Narcissists Who Feel Entitled To Control You

we've received quite a bit of interest in my free to be Workshop So to that effect beneath this video is a link that will give you a description for the workshop and we've also included a special discount so if that's something you would be interested in I would invite you to click that link and I hope that you would find the course to be quite beneficial [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] anytime you engage with someone else whether it's in a one-on-one relationship or if it's in a group setting the topic of control is just kind of there in the middle of that relationship that you have and we need to figure out who's going to be in control of what and in the best case scenario that's okay when we have a healthy form of control in a relationship well we might just be talking about having a certain amount of predictability or conscientiousness or reliability or kind of an organizational flow chart and so in healthy relationships we have a sense of us a sense of we and we try to figure out how we're going to blend well with one another now let's introduce the narcissist into that equation and when they engage with you whether it's one-on-one or inside a group they already have a thought in mind that says well someone in fact does need to be in control here and when you know it it happens to be me aren't you lucky that I'm the one that's going to tell everybody how things are going to be and they do want to be in control but it's more than that a narcissist attempts to be in control arise from that individual's attitude of entitlement it's like it's not like they're just going to say well I want to have things done in a particular kind of way but it's like well this is me we're talking about and I'm someone who's quite special and I have my needs my preferences and desires and so as we try to figure out who's going to be in control let's just filter it all through me because I deserve it and I deserve to have the final word here and and as a result they can come off as egotistical or insensitive or bossy or overbearing and it doesn't bode well for the exchange that's going to unfold and particularly if it's a you know a long-term kind of relationship the beginning point for narcissism sets up this entitled attitude of control at the very beginning of narcissism is an attitude of selfishness it's all about me and uh along with that selfishness then uh comes two of the narcissist's favorite words and those are the words I deserve and here's what you need to do for me likewise along with the their need for control and that selfishness another beginning point with narcissists is their sense of haughtiness they honestly do think that they do life a lot better man you would just be a whole lot better if you could figure that out and sooner and sooner rather than later and so they have this this air of superiority that they bring likewise another part of the beginning point with them is they have the agenda it's there's a fixed notion about how everything is supposed to be and they're not at all bashful in letting you know what you did right and what you did wrong because in their minds uh there's there's a narrow way that things ought to be done and they don't make room for a variety and things of that nature likewise part of their need to be in control over you has to do with their neediness these are very insecure individuals and so they're constantly looking to you to give them validation and what better way to do that than for you to acquiesce and conform to them because then they'll take that to mean oh I'm a somebody now look they even agree with me in addition as as narcissists come toward you they don't have a real desire to be honest and open about who they are or how inappropriate they may have been because you may say hey I don't want to be controlled by you it's like well anyway let's let's just move on and they'll just blow right past that they can't honestly reflect on the impact that they leave on other individuals and so when I say that narcissists want to be controlled in control this attitude of entitlement become so strong that it exaggerates all of the other features of the narcissistic pattern narcissists want to be admired narcissists will do anything to reinforce their better than thou kind of mindset and I mean civil little things like when you're in a room with them they want the best chair or they want the uh to be at the front of the line so to speak or they just want to have favored treatment and it's just it's built into the package and when you say well I have a few wants to it's like well that doesn't matter because I deserve and you don't I'm entitled you're not uh as and another thing that we can say that goes right along with this is they're drawn towards a position of power they have to be the authority and uh in in other words there's one opinion in the room that matters and it's not yours and so uh as they engage with you they think that they're entitled to you deference saying if you just do what I say then we're going to be fine but actually you owe it to me to do as I say now I'm sure that so many of you have been in relationships where it's like oh yeah I felt constantly controlled and then when I try to talk to that person it's like you can't get a breakthrough to them because they honestly do think of themselves as having the right to be this way to your exclusion and it's like what do you do let's let's keep in mind that uh these are individuals who have little to no empathy and so you're going to need to factor that in these are individuals who will argue with you uh at the drop of a hat anger is constantly right there on the edge and uh they're they're very thin-skinned and very easily you know taken off their course emotionally these are individuals who criticize you know they just have the gift of criticism if you will they're never pleased and they're constantly wanting more more and then a little bit more they have lots of double standards for example um you know I've heard people talk about how the narcissist can spend plenty of money but you can't or the narcissists can yell but you better not raise your voice or uh The Narcissist can uh may say well you have to report into me but they don't have to report it to you lots of double standards and they feel entitled to being in the uh the upper realm there Harmony is not something they do they're absurdly defensive when you try to engage with them they won't take input from you in fact if that if that becomes too strong of an issue with them they'll go into a high punishing mode toward you you will be sorry if you don't go along and allow me my entitled position of control they're unwilling to bend or negotiate dominance is a constant theme and they're constantly the victim whenever you say well I beg to differ from you how dare you do this to me so like I say when when you engage with narcissists it's not so much the attitude of control which I mean that's bad enough but it's the fact that they honestly think you owe that to me and it's so insulting to you and uh it's tied to their inclination to shame they're actually projecting shame onto you that they can't come to terms with on the inside of themselves the shame is there's something really defective about you if you don't just go along with my program that was trained into them to think that way but instead of coming to terms with an introversely they just turn around and they say well I'm going to be better at communicating that to everyone else and and as a result they're not going to have that sense of us and we that I mentioned now when we go back to that question what are you going to do knowing that that narcissist brings that entitled uh you need to do things my way kind of notion um let's let's begin with the realization this is somebody that has an underdeveloped conscience and so any attempt that you make with them to try to have a meeting of the mind is probably going to fall short but it doesn't mean that you don't stand up and it doesn't mean that you don't say anything about it what it does mean is you want to have your expectations about the net result that clearly establish in advance these are individuals who when you speak to them keeping in mind it's not just control it's entitlement it's like you didn't get that memo did you and that's how they think but I'm hoping you can say well I I trust in myself and I believe that when I have a thing to say or I have an opinion or a preference or I want to make make a suggestion I do make sense and when they come along and say well everything's going to be fine and dandy as long as you just ditch what you just said and go along with me then you know well there's not going to be that that high level of you know warm fuzzies that comes from the end of it but despite some of the revulsion that you may feel towards them despite the temptation to come at them with all the fury that this can generate inside of you my response is I inwardly I have pity for people that think that way it's like are you that insecure and that you have that much of a feeling of inadequacy that you must dictate to other people how they're supposed to think about who they are and the answer is yeah they really are there's something very off with them so that being the case I'm hoping that you can remind yourself of something that they can't come to terms with and that is your privileged to choose is not up for for a vote it's it's not something that they get to pronounce over you you're privileged to choose your freedom your sense of Independence is something that's just built into your personality we all want to have the privilege to choose for ourselves and if the narcissist comes along and says look I'm entitled to be in the control position I'm hoping you can decide in your opinion you are in my opinion that's not the case and so boundaries means that you you move forward with what you know is wisest and best you speak up and you you stand on your own reasonableness and when the narcissist says you're not playing along with the the rules that I have established my response is going to be right you're not entitled to take over my mind um you see one of the things that they forget is the best way to receive someone else's Goodwill is to be a giver of good will the the the the the narcissists can't comprehend the best way to be in control is to quit trying to be so in control people appreciate it when decency and goodness comes their way you can't expect that from a narcissist but I'm hoping that you live with that uh as your leading point and then when it becomes obvious that this is a relationship that isn't going to have any depth I'm hoping you can say well I'm getting my best effort and if I'm dealing with somebody that can't do it so be it I'm going to give my best energies to people that know what to do with me and I'm hoping that's something that uh that you can control and stay on top of despite their protest of the contrary now I hope the video such as this can give you some good things to think about as you understand what you're dealing with and that allows you to have much more of an informed decision about how where you're going to proceed from here if you've not already done so I would encourage you to hit that subscribe button so we can keep more videos coming in your direction I appreciate you allowing me to being on your path with you uh likewise if you have a a desire for therapy or a need for therapy and many times when you're thinking about these things it dredges up all sorts of things I'm so pleased to be sponsored by the folks at betterhelp.com and the link is below and if you have a need for therapy I would strongly encourage you to go in that direction and the the reason I like better help is because it's accessible it's online and it's it's affordable and I've had plenty of good feedback from that in addition I also have my therapeutic courses and these are very extensive with my multiple videos per course with written documents and guided questions and it's like signing up for an online class Ready Set connect about having good connections skills so this is me about establishing those boundaries we're talking about free to be finding yourself despite the controllers we also have my webinars we have our podcast the surviving narcissism podcast and it's becoming very popular right now and I'm so pleased we're getting a response there we have my books uh our our website with many articles plenty of resources for you okay the narcissist thinks not that they just want to be in control they think it's their entitlement they think it's their Birthright when it's not and and when you're dealing with somebody like that you're dealing with somebody who's operating with too much delusional thinking don't go into their delusions with them instead I'm hoping that you'll decide I'm on team healthy and I'm standing for dignity respect and civility if somebody wants to join with me on that I'd be glad to do so and if not then I I can't afford to get pulled into that person's schemes because you see I'm somebody that wants to uh to be a person of peace and I'm going to be determined to have that piece despite their inclination to say well you can't have inflating yes I can that's who I am [Music]

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 44,389

Keywords: gaslighting, covert narcissism, malignant narcissism, people pleasers, anger, psychology, mental health, Dr. Les Carter

Id: 5iWH0S2h8vM

Length: 14min 26sec (866 seconds)

Published: Sat Feb 18 2023