How To Find Power Over A Narcissist

being very entitled and controlling narcissists have no difficulty stepping all over your personal boundaries so that's why I put together an extensive video class called this is me it has 25 videos written documents guided questions I'm going to teach you how to have healthy boundaries there's a link below and I hope you'll find it to be quite therapeutic [Music] [Applause] [Music] let's be very clear as we try to understand the nature of narcissism what that person's goal is as they engage with you narcissists want to have control over you narcissists want your deferral they want to be right at your expense and in the process what they'll do is they'll be very dishonest with themselves and therefore with you by building a protective shield around themselves and they'll try to force feed a chaotic and detrimental mindset onto you let's think about that how healthy is that and my question to you is how how many times have you tried to respond in kind how many times have you attempted to plead with that person to change their mind and to change their way of engaging with you it doesn't work narcissists want Power they want power over you and I want to see if we can figure out how we can flip that script so that that's not going to be the case and how you can have power over the narcissist but there's a a very strong distinction that I want to make in with respect to the way they seek power versus the way that you and I can seek power and that is when narcissists seek power they think in an interpersonal Dynamic it's me versus you I'm the Victor you're the loser when healthy individuals seek power they think in intra-personal Dynamics okay this is about me and it's not about me overwhelming you this is about me finding my own inner core strength and living into it and it's a very different way to think about power I'm going to just go ahead and foreshadow what I'm going to say here today by offering you the Paradox and that is the best way to find power is to quit trying to overpower other individuals the best way to be in control is to quit trying to control other individuals so heavily and that's as a mindset The Narcissist cannot get into but I'm hoping that you and I can Master it to the extent that they don't have power over you but you're the one who is able to call the shots with respect to your life okay now we're going to notice intra personal versus interpersonal now let's see if we can kind of walk through a progression about how you can find power when you're in the presence of that narcissist and the first thing is to educate yourself know what narcissism is narcissism is a conglomeration of many very unhealthy characteristics it starts with them being very self-absorbed having to have their own way about who knows what they're very selfish individuals they're quite willing to manipulate and exploit and and when you examine their chosen way of life you realize it's a it's a very pitiable attempt to compensate for many of their own psychological needs by belittling other individuals these are these are very damaged people and they themselves have been damaged they don't know who they can trust they're not real sure if they're going to be on the inside with other individuals and so they decided Well if I get to be the one that calls the shots and if I can intimidate people then that means I win understand that narcissism is built upon a foundation of psychological immaturity of the greatest sword it's so important for you to realize this because you're dealing with somebody who has childlike or childish thinking they've not developed their conscience they've not developed a well conceived from a philosophy of life that's going to be good for you understanding that then another way for you to find your power is to First accept the fact that or accept the reality of their illogic or we could just put it a little bit more bluntly except the reality of their own stupidity and their own absurdity when narcissists come toward you thinking I have to overpower you and I have to get your deference um they've built their own Persona upon self-serving lies though and they desperately need to have those lies the lies it says I'm the only person in the world that's important or you have to uh to go along with me in order for me to be okay those kind of lies and and let's just accept the fact they haven't thought this thing through very well at all these are not insightful these are not self-reflecting individuals they're very black and white in their way of thinking that being the case then we're going to take it a little bit further and we're going to say part of your ability to find your own power is to let go of the illusion that you're going to control the narcissist their personality is defined by Inner chaos so that being the case get used to the fact that loose ends are going to be there in your relationship with that person you can't control them you can't make them think or feel or act or prioritize or respond to you in a way that's going to be most pleasing to you let go of the illusion that says well I've got to get them to understand actually no you don't now here's where we're going to go more into that in try personal kind of Dimension instead the best way for you to find power is first and foremost to have your own internal mission statement have you ever thought about that and you know what are you trying to accomplish with your life what values what standards what priority priorities make the most sense to you what kind of personality traits do you want to be known for you know you can always be known for being argumentative or difficult or rude or condescending that's what the narcissist does what kind of personality traits do you want I hope it's something that's different from that I'm hoping you can decide well what I'd like to do is be respectful or be self-honoring or being reliable and responsible having goodness be very specific with yourself about who you are and what you're trying to accomplish with your life and just know that this is going to differ greatly from The Narcissist can you accept that they they're not going to go along with that they're going to think that you're stupid when you try to come up with your own internal mission statement let them think that way instead I want you to uh to take it even further by asking well okay knowing that they're going to think that way toward you how are you going to respond when conflict comes along so part of you finding your own power is to anticipate the trends that tend to come along when conflict arises what are the narcissist tactics typically they're going to belittle they're going to invalidate they're going to be overwhelming they're going to yell they're going to be an overly convincing and and uh and belittling toward you that's what they do when conflict shows up if they can just invalidate you what are your vulnerabilities you know it's like when the when the narcissist calls you names or is very non-cooperative does that bring out the worst in you and then specifically in the midst of conflict what do you hope to accomplish and the narcissist wants to accomplish mind control is that what you want to accomplish that's their power game if they can just get inside of you and make you think like they do you see it my thinking is well in the middle of conflict I'm not trying to accomplish mind control I'm trying to accomplish decency or common sense that being the case let's go a little bit further and say when when you are engaging with the narcissist and it's clear that the two of you are not on the same page be proactive with respect to your own assertiveness and with respect to your sense of boundaries when we talk about assertiveness it means that you are going to stand up for yourself and you are going to to speak up for your needs and you're going to follow through with respect to what you know is why is this and best and when we talk about boundaries it means that you're going to live inside that definition of who you are and you're going to make it very clear that that other person is not in in charge of you understand the narcissist is going to be displeased when you do that they're going to think that you're stupid they're going to insult you in there and they're going to try to demean you factor that in nonetheless remain proactive with your assertiveness and then action being action oriented with respect to your predict with your specific and particular preferences and again if the narcissist says I don't like that or if you're thinking well they're going to get mad okay that's that's what they are that's part of their defining feature they're negative they're chaotic on the inside and then specifically don't defend the narcissists when you begin showing that you have an internal strength you have an internal resolve they're going to come after you and what you don't have to do is plead your case please please don't be mad at me they're going to be mad um again going back release the illusion that you can be in control explain yourself once here's why I made this decision or this is why I have this opinion maybe you can explain yourself but the bottom line is uh if they're going to just invalidate it's like okay I'm finished because they don't really want to hear and I'm not going to participate in their circular now ways of trying to do things and all another a way for you to find your power is always remember that bitterness and contempt and begrudgement are indeed options you can do that now when you do that it means that you're still Tethered to them and they have the power over you and so let's keep in mind that's always an option but then uh rather than being ineffective like that I'm hopefully uh hopefully hopeful that you can decide I'm not going to mirror The Narcissist I'm going to uh to choose decency and goodness I'm going to ground myself in my own inherent worth I just don't want to hold on to bitterness and begrudgement and anger because that means I'm being just like them and that's not what I want to do instead what you're going to do is you're going to anchor down in self-trust listen to your gut watch for the red flags that the narcissist has that can trigger you and then remind yourself I trust what I think and I trust what I believe despite their uh attempts to uh to sabotage whatever good common sense you have and then most importantly one of the ways to find power over the narcissist which is very much a demeaning way of life commit yourself to love understand what that means be aware of the privilege that you have to be good in this world and to offer goodness The Narcissist can't appreciate that I hope that you can appreciate that and then ultimately if you can't go no contact with that person at least minimize your contact with an unhealthy person maximize your contact with people who get you and understand you you can choose to perpetually play The Narcissist power games by doing the interpersonal thing I win you lose uh and of course you know where you're going to stand in that equation or you can find your own power by um by not trying to succumb to the power grabs that the narcissist has but instead you can decide I don't need to overpower anyone I just need to be true to who I am and if they can go along with it wonderful and if they don't I like who I am anyway their attempts to overwhelm you is their power game I find that to be utterly foolish I'm Gonna Learn To Live into my sense of decency and worth that's how I find my power out the videos such as this can give you some good food for thought I really when we refer to ourselves as team healthy we're surviving narcissism it's this kind of mindset that I want to encourage in you if you've not already hit that subscribe button I would encourage you to do so we'll keep more videos coming towards you as you attempt to sift this out you may find that therapy would be useful and you know that I've been sponsored for years now by the people at betterhelp.com there's a link below this video that will take you to their website and there's a whole team of licensed professional therapists uh you just have to fill out a few forms and then you can select the therapist you can work with and it's very accessible and affordable please get the help that you need if that's something that you would find to be beneficial likewise I have my therapeutic courses it's like signing up for an online class multiple videos and written documents and guided questions we have Ready Set connect about making good connection skills doing it the right way we have this is me about establishing those boundaries free to be finding yourself despite their controlling efforts we also have my webinars which have already been presented but you can continue to purchase those we have my podcast and we have our website with many many articles as well as my books so there's plenty of resources thank you for allowing me to be on your journey with you narcissists try to have interpersonal power because they're empty on the inside they they do it by trying to diminish you I'm hoping you can have intra personal Power by saying I'm going to listen to my gut I'm going to be true to who I am and that's not something a narcissist can take from me that's what I'm hoping that you can lean into and as you do I hope it positions you to become the person of peace [Music]

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 44,423

Keywords: gaslighting, covert narcissism, malignant narcissist, self esteem, NPD, narcissism in relationships, anger, psychology, mental health, Dr. Les Carter

Id: 0Nq5QzggQRg

Length: 14min 47sec (887 seconds)

Published: Mon May 15 2023