All The Blade Movies - Nostalgia Critic

all right with the recent popularity of blade and your recent disappointment with steel i really thought shaquille o'neal was going to be the next mark wahlberg it just makes sense to discuss who will get what going forward yeah that dark stuff with blade worked pretty well we're gonna try some of that no our next seven movies are gonna be cashing in on the dark stuff destined to all be hits but all we got is lighthearted crap coming up well that's why you have the caged crusader after batman and robin nobody's gonna want to see another batman movie in years hey we're switching it up too we've got a colorful and corny spider-man movie coming out from the director of evil dead yeah it's probably not gonna break any records but it should be a huge hit with the kids fine i guess we'll do another batman movie even though there's no money in it christ years from now everyone's gonna associate marvel with dark and gritty and dc with bright and playful right well then there should be no problem signing this television contract wait this is affecting our shows too oh yes you see all of your tv series will be upbeat and positive while all of ours are going to be depressing and harsh it'll make you want to kill yourself but what if we end up completely misunderstanding our audiences and we end up doing the exact opposite it's okay our animation departments will fill in the blanks we'll keep ours goofy and harmless while you keep yours complex and intriguing with some exceptions but what if somehow dc's material for children ends up doing more adult work than our material for adults yeah and they're gonna do a cartoon version of the killing joke with a hard r rating that was bizarrely specific yeah so anything else one more thing are you sure you don't want any of your shows to be tied to this new netflix format that's getting a lot of buzz yeah like anything's going to kill cable no you guys can handle that besides we don't want to be known as those guys that always copy marvel that is a very valid point so anything else yeah what are our plans in terms of comics who gives a [ __ ] yeah [Music] [Music] done [Applause] hello i'm a nostalgia critic i remember it so you don't have to comic book movies have had a lot of ups and downs over the years sometimes they were on top of the world and sometimes they were daredevil but when comic book films were seen at their most unpopular one little kick-ass movie came along and said hey not only am i gonna be awesome but people are gonna completely overlook me when they say deadpool was the first r-rated comic book flick how do you sleep at night internet how do you sleep at night i'm of course talking about the late 90s hit blade when people talk about influence in recent comic book films they usually go to the dark knight or avengers but many forget this did play a big part in not only getting popularity back to the genre but also creating a ton of tropes still used in comic book movies today written by david s goyer interrupted by stephen dorrington two people you thought were going to be comic book odds managed to turn out a movie pretty cool and badass while also being about as 90s as a commercial where kids rule does the classic coolness overrule the dated silliness well let's see if this vampire spectacle sucks in a good way or a bad way this is blade we open up with blade's birth seeing his mother slowly bleed to death always a pleasant start the credits roll as you can tell already this movie has a bad case of the 90s simply by its sped up footage it was a simpler time when we were so blown away by the fast forward button we see a woman driving her day to apparently a hot nightclub so where are we going to surprise me yeah i like surprises yeah i'm just here to die or be saved character tool all the way banter a club playing music that sounds like your atari is trying to throw rave [Music] when we come across an effect even better than speeding up the footage speeding up the footage with a white flash [Music] our 90s minds can't handle this you're blowing us away with what we hit our computers for doing today but our midnight snack is about to get a surprise when he finds he stumbled into a literal bloodbath i guess this is supposed to be scary but nowadays you'd probably just see this at any goth club dude the blood is supposed to rain at four right now you're supposed to be dangling the rubber ghims he finds all of them have vampire fangs again the usual non-scary occurrence of the golf club when he comes across his knight in shining leather blade played by wesley snipes it's blade it's the day one the vampires try their hardest to wave their fingers at him but it doesn't work as he partakes in some pretty kick-ass fight scenes here damn i'm possessed what i can play the accordion too oh yeah gun that usually wins over swinging hooks even though the rotting remains are about as real as the riding remains from a pumpkin bomb these fight sequences are filled with the most awesome of implausibility [Music] that's very unlikely there i give you footage for like 50 trailers you know for a character this badass that was a pretty dorky move you now joined the ranks that kevin mcallister data and that weird baby meme have made timelessly awkward i'm just gonna assume you haven't seen the past 20 years of white media get a little tired of chopping my second thing it sets them on fire while also saving the story pawn as our extra crispy vampire is sent to the hospital here dr karen jensen played by naboosha wright is looking him over with another doctor she used to date you ever have second thoughts about us sometimes but then i remember how much of an [ __ ] you were no i'm trying really it's over well that character backstory seemed really necessary i still think we can work no really there must be a reason for that romantic interest it seemed completely pointless [Music] yeah this brings up a continuing question about the film blade several times is given opportunities to kill off this character quinn but he doesn't resulting in tons of people either getting killed or maimed like over and over and over why does he have such a hard time killing this guy off dear diary i almost killed quinn off this time but when i looked into his dreamy eyes i knew i was a queen girl forever [Music] blade is about to let the doctor die when his damn oedipus complex kicks in reminding him of his dying mother and he takes her to his hideout there we come across world renowned planet of the apes star kris kristofsen playing whistler who tries to heal her bite marks with garlic thanks that'll help a lot i'll call you when an earthworm needs restraining we're introduced to our shadowy room of evil business suits because marvel will always love this cliche and they bring in their evil as vampire who can never get a shirt that fits deacon frost played by steven dorf this guy's a lot of fun just imagine all of edward norton's yeah faces had a son and he only listened to prodigy maybe it's time we forgot about discretion we should be ruling the humans or maybe i'm just the first to say out loud what we've all been thinking i propose a movement where we dress like we don't care how we look when really it's the most important thing to us i call it the hipster effect do we have any other business to discuss you may wake up one day and find yourself extinct really we're just gonna let him get away with that you know for a guy who does things we don't like we sure do let him do things that we don't like the good doctor wakes up and seems to be doing better as she sees what blade has to go through in order to survive [Music] oh he just read the script to play trinity i'd be holding his hand too whistler tells karen exactly what they're fighting against you gotta understand they're everywhere vampires the ominous nocturna that means vampires but seems frost is doing research into the vampire archives pissing off the council even more we're in a library you don't need to shout what do you have to frost tell me your next time i'll actually hit you what are you gonna do i don't need this i'm only here because chris pine hasn't been invented yet well you wouldn't be the first so after trying to figure out if a freaking newspaper building blew up in town seriously karen is told not to trust anybody when she's suddenly approached by a cop in her apartment police officer i didn't mean to scare you the front door was open what are you doing in here i'm just here on a routine check i heard you were black so you're under arrest for something you're dead too [ __ ] who said i was a vampire nobody christ i think blade's whole goal in this movie is to leave at bad times and then come back just before things get worse okay i'm leaving i'm really leaving this time i open clinton so where were you taking it i don't know what you're talking ah um does nobody care that a guy with a sword is slamming a cop's head into a car i mean never forget nwa but i think someone would at least raise an um he escapes though causing blade and karen to follow him through fast forward lane get me pearl for all okay if you want to do pointless speedy footage that's fine but at least have them talk the way they're supposed to talk [Music] vampire anatomy 101 crosses and running water don't do dicks or forget what you've seen in the movies you use a steak silver or sunlight yeah forget all that stuff you've seen in the movies concentrate on this stuff like in the movies so will the vampires sit around partying watching mortal kombat yeah you vampires are gonna find a lot of blood in that movie the cop tells frost of his run-in with blade don't worry about it it's no problem um am i fired or is this a promotion as a guy who wants to be a vampire i genuinely don't know [Applause] in case you forgot that bat means that they're vampires symbolism blade and caring come across the person who keeps track of all the archives and okay even for a movie about a guy who chases vampires that's pretty silly [Music] bring me solo good until he's not a woman or else that would suddenly be indecent they get captured by quinn and his gang but it looks like blade has backup catch you [ __ ] at a bad time as long as you don't have a copy of a star is born then no they escape into a subway that just happens to be connected to the vampire archives odd design work as they wait for the longest train ever to pass and then end up literally catching a ride on it oh my god yeah okay so whistler reveals why blaze seems to have all the vampire strengths and few of their weaknesses blade's mother was attacked by a vampire while she was pregnant she died but he lived he can withstand garlic silver even sunlight he also obtained an aversion to taxes as well i like to point out i waited this long to make a tax joke i think i did pretty well karen consoles blade during his all-important wall watching while frost and his goons apparently kidnap the leader of the vampires to kill him they should probably all fry up but it's okay because the other vampires have some blocking helmets was marceline sun hat not available karen uses her doctor know how to figure out how to make vampires heads explode science when whistler makes a discovery about her you don't look so good i mean the studio won't let you look bad so this is what we count as not good i guess we didn't catch it in time so it looks like she's still gonna turn to a vampire in a day or two but that doesn't get in the way of a meeting between blade and the now helmet-less frost so wait a minute if you have enough sunblock the day doesn't bother you because if so being a vampire is literally a day at the beach easy wouldn't want our little friend here to wind up on the back of a milk cart now would we but blazey saving people is more of a secondary thing and tries to shoot frost causing him to toss the child [Music] dead oh i mean no scratch on her whatsoever she must been wearing a lot of sunblock too yeah what the hell do you think this guy is talking about i mean i know we just saw a man fly into the street save a kid and we're all just gonna ignore it but let me tell you about this cop who got his head smashed into a car that i ignored the city we're just kind of there [Applause] [Music] it's hard being an artist when you have headaches always popping up it affects your work so no one takes you seriously that's just a sugar coated topping that you can control try david s goyer david s goyer seems effective at first like the miracle you've always been looking for but then on closer inspection you realize it might not be as effective as you thought your denial will tell you it's doing a good job but after a while you can't ignore the pain it's causing it's not as bad as it was before but it's still really bad people will like your work at first because they see you have courier attached to it but then they'll wake up and realize that most of it was dumb luck surviving on the talent of others everybody says the techniques were great but the product was overall [ __ ] you'll not only realize it did less than you thought but it's actually slowing you down compared to other successful medicines at first i thought it worked great but now i see it's just a bigger placebo than dumbo's magic feather experts agree it's not the worst thing out there it did some good things i think though maybe that was other people and come on just come on david s goyer sooner or later you'll feel the pain and don't forget to try nighttime david s goyer oh yes it will ruin the sandman [Applause] so karen discovers a cure for turning into a vampire off-screen yeah they're surprisingly kind of laid-back about it but frost also discovers blades hideout off screen you know it's good to show and don't tell but when you don't do neither you have neither and tries to capture them stop aiming at the rails and maybe you'll hit something blade comes home to see what happened as he gives one hell of an emotional breathtaking oscar caliber reaction to his fatherly mentor being destroyed if only more blood curling moments in cinema have reactions like that i am your father [Music] that sucks whistler still has a few breaths left in him as he tells blade where they took karen frost is trying to trick her up uh yeah that'll help him big time i can see why you brought a doctor into your home come here now walk away i'm just gonna last long enough to be brought back in the sequel just to die again in another sequel it's a well planned out future that lies ahead for me so blade once again breaks in the frost headquarters he turns some vampires heads into bob the tomato or about the ketchup but inside this giant macintosh cigarette case lies a big secret eric yup blade's mom is still alive and it turns out she's a vampire now and on the side of frost you think someone would have used that bombshell a little earlier man this blade guy is ruining my plans and destroying my operation honey what are you doing oh not now mother of my enemy who he doesn't know is still alive and on my side i had to figure out a way to get rid of blade wait a minute i love oreos [Music] but there's an even bigger twist to all this you spent your whole life looking for the vampire who [ __ ] your mother well here i am well it's a small convoluted world after all weird after capturing him karen reveals a secret about the cure she's created if it works you lose your strength and your ability to regenerate you'll be completely human huh so the cure is totally freaking useless don't get me wrong i know she uses it on herself but from a story perspective what happens she gets bitten they say they didn't get to it in time so she makes a cure if you just cut out them not getting to it in time which adds nothing to the plot at all the cure is entirely not needed but it's okay because if you love pointless drawn out moments you're gonna love what's coming up next see here's the setup frost needs to lay out 12 of the vampire council in this ancient temple with blade's blood combining with them this one night because through comic book mumbo jumbo it'll make him a vampire god silly but whatever sounds kind of fun there's possibilities with it the downside is where it took me only a few seconds to say all that it takes the movie 10 minutes to do it yeah they just kind of sit around talk laugh talk talk and laugh laugh and talk all we want to see is the action but it takes for friggin ever with detours but i know what you're thinking through all of this whatever happened to karen's doctor friend the one who got bitten what you weren't wondering that well we're gonna spend a lot of time on it anyway because hey there's nothing better we could be doing and we know it's eating you up inside with curiosity he's a zombie now yeah you do the math on that one it's some sort of [ __ ] side effect that sometimes happens after being bitten sure and vampire sparkle too but who cares about that because who cares about all of this it's literally just 10 minutes of slow boring filler and it feels like an eternity you're afraid we're gonna steal your soul your pure blood spirit you should be read the prophecy it's time you [ __ ] contributed something to the cast even if frost is right you really think he cares about you you're gonna die well i guess he wasn't needed for the ceremony but they just bring him along because he looks like william fitchner because to be fair every movie needs more william fitcher after the ceremonial ripping open of the shirt very necessary karen escapes and tells blade to suck her blood to get his strength back all while the temple is turned into a human plasma ball of course old vampire skeletons have tiny skeletons inside of them just trying to get out with wings how long do we have to wait again okay okay blade does freud proud by penetrating his mother with a long hard bone resulting in him finally jumping in to get revenge i got two new hands blade i don't know which one to use to kill you with [Applause] well doesn't matter what i do now i am never topping that throughout the rest of the film from here it's all the cool stuff you wanted to see amazingly flippable guards ripping out a guy's throat just to throw it at another guy being launched in the air via nut kick even the stuff that's kind of stupid is really awesome like how karen continues to hit everything except what she's supposed to hit this weird scene where they keep kicking the air for some reason massness mass mist mastness massness massness mass mist massness and the fact that even though there's weapons that can clearly kill vampires nobody ever thinks of using them on blade what do you got there a plank of wood oh yeah that'll take him down oh a shovel that has to be his undoing blade destroyed by deadly shovel you guys really thought you'd be gods you're using wood alyssa's feet aliens from signs is not gonna do much but who cares because there's still kick-ass gory amazingness all building up to the final boss hey blade let's do this [Music] but it looks like his blood is made from pizza cheese as well as some other cartoony extras finally the time has come for me to stop doing those stupid evape commercials but blade finds the serum that makes vampires go boom and he unloads them on frost resulting in him saying his big finishing line some [ __ ] are always trying to ice skater bill that is a really weird note to go out on to this day i can't figure out if that was really clever or one of the dumbest lines ever said by a comic book character what do you think the other variations were some other truckers are always trying to put diesel in their suvs some peanut m m's are always trying to melt in your hand but not in your mouth some sushi patrons are always trying to mix their soy sauce with wasabi some fast food lovers are always ordering little caesars without the crazy bread some vacationers are always trying to go to disney world at peak times when it's obvious that mid-november through mid-december is the best time to go i mean seriously just bring a sweater and you'll be fine and don't forget to take advantage of those hotel villages with free shuttle bus service full price for their monorail access resorts i don't think so mouse he kicks the last needle into his head finishing him off so i guess he can't put himself together after that being a god just means being slightly less destructible than you already were good to know that the ancient gods of old can't compete with head blowy up science so we all know the drill blade and caring kiss and a romantic embrace even though they have very little in common i need to get back to the lab it's not over there's still a war going on and i have a job to do uh i don't think you know how this works he's a dude you're a chick you have to end up together even if you have no chemistry at all it's like a law you want to help make me a better wow really they don't get together there is such a thing as a man and a woman working together in an action film and they don't have to hook up quickly tumblr rewrite this ending so that not only do they get together but they have 20 children all with different sexual identities if 20 sexual identities don't exist make them up you're good at that we travel to moscow for really no reason except to get this cool shot and we end with him hunting vampire ass once more and that was blade an overlooked comic book staple and to be honest still pretty damn cool okay the writing's not always good and there's a lot of 90s cheese but there's just a style and a creativity to it that still makes it really enjoyable it's not too mopey that it can't be fun but it's not too silly that it can't be serious it's visually awesome its characters are entertaining and the action is still impressive and gets you sucked in it got people saying comic book movies could be cool at a time when they were being seen as box office pearl harbors this is one of the films that helped get movies like dark knight and iron man into the spotlight again so if you want something that rarely makes sense but still a pretty rocking good time this is definitely one to take a look at i'm the nostalgia critic and some fruit by the foots are always a few inches short [Music] [Music] [Music] hello i'm the nostalgia critic i remember it so you don't have to let's talk about sorry it's just when i talk about certain people they have a bad habit of bursting into the studio mid-sentence so with that said let's talk about guillermo del toro yeah hello del toro buenos dias human i hope you don't mind i have my monster kick down your door is he house broken he broke into your house no seriously he [ __ ] all over the floor okay can you get rid of him please only if done in artistically poetic way i don't care just do it certainly damien the sun is a lie [Music] [Music] del toro that was amazing yes here's an award for something so what's your next flawless project well for my next project i decided to do something new different it's called monsters are cool bad people are bad that is different it already sounds brilliant brilliantly brilliant except i just decided i do not want to yeah it's beneath you you're worth so much more you're amazing that's incredible yeah del toro is kind of a hot thing right now what started out as a fan base of movie monster lovers has turned into a pop culture phenomenon with people praising the artistic style and dramatic substance of a true visionary and when i say visionary i mean he has a very distinct look and feel usually focusing on the weird outcast being the heroes and large aggressive forces being the villain you always know when you're watching a del toro movie but in terms of stories and characters a lot of them seem a little familiar not in a bad way i mean the inspired sources are still cool things to take from it's just for a guy praised for his originality a lot of what he does doesn't seem that new because of this i just don't see his movies as perfection you dare blasphemy del toro he won best picture for the shape of water he's changing the hollywood system you really think that was the best picture of the year and it wasn't just the academy virtue signaling in what way it's about loving whoever you want the close-minded conservative is the villain he was directed by a minority and octavius spencer was in it maybe we should have rethought this argument i don't think del toro is bad honestly i just don't think he's the second coming of jesus either speaking of which i have decided to do haunted mansion movie again maybe not oh was it worth it yeah you could do better i don't know i feel like the best equivalent of what del toro can achieve as a director can be summed up in blade too yeah i directed that oh yeah i did i did that it was brilliant it's a masterpiece in its own right smells like monster feces [Music] released in 2002 this is not del toro's best movie by a long shot but it does deliver exactly what it promises has some cool visuals along the way and is by no means perfect but still has a unique passion that makes it a fulfilling experience it's a solid movie despite there being a lot of strange goofy and over-the-top elements but that's also part of what makes it so much fun it's del toro just kinda doing his thing giving us weird outcasts lots of gore cool monsters and dark shadows for them to hide in in my opinion it's the perfect movie to show del toro's repeated strengths but it also clearly shows his repeated weaknesses too not that they're overbearing but they are a bit easier to spot in something not quite as award grabby so we're gonna look at this zany flick because it's one of the few del toro movies people can accept as just a zany flick let's start ice skating uphill this is stop i have decided to do hobbit part 4. maybe not good call yeah it's not worth your genius here have an award anyway gracia i'm sure you did something great in last 10 minutes oh blade 2. the film opens at a blood bank in the czech republic as a sickly looking man named nomak played by luke goss is eager to get involved in the blood biz so to speak where did you get that scar on your chin childhood accident a little boy made fun of me for being in tekken so i accidentally punched his childhood it looks like big shock these are vampires and nomak has a rare blood type they want to drain out of him what is this this is a good news bad news scenario jared bad news for you oh god i'm in an elm street movie aren't i please say i don't go out via power glove but nomak attacks as it appears he's a different kind of monster everyone says that after seeing vampire academy cut to blade played again by wesley snipes getting ready for his next mission as the credits roll they call me the day walker when they're not calling me the tax dodger there got that joke out of the way now we can be friends again he says he's looking for whistler which is confusing seeing how we saw him kill himself in the last film but if there's anything david esquire is great at it's giving character satisfying deaths he chases down some vampires who might have some info on where to find him but not that one he presumably knew nothing now guillermo what was your thought process on focusing on the fake effect for so long yes was it a statement to say that movies need to have better effects no it's just a rush production even i don't like the effect i just got chills inspiringly inspired it's true dick you're a dick i'm officially starting a petition that wisley snipes never change so what's the [ __ ] reason whistler is still whistling dixie [Music] makes you wonder did the vampire killing bullets in blade's gun not work was whistler not a vampire yet even if so i think a vampire killing bullet would probably do the same thing to a 60 year old man did the vampires drop by blaze hideout after blade defeated frost to get whistler weird ass strategy to say the least okay let's be honest we all know what actually happened here i'll walk away ah [ __ ] i'll never balls to do this um that was me a fire of a gun i'm dead dropping the gun to the floor because i'm dead don't bring your delicious blood-filled body back here one of the vampires takes blade to where they're holding whistler while they're doing blood coke no no not well as blade makes himself at home and kicks some ass though honestly the stunts aren't quite as good as the first time that was literally a hop in a skip why'd he even do that it is still fun though because it still played badassing it up that's the sound of a man who just remembered he's wesley snipes he finds whistler and that thing from empire strikes back as blake takes him to his hideout and gives him a cure that hopefully works he has a flashback of his poignant death and now means nothing as he opens the blinds and finds he's back to normal or as normal as mr grumpy pants can be how do you feel like hammered [ __ ] how chris christopherson usually grates the morning he's introduced to blade's new gear man or gearboy scud play bike get this norman reedus yeah that norman reedus josh you can call me scott though that's what he does laugh all you want but you give that man a baby every vagina on the internet turns into that crazy lady from roger rabbit but you want the weirdest cameo in the movie it's not from rita's it's not from christophson it's not even from any of the memorable cast it's from the powerpuff girls for whatever reason the powerpuff girls are the only thing on tv in this universe i have nothing against them but what the hell do they have to do with blade like at all seriously del toro what's up with that yes why that breath-taking choice no that is very funny story see noonline is owned by warner bros warner brothers owns cartoon network so i just thought it was a funny show i love buttercup ah if only blade had a crossover with the powerpuff girls it shall be gone yeah that may be not absolutely a waste of time vampires are detected in their hideout though and they gear up for a fight i don't know what's funnier the fact that they land right in front of whistler expecting not to be seen or the fact that whistler lets him take him down with virtually no resistance he looks like he's patiently waiting for someone to kick his ass please take away my gun please punch me please kill me for real next time in blade three okay are you really using your sword handle to fight me dick you're a dick this sword fight more than makes up for the so-so fight in the beginning that is except for one thing oh sorry i must have switched to ladybug and cat noir what the hell is this these effects are abysmal even for back then it goes from some really kick-ass sword fighting to some of the worst cg these movies have ever seen and that's saying quite a bit a fight between woody and buzz would look more convincing than this buddha not luke and i just remembered i can use my voice so i'm doing that three minutes into the fight smart we represent the ruling body of the vampire nation they're offering you a truce i don't know why you took us leaking in and blacking out your cameras the wrong way take off your mask ah they've taken the smeg they ask blade for help as something is apparently killing off vampires and they need his assistance to track them down so they bring him to the capital of the vampire nation and introduce him to their overlord it has been said be proud of your enemy and enjoy his success it has also been said you're a douche i like that one better carol coonan you're human barely i'm a lawyer i hate how much i love that joke they say a mutation of the vampire gene found in nomak turned him into a creature called a reaper who feeds on vampires and or turns them into reapers as well you want me to hunt them for you when they have finished with us what do you think they'll turn on next twilight fair well obviously after that human with a brief appetizer of johnny depp be man what do you think sounds like a plan what do you really think they're gonna [ __ ] us the first chance they get can i point out that dozens have signed that petition since i announced it a few minutes ago they agreed to play along hoping they'll get deeper into the vampire world than they've ever been before thus they're introduced to the blood pack a unit trained to hunt blade but now they have to work with him you smell that something smells amazingly awesome oh could it be the badassness of ron pearlman yeah see pearlman is the man pearl in every cinematic oyster he's in always stealing the show with his tough aggressive attitude his army tank of cool cannot be contained here he's a member of the blood pack and one of the main antagonists of blade building up a tension-filled rivalry oh my god this is gonna be awesome indeed it is so what's his first line me and the uh gang were can you blush here we go poppy did that cracker son of a [ __ ] just say what i thought he said no no no no what he said was can you brush i think that's what he thought he said yeah that's what i thought he said yeah isn't it great you see the blunt pack they all get behind him got behind him yeah you know to show how bad there in a fun way actually there's some debate about what this line actually means i'll admit at first i didn't fully get it so i went online to look it up not surprisingly others can't quite figure it all out either on the one hand it's clearly a callback to the racial slur even down to blade insulting him back by calling him adolf adolf here gets the first shot but there's other black vampires this guy has been around hell there's even one right in the room as he says it so it doesn't make a whole lot of sense some have speculated it's actually a reverse of the insult because as vampires they can't blush but blade is half human so perhaps he can the idea would be him being able to blush would be the mocking point and so they're using the slur as a flipped around way of insulting him bottom line if we have to talk this much about an evil line in order to understand it well how would an actual funny evil genius put it if you have to explain a joke there is no joke exactly it's a shitty line for a character you're not supposed to like anyway is that about right i just wanted you to hate the guy do you oh yeah yeah then shoot the hell out and enjoy the movie okay but i'm taking one of your awards back i have more woods than socks you'll see blade doesn't like the confusing insult so he places an explosive device in the back of pearlman's head you've been taking orders from me any questions say a vampire bites a werewolf and he has to hold on to his blood in order to survive because of the blood moon can he blush blade asked that he'd be taken to where vampires feed thinking they'll find the reapers there he's taken to a spot but doesn't see any of the vampire markings have a closer look because of you we've had to rethink our habits so let me show you exactly how to find them we're really stupid but hell with this [ __ ] let's get to the coolest part of any movie like this weapon porn this hyper velocity state gun splits out of silver pneumatic syringe deliveries 45 nine millimeter caliber oh yeah oh tell me how it works vials are filled with an anticoagulant called edt all the foil capsules that chip hot white a couple of these babies to a nitrogen oh yeah oh you're gonna kill some [ __ ] with that aren't you cartoon automatically modified the guns entry lights uv filters enough explosives to level the city blocks once punched with this should blow your target up oh it's like the movie becomes the only manual instructions you're allowed to read whistler is told to stay outside though as they think he's too old to keep up so the blood pack's calling the shots now huh the sad part is they're kind of right whistler is a little bit of a pain in the ass in this complaining how people are doing things wrong complaining how he's left out of the loop it's like watching cable news just seeing an old guy [ __ ] and moan about everything where'd you dig up this [ __ ] bro [ __ ] blood clots for two years enough of their world i'm jerk off [ __ ] with my life's what the hell's that supposed i built this operation you ass white some of us can't see in the darkness no it's not a funny book how rude [ __ ] breaks because there's no [ __ ] you doing what are you crying about you don't have to live here so played in the blood pack enter a club where vampires hang out you gotta be kidding me i mean a place where vampires rave i have never seen that since the first movie yeah i have no idea why i said that live while some partaking literal tongue lashing the reapers are getting ready to strike mother's milk no really in eight years i'm totally gonna be a sex symbol but none of my girlfriends believe me no man captures the overlord's daughter nissa played by lenore varela but blade intercepts him what am i to you is the enemy of my enemy my friend or my enemy let's compromise and save frenemy you look good penis dick that might be the silliest reaction to a gunshot i've ever seen that's more how a cartoon mascot reacts when he finds his favorite cereal five vocal for croco pops the other reapers start attacking two as they don't have much time to catch them stallone 96 underrated classic red box it tonight [ __ ] man don't waste the bullets also aiming it would have worked better if you were aiming jackass so i had to admit from a design standpoint the reapers are kind of boring they're just bald vampires that make zombie sounds couldn't something make them a little bit more unique well that raised the awesome to jesus surfing on the dinosaur meanwhile blake hitches up with nomak and these two hate each other so much they literally punch each other while falling in slo-mo well i can't wait for the ground to finish you off i want you dead now the sun starts to burn him though as blade wins this round and i have to admit the action and the monsters in this are pretty solid it's not anything spectacular but you really are turning in a fun dark imaginative flick well it is great when you have fans who appreciate fun dark imaginative entertainment oh yeah that's always how it starts tim burton one minute you're the cinematic master of dark fantasies the next year the filler material in between disney projects you think you're the new auteur of gothic whimsy you're not even wearing a black shirt uh look tim it seems like you've had a little bit too much to drink so why don't you do you think they're gonna stay with you your fans that see you as a poetic artist they'll turn their back on you the minute you make a mars attacks tim why don't you go direct beetlejuice too is that all you think i am a rehasher of [ __ ] that's already been done no it's literally next movie you signed up for ah yeah i forgot i even agreed to that tim we have a review we're in the middle of so if you could i used to be the big [ __ ] me i was the one people turned to for weird superheroes and bizarre creatures you just wait to taro this is your future your face here baby oh god someone called danny devito to pick me up don't worry del toro that's not going to be you yeah you're not going to be remaking old properties minus fumes pinocchio well [ __ ] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] so whistler finds one of the reapers over a hole and they suspect that's where they'll find the rest of them after a pretty cool examination scene with one of them nissa tries to figure out why blade is so cold to the people that for years tried to kill him yeah weird right the way you talk to them us why do you hate us so much we just want to do every terrible thing you could hate a person for you know the thirst better than any of us the only difference between us is that i'm at peace with what i am a long time ago that and i would have said no to us marshalls tommy lee jones was in a chicken suit for god's sake so they gear up for round two as they journey underground and hunt the reapers but the vampires betray whistler and figure killing him would even the score for them losing their team member huh makes you wonder why whistler didn't use his radio while he was getting the [ __ ] beat out of him i hate to be a bother damn it but can you get me a pound of aspirin and a blowfish to stick up your ass for a green to this [ __ ] mission the whistler reaps the benefit so to speak as the reapers kill his attacker and he regroups with the rest of the team take that son oh there's a reaper there that's lucky you obviously do not know who you are [ __ ] with i stole a rule from prince in a michael jackson video google that [ __ ] [ __ ] from goddamn prince now look at this epic shot boy for saying bullets don't work they sure do work blade sets off a giant case of light bombs which i have no idea how light bombs work but apparently they can travel down tunnels of course water is impenetrable to light blade says it so now it's science nomak finds whistler and says he'll let him live if he delivers a message to blade i'm a gazillion years old what makes you think i can hear you why are you whispering anyway afraid the ninja turtles will intercept he says burn bad so blade gives her some of his blood to save her and seriously who would have thought you couldn't trust a vampire huh you've done a great job not that great they wake up in a blood chamber at the vampire headquarters where whistler tells nomax secret that he was created by the vampires as the genetic means to get rid of their weaknesses you want to explain how nomak got a hold of this ring i would have thought that was obvious at this point man even the overlord is mocking how predictable the script is i give it to him of course a gift from father to son well that angers me so much i'm gonna pout and run away you're not so cool i can do that too boom help oh he tries detonating the bomb on proma's head but it looks like scud betrayed him as well and says the bomb is a fake god vampires lawyers guys named scud who can you trust in this world what do you think about that man two things i've been on to you too it's not a dud oh dick you're a dick two things one if you knew about it how come you never used it to your advantage two why use the bomb on easily the most non-threatening person in the room probably because of three it's just cool to see daryl get blowed up oh now they'll never finish silent hills they knock blade out and say his blood like always is the missing key to their evil plans thus he spends a good chunk of the climax on a table half alive as guards were not paid to look slightly to our left or a teeny bit up oh we suck but it looks like whistler breaks free and sneaks in to save blade blade needs blood though so he's dropped into willy wonka's blood fountain where he gets his strength back ladies and gentlemen the coolest usage of a crystal method song ever [Music] i guess we'll just stand back here until it's our turn but why just taking the song man taking the song gotta love how after all this martial arts blade takes out the final guy with a wwe body slam well like my daddy said right before he killed my mom want anything done right you gotta do it yourself i am instantly sad i'm never gonna know this character's backstory blade stops the sword mid whoosh and gives the call back can you blush oh did you take this as a race thing i wanted to know being a half breed oh that was awesome [Music] is it possible to jizz a rainbow because i just did the overlord tries to escape but nisa traps him for risking her life as well as her men and her brother speaking of which seriously we can cure ugly in the near future that was the wrong thing to say wasn't it yeah okay lesson learned another fantastically hcg effect in three two well now we know what happens when the characters from reboot wrestle blade finally finishes him off and tends to the dying nissa i want to see the sun okay but don't look right at it or you'll do some serious damage no vampire hunter humor there and you're dead meanwhile in london the vampire that told blade where to find whistler is off to a peep show hey what the hell i ordered a naked whistly snipes look-alike naked oh [ __ ] ah looks like my horoscope was correct blight 2 is a whole lot of fun certainly clunky at times but the right amount of inventive stunts monsters gore and characters to make it pretty enjoyable it's a creatively serviceable film which is what i think del toro is good at turning in like i said before i don't think this is anywhere near his best i'd probably say something like pan's labyrinth is closer to that but it's a good representation of him taking a genre giving it his bin and turning out something pretty decent to some del toro might be a trailblazing genius to me he's just a cool guy who makes cool movies and all i gotta say is what the hell is wrong with that i'm the nostalgia critic i remember hey where'd everybody go so what is your next project well it's about an outcast who's constantly [ __ ] on and a bunch of weird stuff happens too that is amazing coincidence because mine is about outcasts who constantly gets [ __ ] on amazingly weird stuff happens too oh really yeah maybe not do any of the characters wear black do you even need to ask [Laughter] y'all doing okay oh it's wonderful once they realize that they're just trying to rip off every monster movie ever made they became best friends wait where are these know that yeah i thought it was about convincing you the fans that's what changed everything yeah but that would mean i mean they were wrong and the fans are never wrong ah well whatever agreement you came to i hope it results in a lot of creativity in the future hey how about this godzilla but it's a metaphor for an angsty loner and he's wearing black i knew one day you would come gracias gracias i'm the nostalgia critic i remember it whatever it is no no don't you give up on me don't you give up on me i need to become the shape of water you're human barely i'm a lawyer you dare [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] [Music] hello i'm the nostalgia critic i remember it so you don't have to well after the smash hit blade and even bigger smash hit blade 2 new line decided no let's do a bad one [Music] released in 2004 and directed by human punching bag for at least one more video david s goyer blight trinity let down tons of fans not by being the worst comic book movie but by being another comic book movie say what you want about the first two but they were big over the top and left an impression this third installment is both more and somehow less of what we've already seen before with such a crazy plot as blade versus dracula which already would have been a better title how could any film make that uninteresting well this flick found a way and we're gonna analyze how it did it let's see why some [ __ ] are still trying to ice skate a pill how can a series with a line like that end on a bad note this is blade trinity the film opens up with ryan reynolds hell yeah talking about the famous count pretty much saying you don't know drak in the movies dracula wears a cape some old english guy always manages to save the day with crosses and holy water but everybody knows the movies are full of [ __ ] don't believe me keep watching cut to a temple being entered by four vampires as goth spock seems to locate the no longer resting place of old vlad oh [ __ ] the security spencer strobe light has been activated they cut before the dollar store rave begins to an interview with a psychiatrist and the chief of police so naturally let's talk about vampires true health can only be achieved if we reconcile the body and the mind how's it fitting with vampires are you really shocked this is on cable news you should focus in on characters like this blade criminal i want to hear about this character blade this is already kind of a problem i get the feeling this film wanted to do like frank miller's dark night where there's news commentary on batman but blade was fun because he was so secretive he was fighting a war between these ancient beings that kept this all under wraps and he was good at staying under wraps too now he's referenced on talk shows blade is a troubled individual to be fair this is the kind of story fox news would run when they're slipping in the ratings cut to blade played again by wizzly snipes hunting down bloodsuckers with his mentor whistler played again by chris christopherson [Music] the one thing every wesley snipes movie gets right wesley snipes honestly the opening fight sequence is fine not as much martial arts but an appropriate amount of badass silliness things go south though when blade discovers one of them is human and this was all a setup to frame him for murder this guy's pretty happy for being a pawn sacrifice set your sorry ass up i mean for this you'll get off easy but wait till you see the audit coming your way man as the fbi turns him into public enemy number one and they try tracking him down meat is eating it up they're waging a goddamn pr campaign now it's not just vampires we gotta worry about it's hashtags msnbc replacing your voice actor even though you ain't a cartoon [ __ ] you around i'm hungry and i wanna eat somebody i do like the idea that city life is so strange vampires can say out loud who they want to kill and nobody cares baby on board oh looks like we got ourselves a combo meal fools don't you know when you see french bread in a paper bag it's always fake groceries it's like barrels in an action movie they're there to be destroyed [Music] [ __ ] you [Music] damn the bird lady from home alone 2 cleans up nice this is abigail played by jessica biel who's doing a much better job protecting herself than blade and whistler whose hideout is being broken into by police let's catch a plane wilson time to take these cowboys down let's go let's go let's go hey remember in the first film when they said i can go to the police they own the police remember what a creepy idea that was and it gave you the magnitude of how big this all is they even had that one cop henchman who worked for him oh now they're just schmucks like if they own the police why do they need to frame him just send the cops to begin with it's like killing off whistler just to bring him back just to kill him off again clip's a little delayed on this one there we go angry reaction yes whistler blows himself up rather than be taken prisoner and you do have to ask the question how is blake gonna react to that because we've already seen this in the first film he was paralyzed with grief and in the end he couldn't even look at him pull the trigger before turning it was a quiet powerful moment obviously they have to do something different the second time he dies and well it is different [Music] i think we need a play-by-play of that you'll notice he limbo's and pelvic thrust both at the same time as if to say i hate your low bar death now take my dick we then cut to an awkward green screen keying effect in which we see a keyed blade actually looks less three-dimensional than a keyblade next he impressively lays an egg off-camera the crew thought he had a case of the squatting shits again but he was just giving birth to paltry and finally it ends with his reaction every time somebody asks if he was into wong fu it's a shame the academy didn't consider this for an award but i'm sure snipes would have preferred a ceremony people would watch hello blade he's arrested and approached by the psychiatrist from the opening who no doubt takes the murder of the hundreds of people that blade killed very seriously i think somebody here wants to talk about vampires vampires you're the doctor everybody thinks about when they hear the president has to take a mental test before serving tell me about blood you drink blood you ever feel sexually aroused sorry i was the doctor for angelina jolie i have to ask everybody that now i'm starting to wonder what your relationship with your mother was like the very sweet taste of saliva delicious physical intimacy mr goyer did your doctor's therapy notes work their way into this somehow it turns out the psychiatrist is working for the vampires as the parker posey posse arrives to take him away to flesh you out i have to admit she might be my favorite part of the movie as she looks like popsicles of stephen dorf and brad dorf melted onto the face of a monster high doll i should have ripped his bleeding heart out when i had the chance have a king we had played we had him if her job is to suck the blood of the scenery she's the human equivalent of the sound effect but the party is crashed by [ __ ] you which i think is the perfect way to sum up this film in the series who's played by ryan reynolds he rescues blade and gets him back on his feet abigail joins him as well and reveals herself to be whistler's daughter yeah i think i see why they're flickering the lights here if you take out the sound effects it does not look like they're hitting these people that hard if at all strange to replace the martial arts with flashlight tag football uh keep running keep running keep running keep running keep running we're [ __ ] oh yeah yeah our now dumbasses blade rescues his rescuers and they catch a ride out of there no he was just on his way to his fourth h [Applause] [Music] [Applause] so blade is introduced to the night stalkers which sounds like help me out here sounds like rejects from a saturday morning cartoon a guy who hunts vampire said that think it over ever wonder what the male equivalent of cyboob is i used to be one of course ryan reynolds discovered it speaking of which he gives the lowdown about what they're up against her name is danica talos and unlike typical vampires her fangs are located in her vagina moving on reynolds might be the only dweeb turned superhero while he was a superhero if he's supposed to be the cool one who's supposed to be the geeky one ah holy [ __ ] um gentlemen and hottie i too wished he was picked for this role have you ever been laid many times with ladies not that there's anything wrong with being laid by a man you know it's ironic this pattern oswald would probably be called out by current patent oswald meanwhile we see the vampires are seeking to destroy blade by calling on the help of the risen dracula played by dominique purcell whose powers include moving at the speed of a living statue you're nothing but shadows of your former solves look how far you've fallen now if you've seen this guy on shows like prison break you know he's a really good actor but casting him as dracula the vampire lord of darkness is an impressive miscast to say the least i get what they're going for like the ultimate lethal specimen so he'd be really big and strong but look at him he's not the ultimate vampire he's the ultimate vampire henchman if you saw him in a lineup of draculas you think he'd be the one bodyguarding these guys with that said he does get a funny scene when he observes how people see him years later we've got dracula lunch boxes bobble heads even vampire vibrators dracola makes you want to cry doesn't it agreed you came up with dracola but not dicula for the vibrator boy they really wanted to emphasize the count part over the chocolate element back then didn't they it's okay everybody will look at you differently once the dark universe gets rolling blade helps the night stalkers try to locate dracula while also helping speak to a younger hipper crowd she likes to listen to mp3s when she hunts it's like her own internal soundtrack you know dark core trip hop yeah there's a problem we had with blade not cool enough i mean come on there's no better way to end an interrogation when your victim's phone rings like this it's for you hello replace that man with the old can you hear me now guy and i'd be happy they locate me for round two but he runs away because you know he's the most powerful vampire he kidnaps a baby though forcing him and blade to chat look at them down there scurrying around like insects wrong lugosi roll you're imitating but i'm curious to see where this goes i think this line was written just to see if snipes would say it of course he would it's been about an hour in the film since whistler died maybe his daughter should have some kind of reaction to it [Music] guess that's it back to reynolds not being funny say we wipe out all the vampires what then huh i don't picture you teaching karate at the local y he hates me doesn't he everybody does 12 more years it'll be worth it later blade and abigail confront one of the fbi agents at a vampire location did i mention yet that snipes has all the best scenes what's behind door number one they'll kill me kill you [ __ ] i'll kill you i'll just enjoy it better why do i get the feeling they always allowed one take for him to do whatever he wants so that's where chicken mcnuggets come from after seeing how hot dogs are made the nice stalker's hideout is broken into by dracula who kills everyone [Applause] i guess i could act but i don't wanna he takes the daughter of one of the members and abigail discovers her dead teammates yeah her father dying wasn't a big deal but this lady you never shared a line with pulled niagara falls out for that man blade's bedtime manner once again flawless use it use it use it duh he would have been a great dad daddy i had a nightmare [Music] well how do you follow up this apparently emotional moment [ __ ] you know films aren't buffets right you don't just grab random moments to put on your plate give reynolds credit this is the one good laugh he has in the movie clearly this dog has a bigger dick than you how i was talking to her pretty good pretty pretty good of course it is followed by this weird line and how about everyone here not saying the word dick anymore it provokes my envy i don't even know what joke to put to them moving on they grab a serum that apparently can kill dracula because it's always a serum isn't it and they head out to save reynolds not gonna lie i kind of thought the henchmen would be a little less wework employees i have a startup i have a startup i have a startup i have a startup i have a startup i have a startup to die i was born ready [ __ ] [ __ ] i like that we're in vancouver everybody was too polite to talk that way blade battles dracula but i'm not gonna lie ryan reynolds battling triple h a little cooler this is just how me and sandra bullock rehearse for the proposal he transforms into i don't know darth maul's hemorrhoid but the serum is injected into him killing him off the fbi break in and find blade unconscious and they try to operate on him as he was affected by the serum ii and i'll just say it i don't follow this ending he attacks everyone looks at this doctor like he's gonna kill her and then it cuts randall's ending narration tries the key word being tries to explain and blade the virus didn't kill him and so he slept waiting for the moment when he could walk the earth again what the hell does that mean yeah no [ __ ] i've never done this before but i'm actually gonna look up what happened because i'm so confused okay so dracula's shape-shifted into blade and was taken to the hospital where he killed everybody blade woke up out of a coma sometime later and now continues to search for him okay not only is that lame it's confusingly lame i think poochie had a more detailed epilogue than that that's it that's really the note you're ending these films on okay that was blate trinity it was pretty weak there's an occasional cool moment or good laugh but compared to the other two just compared to action movies in general it's just dull all of these actors are mad talented and can bring a lot to a film like this but whether it's the writing editing directing or production notes it never gets off the ground the characters have no chemistry with each other hell some have no lines with each other everything you're supposed to care about is minimized it looks ugly as [ __ ] it's just not impressive i keep hearing marvel is gonna reboot this franchise and apartment does kind of feel bad because the first two are so unique and a lot of fun but i guess if future movies in this series was gonna be like this it's a damn good time to start over speaking of reboots i think they just dropped off the next film i'm supposed to review [Applause] [Music] guccigo you

Channel: Channel Awesome

Views: 369,959

Keywords: channel awesome, nostalgia critic, doug walker, blade, blade marvel, blade movies, blade review, blade movie review, blade 1998, blade II, blade trinity, wesley snipes, blade 2 review, blade 3 review, movie, film, review, marvel, marvel movies, comics, comic book movies, 90s movies, bad comic book movies, blade franchise, blade films, vampire movies, marvel comics, blade II review, blade trinity review, compilation, vampire films, all the blade movies, long video

Id: GwyyXsJP6J4

Length: 73min 3sec (4383 seconds)

Published: Sun Mar 20 2022