Hey you. Yeah, you sitting there with your saggy buttcheeks and emotionless expression. I know what you're thinking. "BOY! I wish I could cast spells!" "But all I got is an expendable firstborn child and a willingness to work under a questionably immoral arcane master till the end of time!" Well, that's just the exact sort of motivation we like for our employees at EDB... [otherworldly garbles] ...Incorporated, and if you sign up with us, we'll be sure you're treated in a way that you deserve for assisting in furthering our goals to bring about the ruin of the entire multiverse. All I need you to do is sign here and agree to give us ETERNAL SERVITUDE OF YOUR MORTAL SOUL. But on the bright side, we have dental. Welcome to a Crap Guide to D&D. [jaunty theme tune] So you want to use magic... but only as much as you want to hug that one family member you keep seeing at reunions but aren't quite sure how you're related. Then you may want to be a Warlock, the "fake gamers" of the Forgotten Realms. How Warlocks differ from the other casters is that the amount of times you can cast your spells before running out of spell slots is absolute shiiiiiiit. Instead of having a set number of spells for each level of spell slot, you get a maximum of four spell slots for all your spells up to fifth level and that's it. (And a few other ones but nobody cares about those.) The flip side is that the spells you cast are always at their max level and instead of having to take a long rest to get those slots back, all you need is an hour to have a wank, have a biscuit, and you're back on your feet. But y'know what? Fuck "real" spells. You may think you're a caster, but really picking this class is purely an excuse to do nothing but cast everyone's favorite cantrip: Eldritch [BLAST] Cast it at weddings! [MARITAL BLAST] Funerals! [MOURNFUL BLAST] Beach parties! [SUNNY BLAST] Or you could just cast it randomly because the party's taking five hours to buy a single dagger from the shopkeeper and you're BORED. [BOREDOM BLAST] Aside from casting nothing but Eldritch [BLAST] all day... the main draw of the Warlock is the fact that it's the greatest game of dress up dolls of all time. Eldritch Invocations allow you to custom-tailor your Warlock... so that it suits you better than my form-fit, Kirin and assless chaps. You can talk to animals without needing to cast a spell, go straight up invisible whenever you want, but most importantly, there are invocations that allow you to customize your Eldritch [BLAST] so that whenever you shoot your gobbledygook at whatever poor sap that looked at you funny, you can pull them forward and do your best Scorpion impression, snipe them from two blocks away, or make the beam of arcane destruction smell like strawberries, if you like. But it's not all fun and Eldritch [BLAST] because remember, you've signed a pact with a Patron. So your power is being loaned to you from an all-powerful arcane sugar daddy. So you will have to pay interest if you want to make sure all that magic stays nicely tucked into your Eldritch Sack. Luckily, they're not like bank loans because you can actually pay them off and they're not always inherently evil. You have the choice of being bossed around by a literal devil who decided to make you their favorite person, so they're gonna be your mommy for a little bit, a skeleton who ironically refuses to let you die because you still owe him two platinum, fairies who are just straight up assholes, God, so you're basically a Cleric now, literally Cthulhu, but forget all those! Because the only REAL option is to have your Patron be a magically possessed, sentient sword and shield that yells "FUCK" when you swing it! Basically, you have such a huge amount of options to choose from with how you build your Warlock it's very unlikely any two Warlocks will [BLAST] the same. So get your shopping baskets, light some candles, have fun customizing... Oh... and remember you have to sacrifice three more babies by the end of the week or you're FIRED. And now you know how to play Warlock, you're... [BLAST] [jaunty theme tune]
Pretty solid revision. Glad he took the time to improve this one.
Yes yes yes, all this is very nice yes, but let's talk about the real important thing here,
IS THAT THE BARD AND THE PALADIN GETTING MARRIED?
Their sub-plot has finally came to fruition?!
What kind of slow eater takes 59 minutes to eat a biscuit??
Also dammit Jo, I've still got a Warlock addiction and that Fiend did not help at all.
What is he talking about? There are only 203,148 different ways to build your warlock by lv3 and that’s not including race, pact/level specific or eldritch blast invocations. Warlocks are not customizable at all
I don't think any line has summed up warlock as well as "its very unlikely any two warlocks will eldritch blast the same way"
IM A FIRIN' MAH ELDRITCH BLAST
Much better this time. I'm going to be sad when he fets through all of the classes.
Oh shit, did Bard and Pally get married?!
That blast noise is the stuff of my dreams, I’m glad he covered the ridiculous amount of customisation as Warlock is a class that can be easily overlooked if you don’t see what it can get.
Also having a demon lord on speed dial isn’t so bad.