"Ever since I was a child, I had to grow up on the streets... "Wrestling alley-bears for food, and fighting guards for my own freedom. "It was in those streets that I knew I couldn't trust anyone but myself. "The only thing for sure was that I had to find the monsters who put me there... "To exact my revenge, and finally put my restless hunger for blood at ease." [PuffinForest] So is that why you're standing in the corner of a tavern conspicuously? "That's something deeply mysterious and intriguing for you to find out!" "But I doubt you'd understand all the pain and suffering I've had to endure to --" [PF] ...Alright then, I'll see ya later. Wait, no, you were supposed to be deeply interested and ask me more about my backstory! [jaunty theme music] Y'know what, I'm tired of being another cog in the machine of an adventuring party. I'm going off on my own! Following my own creed, and doing what needs to be done! That's right, I'm going ROGUE. Do ya get it? Rogues are the sneaky-stabby-skilly-willy-utility monkeys of the Forgotten Realms... And the best pick if you're a backseat gamer since it lets you interrupt someone trying their best because they weren't DOING IT RIGHT. However, if you wanna Mary-Sue it up even more than you already are... You also get Expertise, so that you can upgrade those proficiencies to anime protagonist levels of ridiculous. Now, I know what you're thinking. "This sounds a lot like Bard!" And while that's partly true, the difference is Rogues aren't automatically assumed to be the comic relief. Instead they're deep, dark, and brooding, nine-to-five, Monday through Friday... Holidays excluded, because who could be grumpy on Christmas? The other main difference is their unique combat feature, the Sneak Attack. And because the names in D&D are always inaccurate... You don't actually have to be low to the ground and covered in shit to deal the Sneak Attack bonus damage... But rather, any time the enemy's just not feeling up to it today and just wants to get it over with. This means if the enemy is being flanked, or if they're laying prone on the ground... Or if they just bragged about how high their IQ is, y'know. Things that would make them really easy to STAB. You are, incidentally, not very easy to stab... Since you have a whopping FOUR GODDAMN FEATURES dedicated to make you more difficult to pin down... Than figuring out if that teasing banter you had with your friend actually hurt their feelings or not. You can dodge when it's your turn, dodge when it's not your turn, dodge a giant ball of fire... And even dodge having to pay the bill on a first date. One especially unique trait of the Rogue is their exclusive language, Thieves' Cant. Thieves can't what? I don't have the slightest clue. Because it allows you to say a whole bunch of jargon that somehow translates into a completely different sentence. "Timmy's having tea with the local blacksmith" ACTUALLY means "Let's go to the temple and steal some of the Cleric's donations." Speaking of stealing, the thief archetype means you're especially fast at doing thief-y things... Like picking locks, chugging potions, and hardcore parkour. Assassin make your stabs EXTRA stabby, and you can stab while disguising yourself as a child you saw... Who you can point to later and say they did it. Arcane Trickster basically turns you into a Bard, except less talented or attractive... And allows you to hocus-pocus somebody's wallet from three miles away. Mastermind is straight up Sherlock Holmes, complete with the assholery and catchy theme music. Swashbuckler won't stop bugging people to 1v1 them. And Scout, which is yet another better alternative to Ranger. Your job is to make sure everybody knows how much better you are at doing everything. Because when the going gets tough, you know the party's going to turn to you one day and ask you to... "Please pick the lock in the door to the King's castle!" Because the Bard accidentally kicked the guard in the genitals trying to seduce them. And you'll gladly show them all the skills you've learned from growing up in such a harsh and unforgiving environment that was once your home... Forcing you to learn questionable means and morally ambivalent beliefs in order to SURVIVE. Just try not to cut yourself on that edge while you're at it. And now you know how to play Rogue! You're welcome. [jaunty theme music]
