♪♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THE SIDEWINDER,
LEE MARVIN. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JON, WHEN Y'ALL PLAY THE
SIDEWINDER, THAT'S A PARTY I WANT TO GO TO, I WANT TO BE
INVITED TO THAT PARTY IN 19 -- WHEN WAS. >> Jon: '63. >> Stephen: I WANT TO GO TO
THE PARTY AND HEARING THAT SONG, EVERYBODY HEARING IT FOR THE
FIRST TIME. >> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS! >> Stephen: I TELL YOU WHAT
PARTY I WANT TO GO TO TONIGHT BECAUSE JENNIFER JENNIFER IS
GOING TO BE HERE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I'M HAPPY AND GRATEFUL FOR ANY OF OUR GUESTS P WHO COME OUT OF
HERE. WE GOT A TASTE OF JENNIFER'S
PERFORMANCE IN REHEARSAL TODAY, AND THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO
BRING IN STRUCTURAL ENGINEERS INTO THIS BUILDING TO MAKE SURE
THIS DWELLING IS SAFE AFTER THIS PERFORMANCE BECAUSE SHE'S GOING
TO RIP THE ROOF OFF THIS PLACE. WE MIGHT HAVE TO SHUT DOWN. THIS MIGHT BE THE LAST SHOW
TONIGHT. >> Jon: RIGHT, WE MIGHT HAVE
TOCLOSE OUT AFTER THIS. >> Stephen: LOOKING FORWARD TO
IT. YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPENT A LOT
OF TIME OVER THERE PRECISELY MEASURING THE NEWS' INSEAM,
SELECTING THE FINEST, MOST TOPICAL IMPORTED MERINO STORY
WOOL, AND THEN HAND-STITCHING IT WITH JOKES TO CREATE THE
BESPOKE, DOUBLE-BREASTED SAVILE ROW CURRENT EVENTS SUIT THAT IS
MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS,
I LIKE TO GATHER UP SOME USED BURLAP FROM BEHIND THE
MEAT-PACKING PLANT, DRAPE IT OVER AN ABANDONED MANNEQUIN AT
OLD MAN JENKINS' BURNED-DOWN DRESS FACTORY, AND SEW IT ALL
TOGETHER WITH SHOESTRINGS AND A STAPLE GUN, TO CREATE FOR YOU
THE HAUNTED POTATO-SACK SCARECROW OF NEWS THAT IS MY
SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S A PARK HORSE OF
ENTERTAINMENT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: A MOUNTAIN. PRESIDENTS A MOUNTAIN. >> Stephen: OF POTENTIAL
CASES. "MEANWHILE!" -- SCIENTISTS SAY A
PREHISTORIC LION CUB DISCOVERED IN SIBERIA IS THE BEST PRESERVED
ICE AGE ANIMAL EVER FOUND. SORRY, CLINT EASTWOOD. YOU'RE OUT OF THE TOP SLOT. ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, NEW YORK ISN'T THE ONLY STATE WITH A BIG
GUBERNATORIAL SEX SCANDAL, BECAUSE A UTAH RESIDENT IS
DEMANDING GOVERNOR SPENCER COX CHANGE HIS "OBSCENE" LAST NAME,
WRITING, "I DO NOT KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS, BUT WHEN PEOPLE SAY
YOUR SURNAME IT SOUNDS LIKE THE WORD ( BLEEP ). IT'S OBSCENE! US DECENT PEOPLE HERE IN UTAH
WILL NOT STAND FOR IT." "WHEN I HEAR YOUR NAME, ALL I
CAN THINK ABOUT IS PENISES. ALSO, WHEN I LOOK AT TALL
BUILDINGS, CUCUMBERS, KETCHUP BOTTLES, THOSE CLICKY PENS WITH
FOUR DIFFERENT COLORS. IT'S NOT LIKE GENERATIONS OF
SEXUAL REPRESSION HAVE TAINTED ME-- OH, NO! I SAID 'TAINT!'
I'LL SEE MYSELF OUT. GOOD DAY, SIR!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GOOD DAY, SIR!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "MEANWHILE!" -- OH, STILL THE
SAME STORY. I WAS SURE I WAS MOVING ON. ( LAUGHTER )
PLUS, WHOEVER THIS IS CLEARLY DOESN'T KNOW THEIR OWN STATE'S
HISTORY OF ACTUAL UTAH GOVERNORS, LIKE ALFRED CUMMING
STEPHEN S. HARDING GEORGE LEMUEL WOODS
NORMAN H. BANGERTER, AND LANCE R. SEX-PENIS. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE --
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, IN COFFEE NEWS, DUE TO RISING BEAN COSTS, STARBUCKS
SAYS THEY COULD INCREASE PRICES. WAIT, YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT MY
$9 LATTE MIGHT BECOME... EXPENSIVE? ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, IN FOOD NEWS, THE FALL PUMPKIN MENU AT DUNKIN'
WILL LAUNCH EARLIER THAN EVER BEFORE: FEATURING
PUMPKIN-FLAVORED MUFFINS, APPLE CIDER DONUTS, AND, OF COURSE,
PUMPKIN SPICE LATTES, ALL AVAILABLE STARTING AUGUST 18. BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE WALKING
AROUND IN 95-DEGREE HEAT, YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY HITS THE SPOT? SPICY STEAMED MILK. ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, A RESEARCH VESSEL EXPLORING MORE THAN A MILE UNDER
THE SURFACE OF THE ATLANTIC OCEAN MADE A SURPRISING
DISCOVERY: A SPONGE THAT LOOKED LIKE SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS, AND
RIGHT NEXT TO IT, A PINK SEA STAR THAT RESEMBLED PATRICK,
SPONGEBOB'S BEST FRIEND. HERE'S A LOOK. WOW! ( APPLAUSE )
THAT REALLY LOOKS LIKE THEM! ACTUALLY, I DON'T THINK WE CAN
SHOW THAT ON CBS. JIM? THANK YOU. ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, "MOST KITTENS SEE THEIR OWNERS AS PARENTS, A NEW
STUDY HAS FOUND." OKAY? SO EVERYONE, STOP COMPLAINING
WHEN I'M BREASTFEEDING MY CAT. WE'RE NOT WEIRD. YOU'RE WEIRD. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
JENNIFER HUDSON. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪
Lance R Sexpenis lmao
That letter had to be trolling right?
....
Right?
Start at 2:40