A Crap Guide to D&D [5th Edition] - Dungeon Master

so you've got a character sheet all written out and a couple of friends who want to play d d but you're missing one vital component the world the characters the laws of physics everyone's gonna break to make for cool moments you'll commission artists on the internet to draw for you but such a role requires leadership initiative a total willingness to have a bunch of children stomp on all your ideas in favor of doing funny memes and stupid scenarios despite all that such a title has an extremely low barrier entry and is probably the most important thing at your entire role-playing table and without one the game will not exist so anybody and everybody should perform the duty at least once for the sake of their fellow players begging for a chance to experience this wonderful pastime so long as i don't have to be the one to do it what fine welcome to craft guide to dungeons and dragons the dungeon master or game master if you like clay in your soup is the mind behind the magic and who decides just about everything that happens in the game besides the player's own choices your role as a dm is to control and describe literally every single little detail that happens during the game as you are the game the game cannot exist without a dungeon master as the dm you call the shots based on how the rules work or if you don't like the rules and say shoot that poot and come up with your own otherwise how else are you supposed to know if your rule's lawyering player is giving you correct information and isn't just making an elaborate manipulative plot to trick you into giving them a pet displacer beast fortunately for you if you aren't sure or don't remember how a certain rule works you can always just look it up because being a good dm is about applying information not memorizing it unlike the american education system outside of the rules though you are the bridge between the players and the fantasy world they're playing in describing everything that's going on in excruciating detail like a radio show but with a lot more awkward pauses everything they [ __ ] marry or kill is through the context of how you describe it which means you have to be incredibly deliberate with your vocabulary and respect the oxford comma or else you might make the wrong translation of what's going on in your brain to the players who may then think the innocent bystander npc is actually a murderer because you accidentally stuttered when voicing them saying they were just doing their tasks there are quite a few ways information can be put across for the players and it all comes down to the dm's preferred style of presentation many pop culture depictions of the nerd ritual often show an ornately carved and treated mahogany table players dressed in professional cosplay on par with two thousands hollywood costumes atmospheric mood lighting that'll make a hardcore dom blush background music and ambience that's like a spa day for your ear canals and detailed miniatures maps and set pieces painted by angels using brushes made from the nose hairs of the gods now do you need all these fancy expensive and superfluous amounts of presentation and stimulus in order to have a worthwhile dungeons and dragons experience for your players of course you do fork it over [ __ ] your wallet could lose a few extra pounds but even with all the fanciest of theatrics every dungeon master has to rely on the ever prevalent theater of the mind where everyone has to use their imagination to visualize what's happening in your grand spanking fantasy world so a game of dnd doesn't have to cost hundreds of dollars and can be anything from a massive theatrical event to a hangout with the bros with cardboard cutout minis to even sitting in a restaurant with napkins for character sheets and the salt and pepper shakers or the evil queen of spice and her angry white steed no matter what you'll always eventually have to rely on the most useful creation of all mankind that can raise armies and fell nations words never underestimate the power of a good thesaurus because inevitably there will be a situation where all your fancy props won't suffice and you will have to learn how to use old english vernacular as the dm most of your responsibility all boils down to allowing the players to interact with your grand spanking fantasy world and how they do that can be summarized in one simple action rolling dice when a player wants to do something anything the dm is the one who decides if the player rolls dice what dice they roll and the outcome of the roll of the dice then just about everything else is an extension of that one single responsibility which is why nobody wants to do it because one single responsibility is far too many an extension of that the dm's the encyclopedia of the dnd game if there's history in the world it's the dm's job to know it when the players are fighting bad guys it's the dm's job to keep track of the enemy's abilities hit points and sexual orientation just in case you never know if a player resurrects their long dead uncle it's the dm's job to have read their backstory to know said uncle was a drunk rocketeer who eats horseshoe crabs and when the players bring up how the plot and characters are oddly similar to lord of the rings it's the dm's job to kick their ass the scariest part about being a dungeon master however is the improv since you can't anticipate every single possible possibility the players can possibly make possible you have to think on the fly and figure out how those possible things could be possible if the player character tries to eavesdrop on somebody you have to come up with what they hear if somebody eats too many beans and farts you gotta come up with how it smells and if the party decides to run off some other direction rather than the main plot you have to come up with what they run into like another town or a dangerous hag or even the main plot because you moved it over there since the giant glowing breadcrumbs in the shape of story progress this way wasn't obvious enough if you think you can prepare pre-written answers for every possible question the players could come up with i'm gonna have to stop you right there because no the [ __ ] you can't somebody at some point in time will do something that'll turn your no pants bad dreams into a reality and you gotta figure out then and there whether you're gonna get a new pair or just roll with it while the players see your metaphorical junk swaying in the breeze so with all that easy to digest and totally not intimidating stack of expectations that doesn't even scratch the surface of what it takes to be a dungeon master out of the way the question now becomes how does one even start being a dungeon master just do it no matter what you'll want a copy of the player handbook since it has a majority of the most common rules as far as actual content goes though the most baby-friendly way is to purchase a pre-written adventure one of these buggers which will usually have a plot characters encounters villains and plenty of faffing about material for your players however if that's too much punishment on your wallet the natural safe word is making a campaign of your own the thing about safe words though is it often stops things in their tracks so it will require you to come up with most of the aforementioned plot characters encounters villains and faffing material yourself which can take anywhere from the night of binge writing to never because you only ever think about your ideas and never write it down either way you go with once you have the skeleton of your campaign ready you got to start filling it with internal organs and as anyone who's taken biology can tell you organs are gross and messy and can often go misplaced so you just have to substitute a kidney with a moldy sponge for a bit while you go find it that is until suddenly the blood cells start making friends with a sponge and it becomes more effective than an actual kidney and you start to question everything you've ever learned in school so good [ __ ] luck figuring out how to balance spending time preparing to run a campaign and spending time actually running a campaign do you spend entire weeks drawing maps writing possible paths and dialogue options for characters down to the description of their cousin's boyfriend's dog's favorite chew toy or do you just spend the week doing some faffing about of your own and then spend the final half hour leading up to the session time frantically writing down bits from a dnd random content generator but hey once you get a game going the rest should come naturally just take it all one step at a time and you can especially relax whenever the players start to roleplay and act on their own because then you can just sit back and relax and let them have their fun and you don't even have to do dialogue for any npcs or lure dump on them or god [ __ ] the rogue tried to steal the paladin's rosary beads yes the dirty whale's underbelly of being a dungeon master is dealing with the barnacle infestation that is being the de facto babysitter of the group and then you gotta bring out the scraper of social obligation in some situations more than others the dm is expected to have a significant amount of say in organizing the playgroup since you have something of a larger leadership role for the game to exist than the players you're who the players will look to when arguing over who gets the loot you will be expected to have a bigger say on when the next session time will be and you are the one who's expected to kick out the guy who's overriding your descriptions of a pleasant smelling flower garden with a rankness of his workout stank this means that you cannot take a passive role as a dm you have control over the fan and if you see [ __ ] flying towards it you're gonna be expected to turn that fan off before the place really starts to smell like a medieval castle street with all of that said i still could not possibly cover the grand mountain climb that is explaining what it takes to be a dungeon master not to mention what it takes to be a good dungeon master and i'd seduce enough tall folk to make kanchanjunga horny for me but i believe the best possible way to show you what it takes to be a dungeon master would be a demonstration of those undergarment moistifying skills i possess lucky for your thirsty butts i've set up a dnd session with a bunch of nerds and demonstrate i shall alright unexpectables you walk into a tavern a crowd has gathered and everyone seems to be having a good time i'll accept a mysterious hooded figure in the center of the room that nobody except you all seem to notice what do you do i want to smash the ball keeper i want to smash the bar keeper nobody wants to have a chat with the hooded figure who knows it may tie into one of your backstories oh yeah that reminds me damn could you look over these notes i have about my backstory it's only a few pages long but i want to make sure to keep the authenticity of my homeland as the center point to my character development what the hell this is a [ __ ] novel i'm not reading all of this oh yeah speaking of i wanted to check in with you about this new homebrew i created for one of my backstories characters i ran it by a couple of friends and they seem to think it's pretty balanced so no need to worry about looking over it too much oh no no no no no no i know what you're trying to do you're scruffy hey dm are there any goliaths in the tavern uh no particular reason i just wanted to know dude yeah are there any i've been looking for a surfing buddy for some time we're at the beach right i wasn't really paying attention could you set the scene again uh whatever i'll get back to you guys later don wright have you made up your minds about that ambush yet that guy you've been targeting for the past three sessions is right there enjoying his dwarvish drink oh boy i surely am enjoying my dwarvish drink [Laughter] look whenever we take a single decision like going to the left to the right it goes wrong we need to have a hundred percent flawless plan oh maybe we can go talk with him but if things go wrong i can use my gun when the [ __ ] did the blind dragonborn get a gun i don't remember giving him a gun has he always had a gun just one guy why don't i just sneak up on him and poison his drink i have plus 10 to stealth plus advantage with my cloak of invisibility and add on another ten if franz uses his pass without a trace no one will ever see me how we can avoid this whole encounter or i can use this gun how many times must you terrify my sweet bottoms you upright marsupial i'll give you six minutes and 44 seconds if you don't come to an agreement on a plan i'm feeding your minis to the wigglers group stupid you follow into the tavern as well and you see the mysteriously hooded figure now eyeballing you down and casting a menacing visage they gesture towards five open seats and say that you should go who's the most expensive looking dude here that i'll [ __ ] know there's a noble in the corner of the room sure but he's busy talking with somebody else right now so maybe you should probably i'm already there i intimidated him to challenge me to an arm wrestling match for all his gold and belongings hey absurd you could use charm person i mean that would cause a charm status which would give you advantage on any social media i asked him to give us all of his money absurd uh ireldin 11. well that's really more of a help action which actually [ __ ] i didn't even ask you to roll yet but i didn't already look an eleven is good we are friends now everyone likes absurd i intimidated him to challenge me to an arm wrestling match for all his golden belongings [ __ ] fine you start to arm wrestle him for some of his goals oh i already stole it all also he might be cursed because you know backstory stuff all right sure in the meantime the hooded figure in the middle of the room that everyone decided to totally ignore transforms into a massive towering titan and the roof of the tavern is blown off revealing evilness maximus the demon lord of darkness maximus now my latin's a little bit rusty but that name seems a little bit on the nose it sounds to me like he's actually ripping off the pope's title of pontifex maximus so maybe we should be on our guard for some vile bishops and dastardly cardinals no he's not shut up he looks down upon you all and with a snap of his fingers everyone's magical items disappear what this is outrageous this is unfair i demands to roll an opposing skill check ooh this is the classic weakened your opponent before the showdown strategy used by the really ego maniacal bad guys he wants to demonstrate that we're over-reliant on our magic items as a sort of condescending attack on our self-worth watch next he's gonna say your puny trinkets won't save you now your puny trinkets won't save you now he says holding all your luton and glowing orb in his grip ooh textbook orb strategy stop making comparable analysis evilest then casts whole person on all patrons of the tavern everyone needs to roll on a spell counter spell counter spell hey did you see this new ad for an over-the-table dictionary what's it called counter-strike [ __ ] how many counter spells do you even have all of them no way you really don't have that many of course i do [ __ ] let me see your character sheet no let me see it no let me see you dabby no no as a beast master warlock fighter sorcerer multi-class i'd like to use my beast movement to carry me to the enemy then have them attack the enemy then use my familiar's action to use the help action on myself cast eldritch blast as a quicken spell use action search to put a light on my beast's nose and attack with my hasted action um oh sweet my shield guardian spell procs because he targeted me with a spell so that's going to be a faithful hound right on eviless's heels now that it's my turn my sweet sweet pup is definitely going to have a munch and then i'll have the guardian run up and slap him and then i'll use my ninth level spell slot to conjure wait hold on 32 enormous constrictor snakes you're keeping track of all these initiatives right uh don't forget that i also have two horses a mastiff and six chickens uh oh actually i still have my movement can i dodge as a free action the dog's name is cheese puff by the way joel can i play this um um well you two sort that out i'm going to try to scam as many people as possible out of their coins oh hold up there you oversized crow you said you were lawful good oh no no no i said i was a half elven town guard turned hospice nurse and non-lethal hedge knight but you know i can understand the confusion besides i don't believe in alignment anyway i'm trying to get my scam on thank you ladies and gentlemen may you lend me your ears i have here in my hand one of the finest brews in all okay so as i stand up in a chair everyone looks at me i smile charmingly and everyone starts cheering already as i pull out a 12-quarter ukulele excuse you who's the dm here oh you of course but in this scenario i will have to roll persuasion or performance and if i possibly see check 15 i will charm everyone around me into following my every command doing this will allow my character to start its own company creating profits through the selling of a very specific no don't worry everyone just think of all the friends we've helped through our journey and the ties between our hearts that will help us defeat evilest maximus in the name of saloon i will punish you believe it can i stab her and take all her stuff later hey dm not that it actually happened but hypothetically if i lost a die set you let me borrow would you happen to have another one uh i swear i oh i have the perfect theme music for this exact situation just hold on one second i'll find it music good idea my furbolg pulls out their ukulele and begins to sing to the villain hey you with the villainous smile why don't you come and stay and get to know me a while we're two of a kind two sides of the coin well i got no tail i could give all righty i think that's enough barting for now i said that's enough i feel as though we haven't really sussed out the emotional stakes here i mean who is evilest to us you know he's the demon lord of darkness he murders people and is awful and terrible and bad or is he perhaps a metaphor a construct representing the lasting woe that persisted after the age of reason or maybe we are all eviless he's a reflection of our own inner dope shut up you know we probably can't even take evilis according to the strategy guide he commands four krakens made of like pure gold which are actually lawful neutral by the way so they're technically not even evil and they just serve an evil lord which is interesting because hey stop reading the official campaign setting how's he funding settings has you all completely surrounded and begins to speak foolish mortals i've lived for a thousand lifetimes and once i'm done with you i'll [Music] inadequacy for the darkness i've tamed this he's got him now guys i cast polymorph in the middle of his speech yeah yeah turn him into a t-rex no wait i'm going to grab records shut up everyone shut the hell up no you can't talk to the bar keeper they ignore you i didn't read your backstory your homebrew is rejected there are no goliaths and pay the [ __ ] attention next time i describe the goddamn scene no i'm not going to describe it again for you you all took too long so your ambush fails and you fall to the floor of the tavern also your target runs away [Music] i never asked for a single one of you to roll so all your dice go to waste you don't get that gold your intimidation fails and you stopped being a dongly bongly rules lawyer for once you too stop comparing my totally original campaign to popular and historical media i will sick the light gray walkers on you you don't counter spell your sheet is revoked and no you can't do any of whatever all that [ __ ] you were trying to do you moldy min max and munchkins nobody listens to you and the guards show up to arrest you for disturbing the peace hey it's all right joe crap there's no need to get so hostile if you just take a moment to talk to the players i'm sure we can all nobody cares matt mercer oh man no no no and no to all of your plans and eviless maximus doesn't get interrupted by your spell he counts there's a giant mountain on top of the world rocks fall everybody dies and that's the end of the session because nobody wanted to talk to the obviously mysterious hooded figure in the middle of the [ __ ] room mysteriously fine whatever leave i don't need you i can find some other players who would be happy to play the game i meticulously plan for them go on and cry about it online you dice munching goblin breath weirdos this is what you get for ruining the scene it's all your fault you know you're welcome satisfied what the hell else was i supposed to do if they don't want to play the game i've set up for them then they don't deserve to play at all maybe but do you ever think about the game they do want to play you know the players are just as much a part of how the session goes as you are part of dnd is about how anything can happen but i planned out this whole thing for them i even got all the books and everything it was going to be a sweeping story with awesome npcs and an epic conclusion but they're not doing what i need them to do that's true and maybe they never will but that might be okay sure keep in mind where you want the game to go but not everything has to be by the books everyone is playing their own version of d d and as the dm you have to be able to adapt to that saying no to everything you don't want them doing isn't going to give them an amazing experience with infinite possibilities it's just going to make them feel like the game's better off without them but what if i do let them do whatever they want and things go wrong and it gets boring or imbalanced or i forget something important or the game goes south somehow and the players don't like the session anyway then you go again and do better next time this situation right here could be a good start yeah right and what am i supposed to do talk to the players you can certainly try guys wait i'm sorry i was worried that if you didn't play the way i wanted you to that the game wouldn't be as cool or as fun as i thought it could be i was too constricting on your agency and shouldn't have stopped you from at least attempting to do the things you wanted and i should have talked with you and maybe come to some sort of compromise on some of the things i was really stubborn about being the dungeon master is just really really scary there's so much i have to keep track of coming up with things on the fly can be really hard and i want to run the best game i can for everyone and i'm terrified of messing things up so sometimes i can get a bit vapid immature anatomically confusing aggressive but i'm willing to try again if you are so how about it would you like to play some d and d so crabby you were saying you wanted to interrupt eviless maximus uh yeah i wanted to cast polymorph on him in the middle of his speech all right what's your spell save dc um 15. against all odds you successfully polymorph evilist he transforms into a meek little sheep and falls to the tavern floor seeing this happen several of the tavern patrons throw up their hoods to reveal they are part of eviles cult everyone roll for initiative [Music] do [Music] do [Music] do [Music] do [Music] do [Music] do you

Channel: JoCat

Views: 3,663,609

Rating: 4.9839058 out of 5

Keywords: jocat, hijek, crap guide, d&d, dungeons and dragons, dungeons, dragons, dnd, crap, guide, dungeon master, dm, master

Id: ANdG2DGm0CQ

Length: 22min 2sec (1322 seconds)

Published: Sun Dec 13 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/protonevoker]

Well, there’s your first problem Joseph. Everyone knows the ideal DnD party should be between three and six players.

[u/LetterLambda]

Most important lesson: Don't run an adventure for THIRTY-FOUR PLAYERS AT ONCE.

[u/blackrainraven]

Jocat rolls for a Cooperation Charisma check!

Nat 20

"What feels like 25 people now want to play DnD with you and a turn takes about a session long!"

"ah crap.."

[u/Qwerty2511]

Wow, he really invited everyone. That was awesome.

[u/Asleep-Hour-4037]

WHERE DID THE BLIND DRAGONBORN GET A GUN?!!! I DIDN’T GIVE HIM A FUCKING GUN!!!

[u/Phionex141]

Man, he’s already covered most of the DM’s job and there’s so much left in the video, what’s he gonna fill it wi-

Endgame portals start opening

[u/fe_corax]

This... this is something special. Congrats to JoCat, he deserves ever ounce of praise he ever gets.

[u/Salter_KingofBorgors]

I recognize several of those guys and other youtubers... are they friends? Do they often show up in his videos? Or was this just a massive collab?

[u/darkdragonlon]

Man I'm in tears... My life summed up in 22 minutes... Especially the guy who wasn't paying attention... I hate that guy.