- She got into the van, and I
had to go diarrhea right then, so I went--I went into her house and
had diarrhea while she was sitting in my
parents' car, and...
[laughter] This is the reality. [dark electronic music] [bell dinging] Oh.
[chuckles] Nicely done. Yes. Mmm. Mmm! [moaning] [piglet whining] ♪ ♪ [fork clatters] ♪ ♪ [whining] ♪ ♪ [whining continues] ♪ ♪ Your mama's delicious. [cheers and applause] He is the host of
the "Worst Birthday" podcast, my man, Michael Kosta. [cheers and applause] I have a story about my first
crush. Who was your first crush? Do you remember who your first
crush was? Cassie.
Yeah, she was cute, dude. I remember Cassie. [laughter] My first crush was Katie T. I--I still remember her. Short black hair. I've always liked short hair on
women. I think it's cool when women do
that. You've got to have a pretty
face, usually, but... [laughter] I like when, you know, a girl,
like, sees what all the other girls
are doing and is like, "No, I'm doing something
different." I like that.
She had a great smile. She had a great sense
of adventure. I know that, because
that's what I wrote in my diary in fourth grade. She has a great--
I don't even know-- I still don't know
what the fuck that means. A great sense of adventure? And she had a great laugh. She had a booming laugh. And now--I'm 37 years old. I think about every woman I've
ever been in love with. They all had giant laughs. I think really what I need is
just somebody who thinks I'm funny. That's--or someone that can
pretend that I'm funny, and either way, I'm okay with
that, but I remember her laugh, and
she would screw up my stomach. I used to get diarrhea
when she would look at me, or she would twirl her hair,
or smile at me. I mean, now I know that
that usually means, you know, I like somebody, if I get
a little stomach thing. But when you're ten,
you're just like, what is this?
How come I have-- have to take a shit
every time I see Katie? [laughter] And we would carpool. And on Monday--Monday,
Wednesday, Fridays, we would pick up Katie, and on
Tuesdays and Thursdays, they would pick me up, and we
would go to school together, Angel Elementary School,
and I remember one day she was looking really cute,
and we picked her up in our red Chevy Lumina, and
she got in-- she got into the van, and I had
to go diarrhea right then, so I went--I went into her
house and had diarrhea while she was sitting in my
parents' car, and...
[laughter] This is the reality. She was just very sweet. She was very nice. I remember her mom was just a
bigger Katie. She had this big laugh, and she
was very generous and kind. She would drive 25 minutes to
the Asian market, and she would get these amazing
wasabi peas and sesame crackers, and Katie
would always offer me some of the sesame crackers,
and one day she handed me a whole bag, and I took one,
and I handed it back. She said, "No, this is from my
mother and I. This is--we just want you to
have your own bag." And why do I remember this? This was--this was 27 years
ago, and it affected me so much. I'm the youngest of four.
Nothing was my own. If you're from a big family,
nothing is yours. My winter jacket was, like, 23
years old by the time I got it. There was other--six cousins
and every sibling. There was other things in the
pockets when I got my jacket. And I remember that she gave me
my own bag of sesame crackers. This is how--this is how sweet
she was. And...
Saturdays, I played soccer. Now,
I'm a very competitive person. I've been fortunate
athletically. I played professional tennis
for four years. I'm not telling you this to
sound like an asshole. I'm telling you this because it
relates to the story. Sports is something I was good
at. And Katie shows up to
my soccer game with her mom. Saturday morning.
Here comes Katie. Here comes her mom.
This is--this is it. Here's the girl I like, and here's the thing
I'm good at. I scored six goals that day. I scored one goal as a goalie,
okay? Now... do you know how selfish
you have to be with the ball to score as a goalie? My father asked the coach to
take me out of the game. Dads ask the coach to put their
son in the game. But this was...you know, I was trying to impress Katie,
okay? Now, in my house, my mom
invented this thing called the special plate, okay? The special plate is a real
plate that you eat off of when you
achieve something or you have success. This is not a fucking joke. [laughter] It's a plate.
It has balloons on it. It say, "Hip, hip, hooray. We're proud of you for being in
our family." This is a real thing. And when you score six goals,
one as a goalie, you get to eat off the special
plate, okay? If you got an A on your
spelling test, you got to eat off the special
plate. And, you know, it sounds great,
but as you get older and you experience therapy, you
go, "Oh, this was kind of fucked
up." This was all outcome-based. This was all achievement and
success-based, right? And my dad used to just give
himself the special plate sometimes. Like, "Oh, work was tough,"
special plate. No, you can't just... Anyways, I scored six, one as a
goalie, and... did you guys hear that it was
six, one as a goalie, back here? And--hold on.
My mouth is dry. Talking about Katie affects me
physically. [laughter] So, Monday comes around,
school, and guess
who doesn't give a shit that I did six goals,
one as a goalie? Katie's not impressed. Didn't even realize it,
I don't think. You know, and this baffles me. I mean, as someone that's
coming from a family that's very focused on result
and outcome, it frustrated me, but now, you
know, you understand it. That wasn't what
her family was into. Her mom would go adopt the dogs and bring kids to the
children's hospital. This wasn't, like, their big focus. And I was bummed
that she wasn't into it. It was, you know, her loss,
as I saw it. And...now, science projects
were coming up. And this was--this was big, because I sat next diagonally
from Katie T. in Mrs. Kelce's fourth grade. Anyone else have Mrs. Kelce? [light cheering, laughter] Yeah.
And... Mrs. Kelce would pair you up with your science project
partner diagonally. That's just how
she always did it, okay? It was no guarantee, but I
felt like it was gonna happen, so once I got paired
with Katie, we'd have ample time together,
that's great. Now, I had weird Josh Barter
sitting to my right and then annoying Lindsay was
across from me, okay? And Mrs. Kelce says, "Someone has to make
an announcement in class." And Katie sheepishly walks up to the front of the class
and she says-- she starts to talk,
but she can't talk. She's crying.
She's too sad. And she runs to Mrs. Kelce,
and Mrs. Kelce hugs her and says, "Katie's mom is sick, "and she's in the hospital, and Katie's gonna be
missing some school." And it was very sad.
And we were all sad. And we made
one of those giant cards that you make, you know-- well, the Asian kid designs it, and then everyone else
kinda...signs it. And we sent it off
to Katie's mom. And...so the next day, Mrs. Kelce's assigning science
projects, but there's a wrinkle, okay? Weird Josh Barter isn't there,
okay? Turns out he left. Do you remember the kid that
just left... [laughter] And nobody gave a shit? There was--there was no cake. There was no card. And he was weird, Josh. He--one time I looked in his
backpack, and there was, like, a shotgun
shell in there, and you're like... So he's gone, so now what
happens? I--I should still be paired up
with Katie T., but who's with annoying
Lindsay, right? Nobody. So Mrs. Kelce starts pairing
us off, okay? And she's doing it diagonally,
thank God. So this is gonna get me some
ample time with Katie T. Maybe I can figure out the
whole diarrhea thing. And she gets to Katie, and maybe it's 'cause
Katie's mom is sick-- I don't know what it was--
but she says to Katie, "Katie, you can pick
who you wanna-- you wanna be with Lindsay,
you wanna be with Michael." You know, and I'm like,
well, that's--that's... you know, pretty bullshit,
but... [laughter] But I'm still--
I'm still confident. You know, I scored six goals,
one as a goalie. Like, why would she not--
why would she not pick me? I'm from--I'm a Kosta.
Kostas are winners. That's how we've been--you
know. We'll eat off the special plate
together. And Katie--Katie is... very happy that she gets to
pick, 'caused nobody else get to
pick. And she picks...
Lindsay. She picks fuckin' Lindsay... [laughter] To be
her science project partner. Annoying... short... fat Lindsay,
and you can't-- you could say that then. This was 27 years ago, where
you were allowed to fat shame, so don't think of it from this
year. Put it through '89. And I was--I was broken. I mean, I...I can
actually feel it right now. And this is crazy to me, right, but it--it hurt. It--I felt vulnerable. I didn't even know what that
word meant, and I felt that. I felt a loss. I don't lose, you know. I scored six,
one as a goalie, and... [laughter] I didn't know what to do. I'm ten also. Don't forget that. I'm ten, and I'm feeling
rejected, and I'm feeling hurt. And I took that pain and I took that rejection and I took that feeling
that I did not like and was uncomfortable with
and I spoke. And I said as loud as I could
to her and everyone, I said, "I hope your mom dies
in the hospital." [crowd oohs] [laughter] Now... this... now... [laughter] Now I know,
but--but then, this was the first
of many times where my mouth would
get me in a lot of trouble. Okay? I mean, here I am at a strip
club telling a story to strangers, so... And it was
a terrible thing to say, and as soon as I
said it, Katie withered. And she became a speck. She--she started crying. She had--I had never seen
somebody so physically hurt. And... Mrs. Kelce sent her down to
the nurse's office. I was sent down to the
principal's office. I walked real slow down there. You know, now it makes me think
of when I tell my dog to go into the cage, and he
kind of, like.... [laughter] You know, and we all remember
walking down to the principal's office, and
even I at ten remember thinking, like, "God,
that was--that was dick." You know? And I sat in the principal's
office, and I saw Katie with the nurse,
and she was broken. I had--I had broken her. I had taken my pain, and I had
multiplied it by a thousand, and I had dumped it on her, and it--
it's worse than that. Because three days later,
Katie's mother dies in the hospital.
[crowd groans] This is not a joke.
This is not written. This is real. This is a real story. And I have not spoken to Katie since then. I regret that I said that. I've never apologized to her
or her family. And I realize
it's a little self-indulgent to put pain on someone and then use it
as a performance piece... [laughter] To advance my comedy career. But that's not what this is. I'm publicly here to say
to Katie that I'm sorry, and to her family, I'm sorry. and I regret that
I ever said that. Thank you very much. - Michael Kosta, everybody. [cheers and applause]
