FBI: The MAGA Maniacs Who Tried To Overthrow The Government Are Going To Pay

[Music] welcome welcome citizens to a late show i'm your host stephen colbert well fellow americans uh the big story today and we'll be talking about it in this big old thick script we got here big story today continues to be the big story from yesterday which was also the big story from last week which was really just the foul grand finale of the story from the last four years it's been six days since maga terrorists ransacked our capitol building but the danger hasn't passed yet yesterday the fbi released a bulletin indicating that armed protests are being planned at all 50 state capitals still want to be a state puerto rico there might be an opening soon the fbi warned that the armed protests are being planned from january 16th through at least january 20th four days that's not an anti-government insurgency that's a music festival it's coachella which is really the only place it's appropriate to go shirtless in buffalo horns and it's not just state capitals yesterday members of congress were briefed on three planned riots for d.c the most concerning plot would involve insurrection is forming a perimeter around the capitol in the white house and the supreme court and then blocking democrats from entering the capital perhaps even killing them so that republicans could take control of the government what kind of plan is that they're going to kill a bunch of people but after that it's just back to seventh grade civics and we're not even going to notice there's a reason the first article of the constitution isn't the house of representatives shall be composed of members chosen every second year by the people unless of course one side murders the other side in which case it's grand theft auto rules and congress did receive some helpful safety tips as they were reminded that the purchase of a bulletproof vest is a reimbursable expense good to know same reason lincoln got to write off those theater tickets for almost a week now we've had people trying to tell us what we saw isn't what we saw which is why today was reassuring to hear from fbi official stephen dentuono do i have that right let's say i have that right who made it clear the magamaniacs who tried to overthrow the government are going to pay the fbi has worked hand-in-hand with the united states attorney's office and our law enforcement partners here in d.c and across the country to arrest and charge multiple individuals who took part in the destruction in six days we have opened over 160 case files and that's just the tip of the iceberg that's an apt metaphor the maga crowd has a lot in common with icebergs cold white and when the heat is on they just melt before your eyes it was validated to hear someone anyone take this whole thing as seriously as it deserves to be clear the brutality the american people watched with shock and disbelief on the sixth would not be tolerated by the fbi the men and women of the fbi will leave no stone unturned in this investigation so maga heads who thought the feds were out to get you i'm happy to say they are now i have a feeling you'll soon be occupying another federal building for a long time then it was time to hear from acting u.s attorney for the district of columbia and i'm pretty sure the exact same guy again michael sherwin am i saying sherwin correctly sherwin let's say i am so far the mag of mob has been arrested for minor crimes like trespassing which sherwin told us things are about to get serious the fbi working with the u.s attorney's offices across the country and the crux of those being in dc we're looking at significant felony cases tied to sedition and conspiracy sedition you maga terrorists must be pretty proud you're finally being treated just like those guys whose flag you love to carry but you know who's not taking alt-right terrorism seriously at all the president yesterday he had a phone call with house minority leader kevin mccarthy seen here realizing that god has cursed him to be kevin mccarthy and instead of acknowledging what really happened the president blamed storming the capital on antifa people what the hell are you talking about you invited those rioters to your rally in washington they were wearing your shirts your hats waving your flag and they cheered when you told them to go to march on the capitol from now on neurologists are gonna hold up pictures like this okay to stroke victims and say hey can you tell me who supporters these are and if they don't say they're magga people you know it's time to take away their car keys so this antifa excuse is so ridiculous that even the normally spine-free zone of kevin mccarthy pushed back saying it's not antifa it's magga i know i was there finding out this late in the game that kevin mccarthy has the ability to name reality in the face of the president's lies is like finding out that tom hanks and castaway had a boat the whole time why didn't you use it before you idiot did wilson talk you out of it you could have been happy with helen hunt she seems very nice now on the peaceful transfer of power mccarthy told potus he should call joe biden meet with the president-elect and follow tradition and leave a welcome letter in the resolute desk for his successor well we actually have a copy of the first draft of the president's welcome letter if you ever want to see democracy again leave a wheelbarrow of chicken nuggets with the concierge in my hotel now protecting the country from its deranged ruler might come down to vice president mike pence seen here at one of the president's who should you murder next rallies house of representatives passed a resolution today asking pence to remove the president using the 25th amendment and you'd think pence would be into the idea considering the whole hang him thing but you would be dead wrong because yesterday after days of silence the president and mike pence spoke for the first time meeting in the oval office and agreed that those who broke the law and stormed the capitol last week do not represent their policy of america first well of course this mob violence wasn't america first it was in germany first so apparently it's all water under the gallows now i cannot fathom this type of self-destructive loyalty but i guess it's worth it for the reward mike was named white house employee of the week comes with a 10 coupon to subway and instructions to the mob so they can catch mike pence at subway with the 25th amendment option off the table house democrats are set to impeach the president and i'll catch you up on the latest in our back by unpopular demand segment don and the giant impeach two go fast we're furious that was a close one even though their own lives were threatened by the coup that the president instigated only a handful of republicans have backed removing him from office the rest are saying oh there's only seven days left may i remind you seven days is a long time when you let a lunatic be the most powerful man in the world if a grizzly bear shows up at a child's birthday party you don't say well there's only 45 minutes left let's just run out the clock while he gnaws on tyler make yourself bigger tyler frightens them one former senate aide explaining that for republicans holding the president accountable is still politically problematic yes republican lawmakers desperately need the president's supporters to like them i mean their hands are tied almost literally the gop has new talking points for why they think removing the president is the wrong move let's try to come together i think the first thing we need to do as leaders in america is lower the temperature and try to come together i think we need to lower the rhetoric we need to get some unity going okay let's unify in punishing all the insurrectionists and their political leaders who legitimize their homicidal fantasies there can be no healing until the sickness is identified and removed and you can do it now the tumor lost his twitter feed because unity's great i'm all for unity so republicans what what is your outreach to the other side you got to annie up you don't get to stay in the game if you don't toss in a chip of good faith the other side is going to stop this from happening again by getting rid of the guy who caused it what are you willing to do to help because so far you have done nothing they were simply certifying a free and fair election an election that you knew was free and fair but you lied about it anyway because you wanted the campaign cash and all those eyeballs and you were afraid to make your boss and his maga monster mad your lies legitimized the fantasies of a violent anti-democratic mob that nearly got you and your colleagues killed and did get a policeman murdered now you want to use your hollow calls for unity to sweep it all under the rug well good luck with that brother because the riders also pooped on your rugs now as the press conference made clear today the feds are arresting members of the maghaven in large numbers to do so the fbi has streamlined the process they've given all their field offices a list of questions to ask all potential suspects it's pretty simple stuff like were you in washington on the afternoon of january 6th do you believe the u.s presidential election was stolen and who do you root for indiana jones or the melting face nazi guy now with the help of online detectives the fbi is slowly but surely tracking these people down and arresting them case in point this jack hole in the viking hat is named jake and jelly how do we know that's his name well among other reasons angeli actually called the fbi himself to acknowledge that he was the person in photographs of the riot and told a reporter he was not afraid of arrest why does he think he can call the fbi and just explain away his crime thank you late show choir and jelly aka the q anon shaman went on to explain and even if i was arrested wasn't gandhi arrested a lot wasn't martin luther king jr arrested a lot wasn't jesus arrested yes for non-violent protest it's kind of their thing jesus never said let he whose candidate did not win cast the first stone and the second and the third hang mike pence since his arrest and jelly a failed actor who lives with his mom has gone on a hunger strike ish he won't eat in jail because he needs organic food so you've just been arrested for trying to overthrow the government of the united states in a violent coup that killed five people and you're complaining about the menu what would you even call that why privilege thank you excuse me officer i ordered the organic spinach frittata with the wheat toast i got expired ham on wonder bread i am telling you this is a warning i'm gonna give this prison zero stars okay now i'm being stabbed in the ribs that shiv better be gluten free how about some unity now brace yourself a judge ruled in angeli's favor we've learned that the shaman will get his organic food well that's just standard we all remember the anonymous federal agents and what they said this summer while shoving protesters into unmarked vans would you like the chicken or the fish chicken or the fish now we got a great show for you tonight the former director of the fbi james comey is here stick around [Music] [Applause]

Channel: The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

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Keywords: The Late Show, Late Show, Stephen Colbert, Steven Colbert, Colbert, celebrity, celeb, celebrities, late night, talk show, comedian, comedy, CBS, joke, jokes, funny, funny video, funny videos, humor, hollywood, famous

Id: WMdIJkM9H7A

Length: 13min 0sec (780 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 13 2021