The Best Way To Put Narcissists In Their Place

if you have ongoing exposure to controlling people it's a virtual certainty that you're going to experience blurry boundaries which is why i have created the extensive online course called this is me establishing boundaries with the controllers in your life there's a link below that will give you all of the details and i hope that you would find it in therapeutic [Music] after you've had a great deal of exposure to a strongly narcissistic person there is going to be a thought that comes into your mind that says i don't want to be attached to this individual i'm getting really tired of what i'm having to deal with i need to put that person in their place okay you know when when you're at that place i get it i understand it you want to send a message that says you can't mess with me in the way that you think that you can and should get away with now one of the biggest mistakes that people can make when they're at this place of trying to put a narcissist in their place is they can actually mirror back to the narcissist's narcissistic characteristics for example when the narcissist is mean they can be mean in reverse or if the narcissist is highly argumentative they can become argumentative in reverse if they show a bitterness or stubbornness they can be bitter and stubborn reversed and what that says is that individual is doing nothing more than than entering into a codependent narcissistic dance and i'm thinking well i suppose that's always an option you can do that if you want it's not going to get you anywhere good it just means that you would be defined by the the narcissist you're just a little more than a reactor and that person is setting your pace you would be defined by your own counter contempt your own counter anger your own counter bitterness and i'm thinking to myself i don't want to go down that path that's who they are but that's not going to be who i am i can do better i can be better now i do want to give you a way that you can put that narcissist in their place but it has nothing to do with beating them at their own game it has everything to do with saying i'm not going to play the game in the first place now let's keep in mind first and foremost narcissists crave your attention they need you as an audience and it gives when you do that it allows them to have a platform a stage to perform upon so first and foremost if you're wanting to let that narcissist know i'm going to put you in your place refuse to give them the attention that they crave recognize that when you go into an argumentative counter style with a narcissist it actually gives them a form of credibility by arguing your point it's your way of implying what you think matters but guess what it doesn't these people are going to be argumentative and stubborn and controlling regardless of who's on the stage with them it's just who they are and i'm hoping you can decide that style of living is not relevant to me that narcissistic attitude is not something that i take my cues from i'm not going into that space now they don't know what to do with that but basically you refuse to engage they want your participation they're over there thinking please please give me the opportunity to prove how superior i am and to do that you would have to be in this inferior position as you attempt to to get in there good graces it's like i'm in no one's in fear position and i don't have to be in your good graces my my best strategy is to simply be me you're you're dealing with a junkie an emotional psychological junkie they're they're seeking supply from you and the more you engage with them in all of your counter arguments you're giving them the supply and i'm thinking no i'm not going to be an enabler like that i'm not going into that game now there are implications when you're able to take this kind of mindset for example when they show contempt toward you which they will let your demeanor illustrate you're not laid low it's like oh well you have contemptuous feelings towards me um if anything all that does all that proves is you're an emotionally immature person and i'm sorry you feel so badly that's not my problem to solve likewise another way that you can respond in this way to put that puts them in their places don't show an interest in their interest you know when when they try to engage with you and friendly banter you know that maybe they're not quite in that argumentative mode and they're talking about joyous kind of things or not things that they think are neat and cool it's like well i know that's where you are good for you and you don't have to say it out loud but you just don't engage it's what we refer to as the gray rock mentality there's nothing more boring than a gray rock just give them boring responses and let it be known i'm not going to go into that space with you because even when they're friendly it's an invitation to pull you in to their uh to their game plans like no i don't do that uh in addition refuse to go along with their public persona if there are other individuals around that they're trying to impress they may say nice things about themselves they may even say nice things about their relationship with you it's like no i'm not going to go along with that one either you can brag all you want you can try to give the impression to other people that you're connected but i know differently and over time i'm hoping that truth would have a way of rising to the surface and those other individuals out there that you're trying to uh to give this false impression to may or may not pick up on that but i pick up on that and and i'm not going to uh to to go along with you and and be your apologist by saying oh yeah you really are a nice person when in fact you're not likewise when they criticize you give neutral responses for example if they say i don't like the way you handled this or that was stupid or i don't know why you would do the things that you do let it be known i can tell that that was important to you okay or you might say something like we do think differently don't we or i knew that you were uh you were bothered by something now i understand and just and just go into that space and just be bland be neutral and then in addition as they continue to to spew their negativity on you don't negotiate your needs with them don't go into this pleading kind of mentality and insistence like i've got to get you to understand no you really don't in fact when you have these kinds of differences with the narcissist and it's a repetitive pattern there are three no's that i pick up on no plea no pleading no coaxing no convincing bottom line is i don't need their approval i don't need them to understand me so that i can move forward with my healthy initiatives remain firm in your resolve to be who you are calmly now obviously you still want to have your sense of boundaries that which means that you have a definition of who you want to be and it means you have stipulations and consequences and parameters that you will and will not operate with uh let that be who you are and frankly when you have that calm sense of internal confidence that becomes kryptonite to the narcissist they're over there thinking hey didn't you get the memo you're you're supposed to be intimidated by me you know you ought to you need to be defending yourself don't you know but what if you were to think no i'm not intimidated nor do i feel the need to defend myself i actually do find you the narcissist to be offensive you don't have to necessarily say it out loud but i'm a realist all of my past efforts to reform you the narcissist have failed it falls flat you're not teachable i get it but neither is your opinion as relevant as you want me to think that it is i'm too far down the road towards the maturation process to be pulled off by your childish antics and your power play so if you think that i'm going to be a participate participant in all of that you have it wrong and so in your mind i'm hoping you can think um my healthy demeanor is going to be my ultimate way of putting that person in their place i'm on team healthy and that other individual's manner of life does not match where i am i'm hoping that instead of taking the kick them in the shins just like they kick you in the shins approach is something that you'll bypass like i say it's an option but i don't want to go into the same space that they're in uh i'm hoping that you can stand in your own dignity respect and civility and as you do then that becomes your way of indicating mr mrs narcissist you don't have power over me sorry you're gonna need to go find a new target i'm not gonna be that for you i do hope that videos such as this give you some good food for thought and and i'm hoping that it can show you that there are ways to survive narcissism by having your own internal sense of calmness and confidence to draw upon if you've not yet subscribed i would encourage you to do so and hit that notification bell that goes along with it uh in addition when you have situations like this in your life uh it might be that you could use some therapy to help you unpack that we have a sponsor uh that with a link below that can take you to a whole team of licensed professional therapists and they can and you can choose from those individuals uh with somebody that can help you sift all of this out if that's a need that you would be able to take advantage of then certainly i would encourage you to go to our link and and seek that out in addition i have some courses and these are extensive courses this is me about setting boundaries free to be about finding yourself despite the controllers multiple videos with teaching uh segments along with it and personal reflections as you walk through the process of change you might find those uh in the links below to be very helpful in addition we have my books and other resources well we also even have some coffee mugs and t-shirts now uh you want to put the narcissist in their place then be the healthiest version of yourself that you know to be there is no uh no way that they can come back and and uh and come against that unless you allow them to suck you into their patterns and are on here on team health is like no we don't do that uh you're gonna establish yourself from the inside out and in doing so it positions you to be that person of steadiness because then the next stage is to say because i want to go to my place of peace that's where i want to be that's where i want to live [Music]

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 560,112

Keywords: assertiveness, relationship boundaries, covert narcissists, malignant narcissism, Dr. Les Carter, psychology, counseling

Id: tfBEKnU-ezk

Length: 12min 17sec (737 seconds)

Published: Mon Jan 10 2022