Twisted her ankle as she puts it diving for her life with a bunch of school kids rode down the sidewalk on skateboards she went down to Thornton's store this morning and started spitting on the new skateboards spitting by the time I got there Mrs kennelman had sprayed the whole damn place forgive me what I'm doing is called tarantinoing where you talk about something that has nothing to do with the rest of the story but is kind of funny and a little quirky it was very avant-garde in its day and used to develop some strong character traits but now it's just used as a cheap gimmick for pretentious screen Riders to draw a ton of attention to their writing style as opposed to serving the plot by the way I'm mostly pointless in this I don't even draw my gun in this movie aliens attacking and I never draw my gun that is ass [ __ ] meanwhile his two kids find that their dog is acting a little funny no don't run it's wrong boy stop intermediate careful dog you might get that Culkin to slightly open his eyes a little don't even get me responsibilities of emoting some animals around the county have been acting funny there's some of them violent is it a virus I don't think so father Caroline please stop calling me father what's wrong I don't hear my children the I think you missed the line [Music] ah here we go uh Mel Gibson turns as if something is wrong as he says the line I think something is wrong a witch gives the cop reason to ask what's wrong seriously directing 101 . fell on me you wanted to kill Bo so wait a minute a crop circle gets the girl going but when a dog tries to attack her she sits calmly with her legs folded and for that matter Gibson caught the absence of his kids whispering in the distance yet the stabbing of a violent animal somehow didn't catch his ear he can pick up a minute but he can't pick up talk about selective hearing well maybe it's the fact that there's so much goddamn low-level whispering in this movie that the actual absence of it seems legitimately startling like it was meant to be that night Gibson is woken up by another disturbance maybe he can't hear the crickets chirping there's a monster outside my room can I have a glass of water oh my God it's black suit Spider-Man stop him before he does a tap dance routine I both go outside move around the house in opposite directions we act crazy insane with anger making crap in their pants forcing around till we meet up on the other side explain that crazy no I don't know something like this you should just find below me they see garbage spilled over but then somehow black suit Spider-Man got to the roof again yeah so what Alien report stepped on roof and swung on swing very confusing mission accomplished we'll now go to Arkansas to put toast in toaster and slide down slide they called a cop in the morning and we partake in yet another favorite of shyamalans the pointless Panda cross so how are you Meryl time how was work at the gas station stimulating I never got a chance to tell you but now here's the thing with these kind of shots these can work if they're trying to get across an uncomfortable mood or unworldly environment but through most of the movie we're in everyday Farmland which obviously isn't that scary and these shots are done during non-suspenseful moments so once again it just serves to shove the style in our faces as opposed to actually get us engrossed in the situation but don't worry there's still plenty of needlessly slow dialogue to suck you back in how certain are you that this was a male oh I don't know any girls who could run like that I don't know Meryl I've seen some of those women on the Olympics they can run like the wind this guy got on our roof in like a second a roof is 10 feet high they have women's high jumping in the Olympics they got these Scandinavian women who can jump clean over me okay we're sexist dicks who don't watch the Olympics will you arrest something oh hey aliens 10 think we see those in this movie up science first emerged in the late 70s with renewed interest in extraterrestrial life they died out by the early 80s dismissed as hoaxes this new Resurgence is wholly different the speed and the quantity in which it has appeared implies the coordination of hundreds of individuals over many countries either this is one of the most elaborate hoaxes ever created well basically it's for real that's right people years ago did crop circles as an elaborate host to convince people that aliens were real but in a freaking unbelievable coincidence the real aliens had the exact same way of communicating as those hoaxes what are the [ __ ] odds the next day they all go into town to run some errands and we figure out through poor Exposition that Gibson used to be a reverend right after another pointless pan shot it was asthma medicine right father Morgan Hess and it's not father anymore we also get some amazingly hokey acting from this General guy after you guessed it I've had two separate folks tell me they've been strangers around these parts last couple nights can't tell what they look like because they're staying in the shadows covert-like nobody's been hurt mind you and that's the giveaway it's a military procedure you send out a reconnaissance group very small check things out not to engage but to evaluate the situation evaluate the level of danger I apologize I don't really talk this way I'm just auditioning for a Twilight Zone episode to get away make sure things are all clear for what for the rest of them what are you sucking on your mom's teeth such a weirdo Disney's Hall of Presidents is more natural than you Barrel Hess was there the day you hit that 507 footer over the left field wall set the record man that thing had a motor on it still a record right got the bad at home why why aren't you in the pros making stacks of cash and getting your toes licked by beautiful women can we get the camera off this guy he's waiting me out I think he's the alien in this movie he has the Minor League strikeout record hello Lionel 's a class a screw-up it would just swing that bat as hard as he could every time didn't matter what the coaches said didn't matter who was on base who just whipped that back through the air as hard as he could thanks person who clearly has a connection to Joaquin Phoenix though we don't know what it is and we will never see again I will not miss you it was like it was meant to be feed me for lunch in a restaurant when we come across another staple of M Night Shyamalan M Night Shyamalan he plays the man who accidentally ran over Gibson's wife hence the reason Gibson lost his faith but that's brushed aside for another scene where he hears some noise in his crops again you know for a guy who apparently owns all these fields he never seen him do any farm work I'm not gonna report this or anything you do to my crops to the news or TV or anybody foreign oh my God he's being invaded by Kermit the Frog I understand you haven't subscribed to the Muppet YouTube channel yet don't make me shove The Rainbow Connection up your ass it's not easy being dead why dad you look so dramatic I never see you like this decide to finally turn on the TV and see that the aliens are indeed Landing or just hovering around in the skies for a bit why nobody approaches them or takes them down is anybody's guess my ballet recital listen Bo this is very important everything people have written about in science books is going to change the history of the world's Futures on the TV right now we need to record this so you can show your children this tape and say you were there for your children bro what talks like this it's like a [ __ ] eight-year-old version of Morpheus you're here because you know something what you know you can't explain but you feel it you felt it your entire life but there's something wrong with the world you don't know what it is but it's there like a splinter in your mind driving you mad it is this feeling that has brought you to me whoa this image has not been adjusted or enhanced in any way what you're seeing is real it's unbelievable everything they wrote in science books is about to change okay so we're in a world where the children talk like adults and the adults talk like children let's hear some more of that jolting unrealistic talk shall we so there are two reasons why extraterrestrials will visit us to make contact in the spirit of exploration and furthering the knowledge of the universe or the other region they're hostile well if mankind is as emotionally dead as you are I don't think they'll learn much from us oh well these credible kindergarten drawings will certainly convey the seriousness of the book's intent oh and there's also a drawing of their house on fire in the book with three dead people that look like them outside my God this obviously means wait no what does this mean author knows they're going to die he met them before and do an illustration of them quick a distraction before you think about it too much never fallen asleep driving before it had to be at that right moment 10 15 seconds when I passed her walking was like it was meant to be I know that's not the best thing for a murderer to tell a murder victim's husband but what can I say I'm a bad writer this place is marked in crops and such none of them are really near water I think they like water did you see something right truly sorry for what I've done to you and yours no no don't open my pantry father I found one of them in there and locked them in uh okay let's try this conversation again you start with holy [ __ ] at your wife like I was playing a game of Crazy Taxi this would be close closer to a typical human reaction something Shyamalan like the aliens knows very little about hello Gibson goes in to try and sneak a peek but these giant aliens somehow slip their teeny tiny hands through the bottom of a door and try to attack him go with John [ __ ] and a good manicurist rather than call the police because [ __ ] that's what anyone not in a Shyamalan film would do he goes home and sees everybody continues to watch TV this video was taken yesterday afternoon at his son's seventh birthday in the city of pasofundo Brazil all initial opinions are this is genuine what you're about to seek may disturb you I can't wait to see the incredibly scary and of course original design of this thing [Music] every other alien I've ever seen in every other movie foreign forces have been assembled in countries throughout the globe I hundreds of thousands have flocked to Temples synagogues and churches God be with us all well good job to the newscasters for not spreading Panic or alarm when have you ever heard a newscaster talk like this what kind of overly emotional fear-driven news corporation acts like that you knew that was coming so the family decides to hold down the fort you know stay in the area where they absolutely know the aliens are and try to defend themselves will do anything because they seem to have trouble with pantry doors really show them a lot did you read that line out loud did did you ever read that line out loud you couldn't have you you clearly couldn't have I mean you just stated that these technologically advanced aliens these creatures that we are supposed to be afraid of cannot get through pantry doors they can build spacecraft that can jump millions of miles across space but they seem to be doors they can take these exact same spacecrafts and turn them invisible so that nobody else can find them years above our technology but they seem s they're gonna take over our planet but they seem to have trouble doors they're going to wipe out night but they seem to have trouble with Pandora you can't be this stupid you you can't I mean you literally just stated out loud why this movie can't work and what are you a [ __ ] borrow from a subpar comedy but take it scary movie three they mastered in space flight but they can't get through a wooden door you threw you did they're moving you see what you can write about Advanced technologically holy [ __ ] [ __ ] race of aliens stop come to a halt buy a [ __ ] pen tree so they board up the windows with wood because hey pantry doors are made out of wood it seems to be their Achilles heel and as you'd expect the aliens cannot [ __ ] get past it seriously I give anything to see what these aliens are saying when they actually do start their attack [Music] right here [Music] the doctor's rushed you out of the room before I even had time to see you they're on the roof while they were fixing her up all she kept asking about was you they're in the house I wanted your mama to see you first it dreamed about you feeling better they brought you in it and you looked at her and you just stared each other hello Morgan Morgan [Music] hydrate so they hide in the basement but thank God another door is there to protect them but one of them gets the bright idea to try and grab the kid from the window which causes him to have an asthma attack but luckily the father is there and manages to calm him down after spending the night down there yeah they never figured out how to get through the door but here on the radio that apparently the aliens were defeated and here's a big shock they were defeated very quickly no their tactical Maneuvers were Flawless as long as you just don't put any doors in their way they're practically invincible one bullet left however in a totally forced flashback we see Gibson talk to his wife for the last time who was pinned against a tree for dinner you love Hawks thanks for reminding her that tell Foreman play games do you love playing hi Bill you love silly you love seeing this is my way tell Tony Tim I will be coming home this Christmas yes at the time it didn't make sense but now Gibson knows that the term Swing Away was I swear to God I'm not kidding here God's way of telling Gibson in the future that Joaquin Phoenix is supposed to swing his Bat to defeat the alien now Swing Away of course who who together that the best the best thing was to beat the [ __ ] out of it no no he could have come to that conclusion obviously God had to kill a Reverend's wife in order for somebody to figure that out it just makes perfect sense oh and you wanna know what the big twist was in this one apparently the only thing that can kill the aliens is water yeah it's like acid to them one drop hurts them like crazy hmm probably should have thought that through before attacking a planet weaknesses water wood and blood instruments hell if God really wanted to get his message across he would have had his dying wife say hey this is gonna sound a little crazy but if aliens attack go get a lake house he'd think she was crazy like he already did before but hey when aliens attack that boat home is suddenly looking pretty affordable isn't it [Music] [Music] unfortunately the aliens Brave the kid with poison gas but luckily his lungs were closed due to the asthma so he's okay that's right the message of the story is that everything has and always will fall perfectly into place the day is saved everything happens for a reason which means that his faith is restored and he goes back to being irreverent gotta hand it to you God you do work in mysterious ways for in the grand plan he took Gibson's Faith away just so he could give it right back to him so in reality nothing has changed at all oh except that there's a dead life in the mix but still thank you God thank you for killing my beloved just so everything could go back to exactly the way it was before again mine is the loving supporting wife that you so cruelly took away from me but hey I'm sure that was all part of your plan to keep things exactly the way they were mine is the loving supportive wife that you took away from me but I know in your plan you wanted everything to go this way which is exactly how it was before again mine is the loving supportive life that you took away from me but I know or let's be honest here M Night Shyamalan does I'm sorry but this movie's horrible I never got why so many people liked it it's overly dramatic annoyingly slow has a real ego when it comes to its own style and of course any sense of logic is totally ignored there's millions of other toys you could have done to this movie like how about the aliens were trying to help people like bring them a cure or something or maybe there were no aliens it was all an elaborate hoax that would have been unexpected or hell maybe none of this was going on and Gibson and Phoenix were just goddamn nuts hell maybe the TV was never even on I don't know just anything is better than like water and it turns out they don't like water help you just said you're twist in the first half of the movie I don't even know if that makes it a Twist you know what's really scary about this movie that so many goddamn people enjoyed it and Shyamalan is still getting work because of it not many stars are critic I remember excuse me I got some aliens at my door foreign [Music] [Applause] ago the three seasons lived together in harmony but then everything changed when the Shyamalan attacked be the Avid jerk master of ripping films apart could restore balance but when the world needed him most he vanished several years passed and my brother and I discovered the new Avid jerk a reviewer named Nostalgia Critic and although his critiquing skills are great he still has much to learn before he can save anything but I believe Nostalgia Critic can save the franchise foreign [Music] critic absorb every episode of avatar The Last Airbender to review the movie why can't I just watch the shows again it would take too long and the franchise has suffered enough at the hands of the [ __ ] up Lord Shyamalan that's why you need to get in contact with a past life to see if any of them have seen the show thus absorbing it into your memory I mean like how you show absorb a new hair stylist oh your blood bending was supposed to be taboo like nobody should have that unlimited control well M Night Shyamalan keeps getting unlimited control and nobody's stopping him that's true now concentrate harder wait hi [Music] I think I'm getting it yeah I think I'm getting Visions From Another Life I'll just go through an episode at night it's just the right balance Avatar my new favorite show still one of my favorite channels God it it's coming to me ingenious writing brilliant characters and a fan base obsessing over name pronunciation rather than the meaning of each episode you got it critic yes Avatar is one of the greatest TV series of all time good now you're ready to review the [ __ ] up Lord's disaster Opus but wait just because I know about it doesn't mean the people at home know about it how are we gonna catch them up to speed Catera Katara thank you spoilers spoilers spoilers go to this part if you haven't seen the show yet oh for nation six is called Earth Wind Fire and Water to fire decided things should get hotter invasions aren't nice but then to break the icing the Avatar Rose to make them pay the price Katara and Saka help him to keep in the nail flying what looks like a white neighbor total rotates by their foe a young princess don't ask about a Scaro Rufio the Avatar Masters the elements flawlessly toughest of toxins are blind I so cautiously Avatar State opens at a great great but a Zulu sources Arrow deaths on a plate Katara revises him and they sing their love song to see most shit's going too long he switches on fire with his smoking guide Katara and the cat mostly because she is feeling ill because you don't want to kill but the Cowardly Lion Turtle says hold still he's given the gift to the power the fire lord Nation says go and live happily in the world let us readjust remember that it sticks the body so that is the show and it's good that you know because it is [Music] so judging by the beginning the film actually looks pretty promising reenacting the visuals to the show's intro rather flawlessly even the tech scroll isn't really that bad though how is it a season with 20 episodes can get their backstory out faster than an hour and a half movie cab the Avatar was the only person born amongst all the nations who could master all four elements and then a hundred years ago he just disappeared but sadly we witnessed the greatest weakness of any Shyamalan film they start talking my brother and I live in the southern water tribe which was once a big city food is scarce my brother and I often go hunting for food yeah way to use food twice in the same sentence Academy Award nominated writer our fathers are fighting in the war my mother was taken prisoner and killed when I was young this video bending your witnessing is being performed by siblings of the water tribe named Katara and Saka and yes the looking much wider than usual and I don't think taking away the snow is gonna fix that anyway this is curious as in the show Katara and Saka definitely seem to have an Inuit design and that makes sense their upbringing is very similar to Eskimo culture strangely enough the rest of the village seems to have this down but with these two I think Kathy Bates from North was a more convincing fake Eskimo but I'm not here to judge the color of their skin only the quality of their acting and I'm sure if these two acted so well that they just seem perfect for the part like nobody else could do it better maybe can Overlook the color difference and see past all that watch what side of the fin tracks are more indented that shows you which direction they're going I saw how long the drag skids are they both succumbed to the dreaded Hayden Christensen syndrome no one is taking anybody away please wait here what could he do aren't there Spirits here they were looking markings stop it your monotone can break glass are you the Avatar wrong but they come across something while hunting something under there it's a good movie trying to get out kill it they discover a boy named Aang Frozen in an iceberg along with his Where the Wild Things Are mascot and take him back to the Village so if this kid's acting just as bad as the other two does Shyamalan like awkward shots where people look directly into the camera how'd you get all the way out here I ran away from home we got in the storm it wasn't very smart I was just upset thanks for saving lucky I probably should get home you're not still upset not as much as I was okay seriously am I watching a school play this all seems like it's cool play I mean I know they're kids I shouldn't be so harsh but did anybody give these little pipsqueak some direction maybe Saka the funny and inventive wisecracker who always has a ton of funny lines in the show can lighten up the mood what would you do if they try taking me away that killed them all they pray the weakest towns and villages do this there must be another way Fire Nation is following us we make a wrong move they'll catch him I'm sorry did they confuse funny and inventive with constipatedly angry all the time he's the biggest dick in the mud the movie has to offer and that's saying a lot there's a lot of sticks in the mud in this movie they're on a ship we'd need a miracle to catch them I know you think everything's going to work out but I don't oh she oh Jesus boy lighten up oh coincidence that we break him out of the isolation of the sky but things heat up when the evil and Sinister Fire Nation arrives this is Prince Zuko a Firebender who is looking to capture the Avatar so he can be unbanished and get his honor back from his father the king in the show the father burned almost half of his face off here I think he forgot to put sunblock under his eye or something I'm taking it to my ship if you don't come I'll burn down this Village I'll go with you another interesting note in the movie The Fire Nation seems very Indian or middle eastern another curious Choice as the show had a much heavier lean towards Japanese in fact their skin was lighter than our main Heroes and here it kind of seems perplexingly reversed I don't want to make an unnecessary racism argument especially seeing how an Indian man directed this but I will let out a very concerned and very troubled huh but hey if you can't see the obvious similarities between the movie's designs and the show's designs clearly you haven't drank enough cactus juice I mean God can you guys imagine constantly misrepresenting characters by constantly getting their skin colors wrong shameful unforgivable atrocious so Zuko comes and takes Aang away thus Saka and Katara decide they have to go after him why well again in the show it's because they formed a strong unbreakable friendship with him they spent time getting to know him warmed up to his offbeat personality and found they couldn't land innocent that they've gotten to know so well be tortured by the Fire Nation but hell with that [ __ ] let's make it more like that stray Turtle you found on the curb of the road we found that boy he's our responsibility we should fight I promise I'll feed him and take him on walks but their grandmother reveals that Aang is in fact the Avatar the only one who can master all four elements and communicate with the spirit world aren't there Spirits here yes there are some spirits that live hidden among us sure they're watching us with great sadness or maybe that's the audience either way great sadness Zuko and his uncle iro give Aang a test and see that all the elements gravitate towards him even though this never happens anywhere else in the movie but screw it we have a hastily rushed Escape scene to fill which in the series demonstrates quite clearly how the firebenders do everything in their power to stop them here they just kind of blankly stare at them getting away but if blank stares could kill they still probably get away oh and you ever wonder how he was frozen in that Iceberg to begin with well once again the original ingeniously tied in both backstories of Zuko and Aang together and show that upon his discovery of being Avatar he couldn't take the pressure and ran away being pushed to the brink of Despair and froze himself before drowning in the storm many consare this to be the best episode seeing how it shows the similarities between our hero and our villain a sense and a half explanation here the person talking about doesn't even show up on screen told us how he left there in a storm on Napa and got forced into the ocean where they almost drowned aung air bended a sphere around them and he couldn't remember anything after that but hey hey probably should have been explored more missing also with Suki Jed the Pirates boomi the fortune teller the Warriors of kiyoshi saka's sense of humor katara's strength and motherly wisdom and any form of fun and enjoyability that the show was so good at bouncing out but it's okay because we have that guy from The Daily Show [Applause] Swang and his team travel to his home in the southern air Temple where he thinks he'll find the monks that raised him monkey ass is going to try and jump out and scare me at any moment it's kind of like my father is it okay if you tell me your name the monks named me on wait I'm wait I'm traveled all this way all this distance and not once did you ever ask him his name you know for a kid you claim to be your responsibility getting his name might be the most important step in protecting him if you do something basic like lose them in a crowd help hell boy he's my wife well what's his name starts with an A I thank you Alice I'm gonna say yes and by the way just a fun little tidbit they do pronounce the names different from the show as well my name is zong I'm Ang Ry fun this would be too hypocritical but luckily the film gives me so much more can harp on like this one after disguising Aang as a Jawa they come across a boy named Haru infinitely younger who is chased for bending stones at Fire Nation soldiers that child is being arrested for what he was bending tiny stones at us from behind a tree he dared to kill a king's dare so they Place him all in a prison of earthbenders where oh God why the [ __ ] this is the prison for earthbenders I'm sorry I'm really sorry I know it gets really annoying every single time I say in the show because it's an adaptation adaptation you gotta make changes I understand that I really understand that but It's gotta be changes that make sense guys so in the show the prison is on a metal ship where no Earth bending is possible and thus it breaks their spirit because they can't get away they are powerless to stop them here they're [ __ ] surrounded by my stuff Aang makes a big speech about rising up and fighting back where in the show it's Justified and Katara but still Justified because there's a big risk they have something to lose here it's like saying walk through a revolving door there's nothing to be lost it's like having an ice cream Bender at Baskin Robbins and saying how the hell am I gonna you should use your [ __ ] mind it's time for you to stop doing this sure enough they do start fighting back and it's about time I want to see some badass earth-bending effects brought to life by some state-of-the-art effect is that really the extent of your imagination Shyamalan is that really the wide range of possibilities that you could pull off with this scenario Earth bending taking the elements of earth the [ __ ] planet and bending it to your will and this is the poor [ __ ] ass piece of [ __ ] you could come up with okay let me let me give you a crash course all right reminder as someone who has clearly seen the show with just one one earthbender can do one that was all one earthbender in every single one of those scenes now let's see what's up one two three four five five five of your shitty ass earthbenders from your piece of [ __ ] film could accomplish shorts again we'll take that now just as a friendly reminder this is what five guys could do in that other show you claim to be such a big fan of tank and what did your [ __ ] do again [Music] your version there your version there younger today have you no passion for possibility have you no understanding this barrel of Miyazaki that you could unleash with this creativity I mean what is your major malfunction you sucker of talent and good what is going on in your head please contact me let me know let me know what the Flying Fox has caused you to become so uninspired when this stuff has practically gift wrapped it for you and just said make me make me incredible please get in contact with me critic you have to bring balance back faster what why turn on the TV and now a message from shamalan greetings I am Shyamalan I know many of you were disappointed by my theatrical addition to the Avatar franchise well I'm here to tell you that my power to destroy great art has grown even stronger for you see I have discovered how to take any performers acting ability away people I think no director is that bad or powerful and for those who don't think I'm that bad or powerful just look at what I did to Mark Wahlberg in the happening what no toxin talking but that's a critically acclaimed actor he's mastered the art of talent bending I plan to use this power to destroy the Avatar franchise once and for all how you may ask I plan on doing a Legend of Korra movie but that's a fresh start a chance to get a new audience rest assured the franchise will be destroyed forever once the Legend of Korra has been shamalized and for a certain Avid jerk who might be listening I have only this to say stand down no critic has ever been able to stop me before if you do not I will suck out what little Talent you had to begin with that is all well critic it seems that all hope of the franchise rests with you are you sure we have the right guy [Applause] [Music] so they're given some bending Scrolls by Master Mickey Mouse but Aang explains that he can't bend all four elements we should go visit some of these towns on I need to tell you I ran away before they trained me lay off the close-ups guy he looks like he's transforming into Paul giamani Christ you can practically see their breath on the lens they're so close water comes after air in the cycle air water Earth fire they decide now to finally go to the North Pole to have the great Masters teach him water bending meanwhile Commander Xiao I guess is talking to this other guy who puckers his lips so much I swear he's waiting to be kissed by him our spies have discovered someone claiming to be the avatar they describe him as just a boy we just had a trap for this person let's hope for your sake my son doesn't find this person to First wait a minute that's the Fire Lord that's the great badass villain in all this that's the fight show do your thing the fire lord was built up big time always kept in Shadow until the final season he was like the Dr claw of this show and when he finally was revealed he wasn't a monster or anything but he was still intimidating even the picture Zuko stares at in the film looks like the original Fire Lord but this this this is the most common non-threatening person you could put in this role it's like they grabbed a guy at the grocery store and dressed him up as big as dick as hell FIFA hell biggest dick is more intimidating than him he at least is played by an actor I know is dead which kind of has the ghost value so Ang goes on his own to the Northern Air Temple to see if he can find any monks he finds a villager who shows him a room filled with all his past lives and in my opinion the majority of the problems with this movie can be summed up right here see if you can spot why how did he Airbenders know you was he Avatar little one they gave me a test put a thousand toys in front of me and asked me to choose four I said I chose the same four objects that belong to the previous avatars don't see it allow me to explain you have a great setup for an emotional moment Aang is seeing all his past lives the power and weight of who he is should hit him at this very point but instead what do they do try to explain more Exposition it's a ceremony when everyone bows to me just want to accept my role as the Avatar but when everyone bowed I didn't bow back and that is the problem whether you're aware of the show or you're not aware of the show the movie is all explanation with no Humanity why do you think they waited 20 minutes of the film to ask him his name because that's not what was most important to Shyamalan the identity who gives a [ __ ] it can't be nearly as important as explaining as you know I conducted a raid on The Great Library which most said didn't even exist and explaining there are really powerful vendors in the northern water tribe my dad told me about it before he left and explaining it has been confirmed that he's traveling north it is my strong belief that he is traveling to the northern water tribe and explaining if we keep them to the Courtyard in the marketplace till night falls I don't care and you know why because I never once heard anyone in this movie saying I feel this or I like this or I wonder this there are no emotions being addressed traditional storytelling is setting up a character sending them on their journey and learning more about them through their Journey Last Airbender is just chess piece storytelling character goes here character goes there character says this Pawn to King four so in this scene that should have been the emotional Pinnacle of our main star it's just more explaining about what happened rather than why it happened so you pardon me of rather than be concerned when the Villager betrays him to the Fire Nation I ask that you remind me what you revealed about him that's worth giving any investment whatsoever this isn't me being angry that's different from the show this is me being angry that's missing the most essential element of telling any story if the character can never express any emotion why should the audience ever express any emotion but yes while we're on the subject that does make this possibly one of the worst adaptations of all time a show that created such memorable characters characters you almost believe were real you wanted to be real you wish they were real being portrayed as the most stock boring empty vessels of just explaining more plot it's about as insulting to an adaptation as you can get by God it's one of the few times I'm glad that characters I love so much aren't real could you imagine them actually seeing how they would be represented in movie form I [ __ ] [ __ ] cringe I saw how long the drag skits are that shows you how fast well that's just silly I don't sound like that I left a few days ago you're lying I'm like who are you what's your name they make me look totally stiff and humorless I ran away from home we got in the storm I was just upset thanks for saving lucky I probably should get home you're not so upset not as much as I was horrible I'll say no kidding you said it but the effects were decent thus we continue with our season one Wikipedia recap as a character called the Blue Spirit breaks and free and they fight their way out I smell a Shyamalan over long overused tracking shot coming up okay guys tracking shots are fine but when you use them for every other fight scene it not only gets old but it slows the action down it's obvious the actors have to wait for the camera to get into place thus taking a fight sequence that could be really quick and impressive and instead have half of it be them just standing around doing nothing that's why we have editing you dumb ass jerk If part of the shot didn't work or was hard to see you edit it out but here screw it I just want to show off that I could do this in one shot okay great you can do it it looks cluttered slow and Incredibly awkward but [ __ ] you could do it give that man a tediously obnoxious directing award I think it's the same one that went to this person just a few years earlier why are you doing this who are you open the gates so the blue Spirit gets him out and is revealed to be Zuko there's two reasons this curious scene was left in the movie rather than just having it cut out one is that Xiao and Zuko are in a race to bring the Avatar to the fire lord meaning one of them can cement their position forever and the other reason of course being just so shamalan can shout what a Twist ah you know that was Kevin you think my son is this person the soldiers are calling the blue Spirit yes I recognized his mouth actually to the film's very little credit ciao Zuko and iro are probably the only decent actors in This film they perform their parts well and probably have the closest thing to emotional moments this film could Muster that is before it's cut off needlessly for more Exposition now be sure to keep your uniform closed up to your neck and remember your cheek can warm you I know Uncle by the way nephew as your uncle I care for you very much oh more story more stories sorry sorry more story so Aang and the team finally make their way to the North Pole and oh God is this it this has gotta be it please don't be this is it oh my God it's even more phallic than I imagined the stories were true gazed into the Holy Grail of comedic possibilities oh my God there's too many jokes to choose from oh which one should I go with which one should I go with um this one hey what did she use for a headband a sensor bar oh magnificent oh thank you Shyamalan thank you for your unintentional hilarity you're welcome now it's Shyamalan my blood vending should be working it's no use he cares nothing for the logic of this realm so he barely follows quick critic finish the review so you can restore balance oh uh okay so in the show Saka and the princess of the northern water tribe form a very powerful friendship eventually resulting in a romance that would ultimately end in tragedy let's see if the movie does too my brother and the princess became friends right away and that's all you need yes all the emotions and character developed can just be summed up in that one sentence God shyamalan's writing knows how to cut the fat of all that pesky caring God why do we listen to all that pesky talking Hamlet when it could have been summed up with the prince didn't like his Uncle hijinks ensued foreign they do have one conversation but thankfully it's not used to develop character form a strong bond it's for you guessed it more explaining when I was born I was not awake my mother and father could not get me to make a sound or move they prayed for days to the Moon Spirit please no more explaining I shall say why is your hair white young lady you look very odd I don't know why are you so white so both Aang and Katara mastered their water bending from Bill Connolly Theoden and as you can see there's no stopping their incredible abilities now [Music] look at all that waterfly [Music] nobody there cross the phenomenal power that these two okay here's another problem with the movie the bending takes forever the original keeps the action quick and exciting as well action should be maybe two moves could do something impressive but here I could heat up a Hot Pocket before these guys do anything exciting if the opening was being honest here's how it should really go water water [Music] but with the Fire Nation getting ready to attack in the Water Tribe ready to defend themselves [Music] with a call that lures them into a false sense of hilarity Aang tries to figure out a way to fight them off without killing anybody as it's not the Monk's way it's where I can meditate there is a very spiritual place so he comes across the moon Spirit who's disguised as a fish yeah that wasn't the best explained in the show either but Aang meditates to fix I have to get back I'll take you I'll stay with him um Katara doesn't seem like the best person to look after him I mean don't get me wrong in the other version it made sense she had a kind mature heart but also the focus is trying to kick some ass and several awesome scenes nobody in their right mind would dare cross her but in the movie she push the guy [Applause] well maybe she'll finally be allowed to show her real strength when Prince Zuko comes and tries to take Aang away and seeing how she made it very clear how Angus her responsibility she's gonna do everything in her power to make sure nothing happens to him self Katara and Saka as useful as no smoking signs in college but Aang wakes up and escapes to go through the most masterful approach possible reenacting a Tom and Jerry routine but things go awry when Xiao finds the moon spirit and kills it destroying not only the moon but the tribe's barely impressive water bending we have been anointed by the moon spirit he gave me life when I was a child still a chance but since the princess was given part of the spirit to save her she sacrifices her own life in order to put the moon Spirit back in its place [Music] I can hardly explain what I'm seeing John but the moon just came back this results in Xiao getting axed Slumdog Millionaire returning to his uncle Aang raising the ways to scare the rest of the army off by the way for someone who can't kill I don't think these guys made it out okay and a 2B continue that thank Jesus will never be continued you must stop the avatar from mastering Earth and fire you must give us the time to get to that day [Music] do you accept this unspeakably important task I'm putting in your hands I do father thank you yes I am sure as you'll join the Super Mario Brothers Skeletor Buckaroo Banzai The Golden Compass and bison's hand in that incredible sure to happen sequel what a piece of [ __ ] it's not working the review isn't hurting him don't you have anything else not really no don't do something yeah [ __ ] too late spent shamalized hi guys I just want to stand directly in the middle of the shot and stare blankly into the camera oh no YouTube critic it's not too late get in contact with your other life meditate he'll come to you as a spirit animal quickly there's no time okay I'll try he was experience a [ __ ] this is my spirit animal God why did I write this world so convoluted okay whatever hi hi what do you want I need to know how to defeat the Shyamalan um I don't know what do you mean you don't know I don't know Avatar was weeks ago I'm reviewing Legend of Korra now really how's that that's okay but it's no Avatar I guess we get down to it there can really only be one Avatar I met I got it I got it I know how to restore balance to the franchise oh thank you platypus buddy it's Doug actually platypus buddy you've saved the world I'm walking there that's the whole name there I'll always remember you platypus body God why did I read you so stupid [Music] wait a minute guys I figured it out I know how to save the franchise how do nothing you're right we got the wrong guy I blame myself you should no you don't understand the franchise was never out of balance to begin with the movie is awful the acting is Awkward the writing Beyond lazy and it fails both trying to be a faithful adaptation and a standalone movie but it could never be a standalone movie because there's only one Avatar the series it was perfectly paced perfectly performed perfectly animated it was that rare anomaly that chances are could never be recreated and there's no reason to change it it's like trying to make an opera by Mozart better you can't do it every note is where it needs to be I'm sure there'll be different adaptations in the future the same way people did with Looney Tunes or other Timeless characters but the point is the original characters are still Timeless characters and nothing anyone can do can change that if anything the bad adaptation makes us appreciate the original material even more so you can do whatever you want to the franchise because no matter what nothing can take away or make any better what's already perfect well that's great critic but yeah still gonna do evil things oh right right hmm how would an avatar series end this [Music] um they use as Machina hey wait are you last airbendering or Legend of Korra Aang I don't care wait I thought Aang wasn't allowed to kill whatever of course I understand what he's saying don't get too offended at all the changes made as long as you still have the original to enjoy right well maybe sometimes the best way to keep balance is to realize that balance is already being kept enjoy your incredibly awesome show and enjoy hating your incredibly awful movie [Music] what is your day subscribe fear is not real the only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future it is a product of our imagination causing us to fear things that do not at present or may not ever exist that is near insanity do not misunderstand me the danger is very real fear is a choice well Dad can't I choose not to be in a Shyamalan movie tonight now get your stupid space suit on Jaden just like being in Karate Kid with no karate I heard that [Music] [Music] [Music] [Applause] hello I'm the steps remember it so you don't have to today we take a look at dolls that one not that one oh boy oh come on the flying with Dinosaurs so let's take a look something important to keep in mind this time around is unlike his other films Shyamalan is not entirely to blame for this one Will Smith's son Jaden what's something of a rising star so to cement his status will took it upon himself to write a story starring his son that would hopefully lead to a Sci-Fi franchise there was just one problem that sucked that is correct oh it sucked all right it was reported that this film started out as number one on opening date but word spread so fast that it slid down a slot the next day and was so bad that slipped down another slot the next yep the film was so bad that the public felt a civic duty to alert as many people as quickly as possible about its horribleness but like I said even though the movie has Shyamalan seal of horrendousness you can't ignore the ego hand job that the Smith family is obviously giving itself for example get a load of Will's intro over Jaden's narration I've heard stories of Earth a paradise until we destroyed it the founding of the United Ranger core one thousand years ago was a global Military effort an evacuation of Earth dude what's with the accent what's your mother Matthew McConaughey the aliens released the Ursa oh yeah quick side note did we forget to mention there's aliens in this world there's aliens in this world quite pointlessly to be honest as we never see or find out anything about them hell we don't even know what they're called they're just referred to as aliens it makes sense if they had them be the ones that destroyed the Earth but then we couldn't get our man anal [ __ ] environment message that I'm sure this film is the first one to introduce technically blind the Ursa sees humans based on the pheromones we secrete when threatened they literally smell our fear so they are so wait a minute they named the pets of the aliens but not the aliens themselves Jesus guys start wiping the human race out but then a Lone Hero writes himself into the story and that answer came in the form of the Prime Commander Savage I'm sorry what was that totally run-of-the-mill average name again the prime command is Savage was Lieutenant man awesome already taken look at this shot it's like the penis compensation of introductions the Hummer pickup truck and convertible all roll into one he's believed to be so completely free of fear that two and Ursa he is invisible will ever everybody already wants to be you you don't need to build yourself up like this this is like Hugh Hefner trying to convince us he can shoot lasers from his eyes there's just no need we're [ __ ] jealous enough so in the Nova training grounds we see a young group of students wearing the same skin type jumpsuits that are pretty much worn in every [ __ ] Future movie don't pass him that's Will Smith's kid [Music] your test scores are very impressive in the classroom you are an outstanding Ranger but in the field you collapse um how you never showed us an example of that I'm not advancing you Jesus I said this a million times Shyamalan show don't tell or at least have what you're showing match up with what you're telling based on the two seconds from what we've seen how is he not performing well is it because he cut in line while running I think Connecticut course could clear that right up we then see Cipher rage come home to a world so clearly technologically advanced that apparently they need rubber bands on their Chopsticks I was not Advanced to Ranger you will not advance to Ranger I was not Advanced to Ranger sir as you can see Cypher rage that will never not be funny is a man who has built his life around having no emotion so he can defeat the enemy and Sev for this very strange out of nowhere spaz out are you asking me or telling me may I go to my room sir do not sit down it's weird because he doesn't act like this at even in scenes where he should be angry he plays a very Bland and dull most of his performance is like watching the dead corpse of Mr Potato Head yet for some reason he blows up here may I go to my room sir do not sit down you will not make me have an emotion in a Shyamalan film again just love how a random act of no reason or logic suddenly looks futuristic as long as it's a hologram I mean what is she doing we have no idea but it's all sciency and [ __ ] so I guess we're never supposed to question it hey Tamara what you doing I'm just pointlessly waving my hands in front of these shapes is it a game or no no just pointlessly waving my hands in front of these shapes oh the future [Music] visit to utos flying tomorrow supervising training and after it's completed I'm announcing my retirement well clearly you've retired from this performance so I think it'd be a very smooth transition maybe I'll work with you a boy in there is trying to find you he's feeling boy I'm sorry I've seen pet rocks that feel more than this kid has so being a feeling boy with a father who wants his family back they decide to finally look the issue in the eye and confront it even if it takes hours thank you bags you're coming with me to a fetus good talk there son next week we'll talk about the death of your kitten oh did I forget to mention that he's dead so before getting on the Blackbird they're approached by a soldier who Cipher rage apparently saved in War I was on the plateau saved me and four others I just came from seeing my baby girl's face for the first time as you see it's bought no emotional impact whatsoever stand me that won't be necessary Ranger didn't stand me up will could you explain why in your story a man who can still use one leg is in a wheelchair when clearly he should just be using crutches do not okay okay some while on the ship Jaden walks through a toothbrush door because you know the future as it seems they trapped an Ursa on the ship authorized personnel only might want to go easy on him Sarge that's the prime Commander's son right there oh well in that case I better scare the living [ __ ] out of him maybe it'll give me a promotion you've got his feeling with a gentleman right now whether know it or not your heart's been first getting a little harder to breathe a neurobiological system telling it to run you need are you close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination but Daddy senses a great disturbance in the doll what's the last known position of the closest asteroid storm 2 000 kilometers to starboard at plus four five declination I detected graviton vibrations in the hall how graviton buildup could be a precursor to mass expansion you know I'm on Star Trek have no idea what they're saying but at least at least some idea what they're saying you sound like a Will Smith GPS to put on weight could set the thing off that storm could be on us in minutes expansion is one in a million let's just hold course and hope I'm wrong so just to go over our choices it's either alter the course slightly or risk every single person's life on this ship well the buttons all the way over there as you can see I've been trained to emotionally detach myself from any intense situation just don't ask to leave the table before finishing dinner I will deny you so if they find the nearest Planet to land on which is of course Earth as the ship is split completely in half and everything inside is almost totally destroyed except for our hero who somehow doesn't have a single solitary scratch on it huh [Music] uh let me translate this scene for those of you who don't speak Shyamalan it's my directing what the hell is that thing even supposed to do ziplock your child actor so they don't become even more spoiled the future oh don't worry kid Papa Smith won't leave anytime soon yeah that's he just happens to be the only other person who survived this crash what a [ __ ] coinkydink the back of the ship is gone range is gone off Mastodon Triceratops with both his legs broken he tells his son that he has to do daddy a salad by traveling all the way across a [ __ ] ton of what the hell to set off the emergency Beacon every single decision you make will be love or death everything on this planet has evolved to kill humans with all that nasty Wildlife out there he gives his son the best Firearms a futuristic Soldier would have take my Cutlass or a double-edged steak knife um well again I hate to keep bringing this up but can you tell me why a future obviously filled with the SE high-tech laser guns has a kid-friendly version of a Klingon sword as the only weapon to fight against giant killer animals do not yeah okay built in this present moment now so inspired by his father's strong words nothing can stop this determined motivated machine of Bravery except the spider what happened I'm fine oh yeah this is gonna go great [Music] but it doesn't take long for Jaden to find trouble my suits turned black I like you but I think it's something bad sorry that line was so stupid Delayed Reaction what I like you but I think it's something bad who the [ __ ] cares if you like it kid what are you Coco Chanel I think that might actually be the dumbest thing Shyamalan has ever written and that's saying a lot I like you but I think it's something bad [ __ ] fashion is not a priority here does Shyamalan think that most soldiers bring wardrobe appeal into their combat scenarios Soldier what is your status and outnumbered sir what kind of garments are they wearing Soldier fashionably outdated VP cam boots sir is there camouflage from the ranger Joe catalog or the Roscoe catalog Ranger jokes sir don't they know that Ranger Joe installed last season please tell me your top combats their blase fashion sites sir I've got on a black SWAT vest and a black standard issue top what about the bottom Soldier I got a beautiful bohemian Banana Republic skirt with a pair of wonderful flower shoes do the shoes match yes they do sir ah good for a second there I thought we were going to be underdressed I can't but Alicia died backless so it turns out the suit he likes senses danger danger in the form of bloody baboons who not move recognize your power this will be your creation you know will you could give the Epic talk a little break and maybe speak a bit simple like don't throw rocks at them don't encourage them to get reinforcements don't make noise while swinging your [ __ ] stick and don't run away enticing them to chase you I'm just saying it might work better if you don't speak trailer ease Hill runs them despite how clearly slow he is and that they always just look a few steps behind him and he does it just in time to listen to I know you're excited for this more bland dialogue I'll go for my Cutlass shoots his pincer right through my shoulder next thing I know we're over the cliff falling 30 meters I am so sick of this Shyamalan speak the slow talking the Blank Stare the fact that nobody ever uses any goddamn contractions we are all telling ourselves a story I am dedicated this will be your creation we were not alone you do not know you cannot believe do not move and he does not need a commanding I do not misunderstand me why are you afraid of the apostrophe what did the apostrophe ever do to you did the apostrophe kill your family did the apostrophe have you co-sign on a loan that you knew you couldn't pay back tell me Shyamalan tell me so I can finally start [ __ ] understand the stupid dumbass [ __ ] that you put in your movies God is so terrible Cadet you will get through this movie I'm trying Will Smith but you just chose the dumbest dumbest or that you could for this project God help me get through this it's all right Cadet I know the story is a young adult book for five-year-olds I know it's directed by the most egocentric Fox since Brett Ratner but you will get through this movie but it's so hard Will Smith you just made it so stupid all right take a knee run you live at least for a while and dying on your bed many years later but would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance just one chance to come back here and tell your enemies that they may take our lives that's Braveheart what Braveheart you're quoting Braveheart the night is dark it's just before the dawn it's the Dark Knight do or do not at Star Wars do unto others the Bible Do Wah Diddy that's gibberish two plus two that's basic math you have nothing original to offer do you you are every wise tough Mentor that has ever existed in anything ever aren't you how about this one two eggs a cup of sugar a half a cup of butter that's a recipe for cake yeah I got nothing leave the story to the storytellers wait I have two other kids to promote nepotism right [Applause] [Music] so Jada makes his way to a cliff which he thinks he can manage through but Cypher rage okay I'm just gonna have a puppet me say it because it's the only way to fully embrace the Ridiculousness of it but safer right thinks it's too dangerous for him to jump abort mission return to the ship no dad the hell was that no dad what did Christopher Walken go through puberty backwards no dad no dad you wouldn't give any other range of that order you are not a ranger you're wrong I'm not a coward go to Cowan you hear that audience I don't need an adult to get me through a movie unless it's Jackie Chan piano reads on my own freaking dad twice he jumps off gliding through the air until a Giant Eagle picks him up and feeds him to her Young who apparently doesn't believe in cutting up her food [Music] but because pacing is an urban myth in this movie a group of mountain lions immediately attacks after he wakes up no they were trying to eat me even though he tried to save them the Lions killed all the baby chicks which means dinner for one I guess [Applause] laughs or she just lets him go hmm what was that line from earlier again if every planet has a phone unless it's kind of ethically taboo I mean come on these animals have appearances to keep up screw years of survival Instinct and Primal hunger if workout around that this Eagle killed a food source that unsuccessfully saved her kids well she just get today looks at her book club Jaden puts a raft together after losing communication with his father and starts dreaming about his sister whose death he felt like he caused years ago when he was auditioning for the role of Annie I was just about to come out that day no you weren't but he did the right thing why couldn't you ghost you are aware you're asking that question to a ghost right now you gotta get up I memorized some of Moby Dick get up all that most mad ends in torment wake up stirs up the leaves she's a two-face like the Batman villain if that helps you as soon as he wakes up he finds that his warm summer within seconds is transformed into a deadly winter please in Chicago we call that Thursday he seems done for until something seems to pull him into a warm spot as the winter melts the next morning somehow not killing any of the green plant life can I get a that's what I thought he takes a gander at who came to his rescue oh I guess the eagle cared so much about being morally cleansed that she gave up her years of Natural Evolution that would adapt to the cold that occurs every night we appreciate your heroic totally nonsensical sacrifice he finally comes across the ship where he discovers the emergency Beacon but even more important more goddamn Sharpie things thank God this ship had no firearms whatsoever in case their giant man killing alien Beast escaped oh look they're giant man killing alien Beast escaped to make matters worse the beacon doesn't seem to work unless it's on higher ground and his father safer rage is hoping he'll figure that out but seeing how he can now see him but can't communicate with him what does he use to point him in the right direction the commonly known psychic connection between Father and Son the peak fire the beacon from the peak of that mountain okay I guess you could claim this is all coincidence that his son just happened to take a knee when his father said it just happened to notice the mountain when his father said as well but come on we all know they're pushing some sort of bond that's connecting them across Hills and Valleys to keep helping him on his quest why don't you just put little wings on the bastard and have him go look hey hey look look hey so he climbed the giant volcano to get a better signal but is attacked by the Ursa who seems to just be a more cartoony version of the bug from Men In Black Jayden makes it to the top of the mountain but the Ursa catches up and thus Jaden finally gives in to what every Shyamalan actor eventually has to give into surrendering all emotion thank you I have been shamalized I show a motion to none but more importantly care not for what anybody thinks about my work that is the Shyamalan way Will Smith does his interpretation of the audience's entrance [Music] so the beacon is sent an emergency team is sent the movie takes a minute to buffer and his father turns out okay [Music] yeah General I said stand me up oh look it's just like that earlier scene with that guy who we now clearly realized was only in the movie to give us this scene like that earlier scene with that guy well wasn't that so cleverly woven in dead I want to work with Mom why do all my kids who film something with me say that and that was after Earth better known as Shyamalan bomb number five I'll give it credit that it's not as bad as some of his other films I mean at heart it could actually be an entertaining kids story and I think Jaden Smith could pull off a good performance if he had a better script he's certainly done it in the past but this is certainly not the performance and this is certainly not the script it reduces one of the coolest actors ever to a lifeless onion ring it looks and sounds like every sci-fi film you've seen in the past 20 years and just like most Shyamalan films the pacing acting and writing are all pretentious nonsensical and dull as [ __ ] it makes no sense it's not interesting and half the ideas in it are just freaking insane especially that scene with the father-son bond I mean how did that add up at all go to the until all your fans that the movie was great damn it Will Smith were not even fathering Sons so even by your movies logic how does this make any sense through the magic of contrived Shyamalan twists for you see I am your father no you're not brother nope sister you puppy not a person French vanilla now you're just naming coffee creamer fine I'm really Shyamalan oh damn it am I really so predictable how are you even here I killed you two times I'm Shyamalan nothing with my name on it makes any sense if you want continuity go watch a linkara video why does everybody keep on hiring me all of my work is [ __ ] why does everybody keep on hiring me all of my work is [ __ ] [Applause] hey Malcolm hey critic did you know one third of the world's oranges are grown in Brazil what an odd thing to say I guess it's my Quirk oranges the review now [Music] those who believe it or Tamara why are you spewing that sloppy unfocused philosophy I hear you Whispering plan on stealing something why is nobody talking right today plan on murdering me in my sleep what no wait a minute it's affecting me now around 85 percent of oranges are produced for juice oranges are domestic as you know the world is filled with people who do not understand the ramifications [Music] oh my God I know what this is I know what's going on here this is amazing what a camera we can all get obnoxiously close to as you know I should have seen the warning signs the bad monotone acting the dialogue that makes no sense whatsoever and Europe loving all of this for some reason we'll be next if I'm not careful all of us could end up like the actors from The Happening based on a title so lazily vague that the film does everything in its power to justify it there's something happening in a few States will this really be happening whatever's happening is happening population it's happening happening happening happening The Happening is garnered a reputation as one of the most entertainingly bad movies ever made yep right up there with the room Troll 2 and give it time for years we've made references to this train wreck but have never given it a full review analyzing why it's so bad it's actually kind of amazing so let's take a look to figure out what how and well we'll never figure out why it's Shyamalan this is The Happening it starts off in New York as two women do what Shyamalan thinks two women do read a book at the same time I forgot where I am you're at the place where the killers meet to decide what to do with the crippled girl that's right good thing I was reading the exact same sentence as the crowd suddenly realizes they're on The Truman Show where well that's what I would do would do it just down the street doesn't seem to be much better Christ Mackenzie film oh no not poor Christ Mackenzie but it's raining men as everybody's apparently committing suicide or having a hell of a time catching roadrunners this leads us to our main character Elliot played by Mark Wahlberg look I don't know if you guys have heard about this article in the New York Times about honeybees Vanishing if you have not burst out into laughter yet from the mere delivery of that line then you are watching the greatest drama you've ever seen in your life no seriously where's the Real Performance that can't be for real it's scary huh I mean this is Mark Wahlberg a pretty damn good actor but I'm not kidding he does the whole performance like this it's like he's on a 2AM infomercial look I don't know if you guys have heard about this article in the New York Times about honeybees Vanishing scary huh well now you can track him down with our new honeybee tracker order now and you'll also receive a free Sam wow as we quickly discover he's not that great a teacher either Jake you don't have an opinion it should be more interested in science Jake you know why it'll make you talk like Luke Skywalker of his whininess levels were pushed to 20 because your face is perfect now if you were interested in science you would know facts like the human nose and ears grow a fraction of an inch each year to a perfect balance of features now might not look so perfect five years from now take an interest in science yes take an interest in science after I literally insulted your face hey Susie you interested in science well that's because you're a [ __ ] in typical Shyamalan style she comes up with the laziest answer worded in a way that's trying to sound important an act of Nature and will never fully understand it and that's how you got a D in this class kid nice answer Jake all right nice answer Jake and science will come up with some reason to put in the books I mean we will fail to acknowledge that there are forces at work beyond our understanding yeah great science Something Something Magic like all great Scholars he acknowledges that science is just a temporary solution for the real answer which is just shrinking your arms saying I don't know the dark lord don't look into her eyes [Music] principle what can we do for you well you can clear out your desk [ __ ] what do you think I'm gonna say after that so all the teachers are forced to abandon their students typical protocol as they're all gathered in one room to be told about the crisis sweeping America Central Park was just hit by what seems to be a terrorist attack it's some kind of Airborne chemical toxin that's been released in and around the park there appears to be an event happening that's a tragedy or an emergency an event is a sale at Target you know for teachers you're not very good Central Park it's kind of odd yeah terrorists rarely go after landmarks with lots of people this means all the students are let out early what are the rules of scientific investigation identify variables design and experiment careful observation and measurement interpretation of experimental data Jesus twice and don't forget to recite the first two chapters of Moby Dick call me Ishmael some years ago precisely she's hysterical so while Wilbur's friend played by John Leguizamo establishes his strange Quirk being his mother threw some figures at it told her the probability of something happening in Philadelphia is very low hey you stand out now we're introduced to Alma played by Zooey Deschanel is she leaving you I didn't say that it's just talk okay just relax please oh no we're at that Shyamalan stage where critic as you do no it's bad we're having trouble in our relationship we fear we'll never be a couple again no no that's just a Shyamalan talking he always has a couple that's going through problems but it's obviously gonna get together in the end pretty serious we're having some incredibly vague problems that only a supernatural event can fix quiet just stay in there try to use logic and for the love of God don't be quirky but quirky is charming no Jim it's awkward awkward there's 600 varieties [Applause] as you'd imagine Deschanel's acting is about as bad as everyone else is but there is a certain alien freakiness about her facial expressions yeah she looks like this throughout the entire film it's like in every shot she realized she [ __ ] her pants and she wants nobody to realize it [Music] [Applause] [Music] thank you her delivery isn't much better either it makes you kill yourself it's when you thought there couldn't be any more evil that could be invented how do you even direct somebody to say a line that way alright Zoe I want you to act like you're deaf but in saying this line you're hearing yourself for the first time and you don't enjoy what you sound like it makes you kill yourself when you thought there couldn't be any more evil that could be invented there was definitely a thing so Wahlberg says he'll meet Deschanel and Leguizamo at the train station where's Helm restroom hey Julian why the hell did you shoot it like that were you trying to make her look like a stalker Julian hey Thelma how you doing typical seven-year-old response hanging in there still looking for a job got those bills to pay it's hard being a single mother so while on the train they're being told that the Panic is spreading you okay they see Boston got hit too did you hear that a friend from work what about a vet Christ that college girl who took theater as a blow-off class is acting better than you the train stops suddenly as it looks like they're kicking everybody off what do you mean where are we Philbert Pennsylvania does anybody know where that is hey why would you just stop you know if you could take the whining of a dog and convert it into a language it beat this performance at a time sorry she Whispers to us when she gets scared we're so much the same Jess I don't like to show my emotions either yet to cool Wahlberg from earlier duh with the capital and the danger still seems to be spreading as one man says Farewell to Arms in the Lion's Den Mother of God what kind of terrorists are these they're such hairy and yellow Terror Rich they must be from the land of Oz so everybody takes off as the virus seems to be right in their neighborhood and Lake wazamo decides to leave his daughter with Wahlberg so he can go back for his wife because things always turn out well for people who do that right she's gonna be a life safer with you I have to go I got her Julian take my daughter's hand unless you need it oh I'm sorry why don't you find another couple to look after the daughter you're lovingly abandoning you're welcome [ __ ] there's a car very good Zoe now can you tell which one's the plane so Wahlberg's gang gets a ride with a guy who runs a plant nursery poorly located next to a nuclear power plant why do I get the feeling this is all streaming from there Mr Birds I'm afraid I caused a happening tripped in an end ing either of them they're collecting a few things before they go when this bit of strangeness is said we're packing hot dogs for the road you know hot dogs get a bad rap got a cool shape they got protein if you like hot dogs right brought to you by Hot Dogs want to be less cautious about where your meat comes from the chicken McNuggets hot dogs I think I know what's causing this you do it's the plants wait what it's the plants they can release chemicals wow that's actually the twist of the movie It's plants I know it seems like I'm giving some stuff away early here but the movie is giving some stuff away earlier here so what do I care we're not even one-third into the film and you already gave away the big twist you like hot dogs don't you followed by that the film 101 I think most people know this you don't give away the twist before you give away the twist you wouldn't open citizen came with it's a sled it's kind of a no-brainer critic as you know we think we know what's caused this channelization okay what the walls no we're not doing that as you know it makes a lot of sense if they use lead paints no even for a parody we're not doing that you know oranges typically contain 10 segments maybe one of them contains generalization fine make a connection to that but we're not doing goddamn walls how are we supposed to make oranges The Twist I don't know what the freaking Giving Tree could be an antagonist in a movie Why can't oranges now get cracking you guys like oranges right [Applause] [Music] meanwhile leguizamo's gang is not doing very well as they come across a bunch of people who saw early screenings of the movie [Music] I'm gonna give you a math riddle okay and you're gonna tell me the answer it's quirky and weird which to some writers ink you have if I said I would pay you a penny on the first day and then two pennies on the second and then four pennies on the third day and I just kept doubling and I did this for a month oh I know this one it's screw you everybody hates math we're all gonna I but he notices a hole which he could easily plug up but doesn't as it causes them all to naturally go insane my name's Luigi Mario I'm a Puerto Rican Italian raised by a British Italian who's both my father and my brother I'm fighting a germaphobe dinosaurs turned Lance Hendrickson into a mushroom and things ordering a pizza is funny Wahlberg's gang runs across a guy from the military who also isn't sure what direction to go it's been about eight miles behind us there were bodies on the road into town some crackers were you just hungry when you wrote this cheese and crackers hot dogs honey bees was it sponsored by the Food Network but our weird Shyamalan one shot reveals that other people are confused where to go as well so they travel in one large group but one woman gets a call from her daughter in Princeton not to go near the window with the tree just tell her baby don't go near the window with a wood tree ask her if Princeton's been affected well ask her if she likes Hot Dogs honey honey talking funny what's wrong with you how can you tell nobody's acted normal in this movie since it was greenlit so everybody tries to figure out where to go next if we go west we'll hit a county called Arendelle dirt roads hardly anybody lives out there they'll sing a song so much you'll want to stamp your ears out with an ice pick but aside from that they're cool but something else in this movie is starting to blow private Oster strudel and sir oh ketchup and hash browns red feces and Denny's toxin why do you say things like you're on a kid show where the kids are supposed to answer back look I don't know if you guys have heard about this article in the New York Times about honeybees Vanishing let's answer filbert does anybody know where that is he's right toxin what no we need to do something just let me think they're dying I need a second we can't just stand I need to talk like that this isn't how we act this is how a computer thinks we act we're uninvolved observers probability is very low how should we react to dead people a math problem I think this was a joint writing team between HAL 9000 and GLaDOS what to do I need a second okay why can't anybody give me a goddamn second I'd be scientific douchebag okay back away from the camera guy you're gonna blow snot on the lens what if it is the plants Oh you mean that thing we already said it was duh what a twister they find their way into a model house where everything seems to be fake so naturally considering they're acting they mistake props for human beings my name is Elliot Moore just going to talk in a very positive manner yeah this is happening people we're just here to you oh that's okay until then I hope you don't mind if we put these folks on our most wanted list nothing against your kind but there's anything we Americans like it's racial profiling but another group of people are coming so they run past this obvious metaphor fearing that the group will become too big and they'll get infected so again the way they're talking how can you tell they're not affected get kids no how come you got a problem she wanted to wait you need to take a personal responsibility for yourself in a relationship hey that's not a toy it's got meaning to me so the kids are talking about a meaningful relationship while the adult is wanting to be given his toy ring back if someone want dyslexic with age numbers does he constantly get them backwards so after Zoe admit she had tiramisu with a guy late one night and of course she mentions it was tiramisu because I just assumed this was all written at a buffet somewhere Walbert decides he wants to confess something too just needs a 10 minute rest and some food should keep going I'm gonna die I want you to know something I was in the pharmacy a while ago it was a really good looking pharmacist behind the counter uh didn't you just say you should keep going this doesn't seem like the time for Pharmacy store confessions I went up and I asked where the cough syrup was I didn't even have a cough and I almost bought it oh no so they decided to drop by a house is there any way we could get some food we have a little girl we just want to get her some food you best leave now come on we're talking hot dogs Tiramisu and cough syrup we need some real conversations out here to bring that poison gas in here with you sir it's not poison gas even if there was all your windows are open done we're perfectly normal Black Water keep on rolling Manchester City Moon won't you keep on shining on me see we're normal you you are the laundry list of not normal everything you're doing is being written down in a book called how not to be normal there is literally a chapter called seriously I can't make this [ __ ] up so to stop the evil crazy gas from getting in they do the same thing of shooting two little boys off their porch this was brought to you by in the grand scheme of things really no reason whatsoever but it's a little less awkward dialogue to listen to huh oh don't worry that void is filled by this crazy broad who lives in the next house they come across I suppose the kind thing for me to do is to offer you supper well yeah that's what I do if a random stranger drop by my place while you're on my lemon drink I ain't gonna ask you again [Applause] this place obviously seems safe as they spend the night but slowly realize she may not be all there herself I hear you whispering planning on stealing something no ma'am we're not plan on murdering me in my sleep what no I'm not even gonna critique this scene it's brought so much joy and laughter from how famous it is that it'd be a sin to critique this scene but I'm gonna do this for shits and giggles what it needed to be done well no it didn't but that's what makes it even better so the lady seems to be acting nuttier and nuttier as well even the Nutty acting seems a little bit off there's something happening in a few States in this region it's not safe now this isn't a crazy gesture this is a Barbra Streisand singing performance actually has a bigger connection I thought free Mojo seems to affect her too and for an old IE her head's really got some weight to it man you can smash a melon with that melon Wahlberg and de Chanel's stay in separate buildings but are able to communicate gave you a very convenient pipe that allows them to hear each other too dangerous to go out to go it's fast to give up it hasn't even been two minutes yet already you're like this is the end this is the end you know movies can go past an hour and a half no I'm begging you not to our first date you bought me the mood ring you turned purple when you wore it the kid new vocabulary words next talk about how you're putting together your bondage swing and I swear I'm not kidding I actually timed this they wait literally just three minutes before they decide they can't take it anymore and they go outside to die yeah three minutes they drank the kid out there too man lakewood's almost should have been more specific with that demand it should have been take my daughter's hand what it should have been was don't wait the length of microwaving a burrito to sacrifice my daughter to three demons you think that go without saying should have been the length of microwaving a Hot Pocket but get this it stops just at the point when they walk outside I think the actual surprise of this ending is kind of hard to follow the name of the location pops up when it shows they're okay well does that mean they were in a safe place the whole time if so why did that woman kill herself I mean sure she was crazy but what are the chances she'd had the exact same craziness that makes you walk backwards and off yourself after doing so kind of a long shot but then just to make things more confusing they say this the event must have ended before we went out there well wait why show us the location at that exact time then what did it matter what was the real answer of what happened here is this a clue where we're supposed to guess our twist ending and yes by the way that is the ending it cuts to three months later nobody has any idea how or why this all happened but that Chanel is pregnant because that's what this was all about getting sense it's like trying to figure out how Shyamalan he's coming back in my reviews even though he keeps dying right right right crap get out of here in a moment I want to see how my tropes are coming any new developments yes as you know Jim and I have solved our problems using symbolism and my strange Quirk is saving the day and we did it all in one shot well then it's time to reveal my big twist yeah you already said it's walls no it's actually something completely different all right what is it then it's [Music] the walls that's what you just said it wasn't yeah it's a triple twist you see I said it was then I said it wasn't only to reveal it was again that's why I'm the king of twists I've been to Zumba classes with better twists than that wait a minute you guys aren't showing anymore no as you know that twist was so lame that it snapped us out of it come on let's go guys just when I was figuring out it went tight ends and oranges too fine go ahead and tell them not to see my movie then actually I wasn't going to really you think it's a cinematic Masterpiece no it's the dumbest thing I've seen in years but it's very entertaining from the acting to the writing to the directing everything is completely wrong in this movie but it's so creatively wrong it's impossible not to get a laugh out of it the choices made are so strange and so unnatural that it's one of the funniest unintentional comedies you could watch so yes I highly recommend it not as an awful drama but as a hilarious comedy it's guaranteed to get several laughs out of you well I guess I don't need to shamalize anybody then wait I thought you said the wall shamalized everybody no that was a quadruple twist I said it was then said it wasn't then said it was now I'm saying it wasn't again but wait if you didn't control everyone who did why does everybody keep on hiring me all of my work is [ __ ] Everything is Awesome well done Chris Miller well done thank you but he's not the only one we should congratulate our own Jennifer Lee has gotten a job writing and directing at Disney oh it's nothing just the most famous studio in the world well I suppose now we can bring her in on our real Gamble what what gamble oh every time a new filmmaker comes along we make an impossible dare to see if they can pull it off yes and they in turn make theirs back really and seeing how you're the newcomer with Disney I bet you can't make an animated film that points out all the faults of the past Disney films has two female Heroes one of them a queen and have her sing a song so popular even boys will be singing my 13 year old boys they're always the most profitable but what about you Mr Peyton what about me if I were the hero shrinks down to the size of an egg no shrinking films are box office poison right now what's the matter not taking my raise oh yes oh I'll call not that Miller and Lord over there have the balls to do so oh hey we're just as ballsy as either are you yeah prove it I bet that we could do a product placement movie so good that we could name the movie after the product and nobody would care yeah and people would even be upset that it wasn't nominated for best animated feature say mind if I play no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no what why not you suck at this game Shyamalan yeah what's this idea that you can make trees scary yeah it's later down the road this idea is guaranteed to show you how talented I am wait isn't this the one that Disney didn't understand so you stormed out even though they were gonna fund It Anyways who does that yes I heard about this you said Disney didn't respect individualism there are a bunch of hacks you didn't realize my Brilliance yeah and what is this Brilliance all right the main character is named story out not happening she's an ancient creature called a narf oh honey you can't do this and she's being chased by scruns but saved by tartutics here to bum down the street shouting stuff like this Pokemon even I'm not that high I will show the world that I am so good that I can make something so silly absolutely amazing I mean what else could happened to this movie let's get this baby started [Music] what many people see The Happening as shyamalan's funny is so bad it's good film I challenge them with the absolute mad ravings of Lady in the Water sure it's slower and doesn't have quite as many silly performances but the story is so insane so ego stroking so freaking bizarre that if a well-known filmmaker's name wasn't attached to it you'd swear it was written on the walls of a mental institution so much to talk about so let's not waste any time let's end shyamala month with my favorite bad movie of his lady in the water it starts off with the backwash I mean backstory of the seemingly simple Fable once man and those in the water were linked they inspired us man listened and it became real but man does not listen very well it just said they did mans need to own everything led him deeper into Land World Of Man became more violent War upon War played out as there were no guides to listen to well if they're so good at guiding people how did they let this happen to begin with a handful of their precious young ones have been have been sent there are laws that are meant to keep the young ones safe but they are sent at Great risk to their lives but wait if there's laws to keep them safe then why would they be a great risk sometimes men take matters into their own hands that's not what you said movie represented Now by Jack Nicholson performance you said they were safe but now they're at Great risk so they shouldn't be in any danger should they movie snotty little bastard why don't you just end with how every Humanity sucks story and saying how man has forgotten how to listen man have forgotten how to listen show us the way movie we know you have it even though in the first two minutes you already have tons and tons of problems but we have faith in you we then cut to Paul Giamatti some kind of creature tell her it's not a creature there's no such thing as creatures creature's just something you can't identify like the tone of this movie a new tenant seems to be staying at the Cove an apartment complex Giamatti works at and he's a movie critic named Mr Farber buenos D Ass now Mr Farber this is Young soon Choi she lives with her mother in 8A she's a student at the University hey if Shyamalan would be nice enough maybe he'll cut to a shot that actually shows her face nope well at least he held on a shot for a while that automatically equals genius you know but not as genius as talking directly into the camera another typical Shyamalan Trope tell him he's like an experiment I'm like a scientist it's fascinating how greedy one can get with their artsiness in most movies these kind of shots are used sparingly to establish mood but with Shyamalan he uses it like how the director of Battlefield Earth uses tilted shots weird angles sometimes weird angles always we're brilliant we're brilliant oh we do the brilliant dance but who cares it's time to figure out what stupid Quirk this guy has because as always any Quirk no matter how stupid always equals a developed character let's see what we have in our kitchen let's see what we have here oh you like hot dog [Music] hot dog ah here we are working out half of your body for no reason which people say hey what's wrong with you Reggie why you only working out on one side of your body remember it doesn't need to make sense you just have to say that director has a style and therefore it's good it's the law so well compo shot there that looks effortlessly done like there was no effort put into it whatsoever it's almost as good as this one of Giamatti ending his day and the camera slowly tilting up to reveal absolutely nothing you know something visually interesting there might have been nice was even the moon like no hell no I'm not being in this [ __ ] mermando no but trust me it's something just as equally ridiculous he goes out to the pool to inspect when he was underwater no he's not now he's back underwater no he's not now he's out of the water he slips he goes back into the water tries to get out says Nah and he's suddenly in his room well that was just easy to follow as a moth in a snowstorm there does however seem to be a wet naked woman in his room well not this again at least this one's alive where are you from do you feel an Awakening is that like a happening why don't you just replace all your dialogue with do you feel in inglinging my name is story oh yes you heard that correctly it's that kind of movie I have two siblings an older sister named long story and a younger sister named short story I'm a very honest mother we name true story an aging father named old story a dead grandfather named ghost story and for some reason all of them remind me of my two pets [ __ ] and Bull story what I'm trying to say is that name is stupid so he gives her a shirt turning her into a cover story and sleeps the night away holding her in his arms because this really wasn't creepy enough yet tell me how in the world are you anyway yes didn't catch that yeah you did the name of her species is narf and not only that they say this word all the time like it's a totally common name if a Nerf a thousand NOS the Nerf has come the Madame not Nerf a narf what was Black already taken or plonk look out we have to save they're on the road he tries to carry her outside but sees a wolf waiting in the distance I serve the nothing which apparently this film has an abundance of what what what's going on what oh my God how can you not burst out into laughter watching that scene what can you even say about it it looks like he's carrying an anorexic Julia Roberts to their honeymoon suite while she wants the pool to pull her finger just before a steroid Chia Pet eats them alive what is this what is this so we decides to ask someone who would obviously know all about mythical creatures Rufio could you look up the word narf for me for me I'm sure you've come across them from your adventures in Neverland [Music] or retailing like that I think the correct answer is oh that sounds like a word from the same idiot who came up with Cipher rage very common eastern name but her mother knows all about it what are the odds and she says the narve sorry that's going to take some getting used to has to meet the chosen one so that she can Inspire him she will return with the great teacher Giant Eagle they of course cut out the scene where she ate five pot brownies before saying this but you get the idea so Giamatti looks for this Chosen One whose story says is a writer so again you could just replace all the dialogue with what's your Quirk she's very good with animals and your Quirk crossword puzzles and your Quirk let's make up a witty phrase babies on the half tick that's not how a stoner screams that's one of the rice crispy elves watching another one die of course Giamatti is so focused on finding a writer that he completely overlooks the person he's known for years that is a writer House of writing done but story has been eavesdropping in his diary to learn about his past a night a man entered your own there he stole many things and killed your wife and children that when he stopped being happy brilliant deduction there Nancy Drew and the other obvious dots you like to connect when I hit my head that's when my head hurts when my butt farts that's when the air smells bad when I run in high heels people will focus more on that rather than how dumb the rest of the movie is why don't you get suited up in your proper uniform but Giamatti introduces the writer to her and take a wild guess who plays it no I said in that form that's right the writer who really has lost his Muse yeah take a good look there Shyamalan that's the closest story you'll ever get and have seemingly irrelevant and tedious dialogue that seems to regurgitate nice meeting you [Music] well as Giamatti tries to get story back home but the grass hyena is still out there what happened we're okay now thank God he can't climb stairs so he tries to get more information from the Korean peacock who seems totally fine interrupting her clubbing to talk fairy tales she said only a rogue scrunt will break the law of that night because most guns are afraid afraid of what tattoo tick oh my God skrunks nerves tartutics these all sound like cartoon characters sneezing just look at giamatti's face after hearing all this he's like well I'm in a bomb this whole thing reads like a drunk mother reading a half-ass bedtime story to her kid this is a story about [Music] Story the character's name is story uh yep and she is an ancient Nerf uh-huh yes she's running running away from the the meanest spot [Music] and it all took place in Modern Times Good Night well it's better than the time she said the trees did it [Applause] [Music] [Applause] so fearing this story is sounding 100 like Coke ravings Korean Britney Spears brings back the dramatic tone just try to listen to this with any hint of seriousness a thousand nafs is about a Randolph who comes once in a generation of enough a scrunt will do anything to kill a madame North even forget his fearsity okay I'm sure Shyamalan is hearing this really intense dramatic story but to the rest of the world all we can hear is not myself she know that she's a matter of once in a generation I would give anything if the twist to this movie was that the entire time it was Pinky and the Brain trying to take over the world literally every single problem would be fixed if they just do that twist it's a Warner Brothers movie make it happen speaking of which the master writer himself is told that his writing is going to change the world and give inspiration I [ __ ] you not here to the Future president boy will become leader of this country and begin a movement of great change but also yeah it gets even better his ideas will be so dangerous that someone will eventually take his life because of them and yet he's still chooses to write the story sacrificing himself not only for his art but for the world wow is it windy on that egotistical high horse that you built for yourself I mean Christ you can see his boner growing with every praising word he's big of you and your word will be the Saints of change oh now that's a messy story so Giamatti is told that rufio's mother will only tell the rest of the story if she can see him like a child you have to make us see you as a child innocent so I can't even just watch foreign [Laughter] Okay so let's say this represents the world of sanity and this represents the edge of sanity and this represents the world of insanity you would you would on my on Mars you are so freaking gone because we have no idea where the hell you are to come up with a scene this goddamn Bonkers I mean what what is this what you do with all your Oscar nominated actors make them look like they're jerking off sideways while peeing like a dog that's not acting like a child that's acting like three lobotomies were given to you in maple syrup are you can't say anything about her world for reasons but it's okay because she touches her ear to answer yes or no questions as that doesn't count for reasons so there's a symbolist a Guardian A Healer and a guild he's supposed to find in order to help her and before you say anything yes this simple bedtime story is as goddamn complicated as a freaking DND game do you know who the symbolist or interpreter is I don't know let's roll the dice to find out so he goes to the crossword guy and his increasingly strange Sun this picture of this cereal box is supposed to make you feel happy I feel sad like that time you forgot to pick me up at school are we in Wonderland he finds the others as well and takes them to a naked cut up lady he's keeping in his shower this raises no concerns interpreter will tell us what to do nine letters across is the word essential I thought that was weird really that's weird you're using a crossword puzzle to predict the future in front of a naked woman who's been kidnapped by the sideways guy and that's friggin weird who does that the funny thing is even by bedtime story standards there's practically no action in any of this I mean did Shyamalan actually read this to his kids every night and then they sat around the shower for a bit doing crosswords as Mr keep turned the apartments for a fifth time to talk to even more people Snow White kids that story doesn't have nearly enough references to another story to make it interesting this is a bedtime story for a new generation that means it's working so he apparently can see the scrunt by walking backwards and looking in the mirror why because it's less complicated than doing jumping jacks and looking through a fruit loop just get used to nothing being explained the scrunt scares him away but to be fair you were asking Paul Giamatti to protect you what'd you think was gonna happen in fact you saved him the first time you really thought this was the guy who was gonna be on top of things there is no originality left in the world Mr Heat a new strategy strategy hide unless he can't hide so they decide to throw a party to distract this grunt yeah always good to throw other people's lies in there as we're realizing getting closer and closer to the end that this really shouldn't have been called Lady in the Water she barely does a freaking thing what they should have called it is Whispering because that's all anybody does it's not you I can hear myself finding your purpose it is not time you haven't written anything yet the rest of this land will grow up in a home turn it up and turn it up so they wait for the eagle to come and get her as apparently nobody in the party would notice that but hey if they don't notice a grass dog attacking a woman and dragging her into the woods I guess they wouldn't notice that either oh by the way a grass dog attacks her and drags her into the woods oh no this is terrible what should we do more crosswords but big shock they start to ask this is all a little crazy why are you so certain that I Am The Interpreter and they are the guild I asked someone what kind of person would be so arrogant to presume to know the intention of another human being who has put this young girl's life in jeopardy what heartless demon who gives points of view on art has doomed mankind pretty pretty only he praised Shyamalan I mean any random writers of their genius but no he had to point out the faults of movies like signs I mean any random story this is all so obviously about Shyamalan I mean Shamo and I mean you if you were Shyamalan look at this he writes the critics so one-dimensionally that he actually confuses real life for a movie it's precisely the moment where the mutation or beast will attempt to kill an unlikable side character in stories where there has been no prior cursing nudity killing the unlikable character will narrowly escape he may even be given a humorous moment to allow the audience to feel good about it I'm sorry this is really hard it's really hard for me to get through this because that's all they are that's all critics are it's literally just my life is a Movie Everything is connected to a movie I Am robot I judge and hate everything there is no personal Vendetta going on at all it is about you the personal artist at home it is not about one individual person who probably is in this film somewhere I mean I can't see him at all it's just too subtle but maybe he's in the movie solo professional I should stay serious that won't happen again I like just get out a little bit more okay okay what happened again I promise so after that Stellar satire of criticism really SNL worthy they start to wonder if anyone else could possibly be The Interpreter the hands of the guild will be needed plus to others it is a ceremony of Seven Sisters sisters The Guild is women with their hearts is one to bring strength to the moment we need a man who has no secrets and one whose opinion is highly respected as Witnesses [Applause] people at home you are not stoned you are not high you are seeing this correctly a little boy with Incredible detail is predicting the future of an ancient civilization by staring at cereal boxes cereal boxes oh my God I'm crying I'm actually crying this is so funny what is he going to see the kooky Croco go cuckoo for Coco bus when Captain crunch's Neko snack crackle and pop and it'll be great we're the fortune cookies too hard to understand almost hurry this will all be over in moments now on to the spice rack where I will predict the second coming of Jesus oh my God oh I just came a bit I read it wrong I thought it said she will lead a ceremony of Seven Sisters to bring strength to the moment but it really just said Cinnamon Toast Crunch so Giamatti has to be the healer because well symbolically it ties to his family and that dead horse is so kicked you can see the Nike symbol indented into it it of course brings her back to life that's the [ __ ] Shyamalan twist is finally revealed oh my God [Music] oh my God it takes place at the cove wait I already knew that why'd you cut to that what the hell's the twist Reggie's the guardian wow I didn't know Cliff milk could serve as twist now I mean uh oh you really got me ah to look at the movie a whole different way now and then apparently these things come out you guys are coming the Eagles are coming [Music] no kidding that's the ending yeah the eagle picks her up and it just stops even chiamati has a look on his face like that's it are you kidding me my two minute Cameo and Downton Abbey was worth more of my time than us people I know the happening is fun but where else can you see a narf outrunning a scrunt with Paul Giamatti waving his leg and touching himself in front of two women helped by a guy who can predict the future through crosswords who gave birth to a prophet who can read mythologies that are part of a complete breakfast with a Critic Who Dares call this all insane portrayed as the bad guy with tree Hogs beating up grass stains with teeth while a giant eagle picks up a whispering tart whose only job was to tell a person to write a book and the twist centers around a guy we saw only for two minutes in the opening how can this not be a masterpiece of Madness complete and total entertaining Madness so to show my appreciation for this incredible experience I am finally gonna give Shyamalan exactly what he wants you summoned sit down chamela all right [Music] thank you foreign tell me about your Genius method in making this film really [Music] well I was trying to get across how creative artists are always kept down by cynicism ah so the woman's story actually represents the artist's story yeah I ever knew if I made that clear enough and am I correct in thinking that the character of the critic is subtle jab to people exactly you don't think that came off too strong do you of course not I thought it was downplayed actually so I wanted to get across that all the people in the world who criticize they're the real death of dreams and how did you come up with those incredible names it sounds like it came from a language that's existed for here that was my intention you see I'm a big fan of creating other worlds and other worlds have different sounding names so I said to myself what sounds weird and otherworldly a narf you just hear that word and immediately you think a beautiful woman [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] read me make me wrong [Applause] [Music] one more time what's going on oh Shyamalan dice you said that like it's a thing it is a thing so you know how Shyamalan writes and directs terrible movies and ghost writes the blameless well they've been so hit and miss lately that people are saying they're literally a roll of the dice oh so so now we literally roll the dice sounds like fun what's up the visit oh okay uh I got a 200 [Applause] what's that that's [ __ ] double or nothing what's up next split all right that's gotta be bad all right [Laughter] [Applause] no way that was gonna be good all right triple or nothing what's next oh glass glass okay I'm gonna say that's uh good oh half and half I'll take it you think split would have rolled like that all right what's the next one uh servant all right I'm gonna say it's good all right yeah I guess nobody saw it but it's on its third season I would just say it doesn't count what's next oh It's gotta be good well I just gotta be bad let's roll and find out [Applause] wait a minute wait a minute it rolled bad but it resulted in a Vincent van Gogh painting exactly we all win huh it rolled bad but it's so bad it automatically created a masterpiece oh so who gets the money Shyamalan thank you it's nice to be seeing this in my hands again you know for all your problems you keep sticking around I'm like a bad masseuse you don't notice me until I start rubbing you the wrong way [Music] [Applause] [Music] based on the graphic novel sand castle old was released in July of 2021 and is certainly returned to form for M Night Shyamalan oh not six sense unbreakable or visit Shyamalan I'm talking happening Lady in the Water and sign Shyamalan the so bad it's entertaining for completely different reasons gold though a decent hit of the box office all didn't exactly win over a ton of critics and audiences but you're not looking at it from the right point of view don't look at this as Shyamalan look at this as Shyamalan it has all his goofiest tropes that really only he can bring to us there are so many characters so many lines and so many story threads that make absolutely no sense and the more you think about it the more hilarious they become I'm so excited to have you bad again Shyamalan so let's take a closer look this is good old Shyamalan making bad new old your first clue this is finally age slash expired M night is in its opening dialogue as we see the Kappa family being driven to a resort sing it girl no I can't respond to Navy has been stripped from her these are things humans say and oh yeah the dialogue just keeps going like this are we close stop wishing away this moment okay you can tell me an AI wrote this script right that was the assignment a computer writes a Shyamalan script it's like insert statistic that has a lot of numbers here there's 250 000 Furniture related injuries in the United States per year I love this technology is evolving we're de-evolving this is prisca played by Vicky creeps with her husband guy played by Gail Garcia Burnell both these performers have been wonderful in other films but that was before the shyamawan was waived and like magic they now talk like one of those text-to-speech apps you don't know me I curate exhibits for museums there's something very wrong with my child most people location die from over indulgence of food or alcohol or a mixture of all of the above 99.4 percent of the time don't worry though they're quickly overshadowed by the kids Trenton Maddox but but Trent who just so happens to love asking strangers who they are and what they do for a living what are your names and what do you do for a living what are your names and occupation what are your names and occupations what a convenient work that just happens to get across character Exposition in a totally believable way now I will admit at first I thought maybe the kid had some sort of condition where he focuses on stuff like that but as the film continues he gets older and he never talks like this again at all he has no idea what it means but he knows it's bad trying to help us and remembering the bizarre dialogue of the kids in signs I truly think this is how Shyamalan thinks children talk you can come over to my house and make up stories then we can go to the same College together and become neighbors with mortgages okay that's great dialogue for background characters in a video game actually it's not even that but you do know we're hearing every line you're writing right there's literally trouble in Paradise though as guy and prisca given a big argument about not letting the kids know she's slowly dying and they're getting a divorce you're always thinking about the few the future image good job keeping me this from us guys I think so we're then introduced to more people who speak entirely and foreshadowing I have a Calcium deficiency sit up care honey right you don't want to be hunched when you grow up baby it's very unattractive I wonder if that calcium make her a hunchback what do you think Harvey you either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain why does everyone at this table speak night wrong White Lotus lets the kappas know about a secret Beach special guests there's a private beach on the Nature Preserve side of the island I could arrange event to take you sounds like a great memory for us I like focusing on the back of the side character's head instead of the reactions of the main characters it's more pretentiously idiotic across from them though a woman starts having a seizure a doctor played by Professor well tries to help oh not with a woman's seizure but with the husband's dialogue who upon seeing his wife violently Shake on the floor reacts like anyone would I'm a nurse my name is Jared my Jack I think if you just leave her lying here for a while thank you doctor if Jaren by the way just declared she still brings it up twice like it's gonna help the situation like somewhere there's a doctor it's gonna be like he's having a heart attack oh if only there was a little boy who asked everybody who they are and what they did for a living I'm a nurse my name is Jared thank God the next day the campus are driven to the island along with the doctor and his family okay guest checklist books sunscreen director Cameo okay we're set to go enjoy everybody they're all dropped off at the beach which seems to be everything the resort promised but it looks like there's already somebody there he happens to be a famous rapper and I can't wait to tell you his name that's midsize sedan that's the name you have if you're a YouTube rapper or you're touring with Weird Al and the even funnier thing is it doesn't play into the story at all you could seize anything from a brain surgeon to a pizza delivery boy and it wouldn't impact the character in the least I think it's here just to show M Night understands rap music but he comes across having as much street cred as ironically the little boy from the visit oh God bless this movie I told you I don't want to live like this I'm going for a drive to calm down ah I wish we had less symbolic kids while playing hide and go seek though Trent discovers an unexpected visitor oh I just wanted to be part of your world a dead woman is found in the water and Honda Civic approaches giving I guess a normal M Night response he reacted to that the same way the dude reacts to some people having sex with no joy oh no oh yes Lebowski Ford Mustang admits he knew this woman and that she went out for a swim but didn't return I guess there's supposed to be a mystery whether or not he killed her but I'll just give it away he didn't so what the hell was up with this reaction all day Flonase doesn't have a money back guarantee how would you react if you were a kid and you saw a dead body I'm so hungry me too well we'll start a fire and eat what the Piranhas didn't nibble off of her what is wrong with you aliens do you strike him I don't need to know the context of what no of course not so why is your nose busy you know what I like about seeing a movie actually seeing a movie can you pan over so we can see the people please why are you seeing a blurry version of the Trashy from Fraggle Rock more interesting oh if only there was some way to relieve this tension [Applause] get in here I couldn't tell you how big my smile got when I saw this guy was in more of the film especially when you discover that is awkward acting from earlier was not just an isolated take it's his whole performance wait why they left already what happened I'm Jaren by the way and again I do want to emphasize I have seen this guy good in other stuff I actually perk up whenever I see him in something because I think he's such an engaging actor but again he was probably given the same Shyamalan cocktail what no cell phone reception on this beach you stay here see if the director is actually satisfied with my performance and then tell me if that's Robert Hayes when they try to leave they discover they weirdly stumble backwards and blackout unable to exit to make things worse something seems to be wrong with Trent something is wrong with my son some kind of reaction is it severe I don't have time for this what kind of doctor are you hey now don't reveal your job until the little boy asked for it sounds weird if you don't you look different too how uh I don't know you just look different hold my hands okay looking at her ear is awesome but can you be a movie for five minutes things get even worse when the doctor's mother stops breathing and eventually dies just couldn't take a shock just don't matter woman how I couldn't take him to rub it so Well's credit he's one of the only actors that can take this bizarre writing and make it sound almost believable I guess that comes from a lifetime of knowing how to act great in both awesome projects and absolute [ __ ] everyone else though can't quite get past the Shyamalan filter what are your names and occupations I'm Jaren I'm Jaren by the way have you seen my children is everyone trying to play a joke on us what aren't these your children okay you can tell me did all of you film Your Parts separately and quarantine and then they cg'd them together because none of you are acting like you're responding to what the other is saying they discover though that the children are drastically growing aging by about five years and if you're wondering why the kids constantly shoot up in age but the adults look exactly the same throughout most of the movie M night would like to remind you he directed The Sixth Sense God is my worst nightmare I'll have to pay for their College in less than a year give credit to Casting that they found people that really look like the kids growing up but is it me or is everyone's acting getting worse as they get older no Mom we're scared if I cry please don't let them see I want I still can't get any reception I never thought I'd say this but the Community College down the street might have some better actors for you like I said before so well is the only one coming out of this surprisingly convincing but it's almost like M Night noticed that and said oh I know some [ __ ] that'll make him sound stupid the dog has died oh my God oh my God I was only just alive uh-uh that is a joke line that is a joke line they almost used the exact same wordage in the comedy Blades of Glory remember how they used to be a real but oh you think the kid asking for name and occupation was forceful one of them suggests standing in a circle explaining who they are why are you here we've been going through something he's under a lot of stress as a doctor how many times are they going to introduce themselves the movie's almost halfway over if I don't know who these characters are by this point either I'm not paying attention or the movie's not paying attention briska Frisco's tumor seems to be growing fast as well to the point where she can't even stay conscious do we have alcohol yes oh thank God I need a drink I mean does anyone ever need the doctor has to operate and even though they established later that his mind is deteriorating with M night's dialogue I just believe this is a normal line he would have someone say in an emergency do you know that Jack Nicholson did a film with Marlon Brando what is he saying what's the name of that phone Charles Bree you sure it says in time for another random conversation involving numbers the operation starts they focus more on the clouds because the DP was drunk the suspense keeps building and building and like all of you I am looking up that movie with Jack Nicholson and Marlon Brando it's more interesting what's going on in this film I'll give you a few minutes [Applause] [Music] [Applause] the tumor is taken out of prisca the wound seems to heal up abnormally fast the children grow even more but most importantly Missouri breaks was the name of the movie with Jack Nicholson and Marlon Brando I'm sorry so far that's the most fascinating thing I've gotten out of this film Toyota Prius realizes though there's something wrong with the woman who drowned earlier I think you mean oh damn she turned into the ribs from the end credits of Flintstones and they're panicking more and more about what to do as the kids continue to get older try and find certain urges are growing for the doctor's daughter what's happening to us I think we're just growing I don't feel the same it's weird both your left eyes are acting great is this movie allergic to showing performances Sharon has a theory that it's the rocks that are causing them to age sure because trees were great sorry this is nonsense it's not shut down everyone's experience experience what are you writing the Yelp review right now what makes you think I slept with her I'd say she's about five months pregnant what what why do I have the urge to high five but flee at the same time she instantly starts to give birth and the doctor isn't able to help cause well I think he just figured out what movie he's in I get to see you in our neighborhood Who Who Are You Sharon reacts the same way you would think jiren would react I'm Jared my man you are this Generations I'm Spartacus instantly dies though as it's unable to survive the rapid changes on the beach Mr director you're gonna make me look really good in this close-up right it's good as Mark Wahlberg's nostrils that was said the doctor goes absolutely insane though and takes out all his rage on Mercedes-Benz he's gone he's been impounded just keeps their distance from the doctor and Sharon says he's gonna try and swim for help watch him sure to tell the world my story that I'm Jaron and I'm Lloyd prisca reveals that through the rocky marriage he had an affair was there someone else I found out about this tumor and I got scared I got scared onto another penis Maddox takes it well be stronger for everyone really I legit don't know if that counts in shyamala land is taking it well but she finds out her and Trent has something in common they're a magnet for floating dead people oh no it's what was his name jiren bites the dust and it looks like the doctor's daughter follows as she tries climbing out but gets dizzy and Falls she was my first middle last and things only get worse what's happening she was fine what's happening I don't know I completely forgot we saw this before at breakfast [Music] don't look at me I've been crazy over here guys Vision suddenly starts to go as well as prisca's hearing and Nightfall doesn't bring anything better who is that dead rapper who do you think do you remember a movie with Hales and Ford and Mark Hamill I think it was called Space Jam eventually kill him but things get stranger when the kids enter a cave and discover the doctor's wife has gotten worse from her Calcium deficiency [Music] [Music] you're borderline coyote now she even starts tetrising herself and as you'd imagine it's pretty funny I only regret is that she's killed off and finally the adults start to look like they're aging why do I suddenly think Tucker Carlson is right about everything the two of them make amends before passing away sensing the writing is on the wall the two kids now grown up decide to act like kids Once More by building sand castles and decoding a message their friend from the resort gave it just so happens to contain their way out apparently the coral not only deflects The Rock's effects but it also so happens to lead off the beach too bad they fall victim to the equivalent of tripping in a slasher film for a second I thought they were going to get through the Coral at last I got so tired of killing actors careers I finally moved on to killing the actors themselves I guess the big twist which is really more of an explanation is that the resort finds sick people to send to the beach and let them die in the attempts of finding new medical cures because of this beach we have been able to save hundreds of thousands of lives with new medicines I but whatever it looks like the siblings got out and alerted the proper people curses maybe the resort should have taken out that Coral they clearly knew was there and led off the island but that would take a lot of money which they clearly didn't have this is so dumb so okay the best friend sees Tran touches his face and we tilt up to the clouds as the movie finally keeps going hey you may have thought that was the ending but nope they have to show that in order to get out they had to get out holy [ __ ] I never would have put that together oh and I guess there's this pointless line how's she handling things how would you feel if a 50 year old man called and told he was your six-year-old in that field again yeah I don't know why it shows to end there even though it had a perfect spot to stop already but Jesus what is anything about this movie been normal old is so bad so hilariously entertainingly bad I like Sean Malone when he's good but I love him when he's awful when he does awkward it is so distinct and puzzling that I can't help but fall in love with it even when it doesn't work there's never a sense he's half-assing it you know what his mind he sees this as genius and a part of me really loves that he does there's something almost innocent about these mistakes like their big budget versions of the Home Movies he would put his Easter eggs on his DVDs I don't get any mean-spirited cynicism out of it yeah for the most part it's usually just an awkward guy making awkward stuff with every ounce of passion that he has I guess I could be angry but the dude is just making the movies he wants his way and in one way or another they are extremely fun I always see what he's going for when he doesn't achieve it there's something almost in Deering to it like he misses the mark in such a creative way you have to take risks to make mistakes like this and whether it works or not he is a filmmaker who does stuff in a way no one else is even though it's not technically good I still enjoyed the hell out of it I'm not sure what his future holds Good films bad films or a little bit of both but chances are we're all gonna be intrigued one way or another okay here we go movies next yeah it's pogs now Oh you mean like a Stephen King pox no just puck oh like good Zack Snyder movie box there is a life outside of movies critic I don't think that's true okay here we go I think I see where we saw plans now yeah what are your names and occupations

Channel: Channel Awesome

Views: 437,544

Keywords: channel awesome, nostalgia critic, all the shyamalan movies, m night shyamalan, m night shyamalan movies, nostalgia critic m night shyamalan, nostalgia critic m night shyamalan movies, reaction, review, movie, film, compilation, the happening, signs, avatar the last airbender, avatar, worst m night shyamalan movies, m night shyamalan twist, nostalgia critic compilation, after earth, lady in the water, m night shyamalan old, movie reaction, funny movie reviews, doug walker

Id: sSsX0bZQslE

Length: 168min 15sec (10095 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 24 2023