9 LGBTQ+ Stand-Up Comedians You Should Know

i am gay as hell when i walk into sort of glide where i go hey right i just like the sound it's classy all day 12 steps let's take shots might as well just crab walked across the living room floor spinning my head around spewing puke everywhere baby pin drop i think i realized i was yeah i was pretty young i was probably like nine or ten i think i think other people started to realize when i was at a sixth grade basketball game and my coach swore and i went i literally can't do this anymore just left the game i feel like my parents always kind of knew too because like my dad would give my brother's advice my dad would tell my brothers find a gal that makes you feel like you don't deserve her which is beautiful right and then you look at me and be like don't do cocaine but also like me and my brothers like we grew up so different from each other like both my brothers are taller than me they're fitter than me they carry themselves with confidence you know i'm small pale i carry myself like an inbred european prince i don't even really like stuff when i walk and just sort of glide where would i go i know i'm not ugly though i know that um like on a one to ten scale i don't think i could model but i could definitely end the republican senator's career you know that's what i feel like might just go to dc take him down one dick at a time you know oh no i i ended up coming out to my family not too long ago and my parents they both have very different reactions uh my dad probably took it the hardest at first my dad was like oh my god i can't believe my son is gay i could have a stroke i could have a heart attack and i was like you're being such a [ __ ] queen right now it's kind of my moment and you are hogging the spotlight so fall back um my family is jamaican by the way and homophobia is like our second best olympic sport like it's like bob's letting boom you know like they get to it i think the funniest thing that my dad said though he was like my brothers are recording his reaction and he was like you know it's like you ask your son to go motherland and he just decides to be gay and like i wanted to be mad but that's exactly what happened honestly he asked me one too many times i'm like looking like a dick [ __ ] hater here my mom was a polar opposite though my mom found out she texts me and she was like i love my gay son and then she started saying [ __ ] like i don't know maybe i'm gay i love my friends me and sandra have a great relationship maybe we can make something work i don't know it was weird though because i told my brothers uh i have two younger brothers giovanna jave we couldn't afford other letters and my younger brother javon ended up coming out to me as bi not too long after which was shocking because like another person taking my moment but also my mom had a gay child a bi child and a straight child so her womb was basically a gay dance club that became a buffalo wild wings i had a hard time coming out to my dad because he's muslim and now he expects me to get like 10 wives that's a lot of wives i did get one wife i got married last year guys my wife is awesome her family is from the south uh republican they go to church every sunday i was the first like lesbian girlfriend she introduced i guess the others were straight uh can you imagine how terrifying that must have been for them like what they expected to come to their house in virginia that day the first lesbian must have been horrible like stolen your daughter's heart and i built a deck out front callers callers callers callers plaid cats but they love me this is the amazing thing they [ __ ] love me i know my father-in-law loves me because he took me hunting and he didn't shoot me my father-in-law woke me up at three in the morning i put on this orange onesie we go into the woods he's like dipping tampons and drp and hanging them on bushes i'm looking at him like who's got the weird lifestyle now i wanted to come out to my muslim family for a really long time uh but my dad was always like shh keep it a secret man secrets are cool i was like dad i'm married now what's your five-year plan or this secret i just keep on showing up to family things with like my white best friend she loves ramadan pretty soon we've got like a little kid best friend i found him in a well i do want a kid eventually that's the only thing that sucks about being a lesbian is like in order to have a baby that looks half like me and half like my wife i need my brother's sperm no straight girls ever need their brother's sperm to complete this potion no i need it and it's not for me some people are weird after shows they're like you can't put that [ __ ] inside of you man your babies will be weird you're weird they think i wanted to make like a super julie's like yep she's ninety percent blind fifty percent deaf but a hundred percent release no i want my brother's sperm so that my wife does a handstand i do a layup and just baby right the gayest move in the wnba done i asked him for a super cash she's like how was your day can i have like a dollop of your sperm and his real response was uh i just don't know how my future wife would feel about it i was like i don't know how i feel about your future wife being such a [ __ ] interesting thing to me about being a big dragon i'm a big big lady all right i'm what they call in harlem and slw a suspiciously large woman okay so more than anything has been like the interaction that i have are there any are there any other queries here queers make some noise and by the way can i say that this is the best time in the world to be queer i'm so excited being queer is the best [ __ ] thing that ever happened to me and i walk around with like power i'm going like yeah [ __ ] that's right [ __ ] because everyone knows nowadays you can't say anything remotely sideways about queers if you if you even slightly inconvenience a queer person on tv 100 male ballet dancers will show up outside your [ __ ] job in part of until you come downstairs and apologize we're like did you make fun of my dog's wedding codaboo ray potable red i douched in you canceled part of it ray potable right are there any um straight guys such a question are these straight guys here i also love how diminutive straight guys are getting like 10 years ago straight got zero and they're like i love how stupid straight guys always sound like the i listen to me this is in my opinion queer people are smarter than straight people it's just my opinion it's my opinion and i also think that women are just smarter than men it's true which essentially makes lesbians the smartest people on the planet which is why i'm probably going to vote for elizabeth warren i am oh she is a [ __ ] lesbian if i've ever seen one in my life she would eat a [ __ ] like it had an expiration date okay i gotta eat all this [ __ ] tonight it can go bad tomorrow are there any um straight gears here who love gay guys you cheering for her you look adorable actually what i've learned is this too because there was like a really sacred like super strong connection between straight girls and gay guys we've been there forever you remember amanda becky miranda i don't know i was so close [Laughter] what's your name i was so close [Applause] now we've been there for each other you you remember you took me to prom thanks i told you bangs aren't for everyone i see someone here needs to hear that message again tonight if you are like a straight guy and you have a girlfriend who loves gay guys and goes to drag shows all the time i can promise you with certainty i have seen a picture of your dick yes [ __ ] i promise you because that is the agreement that we have that is what it is because right now gay guys we are pigs we are disgusting just because you're gay doesn't mean you stop being [ __ ] nasty as hell gay guys we trade we trade dick pics like trading cards okay we all [ __ ] like pokemon cards carl i choose you and like whenever a straight girl like shows you pictures from vacation like look at my phone peruse through it i have nothing to hide gay guys are like i'll hold the phone don't swipe left don't swipe right [ __ ] look at the picture on the phone you can get into the pentagon before you get into a gay man's cell phone let's say that right now girl and also everyone says like what's the best advice you can get from your gay friends i'm gonna tell you right now this is the truth this is the t there is nothing right now this is i'm just speaking for myself this is just me and my opinion okay but if you come to me and you want tips on how to suck dick [ __ ] i will change your life let me say right now you listening to me sister i don't know why they called it a [ __ ] because it doesn't feel like work to me okay so obviously as uh christian as my parents are they did not take it super well when i came out of the closet mostly because i did not come out of the closet they read my journal when i was 17. um yes gasp is right um it was rough because at that point in my life my journal was less of like an introspective thoughts and dreams journal and more of just a buzzfeed list of guys dicks i was sucking you know like uh no content to sift through just straight to the headlines it was clickbait for my parents uh they couldn't resist they had to see it um it was tough for them but what's even funnier so i mentioned i was adopted i have two adopted siblings they're biological to my mom and dad and i have an older brother and a couple of years ago he also came out of the closet which is like wow you know like i couldn't have planned a better prank you know like that oh you pumped them good jesus uh i can't oh it's so funny it's so delicious to me because my parents they really like they truly rolled the dice there you know like they made one themselves they got one off the rack and they both turned out gay you know like i don't know what the scientific argument is there but that feels like nurture [ __ ] okay that feels like your fault what was going on there bet you wish you didn't vaccinate us now mom and dad huh do you want two sons without polio or two straight sons you can't have it all all right you gotta give some stuff up now again i am just joking i love vaccines okay i can't get enough every time a new one comes out i'm just like you know uh i just love it my poor dad oh goodness uh he's been through the ring it was really hard for him my dad is sort of like an amateur pastor in a lot of ways like we didn't go to a church growing up we had church at home led by my dad and oh my god yes now that i'm saying i was in a cult that's what that is um it's not a church at all um yeah he had a real rough time with me growing up i was a real [ __ ] kid i was difficult to raise i remember when i was 13 we had a fight that was so outrageous that my dad tried to exercise me in the middle of the fight and when i realized what he was doing i just started to laugh maniacally in his face which in hindsight did not help my case you know like that seems like something a demon might do in that situation i might as well just crab walked across the living room floor spinning my head around spewing puke everywhere you know yes i do comedy and i look like this you're welcome you're welcome [Applause] i am a hero uh yeah i realized that i can't die right now uh because i haven't even been gay that long yeah i've only been gay for six years full-time full-time yeah yeah i was being gay on the weekends and that [ __ ] don't count okay you gotta put in real hours with this gay stuff all right now i have like a gay mentor to make sure i hit all gay 12 steps uh i have a straight parole officer to make sure i don't do no straight [ __ ] no more right like kiss with both your eyes closed you do that yes you do very straight that is so ugh you straight ugh yeah i kiss with both my eyes open that's very gay we just want to [ __ ] see your soul that is so romantic right yeah um i'm femme i see a lot of you people looking there's a lot of guys that are like gay look like that now yes we look like this not all of us are ellen okay if you don't know what femme is fem means i dress like i look like i want men to talk to me but i don't [Laughter] unless you're industry right whoever books riverdale come talk to me i want to be on that show i will talk to you trevor all right yeah uh a lot of people ask um who's the man in the relationship because i usually date women that are also femme and i just think it's like a ridiculous question you know like we're in a different time now gender does not matter it doesn't matter what gender you are we are all [ __ ] miserable in relationships [Applause] we all are just one argument away from dating a tree i think that's pansexual i have no idea i have no idea i think janelle monae is that um yeah people ask me who who who is the man in relationship does that matter that does it that doesn't matter but uh i'm not making women come so i'm definitely the dude i am the dude in the relationship look at all the women laughing in the middle like what the [ __ ] is she talking about everything i'm talking about everything even alexa know that we not coming okay she can hear us not come uh yeah we're not having orgasms um they're very complicated for women men you could lose your whole family in a car crash and you're still coming on the walls that's just that's just what it is i think that yin yang twin song oh skeet that's y'all coming everywhere that's what that song is about but us isn't just a little bit more complicated we are thinkers we are constantly thinking we could be in a full-blown position and be like did i blow my candle out at home and then we can't come right [Laughter] i think women need a lot of things to have an orgasm like for me i need a slither of light just just a little bit i don't know if there's any dudes back there just this is much light we need in a room uh not really to see the body but to escape that's what i'm looking for how the [ __ ] do we get out this place right because anything can happen what if an intruder comes through the window i did take that class so let's go but i'm also older so i caught that charlie horse i got mace in my purse but i also got a bodega cat in there so i can't protect nobody right yeah orgasm orgasms are very complicated i don't know there's a lot of variables that can be set up like for me to come comfortably my direct deposit got a hit you know that's that's what i need i'm not asking for much greg i'm not asking for much i can't release until the money is released on thursdays at midnight that is when i'll be drip dripping clean up on l7 that my phone speaking of actually thinks i'm straight i'm gay but my phone thinks i'm straight and i know that to be true because it recently auto corrected high [ __ ] to hobbit i was like okay i can pass um i actually very much can't pass i was recently i was i've already once been featured on comedy central's instagram account that's what this is a huge honor um thank you thank you so much okay calm down or i'm gonna call the police and report you for obsession with me um um truly the last time i was on comedy central's instagram i did no gay material uh just like family values [ __ ] uh but i did speak in this voice and it upset straight people across the nation um i think they thought i was doing it on purpose which i agree would be socio but i did read every single comment because i am absolutely obsessed with myself and it was just gay people aren't funny i hate gay people i hate the white girl wine we get it you like dick don't sound like one's in you right now gay people aren't funny but then thank god finally people did come out and say actually shut up because gay people are funny and just because this person isn't funny doesn't mean no gay people are funny and i was like oh my god even the allies are absolutely jagging me put it on my tombstone here lies pat regan the allies hated him even um i do have one gay uncle which is amazing we're the only two gay people in my family so you'd think we'd be friends but we're rivals um he's a church queen uh he's a church queen he's like addicted to cathol can't get enough of this stuff um like the pope is like his britney uh whereas i'm kind of more the kind of gay that like loves queer eye you know thank you i love queer eyes ethos of like what matters is not how you look what matters is how you feel and how you feel is based on how you look so we are going to teach you about under eyes deck um i think that's very cool i do have a boyfriend right now thank you and his whole entire deal is that this past july he actually got out of a 10-year relationship with a woman pin drop and um but what i will say is he is five eight and the girl was six two so it was very much a queer relationship and people always say like is that hard is that hard is that hard and honestly that isn't hard what's difficult about the relationship is that his name is angelo which is obviously a very erotic name um and my name is kind of famously pat so if we do choose to have sex with one another and we're kind of getting into it and i'm like angelo and then he's like pat [Laughter] we immediately stop everyone puts their clothes back on we pretend we never met each other i know y'all can't tell uh but i'm recently gay yeah you have to clap when you'll be canceled um i wasn't even supposed to be over here long term i was just over here like doing a little sample trial like a seven day free trial don't put your credit card number in um and i had so much fun i forgot to cancel my subscription and i've been here for three years now and it's crazy like because being gay is expensive and they don't talk about that it's expensive and like i'm picky with my gay that's the thing i'm not gay for everybody very picky like when ugly girls find out i'm gay they be like you gay i'd be like nah [Applause] this has absolutely nothing to do with you know i'm not dating an ugly girl i'm not gonna date an ugly girl that's a waste if i'm be gay i need to be top-notch gay so i went and found me a girlfriend she's beautiful and it's crazy because i picked the restaurant for the first date we met at the restaurant she was dressed up i was dressed up it was cute we ordered food she got food i got food she got drinks i got drinks she was like let's take shots i was like let's take shots took shots she was like let's get dessert i was like baby let's do it and then the bill came out right and it got quiet like this because at that point we was just two beautiful women sitting across from each other and i was confused because i was trying to figure out who was paying for it because i knew i wasn't i was like i'm not paying for this i don't know what you're thinking but i know i'm not so the waiter came back out to the table he was like are you ladies ready yeah i was like we are not we have a problem give us a second this out yes i looked at her across the table and i was like well since i picked the restaurant i think i should be the judge of this so i looked at her and then i looked back at myself and i was like well my titties are bigger than yours so you demand by default pay this bill and make sure you tip sir and she did she paid she's a great guy she's a good one i want to start off by letting you know that i am gay as hell uh i'm great at it i do a great job i was sitting there being black i was like you know what give me another thing i got it come on over i'm also african thoroughbred from the source thank you so much thank you i came to america when i was a little diva it's also the first time i ever saw a white person and my immediate thought was it's a black ghost [Applause] this country's filled with apparitions oh man uh i have been gay for quite some time uh i came out when i was 18 back in the year 2000 you know before it was cool i told my parents i was gay uh they're both uh very traditional african immigrants so i don't recommend doing that write them a letter they can't read that's but i told him i was gay and my dad got very upset i know it was because i said i was gay or that i sang the entirety of papa don't preach immediately afterwards it's a much longer song than you think it is but he got very mad and he said the most cliche thing you can say in that situation he said god hates gay people i was like tight i'm an atheist [Applause] tell me god hates gay people it's like telling me a leprechaun hates my suit i don't believe in leprechauns also this is a shitty leprechaun because this is a dope ass suit [Applause] you need to hang out with better leprechauns but if i did subscribe to religion that was something i truly believed in you're essentially telling me that god hates me yet he made me look like a perfect angel look up and down find a flaw i woke up like this there's none there's none look at the legs you have to fire them because they don't [ __ ] quit so i grew up on the south side of chicago and i came out when i was 17. but i knew that coming out risked losing people that were close to me but that but at the time in my life i was like you know what so be it i i have four sisters and my parents that's who i wanted to come out to i was too afraid to tell my sisters in person so i just sent them a group text and all this said was hey guys i'm gay then one of them wrote back yeah that makes sense then i wrote back what is that supposed to mean then she wrote you wear a lot of cowboy boots in the summer and i replied i just like the sound of clacking then i wrote oh there it is i see what you mean but i was so mad because i was expecting them to abandon me i was going to use that trauma to create art in the future they deprived me of that so i was like you know what i'm gonna come out to my mother because she's crazy christian i was looking to afraid to tell them in person i wrote her a letter and i went to school i'm sitting in class and i get a text message from her and all this says is i wouldn't care if you were a green alien i will love you no matter what and i was like what the [ __ ] does that mean i was gonna use whatever [ __ ] that thing she said as the prologue to my memoir um so i go home because i know she has something else to say she's a sneaky [ __ ] she calls me into the bathroom she's sitting on the toilet we have a close relationship i sit on the edge of the tub she looks me in the eyes and she says i love you but you know you're going to hell right and i replied you're divorced so are you we looked at each other for a very long time and she took a deep breath and she said you got me there and i was like yes i did the gay comes quick i'm sassy um and then i was like dope i'm an out homosexual man got my first boyfriend that summer my nephew had a birthday party brought him to the party normalized it all it was great then on my way home i got a text message from my father and he was like who was that guy and i wrote back that was my boyfriend and he wrote you're gay question mark and i wrote oh my god i forgot to tell you and then he wrote no joke this is exactly what he wrote it's okay just don't get aids and i replied yeah you neither and then he wrote you got me there and i was like yes i did you

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 210,512

Rating: 4.9166517 out of 5

Keywords: stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedian, comedians, pride, lgbt, lgbtq, lgbtq comedians, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, queer comedians, gay comedians, lesbian comedians, jaboukie young white, sabrina jalees, bob the drag queen, joel kim booster, Sydnee Washington, pat regan, paris sashay, Solomon georgio, dewayne perkins, funny video, comedy videos, jokes, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, humor, best comedy, best stand up

Id: l8b-2lzHQpk

Length: 29min 44sec (1784 seconds)

Published: Sun Jun 13 2021