PERSON: Didn't you already make a Crap Guide to Barbarian? ...Well, yes, but actually no. That one's garbage! It's shit, it's poopy-doopy, and in need of some update and polish like a live service game two minutes after release. I've gained a whopping one additional point in my Intelligence since then and I'm now superior in every way! Smarter! Stronger! More wiggly than ever before! (And this is the only one I'm doing, so don't hold your breath for the others.) (They're perfect forever.) So let's So let's start So let's start frrrom the top! [STATIC] D&D is for dorks, what with all the complex words and math. It's packed to the brim with a bunch of mechanics and systems that nobody has the time to read because they're too busy not playing D&D! But no worries, you third string athlete who occasionally looks at their old high school pictures and then reflects in the mirror wondering what happened. Lucky for you, I have a class that'll need as much brain power as varsity had to use on their midterms. And all you've got to do is learn how to throw a tiny, plastic icosahedron just like how you threw every single game Coach put you into. Welcome to a Crap Guide to D&D! [JAUNTY LUTE INTRO] Everybody likes to hit things, and D&D is the best because you can literally hit anything you want. Including the other players! And what better class to hit everything than the Barbarian who's the best at hitting things and never stopping hitting things? Having a d12 hit die means you have around a googolplex of hit points by level 2 and Unarmored Defense means the chunkier you are, the better you can block and avoid attacks because the enemy's too distracted at how your fat, hairy tits are flailing about. Better yet, you have spider-sense which allows you to avoid traps, spells, social events, and laundry like you've just moved out of your parents house and are trying to get your life together. But enough about defense. The real reason to play Barbarian is to hit it very hard going into a bloodthirsty [HEAVY METAL MUSIC] RAAAAAAGE! You can channel your anger into the might of a thousand dads who just felt the thermostat get adjusted. And during your rage, you become the world's greatest goblin juicer. You gain bonus damage, advantage on strength checks, and any and all physical attacks will bounce off of your day one patch pecs. As you gain levels, you get progressively angrier and angrier; getting a straight-up flat increase to your movement speed, an extra heavy swing when you land a crit, and become too angry to die, potentially forever, as long as you keep hitting things. As far as flavors of [HEAVY METAL MUSIC] RAAAAAAGE! goes, there's the Berserker if you want to swing your weapon like it's taped to a ceiling fan, mistake stupidity for bravery, and have an unlimited supply of Uno reverse cards. Alternatively, the Totem Warrior is like a gateway furry where you channel your favorite Robin Hood crush and pretend everybody is Prince John. Battle Ranger to become a really pissed porcupine, Storm Herald if you want to make the environment around you as pissed as you are, Zealot if you want to be a diet Paladin with a Smite and Aura that's made with zero sugar, and Ancestral Guardian if you're a scared little bitch! Offense is the ONLY offense, and I will have none of these tactics in my combat encounters! What, you thought I biggered my brain so I could think harder and waste time when all that planning fails because of a bad roll and then I have to sit around being useless for the rest of the session? What do you take me for, some kind of wizard? Well?! Do you?! HUH?! [SHOUTING] FUCK YOU! I'LL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU! YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME JUST 'CAUSE YOU CAN COUNT?! I HOPE YOU LIKE BEING PAVEMENT LOTION, 'CAUSE YOU'RE GONNA BE FILLING ALL THE CRACKS IN MY DRIVEWAY! HRGNGH!!! [SMASH] AND NOW YOU KNOW HOW TO PLAY BARBARIAN. YOU'RE WELCOME. [HEAVY METAL OUTRO]
Thrash wiggles. Perfection.
Diet Paladin?
As a zealot barb lover, I take offense to this. Paladins have this problem with dying that zealots don’t.
So delightfully aggressive.
I'm just about to play a barbarian in my new game.... I felt this so hard!!
Hilarious thank you!!!
I'm glad he redid this.
The first one had a lot of self loathing and it made me sad.
Pavement lotion
Tbh I wish he'd remake them all like this
I regret eating while expecting a nice and slow outro sequence. Food got all over my desk after I spat it out...
I liked the original better, but this is fine too.