A Crap Guide to Final Fantasy XIV - Tanks

what up warriors of fartness i bet you don't have the slightest clue how to play this eyeball melting anime game oh sure you probably know that you can beat up enemies by clicking on them until they die but do you know how to find a static in your fc to help you prog u i bet you don't even know what any of those words mean so sit down shut up and eat your gizzle greens because i'm gonna teach you what they may have not knoweth thy nooblyness welcome to a crap guide to final fantasy [Music] the tank is a person in the front lines of every group leading the charge to inevitable party wipes which is because you are the most important person in the party having slap fights with the boss since everybody else is way too squishy to handle the post-pounding patty cake you'll never see jimmy's soft boots eyeing up the cloud of darkness with his 2x4 and squiggly tree branch but how hard can tanking be turn on your tank stance do your one two three combo and blame the healers when you die right that sounds like somebody who needs their short q privileges revoked firstly tank stance you turn this on to start gaining enmity what's enmity it's where you shot at the bad guys hey hit me they'll be paying attention to you so long as you're dealing damage so you better be dealing damage and not just having a staring contest if you don't then they're gonna start indiscriminately charging at the rest of the party like a dog in a movie theater if you are the designated main tank or in light parties the only tank make sure this is on if there is another tank in the party and you're the off tank make sure this is off unless there's some other bad guys you've got to pull if you have conflicting stances with the other tank they will chuck their shoulder pads at you as a tank you should make sure the bad guy's ass is facing the party as often as possible as indicated by the bright glowing half-eaten donut underneath a target this is so that if the bad guy sneezes you're the only one getting down with the sickness and also if your party has anyone playing any jobs that particularly likes to clap them cheeks you've provided a bright shiny spanking space on top of this as a tank you are by heidellin's blessings horrible at dancing which is why you should move as little as possible once you've got the enemy's attention that way the party can continue to whap the wampus without having to chase down the bad guy's glorious booty just as well because you have control of where the baddies are you control how useful everybody else is so if somebody puts down a useful aoe stop [ __ ] running away from it now that you have the baddies attention and are in a nice cozy poking position you don't have to worry about anything else right ah that's what i thought you'd say you dumb [ __ ] horse believe it or not when you die it's not entirely the healer's fault just mostly their fault that little bit of responsibility you have is based on how well you can juggle mitigation what's mitigation it's the buttons that make the bad guys slaps hurt less that you sometimes press once a subscription and never think about it again you ever wonder why you have several of those buttons that all seem like they do the same thing well that's because you're supposed to space them out over the course of a fight so the healers don't have to sacrifice their entire manifold and firstborn child to get your frail ass through the dungeon remember not to bust your tanking load all at once or else you're gonna feel a lot of shame when you're all out of juice and the boss still wants to go about four more rounds every tank also has a press x to not die button that can be used to survive any devastating attacks or if you're a really aggressive paladin who drew every enemy in a dungeon ever and don't want the healer to hire a hitman on you as for what your limit break does tanks are thicker than the average disney mom to the point your honky chunky donkey behonky extends to the rest of the party protecting them from damage up to a whopping 80 at lb3 the thing is unless you're a high-end player you'll probably be using tank lb as frequently as a good player rolls high on loot overall you have four flavors to choose from punk grunge metal and christian rock there's warrior for big axes big anger big self healing and if you like to do felk leaves again and again and again and again if you prefer more brooding than crooding the dark knight is great for doing your best guts impression you get a huge ass sword goopy black energy particle effects and the literal best mitigation in the entire game but it's balanced because they get the worst invulnerability button in the entire game you press it and then it makes you die gun breakers call the tank but everybody knows it's just three dps in a trench coat as designated by the fact you get a [ __ ] gun and your swings explode oh you have to be a hardcore gamer since it requires a lot of cartridges and finally the paladin who tries to pretend they're a healer and caster but only when the other healers and casters are looking but [ __ ] all that because the most important thing is that you get the [ __ ] sword and shield baby try getting behind this wall of holiness [ __ ] now you know how to play tank you're welcome [Music]

Channel: JoCat

Views: 2,015,579

Keywords: jocat, hijek, crap guide, final fantasy, final, fantasy, ffxiv, xiv

Id: P8oVV_I-tIA

Length: 3min 47sec (227 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 29 2021